It fills my heart with woe to inform you that this Uncyclopedia article is the worst. It tells the unhappy tale of a dreadful narrator named Lemony Snicket, who has the sad duty to write down the unpleasant tales of three tender orphans and their incompetent and vile caretaker, Count Omar. They lead tragic lives, running from the law for crimes they probably did commit.
In this article, you will encounter several stupid and obvious clues, long ramblings with little or no point, me warning you to not read this article, identity theft, and, perhaps, an antidepressant addiction.
Although I am actually paid to write these best-selling books and this article, it is not too late for you to scurry away like a stray dog, to happier, more flower-laden fields.
With no respect due,
Unless you have lived a very unfortunate life, such as my life, I'm sure that you have at some time had the opportunity to see a sea horse. Seeing a C-shaped sea horse in the sea by the sea shore is certainly a sight to see. My life, and the life of the Baudelaire orphans, has not been filled with such frolicsome delights as sea horses, and indeed have been quite depressing - a word which here means "bleak" - and bleak - a word which here means "depressing" - and it would perhaps be best for you and your sea horse-filled life to stop reading this article, X out of this window, and start a new life as a circus performer.
My early life has been lost to the ravages of time. It is very obscure - a word which here means "hidden and out-of-sight". All that remains of this tumultuous period in my life are a few nondescript scraps of paper, an orange teddy bear that smells of salmon, a love letter, and an envelope that I dare not open addressed to a Mr. Jay Sullivan, Jr. All in all, very dreary, and having little or nothing to do with Sea Horses.
VFD is a secret organization, an organization to which my sweet Beatrice and I are linked. Originally, their goal was to prevent fires, full of friendly, volunteers - a word which here means "person who has volunteered" - but it it my depressing duty to report that it did not stay that way. I would like to say that the volunteers remained handy and cheerful forever, stopping fires and helping old ladies cross the street. Maladroitly, this is not the case in reality, and it is my task to report the events as they occurred, regardless of whether or not they could have turned out better. Although it is my task to chronicle my life for this Uncyclopedia article, it is not too late for you to leave. It is too late, however, for my sweet, darling Beatrice.
Sweet, Darling Beatrice
Beatrice was the love of my life until a hideous event caused her untimely death. This event was so painful and tragic that I shall not repeat it here, or in public. It is Beatrice whose name I whimper to myself as I sob in my sleep. It is she that I recall fond memories of when I am on the run from terrible villains. It is her name that I state when asked if a creepy loser like me has ever had a girlfriend. Yet, no matter how many times I yearningly think of her, recite her name, or ramble on about her enigmatic qualities, my love will never return to me. If you have someone you love dearly, like I once did, I advise you stop reading this article immediately and depart from this article like Beatrice departed from me, or else you may lose your love in a similar manner to the way I lost mine.
If you've ever been very, very rich, and then lost it all, you know the pain that comes with the experience. Looking at you, unscrubbed and illiterate, I would assume - a word which here means "know for sure" - that you have never had so much as a non-confectionery PayDay. Nonetheless, the Baudelaires are a prime example of people who have lost all of their wealth, in this case in an unfortunate fire. It is the worst kind of tragedy when people lose their wealth. Oh, and their parents died as well.
The eldest of the Baudelaires, Violet was an ingenious inventor. She uses a hair ribbon to keep her hair out of her eyes whenever she's busy inventing things. She also invented the hair ribbon. Because she used the hair ribbon to invent the hair ribbon, it is very much possible that she also invented the Time Machine.
The only male Baudelaire orphan, Klaus is twelve years of age and enjoys the wonder of learning through books. He would often stay up late through the night, reading books and learning magical things. Although my research has not yet lead me to discover exactly what kinds of books Klaus read, I have a hunch he read what most pubescent boys his age read.
Sunny is the youngest of the Baudelaires. She speaks in simple Gibberish, much like that Rush Limbaugh. Look, I tried subtle political commentary in my books and failed, Ok? Also, she bites things and cooks Gourmet meals, such as burnt toast and undercooked ramen noodles. Even though these aren't exactly the best meals on Earth, they're near prodigal for a baby.
The Sebald Code
The Sebald Code is, as I'm sure you know, a secret code used by Volunteers to send secret messages to each other. The Sebald Code is used between ringing noises. Every eleventh word after the first word is used for the code. If you are not a volunteer, disregard those last sentences.
I believe at this time it is worth putting an excerpt from my favorite theatre plays, The Gloomy Ghetto, by Dr. Gustav Sebald.
Alphonso: Bitch, I pop a cap in yo ass.
<cell phone rings>
Bitch: This cell phone is mine, sorry.
Alphonso: Cell phones suck. I once read an article in some magazine about how bad they suck.
Bitch: They don't sucks, foo!
<shots ring out into the night, Alphonso's phone rings>
<audience laughter, applause. Alphonso exits stage right.>
Did you see the secret message? Didya? Indeed, this article does suck, and it would perhaps be best for you if you left right now.
Lemony Snicket, the Foodstuff
I'm sure many of you reading this article have heard the expression "to bite the dust". The phrase, of course, is figurative. Figurative is the opposite of Literal - a word which here means "I mean what I say, bitch" - and, as such, "to bite the dust" does not literally mean to consume or chew any amount of dust particles. The phrase, figuratively, means to "fall to the ground, wounded or dead". While it is debatable whether the figurative or literal meaning of the word are a more unpleasant experience, it is agreeable that both are not desirable. And although one's dust allergy could certainly make both a worse experience, both are far more acceptable than the repulsive experience of reading this repugnant article.
Unless you are some kind of dust fanatic, I'm sure you would find biting into something sweet and delicious more delightful than biting into dust or reading this article. One such treat would be the Lemony Snicket. A sumptuous dessert made with lemons, beets, a wild snicket, and a large amount of powdered sugar, the Lemony Snicket is a delectable dish to serve a large party during a gregarious social gathering - a word which here means "a gathering of people" - or perhaps to poison an important diplomat from a strange, far-off land. I have eaten many Lemony Snickets in my time, as well as lots of Double Chocolate Chip Ice Cream, yet no matter how many sugary food items I have eaten they will never be able to mend my perpetual melancholy.
This See Also section is, like this article on a whole, cheerless and somber. Although it is my despondent doom to record my life and the life of the Baudelaires, it is not too late for you to... Oh, wait. Nevermind. It is too late for you to leave, because you have completed reading this article. I suppose now you will become a dejected and grief-stricken person, like I once was until I found marijuana. Don't say I didn't warn you.
| Article written in the style of its subject|
This article is written in the real or imagined writing style of its subject. If you do not find it funny, it is probably because you are the type who needed this explained to you. If you still do not find the article funny, that is surely because a joke loses its humor when it is explained. The authors sincerely hope that you will pick up your game and laugh without prompting in the future.