Michael Jackson

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For those without comedic tastes, the bastards at Wikipedia have an article about Michael Jackson.
“What do I like about 28 year olds? Well, there's 20 of them, silly! Tee hee!”
~ Michael Jackson on a large group of infants.
“Not black, not white, all pedophile.”
~ Quincy Jones on Behind the music: The Making of Thriller.
“I was one of Michael Jackson's biggest fans, I swear. The voice, the dance moves, the style. Then that creepy weirdo Michael Jackson had to step into the picture and ruin everything.”
~ That Guy on Michael Jackson
“Michael Jackson son of Mr and Mrs Jackson, not to be confused with Peter Jackson.”
~ Gandalf on Michael Jackson
“Oh yeah! Yeah! YEAH! Yeah! Yes! Yes! (continues)”
~ Michael Jackson on A child
Your next

Little boys will see me in their dreams!


Sir Reverend Michael "Molesto" Jackoff Jackson III or Stephen Marshall (of MySpace.com/skunkweed) as more commonly known, (DOB Virgo 7, {182 Anno Declaration}/{744 Anno Magna Carta}) was born on the cusp of Libra, and widely considered liable for the dawning of the age of Aquarius, grew up to become a pervert. His nose is the size of 20 acorns glued together. He is also known to run out on his lawn wearing nothing buck black dress socks. He is the mutated offspring of Eminem and Randy Bishop and was once widely regarded as a black man (now considered a myth and a good pick up line). He has been fighting The Jackson 5 for some time now. The winner of the fight will recieve a free Heavyweight title belt from Vince (Steroids") McMahonnning. Biblical scholars have been able to trace his lineage via ancestry.com to that of an ancient concubine who put her baby in a basket and sent it down the river. No, not Moses. (*See US Child Protection Services case #584958495849.)

In recent years his deviation derivation has come under intense scrutiny by the US Department of Health and Human Services. According to the 398-page report first edition, second printing, third volume, fourth chapter, fifth paragraph, sixth line and thirty-second word, this highly-revered government agency has come to the unanimous conclusion that Michael Jackson is a black man, poorly disguised in a white woman's body, much like Dennis Rodman is an alien, poorly disguised in a black man's body, as revealed by Men In Black. In his spare time, he sits on a pole in a garden at the Neverland compound in Idaho.Michael jackson fucked me in the ass. Some suspect he is a penguin. He is also currently the Chief of the Defence Forces of the Olympic Ping-Pong Stadium in Paramus, New Jersey.

Jackson is fond of childrenRen likes him, too — and, apart from having his own, he has had friendships with a number of other children, ranging from Chinese kids to South Africans.


Michael Jackson Ad 2014 if he keeps up with his surgical "improvements".

Michael Jackson and the Super Friends


It's all been a natural process. He has never had any sugery. At all. Never.

Michael M'lesto Jackson is also well known in the super-hero industry as "The Flirt". He flirts of teenage men at drive thrus at McDonalds and if he thinks that they are into him, he will go inside and lick them to see how they taste. He is mainly a stay-at-home Super Friend but sometimes he comes out to flirt explicitly with the villains. His powers are the powers of gender-confusion, the power of crotch-grabbing and falsetto. He saved the group once when he flirted with an evil doctor, who tried to kill Alyssa Milano (another of his team-mates), who became so disgusted that she committed suicide. Michael Jackson Raised David Gibson as his Protégé, he will soon commit the same offences as Jacko Himself as he has been will trained in the art of "Jesus juice"and other such child abducting activities. He has recently been reported for preforming witchcraft on children in new york square.



As you can see, Michael Jackson takes after Father Cody Brown.

Jackson grew up with what was known as Father Andre & The Jackson Five. Jackson always looked up to Father Andre, as he was a good man. It has been rumoured that Andre was an emo. Michael hit puberty at 21 years of age. He always stood out with the other kids. Usually this is a good thing for people from that era, but in this case it is very different. Andre got married to Rapunzel early in Jackson's childhood - he was about 46 at the time. After a few years, Rapunzel got cancer and had to go for chemotherapy. Jackson and Andre were devastated by this. After this incidents, Jackson went through a stage in his life where he could not find his centre, his soul, his being. He turned to Satan worship, and soon found his true self. Getting a sex change was not easy at that time, but Jackson agreed to sell his skin to Satan and become an evil fairy obsessed with little boys. Jackson was still a young woman at the age of 63, so (s)he started a band of her own - the MILF Band. This started the Dave Matthews Conspiracy. At age 65, Jackson was infected with a sex-changing elixir from The Fountain of Youth, and became a young white boy. He raped little boys in there sleep. He also like to throw cum-filled donuts at old ladies.

