London

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{{self-contradictory}}
 
{{Q|When crossing the road gives you a different accent, you must be in London. Stupid geniouses. |Oscar Wilde|}}
 
 
{{Q|When I got there the streets weren't paved with gold at all! It was raining men though, so it's not all bad. London, baby!|Dick Whittington|London}}
 
 
[[Image:Minasmorgul.jpg|thumb|RIGHT|View of London before sunrise, as seen from [[Scotland]].]]
 
Not to be confused with [[Pakistan]], [[Ontario]], [[University of The North Pole|London, France]], Londoninium (aka 'Facking Laandaan',or Londrone, as it was later renamed by the occupying Romans) is a small village, just outside England's capital city, [[Romford]]. It is rumoured to be the final resting place of the [[Tower of London]].
 
 
Despite its diminutive size, and lack of obvious attractions, London is actually the only inhabited place in the [[United Kingdom]], and [[Americans]] flock there in untold [[12|dozens]]. It is suspected they're all actually looking for [[Hobbiton]] or [[Hogwarts]]. However, the locals welcome them with open arms, and positively encourage them and their heavy wallets on the [[tube|Tube]], a miniature underground railway (where they are subsequently mugged by chavs).
 
 
The lack of attractions in London is not due to a lack of effort, however. Those noteworthy accomplishments of its inhabitants have a peculiar habit of being knocked over, being declared indecent by the general public and ''then'' getting knocked over, or simply [[University of The North Pole|disappearing]]. In the case of the latter, the equally glaring lack of a standard police force has prevented any competent exploration of ''who'' took the missing attraction, or ''where'' the missing attraction has gone.
 
 
Recently, an investigation by [[Scotland Yard]], the [[British]] equivalent to the [[American Lawn Care Association]], managed to apprehend one of the supposeded [[Chigley Assassin]]s. In reality, the 'investigation' was a trip to the local pub for lunch by the Ipswitch branch of [[Scotland Yard]], and the '[[Chigley Assassin]]' was, in fact, Former British Prime <s>Rib</s> Minister Tony Share (deceased). The current mayor of London is [[Sauron]].
 
 
 
 
 
== On being the centre of the Universe ==
 
After maths being done with GMT & KFC and that, on Monday August 14th 1997 it was proven what 98.7% of Londoners had previously thought that London is the centre of the universe.
 
If something needs building..., say a national football stadium, it seems only completely retarded (and as such completely logical to 'Facking Laadaanaars') to have it in the South East of the country around the London area. Some loonie Northern [[scum]] even suggested that it should be in the centre of the country when the majority of the population is. That's what happens when you don't live in the direct & actual centre of the universe.
 
 
== Tower of London ==
 
[[Image:Towerlondon.jpg|thumb|RIGHT|The Tower Of London, exterior currently under renovation in tourist's favourite luminous green and cyan.]]
 
 
The '''Tower of London''' was built in [[1066]] and is a towering three stories high.
 
 
At the time of its construction it was the tallest tower on the [[planet]]. This is mainly because everyone lived in deep underground caverns back then and had no need for towers.
 
 
The Tower is inhabited by [[raven]]s and it is very widely believed (that is to say, believed by very wide people) that, if they ever leave the tower, the kingdom will fall. In order to prevent this, the ravens' wings are clipped, their eyes ripped out, their beaks welded shut, and their feet manacled to the sturdy stone of the tower. Paranoid? Noooo.
 
 
The Beefeaters that give tours at the Tower claim that they are the happiest ravens in all the world, although many put this down to the [[Mad Cow Disease]].
 
 
Despite its name, the Tower is not in London, [[Ontario]] at all. Its actual location remains one of the world's great unsolved mysteries.
 
 
== Fast Warrior People of Ancient London ==
 
 
From 283 AD to [[1750]], the city of [[London]] (found in the mystic mountains of Tibet, the worlds largest Oyster exporters) was home to a mysterious clan of top hat weilding maniacs [http://darkwing.uoregon.edu/~tasa/webdoc1.htg/JackTheRipper_sm.gif], known then as the Expediently Violent Chaps About Town, but today are recorded in history as The Fast Warrior People of Ancient London.
 
 
Very little was documented about this elusive, yet notably riotous bunch, excepting their love for boiled vegetables, pin-ups of the current ruling monarch, and oriental children (see: [[Dirty]] [[Chinese]] [[people]]). It is known that Charles Darwin [http://pages.britishlibrary.net/charles.darwin3/mletters_images/darwin1.jpg] tried at one point to revive a custom practiced by the FWPAL's, the cutting of the flower.
 
