Norway

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== Famous Norwegians ==
 
== Famous Norwegians ==
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:''(See [[Norway/Famous Norwegians]])''
* [[Nils Hjort]]: A pwn4ge h4xx0r from Oslo, the capital of Sweden.
 
* [[Eric The Red]]: Eric was the discoverer of Greenland and he's known for his [[Marijuana addiction]]
 
* [[Lappish Leader Kronpins Haakon]]: He made the name Lap that means Same. The reason for this is because he usually watched lapdances in [[Beiarn]] in the snow for not too get a hard penis and couldnt find a good name for his people, every same watches lapdances at least one time a day so he tought it would fit.
 
* [[Jens Stoltenberg]]: The prime minister of norway. He belives that Santa is still alive in Nashville and that Elvis still comes around with presants each Christmas. He is suffering under the religion called Santanism.
 
* King Harald: Norway's current king. King Harald is said to rule the country with an iron fist, and actually has an iron fist instead of a normal left hand. He has had this ever since [[evil]] got into his hand in his younger days, and he had to cut it of with a [[chainsaw]].
 
* [[a-ha]]: One of Norway's most famous Gay Act Groups of the 80's, with the hit single, "Take on me (and my Norwegian Penis)"
 
* [[Kristian Vikernes]] AKA [[Varg Vikernes]]: Former king of Norway, currently in self-imposed exile on a small island outside [[Bergen]].
 
* [[Ola Nordmann]]: A norwegian hardrocker and "tyttebærpeller".
 
* [[Kristin Clemet]]: Exiled Norwegian, now supreme ruler of <s>Propaganda</s> [[Snoreway]].
 
* [[Princess Leah]]: Royal heiress of Norway. Her hats are known to be outrageously big, but so is her heart.
 
* [[Carl I. Hagen]]: The person that learned a country to love and not hate our new fellow country men. He was also the leader of [[FrP]], but he said that they only was thinking about money and he didn't want to be a part of it.
 
* [[Skybert]]: A famous wrestling imp.
 
* [[Sybertine]] : The girfriend of Skybert, who beats the crap out of him.
 
* [[Eli Hagen]]: Wife of [[Carl I. Hagen]]. Eli Hagen is well known for being a part of the Jackass team (actually it was secret, but now you know it!). Her stunt reportoire includes things like driving down the stairs outside the royal castle, showing up in public with weird hair cuts and writing books just to see if anyone will actually read them. Is also known to refuse magazines that pay for interviews and she assures everyone she does not care about money, so that must be the reason.
 
* [[Siv Jensen]]: One of Carl I. Hagen's closest partners when it comes to drug dealing. Most people does not know about her embarrasing secret, an illness making her constant shaking her head in TV shows. Therfore she is sometimes called Siv "Shaking her head" Jensen.
 
* [[Mette Marit]]: Norwegian porn star and famous gold digger. Was once spotted digging gold out of the hindquarters of random passers-by. This did not go down at all well with the Norwegian Gold Diggers Union or the Society of the Ramdomly Passing By, who promptly had her killed.
 
* [[Wolfgang Quick]]: Infamous inventor. And a real hunk of a man.
 
* [[Kjell Magne Bondevik]]: Former prime minister of Norway who was abducted by aliens in 2005. Also known for his reign of terror between the years 2001 and 2005. tens of thousands of Norwegians died, some of them not even from old age.
 
* [[Nansen|Fridtjof Nansen]]: Famous nationally for ''almost'' making it to the [[North Pole]]. Yes, really.
 
* [[Amundsen|Ronny Amundsen]]: Famous internationally for actually making it to the [[South Pole]]. Infamous nationally for stealing [[Nansen]]'s ship to do it.
 
* [[Asgeir]]: Rebellious leader of the Terrorist organization "Extreme Oppussing". Also called ''The Boss of all bosses''. His hair is stained from the blood of all his victims.
 
* [[Jon Almaas]]: the ruler of Norwegian television. Very clean.
 
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* [[Vidkun Quisling]]: The only Norwegian known beyond Europe.
 
* [[Jahn Teigen]]: Professional skeleton, member of Norwegian Androgynic Silly Artists ([[Nasa|NASA]]).
 
* [[Ole Brumm]]: The Norwegian defence minister who said the world famous words: "Ja takk, begge deler" ("Two beers or not two bears, that is the question and the answer to world peace in the Middle East"). He also wrote the famous [[Oslo agreement]].
 
* [[Mullah Krekar]]: A famous kurdish-born Norwegian freedom fighter. Has tried to escape from Norway several times, but Norwegian authorities put him in jail because they did not want him to leave. Obviously a very popular person in Norway, much because of his beard, which serves as an inspiration for many Norwegians with less hair. If you grow your hair in Norway, you will eventually get the people to do what you want them to do. This is a well known tactic in Norway.
 
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* [[Marve Fleksnes]]: Lech Walesa's cousin, fighting for workers rights in Norway.
 