He knows his nose

Many ask how he picks his nose. Simple. Via a catalogue. HE SMELLS LIKE CHILDRENS NAPPIES. he likes to wipe nappies with poo in them all over his face.

Michael Jackson as Peter Pan

After Michael Jackson was transformed from a black man into a white boy, he changed his name to Peter Pan. As the boy who would never grow up, he headed and lived with the boy band The Lost Boys.

In an attempt to deal with his latent heterosexuality, he gave Mescaline to his sister Wendy (also known as preteen prostitute Minnie Rae) and brother John. Wendy, John and a fairy named Tinkerbell had a contest to see who could win Michael's favor. While Wendy serviced Peter as his wife and mother, the effort didn't work. Wendy left and formed the lesbian girl band WAD with Alice and Dorothy. The girl group's hit "Up the WADzoo," made with the pop group The Cowardly Lion, beat Peter, Mary Richards and Paul McCartney's kid's marijuana song "Puff the Magic Dragon." But WAD's hit "Shoot Your WAD" came in at number two to Peter's number one "Eat It." Ironically WAD, which changed its name to Lost Girls, had their own number one hit in 2006 with a cover of "Eat It."

Alleged* Rap(e) Career

  • Many people believe he didn't actually rap(e)s.

A movie starring Michael Jackson as Molestor "IRAPE" Jackson, he was considered perfect for this role, as he had so much experience in little boys and kidnapping (COMFIRMED rumors claim this is from his real-life story).

Michael Jackson announced way back in 2112 that he would become a rapper using the alias The Notorious C.H.I.L.D. B.O.I.N.G.E.R. He has, under this alias, been responsible for many incidents of gang violence, the setting on fire of Camden on Halloween, and the bombing of Camden on Christmas.

Sometimes Michael Likes it from behind ooooooooooooo yea' he screams as he takes it in the arse, michael has been known to eat willys as often as he can... "mmmmm willys" was his famous line from the early 90's.

It has also been proved that during the entire course of the Home Alone films the little boy was running from Michael Jackson all the time, not from those retarded turds who kept falling into obvious traps.

During this time, he allegedly fathered Orochimaru with the help of Lord Voldemort.

As for his infamous rape charges, many speculate that he was framed by Barney. Many think that Barney was wearing a Micheal Jackson costume while he dined and wined those kids. This is the reason why there is an ongoing arguement that Barney should be added to the lists of bastards, and not Micheal.


Michael, and his "son", at the zoo.

People Michael Jackson Has Been Scientifically Proven To Be Better Than


yeah only made of plastic

Chris Crocker? Is that you?

ya but you have to admit...its pretty funny

Summoning Him

1.) Draw a pentagram on the ground, in a child's tears.

2.) Sacrifice a male child between the ages of 3 and 8. Place the child (alive) on the pentagram with a teddy bear and a religous dildo.

3.) Moonwalk around the pentagram whilst singing "Billy Jean" in Latin: Billie Jean est non meus diligo Is est iustus a puella quisnam vindicatum ut Ego sum unus Tamen parvulus est non meus filius

4.) If successful, Michael Jackson will rise from Hell, proceed to rape the child, and then wreak havoc on other children.

Culinary Career

It is a relatively unknown fact that Mr. Jackson once created a delicious recipe. The Jackson Burger, while deceptively simple, requires the correct aging of ingredients to produce the perfect "mouthfeel." It consists of 40-year-old meat between 3 year old buns(considering his liking of "3 year old buns"). It is usually served alongside fries with cum sauce. (It is sold in the UK as the "Hot Cross Bun.")



Michael Jackson at one of his famed Christmas parties. He can't wait for all the naughty little boys to sit on his lap.

