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“I'm glad these bitches don't carry guns, wait, awww no....”
“Fire is burning,
Many people live in fear,
A ninja stalks you. ”
“Yeah, I've got longish hair and I'm wearing dark clothes. But that doesn't mean I'm a f***ing emo! Where's my katana?”
“Ninji are just like pirates except quicker, smarter, sneakier, and less drunk.”
“Bunsch of damned nanshy boysh. I'll kick their shorry arshes aroond half of Glashgow and then drop their bonesh in the Clyde!”
Ninja (zool. cut-throatius ninjutsu-useis head-rippus-offis assassinus Japanensis) (pl. ninji) is the common Japanese term for a group of intentionally badass martial artists with a complete dominion over all things totally sweet who specialize in killing people, flying, and burger/pizza/magazine delivery, which they do 24/7, and have also been known to mysteriously show up several hours before the burger/pizza/magazine was even ordered, with your condiments. The physical possibility of this is proven by the Uncertainty Principle.
Although ninji are most commonly thought of as being Japanese, it is a little known but true fact that over half of all ninji are from the southwest Detroit area. We know most about ninji from the autobiography of Sebastian Taylor, which appeared on the shelves of every library in the Australian city of Adelaide spontaneously in 1972, then proceeding to perform martial arts performances. The books soon joined the Cirque Du Soleil, but left the troop after several mysterious and spontaneous deaths in the audience. The books were never officially charged.
Ninji are also known for their 'leet skills, their knowledge of quilting history, their total disrespect for authority, their ability to fly, their ability to totally FLIP OUT and cut off people's heads, and the ability to retract their testicles for defensive purposes, even when they aren't cold, all displayed and explained in their book "1337 ways to annihilate pirates". However, ninji are not animals (although they may transform into one if they're feeling particularly badass), in that they do provide receipts for assassinations. Of course, due to their temporal skills sometimes they may give the receipt before the assassination; so if you ever find a small black piece of paper in your pocket, then duck!
Considered an extreme threat, ninji have a small, yet awesome, population.
Remember: Real ninji can not be seen. Only pirates, while drunk on rum, can see them. If you can see your killer then obviously he is a masked Assassin, not a ninja. Either that, or you're a rum-intoxicated pirate.
Ninja Natural Habitat
If you're trying to find a ninja, (make sure you have a written will and you've said goodbye to everybody you love, unless you can bribe a ninja or beg him to be your slave) these are the places they're most commonly found, how do I know? Well let's just say I've lost a lot of interns.
- Behind you
- In front of you
- Near you
- Around you
- Under you
- On top of you
- Between you
- In the shadows of you and your loved ones
- The tree in your backyard
- Inside your mind
- In small villages
- In your bath tub (under the bubbles!)
- Anywhere you can't see
- In your refrigerator
- Adjacent to your car keys
- In your pajamas, right next to the elephant
Training and Skills
Ninji can use any object as a weapon: swords, kantanas, shuriken, Encyclopedia Dramatica, sticks, knives, shuriken, kunai, a banana, a baby, leather pants, a pop can, lengths of rope, wet fishies, rubber duckies, Sam's Club members, your head, keychains, rubber chickens, shuriken, aluminium ladders, folding fans, Dance Dance Revolution, a really sharp pencil, a really dull pencil, pudding, an easter egg, rolled up newspapers, shuriken, bubble gum, ferrets, numbers, kunai, hp deskjet 970Cse color printers, a trombone, a condom, a used condom, a travel-size Webster's dictionary, a lamp shade, 1950s porno flicks, a wiimote, your mom, twinkies, the letter Q (only when capitalized), Billy Mays, a Guitar Hero Guitar, a Pikmin, your arm (or any other bodypart/organ he hasn't destroyed) a Poke'ball, Shuriken, a Rabbid Rabbit, a rampant rabbit, another ninja, disembodied limbs, a CRAY II mainframe, boners, tree trunks, chainsaws, pimp canes, ugly neckties, pies, a soup spoon, your face (after they've ripped it off), emotes, kamehameha blasts, the guitar solo from Metallica's Seek and Destroy, the guitar solo from Avenged Sevenfold's Strenght of the World, laser vision bears, sharks with frickin' lasers of their frickin' heads, webcomics and/or blogs, social lives stolen from people by World of Warcraft, an egg-nut bar, a cereal box (multiple cereal boxes may be used for better results), more shuriken and Axl Rose's voice - pretty much anything except a gun (actually, a ninja could use a gun, but they find throwing the bullets to be more deadly and visually appealing; or they might just kill you by throwing the gun at you). There have even been cases of ninji being able to kill a person with a hamster whilst still keeping the hamster alive to later eat it. In times of stealth, ninji are completely silent (so if you are outside and don't hear anything, a ninja is probably after you). However, a ninja will attack while saying stuff like "Wu-ahh!" "Woa-chau!" "BLLLLLLLL SENGHAAAAAAAA!!!!" or the simple but unpretentious “BBBYYYYAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!”, just because this sounds so awesome. Ninji often train with the National Ninja Association, who provide free weapons and live targets (such as pirates). though this is not unnecessary and many ninji tend to hone their badassness alone.
