Mozilla Firefox

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Revision as of 16:50, May 5, 2007

Bouncywikilogo2
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Mozilla Firefox.
Firefox Logo Those using Firefox's services may make her more Uncyclopedia friendly if they like.
Firefox thunderbird

On the surface, Firefox and Thunderbird may appear to be merely a couple of fancily clad computer nerds...

FireFoxxy

...but the truth is far more sinister.

“In Soviet Russia, Mozilla Firefox keeps tabs on you!”
~ Russian Reversal on Mozilla Firefox

Mozilla Firefox (native tongue: モジラ ファイヤーフォックス Mojirra Faia-fokkusu) is a famous magical girl of the 21st century, seen by many Europeans (even though she's technically a United Statesian) as the Western answer to Japan's infamous "Project Sailor Moon".

Firefox's goal is to reclaim a vital artifact lost for humanity a hundred generations ago in Browser Wars: the Interweb, a huge web embedded in the surface and atmosphere of the planet Earth. Her archenemy is the Interweb Exploder, a giant monster that repeatedly tries to blow up the Interweb, without much success, and zombifies people that connect their computers to it. Both Firefox and the Exploder are web browsers: their duty is to patrol controlled areas of the Interweb and fight minor saboteurs and wreckers.

As a true superhero, Firefox has a sidekick: her younger sister, Mozilla Thunderbird. The relationship between the two is not an easy one, as Thunderbird envies Firefox for her coolness and popularity and Firefox envies Thunderbird for her ability to fly, but nevertheless they are good friends. Thunderbird works as Firefox's mail agent, reading letters asking her for help, as well as delivering Firefox's letters to her fanboys to the nearest post office. Although Firefox rarely replies to these fanboys, as she's too busy saving the world, and who likes fanboys, anyway?

Biography

FirefoxKo

Who could resist that...face?

Mozilla Phoenix, the elder sister of Mozilla Minotaur, was a rather average high school girl until a shocking event changed her life completely: her father Netscape, founder of the now-defunct Netscape Navigations Corporation, was fired by AOL, Inc. (where Inc stands for Interweb Nuking Company; it was the title AOL earned for destroying ICQ). This layoff caused Phoenix's mother Mozilla Suite to suffer a lethal heart attack. (In recent episodes, Suite returns in seafaring form.)

This left Minotaur with the company, while Phoenix did odd jobs to support him. The jobs she took were quite average for a 17 year old, one time she created a controlled forest fire for the government. However, this did not last long as Minotaur died in his first battle with his competition. As Phoenix held him dying in her arms, he uttered his last words: "Go to the Temple of Gecko and..." His autopsy confirmed that he was diagnosed with lack of sales.

Phoenix went to the mountains to find the secretive League of Gecko. Here she found out that she actually had a sister, who was raised by Southern Gospel Monks who taught her in the ways of spreading good news. Her sister, who was also Minotaur's twin, took Phoenix to the sacred Temple of Gecko, where the magic rewarded her with a pair of wings to fly around the world, spreading the word. Phoenix was also given wings and enhanced fire powers, dubbed as Firebird.

In 1946, Pontiac attempted to hire Firebird to promote the "Pontiac Firebird GT-R", due to a stylized phoenix on the hood of the car. Firebird, enraged by this attempt at advertisement, proceeded to call in magical artillery fire, destroying the Pontiac factory.

After this event, Firebird realized that there were too many phoenixes/firebirds in the world, and she wanted to be something cooler. So she returned to the temple a second time and was transformed into Firefox, a human-fox hybrid. She no longer has her ability to fly, yet this this made her arguably hotter than her sister.

Unemployed, Firefox and Thunderbird (as they were now called) took over the Mozilla Foundation, a company disguised as a fundraising campaign for orphans. The original founder Maozilla was de-digivolved to his lowest form after being defeated in a battle against his archival Godzilla, thus making him too young to officially maintain the corporation. Furthermore, the sisters swore to protect the Interweb from corporations aiming to destroy or subdue it.

Later, the Mozilla Foundation created a subsidiary, the Mozilla Corporation, resulting in a two-part organization now known as Mozilla Enterprises.

Link With al Qaeda

On March 8th, 2007, President Bush revealed evidence obtained from PATRIOT Act wiretaps proving[citation needed] that Firefox has been in league with al Qaeda since 2005. As a result, Firefox is no longer allowed in the United States and American operatives can imprison anyone in the world who might have contacted her. Firefox has been on the run ever since. Microsoft won a no-bid contract to capture her, but the resultant high-speed chases end with Microsoft's agents (called "Explorers™") crashing; in fact, President Bush's announcement has enabled Firefox to fight Microsoft with far more efficiency than before.

