User:Sockpuppet of an unregistered user/Optimus Prime

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{{Wikipedia}}
   
[[Image:foremanprime.jpg|thumb|The Leader. The Legend. The Playboy.]]
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[[Image:optimusprime.jpg|right|thumb|300px|"You know ladies, I also transform in one other place!" -Optimus Prime on his amorous abilities.]]
   
{{OWQ|Optimus Prime}}
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'''Optimus Prime''' is the accidental lovechild of [[Chuck Norris]] and a tractor (Norris was in the tractor with a girl when he used his famous "pull-out" method of birth control, which ended up only half-working). He is known primarily for being leader of the Bizarro-Nazis, fighting against injustice and evil, personally kicking the shit out of [[Oprah]], and for being the current [[President of the United States]]. He also was set to star in '''Harry Potter: The True Story''', but, along with [[Chuck Norris]], [[Sonic The Hedgehog]] and [[Tony Blair]], was cut from the final version.
   
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Prime is known primarily as "pimpin' on wheels" (P.O.W). Prime's adoptive father, Danseur in the Dark, kindly took him in when Chuck Norris threatened to roundhouse-kick the poor little perversion of nature. Prime is well-known for being distantly related to R2-D2, [[Wall-E]] and [[Bender]].
   
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Optimus Prime is also the very last enemy of gay rights, the one before him being gassed out. That guy was also related to Iron Man. But again, really distantly. Look, they ''have'' to be. They're all really awesome and cool! How can they all be so ass-kicking, and yet not be related?
   
{{Q|MEGATROOOOOOON!!!!|Optimus Prime|[[Megatron]]}}
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==Optimus Prime: Prime Time!!!/ Primo Rhymo==
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[[Image:OptimusPrimeDisguise.JPG|thumb|Optimus Prime is a master of disguise. One of these green trucks is Optimus Prime before painting himself red, and the other is an ordinary truck. Can you spot the difference?]]
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It should be noted that Optimus Prime is just an alias. The robot's actual name has been withheld from the public by government operatives, mainly because his real name doesn't matter. Optimus is known to have absolutely PERFECT aim with his laser rifle, despite the (inexplicable) fact that in the course of his career, he has utterly failed to shoot any [[Decepticons]]. The reason for this remains unknown.
   
<code>''“Sure he's the leader and all, but nobody gives a flying crap about me! What? Who am I?!”''</code>
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Prime is also known for being an expert in almost all areas of martial arts, and has made this clear to multiple Decepticreeps since his ascension to power on Cybertron.
:<code>- '''Skids on Optimus Prime'''</code>
 
   
'''Optimus Prime''' (aka '''Optimus Rhyme''', '''Optimus Wilde''') is the Immortal Son of God and our one true Lord and Savior. Only through Him will you be delivered from the Prince of Lies, [[Megatron]], to find eternal salvation and paradise. Take heed and bear witness to the truths that lie herein, for you will be served [[donuts]] during intermission. Amen.
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==Prime and Religion==
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[[Image:Awsome.jpg|right|thumb|300px|"Know this, one of you is a Decepticon! -Autobots 3:15]]
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Prime is known to have the Holy Touch, and is an avowed enemy of [[Satan]]. Prime himself is a devout follower of Christianity, and is generally known to be a sort of Pope-like figure within the religion. This is not to say he is completely like the Pope. Prime isn't some wishy-washy loser who constantly insults [[Muslims]] like [[Barak Obama]]. Rather, Prime is commonly seen hanging out with his best bud, God, usually in the midst of an insanely long Poker match. The last one was about a million years long. It was a tie.
   
==I am Optimus Prime==
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==Film Career==
Born Optimus Wilde, the second son of [[Obi-Wan Kenobi]] and [[Woman Wonka]], Optimus legally changed his name to '''Optimus Prime''' in an attempt to get out from under the shadow of his immensely popular, older brother [[Oscar Wilde]]. Found to be a child prodigy with an [[IQ]] of 284, Optimus excelled in school, graduating from high school at the age of 7. By the time he had reached the age of 13, Optimus had acquired 17 PhDs and 4 law degrees. By 15, Optimus had been awarded 5 [[Nobel Prize|Nobel Prizes]], 2 [[Fields Medal|Fields Medals]] and a box of [[chocolate]]. Optimus is best known for his dedicated work as leader of the [[Autobots|Heroic Autobots]]
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Optimus has starred in many films throughout his career, his most famous being the Transformer films. However, he also featured in a number of straight-to-DVD comedies such as "Harold, Kumar and Optimus escape from Guantanamo Bay" and "You, Me, Dupree and Optimus Prime." These films were commercial flops and prompted Optimus's turn to serious acting.
   
Optimus Prime is the only [[Go]] player to ever achieve a 10dan ranking. Optimus has said that before meeting [[Elita-1]], [[Go]] was his greatest love. Optimus is considered the finest Go player the world has ever seen, having beaten his greatest rival, [[Megatron]], on 8 out of 9 occasions. With the birth of his first child, Optimus retired from professional Go, leaving his title as the "Bearer of the [[Autobot Matrix of Leadership]]" to his pupil [[Hot Rod]]; Hot Rod subsequently changed his name to [[Rodimus Prime]] as a sign of respect for his mentor. Hearing of the retirement of Optimus Prime, [[Megatron]] also left professional [[Go]] to his mentee [[Galvatron]]. Galvatron further trained under [[Unicron]] and was considered the world's best Go player for three years until soundly defeated by [[Rodimus Prime]] in the Cybertronian Cup competition of 2005.
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He began his return to serious acting when he starred in the period-piece, "Prime and Prejudice" (a prequel to Jane Austen's [[Pride and Prejudice]]) with co-stars [[Chuck Norris]] and [[Wesley Snipes]]. Unfortunately, the film was scrapped prior to release thanks to various incidents wherein test audiences were blinded. With his film career ruined for good, Prime moved on to television to co-star in [[Ross Kemp]]'s new documentary, "Ross Kemp on Cybertron," which won Optimus his first BAFTA. Furthermore, Optimus is set to star in an (as of yet) untitled comedy which will feature him alongside his young friend and mead-aholic, Bumblebee.
 
