Penis

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{{NSFW}}
 
 
{{Wilde|If you don't have one, I'm not sharing.|his penis}}
 
 
{{Q|Oooh.|Freddie Mercury|Oscar Wilde's penis}}
 
 
{{QNL|You should see the size of mine it ripped mary|God}}
 
[[Image:Robertson_phallus_hadriani.jpg|120px|thumb|right|Even the ground has a penis.]]
 
 
Penis is sometimes alternately spelled ''''peanis'''', ''''penus'''', ''''pinis'''', and ''''peanace'''', particularly by Middle School students attempting to show precocious sexual bravado. A seldom used plural for penis is penii. For example; that girl sucks a lot of penii.
 
 
==History==
 
The origin of the penis is disputed. The Lithuanians like to claim that it is named after the President of Lithuania Sukis Penis, a depressed [[emo]] who in 1832 was believed to have invented the penis as a form of population control, as in those days people reproduced asexually. Since it was during the [[Industrial Revolution]] that it was released to the general public, it soon got mass produced, and man was so dependent on it that asexual reproduction all but ceased.
 
But the [[British|Brits]] like to claim it originated from the [[Pennines]] town of [[Penistone]] in South [[Yorkshire]], although the reason for that is unknown.
 
 
== Neo-tech's Penis Size Chart ==
 
A penis chart. For the penis.
 
_
 
[[Image:PSC.jpg]]
 
 
== Development ==
 
[[Image:Geoduck.jpg|left|thumb|200px|PENIS CLAM. Ugly isn't it?]]
 
The Wee-Wee is
 
 
== Peniseases and conditions affecting the penis ==
 
There are a number of conditions affecting the penis. This number is three.
 
[[Image:BDC.jpg|100px|right|thumb|A detailed medical diagram of the penis]]
 
 
In the Andes, people with the height of over 5"3 have all been affected with a disease that extends their foreskin to three times their penis length. Also another side effect include sudden craving for carrots.
 
 
[[Image:Robot_Penis.JPG|left|Free drink here! First come first serve!|77px]]
 
Zombie Crotch Rot is one affliction that occurs when you have sex with zombies. Most common symptoms are leprosy of the genitals, un-circumcised penile automatic circumcision (Yes, thats the technical term.), and acidic semen. Symptoms have been found in most horny D&D players, and amongst sex-crazed tech jockeys.
 
 
==The Foreskin==
 
The foreskin is a colorful piece of skin that makes the penis look like the tip of an elephants trunk. It gives off a pleasing aroma, and produces its own cheese which is sold in stores as [[ricotta cheese]]. The foreskin is known to taste much like chocolate chip cookies. Jewish people have no foreskin, But their penises are little to care about after they are circumcised.
 
 
==Circumcision==
 
As a way of welcoming male Jewish babies into the world, circumcision was invented. (Female Jewish and American babies, on the other hand, are welcomed with [[credit card|credit cards]] and [[jello shot|jello shots]].) This process involves removing the foreskin, which causes the penis to fall off and be fed to Michael Jackson. This greatly pleases Jewish and American women (the only ones that don't really count), although greatly frightening all others (particularly [[Michael Jackson]]).
 
 
== As an exclamation ==
 
 
"Penis" can be used as a "sentence enhancer" expressing any extreme. Some examples are: ''Wow! That headshot was penile!'' or looking down your pants and realizing you have nothing there (given that you used to be a man), exclaiming ''Holy Penis! I have no penis!!!'' Or the classic "This show would be so much better with penis + Anoos"
 
 
The language "donglish" consists entirely of saying "penis", and when translated to English, it is always "PENIS!"
 
In some society's it's customary to ring a cow bell whenever someone speaks dongish.
 
 
===Unusual regular rare common swelling of the penis===
 
[[Image:PND.JPG|left|thumb|175px|[[Twilight]] would suck this,]]
 
 
* If this frequency of occurrence is proportional to the number of [[Hot Chick|hot women]] in the room then the patient is referred to as [[heterosexual]] or [[straight]].
 