* [[Kari Bremnes]]: Famous porn star. Made over 600 Norwegian pornographic films in her career with Arne Brimi. When she tragically died in a freak porn-related food accident (involving some pretty poignant butt ultimately flawed fellatio-related roasting of big game), the whole country ground to a halt. Conspiracy theorists claim that the anti-porn league of food haters killed her and made it look like a freak accident.
 
* Kurt Nilsen: The leader of the cartel called ''Idol''. Also known for his terrible lack of humour, terrible voice, and being a cousin of [[Bilbo Baggins]]. Has occasionally spent time in a vat of caviar on top of a giant baboon. But pays his taxes.
 
* [[Pia Haraldsen]]: Former stepdaughter of [[Queen Sonja of Norway]]'s brother until recently when her mother was dumped and Pia went public in Norwegian media and claimed that her mother was broke and was now attending Norwegian wellfare services. Norwegians are now working on selling Pia to their neighbour country Sweden. Rumours has it that the Sweeds will only accept the deal in exchange for [[Thomas Quick]] which is considered to be a good deal for the Norwegians.
 
* [[Helene Rask]]: She's a fucking sexy lady. Everyone want's to touch her boobs and pussy.
 
* [[Knut Hamsun]]
 
* [[Do-draugen]]: He is the chief of the ministry of culture and education. He proves his creativity by lurking in people's toilets and puts a finger up their rectum when they're about to take a dump.
 
* Ole Gunnar Solskjaer: Probobaly norways most famous soccer player ever made. But does he know how to play soccer? no, he really dont.
 
*Aylar Lie: This is norways most beloved porn-star (and miss norway winner). She has posed in several magazines like "Hjemmet" ( fisting magazine) and "Allers"(A magazine with ladies 70+)
 
*Jenny Rolness: A gun-crazy, rigth-wing, fur-wearing female from the wildernes of Førde city. Often seen hunting bambi in the city park
 
*Odd Martin Mikalsen:A world known bardudøl,most famous for his mastering of the almost forgotten "bardai daiki" language.
 
*Vegar Nygård: Known for being the biggest idiot, after proposing democracy in the City Square of Bergen, often gets the comment: Klepp deg og få deg en jobb (Cut yourself, and get a (hand)job)
 
* John Erik Berle an almost famous football player
 
* [[Arne Brimi]]: A crazy man who talks jibberish in many Norwegian gay porn movies. "[[Gutta på tur]]" is his most famous gay porn movie.
 
* [[Lene Alexandra]]: Her boobs, her boobs, her boobs are OK!
 
* Harald Eia : The man who invented heterosex
 
*Pål Bang Hansen : Winner of Miss Norway 1966
 
* The Mysterious Merry : Runs like hell when he sees a girl
 
* B : A dude who keeps his mouth shut every time he is swimming in Lysakerelva beside any girl he is in love with (especially Tale)
 
   
 
== Norwegian Sports ==
 
== Norwegian Sports ==

Revision as of 00:22, July 4, 2007

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File:Norsk.png

The Nazionalistic Republic of Norway (pronounced nowhere by Asians) is one of the last Soviet states, joining the one-man club of Belarus. The fabled Slartibartfast created it around tea-time; as legend has it, he was inspired by a particularly complicated wrinkle in his tablecloth.

American Democratic Republic of Norway
Flag of Norway3 NorwegianCoatofArms
(Flag) (Coat of Arms)
National Anthem: “Ja, vi elsker!”
In English: "Yes, we love!"
In Russian: "Да, мы любим!"
Norway2007
Capital Oslo
Biggest Cities Oslo, Minneapolis, Stavanger, Fargo and Trondheim
Number of inhabitants 55 million people
Official Number of inhabitants 4 680 356
Official languages Norwegian, Norwenglish
Independence 1905
Head of State King Herald XVII of Norway
Primeminister Pikenes Jens
Form of government Capitalism
Currency Norwegian Dollars
Religion Satanism
Timezone Ahead of USA
Constitution Day February 29th
File:Euw.PNG

A member of the United Federation of Planets since its independence from Stockholm in 1953, the colony has a reputation amongst outsiders for censorship and a strong, almost fetishistic love of socks, particularly white ones. The colony has, in recent years, been at war with whales and, more infrequently, Good Christian Decency. A little known fact about these so-called Norwegians is that they reproduce asexually.

History

Main article: History of Norway.


The history of Norway is that of northernmost group of rich, fish-eating WASPs. It's abundant with Swedes, Danes, Fags, cheese, goats, and UN diplomats.

After the Ice Age ended the Stone Age, Norwegians were known to be the hairiest and blondest Europeans who babbled a language based on deer grunts and bird cries. They spoke that way until missionaries arrived in the tenth century and taught them to knock off that shit and speak normally. They also taught them how to cook fish (a skill long forgotten in Norway), that Odin wasn't real (but Santa was), and the missionary position (which made the gay sex and beastiality of the "Old Days" impossible).

By the 1300's all the Vikings had died out and were replaced by a taller and wealthier breed of Norwegians that populate Norway today. In 1342 King Olav VI (the Hairy) issued an edict that any adult Norwegian under five foot six and $50,000 annually (the remaining Vikings) be shipped off the reeducation centers in Finland. In 1379 Jøn Haarde of Norway was deemed best banker in Europe, interrupting Michael Schwartz's 23 year streak briefly before Jürgen Holzfäller of Geneva surpassed Schwartz's record in 1425.

