People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals

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[[Image:PETA_God_skin.jpg|left|thumb|250px|Restoration of the Sistine Chapel painting by Michelangelo revealed previously unknown text. Restoration supervisor (and PETA founder) Ingrid Newkirk said, "This absolutely proves that God approves of PETA people getting naked."]]
 
{{Q|Pussies!|Greenpeace|PETA}}
 
{{Q|Pussies!|Greenpeace|PETA}}
   
{{Q|People Eating Tasty Animals<br>People for the Ethical Treatment of [[Assholes]]<br>People Engaged in Terrorist Activities|What "PETA" really stands for}}
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{{Q|People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals<br>Poorly Educated Teen Activists<br>People for Endlessly Talking like Assholes<br>People for the Eating of Tasty Animals<br>Pregnancy Elimination Taskforce of America<br>People Engaged in Terrorist Activities|What "PETA" allegedly stands for}}
   
'''People for the Emancipation of Titties and Asses''' is a global collaboration of [[Douchebags|activists]] who stand for freedom of certain kinds of animals, mostly cows and donkeys. This is reflected in their most popular campaigning methods - parading women with exposed breasts ("teats") and buttocks ("asses") symbolising freedom for cows and donkeys.
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{{Q|You people totally misunderstand PETA! We are not terrorists! PETA believes in peaceful protests, vegetarianism, and taking off our clothes. We are simply a group of people who like running around naked and who ''really'' love animals. I mean ''really''. (Wink)|Eris Chao, author of ''Zoophiliacs for PETA''|PETA}}
   
Their activists usually complain of little support (bras are restricted in most campaigns) though they have many followers (and wide-eyed admirers) who are sympathetic to the cause. According to the [[hippy]]-dropout creators, the group was formed in the dawn of the 1970's when people wanted something new to complain about. They have also been known as the Uber Nazi Aryan Animal Association, UN-[[AAA]] for short. They are also widely known as People Engaged in Terrorist Activities for their feeding habits upon the flesh eating moose.
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{{Q|They're a group of anti-meateaters who want to stop meateaters from eating meat!|Captain Obvious|PETA}}
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[[PETA]], or '''People for the Emancipation of Teats and Asses,''' is a global collaboration of [[Douchebags|activists]] who protest for freedom for animals, particularly bovines and equines. This is reflected in their most popular campaigning methods - parading men and women with exposed breasts ("teats") and buttocks ("asses") symbolising cows and donkeys. By exposing other body parts, they show their love for cats and roosters.
   
Another version of this is "People Enjoying Taking Anal", but this is much agreed to be only done with animals as far as PETA is concerned.
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Some former members have complained of having gotten little support (in most campaigns, PETA doesn't allow wearing bras). But the group has many loyal followers--and wide-eyed admirers--who are sympathetic to the cause.
   
But perhaps the most famous of the identically-acronymed radical groups is the unusual, left-wing organisation known as the Poorly Educated Turtle Anuses. The name says it all, really.
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While the international group is known as PETA in most parts of the world, in Skokie, Illinois, the group has been labeled the Uber Nazi Aryan Animal Association, [[AAA|UN-AAA]]. They are sometimes identified as People Engaged in Terrorist Activities for their alleged physical abuse of two-legged animals who wear lab coats; forcing spaying and neutering on anything that possesses fur, feathers, or hair; and clandestine midnight beatings of the rare flesh-eating moose of Ontario, California. But according to spokesperson Eris Catma, "That wasn't me that was my sister."
   
== Information on PETA ==
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Another version of their acronym is "People Enjoying Talking Anal," but this primarily describes members while posting on their website.
   
[[Image:Furry_cabinet.jpg|thumb|150px| These are seen as the lead figures for the PETA.]]
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The group is sometimes mistaken for the unusual, left-wing organisation known as the Poorly Educated Turtle Anuses. The name says it all, really.
   
Their site is currently down because the server is being tested on animals. However, you can find a temporary mirror [http://mtd.com/tasty/ here].
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To date, PETA is the only organization in the world to bribe people with naked women, video games, and free food, yet fail miserably.
PETA was founded by Ingrid Newkirk in 1986 as an civil-strike faction of Hezb-e-Islami Gulbuddin. After working on unimportant projects mainly having to do with bombing SPCA centers and PTA meetings, it was decided by Gulbuddin Hekmatyar that "it was kind of frivilous," and was subsequently shut down.
 
