PHP

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[[Image:Php_logo.png|frame|The official logo of the PHP project. Pay no attention to the man behind that curtain.]]'''PHP''' stands for ''Awesome HTML Generation Engine'', but no one knows why. Some have suggested that the name is a recursive expansion like "GNU" (Got No Underwear). Some say that PHP coders make lousy lovers, my hand disagrees with this statement. This explanation makes no sense, but persists anyway.
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LOL LIEK SUP D00DS!!!!!!!!!! I R COOL CUZ LIEK AHMED IS A NOOB!!!!
   
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jjjlkajfwjkljff JAJAJAJAJAJJAJA I R ARAB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
PHP is in wide use across a variety of super-secret government agencies, telcos, banks, and other large businesses due to its unparalleled security and scalability. It is currently <s>p0wned</s> owned by Sun Microsoftware, much to the chagrin of [[Marc Andressen]], a major shareholder in the ''Java: The Artificial Beverage for Artificial Intelligences'' product.
 
PHP is in wide use across a variety of super-secret government agencies, telcos, banks, and other large businesses due to its unparalleled security and scalability. It is currently <s>p0wned</s> owned by Sun Microsoftware, much to the chagrin of [[Marc Andressen]], a major shareholder in the ''Java: The Artificial Beverage for Artificial Intelligences'' product.
   

Revision as of 16:26, June 6, 2006

LOL LIEK SUP D00DS!!!!!!!!!! I R COOL CUZ LIEK AHMED IS A NOOB!!!!


jjjlkajfwjkljff JAJAJAJAJAJJAJA I R ARAB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PHP is in wide use across a variety of super-secret government agencies, telcos, banks, and other large businesses due to its unparalleled security and scalability. It is currently p0wned owned by Sun Microsoftware, much to the chagrin of Marc Andressen, a major shareholder in the Java: The Artificial Beverage for Artificial Intelligences product.

Fatal error: Call to undefined programming code PHP in /home/php/www/hypertext/index.php on line 3

A usual message PHP runs with, don't let it put you away


History of PHP

Gosling
"I coded PHP! Phear ME Mortal!"
PHP was invented by a two-bit hack named James Gosling a few days ago. He seems to think he's a really great programmer, but we all know that he's just in it to fire T-Shirts out of cannons. No one knows why he does this.

After his last T-Shirt flinging machine blew up, it was widely believed that Mr. Gosling lost his mind. At that point he began muttering to himself and banging on his keyboard like a chimp on Red Bull. After 10 minutes of this outrageous behavior, he emerged from his cubicle with the first prototype of PHP.

His boss thought he was a loon. And told him so. James merely responded that he was NOT a Loon, but a Gosling.

However, Sun Microsoftware recognized his genius and immediately hired him away from his existing position within minutes of his announcement. This was unprecidented in the history of computing, thus showing the importance of the PHP software to the history of the Universe.

With Sun Microsoftware's help, the PHP of today (as opposed to yesterday) is a fully Orient Objected language suitable for cross flatworm use on a variety of scalable architectures. No one really knows what any of that means, but it sounds very good in the brochures.

James' old boss still thinks he's a loon.

Design

Schwartz
"He's still a bloody loon!"
PHP is nothing more than a thin wrapper around the BASH scripting language. The code was then obfuscated six times, emailed to India, lost, found, lost again, emailed back to the US, failed to compile, then thrown away and reimplemented in COBOL. This design makes it extremely flexible, fast, and explains why Gosling was able to create the first prototype at all.

James' old boss still thinks he's a loon.

Criticism

ASP.Net is, by far, much better than PHP. PHP requires elementary reading skills, whereas web-applications running on ASP.Net can be built using a simple "point-and-sit" interface.

Critics argue that the simplicity yet sheer power of the scripting language suggests that it should have taken Gosling far less time to code. According to the world-renowned expert, Kreskin, it should have taken only 3.2 minutes, as he had foreseen—four and a half if he was slacking.

Proponents have responded that Kreskin simply doesn't have a true grasp of how long it takes to replace a copyright statement.

James' old boss still thinks he's a loon.

Many critics note that PHP is too easy to read, an observation that sparked the creation of PerlHP by !WAHa.06x36.

Supported Platforms

One of the key features of PHP is that it can run anywhere its host web server can run. Here is an exhaustive list of supported platforms:

  • James Gosling's PC


Platforms where PHP does not run include (but are not limited to):

  • Windows (1, 2, 3.0, 3.1x, 95, 98, NT 3.51, 2000, XP, 2003, Pretty Good Edition, etc..)
  • Solaris
  • HP/UX
  • Mac OS X
  • Linux (excluding kernel version 666)
  • Irix
  • Furbies
  • Lions
  • Tigers
  • Bears
  • OMG Ponies!
  • Atari 2600
  • Nintendo 'Game and Watch'
  • Amiga 400
  • 800000086s
  • 286s
  • 386s
  • 486s
  • Pentagons
  • Xenon Light Bulbs
  • Gameboy
  • ProDOS 8
  • ProDOS 16
  • FreeDOS
  • NotSoFreeDos
  • Mac OS 6.1
  • Outluck
  • Palm OS (1, 2, 3, 3.1, 4.x, 5.x)
  • Tab Cola cans (from the 1980's)
Phperror
Those who still doubt PHP is awesome get revenge at the worst possible moment.

Addiction Facts

Use of PHP can be dangerous. Early side effects include overuse of the $dollar $ign. PHP is a more popular, mainstream version of the even more powerful but deadly Perl, which gives users the same high in just 1 hit as PHP does in 5. PHP is often considered a gateway drug to more sophisticated and harmful substances like C, C++, and God forbid, Java. The best way to eradicate PHP use for good is to force the user to stop immediately and periodically administer C# doses to counter withdrawals (Basic will do too, if that's all you have).

At any given time there will be at least 6 official releases of PHP with varying version numbers. Nobody knows which is which, what the differences are, and least of all which they should use. It's a safe bet that the PHP core team doesn't know either.

Miscellaneous

  • PHP is in the Top 100 list of things Steve Ballmer is going to Fucking Kill™.
  • Steve Ballmer and Scott McNealy are best friends.
  • Scott McNealy is James Gosling's boss.
  • Steve Ballmer is going to Fucking Kill™ Gosling. I'm not kidding. He's going to fucking bury him. He's done it before, and he'll do it again!
  • PHP has received numerous awards for having the most security vulnerabilities in the shortest period of time. No doubt, this is why the government uses it.
  • It is generally recommended that PHP be reserved for highly complex programs. Its complete lack of any sort of high level APIs makes it particularly well suited for maximum developer frustration.
  • James' old boss still thinks he's a loon. Apparently, he still can't tell the difference between a Loon and a Gosling!
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