Optimus is at his happiest when destroying enemies of mankind - he and his stalwart companions have defended [[Earth]] several hundred times in the past decades and show no sign of slowing down. Optimus shows all the qualities that are to be celebrated in a leader - he is big, red and has a very loud horn. When not busy saving the world, Optimus Prime would often participate in quick games of stick ball with the local earthlings. He often ended up accidentally vaporizing the sticks and the balls due to his immense robot super-strength.
 
 
Optimus Prime is the best friend of [[DinoJesus]] and considered the Mack Daddy of Trucks.
 
   
 
==Stage Career==
 
==Stage Career==
[[Image:Prime.jpg|thumb|Optimus Rhyme. So Heroic that he even has his own halo. Just like [[Jesus]].]]
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[[Image:Prime.jpg|thumb|Optimus Rhyme. So heroic that he even has his own halo. Just like our lord [[Jesus]]!]]
   
Performing under the stage name Optimus Rhyme, Optimus is one of the most cherished popular entertainers of recent years.
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Performing under the stage name Optimus Rhyme, Optimus has become one of the most cherished phopular entertainers of recent years. Whether on Broadway, Off-Broadway, or in Las Vegas, Prime is now known as ''the'' premiere live robot entertainer. Particularly with his longstanding role in, "Thunder from Down Under."
   
 
===Broadway Performer===
 
===Broadway Performer===
Optimus had a short run on [[Broadway]], performing in a handful of plays and musicals. Optimus was awarded a [[Tony Award]] for his performance in a production of ''Lost in Yonkers''. A number of musical historians have theorized that it was Optimus' Broadway work in musicals that sparked his interest in music and later led to his rap career.
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Optimus had a short run on Broadway, performing in a handful of plays and musicals. Optimus was awarded a [[Tony Award]] for his performance in a production of ''Lost in Yonkers''. A number of musical historians have theorized that it was Optimus' Broadway work in musicals that sparked his interest in music and later led to his rock career.
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Optimus Prime has never abandoned the Broadway stage and has expressed interest in taking a lead role in a show of repute. Unnamed sources have reported that talks between him and [[Eric Idle]] have already begun, and that the possibility of Prime taking the spotlight of "King Arthur" in ''Spamalot'' is not out of the question.
   
 
===Urban Poet===
 
===Urban Poet===
Optimus shot to fame in the early [[1980]]s as a [[hip-hop]] superstar and street-poet. His skills as a wordsmith are only balanced by his amazing ability to mix and produce phat rhymes. At times his use of a [[Bontempi]] organ for backing music can act as a distracting influence to the rhymes. Lyrical gems such as "VEHICLE BACKING UP...STEP THE FUCK BACK BITCH" have been criticised as the sped up [[bossanova]] backbeat detracts from the lyrical flow at times.
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Optimus shot to fame in the early 1980's as a [[rock]] superstar and street-poet. His skills as a wordsmith are only balanced by his amazing ability to mix and produce soul rhymes. At times his use of a Bontempi organ for backing music can act as a distracting influence on his rhymes. Lyrical gems such as "VEHICLE BACKING UP...STEP THE F$CK BACK BI*&H" have been criticized by reviewers, as the sped up Bossanova back-beat detracts from the lyrical flow at times.
   
The subjects in Optimus' work range far and wide; one moment he might be drawing attention to the plight of a [[seabird]] trapped in an underwater cave and the next he will be talking about the size of his fuel tanks. It is the eternal [[dichotomy]] of his music, one never knows what is coming next, even though it's really, really obvious from seeing the track titles; "Pump My Gas" is an excellent example.
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The subjects in Optimus' work range far and wide; one moment he might be drawing attention to the plight of a seabird trapped in an underwater cave, and the next he will be talking about the size of his fuel tanks. It is the eternal dichotomy of his music; one never knows what is coming next (even though it's often really, really obvious from reading his track titles; "Pimp My Galaga" is an excellent example). Rap insiders also know that Prime wrote "California Love," though he remains uncredited for this accomplishment due to a long legal bout with Tupac, which Prime lost.
   
===Fashion Guru===
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When Prime heard about the [[2007]] [[Transformers]] movie, he announced that he would be working on a new record as a tie-in with the movie's release. Although unaffiliated with Paramount Films, he was under a new contact with [[Dr Dre]] to produce a fusion album of Rock, Jazz and Alternative beats. His A-Track is none other than ''Wheeljack.'' Its lyrics feature such musical gems as, "I'll Break yo Fuckin' Neck! Whiplash!" slowly followed by a melodic segue of orchestral strings sampled from Moby. The album and its "B-side," entitled, ''Optimus B Flat,'' went on sale on [[June]] 27, [[2007]], in greater Europe and lesser America.
Optimus was one of the two high profile rap stars who founded [[SoB|Sultans of Bling]], a high concept, high price boutique for urban fashion. Seeded with money from his award winning albums "[[SoB]]", as it is affectionately known, has almost entirely taken over the market for ridiculous oversized clothing. It's main competitor [[F.E.D.B.E.D.]] (For Evil Decepticons, By Evil Decepticons) has resorted to a number of unethical practices in order to retain their market share.
 
