An object that could only be concieved by the cruelest minds in the deepest pits of Hell, most undoutably concieved by such abhorrid demon philosophers as Heinrich Himmler, Jack the Ripper, and Ron Popeil, in a fashion that Lucifer's own damned, radiating evilness served as a rudementary template of unholy culinary design, the microwave is an ingenious yet simple device used to burn food around the edges, turn bacon into rubber, make biscuits into hockey pucks, heat water, create civil unrest in African countries, stale a newly opened can of Guinness, cancel your favorite tv sitcom, excommunicate the Pope, and explode hamsters by zapping them with pure rays of concentrated evil. Rays of concentrated evil cause atoms to become angry, thus raising their temperatures.
This works in exactly the opposite way that a refrigerator works, which uses concentrated good to cool and calm food. Modern microwaves often have built-in rotational devices in order to spread the evil more evenly. Modelled after the Easy Bake Oven, the microwave is now the simplest way to utilize evil. In the past applying evil was dangerous and unreliable due to the unpredictable nature of evil, while refigerators have been in use since the stone age.
The Microwave Oven was originally invented in 1954 by Milton Bradley for the US Pentagon as a weapon of mass destruction due to it's cancer causing capacity, but was later repackaged as a cooking device. To date the microwave is the fourth most popular carcinogen after nutra sweet, underarm deodorant, and television.
Microwave Oven 0.8 Beta was first released to the public in 1960. This application was particularly bulky, and tended to cause a general protection fault when cooking unendangered species, which precluded it from being embraced by the mainstream market. Even so, it was followed by the first full release, Microwave Oven 1.0, in early 1961. Of note, this earliest version was plagued by manufacturing problems which allowed some of the generated evil to escape the containment device. After it was discovered that Microwave Oven 1.0 played a major part in the Bay of Pigs incident, a patch was quickly released. It is suspected that Bill Gates may have come into contact with an unpatched version of Microwave Oven 1.0 during a first grade class trip.
Microwave Oven 2.0 was brought to market in 1980, this time at a price point which allowed American consumers to bring the wonders of evil generation into their own homes. Although version 2.0 contained the generated evil much more completely than version 1.0, some evil still escaped into the environment. The large number of Microwave Oven 2.0s which were put into service during the 1980s certainly played a part in the spike in gasoline prices, the increase in the national debt and budget deficits, and the massive build-up of weapons by the United States.
In 1998, Microwave Oven 3.0 was clandestinely developed by the Pentagon. Version 3.0 was provided exclusively to the GOP, free of charge. George W. Bush completed construction of a Microwave Oven 3.0 sleeping chamber inside the bunker under his ranch in Crawford, Texas, in 1999. On the Democratic side of the aisle, Al Gore was known to keep a Convection/Toaster Oven v2 in his sauna; clearly this had little effect against the evil power of Microwave Oven 3.0.
Unnamed sources inside the administration have leaked classified information which indicates that Vice President Dick Cheney's "pacemaker" is actually a tiny Microwave Oven 3.0, and that Donald Rumsfeld is, in fact, a robot whose core technology is driven by Microwave Oven 3.5 beta.
The microwave can quickly become an explosive device due to it's connection with the Pentagon. Use extreme caution when reheating Peeps, hardboiled eggs, hamsters, and chicken mcnuggets.
- Some items contain naturally occurring metals such as salt (sodium), aluminum foil, Orcs, and spoons and forks. These can create massive sparks if they're in the path of beams of evil.
- Compact discs are particularly sensitive and will explode, releasing vast amounts of evil if microwaved.
- One must also take care when microwaving potatoes or food items stored in plastic bags. The skin of the potato or the plastic bag must be punctured prior to microwaving. The purpose of this is to let the excess potassium out. If this is not done the item may explode leaving mashed potatoes splattered all over the inside of the microwave.
- Kittens and puppies are sources of pure love and therefore can withstand enormous amounts of microwaving. However, prolonged use of a microwave in order to exhaust the animal's supply of love will mean that the microwave may overheat, possibly imploding into a small black hole right in your kitchen.
Microwave Ovens and the Urban Ecosystem
Due to leaks in microwave ovens and their widespread use, evil is being released at an alarming rate in urban areas. People in these dense urban areas are bombarded by exponentially more evil than those in rural areas. This has led to an increase in crime among the poor, who use microwave ovens more often than the rich, due to the abundance and low cost of evil.
Some social health activists have been advocating the widespread use of tinfoil hats in dense urban areas where evil is most prominent, though religious leaders are opposed to this because it also keeps good from entering the body. Doctors and Scientists are divided on the issue of effectiveness of tinfoil hats in the control of the spread of evil.
For the sake of satire, comedy, wit, The Ha! Ha! Quaker, Kitten Huffers, and Sophia, this piece of Uncyclopedian literature, has undergone substantial and pertinent Faulknerization in the first sentence, with the intention to cultivate a more apropos and salient reading experience for all Uncyclopedians who might be entreated to endeavor a viewing upon this entry when the fancy strikes and such an uncontrollable lust for content-free misinformation overwhelms the reader that only Sir Oscar Wilde himself, through his abundent and comprehensive acumen, and his quotings can satisfy the demon urge.