Throughout their training, Ninja Masters always enforce the rule of only attacking in groups of one or two, even if there are many more ready to attack. But, if attacking all at once may lead to them humorously being thrown off by the defender, they must do so at every opportunity. It is believed this rule was created to prevent ninji from totally kicking the world's ass, and running out of opponents, which ninji need to be at all happy. Also, if they ever become Ninja Masters and lead a gang of ninji, they always have to fight last, and be ready to leave long pauses for smouldering stare-downs, short arrogant speeches, long, insanely annoying speeches, and for sudden twanging strings if they are fighting for Asian audiences, or climactic cheesy music for Western audiences, or strangly funky clapping music (Kill Bill), all before a sudden silence where all sword strikes ring out, and then to slip up and let the good guy win. Some ninji argue that this is all really stupid, but they all get killed the second they finish staring down their master, because he may be old, but he can still TAKE IT IN THE ASS!
Ninji are also known for letting people give it to them IN THE FACE and not even think twice about it (as ninji never need to), as well as being able to wail the guitar even better than Eddie Van Halen. In fact, a ninja can do pretty much anything he chooses merely by concentrating on it for a few seconds, so even the arts of macramé and C++ are well known to them. These and similar properties of ninja are collectively known as Real Ultimate Power. The only things ninji are afraid of are shit-scary ghost stories. It is also highly advisable to ask a ninja.
Ninji also use Bo-Staffs. A Bo-Staff is really, in all actuality, just a big, wooden stick that they hit people with. But only ninji can do it right. Many others have tried to use a Bo-Staff, but have failed dismally, eventually getting killed by the ninja they stole said Bo-Staff from, with the Bo-Staff stolen from that very same ninja. There once was a disputed case of a pirate attempting to use a Bo-Staff, but he was immediately killed with a real Bo-Staff, as ninji can never have anyone matching their mighty skills. Ever.
It is not wise to mess with a ninja, as it will result in your head getting cut off(by a Bo-Staff), having your body turned into a shuriken rack, or being choked by your own arm.
Real Ultimate Power can be attained by a ninja in two ways. The most recent way is to basically attain all aspects of the ninja, like flipping out, playing the guitar awesomely, killing people and killing pirates. The first time ninji received Real Ultimate Power was when Elvis gave ninji The One Ring to prevent The Burger King from getting it. Ninji with The Ring learned how to give other ninji the power of Real Ultimate Power because they had The Ring. This is how they got the power, like He-Man.
Ninji tend to feast on your fear, neglect, lack of speed and your decision not to turn around. Their hatred is primarily derived from the existence of pirates and the unholy sight of women smiling. Any woman who gathers means of entertainment not inflicted upon her by a ninja's underrated topical humor and witty antics is punishable by ninja sword, drop-kick to the Manolo Blahnik's, five across the eyes, or the fearsome ninja dutch rub. Although ninji scarcely consume food, they do have a few exceptions.
