Left 4 Dead

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Left 4 Dead (also known as Right 5 Alive) is a hardcore pornography game, featuring elements of zombieality, S&M and Necrophilia.

“I hate subways, i hate trainyards, i hate vans, i hate the woods, i hate elevators, i hate stairs, i hate hospitals, and doctors and nurses and lawyers, i hate the water, i hate the woods, i hate planes”
~ Francis on what he hates
~ Francis reply back to Bill in the Elavator
“They are not Vampires, Francis. There are ZOMBIES!!”
~ Bill talks Francis in the Elavator
~ Samuel L. Jackson on Left 4 Dead
~ Zombie on on Left 4 Dead
~ Louis on what to do when you see a zombie
~ Zoey on God
“I hate this game. Then again, I hate everything.”
~ Francis on Left 4 Dead
“But wait, you know what I don't hate? I don't hate vests.”
~ Francis on the above comment
“What sick man sends all these INFECTED to fight ME?!?”
~ Heavy Weapons Guy on playing L4D as Bill
“Do you know what I don't hate ? I don't hate my vest.”
~ Francis on His vest
“Why are they so damn fast, seriously? I call zombie hax on that!”
~ Zoey on Zombie Speed
“Who knew killing obese bloated zombies could be so fun?!”
~ Marx on killing a boomer
“I bought this game 1 hour ago”
~ Devon O'Reilly on buying Left 4 Dead
~ Louis on Grabbing pills
“Dark meat just tastes better.”
~ The Hunter on Louis
“Fat bastard stole my look.”
~ Fat Bastard on the Boomer
“Simpsons did it. ”
~ Youtube comment on Left 4 Dead
“I like dual pistols cuz' they make Zoey look cool!”
~ Some retard on zoey lokking cool
“Zombies are bad”
~ Oscar Wilde on Zombies

Team Killing F**ktards

Bill L4D
“Pills here!”
~ Bill on Pills
“Let me touch--I mean heal you, Zoey.”
~ Bill on Healing Zoey
“I swear, you have to heal Bill's wounds all the time. You could make a movie off it. Heal Bill: Volume 1”
~ Me on Healing Bill
“I didn't fight in Nam so you pussies could fart around all damn day, shootin' and takin' pills. And let me tell you another story about how me and....”
~ Bill on annoying you and wasting your time on Left 4 Dead.

A Vietnam Vet who was 75 when he enlisted. In the Vietnam war, he impregnated several Laotian men and created Doc brown, who invented the cure to zombies, which he dubbed the Flux Capacitor. 25 years later he met with Marty and told him of the cure, then Marty traveled in time. The bastard son of a Grue and a Eurg, he is invincible and screams AAAAAAAAA Then in this new infection he changed his name to Bill.

He Also Happens to be Chuck Norris in disguise.

Francis L4D
“I hate this article”
~ Francis on Uncylopedia's article on Left 4 Dead
“Move your ass. I wanna touch it”
~ Francis on Your Ass
“Come on, you hoody wearing pussy!”
~ Francis on You

A Team Fortress 2 fan, angry at L4D for stealing his fame. Francis was a bouncer at The Golden Banana, a gay bar. Then the whole (AIDS) infection ordeal left him out of a job since infected are notoriously homophobic. Hanging up his assless chaps and vowing for revenge, he teamed up with the owner of the bar and his ex-boyfriend to make this world a more tolerant place. They were also joined by post-op Pedobear, now going by his female alias, Zoey. During the events of Left 4 Dead, he is commonly the only one who doesn't take an ass-whooping.

He Also Happens to be Oscar Wilde in disguise.

Louis b07d169af7a16c5aed2ebecd277815316c741328_medium.jpg

“I hate all these MOTHERFUCKING zombies in this MOTHERFUCKING game!”
~ Louis on Zombies
“I thought Obama was bringing change to black people of all races...”
~ Louis on being fucked ALWAYS by zombies
“This shit was not in my pants..”
~ Louis on being beat down by a tank

The token black character, and the best damn office guy in town. His job as an office guy was to go around during the day, doing offices. Offices such as cs_office. VALVe chose to purposely undercook his character development because... hell, no one on the development team wanted to go near that nigger's design sheets. "Make him Samuel L. Jackson," said Gabe Newell. During the events of Left 4 Dead, he is constantly being dragged off by a smoker where he usually reminisces about lynchings. He also enjoys standing out in the open and getting raeped by a horde of zombies. He is also in love with Zoey even though he know that Zoey is a man. He is pretty much the weakest character in the game. He also seems to have an interest in fucking getting your team killed by being a dumbass. He should never have been made. I heard someone say this isn't funny. Well he's black. Isn't that funny enough for you. Gosh!!!!!!!!!!!!!


He Also Happens to be Samuel L. Jackson in disguise.

Zoey 764e7f16c7b77bc188873549ec127479300cab8b_medium.jpg

“OW my balls!...I mean vagina...”
~ Zoey on Herself
“*wretched scream*”
~ Zoey on Key bindings

A team killing fucktard, but a female one, so that means it's not team killing - it's fetishism. Zoey probably used to be some whore, but that's ok - we know she is not immoral. She is merely strapped for cash. And, oh, wouldn't you know, she caught (zombie) AIDS... but that's alright because that was her personal version of the CURE! So now she is IMMUNE! Not from AIDS. From Zombie-ism. During the events of Left 4 Dead, she is commonly Witch Bait. And is always yelling "RE-LOADING!" at the worst times imaginable.

