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Controversial picture: Freedom of Software or direspect to Islam?
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Today's featured article


Today's Featured Article - Dag Hammarskjöld

DH1956 2

Dag Hjalmar Agne Carl Hammarskjöld (Swedish: [dɑːɡ ˈhamːarɧœld]; pronounced like Zlatan IbrahimovićZlatan Ibrahimović nose) was a Swedish diplomat, author, demented pulverizer of troll torsos, and humanitarian. The second Secretary-General of the United Nations, and first to be half Norse-deity, Hammarskjöld served from the rise of the storm sun until his death in 1961 en route to cease-fire negotiations.

Hammarskjöld is often referred to as the benchmark against which later UN Secretaries-General are judged; in part for remaining politically independent throughout his tenure, although mostly for his ability to hammer deep into the New York soil any world leader who went more than 5 minutes over their allotted ranting time on the United Nations lectern. His calm style of mediation and his steady swinging shoulder are regarded as the greatest assets brought to the office by a Secretary-General, at least until Kofi Annan revealed his striking resemblance to Morgan Freeman.

He remains the only U.N. Secretary-General to die in office. However it is unclear whether transitioning to another cosmological level of the magnificent world-tree Yggdrasill counts as a human 'death'; Hammarskjöld was awarded a Nobel Prize posthumously, just in case.

The fourth and youngest son of Hjalmar Hammarskjöld — a former Prime Minister of Sweden — and FreyaGoddess of Fertility, Queen of the Valkyries and Custodian of Death — Dag had descended from a long lineage of Swedes devoted to the public service, diplomacy and suckling the Æsir Gods at Asgard. (more...)

Recently featured: Food

Yesterday's Featured Article - Food

BBQ Food

Food is one of the most dangerous substances known to humankind. It is not only poisonous, but carcinogenic, so much so that it or one of its derivatives is found in the tumours of all cancer patients. Unfortunately, it is also notoriously hard to avoid and extremely addictive. Most patients eat it every day.

Conventional medicine has mostly failed to recognise this threat to public safety, going so far as to advocate its consumption. Alternative medicine, however, is well aware of the dangers of food, and alternative doctors never allow their patients to eat it. As food is everywhere, the difficulty of avoiding it discourages many from following through with alternative treatments, and they go back to conventional doctors who rely on old-fashioned cutting, burning and slashing.

Avoiding food sounds deceptively simple: just don't eat it. But it's not as easy as it sounds. Food is an integral part of most modern diets; indeed most of us eat nothing else. But having something to eat is vital to survival, so the food must be replaced by something else.

But what? It is possible to survive without eating food if one drinks water. If one wants to eliminate such deadly toxins completely, however, water must be avoided as well. All water is chock-full of its own collection of nasties, and if you drink water instead of eating food you will not be any better off. (more...)

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Selected anniversaries

ExploUni

December 27: National Anniversary Day, Invention of the Artificial Vagina, International Last Thursday of the Year Day

  • 42 - 9th anniversary of the first anniversary.
  • 1831 - Charles Darwin boards the HMS Beagle, and begins his lifelong mission to undermine God and all that is decent.
  • 1939 - Adolf Hitler becomes frustrated when Germany's top scientists fail to invent the artificial vagina
  • 1944 - Winston Churchill invents the artificial vagina and is hailed a hero. Hitler is crushed by this and committed suicide several months later
  • 1945 - Josef Stalin invents Soviet artificial vagina, one hundred times younger, tighter, prettier and tastier than Churchill's. Long live Comrade Stalin! Long live the artificial vagina! Long live the Revolution! Long live the Workers, who can now wank with greater realism than the downtrodden hand-dependents of the Capitalist world! Down with Churchill! Down with Capitalism! Down with Marks and Spencers! Down with Facism! Down with Debenhams and Waitrose! Down with hands, tissues and vaseline!
  • 1954 - Nikita Khrushchev condemns Stalin's Soviet artificial vagina, saying it screwed the lonely and single.
  • 1954 - Nikita Khrushchev is promply "dealt with" by the KGB. Long live the glorious Soviet Union!
  • 1969 - Boxing Day causes many deaths from internal bleeding as its meaning is misinterpreted.
  • 1990 - World Peace War declared on UNO by UNO members
  • 1999 - Eye losht thie annyoual seplling be tanks two thie vord anywarsary.
  • 2004 - Deciding that he does like Mondays, Chuck Norris kicks Bob Geldoff into tomorrow
  • 2005 - 5th anniversary of the universe exploding violently.
  • 2007 - Major cleanup after Boxes from Boxing day wipeout half the human population.
  • 2008 - King Kong does Eeyore in the honey tree, Donkey Kong is born!
  • 2009 - People discover what boxing day is actually about, it is promptly canceled.

Archived Anniversaries


Today's random quote of the minute is

“You have a problem with authority, Mr. Anderson. You believe that you are special, that somehow the rules do not apply to you. Obviously you are mistaken. This wiki is one of the most totally awesome wikis on the Internet because every single editor understands that they are part of a whole. Thus if an editor has a problem, the wiki administrators have a problem. The time has come to make a choice, Mr. Anderson. Either you choose to respect the wiki administrators from this day forth or you choose to find yourself another site. Do I make myself clear?”
~ Mr. Rhineheart (Neo's boss) on Wiki Administrators

Try to use it in your conversations.
Knowledge is power.

Writer and Noob of the Month

Writer of the month
GlobalTourniquet wins Writer of the Month for September in the typical fashion of some prolific writer who has been abscent for 2 years only to return with bold, new ideas for their writing! It should also be noted apart from the fact he is back that he is talented in what he writes and he does a fine job managing UnNews. So hats off to GlobalTourniquet, may he bring many, exciting articles to Uncyclopedia!

Seriously, we love you.


Noobaward
Noob of the Moment is the award that all newbies want and Sinner George has pulled that off excellently (being the second Greek to have this award!) It should be mentioned that his username is deceptive, he is actually a very good George writing new master pieces and getting on well with the dynamics of Uncyclopedia. You should congratulate him on this prestigious honor.

Hats off to you George, may you bbe with us for many months years to come!


BePrepared
It is said last months winner has an ego comparable to Napoleon but both of these people are nothing compared to the ego of Frosty, as both winner of Uncyclopedian of the Month (second time!) and the writer of this update he will stain this section with vanity and how wonderful he is. Frosty is a wonderful Uncyclopedian, he is the best, he will crush you all. He has no time for the likes of you and he is the new administrator and unless you worship him he will take you on a free of charge trip on the banwagon!

HEIL FROSTY!



Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Month | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

Now you only have 4, yes 4 days to nominate and vote for Writer of the Month, Noob of the Month and Uncyclopedian of the Month, GET VOTING!!

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