- Large cats: Although established that eating domestic house cats is quite easily one of the coolest things you can do, ninji prefer the rugged stuff. How do you think ninji get hair on their constantly secured knuckles? Simple, they take on lions, tigers, leopards, and cheetahs one-on-one. Ninji have been witnessed to verbally persuade two lions to have a steel cage match within the confines of a state park. This is funny considering ninji rarely ever speak.
- Creampuffs with sharp angles and powdered swords: These make for sumptuous deserts, and conveniently they also double as weapons.
- Anything that reminds them of Eric Clapton's hair: Ninji once experimented with making their suits out of Eric Clapton's hair. Unfortunately, they could not resist the temptation of feasting on the pure taste of heroin, blood, sweat, and guitar.
- Napalm: It makes their indestructible semen just that much more indestructible. They often use their napalm-filled semen to rape pirates and cause them grevious amounts of anal pain, which is how pirates came upon the "ARRRR" curse.
- Babies: For breakfast, lunch, dinner, and sometimes brunch, ninji will consume babies of all varieties. They're usually dined on with ketchup and sometimes peanut butter.
- Grues: Grues are a very rare delicacy for ninji, owed mostly to the difficulty of subduing them. They are eaten raw and with a side of nails and tile grout. It is said that a ninja will gain phenomenal cosmic power. I don't know where they got their information from, as ninji are impossible to observe whenever they are not currently in a state of killing you, but reports indicate that declining grue populations often lead to explosions of shuriken related deaths.
- The very matter of the universe: Ninji could survive for entire millennia without eating anything physical, simply because they might be busy destroying a killer, 18-foot viking, or a two-headed dragon from the pits of Hell. In these times, they just absorb sustenance from the air around them, the ground they stand on, or whatever's handy.
- Other Ninji: Ninji, when at the point where the universe's consciousness is no more, will resort to cannibalism. Common sense suggests that this will be the ninja's ultimate downfall, which is why is why it's not very common anymore. This fact is also true for many types of amphibian and most of your local restaurants.
- Kittens: Ninji eat kittens because of their soft texture and screeching meow, they also can make useful diversions such as blowing up the kitten to escape.
Codes of the Ninja
Ninji tend to send us codes of what they are planning to do to you; however, most humans simply cannot comprehend these messages with their feeble brains. Here are a few that we have taken the liberty to translate for you.
- You "see" a Ninja somewhere = Prepare to die
- A Ninja makes eye contact with you = Prepare to die
- You are performing your daily routine like a good cyborg does = Prepare to die.
- A ninja shakes your hand = Have a nice day... then you're going to die.
- Other = Prepare to be mutilated (long, fancy way ninji say prepare to die)
- You come home to find a ninja reading the paper and using your toilet = You can't knock on the freakin door? Prepare to die.
- You see an innocent-looking old man walking toward you, desperately asking you for help = Run if you want, but he'll catch you up anyway. (Ninji usually disguise themselves as old men, which increases their cool factor)
- A Ninja finds you playing Naruto: Rise of A Ninja = Prepare to Die and then the Ninja will beat the game in less then 4.34 seconds.
- A Ninja flips you off = Same as above and below
- You do NOT see a ninja = Prepare to die
- If you don't know where a fart came from = prepare to die.
- If you are a ninja = Prepare to kill someone.
- You smell something horrible = Prepare to die, this ninja does not bathe
- If a ninja sees you playing Ninja Gaiden on the Xbox 360 = Prepare to die multiple times, then the ninja will swiftly take your Xbox 360, as a trophy
- You have seen a premonition = Prepare to die (freak accident involving a ninja)
- A ninja takes you out for dinner = Prepare to dine in hell.
- You write this sentence = prepare to d---
- You attempt to speak with ninji with a "naruto" accent = prepare to die. Believe it!
What to do if a ninja is after you
Being masters of stealth, there is usually no way to know if a ninja is following you until you suddenly find a ninja star embedded in your temple, or a sword sticking out of your chest. So therefore the rest of these are pretty useless. Still, on the off chance that you detect a ninja, try the following:
- First, do not panic. Ninji are able to sense panic and will home in on it, just like dogs, bees, or William Shatner.