  • On any internet forum, he uses the User ID of "FriendlyPersonHEEhee".
  • He likes his beverages stirred, not shaken.
  • Is rumoured to have a tag on his back saying,"100% quality plastic."
  • Jackson owns Western tonality itself, with a music catalogue that includes publishing rights to songs by beat combo the Beatles, the Platonist singer Little Richard, jolly old Elvis Presley and others.
  • In a parallel universe, Michael Jackson is really Gerard Way.
  • Jackson was a poor, cute black boy who grew up to be a rich, ugly white woman.
  • Jackson would like to inform any children reading this article that he's your best friend.
  • Jackson bought the entire U-Boat catalogue and later used it to finance a failed moon shot.

Jackson (right) was known to bribe E.T. to let him visit Elliot.

  • Michael Jackson can extend folds of skin on his neck to make him appear larger than he actually is. This is an effective tool for scaring off predators.
  • Police searching his ranch at Neverland found traces of Class A drugs in the kitchen, Class B drugs in the bathroom and Class 2c in his bedroom.
  • Jackson was known to have engaged in certain "activities" along with a notoriously confused and hermaphroditic character, Kieran Stevens, who would regularly escort him on his outings to local Primary Schools in the area.
  • Michael Jackson used to be black; he has since been purple, green and colourless.
  • On a scale of one to awesome, Jackson has been rated "Downright hideous."
  • Jackson's recent face was scanned for the leading role of Link in Nintendo's Legend Of Zelda: The Wind Waker.
  • Despite appearances, Jackson is not a humanoid, fish or a space alien.
  • Michael Jackson is both male and female, or a hermaphrowhitey, which is why he can have children without having a wife or a girlfriend. (Lisa Marie is a hermaphrowhitey as well, and therefore doesn't count.)
  • Michael Jackson has revolutionised the way plastic surgery is being performed. He the first human being to receive a body bleach and a nose replant.
  • Michael Jackson is more dangerous to children than a plastic bag.
  • Michael Jackson bathes in squid cum at least four times every day.
  • Michael Jackson used to be a keen cub scout leader - he had to give it up in the end - he was getting through 2 packs a day.
  • Jackson regularly bathes in the blood of virgins to help keep his complexion creamy and supple.
  • Michael Jackson and Casper are forever being confused with each other. Always remember one is pale and scares kids the other is a "friendly" ghost. (But then again, what the HELL's the difference?!)
  • Michael Jackson is an alien. He was sent to replace the real Michael Jackson during that surgery. How else do you explain all his kids being white? That bleach didn't change his DNA...or did it?
  • Michael Jackson invented the moon walk, a great contribution to de nasa that helped Neil Armstrong to avoid dying when exploring the moon.
  • Michael Jackson's arch enemy is Chuck Noris.
  • Michael's first break in show business was the part of Higgins in Magnum.
  • Michael Jackson was the fifth child in his family of three.
  • Michael's second big break in show business was the part of Tubbs in Miami Vice.
  • Michael's third big break in show business was the part of Sonny Crocket in Miami Vice.
  • After the lengthy child bumming court case, which he has been acquitted, he has accepted the role of Miss Daisy in the stage play of Driving miss Daisy.
  • Michael is also the proud owner of a prestigious Guinness World Record for violating 283 kids in 10 minutes.
  • Michael's only fear (apart from the social services) is dancing milk. His other fear that we know of is the Sun. Why else would he have some six foot seven lacky shading him with an umbrella in broad daylight?
  • Michael Jackson had planned to release a feature length, 3-dimensional film extravaganza for children, featuring only himself in 3-D, but it was thought there would be too many jokes about him coming straight at little boys' faces.
  • He wears a glove because he lost his hand in a titanic duel with Darth Hitler on cloud city.
  • Michael Jackson's plastic surgeon is Prince. Prince had a mission to destroy Michael Jackson, and learned how to do surgery from some girl he slept with (see I Love U In Me lyrics). Only he botched Michael's surgery in hopes to destroy his breathing orafices. But somehow Michael is still hanging on with a nose that's been mostly removed.
  • He is known to have the best slumber parties.
  • Michael Jackson not only has Neverland for kids to play, but he also buy them toy lightsabers. He LOVES watching the boys play with their lightsabers...
  • Due to the immense amounts of plastic in his body, Miachael Jackson is bullet, knife, and ice-pick proof. He must be melted at 23,000 degrees F before any attempt on his life can be made.
  • Michael Jackson will be making a guest appearance on The Naked Brothers Band. He saw the title, then the little boys in the band, and just flipped.
  • Michael Jackson is like acne. Why? Because they both come all over your face when you're thirteen.
  • Janet Jackson is Michael Jackson's Jamie Lynn Spears. They are both dysfunctional and slutty.
  • Michael Jackson and Nintendo Wii's are very much alike. Why? They are both bright white and plastic. Also, little kids turn them on.