Alter ego

In normal life, Firefox is disguised under the identity of Lucid Fox, CEO of the Mozilla Corporation. The corporation is nominally presided by the alter ego of Thunderbird, Mitchell Baker, an allegedly crazy millionaire who anonymously bought the old Foundation from AOL through a variety of small charity funds.

Upon its formation, most of the Foundation's research and development was transferred to the Mozilla Corporation. It maintains its revenue by selling a proprietary Interweb application or two, but ONLY Firefox and Thunderbird know what is the company's actual business.

Arsenal

Firefox

Mozilla Firefox battles Mario in her fox form.

Mozilla Firefox only has five special abilities, none of which are useful for the average superhero.

  • Her tail, when it's not hidden, is capable of burninating everything it touches.
  • In case of an alien attack on Earth (or a passer-by asking "Who's that?" or "Tell me about yourself, pretty") Firefox can grow twice as large as Earth to wrap the planet with her tail and incinerate incoming Death Stars. However she cannot stay in this mode too long, needing to breathe.
  • Firefox can change skins, transforming into, naturally, a fox with fiery skin, or instantly changing her outfit with one summoned from Mozilla Enterprises (see below).
  • Her suit from Mozilla Enterprises not only helps her channel her fire powers, it also adjusts to any change in situations such as her changes in size or changes of skins.
  • The "Spread Firefox" ability (see below).
File:FireClone.png

Aside from these, Firefox's fighting abilities are those of a normal human of her age, debunking any myths that she is a zoanthrope. What makes her unique, however, is excessive usage of gadgets called extensions, ranging from trivial to indescribably complex.

Firefox also has a habit of leaving a custom dart at places she visits. The dart has text on it, usually something like this:

Mozilla/5.0 (Insert OS Here; U; Insert OS Ver. Here; en-US; rv:1.8.1.3)* Gecko/20070309 Firefox/2.0.0.3

* This part has been censored to avoid Windows-Linux flamewars

Extensions

Pageinfirefox

Mozilla Firefox has been known to very carefully approach W3C orders and guidelines. This page is rendered in strict conformance to the latest HTML 5.0 RC2 standard.

Firefox's fighting style involves the usage of a variety of so-called extensions - high-tech devices developed at the Mozilla Corporation. Usually the development process is carried out by Firefox's fanboys, then the blueprints are submitted to the Mozilla Corporation and the fanboys undergo a memory wipe.

At most times, Firefox doesn't carry all of the extensions with her. She appears as an unassuming fox-girl in modest clothes and summons the extensions, kept in a secret (SSL-protected) Mozilla warehouse as needed. To activate an extension, Firefox yells "Go go extension (name)!", and it is teleported to her disposal.

Common extensions used by Firefox include:

  • A comlink for contacting the Mozilla headquarters, made in the style of a palantir disguised as a globe.
  • Adblock, a pair of goggles that make all surrounding advertising placards and banners invisible, allowing Firefox to see through them. Ironically, this feature is ad-supported.
  • IE Tab, a cloaking device which disguises Firefox as the Interweb Exploder and emulates all its quirks and inconsistencies.
  • Fasterfox, a speed-up accessory that lets her arrive on websites before she even decides to actually go there.
  • DOM Inspector, a handy tool that gives her the ability to detect dirty old men from the thousands of fanboys she has and blast them before they could get anywhere near her.
  • CrashZilla, a remote control device for dropping anvils on people chatting nearby (or asking Peer to shoot them).
  • A PDA for communicating with Wikipe-tan - used by Firefox when she meets an unknown monster to query Wikipe-tan (and occasionally her boyfriend, Google-kun) for information about its vulnerabilities.

And many more. The complete list of Firefox extensions is strictly classified, although Uncyclopedia has recently managed to get hold of Mozilla Corporation's official list of worst 100 extensions, created by none other than Firefox herself.

Spread Firefox

The "Spread Firefox" special ability is triggered by Firefox with the help of fanboys. To ensure that Firefox succeeds in casting it, fanboys need to endlessly prove to non-fanboys that Firefox is much cooler than her rivals and that they really should ask her for an autograph. With such support, Firefox can create copies of herself. When the copies (who are usually busy painting "GET FIREFOX!!!" on nearby walls, which explains why so many things are out to get Firefox) are no longer required, she gets rid of them by yelling the magic phrase: "Version update!" As a side effect, it temporarily disables her ability to summon extensions.