Norway was unheard of until King Gustav XII/XIII (who gives a flying fuck) came to power in 1828. His two biggest accomplishments were 1. building the Olav's Palace Kåsinø (complete with gambling, lutefisk cocktails, and sexy waitresses) in downtown Oslo, which became a goldmine overnight and 2. going to war with Israel in 1842 to secure Iceland. Israel had God on their side and defeated Norway in the battle of Britain. Norway took a break for coffee and cake at the wrong time and Israel took hold of Iceland. The effects of the Israeli Occupation can be clearly shown by the President's wife. King George II congratulated Israel on its victory by inviting God over for tea on Thursday before seizing Israel in 1843.

The twentieth century was a good time for Norway. The Nazi occupation during WWII was much loved by Norwegians because it made them feel good about themselves. The norwegians sought to Sweden during these times to make them feel good too, but the swedish refused. Sources say that the nazis wanted to mate norwegians with swedes to make the "master" race, but seing that all the swedes were gay they turned pussy (neutral) on their norwegian brothers with the quote -"Vi vil inta pula med dom höta norskbrudorna"- which in english means -"We're all way too gay"- The 1950's onward was a time of Norway getting richer and richer, Norwegians working less and less, and Swedes hating Norway more and more. Oil was discovered in 1956 when a Tromsø suburb was destroyed by a flood of "black gloop".

The EU twice tried to force Norway into their union in order to make the map on the tellside of those Euro-coins look less like a penis. France vetoed Norway out of the EU the first time; the reason is unknown. Political pundits speculate that they enjoy the penises on their coins.

The famus Norwegian boat "The Fast window" went on reason in black contry. Microsoft, on the other hand, denies having anything to do with this window. They claim that their window is just as slow as before.

In 1916 Norway pissed on Kenya. Kenya has been a developing country ever since.

Since SK Brann won the cup (not the league) in 2004, a strong seperatist movement has been growing in Bergen. They want their own nation, stretching out to and including Voss in the west, Bømlo in the south and Masfjorden in the west, and they work towards this goal by bringing more foreigners into Oslo, killing wolves and being loud and arrogant. It is commonly known that Hermann Friele is the leader of this group, strongly backed by Varg Vikernes, Jan Eggum, Vibeke Løkkeberg, Gunnar Staalesen, Frank Aarebrot, Erna Sorlberg and Mons Ivar Mjelde.

In the year of 2067, Norway will once again accomplish world-domination with a leader wich has allready been born in Kolbotn/Verdens Metropol. No ninja will ever set a foot in Norway again.

Royalty

Norway is ruled with an iron fist by the country's beloved King Herald XVII, a King famous for his collection of novelty hats (which reportedly includes over 12 different double-beer helmets) and his unfathomable hatred towards Sweden and everything Swedish. Also the prince of purple Ari Behn / Ari Bein has some power over certain parts of the country: Alta, Glomma, Barkåker, Sotra, Stavanger, Tvedestrand and Nordkapp fall under his dominion. Fortunately for these regions he rules with more of a cotton fist than his father-in-law the King.

The Norwegian king has also founded several health concentration camps for non-smokers throughout the country. He himself was formerly known as a world class athlete, but unfortunately he failed to grab the official world ski jumping record in Holmenkollen (the hills of certain death), and now he has gone through numerous surgical operations to correct his appearance.

The probably least known fact about the royal family is that they are a tool of the Kaizers Orchestra (German for "The Emperor's Band"). This band is the real power behind the throne of Norway's Stalinist Monarchy, and has decided that anyone who resists them must "Ompa til de dør". This is an ancient Viking mind control method of torture, where the infidels must engage in bone breaking stunts until they die from exhaustion and organ rupture.

Unless it's forgotten, the prime minister is selected from a pool of potential politicians every fourth year based on his or her likelihood of running Norway into the ditch.

Others who dominate Norway are Count Grishnack (greven) and Duke Hank von Helvete. They may in fact be dominating this very entry as you read. But not to worry, they are a benevolent force.

However much truth there is in the above, there is only one true ruler of Norway and that's the Ælg (the moose), sitting in the crown of the pine trees.

In Norway there are alot of elite gamers, and they are some of the best gamers in the world. They also pwn sweeds all day.


Culture

Norway is famous for its music. Black metal owns all minds in Norway. The bestestestest band of all bands is called DDE, which means Devil's Death Ensemble. They have songs called "Her blir det liv" (Resurrect the dead), "Vinsjan på kaia" (Hanged by Satan), "Vi skal sjå sola ned i havet" (Bringing down the sun), "Rai Rai" (Kill Kill) and "E6" (Road to hell). They are written in an old norwegian language called "Norrønt" (Norse) and are extremely scary. On stage the vocalist always walks around naked with only corpse paint on. DDE are the only European band visible from the moon. Go DDE!

