Marriage

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Marriage.

“Marriage is an institution. It is a mental institution; you can have my wife.”
~ Oscar Wilde on marriage

“Sometimes the fuckin you're gettin ain't worth the fuckin you're gettin.”
~ Whiskey Tom on marriage
“It's a trap!”
~ Admiral Ackbar on marriage
“There is almost no marital problem that can't be helped enormously by taking off your clothes.”
~ Garrison Keillor on marriage
“The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception absolutely necessary for both parties.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Marriage
“What are you kidding? They're my best friends, thats why I married you so I wouldn't have them anymore.”
~ Space Ghost on Marriage
“Everything gets married, even animals and spiders. Just because they don't have cakes and suites and wedding parties and expensive rings, doesn't mean that they're not legally *ahem* ...married.......common FIGHT ME! ”
~ Space Ghost on marriage
Married

International sign for marriage

Marriage is a compound word combining "mar" and "I rage". It is not a word, but a sentence. It 's also a synonym of torture.

It happens when you have exhausted all other mating possibilities and is mourned at an event called a wedding.

In some cultures, it is considered the biggest leap of faith a grown moron can make.

In some other cultures, it is downright prohibited. It is strongly supported by no one in general as it is seen as a way to "Lock" a person into a relationship before the skin starts to sag.

Marriage proposal

How to properly make a marriage proposal.

In most western countries, this unholy covenant is encouraged due to the mistaken belief it allows for the raising of children with the male ending up paying for the support of the child as opposed to the government or church that encouraged the marriage in the first place. However, the top members of both organizations are exempt from marriage. The priest remains childless while the corporate and governmental officials make enough money to afford extramarital affairs. Its other benefit to society mostly include keeping divorce lawyers well paid.

It is also a popular excuse for poor women to dress up pretty and pretend to be princesses. It has been known to make poor women actually become rich by marrying themselves to wealthy old men.

DramaticQuestionMark
Did you know...
The leading cause for divorce worldwide, is marriage?

The "lavish wedding" option also includes a ride to the ceremony in the Cinderella coach, costumed trumpeters heralding the couple's arrival, and attendance by Mickey and Minnie Mouse characters dressed in formal attire.

Were it not for marriage, the process of discovering faults in a partner would be much more time-consuming. However, in a marriage this takes only about as long as it takes to have a couple of kids and get stuck with the other person.

Despite all these problems, there are four recorded instances of marriages that actually worked out. However, they all took place in Varpnarplia, a magical, mystical kingdom filled with marshmallow fields, lemonade skies, and talking unicorns that inject dreams into your nervous system while you sleep with their razor-sharp horns. Marriage is also an important part of the immigration process.


Screwit

You're screwed!

Reasons for marriage

Why get married? This depends on the couple's social class.

  • Upper class: People get married for money.
Happy couple young

Happy Middle-Class Couple in love

  • Working class: Because the girl got pregnant, or "knocked up".
  • Unemployed: Because they can get more dole money.
  • Everyone else: Because men have nothing better to do but to listen to their wives ramble on about about all the things they've ever done wrong in life, and women have nothing better to do than spend their husband's money on another pair of shoes they won't wear.

Unusual spouses

It is quite possible to get married to a non-human spouse. Here is a list of them!

  • Hangman's wife. When a man is about to get hung, apparently there is a reprieve if the hangman's wife takes pity on the criminal. This works only if the hangman is ugly, criminal stunningly handsome, a divorce is pending, or its a film being shot.
  • Hangman, if the condemned is a beautiful woman, or man if hangman is gay.
  • Jesus. Jesus loves you! Frequently.

Will it save you money to get married?

While a full financial appraisal is not entered into here, it is belived that as a rule of thumb, the married state is astronomically more expensive than the single.

This is actually counter-intuitive due to certain misunderstandings that:--

  • The single life is one of extravagance, such as clubbing at $200 per night.
  • That married couples can save on income tax.
  • That it is cheaper for both husband and wife to be unemployed and be on welfare.

