Maddox

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The correct background color here should be black. As Maddox himself would say, your monitor is actually a lightbulb, not a piece of paper. But unfortunately, a wiki is a piece of paper.


Maddox (Born May 6, 1758) is a well-known Pirate, renowned art-critic, #1 New York Best-Selling Author, and a leader of the Jacobins.

Early Life/Birth

Maddox

Maddox is the Messiah sent by the Almighty Flying Spaghetti Monster. At an early age, Maddox was stunted during early stages of critical development by being ridiculously more awesome than any other kids in his school system. Apparently being a pirate at such a young age in the middle of Utah can have severly pronounced effects on an individual. Sources say the boy Maddox ripped off his own hand to install a hook in his arm. Though his childhood is seldom mentioned due to embarrassment of being so awesome and spending all of his nights kicking incredible amounts of ass, he was still able to graduate high school without the killing of all his classmates, either outright, or as a side effect of so much concentrated awesomeness. Bitch.

Pirate Life/Youth

For a brief period, Maddox established himself as a self-proclaimed revolutionary and overthrew oppressive fascist governmental systems all over the world. Everyone rejoiced, except for the ninjas but extra especially the clinjas.

Like all real pirates, Maddox was to die in battle with his arch rival, Thilo Savage. 25% of Maddox's body, the groin area, was preserved for use as an educational resource when instructing children on the subject of manliness. The rest of his body fed thousands of Asian schoolchildren after it was converted into Soylent Green.

Afterlife/Valhalla

Maddox became more popular in death than he had ever been in life. Like other famous dead people, he then tried to rise from the dead, but was stopped by Jesus, who copyrighted resurrection, rendering Maddox's plans both illegal and blasphemous. Maddox proceeded to cutlass into fragments of meaningless drivel and create his own reality, in the realm between life and death.

He then thought it best, since he was essentially a ghost, to "haunt" things, especially babies' rooms. The screams in the night were beautiful music. The tears in their eyes were like magical potions that created everlasting smiles!! God bless weak, stupid kids!!! (No, actually, fuck kids)

Taking the advice of US senator William Jefferson, Maddox bribed the Church and arranged a resurrection. Following the arduous and heavily publicized event, Maddox decided to pursue his boyhood passion: ass-kickery. Despite rave reviews from many ninjas, pirates, and vikings, Maddox hung up his sword and set about pursuing his true calling: dishing out justice via the internet, while occasionally making public appearances as a fat nerd in full LARPin' gear, to prove the proverb right, "Appearances may be deceiving". True that.

Miscellaneous information

Religion

Although it is well known that Maddox did, indeed, write the Bible, he is a devout Pieist, practicing the religion of Pieism. NOTE: Maddox was killed by Chuck Norris when Norris descended into hell to kill hitler.

Inventions:


  • Wit
  • Head stomping as an Olympic sport
  • Beef Jerky +/- Tobasco Sauce
  • Pirates
  • Harmonicas (you'd be surprised how much the beeotches love it!!!)
  • Simulated Internet Manliness
  • Testicular Fortitude
  • The Best Videogame Ever
  • Heavy Metal music
  • The Bible (don't let the hippies fool you; by the way, "The Da Vinci Code" SUCKED)
  • Free will
  • The word "Piss"
  • Books
  • Snoop Dogg
  • Every sexually transmitted disease known to man
  • An ego bigger than his balls, which is nearly impossible to achieve
  • The color black
  • Suckups
  • Child Pornography
  • The Alphabet of Manliness


1,337 people edited this article and it still isn't funny.

maddox@xmission.com
Back to how much I rule...

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