Nuclear holocaust

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Revision as of 05:40, August 23, 2009 by 96.231.209.238 (talk)

Jump to: navigation, search
Poonuke
Winnie-the-Pooh watches in horror as Piglet gets nuked.
“My best computer simulations show for almost certainly that Nuclear Holocaust is not the best way to conquer the world, don't get me wrong; it does get rid of most of your enemies, but the 200 people that are left generally aren't very happy with you.”
~ Skynet on Nuclear Holocaust
“Well, it looked good on paper.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Nuclear Holocaust

An aggressive act of war involving the use of analogue wrist watches or alarm clocks equipped with glow-in-the-dark hands. Prospects of a nuclear holocaust were first publicly feared during the Cold War, but diplomatic relations between the USA and USSR limited people’s concerns to during commercial breaks.

History

The first use of nuclear holocaust as a concept can be dated back to the year 3000 BC, this is known because when they went down the pyramids they found pictures of mushroom clouds and a nuclear bomb was found in the tomb of the Pharaoh Tutankhamen. As the story goes when they fornd it they had to o out into the nearest town to get access to be able to call in a bomb maker to inspect what it was, when the bomb maker worked out how the device worked he started to create a working replica of one, this was subsequently tested on the Japanese town of Hiroshima.

In 1945 the USA succeeded in creating a nuclear weapon, and subsequently ending the war with it. The world swallowed a bitter-sweet pill (Stransifidol®): freed from Germen, caught in a radio-active tension. Not much later had the Soviet Union achieved nuclear muscle, removing any and all sense of security the population might have had left. Tabasco prices reached an all time high, staplers and paperclips were held in separate casings and for a brief period, 41 was divisible by 16. Hollywood did little to remove global paranoia when it released "Santa Conquers The Martians" in 1964.

After the fall of the Iron Curtain in 1989, the Cold War was clearly coming to an end. People no longer submitted questions like “Would the electro-magnetic pulses from exploding bombs damage my videotapes?” to TV Guide. And when Russia was rediscovered in 1992, the nuclear holocaust amendment was omitted from the American constitution.

Occurrences

Though no nuclear holocaust ever happened yet, some European countries (i.e. Estonia, Iceland, Lapland and Lithuania) have been experiencing the aftermaths since the first .com domain name was issued in 1985. (This domain is said to have been thrown from a window in a town called Pripiyat (literally, "Pripi's Fuck"). Obviously, this story is a tall tale, but since this is Uncyclopedia, who knows?) This, however, remains a great source of controversy as the existence of the aforementioned countries is still disputed.

Nuclear Holocaustology

During his 98 hour unofficial term as president of the USA in June 2002, Ghyslian Raza (better known as Start Wars Kid) managed to pass a law requiring the University of Nebraska to add Nuclear Holocaustology to its list of available courses. Failure to comply is punishable by 3-5 years paper cuts and a $ 433.68 fine. As a result, 8 students have graduated (as of 2005) as professional “nukologists”.

The study involves:

  • Prediction of occurrences
  • Prevention
  • Encouragement
  • Protection against the effects

The most recent analysis has shown that a nuclear holocaust will be likely to result from ongoing friction (not yet begun) between the USA and North Dumpling Island concerning the appointed ministers of ice-creams.

Meanwhile, the troofers are busy engaging in nuclear holocaust denial. Unlike the real Holocaust, at least nuclear holocaust can be truthfully denied.

Personal tools
projects