In actual fact:--

  • The wedding itself can be very expensive - costs a lot of money - we are talking at the very least $10,000. Unless it is all very hush-hush and done on a strict budget involving only two witnesses who are invited to a meal at McDonalds.
  • Then you have a house to buy on a stonking mortgage. On a budget you can expect to put down at least $20,000 for your very own piece of trailer trash.
  • The couple may expect to bring up children. In USA each child can cost $500,000 until adulthood. More if you are paying the child to go to college. Even more if the child stays at home until 25 and never pays the "rent".
  • You may be required to buy a new set of bling to match your wedding ring. That can set you back at least 500 grands.

However, the expenses of marriage can easily be recouped by the husband becoming a successful businessman, for example as well-paid crack dealer, pyramid scheme salesman, protection racketeer. Plus he can pimp his wife out.

Due to the US dollar being all weak and flabby to the pound, British live-in lovers should snap up a bargain marriage, by way of cheap flight to Nevada, where there are walk in wedding chapels. Avoiding Las Vegas with a bargepole, and sleeping rough, you can save £9.99 on marriage costs! Sale! Bargain!

Average woman's life cycle

  • Fucks like a crazy slut in college. Gangbangs at frat parties on weekends. Destroys her body by drinking, smoking and lying in the sun to get a nice tan.
  • Gets a power corporate job, pumps her fist in the air over grrl power, and fucks more men. One night stands during business trips are normal.
  • Suddenly "oh no, I'm turning 30 and must land a husband".
  • Contacts every guy from her past, including that guy she rejected in high school, and that Mexican guy she fucked during spring break.
  • Wonders why no one wants her bitter, angry, wrinkled ass. Watches "Sex and the City" and reads Cosmopolitan magazine for enlightenment.
  • Eventually gives up, and orders 20 cats. Spends the next 50 years listening to the same old sad songs every night as her cats wail in agony. Keeps pictures of herself from her high school and college days to show people that she was once an attractive, young girl.
  • Finally dies. Cats rejoice with a feast of her flesh.

Why Women Want Need Men

Wedding02

Marriage is a special bond, for "special" people.

Well, look at it this way. Iran is on the brink of getting nuclear weapons. How long do you think it will take for them to use them? Five years? Three years? When they do, the result will be a nuclear war, centered in the middle east. That's where all those nasty, brutish men produce the petroleum that powers your little hairdryer.

When the war, or the terrorist nuclear attack, or any of a dozen or so other Very Bad Things happens, the result will be an economic train wreck like nothing anyone's seen since 1932. The stock market will tank. Gasoline will be $10 per gallon litre. Unemployment will be rampant. Racial tensions will boil over. There will be riots.

And when the whole fragile infrastructure that allows paranoid, mentally diseased, self-righteous women to have a platform and opinions comes down, you are going to wish to God for a few things. Size and strength. Some kind of practical skill, that's useful. Some kind of safety. Or at least, physical attractiveness, which you can barter, as women have done since the dawn of history.

Men are bigger, stronger, smarter, more logical, and when push comes to shove, capable of calmly engaging in unbelievable brutality when they need to. The worst thing you've ever done to anyone in your life pales next to what some man who's physically within a hundred yards of you right now has done. We're the gender that repeatedly tortures and slaughters our enemies by the millions. We're the gender that abuses children. We're the gender that brings you four-wheelin' and beer-bongs. Under certain circumstances, we're straight out of hell. And you do not have a prayer of stopping us, or even slowing us down. You don't have anything we need. Unless you find a man to back you up, you are pretty much powerless, and your future does not look too bright. Even if none of this geopolitical stuff happens, you are also not getting any younger, and once that commodity's gone, so are you.

Why Men Need Want Women

Sex and ironing. Initially the former, the longer the marriage, the more important the latter.

A Woman's Point of View

After sorting through a myriad of feelings after reading the above, similar to the ones I felt that time my only featured jpeg got voted off the island (smarted enough to make my eyes water), I felt the article could use a more fair and balanced point of view, the woman's.