   
The reason why PETA still exists today is because the founder, Ingrid Newkirk, after much deliberate scientific research, had become aware of the fact that meat causes people to become irrational and their behavior not unlike that of a child's. Consumption of meat leads to innumerable temper tantrums and acts of awesome, thus abolishment of meat consumption is the primary agenda of PETA in order to provide for a better planet. Some known meat-eaters are/were: Pol Pot, Satan, Jim Bakker, Keanna Dyck, Marshall Applewhite, Lars Ulrich, and many conservative political pundits.
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== Origin of PETA ==
 
   
But Ingrid Newkirk changed back to being a meat eater when she found out that eating vegetables makes you a rapist, a murderer, weak, excessively violent, itchy, crabby, communist, whiney, sexually questionable, stupid, fucked up, weak again, a pussy, and addicted to lip balm. She also found out fish don't have feelings (so it's okay to eat them), so take that ya bunch of hippie terrorist be-otches!! Most members of PETA are [[vampires]], [[emos]], Retarded Vegetarian Canadians, or angry [[beatniks]] and [[hippies]].
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[[Image:Furry_cabinet.jpg|left|thumb|150px| The governing board of PETA (2009).]]
   
We would also like it if you [http://www.google.com/ donate to us] to help us save animals] from a world of meat, fur, experiments, entertainment, and certain Al Qaeda Initiation Rites. You know what? Nevermind, we don't need any donations, I mean, we're no better than liberal crybabies or dykeish feminists, we'll never be happy with what happens. We're really just looking for a reason to complain, [[kitten huffing|screw the animals]], I'm getting me some veal! PETA sucks. It is also vehemently condemned by the [[Plant Liberation Organization]].
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''Their [http://www.peta.org site] is currently down because the server is being tested on animals. So is their [http://peta2.org other site], which is actually secretly recruiting children and teenagers for the [[Illuminati]]. However, you can find a temporary mirror [http://mtd.com/tasty/ here].''
   
== Popular Beliefs Of The Group ==
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According to Harvard Professor of Social History [[Miley Cyrus|Miley Ray Cyrus]], PETA began in the dawn of the 1980's when people demanded something new to complain about. It was founded by actor Ingrid "Jamie" Newkirk in 1980 as an civil-strike faction of Hezb-e-Islami Gulbuddin. Newkirk is best known for her role as the Chicken Lady on [[In Living Color]], and as the young Captain in the 2009 prequel to [[Star Trek]].
P.E.T.A or Penisis Entering Tiny Asses take it on to themselves to be polygamists and fuck their children while they sleep. Famous PETAists include every single preist and terrorist in the world.
 
[[Image:DogLabels.png|thumb|150px| These are the best chemicals with which to kill a dog.]]
 
   
The vegetables will revolt. AH! That’s them now. I don't know how much longer I can hold the [[pea]]s. The deep gash on my leg has finally stopped bleeding. The carrots have the strength of ten potatoes. One was able to throw its salad fork through the second floor window where we were hiding.
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Her activism began as a member of the [[PTA]] (Parent Teacher Association). "I was originally part of the PTA, which I figured must stand for People for the Treatment of Animals. But one day at a meeting, I suddenly realized that didn't make sense. I stood up and asked, 'What the hell does that mean? What kind of treatment?' Everybody looked at me really strangely, but nobody had an answer." So Newkirk started a new group by adding an "E" to the acronym, changing PTA to PETA. Not surprisingly for an actor, the new acronym stood for "People for the Entertaining Treatment of Animals."
  +
[[Image:Your Mommy Kills Animals co.jpg|thumb|150px|So does [[Your Mom|yours]].]]
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The new group drew attention at SPCA (Sexy People Craving Animals) centers and PTA meetings by singing and dancing while wearing chicken suits. Unfortunately, the efforts proved rather frivolous. This was explained by chicken dancer Gulbuddin Hekmatyar, who said "our efforts proved rather frivilous." So they moved from the stage and produced a film. This also did poorly. In a review in the Chicago Sun-Times, [[movie]] critic [[Roger Ebert]] wrote that their "efforts proved rather frivolous." The new group was on the verge of closing.
   