   
Recently floated on the [[Stock Market|Stock Exchange]], SoB is rated as up a third against the [[badger]] on the [[NASDAQ]] and is seen as a strong investment opportunity by Fruity-Bun-McWhirter Investimentation Group Ltd.
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===Fashion Guru===
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[[Image:White guy transformer.jpg|thumb|left|This is NOT Optimus Prime, but Fatsomus Prime!]]
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Optimus was one of the two high profile rock stars who founded Sultans of Bling, a high-concept, high-price boutique for urban fashion. Seeded with money from his award-winning albums "SoB", as it is affectionately known, has almost entirely taken over the market for ridiculous oversized clothing. It's main competitor F.E.D.B.E.D. (For Evil Decepticons, By Evil Decepticons) has resorted to a number of unethical practices in order to retain its market share. This has included sabotaging SoB shipments with evil Robots in Disguise, and falsely claiming that SoB offers "more than meets the eye" because it is laced with Anthrax. Recently floated on the [[Stock Market|Stock Exchange]], SoB is rated as up a third against the [[badger]] on the [[NASDAQ]] and is seen as a strong investment opportunity by Fruity-Bun-McWhirter Investimentation Group Ltd.
   
SoB pioneered the use of automated staff and has begun selling these to other companies. this side-venture of the company has not only paid for the development costs but also earns a tidy profit. Salesregisterbots, Fititrons and Uselessteenagegirlicons are all popular models used in SoB retailers and many other popular buitiques. SoB also manufactures security mechanoids such as the Storedetectibot. Recent insiders report that SoB will soon be introducing the three-in-one Salesfitigirlicon to the market. The Salesfitigirlicon's place alongside such devices as the [[sandwich toaster]], [[vibrator]] and [[spork]] is assured in the museum for really useful stuff.
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SoB pioneered the use of automated staff and has begun selling these to other companies. This side-venture of the company has not only paid for the development costs, but also earns a tidy profit. Salesregisterbots, Fititrons and Uselessteenagegirlicons are all popular models used in SoB retailers and many other popular buitiques. SoB also manufactures security mechanoids such as the Storedetectibot. Recent insiders report that SoB will soon be introducing the three-in-one Salesfitigirlicon to the market. The Salesfitigirlicon's place alongside such devices as the sandwich toaster, [[vibrator]] and [[spork]] is assured in the '''Museum for Really Useful Stuff'''.
   
 
===Musical And Cultural Influence===
 
===Musical And Cultural Influence===
Over the years Optimus has broken several musical records, mostly due to them being fairly fragile - his CDs have been extremely popular as well.
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Over the years Optimus Prime has broken several musical records, mostly due to them being fairly fragile - his CDs have been extremely popular as well.
   
 
*"Optimus Rhyme" - his eponymous first album - 1,500,048 copies sold.
 
*"Optimus Rhyme" - his eponymous first album - 1,500,048 copies sold.
*"Mean Mother-Trucker" - hard edged and raucous, this album is the most popular, showing Optimus in his prime - 6,000,000,001 copies sold.
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*"Mean Mother-Trucker" - hard edged and raucous, this album is the most popular of all Prime's work, showing Optimus in his prime - 6,000,000,001 copies sold.
 
*"Exhausted" - experimental rock/hip-hop mix - 1013 copies sold - mostly to [[Radiohead]] fans.
 
*"Exhausted" - experimental rock/hip-hop mix - 1013 copies sold - mostly to [[Radiohead]] fans.
*"Keep on Trucking" - back into the groove for his last album, Optimus dedicated this artistic masterpiece to all those lonely truckers, crusing the country in search of [[hand jobs]] and [[hitchhiker]]s to dismember.
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*"Keep on Trucking" - back into the groove for his last album, Optimus dedicated this artistic masterpiece to those lonely truckers who cruise the country in search of [[Conan O'Brien|hand jobs]] and [[hitchhiker]]s to dismember.
   
Optimus has also worked with several other artists - particularly popular was his ska-punk track with the [[Less Than Jake Brakes]].
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Optimus has also worked with several other artists - particularly popular was his jazz track with the Less Than Jake Brakes and [[Daft Punk]]'s Hit Parade "Streetcar After All".
   
 
==Military Career==
 
==Military Career==
Feeling an intense sense of [[patriotism]] Optimus Prime joined the [[Autobot]] reserves on his 18th birthday. Optimus was diligent and well liked, quickly becoming a high ranking officer in the reserves.
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Feeling an intense sense of [[patriotism]], Optimus Prime joined the [[Autobot]] Reserves on his 18th birthday. Optimus was diligent and well liked, quickly becoming a high ranking officer in the Reserves. He then dropped out and joined Her Majesty's Royal British Grenadier Corp, in America. Many thought highly of his service to his country and thus have began naming themselves after him. [http://www.wkyc.com/news/news_fullstory.asp?id=3828| SPC Optimus Prime]
   
 
===Cybertronian War===
 
===Cybertronian War===
When war broke out, Optimus saw fit to enlist and transfer from the reserves to active [[Autobot]] duty. It was the Cybertronian War that molded Optimus Prime into the fearless leader that we all know and love.
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When war broke out, Optimus saw fit to enlist and transfer from the reserves to active [[Autobot]] duty. It was the Cybertronian War that molded Optimus Prime into the fearless leader that everybody knows and loves.
   
 
===GI Joe-Transformers War===
 
===GI Joe-Transformers War===
After the first Arc of the Cybertronian War ended, [[The GI Joe-Transformers War]] began. Prime had made the aquaintence of several top [[GI Joe]] commanders through games of [[stickball]] and [[foosball]]. It seems as though his sidebar antics had finally paid off. With the forces of [[Cobra]] siding with the Decepticons, the Joe team scrambled to get the Autobots up to speed on the recent power move.
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After the first arc of the Cybertronian War ended, [[The GI Joe-Transformers War]] began. Prime had made the acquaintance of several top GI Joe commanders through games of stickball and [[foosball]]. It seems as though his sidebar antics had finally paid off. With the forces of [[Cobra]] siding with the Decepticons, the Joe Team scrambled to get the Autobots up to speed on the recent power move. Optimus brought the Joes on board to help out, but the battle was a deadlock until Panthro from the Thundercats interceded and nunchucked them all to hell. It is rumored that Panthro is the only man in the world to have withstood a Chuck Norris Roundhouse kick AND beat Optimus Prime in the World Thumbwrestling Championships. But this is only a rumor.
   