 
This infamous tradition involved a young maiden, a cricket bat, a length of rope, some hedge trimmers, and took place in a garden. The young maiden would be stripped down bare, tied to stakes in the garden, and then beaten with the cricket bat unyeildingly until she was able to loosen her bonds, get to the hedge trimmers, and cut a tasteful - yet none too bold - selection of flowers for a boquet. The boquet would then be presented to the FWPAL's mams, who would make them meat pies, and then everyone would sit down for a lovely meal. Excepting, of course, the maiden, who would have to get back to the local elementary school before her students noticed she was gone.
 
 
Recently, the British government has passed a mandate addressing a sudden resurgance of the warrior tradition in London, which they now deem as Hooliganism, or Hooliganing, or even possibly Hooliganannery. The state and queen have levied strict punishments on any men seen taking part in activities that could be seen by any nation as Hooliganeriffic.
 
 
Though upsetting to find this sort of attitude still prevalent in our modern and advanced world of intellect and ethics, it is refreshing to find that the old fighting spirit of the South hasn't died in England. It in fact died in France in the late 19th century, after a long, painful and drawn out death. Old fighting spirit had apparently asked for citizens to refain from drawing his death, but they didn't listen because, being an instinct of man and all, it couldn't speak.
 
 
==Modern-day Londoners and the "God Complex"==
 
Modern-day Londoners tend to follow the codes of "living life in the fast lane", "getting rich quick" and "being a complete fucking cunt at all times". They have little time to relax, not even for a cup of tea or a chat about the weather, and are in a permanent state of hyper-tension.
 
 
Many Londoners are also known to suffer from what psychologists term a "God Complex", symptoms of which include imagining that Oneself rules the universe, that all other people are inferior and deserve to be treated accordingly, and that One is absolutely perfect and above reproach.
 
 
Those suffering from a "God Complex" can often be spotted drinking on Friday and Saturday nights around any bars illuminated with neon lights and with exorbitant prices for alcohol. They have little interest in anything besides Themselves, money and material wealth. Other outward signs of a sufferer include walking around flashing wads of cash at all and sundry, especially tramps and beggars, driving cars with gold-laminated mud-flaps, and wearing designer pork-pie hats. When speaking, They often talk loudly and aggressively and take offence at anything which anybody outside Their sphere of worshippers says to Them. They are also fond of sniffing lines of sherbert.
 
 
A God Complex-sufferer's face is permanently contorted into a sneer, which signifies Their contempt for things which are below Them, ie everybody and everything else. They can occasionally be seen walking around on all-fours, the reason being that Their heads have become completely stuck up Their own arses.
 
 
Generally speaking, They are safe to approach, as long as you can handle an earful of abuse for anything which contravenes their "Holy Scriptures", such as standing on the left-hand side of the escalator, or asking Them what time it is.
 
 
In recent years, many white sufferers have been moving to multi-cultural areas such as Brixton, ostensibly to enhance Their own sense of how amazingly modern and "with it" They are. (Some conspiracy theorists argue however that the real reason is to drive out what they see as the "colonial low-life" in order to prepare for the establishment of a VERY WHITE "Heaven on Earth").
 
 
There is no generally accepted cure for the condition. Recommendations include: joining a local Victorian book-reading club, if only to meet and talk to people once a week; getting a part-time job in a kindergarten, thus having some "human contact" now and again; and overdosing on aspirin.
 
 
It should be noted that like the tribes of many other southern cities, Londoners are total <u>twats</u>. The ones who aren't twats are in London to study the art. Within 2 or 3 years, they graduate with a degree in Twattery, and are thus ready for a lifetime and career of living in London and being a complete twat. This is considered by some to be an achievement, others an incurable affliction.
 
 
Soon to be completed, is the 8 lane boundry called the M25 that is designed to keep Londoners in and all others out by way of intensive traffic jams and badly worded signs. It is believed that by 2012 there will be so much traffic on the M25 it will be impossible to get on or off causing London to congest itself to death. We can only hope.
 
 
==London Underground==
 
[[Image:SportsCart.jpg|thumb|275px|Alternative to travelling on the Underground]]
 
[[Underground|London Underground]] is an addictive live role-playing game played by millions of Londoners every day beneath the streets of London. For the price of a single-journey ticket, "commuters" (as game participants are called) are armed with a laser gun and a truncheon. The aim of the game is to battle your way through the crowds of commuters to get from "A to B".
 
 
Various spanners are thrown in the works by the managers in order to make the game more difficult and challenging for the role-player. These include:
 
*Trains breaking down in the middle of tunnels.
 