Animals don't mean to be a bunch of pricks, they just need food. It's the way of life. There will never ever be such thing as Gators for the Ethical Treatment of Humans. Gators don't give a shit. PETA feels that prokaryotes, fungi and even virii deserve the same rights as [[human]]s so no member of PETA uses antibiotics and whenever a member has the flu he sneezes upon every person he meets.
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PETA still exists today because its founder, Ingrid Newkirk, tried a new tactic--research. She and a team known as Really Awesomely Terrific Scientists (RATS) conducted studies at several eating establishments. These showed that meat consumers acted irrationally, immaturely and engaged in childish behavior including pushing, shoving, fighting, and calling each other dirty names. "Consumption of meat obviously leads to innumerable temper tantrums and acts of childish destruction," said Newkirk in regard to the RATS study. Newkirk then called for the abolishment of meat consumption, which became the primary agenda of PETA "in order to provide for a better planet." The primary criticism of Jamie Newkirk's study was made by longtime rival [[Ricardo Montalbán|Ricardo Newkhan]], who pointed out that all the observations of childish behavior were made at [[elementary school]] cafeterias.
   
It is widely acknowledged that PETA members do in fact wish to sodomize and be sodomized by animals, which explains their irrational attachment to a source of food. The more extreme PETA members go so far as to refuse to eat plants, because "plants are people too". These zealots die of starvation, which is, of course, far too kind a fate for the likes of such brain-morons. PETA members are seemingly unable to comprehend the concept of the food chain. They also are seemingly unable to realize that the animals that prey on [[human]]s as a source of nutrition are all too willing to do so, and that turnabout is fair play. "Honey is for [[baby]] [[bee]]s" they proclaim. [[Honey]] is best used to manufacture mead, a tasty alcoholic beverage, in fact, the world's most ancient alcoholic beverage. If PETA had its way, mead would be no more. Do you want that? Do you? Yeah, that's what I thought. Remember, boys and girls, PETA would rather kill people than animals, and if you don't think that's mightily fucked up, then go join up with the abominable collection of hippies with too much time on their hands known as PETA.
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Ingrid Newkirk later ran into serious doubts, even to the point of considering becoming a meat eater. She learned that the 20th century's most prominent vegetarian led a band of racists, hatemongers, torturers, rapists, murderers, and people who wore animal-tested lip balm. But when she discovered that [[Adolph Hitler]] also wore woolen [[underwear]], she immediately seized it. "Itchy underwear would make anyone cranky," she said. "Fur made the Führer." So to eliminate the [[underwear|Itchy Undergarment Sydrome]], PETA fought against the wearing of animal skin and fur, and its name was changed to stand for "People Exposing Titties and Asses." The group became very popular with self-centered [[emos]], beer-guzzling [[Canada|Retarded Vegetarians of Canada]], angry [[beatniks]], unwashed [[hippies]], short-fanged [[vampires]] (who appreciate not having to try to bite through fur coats), [[child porn|Dirty Old Men]], and [[Bat Girl]] (as played by [[Alicia Silverstone]]).
   
[[Image:Your Mommy Kills Animals co.jpg|thumb|150px|So does [[Your Mom|yours]]. Your mom also sucks, really good.]]
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PETA is not without rival groups. The most prominent are [[National Rifle Association|Hunters for Jesus]], [[kitten huffing|Screw the Animals]], the [[Plant Liberation Organization]], and the [[PTA]]. Support groups include [[nudist|Topfree For You And Me]], [[bestiality|Zoophiliacs Unlimited]], and [[Bat Girl]] (as played by [[Alicia Silverstone]]).
   
Despite the popular perception of PETA's handle being an acronym for "People for the Ethical Treatment of [[Animal]]s", it is a little known fact that their name is derived from the [[New England]] pronunciation of the [[Christian]] name "Peter". Some prerequisites for joining PETA are a total lack of common sense, the ability to get righteously pissed about things that don't matter whatsoever, an inability to form complex ideas, and sand in the [[vagina]]. Denial that [[bacon]] is delicious and tasty is a hallmark symptom of PETA membership, as is denial that steak totally [[fuck]]ing rocks. The lack of consumption of dairy products among the denizens of PETA results in extremely brittle bones , which makes beating the [[fuck]]ing [[Jesus]] out of them that much easier. The only valuable members of PETA are the women, who can be enticed into submitting to anal sex under the aegis of "saving the [[whale]]s" or some [[shit]] like that. In summation, it is eminently fair to proclaim far and wide that PETA is "PETArded". However, there's a third version of PETA's name origin. In some sciences, a number of a million billion, i.e. 1 and 15 zeros, are called PETA. A PETAbyte is a thousand TERAbytes, and a million GIGAbytes. PETA are dreaming to have such a great number of members, so they just pick this name.
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==PETA and Barack Obama==
   