 
===Post-war service===
 
===Post-war service===
With the conclusion of the GI Joe-Transformers War, The Autobots and Joes remained close allies averting numerous threats that would threaten the threatless world of...well...they made things safe. As [[George W. Bush]] would later say, ''"They allowed the world to dethreaten...y'know, that means to trust someone again after getting tricked. We have that saying in Alaska, er I think it's in Alaska, it probably is, well it's in Texas that's for sure."''
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With the conclusion of the GI Joe-Transformers War, The Autobots and Joes remained close allies, averting numerous threats that would threaten the threatless world of...well...they made things safe. As [[George W. Bush]] would later say, ''"They allowed the world to de-threaten...y'know, that means to trust someone again after getting tricked. We have that saying in Alaska, er I think it's in Alaska, it probably is, well it's in Texas that's for sure."''
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===Disney Conflict===
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Shortly after he met Shia LeBeaouf, Disney was very disturbed that Shia had found a new best friend and an even better career. Disney's mad scientists devised a growth potion which could make anyone grow eight sizes too big. This was given to Sharpay and Ryan Evans, Troy Bolton, Taylor McKenssie, Chad Danforth, and Gabriella Montez. Their objective was to destroy the Earth with their horrid singing and putrid acting. Optimus drove to East High where the six had already grown up eight sizes and were singing and destroying everything. In true Transformer fashion, Optimus sprang into the sky and blasted everyone but Troy. According to reports, Ryan was the first to go, then Chad, Taylor, Sharpay and finally Gabriella. Troy got the first punch in on Optimus, and then began to sing 'Bet On It'. As Optimus fell, seemingly defeated, his chest opened and the Autobot Matrix of Leadership showed its light as "The Touch" began to play. At that moment, Troy instantly knew he was fucked, and the next thing he saw was Optimus' fist crashing into his head. Optimus then picked Troy up and threw him into the great beyond, killing him. Prime then opened the Matrix, causing "The Touch" to play louder and the light instantly destroyed East High School. Optimus was given a medal by many countries for ridding the world of this filth.
   
 
==Civic Career==
 
==Civic Career==
 
Outside of his work as a brilliant military leader and musical mega-star, Optimus has worked hard to serve the community in official and unofficial capacities.
 
Outside of his work as a brilliant military leader and musical mega-star, Optimus has worked hard to serve the community in official and unofficial capacities.
   
===Legal Career===
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===In the Beast Wars===
Optimus Prime graduated top of his class in law school at [[Harvard]] and [[Yale]], at the same time. Having passed the bar in every state but Mississippi (because he is black), Optimus Prime has devoted his legal career to helping the underdog. To date, Prime has not lost one trial.
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Shot in the head by Megatron II, his Matrix stolen, and completely unconscious, Prime attempted to sue the Maximals for multiple damages afterwards. Sadly, he lost this case as well. He should have learned his lesson after his Tupac lawsuit by hiring Uncyclopedia's legal team, but some things are beyond the reach of even Optimus Prime.
 
Noteworthy trials Optimus has participated in:
 
* [[Pot v. Kettle]]
 
* [[Roe v. Wade]]
 
* [[Racoon Tail v. Super Mario Cape]]
 
* [[Virii v. Viruses]]
 
* [[Ketchup v. Catsup]]
 
* [[NASA v. Board of Education]]
 
* [[Good v. Evil]]
 
* [[Soda v. Pop]]
 
 
Optimus has been offered the position of judge in many districts but has always turned down such offers claiming to have a distaste for sitting in judgement of people.
 
   
 
===Charitable Work===
 
===Charitable Work===
Optimus has raised nearly $5 [[brazillian]] over the years. Whilst most of the money has been donated towards [[giant space lasers]] to prevent the encroachment of [[Unicron|U.N.I.C.R.O.N.]] ('''U'''nited '''N'''asty '''I'''nternational '''CR'''ime '''O'''rganisatio'''N''') he has also been generous to a number of lesser causes, including:
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Optimus has raised nearly $5 [[Brazil]]lian Pesos over the years. Whilst most of the money has been donated towards [[laser|giant space lasers]] to prevent the encroachment of [[Unicron|U.N.I.C.R.O.N.]] ('''U'''nited '''N'''asty '''I'''nternational '''CR'''ime '''O'''rganisatio'''N''') he has also been generous to a number of lesser causes, including:
   
 
*Group for the Oppression of Not Nice Asshats (G.O.N.N.A.)
 
*Group for the Oppression of Not Nice Asshats (G.O.N.N.A.)
 
*Society for the Prevention of Urban Racist Tensions (S.P.U.R.T.)
 
*Society for the Prevention of Urban Racist Tensions (S.P.U.R.T.)
 
*Optimus Nature (O.N.)
 
*Optimus Nature (O.N.)
*Youth Organisation for Understanding Racism (Y.O.U.R.)
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*Youth Organization for Understanding Racism (Y.O.U.R.)
 
*Autobots for Replenishment of the Social Environment (A.R.S.E.)
 
*Autobots for Replenishment of the Social Environment (A.R.S.E.)
   
