Mr. Peanut

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Nut 21

Mr. Peanut before he was cut from his role in Return of the Jedi

Mr. Peanut is... well, a peanut. He also goes by the name of DJ P-Salty and, for a brief time during the late 1970s served as President of the United States under his legal name Jimmy Earl Carter. He grew up in the Southern United States where crackers cracked at him and sadistically poked his nuts for fun. Others did it for good luck and to get him to come out of his shell.

“He stole my image!”
~ The Planters Peanut on Jimmy Carter
“Worst President Ever”
~ Comic Book Guy on Jimmy Carter
“In Soviet Union, Jimmy Carter thinks YOU are the worst president ever”
~ Russian Reversal on Jimmy Carter
“I got shot because Jimmy Carter wouldn't let me have oil!?”
~ Many, many Americans on The Jimmy Carter Era of U.S. History
“He may be old, but damn would i love to have a piece of him”
~ Janeane Garofalo on Jimmy Carter

The Early Years

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Jimmy Carter beating a poor and defenseless bunny to death with an oar.

Growing up in cosmopolitan Atlanta, Mr. Peanut attended the University of the South, where he was a wight shelled rapper. He, however, was terrible. At his first underground rap battle in some brokedown ghetto region in some wannabe city who thinks its Los Angeles, he rapped like Adam Copeland(known by most as the Rated R Superstar Edge) and was booed off stage. He also beaten with a taco shell with a sausage in it by some wannabe rapper after the show. While recovering in therapy after his terrible sausage-taco beating incident, he sold his soul to the Devil, who is actually Michael Moore to become ,"Talk black with a mic good!"(Side Note: That's what rap is!) He released his first record in the back of a "Snap Crack N Salty" delivery truck. The album "White Shell RED Nuts" went double platinum in '71. He is regarded as the founder of rap and also is regarded as the reason for its rise. Mr. Peanut became a money icon rivaling the Monopoly Man. However, he eventually outlasted Monopoly Man. After an interview, where Monopoly Man said that Mr. Peanut was a piece of crap and will never make it big and make something useful of his life, Monopoly Man was found dead on his living room couch with a cane stabbed through his stomach, with a broken monocle stabbed through his eye. This is regarded today as the cause of his death, even though there was a throwing star in his neck. Also, a message in his blood was found on the wall saying,"DJ-Salty Did This, All U Hatas U Stop Hatan! P.S. Mister Peanut did this!" To this day, no one knows who killed Monopoly Man, but Matt and Jeff Hardy The Hardy Boyz are on the case. Charlie Brown and Snoopy are blamed for his murder. Anyway, back on track, this made Mr. Peanut successful and helped get him nominated for the Democratic Party candidate for the office of President of the United States and made him, in his words,"Livin' Large BITCHES! HA AH AH AH HA A!!! Now get the hell out so I can smoke some crack!!!"

Presidency

Mr. Peanut won the election. He went into office with his birthname Jimmy Carter.

He went down in history as the worst president EVER!!! Even thou he wasn't and Reaganites propetuated the idea that he was.If you paid attention to the economy in the long run,you would see that Reagan was only eclipsed by the Monachist rule of King George Bush. He was very bad, mostly because of the fact that he worked very diligently to undermine America by feverishly attempting to do what was right.

He helped Iran capture U.S. Marines and they were held hostage. He also dissed the Shah, which in turn caused many wars in the Middle East against the U. S. and Israel. He later won a Nobel Prize for the wars, which he shared with Yakity Arabfat. He was a "Born Again Christian" who loved Sons of Satan and Bastards of Satan in the way he was "Christ-like".

He assure America was great again: "Malaise" and "the loss of America's spirit" are his memorable speeches. We would quote them but, unfortunately, we have forgotten how they went.

He forced Panama to take back the Panama Canal.

He gave us the wonderfullness of Zimbabwe.

Stagflation and interest rates of 20~% were his magic love potions for America.

And then... and then, he gave us the National Speed Limit (remember, the double-nickel = 55 mph!)

Then, he was just about to sign the United States of America over to Russia, but Ronald Reagan overthrew him before this came a reality. Despite this, his rap career grew even stronger than ever.