The number one belief of all PETA members is to be totally against anyone who is assumed to be a total dipshit with lack of respect. Any time a PETA member encounters such persons it is common action for them to contact a friend at the Animal Liberation Front and have them cover them in animal blood to show them how wrong they are about eating chicken wings instead of cabbage on a stick (often with chocolate or butterscotch). Anyone with the brain of an animal is treated like a retard and any animal with the brain of an animal is treated almost like your retarded step-sister. Please be cautioned when approaching PETA members if you have steak in hand, they will fuck you up. Unless you're carrying a gun, in which case, cap 'em and claim that it was self-defense.
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Recently PETA endorsed Presidential Candidate [[Barack Obama]] with money on his campaign to topple [[George W. Bush|Warlord Premier Bush]]. This was due to media reports that Obama was sympathetic to minority groups such as PETA because he was of mixed race, being half black and half green. The media also reported that he had planned to adopt a rescue dog, and subsisted on plant material, i.e. tobacco. PETA was certain this meant the new president would approve their plan to legalize same and opposite [[bestiality|sex marriage between people and their animal companions]].
   
Although PETA campaign diligently and ceaselessly for the better treatment of animals, most members acknowledge that seeing a dog dance about on a hot floor is 'fucking funny'.
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Unfortunately for PETA's plans, a special report on [[Fox News]] revealed that Obama was not a [[vegetarian]]. The network aired footage showing him and Vice President [[Joe Biden]] consuming a whole bucket of Popeye's famous chicken on the doorsteps of PETA headquarters or Delta Halo. After this, the plant eaters changed their allegiance and joined the Green Party.
 
They also believe that humans can eat grass and silage, as they often remind us that cow food could be feeding starving children in third-world countries instead of our fat, greedy cows. This idea makes perfect sense, because it takes less food to feed a living animal than a dead one. Eating cow food will also apparently convince the corrupt leaders of these countries to hand the food over to the starving masses instead of hogging it for themselves like they usually do Of course, grass and silage tastes so bad that they may be onto something after all.
 
 
==PETA and Barack Obama==
 
 
Recently PETA endorsed Presidential Candidate Barack Obama with money on his campaign to topple Warlord Premier Bush. When the success of this was completed by Senator Barack Obama beating Senator John McCain in a vicious lightsaber duel, known as an "Election" did PETA fully fund his new Presidential Warlord Regime. In this "Election" PETA activists also known as [[Vagina]]'s tried to use their dark side influence over Mace Windu, Um I mean Barack Obama, to try and pass a new law supporting same sex bestiality marriages. Obama realized the plot and after him and Master Yoda consumed a whole bucket of Popeye's famous chicken on the doorsteps of PETA headquarters or Delta Halo. Shortly after Master Windu and Yoda consumed said chicken and destroyed the Halo along with Master Chief did PETA pull all of their endorsements from the Democratic Party and instead went gang Green.
 
   
 
==Carnivores' Alliance==
 
==Carnivores' Alliance==
An extreme right-wing [[Communist]] lobby-group based on [[Pluto]] calling itself the League of Meateaters will establish the Carnivores' Alliance in 2012 in what is says is a response to PETA's deliberate and saddistic campaign against vegetables. The group's views and reasoning are far too complex to be expressed in mere human terms, however, their opposition to PETA has been summarised with the argument that "at least our food can run away!"
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[[Image:Plutose.gif|frame|Pluto, leader of the League of Meateaters, giving the traditional Plutonic salute to PETA]]
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According to reports on [[Fox News]] (a merger of the [[George W. Bush|George W. Bush Fan Club]] and [[Weekly World News]]), an extreme right-wing [[Communist]] lobby-group based on [[Pluto]] plans to invade Earth because of PETA. The news service said the League of Meateaters plans to land on Earth in 2012 to establish the Carnivores' Alliance. According to an intercepted communication, Squad Leader and musician Zphd Btlbrw (Plutonium for "[[Ted Nugent]]"), will lead the invasion. This communique says the impending attack is a response to PETA's deliberate and sadistic campaign against fruits and vegetables. The group's views and reasoning are far too complex to be expressed in human terms; however, their opposition to PETA has been summarised with the argument that "at least our food can run away!"
   