There is some suspicion that Optimus has used his charitable works as a way to meet impressionable youngs lorries and vans for his own nefarious purposes. Currently evidence of this is limited but indications are that a [[paternity suit]] man be in the offing.
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There is some suspicion that Optimus has used his charitable works as a way to meet impressionable young trucks and vans for his own nefarious purposes. Evidence of this is currently limited, but indications are that [[losers|fucking morons]] are behind the scandalous and baseless rumors.
   
For a time, Optimus was put in charge of the [[Directory of All Knowledge]]. During this time, the Directory expanded substantially under influence of Optimus' wisdom. Under rather curious circumstances, the Directory was lost and although it's existence is still certain, it's current whereabouts are not.
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===Electoral Candidate===
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[[Image:1118032754842.jpg|right|thumb|300px|Prime finally wins an election.]]
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For many years Optimus maintained dreams of becoming a prominent politician, but due to America's extremely odd prejudice against robots running for office, he was unable to successfully begin a presidential campaign. However, fate smiled upon Optimus, when, in the year of 3044, people with brains actually obtained seats in the U.S. government (who woulda thought it?), and promptly abolished the No Robots in Power Act.
   
===Electoral Candidate=== [[Image:1118032754842.jpg|right|thumb|Prime finally wins an election.]]
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During the presidential elections of 3045, Optimus was charged with running slanderous campaign adds, some of which were:
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*''Say NO to [[Hitler]] or [[Bush|Bull-shit]](what?), Vote for Optimus Prime''
For many years Optimus maintained dreams of becoming a well known politician but, after and incident that involved the Decepticons stealing Optimus's brain and replacing it with a fish bowl, he has dreamed of being head boy of a school.
 
 
During the school elections at [[Shenton]] College, Optimus Prime ran for head boy. He ran a vigorous campaign involving many slanderous posters and propaganda including slogans such as:
 
*''Say NO to Hitler, Vote for Optimus Prime''
 
 
*''Are You Man Enough To Vote '''OPTIMUS PRIME'''?''
 
*''Are You Man Enough To Vote '''OPTIMUS PRIME'''?''
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*''I AM OPTIMUS PRIME! I will lead us to victory and unity with peace and a strong arm.''
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*''Give me your votes, or taste my laserfire!''
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*''Give me your taxes or Give me your face!!''
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*''My fellow Americans! Transform and roll out!''
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Many students voted for Optimus; fortunately, he narrowly beat his presidential opponent [[Oscar Wilde]] by only 400 votes. Wilde grudgingly accepted defeat, then went on a 2-year tour of the country, advocating his newest music album.
   
Many students voted for Optimus, but in the end, Hitler won the election by an astonishing 3 [[mozillion]] votes. In light of his defeat, Optimus fled to the hills of [[Afganistan]] and stayed in hiding for some period of time...
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==Loving Husband and Father==
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[[Image:Optimus_Elita-1_Disco.JPG|thumb|right|Optimus and Elita One get down at the Discothèque.]]
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In 1973, after having opened for a performance of Flock of Seagulls, Optimus reacquainted himself with high school sweetheart and bassist Elita One. At the time, Elita One was being hotly pursued by Flock of Seagulls drummer [[Dave Grohl]]. But through his longtime friendship with Flock of Seagulls keyboardist DinoJesus and his intense manliness, Optimus was easily able to overwhelm [[Dave Grohl]] and won Elita One's heart. Optimus and Elita One were married just one year later.
   
Optimus still has hopes of being head boy of a school and it is your responsiblity to make this happen.
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Even in the midst of battle against overwhelming odds, Optimus has always found time for his children, the Sprogboticons. He and Elita One have five children: Joeybot (who has a hit TV show, ''Pals''), Dannycon, Rogertron, Bettycon and Norman. There is some suspicion regarding Norman as he seems to be mostly human; whether this is related to an affair or possibly a [[dogging]] incident is not known. Optimus and Elita One refuse to discuss the matter of Norman with the press.
   
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==Death==
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Throughout his career in various syndicated reality shows, Optimus has shown a habit of dying dramatically. Conveniently, there always seems to be a way to resurrect him in the knick of time to save the plot... err... day. When confronted about this, Optimus has vehemently denied all claims of showboating or mirror tricks, even despite his recently revealed ties to Sigfried, [[Roy]], and [[Jesus]]. Prime died for the sixth time in [[2009]] from explosive diarrhea, but came back to life a day later.
   
==Loving Husband and Father== [[Image:Optimus_Elita-1_Disco.JPG|thumb|right|Optimus and Elita-1 get down at the Discotech.]]
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==Failures at Life==
In 1973, after having opened for a performance of [[Flock of Seagulls]], Optimus reacquainted himself with highschool sweetheart and bassist [[Elita-1]]. At the time, [[Elita-1]] was being hotly pursued by [[Flock of Seagulls]] drummer [[Dave Grohl]]. But through his longtime friendship with [[Flock of Seagulls]] keyboardist DinoJesus and his intense manliness, Optimus was easily able to overwhelm [[Dave Grohl]] and win [[Elita-1|Elita-1's]] heart. Optimus and [[Elita-1]] were married just one year later.
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Flat-out fucking none (that is, if you don't include his death in 1976!).
 
Even in the midst of battle against overwhelming odds, Optimus has always found time for his children, the Sprogboticons. He and [[Elita-1]] have five children: Joeybot, Dannycon, Rogertron, Bettycon and Norman. There is some suspicion regarding Norman as he seems to be mostly human, whether this is related to an affair or possibly a [[dogging]] incident is not known. Optimus and Elita-1 refuse to discuss the matter of Norman with the press.
 
 
==Brooke Shields== [[Image:Brooke.jpg|thumb|Secret Lover and Co-star.]]
 