* If this frequency of occurrence is proportional to the number of [[nothing|hot men]] in the room then the patient is referred to as [[gay]] or [[homosexual]].
 
* If this frequency of occurrence is proportional to the number of hot [[male children]] in the room then the patient is referred to as [[Michael Jackson]] (also see [[Catholic Priest]]).
 
* If this frequency of occurrence is proportional to the number of hot [[female children]] in the room then the patient is referred to as [[Gary Glitter]].
 
* If this frequency of occurrence is proportional to the number of hot [[men]] and hot [[women]] in the room then the patient is referred to as [[bisexual]].
 
*If there's a Disney cartoon playing in the room (or a live animal in some cases), then the patient is referred to as a [[furry]].
 
* If there's nothing in the room, then the patient is referred to as plain lonely(see [[Jew]]) or...
 
* It's on fire!!!!
 
*If something white comes out, the best way is to drink it or put it into someone's drink
 
 
===The anti-erection===
 
This occurs when, under normal circumstances, a man would find his blood drained from the brain in favor of the [[penile route]]: instead the penile route is drained in favor of the brain. For a short [[period]] of [[time]], sufferers of an anti-erection become [[incredibly]] smart but at the cost of his penis shrinking, and eventually being sucked right up within the abdominal cavity ([[spaghetti-slurp]]). At this point, he can be officially [[classified a woman]] as he meets three of the most important criteria:
 
* No-penis
 
* Clarity of thought
 
* Regular non-lethal bleeding
 
After a few minutes in this [[state]] however, the man realized the [[pointlessness]] of being horny and no longer becomes so. Hence the [[blood]] is redirected to the penis and he becomes [[horny]] (provided the [[woman|stimulus]] is still present) and therefore [[unintelligent]]. Luckily, sufferers of this condition are rarely able to [[fuck|reproduce]]. There are reports of cases where the intelligent male has been able to self-fertilize, but this action is against the will of [[nature]], [[god]] and the [[George Bush|Law]], and simply results in [[Steve Balmer]] Fucking Killing© both parent and offspring.
 
 
Another way of inducing this is the sight of [[Margaret Thatcher]]
 
 
==Size==
 
After many hours of careful, meticulous research of [[pornographic films]], it has been shown that there is not a penis in existence under 6 inches.
 
 
The size of the human penis depends much on the gender. Females often have bigger penises than men, but this is yet to be proven.
 
 
But as a general rule of penis, Collins, and all people similarly named's penis < your penis.
 
 
Due to the great amount of penis females had when the world was born, god gave most of it to a new creation, man.
 
 
A warning to many, though. If the size of a penis is scanned, it will [[asplode]], creating utter chaos and disabling the ability to edit [[Uncyclopedia]].
 
 
 
[[Image:Penisland.jpg|thumb|right|250px|[[Pen Island]] has nothing to do with penises at all.]]
 
 
==The Penis Ratio==
 
*The penis ratio, due to male iguanas and other lizard-like specimens commonly having more than one penis, is currently greater than 1. This obviously means that there are more penises than there are men. Penis donors, however, are not as common as they should be, given the high occurrence of penises in the wild.
 
==Famous people who dont like penises==
 
*[[Divine]] the pothead/crackhead/unkown drugee drag queen hates penises and will cringe at the sight of them, except for john waters' dick in which she/he loves
 
*[[Conan O'brien]] the annoying redhead who probably doesnt have a dick
 
 
== Words for..eh...em...Penis==
 
Now that we have your attention, here's a few words for the penis-
 
 
*Penis
 
*Penises
 
*Rod
 
*Nob
 
*Bob
 
*David
 
*Vagina Insertion Device
 
*Charlie Brown
 
*John Thomas
 
*The Friendly Gnome
 
*Wang
 
*Mutton-dagger
 
*Old blind Bob
 
*Hanging Johnny
 
*Fishing rod
 
*Tallywhacker
 
*Pocket rocket
 
*One-eyed trouser trout
 
*Ding-dong
 
*Ankle-spanker
 
*Pork sword
 
*Engine cranker
 
*Hairy hot dog
 
*Wazzu
 
*Weenie
 
*Pecker
 
*Kidney-cracker
 
*Heat-seeking moisture missile
 
*Gigglestick
 
*Love whistle
 
*Uncle Dick
 
*Purple-helmet warrior
 
*Bottom finger
 
*Single stilt
 
*Excalibur (with the lake in storage)
 