- Second, don't get bitten. If a ninja bites you, you will become one at every full moon. Actually, that may be a myth, but you still don't want to get bitten, since that's a good way to get an infection, and it will probably hurt a lot. Wait, on second thought....who doesn't want to be a ninja? Sometimes the ninja will curse his bite however, resulting in the victim turning into a pirate instead of a ninja.
- Third, ninji are NOT intimidated by pirates!. Dressing up as a pirate in an attempt to intimidate a ninja will have the same effect on your body as a blender does on mince meat. Only pirates should act like pirates (and if the ninji had their way, not even them).
- Do not ask, "Who's there?...", because the answer is always a swift shuriken to the forehead. Incidentally, non ninja stalking you don't tend to reply with anything useful either.
- Don't get in a car and drive off, because the ninja will probably jump on the car and try to stab you through the ceiling with his sword. Besides, the ninja would already have placed caltrops in front of the tires. Incidentally, ninji have an uncanny ability to plan for their foe's every move. This could result from some kind of mystical ninja psychic ability, or maybe it's because one of the ninja mottos is "expect the unexpected."
- Do not pull out a gun and shoot the ninja. That is useless, since ninja are impervious to bullets (they shoot themselves just to cure itches). Even if you were lucky enough to hit the ninja, he would just take the bullet and beat you to death with it.
- Do not attempt to use pepper spray on the ninja. The ninja will use the spray to season his bologna sandwich, making him a bloated and satiated ninja. The only aim he has left is your swift demise.
- Whatever you do, do NOT speak like a pirate, as ninji attack pirates on sight. Actually, just to be on the safe side, you should try to avoid using any words with an "R" in them. You might try pointing behind the ninja and saying "Look out! There's a pirate behind you!" but ninji are very cunning and will assume you are lying, so you might instead want to point behind the ninja and say, "Don't look! There is not a pirate behind you!"
- Never use reverse psychology on a ninja, they'll take it as an insult, skewer you on their katanas and then turn you inside out. I guess that the previous is now null. Oh well... pirate!
- Always remember that haikus DO NOT work on ninji.
- DO NOT try to throw links at a ninja. They will just get really pissed and kill you even more.
- Stay still and hope the ninja does not see you. Ninji are very sensitive to movement. Climbing a tree is not recommended, since ninji are very good at climbing.
- Try to pretend you are a samurai. Because ninji are wary of samurai, you could try to pretend you are a samurai, if you happen to have a katana and a complete set of medieval samurai armor handy, and speak fluent feudal-era Japanese.
- Use kung fu. Your best option is to go out there and kung fu fight the ninja. However, ninji invented kung fu (though the Shaolin monks took all the credit) so you don't have a chance in hell. However, you will retain some honor by deciding to fight the ninja. Of course, after the ninja slices off your limbs and beats you with them until you cry like a baby, you may find yourself wishing for the option of a quick, shameful death.
- Pretend to be a ninja. Ninji never attack fellows ninji except their mothers smacking them. If you don't happen to have a full ninja uniform or speak fluent Japanese, though...
- Run straight to the nearest chopper This is what Dutch advises when The Predator approaches (An alien type of ninja)
- If at all possible, always have a bonsai plant handy to give as an offering. Ninji love bonsai plants, and may even delay your demise by up to thirty seconds.
- Do not use the Jedi mind trick. It doesn't work, the ninja will simply pull out his spare handy light-saber and use the force on your ass.
- Place your head between your legs and kiss your ass good-bye. (highly recommended)
- Let him make you his bitch.
- Set yourself on fire. Ninji dislike fire (that they themselves did not spawn into existance by concentrating their chakras) really badly and they will run away from you, until you're completely crispy. The ninajs will then come back later on and eat your crispy corpse for dinner.
In summary: if a ninja is after you, there is nothing you can do about it. Most of the time, you won't even know a ninja is after you until you're standing at the Pearly Gates in disbelief. Don't worry though, ninji don't usually go after random targets. Just in case they decide to, however, don't play "Ninja Gaiden" or "Shinobi" - it just offends them.
What to do if a ninja is BEFORE you
- Just stand back, and let him go about his daily business. If there's one thing ninji hate, it's people who jump queues.