The evilest band in all the history of Norway is called Ole Ivars, and is known to burn at least five churches each day, or else they get abstinences and might become blind or even die. Some would say that DDE is more evil, but that's just bullshit. Ole Ivars is the true evil in disguise … but they're not trying to hide it (if they are, they clearly suck at it).

One thing that is often pointed out is that all Norwegian Black Metal is actually the same song with only minor changes in pitch and album cover layout. Therefore it is a sound strategy to only buy one single CD with Norwegian Black Metal, as it will contain all songs already written, as well as all songs still to be written.

File:Scale.jpg

It is a well-known scientifically proven undeniable ultra-fantastic very-fantabulos extremely-reliable 100%-truthy fact that all Norweigans are Vikings that play black metal. In fact 66.7890654% of Norway's GDP comes from black metal albums and Viking helmets. The most trendy diet in Norway is the diet of raw fish and raw evangelical Christian eyeballs along with a side of the traditional smalahove (smoked sheep brains of the finest taste). The clothing trends are some of the most stylish in the world … the males often wear leather (with their Viking helmets, of course!) or opt for the traditional corpse paint (with their Viking helmets, of course, you silly goose!). The same goes for females. The only Norwegians not in a black metal band are the members of a-ha, shunned by many of their peers.

Hobbies include: playing black metal, pillaging, pillaging, pillaging, playing more black metal, and why-don't-we-pillage-some-more-and-then-go-home-and-play-black-metal. It is a Norwegian custom to wear your Viking helmet at all times or you shall be smitededededed by thy sword. Oh, and add making swords to that list.

Norwegian television is one of the most highly praised and awarded in the whole entire world, consisting of black metal concerts, pillaging reality shows, more black metal concerts, and a Viking culture channel owned by the god Odin (now known as Santa).

All Norwegians are required to worship Santa.

How Odin became known as Santa:

  • Odin had and argument with his wife, Pamela Anderson.
  • Odin then starts drinkin' way too much Mead.
  • Odin gains a beer-belly.
  • Pamela makes Odin a red fat suit.
  • Odin puts it on; then he gets this insane idea of giving presents to whiny goth kids (something no one should ever do, unless it is a giftwrapped knife. Anyone else attempting this is very likely to drown in tears and makeup).

It is worth nothing that the music of Norway is one of the main reasons the country is shunned by the rest of the civilized world. Thailand and Norway are as of this day still not on speaking terms as a result of The Great Disco Disaster of 1994.

Transnational Issues

Between 1905 and 2078 Norway fought its War of \"independence\" against Sweden. The conflict is commonly known as Kjøttbullkriget in Sweden.

Most of the world, along with the Swedish government, holds that Norway is a protectorate of Sweden. Norwegians just look at Sweden as a black spot on the map.

Principalities

The Svalbard islands have been under Norwegian control since 1970, when the 30-year long war with Iceland and Russia was put to an end. As the Norwegian Coast Guard has trouble with poor spellers, they usually shoot first, shoot later, shoot some more, then asked some questions. Usually "Who do we shoot next?"

Interestingly, modern genetics have revealed that Norwegians are the forefathers of every single individual in the whole wide world who truly matters. Einstein\'s grandparents were Norwegian fisher-farmers who lived relatively far south in the country. Steven Pinker\'s parents own a leather-procurement factory in Stavanger. George W. Bush was born in a slightly oxygen-deprived Norwegian fjord. And Newt Gingrich has actually never left Norway. His appearance in American politics is purely a trick of the mind.

Military

After the Norwegians converted to the political ideology "semi-egalitarism", they had problems maitaining a solid chain of command in their military, as officers are required to keep their ranks secret. Instead, it is common practice for officers to fire their guns in the air to show dominance. This has made warfare almost impossible, since the armed forces never can keep their location secret as they keep firing their guns up in the air. This was also the cause of the ultimate demise of the Royal Norwegian Airforce. Attempts to re-estalish the airforce failed because, guess what.., except for Rudolf raindeer wont fly. (if the did Norway would have the largest and deadliest airforce in the world)

Since Norway is among the greatest oil exporters of the world, and therefore is under a constant threat from U.S. invasion, they have to keep their army in peak condition. Soldiers are required to gain weight during their service, and undergo weekly sessions of alcohol overconsumption to achieve this.

The Norwegian army is also responsible for attempting an attack on Russia, but the Norwegian soldiers were so intoxicated that they marched to the wrong country. Actually, they didn't even cross the Norwegian borders, and instead attacked a Norwegian Town called Florø. The Natives in this town didn't defend themselves. Instead they joined the army and burried their town with stones and sticks. Ever since, this turn of events has been known among historians as "Florø's paradox".

The Norwegian Barfighting Method is the official style of fighting in the Norwegian millitary and is in fact the only thing about the Norwegian army that works. (If you happen to be looking in a different direction, that is.)

There is also internal struggles with the Norwegian Army and the Samisk Frigjøringshær (Sami Liberation Army). Unfortunally for the SLA, Rudolf got drunk and bombed Sweden instead.

Commando-Nord, a mighty clan in Battlefield 2, is Norways best defence.