Typical fanboyism of Firefox includes the loss of gramma and ability to type using proper spelling .

The typical words of a FireFox fanboy - "i liek FF it pwnz Ie, ti haz no ActivX so its way BETTer, Ie sux!!!!!!!!!, SWTCH TO FF!!!!!1111!!1!1!!!!!1"

Enemies

As a magical girl, Mozilla Firefox often encounters plentiful villains bearing grand schemes to take over the world. For some reason, all of them seem to think that the first step necessary to take over the world is to get rid of Firefox. Should she meet them, she fights and always wins, because... well, because magical girls always win (much to the misfortune of mad scientists and iron-fisted generals). Firefox's reported invulnerability to all kinds of attacks (recently questioned by Professor Secunia Dotcom) may also have something to do with it.

MS site IE7 FF 2

A Firefox reconnaissance photograph of Microsoft's territory (left) compared with a surveillance photograph of the same territory taken by Microsoft (right).

Mozilla Firefox error

One of the messages Firefox got before her battle with the Exploder.

Microsoft

Ieburn

Microsoft's Internet Exploder after being defeated by Mozilla Firefox.

At first, the Microsoft Widow-making Corporation didn't care much about Firefox, as long as she was blocked from viewing its own website. However, as Firefox quickly gained popularity in both the magical girl fandom and the furry fandom, Microsoft came to be concerned. Firefox proved to be faster and more agile than the bloated Exploder, and easily overcame it by using her "tabbed browsing" feature, which means that Firefox keeps locations of her hidden stashes in an address book with tabs, for easy access.

Microsoft was so annoyed that Steve Ballmer called Firefox a communist browser, probably due to her obsession with the color red. Some of Ballmer's followers even brought evidence for an actual conspiracy between Firefox and the Soviet regime, and Ballmer himself publicly swore to Fucking Kill™ her.

To accomplish this, Microsoft has begun transforming the Exploder into a cute little Prince Charming of ambiguous gender, incorporating many of Firefox's traits (except his clothing is blue, rather then red-orange), as well as giving him the special ability to disintegrate phishing poles. How exactly it will help him combat Firefox is not revealed.

KDE

The KDE Kommunity hates FirefoKs beKause she does not Konform to KDE's poliKy of addinK irritatinK features liKe rotatinK loKos and KonsuminK all resourKes she Kan find (it has been perKeived that FirefoKs eats very little*, even when she's a Kuest at a party). KDE's "Konqueror", a Spanish Konquistador who Kan transform into KonKui the draKon, sometimes harasses FirefoKs, but always fruitlessly.

It is also rumored that FirefoKs is KonspirinK with KDE's arKh-rival, the mysterious Knome, to remove the word "oK" from Korrect EnKlish. While FirefoKs uses it Kuite freKuently as of now, it is reportedly absent from all top-secret Mozilla doKuments KoverinK the "FirefoKs 2.0" rebrandinK projeKt.

*InterestinKly, this statement is disputed by many FirefoKs eKs-fanboys who have now turned to Operaman, KonKui or Safari. One of them even swears to the FlyinK SpaKhetti Monster that he has seen FirefoKs swallow a 1 KiKabyte memory Khip. Of Kourse, KonKui's appetite is not disKlosed.

Captainobvious1

Operaman showing off.

Operaman

Operaman is a browser with the third largest fanbase, after the Exploder and Firefox. His dream is to have the second largest fanbase, after Firefox. To accomplish this, he sings the letter "O" in the most awkward ways possible, improvising entire operas and charming Exploder fanboys.

Operaman is physically faster and stronger, but without extensions like Firefox (think Spiderman vs Batman). This works in Firefox's advantage when the two collide, although this happens rarely, as both are busy fighting their way into the Exploder's domain.

Nonetheless, Operaman has made it crystal clear that he will not stop until the fat lady sings.

Operaman's latest achievement as a superhero was the invasion of the Mozilla Foundation's "Codename Addons" (not-so-)top-secret warehouse, in an attempt to prove that he was born with all the superpowers that Firefox acquires on demand through these pesky extensions. Naturally, he failed.

AOL

Having their own browser, specializing in artificially lowering Interweb users' IQ in a futile attempt to destroy the Interweb itself doesn't stop AOL from growing crappy Firefox clones out of DNA acquired from her hair. Nobody cares, as they are obviously incapable of doing anything. However, they can make Firefox laugh to near-death when they fumble around for appropriate 'keywords' in the middle of battle. Not that they can use it to their advantage, though.

Firefox-DVDcoverart

Quoth Clint: "I hate you, Mozilla. And my suit is way cooler than yours."