Led by Ted Nugent, a group of hunters stormed the PETA compound killing all the humans inside. However, the Animal Liberation Front was OK because no animals were harmed. However, Nugent then killed everybody else and ate them to the tune of "Cat Scratch Fever!"
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Btlbrw plans to lead a group of alien and human hunters and entertainers who will storm the PETA compound, killing all the humans inside while singing '70s rock tunes. The group then plans to slaughter all vegetarians, foresters, green grocers, fruit pickers, canned vegetable workers, and [[The Pillsbury Doughboy]]. Btlbrw (Nugent) apparently plans to climax the attack by eating the [[Fund for Animals]] Heidi Prescott while simultaneously singing his hit song, "I lv pssy" (translated as "Cat Scratch Fever.")
   
 
== Petaphiles ==
 
== Petaphiles ==
'''Petaphiles''' are people who have an abnormal [[sex]]ual attraction to [[vegetarian]]s and/or [[animal rights]] activists. They are known to follow a group named P.E.T.A. Following this group entails having playful, cautious, and kind sex with animals if it will take that to liberate them.
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[[Image:DogLabels.png|thumb|150px|left| "These are the best chemicals with which to kill a dog. Avoid them!" says Petaphile]]
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'''Petaphiles''' are people who have an abnormal [[sex]]ual attraction to [[vegetarian]]s and/or [[animal rights]] activists, especially members of PETA. Some Petaphiles (sometimes called PETAfiles) are known for having playful, cautious, and kind sex with animals if it will take that to liberate them.
   
While petaphilia isn't technically [[illegal]], it is strongly discouraged by most communities, primarily because the presence of petaphiles tends to attract some of the more shady elements of society, such as [[furries]] and [[kitten huffer]]s.
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While petaphilia isn't technically [[illegal]], even if the [[bestiality]] is in places opposed to loving animals, it is strongly discouraged by most communities. This is primarily because the presence of petaphiles tends to attract some of the more shady elements of society, such as the sympathetic [[furries]] and their enemy group, the anti-PETA [[kitten huffer]]s.
   
In some places, known petaphiles are required to wear [[meat]]-scented cologne, in order to prevent them from being able to lure in unsuspecting [[vegan]]s.
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In [[America|countries with too many laws]], known petaphiles are required to wear [[Sacred Chao|cow]]-scented cologne, in order to prevent them from being able to lure in unsuspecting [[vegan]]s.
   
 
=== Signs that someone might be a Petaphile ===
 
=== Signs that someone might be a Petaphile ===
  +
* [[Plant Liberation Organization|Kills innocent plants]]
 
* Hangs around outside [[salad]] bar and [[Subway]] [[restaurants]]
 
* Hangs around outside [[salad]] bar and [[Subway]] [[restaurants]]
* Buys large quantities of [[tofu]], even though no vegetarians live in the home.
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* Buys large quantities of [[tofu]], even though no vegetarians live in the home
* Loves all animals, even the platypus, but can't stand humans. Especially men.
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* Loves all animals, even the platypus, but can't stand humans--specially men
* Loves wearing leather Birkenstocks while splashing fake-fur wearers with blood.
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* Loves wearing leather Birkenstocks while splashing fake-fur wearers with red paint
* Subscribes to animal grooming [[magazine]]s, but doesn't actually own any [[pet]]s.
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* Subscribes to animal grooming [[magazine]]s, but doesn't actually own any [[pet]]s
* Drives an [[SUV]] with a [[bumper sticker]] that reads: "My Other Car Runs on Manure".
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* Drives an [[SUV]] with a [[bumper sticker]] that reads: "My Other Car Runs on Manure"
* Runs a vegan [[restaurant]], which serves a [[BBQ]] that is [[Soylent Green|disturbingly good]].
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* Runs a vegan [[restaurant]], which serves a [[BBQ]] that is [[Soylent Green|disturbingly good]]
* Listens to Moby.
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* Listens to Moby
* Never can seem to think without first consulting weed
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* Never makes a decision without first consulting [[Marijuana|weed]]
* Eats [[shit]]. Ask [[R. Lee Ermey]]
 
 
==Other Info==
 
In Swahili,PETA means "Man who carries [[Syphilis]]".
 