Terrorism

The guerilla front of Norway, called "Dænsebænd", are led by a nihilistic and mean-spirited creature whose name, whispered only in shushed awe, is Sputnik. He likes to wear cowboy-gear and is armed with a deadly audio-instrument (see Skrækkspellfæstival). The only weapon law-abiding citizens have against Sputnik is the traditional throwing of Turbojugend hats. This, however, is a controversial weapon, the deployment of which has not been sanctioned by international agreements. Sputnik is most known for his killer hit "Nå skal vi skilles Johanne" (I can't stand my wife, so I'll kill her). It's a song with a lot of dark messages, and you can hear them best if you play the song backwards or sideways.

Sputnik once collaborated with the terrorist organization DDE to overthrow the previous Norwegian government. Jens Stoltenberg bears a grudge to this day. It may in fact have caused him to take up bicycling. This may also be the reason he refused to hug Trond Giske as he is a close friend of DDE.

The Sami group Popular Front for the Liberation of Lappland engages in vicious terrorism in their struggle for a homeland. Tactics usually consist of screaming for "erstatning" and encouraging reindeer stampedes, both of which are known to induce fear in the Norwegian populace. The Sami people have been accused for the brutal murders of more than 10 000 Norwegian people living in the town kristiansand. The reason: they lived in the south (Sami people hate southern parts of Norway).

Luckily there are many international antiterrorism groups like AC/DC, IRON MAIDEN, and the best antiterrorism-agent is Eddie Van Halen.

And now for something completely Norwegian:

There's been a war going on in Norway. Not many people are aware of this fact. For a long time, the Wolf tribe and the Sheep tribe have been fighting each other. There are many people who sympathise with these tribes. More specifically, at least two groups of people are sympathising with the Wolf tribe. They are not aware of the fact that the Wolf tribe has brainwashed them, so they follow the tribe blindly. They are known for going to war against the ones that sympathise with the Sheep tribe. The "warriors" on each side are fierce, and they will never surrender, no matter what. Sometimes, some members of the Sheep tribe scarify themselves on purpose so they can blame the Wolf tribe. These Sheep are known as "Kamikaze Sheep" and fear no one. You do not know who they are before you read about them in the news. And then it is too late. You're already dead. So what are you doing reading the newspapers, you dead guy, you?

The two groups of people that sympathise with the Wolf tribe are called Naturvernforbundet (the institution for protecting weak, naturalistic minds) and Natur og ungdom (The Bring-the-lazy-kids-out-in-the-nature organisation). Of course there are groups of people that sympathise with the Sheep tribe too. One of these groups are "sauebønder", or "The Norwegian Sheep Shagging Foundation", as they are known by the rest of the world (Sheep farmers). They are helping the Sheep's cause by offering them a place to stay during the winter, and in the summer, they let them out in the forest again. The forests are at their most sheep-friendly during summer. The "sauebønder" keep complaining about their losses of sheep, but refuse to realize that it is their own fault when they let their sheep out in the dangerous forests.

Other groups: Originating in stokmarknes, Børøy-mafiaen is known for its many terrorist attacks on the Opus complex, located on the coast of Børøya, the largest island in Norway. No one knows what they are resisting against, but some has said that they just don't like the color of the complex and that it should be painted pink. Their attack methods are unconventional, using a mix of fireworks, gasoline, other volatile substances and a good dose of stupidity, which has lead to such incidents as "the great blowing of the sewege pipe on the south wall" known to have taken place on newyearseve 2005. The entire group was caught after this, as some filthy brats couldn't keep their mouths shut, and this ended in a sentence for three days of labour which should have been carried out by the entire group as a whole, but Markus A. Orvik (one of the central figures in the group, accused for having ties with Sissel Kyrkjebø, another resitance leader, using sound as their main weapon), ended up doing it himself, with little help from the rest of the group!

In January 2007, Solfrid Reilstad (married to Sputnik) bombed the norwegian castle, Statoilhydro's offices and killed the prime minister resulting in total disaster and the need of help from Sweden and Kenya. Kenya refused to help, and launched series of attacks with nuclear weapons against Svalbard instead. She was last spotted hiding under a polarbear, which was walking down the streets of Bardøufoss.

Rina Aakvik is a spy from Kenya, currently in Norway on a mission to blow up all the oilrigs along the coast, wich is going to be a problem, because it is LOONG way to swim! she ha been prized to be one of the most psyco spies ever to go abroad, but in fact, she is a pretty good swimmer. she is now currently located right outide the Shetland-islands taking a nap. And this is is where she´s been the last couple of 100 years, (she has turned into a MONSTER = grey hair on her back, with bIIg red eyes and dredfully sharp teeth, from eating whales.) the Norwegian goverment wil do anything in their power to keep her asleep! - or dead.

Indigenous people

There are a lot of natives in Norway. Some of them are dead. Most famous are the lapps (or skvettlapps). There are a lot of different lapps, or samer. The most famous native in Norway is Anders Pjaaka, not including the two black people residing in an Oslo museum. In addition, there are the Trolls.