*Wire
 
*Pipe line
 
*Spire
 
*yogurt cannon
 
*Leaning tower of…
 
*Jack knife
 
*Missile
 
*High caliber gun
 
*On button
 
*Out button
 
*Cherry tree
 
*White ink pen
 
*Chain
 
*One eyed monster
 
*100% all American beef
 
*Stiletto
 
*Clicker
 
*Flute
 
*Stick
 
*Cactus in the wasteland
 
*Power pole
 
*Paintbrush
 
*Bottom horn
 
*Spike
 
*Vacuum cleaner
 
*El cock
 
*Bangcock
 
*Buck choy
 
*Cheech
 
*Queech
 
*Master of ceremonies
 
*Tinkle dinkle ha ha piece
 
*Frank ‘n’ beans
 
*Pork ‘n’ beans
 
*Prime roast
 
*The marker
 
*Weapon of mass destruction
 
*Flashlight
 
*Lamp
 
*Remote Control
 
*Man’s pride
 
*Glue dispenser
 
*Snow machine
 
*Pylon
 
*Sword ‘n’ sheath
 
*Front tail
 
*Da Bomb
 
*Pimperclip
 
*Snooch
 
*Tank
 
*Knife
 
*Submarine
 
*Pencil
 
*Rod
 
*Lightning rod
 
*Lubrication magnet
 
*Sperm Whale
 
*2 sided sword
 
*Inner tube
 
*Flamethrower
 
*Handrail
 
*El string
 
*Coconut tree
 
*My little friend
 
*Cockadoodle
 
*Hose
 
*Fire hose
 
*IT
 
*Hammer
 
*Blender
 
*Bar
 
*Jesus-juice maker
 
*Zigzag
 
*Nizzle
 
*Sniggle
 
*Extension chord
 
*Boomerang
 
*Baby maker
 
*Baby boomer
 
*Pacemaker
 
*Chalupa
 
*Frijoles
 
*La maraca
 
*Ye-old scepter
 
*Chew toy
 
*Dart
 
*Arrow
 
*Spoon
 
*The inflator
 
*The Parts
 
*Clavicus
 
*Three-part staff
 
*Extracalibrical
 
*Hole puncher
 
*Baseball bat
 
*Twig
 
*Beam
 
*Water bottle
 
*Tent
 
*Ripper
 
*Snake
 
*Trousersnake
 
*One-eyed snake
 
*Wedding tackle
 
*Power chord
 
*Blaster
 
*Bazooka
 
*Belt
 
*Neck tie
 
*The view
 
*Popsicle
 
*Wrapping
 
*Ribbon
 
*Ice cream maker
 
*The drink
 
*Signal catcher
 
*Flagpole
 
*Fire hydrant
 
*Slurpie
 
*Weasel
 
*Ferret
 
*The beast
 
*Shooting star
 
*Trumpet
 
*Baton
 
*Chopstick
 
*Microphone
 
*Megaphone
 
*Scope
 
*Bilbo Baggins
 
*Telephone
 
*Antenna
 
*Viagra waster
 
*Cucumber
 
*Carrot
 
*Hardcandy ‘n’ lollipop
 
*Fork
 
*Nike logo
 
*Canon
 
*Jimmy
 
*Non-frederick
 
*Non-griffen
 
*Jonathan Huerta
 
*Highway sign
 
*Zoom zoom
 
*Boom boom boom boom
 
*Fallen branch
 
*Showerhead
 
*Sink
 
*Handlebars
 
*Man’s best friend
 
*Woman’s best friend
 
*Hairpiece
 
*Guitar
 
*Dicktionary
 
*Number 1
 
*Towel rack
 
*Bow ‘n’ arrows
 
*2nd neck
 
*Juice maker
 
*Straw
 
*Magic wand
 
*Tower
 
*Pillar
 
*Global positioning system
 
*Joystick
 