 
Even though Prime had been [[happily married]] to his sweetheart [[Elita-1]] for years, rumor has it that he had an affair which produced his human son Norman. Recent DNA and Oil analysis points to [[Brooke Shields]] as being the mother. Many [[Hollywood]] experts point to Optimus' guest work on Suddenly Susan as the prime opportunity for this to have occured.
 
 
Other notable women that Optimus Prime is rumored to have had in the bed of his truck include:
 
* [[Teri Hatcher]]
 
* [[Lindsay Lohan]]
 
* [[Paris Hilton]]
 
* [[Kirstie Alley]]
 
* [[Benny Hill]]
 
* [[Mamatobes]]
 
 
It should be noted that the Paris Hilton rumor seems to be supported and furthered by Paris herself.
 
 
{{Q|Aww Hellz no! I would never cheat on my woman with that skank-ass! Not that I would cheat on my woman with anyone, just especially not that skank-ass!|Optimus Prime|[[Paris Hilton]]}}
 
 
==Death==
 
Throughout his career in various syndicated reality shows Optimus has shown a habit of dying dramatically. Conveniently there always seems to be a way to resurrect him in the knick of time to save the plot... err... day. When confronted about this, Optimus has vehemently denied all claims of showboating or mirror tricks, even dispite his recently revealed ties to [[Sigfried]], [[Roy]], and [[Jesus]]. It appears that repeated feats are taking their toll as recent "deaths" have been less than inspiring, most recently falling victim to a yeast infection in the season finale of Big Brother 19.
 
   
 
==See Also==
 
==See Also==
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* [[Autobots]]
 
* [[Autobots]]
 
* [[Trucks]]
 
* [[Trucks]]
* [[Boximus Prime]]
+
* [http://www.wkyc.com/news/news_fullstory.asp?id=3828'''Optimus the Man''']
* [[Samia family]]
+
* [[University of Leicester]]
  +
* [[Dolph Ziggler]]
  +
  +
{{cars}}
   
{{MMR}}
+
[[Category:Robots]]
  +
[[Category:Musicians]]
  +
[[Category:Transformers]]
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[[category:Jewish]]
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[[Category:Honorary Jews]]
   
[[Category: Robots]][[Category:Music]]
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[[fr:Optimus Prime]]
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[[pt:Optimus Prime]]
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[[sv:Optimus Prime]]
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[[zh-tw:柯博文]]
  +
[[Category:Heroes]]

Latest revision as of 09:39, December 25, 2011

Bouncywikilogo3
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Sockpuppet of an unregistered user/Optimus Prime.
Optimusprime
"You know ladies, I also transform in one other place!" -Optimus Prime on his amorous abilities.

Optimus Prime is the accidental lovechild of Chuck Norris and a tractor (Norris was in the tractor with a girl when he used his famous "pull-out" method of birth control, which ended up only half-working). He is known primarily for being leader of the Bizarro-Nazis, fighting against injustice and evil, personally kicking the shit out of Oprah, and for being the current President of the United States. He also was set to star in Harry Potter: The True Story, but, along with Chuck Norris, Sonic The Hedgehog and Tony Blair, was cut from the final version.

Prime is known primarily as "pimpin' on wheels" (P.O.W). Prime's adoptive father, Danseur in the Dark, kindly took him in when Chuck Norris threatened to roundhouse-kick the poor little perversion of nature. Prime is well-known for being distantly related to R2-D2, Wall-E and Bender.

Optimus Prime is also the very last enemy of gay rights, the one before him being gassed out. That guy was also related to Iron Man. But again, really distantly. Look, they have to be. They're all really awesome and cool! How can they all be so ass-kicking, and yet not be related?

edit Optimus Prime: Prime Time!!!/ Primo Rhymo

OptimusPrimeDisguise
Optimus Prime is a master of disguise. One of these green trucks is Optimus Prime before painting himself red, and the other is an ordinary truck. Can you spot the difference?

It should be noted that Optimus Prime is just an alias. The robot's actual name has been withheld from the public by government operatives, mainly because his real name doesn't matter. Optimus is known to have absolutely PERFECT aim with his laser rifle, despite the (inexplicable) fact that in the course of his career, he has utterly failed to shoot any Decepticons. The reason for this remains unknown.

Prime is also known for being an expert in almost all areas of martial arts, and has made this clear to multiple Decepticreeps since his ascension to power on Cybertron.

edit Prime and Religion

Awsome
"Know this, one of you is a Decepticon! -Autobots 3:15

Prime is known to have the Holy Touch, and is an avowed enemy of Satan. Prime himself is a devout follower of Christianity, and is generally known to be a sort of Pope-like figure within the religion. This is not to say he is completely like the Pope. Prime isn't some wishy-washy loser who constantly insults Muslims like Barak Obama. Rather, Prime is commonly seen hanging out with his best bud, God, usually in the midst of an insanely long Poker match. The last one was about a million years long. It was a tie.

edit Film Career

Optimus has starred in many films throughout his career, his most famous being the Transformer films. However, he also featured in a number of straight-to-DVD comedies such as "Harold, Kumar and Optimus escape from Guantanamo Bay" and "You, Me, Dupree and Optimus Prime." These films were commercial flops and prompted Optimus's turn to serious acting.

He began his return to serious acting when he starred in the period-piece, "Prime and Prejudice" (a prequel to Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice) with co-stars Chuck Norris and Wesley Snipes. Unfortunately, the film was scrapped prior to release thanks to various incidents wherein test audiences were blinded. With his film career ruined for good, Prime moved on to television to co-star in Ross Kemp's new documentary, "Ross Kemp on Cybertron," which won Optimus his first BAFTA. Furthermore, Optimus is set to star in an (as of yet) untitled comedy which will feature him alongside his young friend and mead-aholic, Bumblebee.

edit Stage Career

Prime
Optimus Rhyme. So heroic that he even has his own halo. Just like our lord Jesus!