The most important are Spettsame, rullesame, Sabeltannsame, Spurvesame, Bekkesame, Flatsame, Løvsame, Snesame, Dunksame, Kleggsame, Knoppsame, Lyngsame, Lakkesame, Nakkesame, Flyttsame, Keisersame, Kongesame, Perlesame, Konglesame, Feltsame, Myntsame, Bronsesame, Kjøttsame, Tullesame, Trommesame, Jernsame, Rustsame, Røyksame, Putesame, Melsame, Langsame, Mellomsame, Flaskesame, Kampsame, Veggsame, Flekksame, Gatesame, Vevsame, Speltsame, Trompetsame, Pungsame, Tårnsame, Fluktsame, Fuktsame, Fettsame, Duggsame, Toppsame, Nebbsame, Hornsame, Enkeltsame, Dobbeltsame, Kvartsame, Dykksame, Fittesame, Stokksame, Geirsame, Flettesame, Påskesame, Koppsame, Taksame, Smettsame, Slagsame, Golvsame, Jubelsame, Hullsame, Grovsame, Dykksame, Moskussame, Muggsame, Spermsame, Sjøsame, Morosame, Lapptop, Femtilapp, Hundrelapp, Huskelapp, Lappskaus and Skvettlapp.

Some of the natives are born outside marriage, and goes under the definition Jukselapp.

Although he's huge in Japan, the Norwegian multi-artist Mikkjel Anslo is pretty small elsewhere. He grew up in a barn in the countryside. Why did his parents raise him in a barn? Because he was butt ugly. Actually, his grandmother died of an oversized heart attack when she saw him for the first time. Early in his career he became famous locally for his porno-drawings. When he was 16, he started his own company. He began to wear a bag over his head so no one could see his ugly face. Later, he contacted "Extreme makeover", but they laughed and said they did not perform miracles. So he became a surgeon himself so he could fix his own face.

After winning a Michael Jackson look-a-like contest (he looked a lot like Michael Jackson without the make-up), he started touring the world. Unfortunately, nobody really cared, so after a while he went back to his country and became a viking. Once he was one of them, he got the appreciation he was looking for. He just told the rest of the vikings that his face had gotten damaged in battle, and they loved him for it. He later became the prime minister of Norway. (I shall not reveal which prime minister he actually became, as this is part of his everlasting mythos.)

What happened to the porno drawings? (And what happened to the hyphen?) They are in a museum that no one knows about today. Actually, the museum is so boring that everyone has forgotten it. The porn is awfully bad and the drawings consentrate on anus and scrotum.

The Trolls are the least well-known of the indigenous people, as they have blended into the society with such success that it is hard to spot them. The playwright Henrik Ibsen exposed them in his play Peer Gynt (no, Peer was not a Troll), where they lived in a mountain cave in Dovre mountain range. Their trade mark was the inability to see very well, being 'seg selv nok' (preoccupied with themselves), and not bearing the exposure to sun light (they would burst). Trolls are really quite dumb, but don't tell them that, as they would be very offended.

Thanks to Darwin, the Trolls evolved, and they can now spend hours in the sun. They love travelling down to the beaches around the Mediterranian, but have also been spotted as far a field as Thailand and Brazil. Crowds of Trolls are known to colonise the beaches of Spain.

The modern Trolls are rich, partly due to off-shore oil pumped up from the sea at a site also called Trolls (the Trolls are vain creatures!). They do not like to share, so they do not want to join the EU. They have also formed a political party called 'Fremskrittspartiet' (Frp). Most people believed that the head Troll was Carl Ivar, but it was really Eli, who had two heads - one secret head disguised by a massive hair do.

Although Ibsen compared Peer Gynt to a cabbage - if you start peeling it, you'll never reach the core - he was unable to find the right veg for the Trolls. In retrospect, the Trolls can be compared with a potato; a fairly friendly veg, but not very bright (Trolls do not like school).

In addition to ordinary Troll, there is 'kon-Troll' (also known as the Paper Monster; related to 'con-Trol' in English), who lives in governmental and municipal officces. These buggers can be quite nasty, but nevertheless not as severe as their big brothers living in Brussels. The kon-Trolls love to count hours (or even seconds), money, filing reports, fill in forms and other types of useful activities. They have recently become invigourated by the explosion of the project plague, which paralyses entire work sectors.

Secret Weapons

Ballistic battleaxe launcher
Nuclear galleys
ViKING size lightsabre
Eli Hagen
Bird-annihilator
the natrium-driven version (all rights reserved)
Scott
human war machine (no rights reserved)
Bad Pizza pieces
Cheese slicer launchers
Crazy Teenagers
Lene Alexandra
Carl I. Hagen
Bjørn Eidsvåg (seriously, who would advance against him?)

Nature

Norway's got rabbits, bigfeet and polar bearss, unlike Kenya. Unlike what most people outside of Norway think, polar bears do walk around in towns and cities. This has become so big of a problem in Oslo that they have their own polar bear patrols to keep them at bay. This has been controversial, as many white supremacist sheep farmers argue that brown bears are just as much of a problem as they have been seen to occasionally eat (white) sheep, out in the country.