General Films

Movie11 Spoof

Michael Jackson's epic failure to lok cute...

Home alone

Michael Jackson in Home Alone: With Michael

  • A Da Vinci Code (Silas, the albino monk)
  • Bloodrayne (as a out of work pop singer)
  • Brokeback Mountain (as Mr. Brokeback)
  • Charlie Brown and the Candy Factory (as Johnny Depp)
  • Chitty Bang Chitty Bang (as the Child Catcher)
  • Diary of a Lunatic (as The Diary)
  • Grinch Night is Halloween (as Max)
  • Invasion of the Children Snatcher's (as The Alien)
  • Men In Black II (as Agent M)
  • Naruto (as Orochimaru)
  • Pee-wee's Little Adventure (as Pee-wee's bicycle)
  • Pokemon: Diamond and Pearl: Gigatitsna and the Bowed Gay of the Sky: GAYmin
  • Revenge of the Child Catcher (as the Child Catcher)
  • Scary Movie XXX (as Anna Faris)
  • The House of Nosferatu (as Barlow Kurt)
  • A Pedo Stole My Son (Co-starring Bruce Willis as the 8 year old, orphan child)
  • The House of the Revenge of the Return of the Son of the Bride of the Ghost of Frankenstein (as the Frankenstein Monster)
  • The Phantom of Some Opera (as the Phantom)
  • V/V: the Final Battle (as the leader of the Visitors [all shot scenes were cut from the finished films])
  • The Omen (as the omen)

The As Himself Films

  • Home Alone with Michael (as himself)
  • Michael Jackson IS The Wolf Man! (as himself and as The Wolf Man)
  • Michael Jackson Conquers the Martians (as himself)
  • Michael Jackson, Please Come Home! (as himself)
  • Michael Jackson, Please Go Home! (as himself)
  • Michael Jackson, Where Are You? (as himself)
  • What's New, Michael Jackson? (as himself)
  • MJ vs Shaq (as himself)
  • MJ vs Godzilla (himself)
  • MJ vs Black MJ (him as his white self, Samual L. Jackson in a fat suit for the black MJ)
  • MJ vs His Nose (himself)
  • MJ vs Mario vs Sonic vs MJ (again) vs Will Smith vs Jimmy vs Sammy vs Timmy little boy, wait what?
  • Fun with Michael Jackson (MJ as himself, the toddler has chosen to remain anonymous)

The Child Predators Films

  • Child Predators (as the Predator Child)
  • Village of the Child Predators (as another Predator Child)
  • Children of the Child Predators (as yet another Predator Child)
  • Return of the Child Predators (as still yet another Predator Child)
  • Revenge of the Child Predators (as still yet again another Predator Child)
  • Revenge of the Return of the Children of the Village of the Child Predators (as the last Predator Child)

The Piggy Films

  • Piggy Gets His (as the Mad Fattener)
  • Piggy Gets His 2: Piggy on the Toilet (as the Mad Fattener)
  • Piggy Got His (as the Mad Fattener)
  • The Next Piggy Gets Hers (as the Mad Fattener)