 
PETA is also suspected of creating [[AIDS]].
 
 
In [[English]], PETA means dumbasses.
 
 
In [[French]], PETArd means [[Fart]].
 
 
In [[Portuguese]], PETA means "[[Bullshit]]".
 
 
In [[Russian]], PETA means dominant male homosexual ([[bugger]]).
 
 
PETA - People Eating Tasty Animals!
 
 
PETA - People sexually Entering Turd filled Animals
 
 
PETA- People for Extortion, Terrorism, and Arson
 
 
PETA - Penetrating, Eating, & Torturing Animals
 
 
PETA - Poorly Educated Teen Activists
 
 
PETA - Poo Eating Turd Assholes
 
 
PETA - Please Eat Turds from Animals
 
 
PETA - People Exterminating Tame Animals
 
 
PETA is also responsible for bludgeoning alien experiments just to urge people to go vegetarian.
 
 
PETA- People Euthanize Thousands of Animals
 
   
 
== See also ==
 
== See also ==
* [[PETA (group)]]
 
* [[Plant Liberation Organization]]
 
 
* [[Animal rights activists]]
 
* [[Animal rights activists]]
* [[People Eating Tasty Animals]]
 
* [[PEEV]]
 
 
* [[Beastiality]]
 
* [[Beastiality]]
  +
* [[Bestiality]]
  +
* [[Breasts]]
  +
* [[Cabela's Nintendog Hunts]]
 
* [[Furry]]
 
* [[Furry]]
  +
* [[Ingrid Newkirk]]
 
* [[Kitten huffing]]
 
* [[Kitten huffing]]
* [[Ingrid Newkirk]]
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* [[Nudist]]
* [[Cabela's Nintendog Hunts]]
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* [[Nudity]]
  +
* [[Pedophilia]]
  +
* [[PEEV]]
  +
* [[People Eating Tasty Animals]]
  +
* [[PETA (group)]]
  +
* [[Pedophile|PETAphiles]]
  +
* [[Plant Liberation Organization]]
  +
* [[Nudist|Taking Off Your Clothes and Running Around Naked]]
   
 
==External links==
 
==External links==
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*[http://www.peta.org Official PETA site]
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*[http://www.peta2.org Official PETA site for people too young to drink]
 
*[http://www.petitiononline.com/mod_perl/signed.cgi?iceman&201/ Petition Against PETA]
 
*[http://www.petitiononline.com/mod_perl/signed.cgi?iceman&201/ Petition Against PETA]
 
*[http://petakillsanimals.com/ Peta Kills Animals]
 
*[http://petakillsanimals.com/ Peta Kills Animals]
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*[http://www.springhole.net/links/vegmyths.htm Proof that everything PeTA says is a lie]
 
*[http://www.springhole.net/links/vegmyths.htm Proof that everything PeTA says is a lie]
   
{{incoherent}}
 
 
[[Category:I Didn't Know I Had It In Me]]
 
[[Category:I Didn't Know I Had It In Me]]
 
[[Category:Evil Organizations]]
 
[[Category:Evil Organizations]]
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[[Category:Organizations]]
   
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[[he:PETA]]
 
[[da:PETA]]
 
[[da:PETA]]
 
[[ja:PETA]]
 
[[ja:PETA]]

Revision as of 04:16, July 31, 2009

PETA God skin
Restoration of the Sistine Chapel painting by Michelangelo revealed previously unknown text. Restoration supervisor (and PETA founder) Ingrid Newkirk said, "This absolutely proves that God approves of PETA people getting naked."
“Pussies!”
~ Greenpeace on PETA
“People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals
Poorly Educated Teen Activists
People for Endlessly Talking like Assholes
People for the Eating of Tasty Animals
Pregnancy Elimination Taskforce of America
People Engaged in Terrorist Activities”
~ What "PETA" allegedly stands for
“You people totally misunderstand PETA! We are not terrorists! PETA believes in peaceful protests, vegetarianism, and taking off our clothes. We are simply a group of people who like running around naked and who really love animals. I mean really. (Wink)”
~ Eris Chao, author of Zoophiliacs for PETA on PETA
“They're a group of anti-meateaters who want to stop meateaters from eating meat!”
~ Captain Obvious on PETA

PETA, or People for the Emancipation of Teats and Asses, is a global collaboration of activists who protest for freedom for animals, particularly bovines and equines. This is reflected in their most popular campaigning methods - parading men and women with exposed breasts ("teats") and buttocks ("asses") symbolising cows and donkeys. By exposing other body parts, they show their love for cats and roosters.

