Maddox
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 The factual accuracy of this article is absolutely indisputable. ~ Oscar Wilde |
Not to be mistaken with Lester Maddox, inventor of racism, or Commodore Maddox, a notable high priest of Flying Spaghetti Monsterism.
Maddox (born with an eyepatch; died on fire) is/was (or "wizz") a well-known Pirate and a leader of the Jacobins.
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Maddox the Pirate
“Maddox is so cool. He could shiver me timbers any day of the week.”
“ Maddox. ”
Early Life
Manstill died fighting in the great GI Joe-Tranformers War, and Maddox was left disillusioned with existence and quite embittered. This tragedy, coupled with living in Sweden during his childhood has made Maddox hate you, me and everyone. As a child, whenever young Maddox was out of control or failed to abide by the rules, his father was never slow to take up his cat o' nine tails and slap him right across the cajoles. During his adolescence Maddox developed his manly sense of humour dealing with touchy subjects such as: race, women, the government, cybernetic overlords, and even children. Little did he know his looked-over opinions would soon lead to a world wide web revolution and many people would come to know him as a God.
Pirate Life
For a brief period, Maddox established himself as a revolutionary and overthrew oppressive facist governmental systems. Everyone rejoiced (especially Pirates) except for the homosexual ninjas, who instead had sex with men and contracted AIDs.
He was promptly killed by Chuck Norris, the leader of the aforementioned homosexual ninjas.
Death
Like all good Pirates Maddox died in battle with his arch rival Chuck Norris, after receiving mass shipments of Norris's main export: pain. This titanic 30 month battle is recorded in the magnum opus "Saga of the Pirates" by historian extraordinaire Oscar Wilde. The weapons Maddox used included a bad-ass turn of phrase and repartee laced with acerbic wit. The verbal barrage from Maddox was followed swiftly by a Chuck Norris roundhouse to the face.
The conflict ended with death, until Norris roundhouse kicked death in the face as well.
25% of Maddox's body, the groin area, was preserved for use as an educational resource when instructing children on the subject of manliness. The rest of his body fed thousands of Asian schoolchildren after it was converted into Soylent Green.
Afterlife
Maddox became more popular in death than he had ever been in life. Like other famous dead people, he then tried to rise from the dead, but was stopped by Jesus, who copyrighted resurrection, rendering Maddox's plans both illegal and blasphemous. Maddox proceeded to cutlass reality into fragments of meaningless drivel and create his own reality, in the realm between life and death.
Taking the advice of the newly-installed Pope, Eric Bauman, Maddox bribed the Church and arranged a resurrection. Following the arduous and heavily publicised event, Maddox decided to pursue his boyhood passion: ballet. Despite rave reviews from many homosexuals, ninjas, and homosexual ninjas, Maddox hung up his pumps and set about pursuing his true calling: BLOGZORZ LOLZ!!11one?
Miscellaneous
Inventions - Head stomping as an Olympic sport - Beef Jerky - Pirates - Manliness - Testicular Fortitude - The Best Videogame Ever. - Heavy Metal music - Free will - The word "piss"
Further Reading
His new book: The Alphabet of Manliness