Nearsighted people are illegal in Norway. Therefore most nearsighted people in Norway have been exported to Iowa to form their own colony, changing their names from Norwegians to Iowegians. In return the state of Iowa sponsors the first verse of the Norwegian national anthem. It has, however, repeatedly expressed doubts about the notorius second verse.

In the fjords of Norway there are several unidentified creatures. According to old legends, many of them share an uncanny similarity with Nessie of Loch Ness. But since they have not yet been identified, we don't really know.

It has long been believed that Keiko the killer whale died of natural causes during the animal's recent stay in the Norwegian fjords. This turns out to be nothing more than a cover story. Keiko was killed by the local "lænsmanj" (sheriff) after refusing to join his regiment of poorly trained suicide polar-bears. Keiko argued in futility that he was neither a polar bear nor any other land animal and would therefore have difficulties performing his duties on land even though he sympathized with the cause (which was to force the government to withdraw from the United Federation of Planets and join the Klingon Empire). The Lænsmanj, drunk on potato moonshine, would not listen to reason and stabbed the whale to death with his 2-inch pocketknife – a ruthless murder which took a fortnight to complete.

Of Norway's natural assets, the most valuable is believed to be the ground-frost, also known as Tæle (or Tele for a small minority of rich Oslo west-enders who are constantly trying to acquire this asset, consistently undervaluing it). The most famous transaction of Tæle was when Halvdan Svarte bought a great piece of this from his brother, in order to ensure a safe passage across a sound. Needless to say, it mattered little that the ground was frozen 50 feet below him when the water was not, and poor Halvdan suffered the most common Norwegian cause of death.

Hunting and fishing: Most tourists visiting Norway are not in the country to look at the nature. Their real reason for visiting is hunting moose or free fishing. (See German tourist.) Hunting of moose with gun is only legal a short periode of the year, and at a high fee to the local owner of land. But hunting moose with a car is legal, and well organized by the national authorities. Along the roads with good hunting conditions, there are set up lots of informational signs. Dependent of position, they are indicating if the moose is likely to show up at right or left side of the road, and the distance it will run along the road before escaping. At certain places there are even set up fences with narrow gaps, to collect as many animals as possible. And some places are even equipped with light signals, to show if there are any moose in the area that can be hunted. The Norwegian tourist authorities has launched the campaign for moose hunting: A bloody experience you will remember for a long time.

A other hunting goal in norway is wormhunting. The worm (at norwegian ¨meitemark¨) is easily spotted by birds. The birds can hear worms down in the ground. when the birds are on to catch the worm, you can shoot the bird and take the worm. In Norway it is popular to feed their children with worms because it is not expensive and the other money can be used at Norwegian prostitutes.

Sports

The national sport of Norway is called "Milk the Bull While Wearing Suspenders and Skis", and has a high death-rate at approximately 99.2%.

Norway is the first country in the world to start a Champion's League of Nightmares. It is fast becoming hugely popular in other countries, though.

Running in the rain/sleet has the dubious honor of being, simultaneously, both the most practiced and the most hated sport in Norway. This is nowadays known as the Norwegian Runner's Rain/Sleet Paradox in climatological circles.

Another famous sport in Norway is called "Island Jumping". This is a sport where contestants jump from one island to another. Another version of this sport is called "Bar Jumping", where contestants go from one bar to another, drink some karsk, and then go on to the next bar. The one who throws up first has lost, and the one who is first to arrive at the nachspiel has won.

Howeve the most important sport in Norwegia is that of mateing. The norwegians invented the "Reverse Cow-girl" which in Norwegian is "Reverse Moose-Fucker-ering"

The popularity of these two sports has resulted in Norwegian bars being spread around various islands on the coast of Norway.Norway Sport Accsociation

Soccer

We also have to say something about soccer. In Noway the greatest achievement for the national team is to make it to the World Cup, and simply losing every game. Norway has succeeded in this for as long as history can remember. Except for the time when Norway beat Brazil 2-1. This was due to Drillo using his immense glasses to reflect the spotlight onto the eyes of the Brazilians.

Heianorge


The Norwegian hooligans are still as fierce as ever, and many of them are still writing letters on their chest. Some are even writing telegrams. Also, a recent profusion of e-mails has been noted. But the last time they tried to do this, there was one person too many on their team. This led to a lot of confusion. At the last minute, they agreed to do what many reality shows do: they started to vote for someone to leave them. In fact, there was only one person left when they were finished, and he won one million NOK. He can't use the money, because they are not real. Actually, they got the money from a monopoly-game.

Illuminating as the previous paragraph on Norwegian soccer is, a few things need to be added. First of all, Norwegian soccer is dominated by a slightly boring brand of reindeer. They're not boring in the traditional sense, though – they are actually quite interesting. But unfortunately, they're kind of nerdy. Even when they have entertaining points to make, they make them in such a dry and "witty" way, it's enough to drive you crazy. And they're more of a defensive team than a spectator magnet. Also, they have four stomachs, none of which are very entertaining.