- Try to touch him. If you want to have one less head.
- DON'T CUT IN LINE. He will let you pass, buy food and then throw a shuriken swiftly into your throat killing you instantly, then take your food without dropping or otherwise spoiling the food.
- Keep your distance. Unless you want to end your life early.
If you hear a ninja make noise, do not assume that they were sneaking and accidentally did so. You will NEVER hear a ninja accidentally make a noise. Not even a fart. If you are hearing a noise, you may nonetheless stand a chance of surviving. Ninji, like bears, will only threaten you in self defence, or if they're really pissed off. If you HAVE really pissed off a ninja (in which case there's no hope), then either A) you are a Samurai and already know this or B) you are a pirate and have stolen this computer. Please return this computer to its original owner.
Common ninja noises:
- Kua-chaaiii -- You're f***ed.
- Hiii-waaaaaaa -- You're f***ed.
- D'wooooOOOO -- This ninja has to take a dump, bad, and you have been generally allotted two seconds to get away from between him and the bathroom. Or else you're f***ed.
- Wa-zatiii! -- EITHER It's okay, he's only going to kill you family OR You're f***ed.
- Yee-HAH -- This ninja will horribly mutilate you, but not kill you.
- Haaaaaaaah -- This ninja just wet his pants. Act like you didn't notice, or you're f***ed.
- Huahhh? --Tell him quick how to get to
- Believe It! --This is not a Ninja, this is a dumbass blondie trying to be a Ninja.
- Dattebayo --This is also not a Ninja, this is a noob in an orange jumpsuit trying to be a ninja. (Will occur only in Japan.)
Amsterdam- or you're f***ed.
- ARGH! -- That is a pirate, not a ninja. If the "ninja" just made that noise, click here for advice - QUICKLY!
- Here's your pizza, dude. - Answer the door and pay for your pizza. Unless you were just ABOUT to order, in which case it is obviously a temporal ninja. The correct course of action here is to pay a double tip for the pizza (or else you're f***ed).
- Ho ho ho! - This ninja (disguised as Santa Claus) will be coming in your house, go down the chimney and dceliver your presents in 10 secods. Stay asleep, act like nothing happened and don't creep downstairs to spy on him or you're f***ed (which means he'll throw hot deadly coals at you).
- Cowabunga -- This ninja will choke you to death with pizza and nostalgic Saturday morning cartoons.
- see main article Types of Ninja
- see main article Ninja Skills
- see main article Facts about Ninji
- see main article Ninja Laws
It would be useless to list all the weapons of the ninja here, because there are too many, and ninji can be incredibly creative with weapons. It doesn't matter what it is a ninja could kill you with a toothpick if he/she wanted to.
Path of the Ninja
- see main article The Path of the Ninja
Ninji in Hip Hop
In the late 1980's a group of African American ninji known as the "Wu-Tang Clan" straight from the slums of Shaolin, banished from the dojo appeared to take on the rap industry. These ninji differed from others where as they did not wield a katana but mainly shanks and pistols. Unlike normal ninji they did not hide in shadows or in your cereal boxes, but were quite up-front with flipping out and mutilating one's face. After taking a break from the hip hop scene they went into the sewers were they found their new mentor "Master Splinter". Over a period of time, eating awsome amounts of pizza, they slowly began to turn into turtles who mistook each other for Famous Italian Painters. Returning to their roots as rappers they began to catch beef with a local rapper the "Shredder". The Shredder was also a ninja who was once thwarted in a a rap battle by entrepreneur/hip hop veteran "the Green Ranger" forcing the Shredder to return to Staten Island. The Wu-Tang Clan, aka The Ninja Turtles, continue to battle the Shredder to this day.
As a group which has spanned the last few hundred centuries, much has been written about the secretive ninja. Some additional resources are:
- Ninja Info Cards
- The 10 general commandments of all humanity
- Acute Ninja Syndrome
- Ninja Gaijin
- Ninja Insurance
- Ninja Management
- Pirates versus Ninji
- National Ninja Association
- Types of Ninja
- Ninja Pirate Island
- Ninja Gerbils
- List of Real Life Ninjas