*Trains coming anywhere up to half an hour late, with no explanation or apology.
 
*Fines for having the wrong ticket.
 
*Unhelpful and occasionally abusive "station attendants".
 
*Poisonous air with little oxygen.
 
*Ungrateful transit employees going on strike and shutting the place down because they feel they are not paid enough to sit on their arse all day.
 
 
A recent survey by the mental health charity MIND concluded that the live-action game was immoral in that it bullies its players with such tactics and creates increased psychological stress, aggression and even mental breakdowns. They recommended that the game be banned on mental health grounds. A government health watchdog also said that chest and bronchial problems amongst Londoners had increased ten-fold since the introduction of the game, and recommended that tunnels be cleaned up "to prevent a potential public health catastrophe". London Underground was unavailable for comment as their media spokesman's train had broken down, and their deputy commissioner had been taken to hospital suffering from chest spasms.
 
 
On July 7, 2007 (also called 7/7/07), four suicide bombers bombed the Underground to persuade England to give [[Northern Ireland]] back to Ireland. It worked. But since then there has been troubble amongst the Shia towelheads in the North and the Sunni towelheads in the rest of Ireland over what the official religion will be. There was so much conflict, that eventually everyone suicide bombed all of Ireland so that now it is destroyed.
 
 
== People ==
 
 
At least one person in London is named [[Bob]], although it has been rumoured that there may be as many as three.
 
 
By contrast, at least seven, including everyone called [[Bob]], are known as [[Bruce]].
 
 
 
Cockneys are infamous for being really loud. They will most likely say things like "Diet Coke is for fat people" just before you buy a diet coke. Then shout "Weh" when they see you with it. Or say "Jog on".
 
 
There are also currently 1000000000000000 people called Natanawakawoooluzulumanwithstrangeafricanethnicnameman in the city. They all work at Burger King, which is like McDonalds, except not really. No, they don't ''all'' work at the ''same'' one. That would be against EU health and safety laws, which are taken very seriously in London.
 
 
==Nasty people==
 
Apart from regular cockneys,[[pearly kings]] and Reggie Kray types, there exists a new breed - the rudeboy happyslapper.
 
 
This specimen gains delight from randomly attacking people (usually by slapping his small flaccid [[microphallus]] in the victim's eye) whilst a companion films the incident on his mobile telephone. Rudeboy happyslappers live in the shittier parts of London - most notably Shepherd's Bush, Peckham, Holland Park and Mayfair. As with terrorists they come in a multitude of guises - one should take as much care with a chav wearing Burburry as a pinstripped banker.
 
 
=="[[Ghetto]]" language==
 
This is the tounge of the aforementioned "[[Rudeboys]]" and also the lesser known "[[Rudegirls]]". Here is a rudelanguage translator for some of the most common phrases, though there seem to be new words invented every few nanoseconds so not all can be covered. Never mention to a [[rudeboy]] that he does not actually live in a [[ghetto]]. You may not live to tell the tale.
 
 
Warning: The following [[ghetto]] language translator may be disturbing to those of upper-middle class or above and those of a nervous disposition. Side effects may include nausea, dizziness, fatigue, extreme anger and the irrepressable urge to purge the city of these so-called "[[rudeboys]]" defiling the gene-pool. Read on at your own risk. [[Uncyclopedia]] accepts no responsibility for any injuries you may sustain subsequent to reading the following.
 
 
* "You're gonna get mirked" - You will experience a severe beating
 
* "I'm gonna blaps you up" - I am going to give you a severe beating
 
* "I'll mash your face up" - You may need some plastic surgery soon, old chap!
 
* "Cuz", "Blud", "Blad" "Man" and "Bruv" - Terms used for anyone, friend or foe. "Man" can also refer to one's self. See below
 
* "Naaah, that aint serious!" - I find this rather unfair
 
* "Nah bruv, he bare boyed you out" - I believe that young man just insulted your mother
 
* "Don't have it cuz, don't have it!" - He insulted you. Now he must pay
 
* "Sick" - Can mean either good or bad, depending on how expression is placed upon the word
 
* "Man's gettin Vex" - I am becoming rather irritated. "Man" can also refer to someone else. See above
 
* "Cold" - That was a tad bit harsh
 
* "Bredrin", "Crew", "Homeslice"(can be shortened to "Homies")- A name for any assosiates
 
* "Wasteman" - Not, (surprisingly) referring to bin-men. It means a young man who is of no use to society
 
* "Wastegash" - Same as above, but a young lady
 
* "Bare" - Meaning extrememly or incredibly, or a lot of, for example "That's bare cold" (that was extremely harsh) or "He had bare crack, man" (he had rather a large amount of cocain)
 
* "Jack" - To steal
 
* "Allow me yo phone, man" - Let me borrow your phone. There is an underlying tone of "If you don't let me borrow your phone I'll take it from you anyway and maybe I'll just forget to give it back..."
 
