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Lance with a brick on the end: The brick guarantees you will win each time. Until the other guy gets one.
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Today's Featured Article

Today's Featured Article - Supply-side Jesus

Jesus-salesman

Supply-Side Jesus is little-known outside of Republican circles, but his life has been chronicled recently by the biblical prophet Al Franken. It turns out that Supply-Side Jesus was a contemporary of that other Jesus, the Jesus of Nazareth. While this article is not about Jesus of Nazareth, but about the real, true, one and only Christ, the Supply-Side Jesus, we should allow Jesus of Nazareth at least a small footnote in this article. Jesus of Nazareth was, to those of you who don't know all these obscure Biblical references, and we'll just get this one out of the way: According to Edward S. Herman (an early scribe), Jesus of Nazareth was an early rabble-rouser of Communistic tendency, and the victim of an early witchhunt. It could even be asserted that he would be one of the first witches to ever be hunted. Jesus of Nazareth is often confused with Elvis Presley. While "Jesus's countenance was like lightning and his clothing white as snow" (Matt 28:3), Elvis had been seen on stage wearing snow-white jumpsuits with lightning bolts. And the two were never seen in the same place at the same time, which makes the similarity even more creepy.

Both Jesii have had some connection to wood and nails. Supply-Side Jesus ran a hardware store that sold dry goods to local contractors and home renovators. Jesus of Nazareth was at that time not widely-known and frequented the establishment due to their unbeatably low prices and courteous service, while oblivious to the fact that much of the tools and dry goods he was buying were made in Byzantine sweatshops using child labour; and that those who worked under Supply-Side Jesus signed an agreement not to ever join a union. Supply-Side Jesus established himself as the kind of salesman who was able to sell sand to Bedouins. Indeed, once he succeeded, a typical Bedouin he might have sold it to would curse himself the next day for his stupidity. Said bedouin could not return his sand for a refund, since he would never be able to prove that the sand he purcahsed was any different from the sand in the surrounding desert. What was he thinking?

Supply-Side Jesus also sold clay and limestone to build houses that were not much different from the clay and limestone which littered the landscape in those days. Jesus of Nazareth would also buy twigs and branches to make the walls and thatched roofs of the houses in his contractual territory, which covered a sprawling Jerusalem suburb known as Bethlehem. (more...)

Recently featured: Supply-side Jesus

Yesterday's Featured Article - Plectrum

Plectrum

Long before the Internet, long before AIDS, a computer company that we shall not name ordered divisions from the United States and Great Britain to work together. The Brits used to bring their guitars to parties, but would not take them out and play until something called a plectrum was found. No, hell if I know. That's when we knew we didn't trust them.

It was so obvious. We'd been developing a programming language. Our English division had been developing an application package that was ideal to be written in it. We were wasting time with memos and phone calls to fit these two pieces together. So let's just move one department to the other's building, 2200 miles away, uh, 3500 kilometres. A few plane flights, personnel lines up some apartments--yes, flats, that's what I mean--and it's a piece of cake. And after this project, we'll have a multinational force uniquely able to solve other problems. More able, in fact, than management is to define them.

Now, who's the home team and who's the visitors? That part only took management six months. (more...)

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Selected anniversaries

February 27: Banjo Impressions Day.

  • 1972: Diwn diwndiwn, diwn diwn, diwn diwn, diwn diwn
  • 1982: Banjo impressions are banned in Alabama during its Third Five-Year Plan.
  • 1985: deh de dew dew dew dew dew dew , dew........deh de dew dew dew dew dew dew , dew.
  • 1986: He's got a real pretty mouth on him, don't he?
  • 1994 - Top of the Flops debuts on BBC Two, earning a place at No.1 on this show results in a £10,000,000 fine. Madonna was the first Number One with Played Like a Banjo.
  • 1998: Nintendo and Rareware officially release Banjo-Kazooie, brief fad of impersonating a bear hits America
  • 2006: Apple's iRon topped selling charts for the first time.
  • 2007: Pokemon Olive a pokemon game was supposed to come out but didn't.
  • 2040: Intel creates the world's fastest computer processor, "Idiot Inside"
  • 2050: Apple sued for putting Michael Jackson in its iRon ads
  • 2645: Ting Tong playing Ping pong with King Kong in Hong Kong.
  • 2846: Ping-Pong merrilly on high...
  • 2847: Your mom plays my banjo... if you know what I mean.
  • 3007: Dr. Zoidberg plays spin the bottle with Dick Cheney and wins Bush's best tie, and a badger.
  • 3009: Smart humans invent The Banjo and make 23 billion songs. Five Published, millions buy Albums, $10 made.

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Writer of the Month

Writer of the month
GlobalTourniquet wins Writer of the Month for September in the typical fashion of some prolific writer who has been abscent for 2 years only to return with bold, new ideas for their writing! It should also be noted apart from the fact he is back that he is talented in what he writes and he does a fine job managing UnNews. So hats off to GlobalTourniquet, may he bring many, exciting articles to Uncyclopedia!

Seriously, we love you.


Noobaward
Noob of the Moment is the award that all newbies want and Sinner George has pulled that off excellently (being the second Greek to have this award!) It should be mentioned that his username is deceptive, he is actually a very good George writing new master pieces and getting on well with the dynamics of Uncyclopedia. You should congratulate him on this prestigious honor.

Hats off to you George, may you bbe with us for many months years to come!


BePrepared
It is said last months winner has an ego comparable to Napoleon but both of these people are nothing compared to the ego of Frosty, as both winner of Uncyclopedian of the Month (second time!) and the writer of this update he will stain this section with vanity and how wonderful he is. Frosty is a wonderful Uncyclopedian, he is the best, he will crush you all. He has no time for the likes of you and he is the new administrator and unless you worship him he will take you on a free of charge trip on the banwagon!

HEIL FROSTY!



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