His Window Rattling Snoring

Studies have shown that this is the leading cause of divorce and #3 motive behind murder in most developed countries. Although it's tempting to hate the snorer instead of the snoring, the best way to deal with this is to get a 2nd shift job and sleep during the day. The less time you spend around him, the happier your marriage will be.

Sports

Thank God for them. Many women aren't aware of the important insights to be gained by listening to what the husband hollers during a football game. When your Miami Dolphins fan foams at the mouth while screaming such things as "YOU FUCKING IDIOTS. YOU ARE SO FUCKING STOOPID!! or "MUTHAFUCKERS. COCKSUCKING WORTHLESS PIECES OF SHIT" it doesn't mean he's about to burn all his Dolphins baseball caps and t-shirts. Think about that the next time he shouts at you "FUCKING CUNT WHORE BITCH". He's actually on your team. Since anger is the only acceptable emotion for a man to express, this is his way of venting all those confusing feelings without looking like a FUCKING PUSSY.

His mother is a cunt

Hornytoad

A mother-in-law shortly before getting run over by a lawnmower.

It's like one day his father went for a walk, found a toad, kissed it and it turned into your mother-in-law. Although former toads look harmless enough one should never forget that beneath their massive piles of warty flesh beats the heart of Donald Trump.

And remember: like Medusa, one should never look a mother-in-law directly in the eye or you will be turned to stone. She may, however, be viewed via a hand held mirror.

Married Couples and TV

I have to admit, I gained a lot more respect for my husband when I realized that he should anchor the evening news (when he isn't showing the Dolphins how to play football and making Dale Earnhart, jr. learn how to fucking drive) because he knows things that they don't. Somehow he's always 2 steps ahead of those idiots.

Porn

The sooner you realize that the image of a naked photoshopped woman with 44DD breasts and 12" waist pops up in your husband's head every 3 seconds and makes him want to have sex with you twice a day, the easier it is to only give him sex once or twice a week. Since it's physically impossible for any woman to look like what the man really wants in bed, you should focus on making yourself happy instead. To satisfy your need for romance, try reading Harlequin novels while envisioning yourself floating through the skies of LazyTown at sunset with Sportacus at your side in his awesome blimp with a fold out sofa in the back surrounded by candles and drinking champagne. But you might still have to force yourself to have sex with your husband every so often just to keep the marriage alive.

The Asexual Point of View

Asexuals often marry themselves in order to express their profound disappointment with reality. Upon their honeymoon, they often try to consummate this marriage, further ending in disappointment. Hence, this becomes a self-fulfilled prophecy.

The homosexual point of view

Marriage is actually not as old as it claims to be, but was in fact invented in the last couple of years by Christians in order to promote the "Hetero Agenda". Although we have a great deal of respect for heterosexual people, we regard marriage between them as inherently wrong, and feel that if too many of these "marriages" are carried out, it will devalue the sanctity of our own civil unions and civil partnerships.

A Religious Point of View

The church claims that if one reads the Bible they will see that it is a sin to have sex before marriage and go to hell. This is completely false and just a way to profit off the selling of marriage contracts along with the Government. Trust me, I've never seen that once. Of course I've never read the Bible so I'd know better. Other religions don't give a damn may vary.

A dog's point of view

Dog glasses one

Dr. Bojangles, resident expert.

Hey! You're home! Hey! You're new! You smell different! WTF? What's happening?! What are those noises?!? Hey! I'm hungry! You missed my suppertime!

So, to sum it up

Marriage end

How to divorce someone, using a chainsaw.

Marriage consists of a union between two people, each wishing for something that could never happen with someone who doesn't exist but who got married anyway and usually wind up divorced in the end.

On the plus side, you always have the peacefulness of the grave to look forward to.

See also

242 Day Divine Retribution
Smite | Damnation | Flagellation | Flood | Death of Your First Born | Frogs | Pestilence
Fire and Brimstone | Famine | Cancer | Papercuts of Doom | Damaged goods | Reaganomics
Spontaneous Combustion | Decapitation Disease | Brainsplurge | Marriage | Melenoma | Pedicornwallification
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