That the Founding Founders in the execution-happy colonies would have written an amendment to ban executions entirely is so unthinkable that it has taken the finest minds in the United States to explain why it means exactly this.
Most uses of the Eighth Amendment in the U.S. court system therefore concern executions, the exception being the rare lawsuit to demand premium cable channels on prison televisions.
In fact, no prisoner has ever been drawn-and-quartered or tortured in the United States at all. And slavery, the Alternative Minimum Tax, and Instant Replay in Major League Baseball are technically not even "punishments."
The Supreme Court, then, has had the task of understanding what the Founders could have meant by writing an Amendment that, on the surface, seems meaningless. In the American renaissance called the Great Society, it first occurred to the Court that the death penalty itself could be "cruel and unusual punishment."
As in most things, the Court advanced this "jurisprudence" gradually, first saving from execution only:
The insane, who obviously did not know what they were doing
Premeditated murders, because the nation needs their expertise and attention to detail in National Economic Planning
Child killers, because we need to give them a chance to grow up
Spouse killers, because we need to give them a chance to grow old
Elderly killers, because sometimes writing kids out of the will just doesn't work
1834 - The best day in all of history! There'll never ever be another day like it! It's amazing!
1901 - President Teddy Roosevelt mounts his wife: BULLY!
1922 - Warren G. Harding's popularity at an all time high! New York Times: "Harding is the Best President Ever!"
1928 - Canadian dollar tops U.S. Dollar in World Markets!
1935 - Champaign Toasts and Caviar Dreams great newborn Robin Leach!
1944 - Concentration Camp deaths in Poland reach a new zenith! Hitler asks, Who knew Jews could be so results oriented?
1965 - The mildest day in the history of the universe. No other day was as mild. Ever.
- The worst day in the history of the universe, so much so that no one mentioned it and so we no longer know when it was. But we do know that it was some time between 1965 and 1988.
1986 - Ronald Reagan stays awake for an entire cabinet meeting!
1988 - A group of the world most talented musicians come together to write the greatest song in the history of the world. It has a sound so astonishingly incredible and so incredibly beautiful that people come from all over the world just to hear it played at its one and only live performance at the grandest stadium in the world, the Metrodome.
1990 - Oprah is so hungry she could eat a horse. Twice!
2006 - Pete Wentz of Fall Out Boy spewed out sperm so high it touched the stars.
GlobalTourniquet wins Writer of the Month for September in the typical fashion of some prolific writer who has been abscent for 2 years only to return with bold, new ideas for their writing! It should also be noted apart from the fact he is back that he is talented in what he writes and he does a fine job managing UnNews. So hats off to GlobalTourniquet, may he bring many, exciting articles to Uncyclopedia!
Seriously, we love you.
Noob of the Moment is the award that all newbies want and Sinner George has pulled that off excellently (being the second Greek to have this award!) It should be mentioned that his username is deceptive, he is actually a very good George writing new master pieces and getting on well with the dynamics of Uncyclopedia. You should congratulate him on this prestigious honor.
Hats off to you George, may you bbe with us for many monthsyears to come!
It is said last months winner has an ego comparable to Napoleon but both of these people are nothing compared to the ego of Frosty, as both winner of Uncyclopedian of the Month (second time!) and the writer of this update he will stain this section with vanity and how wonderful he is. Frosty is a wonderful Uncyclopedian, he is the best, he will crush you all. He has no time for the likes of you and he is the new administrator and unless you worship him he will take you on a free of charge trip on the banwagon!