Some former members have complained of having gotten little support (in most campaigns, PETA doesn't allow wearing bras). But the group has many loyal followers--and wide-eyed admirers--who are sympathetic to the cause.

While the international group is known as PETA in most parts of the world, in Skokie, Illinois, the group has been labeled the Uber Nazi Aryan Animal Association, UN-AAA. They are sometimes identified as People Engaged in Terrorist Activities for their alleged physical abuse of two-legged animals who wear lab coats; forcing spaying and neutering on anything that possesses fur, feathers, or hair; and clandestine midnight beatings of the rare flesh-eating moose of Ontario, California. But according to spokesperson Eris Catma, "That wasn't me that was my sister."

Another version of their acronym is "People Enjoying Talking Anal," but this primarily describes members while posting on their website.

The group is sometimes mistaken for the unusual, left-wing organisation known as the Poorly Educated Turtle Anuses. The name says it all, really.

To date, PETA is the only organization in the world to bribe people with naked women, video games, and free food, yet fail miserably.

Origin of PETA

Furry cabinet
The governing board of PETA (2009).

Their site is currently down because the server is being tested on animals. So is their other site, which is actually secretly recruiting children and teenagers for the Illuminati. However, you can find a temporary mirror here.

According to Harvard Professor of Social History Miley Ray Cyrus, PETA began in the dawn of the 1980's when people demanded something new to complain about. It was founded by actor Ingrid "Jamie" Newkirk in 1980 as an civil-strike faction of Hezb-e-Islami Gulbuddin. Newkirk is best known for her role as the Chicken Lady on In Living Color, and as the young Captain in the 2009 prequel to Star Trek.

Her activism began as a member of the PTA (Parent Teacher Association). "I was originally part of the PTA, which I figured must stand for People for the Treatment of Animals. But one day at a meeting, I suddenly realized that didn't make sense. I stood up and asked, 'What the hell does that mean? What kind of treatment?' Everybody looked at me really strangely, but nobody had an answer." So Newkirk started a new group by adding an "E" to the acronym, changing PTA to PETA. Not surprisingly for an actor, the new acronym stood for "People for the Entertaining Treatment of Animals."

Your Mommy Kills Animals co
So does yours.

The new group drew attention at SPCA (Sexy People Craving Animals) centers and PTA meetings by singing and dancing while wearing chicken suits. Unfortunately, the efforts proved rather frivolous. This was explained by chicken dancer Gulbuddin Hekmatyar, who said "our efforts proved rather frivilous." So they moved from the stage and produced a film. This also did poorly. In a review in the Chicago Sun-Times, movie critic Roger Ebert wrote that their "efforts proved rather frivolous." The new group was on the verge of closing.

PETA still exists today because its founder, Ingrid Newkirk, tried a new tactic--research. She and a team known as Really Awesomely Terrific Scientists (RATS) conducted studies at several eating establishments. These showed that meat consumers acted irrationally, immaturely and engaged in childish behavior including pushing, shoving, fighting, and calling each other dirty names. "Consumption of meat obviously leads to innumerable temper tantrums and acts of childish destruction," said Newkirk in regard to the RATS study. Newkirk then called for the abolishment of meat consumption, which became the primary agenda of PETA "in order to provide for a better planet." The primary criticism of Jamie Newkirk's study was made by longtime rival Ricardo Newkhan, who pointed out that all the observations of childish behavior were made at elementary school cafeterias.