Godzilla

The titan from the coast of Japan has many reasons to fight Firefox. First of all, she works for Godzilla's archrival, Maozilla. After Firefox grew twice the size of the Earth, Godzilla got extremely ticked off. He could not believe that she beat his record of being the biggest furry ever! So Godzilla challenged her to a duel.

Of course, Firefox declined. Dealing with Radioactive Bad Breath and Turds would not impress her peers at all. However, so-called-experts actually believe that, should such a fight happen, Firefox would easily win.

Clint Eastwood

Clint Eastwood believes that Mozilla Firefox is lynching away his popularity, dating back to the year 442, where the then-145 year old Eastwood was shooting his semi-autobiographical, super-cool, awesome, butt-kicker, Oscar winning, crossover breakout flick, incidentally named "Firefox". Eastwood is seen now in certain bars around his hometown of Dodge City with a fairly large gun in his front pocket, mumbling about when and where he wants to fight Mozilla Firefox for the title of supreme champion of the universe. However, the 1,709 year old Eastwood has shown signs of sluggishness in these oh-so-recent years, but he can still "toot like a bean-eater out of Flin Flon", according to himself.

So far, Mozilla Firefox has not accepted Mighty Clint's challenge, but when it does, it is sure to take place in the next Ultimate Showdown. Tickets will be on sale at your local box office, or by calling Ticketmaster, and, contrary to popular belief, it will be under Don King promotions... live to air, exclusively on Squigglevision.

Safari

Although this mysterious programmer organization is one of the newest enemies of Firefox, they already have proven themselves to be a powerful enemy in the fight for the internets. Bearing a massive flag adorned with a black compass superimposed over the Star of Chaos, this enemy tends to strike with an evil empire-type army of tanks and flying battleships. However, Firefox's adaptability is just enough to overcome Safari's army (plus the fact that Safari sometimes screws up when it comes to Java). It is a well-known fact that Firefox and Safari are currently fighting over the Google Toolbar, a powerful relic created long ago by Cthulhu.

General Brush Ed Metal of the Safari legion is purportedly working on an oversized animal trap to stop Firefox, though it has not been tested yet.

Iceweasel

An alternate universe version of Firefox that was formed after that universe's Firefox was exposed to Debianite for a long time. She has manifested herself in our universe in recent episodes and has a body with an icy tail instead of fire. It's unknown whether she will fight alongside of Firefox, or will form an alliance of her own.

Future

GMF

You have no choice but to click on this installer link. What? You really thought you had a choice?

Firefox is expected to totally dominate the Interweb by 2008 (see the chart). After that, she will probably retire, having accomplished her primary mission, and live a quiet family life, probably married to half-beaten Prince Exploder, Pride and Prejudice style. Peace, harmony and W3C directive compliance will enter the Interweb, and the horrors of the Browser Wars will only remain where they should have been in the first place; in a thick book entitled "How not to attempt to conquer the world".

Browser-share

A prediction of changes in browser fanboy base that, according to Dr. Emmett Brown, are pretty accurate. Great Scott, this is heavy!

Of course, Firefox is prone to the corruption of the dark side, like you and me, and there's no guarantee she will always remain good-meaning, responsive and fast. However, this is less likely than the explosion of the nuclear plant near your home, if you don't live next to one. Because... well, because magical furry girls are all cute and pretty and can never go evil. It would just spoil the fun.

So, please befriend Firef ... no, that's advertising; I cannot do that. Darn. I fail.

See also

VTE The cornerstones of the Internets
Internet | Internets | World Wide Web
Browsers Internet Explorer | Safari | Konqueror | Maozilla | Mozilla Firefox | Google Chrome
Languages Perl | PHP | Java | JavaScript | Internet-speak
Formats Image file formats (LIM PNG SVG) | HTML | SGML
Consortiums W3C


Unix
Debian | Fedora | Gentoo | Lindows | Red Hat | Rinux | Segfault | Slackware | SteamOS | Ubuntu | Uncyclux | Xandros | Xubuntu
BSD - FreeBSD | NetBSD | NetBDSM | OpenBSD
Darwin - OSX | Tiger Linux - Arch | Only For MacSolaris
Applications and Documentation
Vi | Emacs | Firefox | GIMP | GNOME | GFDL | GPL | I18n | KDE | ls | man | man uncyclopedia | rm | FVWM | X Window System
People and Organizations
Free Sockpuppet Foundation | GNU | St. Ignucius | SCO | Richard M. Stalin | Linus Torvalds | Tux


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