Performing under the stage name Optimus Rhyme, Optimus has become one of the most cherished phopular entertainers of recent years. Whether on Broadway, Off-Broadway, or in Las Vegas, Prime is now known as the premiere live robot entertainer. Particularly with his longstanding role in, "Thunder from Down Under."

edit Broadway Performer

Optimus had a short run on Broadway, performing in a handful of plays and musicals. Optimus was awarded a Tony Award for his performance in a production of Lost in Yonkers. A number of musical historians have theorized that it was Optimus' Broadway work in musicals that sparked his interest in music and later led to his rock career.

Optimus Prime has never abandoned the Broadway stage and has expressed interest in taking a lead role in a show of repute. Unnamed sources have reported that talks between him and Eric Idle have already begun, and that the possibility of Prime taking the spotlight of "King Arthur" in Spamalot is not out of the question.

edit Urban Poet

Optimus shot to fame in the early 1980's as a rock superstar and street-poet. His skills as a wordsmith are only balanced by his amazing ability to mix and produce soul rhymes. At times his use of a Bontempi organ for backing music can act as a distracting influence on his rhymes. Lyrical gems such as "VEHICLE BACKING UP...STEP THE F$CK BACK BI*&H" have been criticized by reviewers, as the sped up Bossanova back-beat detracts from the lyrical flow at times.

The subjects in Optimus' work range far and wide; one moment he might be drawing attention to the plight of a seabird trapped in an underwater cave, and the next he will be talking about the size of his fuel tanks. It is the eternal dichotomy of his music; one never knows what is coming next (even though it's often really, really obvious from reading his track titles; "Pimp My Galaga" is an excellent example). Rap insiders also know that Prime wrote "California Love," though he remains uncredited for this accomplishment due to a long legal bout with Tupac, which Prime lost.

When Prime heard about the 2007 Transformers movie, he announced that he would be working on a new record as a tie-in with the movie's release. Although unaffiliated with Paramount Films, he was under a new contact with Dr Dre to produce a fusion album of Rock, Jazz and Alternative beats. His A-Track is none other than Wheeljack. Its lyrics feature such musical gems as, "I'll Break yo Fuckin' Neck! Whiplash!" slowly followed by a melodic segue of orchestral strings sampled from Moby. The album and its "B-side," entitled, Optimus B Flat, went on sale on June 27, 2007, in greater Europe and lesser America.

edit Fashion Guru

White guy transformer
This is NOT Optimus Prime, but Fatsomus Prime!

Optimus was one of the two high profile rock stars who founded Sultans of Bling, a high-concept, high-price boutique for urban fashion. Seeded with money from his award-winning albums "SoB", as it is affectionately known, has almost entirely taken over the market for ridiculous oversized clothing. It's main competitor F.E.D.B.E.D. (For Evil Decepticons, By Evil Decepticons) has resorted to a number of unethical practices in order to retain its market share. This has included sabotaging SoB shipments with evil Robots in Disguise, and falsely claiming that SoB offers "more than meets the eye" because it is laced with Anthrax. Recently floated on the Stock Exchange, SoB is rated as up a third against the badger on the NASDAQ and is seen as a strong investment opportunity by Fruity-Bun-McWhirter Investimentation Group Ltd.

SoB pioneered the use of automated staff and has begun selling these to other companies. This side-venture of the company has not only paid for the development costs, but also earns a tidy profit. Salesregisterbots, Fititrons and Uselessteenagegirlicons are all popular models used in SoB retailers and many other popular buitiques. SoB also manufactures security mechanoids such as the Storedetectibot. Recent insiders report that SoB will soon be introducing the three-in-one Salesfitigirlicon to the market. The Salesfitigirlicon's place alongside such devices as the sandwich toaster, vibrator and spork is assured in the Museum for Really Useful Stuff.

edit Musical And Cultural Influence

Over the years Optimus Prime has broken several musical records, mostly due to them being fairly fragile - his CDs have been extremely popular as well.

  • "Optimus Rhyme" - his eponymous first album - 1,500,048 copies sold.
  • "Mean Mother-Trucker" - hard edged and raucous, this album is the most popular of all Prime's work, showing Optimus in his prime - 6,000,000,001 copies sold.
  • "Exhausted" - experimental rock/hip-hop mix - 1013 copies sold - mostly to Radiohead fans.
  • "Keep on Trucking" - back into the groove for his last album, Optimus dedicated this artistic masterpiece to those lonely truckers who cruise the country in search of hand jobs and hitchhikers to dismember.

Optimus has also worked with several other artists - particularly popular was his jazz track with the Less Than Jake Brakes and Daft Punk's Hit Parade "Streetcar After All".

edit Military Career

Feeling an intense sense of patriotism, Optimus Prime joined the Autobot Reserves on his 18th birthday. Optimus was diligent and well liked, quickly becoming a high ranking officer in the Reserves. He then dropped out and joined Her Majesty's Royal British Grenadier Corp, in America. Many thought highly of his service to his country and thus have began naming themselves after him. SPC Optimus Prime

edit Cybertronian War

When war broke out, Optimus saw fit to enlist and transfer from the reserves to active Autobot duty. It was the Cybertronian War that molded Optimus Prime into the fearless leader that everybody knows and loves.

edit GI Joe-Transformers War

After the first arc of the Cybertronian War ended, The GI Joe-Transformers War began. Prime had made the acquaintance of several top GI Joe commanders through games of stickball and foosball. It seems as though his sidebar antics had finally paid off. With the forces of Cobra siding with the Decepticons, the Joe Team scrambled to get the Autobots up to speed on the recent power move. Optimus brought the Joes on board to help out, but the battle was a deadlock until Panthro from the Thundercats interceded and nunchucked them all to hell. It is rumored that Panthro is the only man in the world to have withstood a Chuck Norris Roundhouse kick AND beat Optimus Prime in the World Thumbwrestling Championships. But this is only a rumor.