Ingrid Newkirk later ran into serious doubts, even to the point of considering becoming a meat eater. She learned that the 20th century's most prominent vegetarian led a band of racists, hatemongers, torturers, rapists, murderers, and people who wore animal-tested lip balm. But when she discovered that Adolph Hitler also wore woolen underwear, she immediately seized it. "Itchy underwear would make anyone cranky," she said. "Fur made the Führer." So to eliminate the Itchy Undergarment Sydrome, PETA fought against the wearing of animal skin and fur, and its name was changed to stand for "People Exposing Titties and Asses." The group became very popular with self-centered emos, beer-guzzling Retarded Vegetarians of Canada, angry beatniks, unwashed hippies, short-fanged vampires (who appreciate not having to try to bite through fur coats), Dirty Old Men, and Bat Girl (as played by Alicia Silverstone).

PETA is not without rival groups. The most prominent are Hunters for Jesus, Screw the Animals, the Plant Liberation Organization, and the PTA. Support groups include Topfree For You And Me, Zoophiliacs Unlimited, and Bat Girl (as played by Alicia Silverstone).

PETA and Barack Obama

Recently PETA endorsed Presidential Candidate Barack Obama with money on his campaign to topple Warlord Premier Bush. This was due to media reports that Obama was sympathetic to minority groups such as PETA because he was of mixed race, being half black and half green. The media also reported that he had planned to adopt a rescue dog, and subsisted on plant material, i.e. tobacco. PETA was certain this meant the new president would approve their plan to legalize same and opposite sex marriage between people and their animal companions.

Unfortunately for PETA's plans, a special report on Fox News revealed that Obama was not a vegetarian. The network aired footage showing him and Vice President Joe Biden consuming a whole bucket of Popeye's famous chicken on the doorsteps of PETA headquarters or Delta Halo. After this, the plant eaters changed their allegiance and joined the Green Party.

Carnivores' Alliance

Plutose
Pluto, leader of the League of Meateaters, giving the traditional Plutonic salute to PETA

According to reports on Fox News (a merger of the George W. Bush Fan Club and Weekly World News), an extreme right-wing Communist lobby-group based on Pluto plans to invade Earth because of PETA. The news service said the League of Meateaters plans to land on Earth in 2012 to establish the Carnivores' Alliance. According to an intercepted communication, Squad Leader and musician Zphd Btlbrw (Plutonium for "Ted Nugent"), will lead the invasion. This communique says the impending attack is a response to PETA's deliberate and sadistic campaign against fruits and vegetables. The group's views and reasoning are far too complex to be expressed in human terms; however, their opposition to PETA has been summarised with the argument that "at least our food can run away!"

Btlbrw plans to lead a group of alien and human hunters and entertainers who will storm the PETA compound, killing all the humans inside while singing '70s rock tunes. The group then plans to slaughter all vegetarians, foresters, green grocers, fruit pickers, canned vegetable workers, and The Pillsbury Doughboy. Btlbrw (Nugent) apparently plans to climax the attack by eating the Fund for Animals Heidi Prescott while simultaneously singing his hit song, "I lv pssy" (translated as "Cat Scratch Fever.")

Petaphiles

DogLabels
"These are the best chemicals with which to kill a dog. Avoid them!" says Petaphile

Petaphiles are people who have an abnormal sexual attraction to vegetarians and/or animal rights activists, especially members of PETA. Some Petaphiles (sometimes called PETAfiles) are known for having playful, cautious, and kind sex with animals if it will take that to liberate them.

While petaphilia isn't technically illegal, even if the bestiality is in places opposed to loving animals, it is strongly discouraged by most communities. This is primarily because the presence of petaphiles tends to attract some of the more shady elements of society, such as the sympathetic furries and their enemy group, the anti-PETA kitten huffers.

In countries with too many laws, known petaphiles are required to wear cow-scented cologne, in order to prevent them from being able to lure in unsuspecting vegans.

Signs that someone might be a Petaphile

  • Kills innocent plants
  • Hangs around outside salad bar and Subway restaurants
  • Buys large quantities of tofu, even though no vegetarians live in the home
  • Loves all animals, even the platypus, but can't stand humans--specially men
  • Loves wearing leather Birkenstocks while splashing fake-fur wearers with red paint
  • Subscribes to animal grooming magazines, but doesn't actually own any pets
  • Drives an SUV with a bumper sticker that reads: "My Other Car Runs on Manure"
  • Runs a vegan restaurant, which serves a BBQ that is disturbingly good
  • Listens to Moby
  • Never makes a decision without first consulting weed

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