*Inserter
 
*Eggs ‘n’ sausage
 
*The legend
 
*The stand
 
*The standing ovation
 
*Pipe cleaner
 
*Johnson
 
*Hanger
 
*Pez dispenser
 
*Stylus
 
*Winky
 
*Genitalia
 
*George
 
*Tree ‘n’ bushes
 
*Bowling balls ‘n’ wiffleball bat
 
*Sperminator
 
*Robocock
 
*The matchmaker
 
*The slingshot
 
*Yardstick
 
*Ruler
 
*Little wooden man
 
*Man in the man
 
*What makes the man
 
*Dynamite
 
*Paperclip
 
*Screw
 
*Bulldozer
 
*Wrecking balls
 
*Crane
 
*Truck
 
*Extend ‘n’ grab
 
*Man milk maker
 
*Blowtorch
 
*Catholic priest's friend
 
*Dick van dyke
 
*Pinocchio’s real nose
 
*Censored piece
 
*Rope
 
*Jump rope
 
*Raper
 
*Tool
 
*Super claw
 
*Twiddling tool
 
*The mole
 
*The ant in the pants
 
*The dangling string
 
*The weiner
 
*Hotdog
 
*Classified file
 
*Bagpipes
 
*Oh danny boy, the pipes the pipes are calling
 
*Man's mark
 
*Boat
 
*Man of the sea
 
*Hand grenade
 
*Stick grenade
 
*Lemon juicer
 
*The family jewels
 
*Play button
 
*Stretchy
 
*Blowhorn
 
*Snake in the iron mask
 
*The italics
 
*Spring
 
*The hard pillow
 
*The smooth rocket
 
*The dragon
 
*Wiimote
 
*Tubular piece
 
*The briber
 
*The pre-court judge
 
*Lawýer down under
 
*Sax machine
 
*Saxophone
 
*Your favorite leg
 
*Trumpet
 
*Hook ‘n’ line
 
*2 kegs n a nozzle
 
*the flail
 
*the angry eye tube
 
*the fuse
 
*Your every pain reliever
 
*Acid rain maker
 
*Fang down there
 
*Shooting star
 
*Big dipper
 
*Little dipper
 
*Scorpion
 
*Chops ‘n’ gravy
 
*Woman's favorite food
 
*Bending pen
 
*Glove ‘n’ 3rd arm
 
*La bamba
 
*The +steroids shrinker
 
*The smelter
 
*Ray gun
 
*Snooch
 
*Crystal lattice
 
*Missile ‘n’ 2 bombs
 
*Al Gore
 
*Exclamation point
 
*Up ‘n’ down
 
*Blanks
 
*Peaches ‘n’ cream
 
*Your boss
 
*Sean Byrnes
 
*bigwiener
 
*shaft
 
*tube steak
 
*shmingy
 
*shlong
 
 
==See also==
 
*[[PenisSoftware]]
 
*[[Penis jousting]]
 
*[[masturbate]]
 
 
{{Tasty}}
 
 
[[category:Dick Cheney]]
 
[[Category:I Didn't Know I Had It In Me]]
 
 
[[ar:القضيب الذكري]]
 
[[da:Pik]]
 
[[de:Penis]]
 
[[es:Pene]]
 
[[fi:Pippeli]]
 
[[fr:Pénis]]
 
[[he:זין]]
 
[[it:Pene]]
 
[[ja:陰茎]]
 
[[nl:Penis]]
 
[[pl:Penis]]
 
[[pt:Pênis]]
 
[[th:สิ่งมีชีวิตที่เรียกว่าควย]]
 
[[zh:棒棒糖]]
 
[[zh-tw:棒棒糖]]
 

Revision as of 04:27, August 3, 2007

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