However, what was worse is that he didn't follow the moral values of true patriots. This included the fact that he supported abortion, gun regulation and a separation between church and state.

As a southern white man (and a Democrat) he put an end to segregation as we know it, the Deep South remains upset about this (and the whole losing the Civil war and Confederacy thing).

And best of all, he was the first president to welcome in Mexicans or Latinos illegally crossing the border. He started the trend and it never stopped ever since. !Gracias El Preisidente Carter por la gran immigracion illegal Mexicano!

Mr. Peanut in Concert

Mr. Peanut was putting out a great performance but as he went off stage he was attacked by Colonel Sanders who was bombarding Mr. P with popcorn chicken and old biscuits with some gravy. Mr. P was taken to the hospital and had to undergo knee surgery and a kidney bean transplant. Mr. P also lost his bottom nut when it exploded from Col. Sander's cane. Mr. P slowly recovered and had to use a cane. As he was walking out of the hospital he was attacked by Giant Raisins weilding guitars, drumsticks, saxophones, and a harmonica. Mr. P's eye was poked out. That is why he has an eyeglass and a scar that looks like a thunderbolt on his forehead.

The Resistance

Mr. P and a west side gang of rap friends got together to form an ultimate rap gang clan called G-Nutz. The gang consited of majority of food related foods like Little Debbie, Ice Cubette, Baguette, LL Cool Tomatoe, 50 Cent Peas, Cottage Please, Leaves lettuce an Asparagus, and Snoop in da pantry. But one of the members became an outcast and that was LL Cool tomatoe, who called himself G-Nots to be funny. G-Nutz eventually became the name of their elite. Mister Peanut eventually saw in the mid '80s that patriotism was on the rise. He being an anti-American and pro-communist expanded and started The Resistance to try to rebel against what he called,"the corruption of the U.S. and its government." From 1986 to 1989 it had a major following and raked in millions of millions of millions of dollars, controlling all of Hollywood. It eventually began to go on the decline. Then in 1989 it was only popular with the spoiled rich brats in the New England states, the ghetto ratz of Los Angeles, and the hippies remaining in San Francisco. Despite this lack of support it continued through til '91. It finally fell on June 17, 1991. LL Cool Tomatoe dropped out of the organization a month earlier due to the constant isolation. He informed such famous rock n' rollers as Iron Maiden, Guns N' Roses, The Who, Kiss, AC/DC, Black Sabbath, The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Saxon, and more famous rock n' rollers of their location. They banded together and formed The Rockin' Alliance and invaded The Resistance headquarters in Los Angeles. After the attack, The Resistance and G-Nutz finally fell. The Rockin' Alliance only sped up the fall. Many say G-Nutz and with it The Resistance would have fallen on its own due to the continuing lack of support and personal differences and disputes within G-Nutz. The biggest one was why did the group have to be called G-Nutz. The whole story is told in the DVD The Rise and Fall of The Resistance.

Peanutzilla

The power of too great for Mr. Peanut to handle.

Senility And Decline

In his late years he began to find himself in absurd political situations and more predictable aging problems such as peanut butter consistency diarrhea. This led some to believe that he might be Hilary Clinton behind the peanut suit. He finally hit the bottom of the nut-product barrel when he let the claim that all republicans are racist dribble out of his hoary head. It is still unclear if he did this to take attention off of Obama's failing health care reform and legitimately likes the brother or if he felt Obama was usurping his position as most ineffective emotionally elected figurehead ever.

Death

Mr. P was found dead in the garbage on the morning of March 32, 2008- Not much is known of how it happened, but it is suspected that his life partner, George Washington Carver is the murderer because he was found with peanut butter shoved down his throat and up his bung hole.

Dj P-Saltyz Hit Songs

  • "Roling on 20s"
  • "Let the shells hit floor Let the shells hit the floor"
  • "The Rising Cane"
  • "Big shell Big Ego" - you do the geometry
  • "O where O where did my liitle nuts go"
  • "It's Salty not hairy"
  • "The Pain Cane"
  • "uhoh the shell broke!?"
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