edit Post-war service

With the conclusion of the GI Joe-Transformers War, The Autobots and Joes remained close allies, averting numerous threats that would threaten the threatless world of...well...they made things safe. As George W. Bush would later say, "They allowed the world to de-threaten...y'know, that means to trust someone again after getting tricked. We have that saying in Alaska, er I think it's in Alaska, it probably is, well it's in Texas that's for sure."

edit Disney Conflict

Shortly after he met Shia LeBeaouf, Disney was very disturbed that Shia had found a new best friend and an even better career. Disney's mad scientists devised a growth potion which could make anyone grow eight sizes too big. This was given to Sharpay and Ryan Evans, Troy Bolton, Taylor McKenssie, Chad Danforth, and Gabriella Montez. Their objective was to destroy the Earth with their horrid singing and putrid acting. Optimus drove to East High where the six had already grown up eight sizes and were singing and destroying everything. In true Transformer fashion, Optimus sprang into the sky and blasted everyone but Troy. According to reports, Ryan was the first to go, then Chad, Taylor, Sharpay and finally Gabriella. Troy got the first punch in on Optimus, and then began to sing 'Bet On It'. As Optimus fell, seemingly defeated, his chest opened and the Autobot Matrix of Leadership showed its light as "The Touch" began to play. At that moment, Troy instantly knew he was fucked, and the next thing he saw was Optimus' fist crashing into his head. Optimus then picked Troy up and threw him into the great beyond, killing him. Prime then opened the Matrix, causing "The Touch" to play louder and the light instantly destroyed East High School. Optimus was given a medal by many countries for ridding the world of this filth.

edit Civic Career

Outside of his work as a brilliant military leader and musical mega-star, Optimus has worked hard to serve the community in official and unofficial capacities.

edit In the Beast Wars

Shot in the head by Megatron II, his Matrix stolen, and completely unconscious, Prime attempted to sue the Maximals for multiple damages afterwards. Sadly, he lost this case as well. He should have learned his lesson after his Tupac lawsuit by hiring Uncyclopedia's legal team, but some things are beyond the reach of even Optimus Prime.

edit Charitable Work

Optimus has raised nearly $5 Brazillian Pesos over the years. Whilst most of the money has been donated towards giant space lasers to prevent the encroachment of U.N.I.C.R.O.N. (United Nasty International CRime OrganisatioN) he has also been generous to a number of lesser causes, including:

  • Group for the Oppression of Not Nice Asshats (G.O.N.N.A.)
  • Society for the Prevention of Urban Racist Tensions (S.P.U.R.T.)
  • Optimus Nature (O.N.)
  • Youth Organization for Understanding Racism (Y.O.U.R.)
  • Autobots for Replenishment of the Social Environment (A.R.S.E.)

There is some suspicion that Optimus has used his charitable works as a way to meet impressionable young trucks and vans for his own nefarious purposes. Evidence of this is currently limited, but indications are that fucking morons are behind the scandalous and baseless rumors.

edit Electoral Candidate

1118032754842
Prime finally wins an election.

For many years Optimus maintained dreams of becoming a prominent politician, but due to America's extremely odd prejudice against robots running for office, he was unable to successfully begin a presidential campaign. However, fate smiled upon Optimus, when, in the year of 3044, people with brains actually obtained seats in the U.S. government (who woulda thought it?), and promptly abolished the No Robots in Power Act.

During the presidential elections of 3045, Optimus was charged with running slanderous campaign adds, some of which were:

  • Say NO to Hitler or Bull-shit(what?), Vote for Optimus Prime
  • Are You Man Enough To Vote OPTIMUS PRIME?
  • I AM OPTIMUS PRIME! I will lead us to victory and unity with peace and a strong arm.
  • Give me your votes, or taste my laserfire!
  • Give me your taxes or Give me your face!!
  • My fellow Americans! Transform and roll out!

Many students voted for Optimus; fortunately, he narrowly beat his presidential opponent Oscar Wilde by only 400 votes. Wilde grudgingly accepted defeat, then went on a 2-year tour of the country, advocating his newest music album.

edit Loving Husband and Father

Optimus Elita-1 Disco
Optimus and Elita One get down at the Discothèque.

In 1973, after having opened for a performance of Flock of Seagulls, Optimus reacquainted himself with high school sweetheart and bassist Elita One. At the time, Elita One was being hotly pursued by Flock of Seagulls drummer Dave Grohl. But through his longtime friendship with Flock of Seagulls keyboardist DinoJesus and his intense manliness, Optimus was easily able to overwhelm Dave Grohl and won Elita One's heart. Optimus and Elita One were married just one year later.

Even in the midst of battle against overwhelming odds, Optimus has always found time for his children, the Sprogboticons. He and Elita One have five children: Joeybot (who has a hit TV show, Pals), Dannycon, Rogertron, Bettycon and Norman. There is some suspicion regarding Norman as he seems to be mostly human; whether this is related to an affair or possibly a dogging incident is not known. Optimus and Elita One refuse to discuss the matter of Norman with the press.

edit Death

Throughout his career in various syndicated reality shows, Optimus has shown a habit of dying dramatically. Conveniently, there always seems to be a way to resurrect him in the knick of time to save the plot... err... day. When confronted about this, Optimus has vehemently denied all claims of showboating or mirror tricks, even despite his recently revealed ties to Sigfried, Roy, and Jesus. Prime died for the sixth time in 2009 from explosive diarrhea, but came back to life a day later.

edit Failures at Life

Flat-out fucking none (that is, if you don't include his death in 1976!).

edit See Also

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