* "[[Oyster card]]" - Prepayment card for cheap teenage prostitutes
 
 
==People who are not named Bob==
 
*[[David Lytton-Sarazin]]
 
*[[Saul Hill]]
 
*[[Saint Swibbins]]
 
*Queen [[Tony Blair]] (Not to be confused with Former British Prime <s>Rib</s> Minister Tony Blair, deceased)
 
*[[Geeza]] McGeezin
 
*It is believed that [[Michael]] lives here. Though it can't be confirmed.
 
*Oscar [[Wilde]] was once thought to live within London, but was probably due to crabs.
 
*Jed, you know, the bloke with the sideburns and the fit girlfriend.
 
*Of course, everyone knows that [[Bob's your aunt]]
 
 
==Government==
 
 
London has tried all possible variants of government - from street party committees upwards: the current government and its leader are the reincarnations of the previous ones after a 14 year blank (Mind the gap): a previous version was a byword for [[corruption]].
 
 
== Sights ==
 
* [[Buckingham Palace|Tha Old Geeza's house]]
 
* [[House of Lords|House of Nerds]]
 
* [[Big Ben|Big Bend Over]]
 
* [[British Library|The British Library]]
 
* [[Birmingham Hippodrome]]
 
* [[London Bridge]] ''(collapse imminent)''
 
* [[Madame Tussauds|Madam Clouseau's Musuem]]
 
* [[10 Downing Street|69 Downing Street]]
 
* [[London Underground|Secret Masonic Underground HQ]]
 
* [[Imperial College London]]
 
* [[All those fucking cunts]]
 
* [[Stonehenge|Stonehenge Zen Garden]]
 
* the [[A1]]
 
 
== Getting around ==
 
The best way to get around London is to use the [[Tube Socks]]. However, keep in mind that the employees of the London Undergroud system are all lazy fucking useless cunts. You can also swim the [[Thames]] to avoid meeting these people.
 
 
== Travel Advice ==
 
According to the [[London Tourist Board]], if you are considering travelling to London you will need the following items to survive.
 
 
*[[Cockney]] [[Cockney Rhyming Slang|translator]]
 
*Twelve [[gold]] pieces
 
*A face like a smacked [[arse]]
 
*Total disdain for [[Scotland|all]] [[Wales|other]] [[Ireland|human]] [[you|life]]
 
*A Cabby-Speeche Comprehenffion & Guidance Booke
 
*The Sword of Azreth
 
*[[Crone]] repellant
 
*A single bag of [[kitten]]s for bartering
 
*[[Hackney Sandwich]]
 
*A tendency to overact if trying out for [[Eastenders]].
 
*[[Cocaine]] and/or [[drugs|assorted pills]]
 
*A big bag or [[candy|sweets]] or [[alcohol]] to feed the local wildlife
 
*Cyanide
 
 
===Well known London areas===
 
*[[10 Downing Street|Downing Street]]
 
*Brixton
 
*Catford
 
*Ilford
 
*Woolwhich
 
*Plumstead
 
*[[West Ham]]
 
*Acton
 
*Finsbury
 
*[[Sir David Frost]]
 
*Thamsmead
 
*New Cross
 
*Lewisham
 
*Hackney
 
*Tower Hamlets
 
*Penge ("the [[arse]]hole of the [[universe]]")
 
*St. Reatham
 
*[[South Harrow]]
 
...I could go on forever, but I lack the intelligence. It must be also noted my transexual father requires me to talk [[Cockney Rhyming Slang|Cockney slang]] to him... guv.
 
 
==See also==
 
* Tourist Trap
 
* [[Friend]]liness
 
* [[Cockernees]]
 
* [[Mornington Crescent]]
 
* [[London, Texas]] <s> Unyclopedia </s> Wikipedia even claims its existence.
 
 
{{london}}
 
[[Category:Definitely not fucking Texas Cities]]
 
[[Category:Surreal_Places]]
 
[[Category:Greatest Places on Earth]]
 
[[category:london]]
 
[[Category:Cities in England]]
 
 
[[pl:Londyn]]
 

Revision as of 17:45, January 15, 2007

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