The Milking of the Mad Planet That Went Ape Films

  • The Mad Planet That Went Ape (as Dr. Zaydius, the orangutan)
  • Underneath The Mad Planet That Went Ape (as Dr. Zaydius, orangutan)
  • Escaping From The Mad Planet That Went Ape (as Dr. Hassled)
  • Conquering The Mad Planet That Went Ape (as Julius, the chimpanzee)
  • Battling For The Mad Planet That Went Ape (as Augustus, the chimpanzee)
  • The Prince Of The Mad Planet That Went Ape (as General Versus, the Gorilla)
  • The Warmonger Of The Mad Planet That Went Ape (as Tiberius, the orangutan)
  • The God Of The Mad Planet That Went Ape (as Caligula, the chimpanzee)
  • The King Of The Mad Planet That Went Ape (as Nero, the Gorilla)
  • The Master Mind Of The Mad Planet That Went Ape (as The Living Brain)
  • The Magician Of The Mad Planet That Went Ape (as Vitellius, The Magic Monkey)
  • The Chessmen Of The Mad Planet That Went Ape (as Vespasian, The High Priest)
  • The Hermit Of The Mad Planet That Went Ape (as The Hermit)
  • The Tower Of The Mad Planet That Went Ape (as The Hermit)
  • The Mad Planet That Went Ape Goes To Hell (as the Devil)
  • The Last And Final Chapter Of The Mad Planet That Went Ape (as the Doomsday Bomb)

The Adventures of Larry Grotter

  • Larry Grotter and the Sleepover Party (as Professor Snipe)
  • Larry Grotter and the Spiked Soft Drinks (as Professor Snipe)
  • Larry Grotter and Uncle Molester Fester (as Professor Snipe)
  • Larry Grotter and the Ender of Childhood (as Professor Snipe)
  • Larry Grotter and the Bringer of Adulthood (as Professor Snipe)
  • Larry Grotter and the Payer of Hush-money (as Professor Snipe)
  • Larry Grotter and the New Life in Dubai (as Professor Snipe)


  • Off Da Chain (1775) *May never have actually existed
  • Vulgar Display of Pedophilla (1778) *The only album people knew about; album name inspired by Pantera
  • Iraqi Oil iz 2 Bad (1785) *Was George Washington Carver's favorite music
  • Filler (1885) *Sold 100 Million Copies on Mars
  • HIStory of Modern Earth (1931 1/2) *First music to be released on High Distortion Laser DVD
  • Dark Side of the Moonwalk (1975)
  • Invisible (1991) *Makes my underwear tingle
  • Bucket of Shit - Unplugged (2003) * Performed without his trademark bucket
  • Number 2s (2003) *Has 2,000 of Jackson's best jazz operas

Jackson is currently working on a new album, to be released within the next million years. It is tentatively titled Little Minority Yum Yum (We all know it will be out sooner than Chinese Democracy.), although his agent claims that the official title is to be Sick (while the agent to the secretary of the agent of Michael Jackson's agent claims that the title should be Don't Say I Didn't Warn You).

Shocking info on the man himself

  • Shocking insights from our reporters indicate that Michael Jackson is indeed a secret agent in plastic disguise. They say his nose is a plastic explosive, and his disposable balls can be eaten (to help preserve life).
  • Michael Jackson's special abilities include, melt-to-a-puddle-via-large-amounts-of heat, and the ability to seduce little kiddies into a bed and converting them into secret "Michael" spies.

Medical History

Michael's numerous visits to plastic surgeons have resulted in 537 skin grafts, several nose transplants, and a set of miniature triangle shaped nostrils. As of this writing, plans are underway to reshape his fingertips into triangles as well as his elbows and toes. His "people" claim its for medical purposes but refuse to elaborate further.

Urban Myths

  • While at camp, it's best to pee in the bushes for the fear of Chuck Norris and his BB gun Micheal Jackson possibly hiding in the corner of the men's room. He's not seen at day because as we all know, he has some relation to Nosefaratu Mothman IF you hear a suspicious high-pitched sing through those woods, be sure to lock your doors and place charge your iPods for the night. Everyone knows that Enya beats Micheal Jackson.

  • Michael Jackson does not come out in the daytime, so lock your doors and windows tight at night Lock yourself in your basement with an AK-47 and lots of food at night.

"Billie Jean" remix

Some random saint jackass remixed Wacko Jacko's song "Billie Jean" in 2045. Here is a sample from the single.

Billy Jenkins ain't my lover (oww!)
He's just a kid I met straigt off of the street
Cause I needed to beat a young boy's meat.
And he says I am the one
Who tickled him and made him cum.
Hee hee hee, hee hee hee!

See Also

   v  d  e
The Jacksons

Andrew Jackson | Bo Jackson | Jackson Pollock | Jacksonville | Janet Jackson | Michael Jackson | Randy Jackson | Samuel L. Jackson | Stonewall Jackson | The Jackson 5 | Who The Fuck Is Jackson Pollock?


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