Another notable aspect of Norwegian soccer is the widespread use of "complementary beverages". These beverages are universally known to be complimentary. They are often served in glasses. It is considered to be uncouth to drink the glass itself. Only the beverage contained within the glass should be consumed. Once the glass has been emptied of its contents, it should be hurled in the general direction of Sweden.

Others:

Soss

The soss are a norwegian breed of posch. 82,23% of norwegian teenagers are sosses. This is an increasing problem and scientists still havent found a cure. They orgin from rats instead of monkeys, and have many rat-like features. Many of them still have a tail, or at least they think so. Thats why they wear their pants around their knees. They never go anywhere without a white or pink headband. Without the headbands they are defenseless. That's why they always travel in large packs on twelwe or more. They allways have more money than they should have, but still just hang around outside kiosks without ever buying anything. Their behavior is a bit different from oridinary people. They allways threaten people to beat them up when they are in large numbers, but when they are alone and someone tries to fight them they run away to hide. (They will allways return in greater numbers.) Their religion is called Quiz. They practise their religion by going after someone and say the word "quiz" to him in many different voices. They are often observed in larce groups lined up against a wall while they sing it. They believe they will recieve blessings from their god if they do so. But they dont. Idiots.

See also: Idiot

Facts

(See Norway/facts)

Tourist Information

The motto for the Norwegian tourist board has since the fall of the Berlin wall (when tourism was re-legalized) been “come and Norway and see how the road system in your home country was during the war”.

Norway is the only country in the world where there are 367 days every year. These days occur at 0:00AM between the 12th and the 13th of April. This is in the middle of easter, and that is why the two extra days are called middle-east.

There are 2 supermarkets in Norway, on account of the trees growing too thickly for anyone to be able to get their shopping trolleys to the checkout register. If you somehow manage to find one despite the odds, you should be advised that the names of the foodstuffs may be confusing. This is because bork is the Swedish spelling; Norwegians will be mortally offended at its mere whispered mention. The closest Norwegian equivalent is "bjørk" – please note that for a full and balanced diet, you need both bjørk and other bjørk, or the ever-popular daily multibjørk.

If you decide to visit Norway, be sure to bring lots of money. If your annual income is less than $1.000.000, don't bother. Go somewhere else.

Every year Germans invade Norway in their mobile homes. They drive slow, do not use their rear view mirrors and are of great annoyance to the west-coast-crazy people who are in a hurry. Germans are the only people that can afford to go to Norway. This is only because they bring their own place to live and their own food and therefore don't spend any money in Norway. Food in Norway is expensive. A BigMac menu costs $11, and it's not even supersized.

A car costs the same as the national budget of a small African country, so most Norwegians drive old underpowered cars. The roads of Norway holds a standard equal to the dirt roads in the Amazon jungle. Combined with the old shitty cars driving in Norway is a nightmare.

You should visit Bærums Verk( Bærum ). This place have maybe the worlds nicest christmas shopping street.

The Real Norway

One day, a part of hell froze over and turned to Norway. Danzig aka The Devil once went to see this cold hell land and loved it so much, that he actually built him self a vacation house in a place called Hell in Stjørdal, Norway. When he don't want to sleep in his own vacation house, he sleeps in Rica Hell Hotel(Don't believe me?? Just fucking google it). Norway, aka the Hell on Earth, has also given us a shitload of good satanic music like Dimmu Borgir, DDE, Terje Tysland, Sputnik and other types of music, like the death-punk band Turbonegro.

Famous Norwegians

(See Norway/Famous Norwegians)

Norwegian Sports

Norway is famous for it's soccer. They have a sort of "gathering" called "Tippeligaen". You have 14 teams in tippeligaen, all which sucks. Except from Alta If, which are the best team in the Norwegian history *Ninjaedit - HAH!* Although, gays in Norway have no other name than Ståle.

Another famous sport in Norway is runking (in english known as masturbation). All you need is a strong arm (which arm you choose is up to you) and a penis. This sport is often known as a one man sport. All you have to do is to simply move your hand up and down while grabbing your penis. Some people also like to play together, but these people are often called a gay. These rare form of runking is also called grupperunking.

Major cities

(See Norway/Major cities)

Some usefull words and phrases in norwegian

Beer - Øl

Hello - Jammenheigoddagsåhyggeligåsedeg

How are you today? - Ka e med deg idag?

Did you loose the game? - låste du gammen?

Could I have some fries with that? - Slenger du på noe lutefisk?

Do you have a light? - Jeg vil tenne på huset ditt.

Wow you look really strong,do you work out a lot? - Jeg vedder på at jeg kan banke deg ditt fittetryne,skal vi slåss?

Your hair looks awesome. - Har noen pløyd en gressklipper gjennom håret ditt?

How do you do? - Hva er galt med deg?

Do you want a cigarette? - Kom her så skal jeg svi nesehåra dine.

Let me buy you a beer - La meg kaste dette ølglasset etter deg.

Do you want to fuck? - Skal vi plukke blomster?

Damn you! - Å inni bøssingen.

Holy crap! - Å du og da.

See also


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