She Also Happens to be Pedobear/Lady Gaga in disguise.

Team Griefer

~ The Horde on Beating You

Top scientists such as Al Gore predict that The Horde come after you after having huge orgy. Which is why the horn of Gondor is blown and all the sudden a whole bunch of Usain Bolt-ified zombies come hurtling at you from some pen where they are being held until released. They proceed to NOM NOM on your faces until you or your teammates blast them all to hell. Oh, and they always seem to go after you, even though Bill is standing 2 feet away from them. Some scientists believe in the past life, most zombie where mexican which explains all of their abilitys to scale fences, borders etc in a manner of seconds and the rest where aborigional since they always get their 'cousins' on you hence when the horn of gondor is played. Usually hunt in pack but some have been found working at cubicles using the phone, coloring, or writing Louis's AI which makes him act smarter than usualy. Which is why he opens every door to make sure that the zombies aren't trying to make him actually do something right. If you are infected, you are able to stare deeply into the eyes of the horde. It's a beautiful site. Like the first time Seth from Superbad heard the beetles. Or when Arnold took his first steroid on his way to be a future tank.

The Hunter 4ce3a5f661069f644d2484f9fbc97748019dd9ee_medium.jpg

“God, they're like...ninjas...only zombified.”
~ Me on the Hunter
“WTF is with the duct tape?”
~ you on the hunters sense in fashion
“SHIT!! IS he Shuffler!!! Let's Shuffle”
~ Australian Shuffler on the Hunter

You can hear this bitch whining and growling when he's around somewhere. Or you know, you could just wait for one of the other characters to go "I HEAR A HUNTER" and then you'll know he's around. He basically glomps you and molests you until a teammate barrels into him. He has learned this humping technique from Pyramid Head. Also watch your head, because they have the reflexes of a ninja, which means they jump REEEEEALLY high.


The Boomer aec0a15b2b15ca6fe7d8ce1785967222128fa655_medium.jpg

“What most American citizens look like today.”
~ Scientist on Boomers

A former McDonalds worker named Jafar Tai-your-shoe-ar who ate 30000 White Castle Burgers (you see, McDonalds workers hate their lives like those guys that test you on the driver's exam and also hate the food they make) and got terrible diarrhea, which he spews out of his mouth. Why his mouth? Well, Francis was actually Jafar's butt buddy back when he/she/it was a woman and accidently forget a dildo up Jafar's hole. Jafar went on a rampage and started attempting to kick down bathroom doors but ended up doing community service for war crimes.

Laxatives won't work, they'll only make him spew diarrhea twice as far. The diarrhea attracts love deprived people who failed prostate exams like Jafar (cause the dildo was stuck there and the doctor ended up losing 3 fingers) and felt sharp pains in their assholes and now they need hugs really badly so they'll hop fences and jump borders just to show you their affection.


The Smoker 15c102489bf707b4a137cad99785b866959a4d07_medium.jpg

“It's actually Gene Simmons, only zombified.”
~ Players on The Smoker's Tongue

Protudes his peen tongue out at you from a distance and grabs you or a teammate up in a love-grasp. If he's not able to pull you to him and wrap you up in a big smoky hug, then he will just let your body hang somewhere till you strangle to death. Bill seems to be BFF with them, what with them huffing and wheezing all the time. Also has the worst hair cut ever known because of the effects of smoking. Also...Smoker's and sewer ladders don't mix too well. It really sucks whenever he's got you in a stranglehold on the ladder, whenever you teammates are doing nothing but running circles and going insane below.


The Tank 379ff26503dadbd84b5506cba0020d9167014af6_medium.jpg

“Fact: Tanks have small willies.”
~ Scientists on Tank's Shlong

The Tank is Arnold Schwarzenegger gone all wrong with his drug addiction ending up as a jobless ex governor of California, when the infection happened he decided to jump back into action and attempt to be like his brother Duke Nukem and kick some alien ass except he fell into the trap of a hooker in a street and got gential herpes which exploded into massive sand bags and now is known as the "Tank". Valve call him 'Hulk', whatever that is. He commonly loves to beat the living hell outta Zoey, so I advise hiding in a nice, safe closet.


The Witch d77792c435de67e629cafc26d82522a54c89a95b_medium.jpg

“when confronted by a witch it is recomended to sneak around however iif you feel that you actually have a penis u just walk up with a shotgun and BLOW THAT BITCH AWAY”
~ Me on left 4 head tutorials
“I blame the emo kids.”
~ The creaters of this game on Witch
“I'm Michael Jackson.”
~ The Witch on who she really is

This is Heather Mills who has finally left Paul McCartney alone, but still claims she is poorer than Woolworths. She cries all day because of the current financial climate. Then, when she hears your guns, and sees your bullets, she thinks "those fuckers have enough money to buy guns and bullets... and I'm here with my pockets empty??" She then starts to beg for money. The result is, she will have you on the floor, you knocked down, as she searches you for your heaving wallet. On weekends she kills Mormons by giving them painful erections that last longer than over nine thousand hours. She's also got a thing for Zoey. No, don't mind Bill, Francis, and Louis standing 2 feet from her. She'll run right by them and go for Zoey.

  • chicago ted screwed a girl and never came back... and so the witch came to be.*



IF all this, frankly too hot for TV action doesn't seem quite enough? The "game" features 4 as-close-to-real-life-as-possible campaigns, each one designed to test your teamwork, itchy trigger finger, and, at times, your spacial awareness. The online capabilities have been fine tuned so that you nearly always find an empty game by the fourth try. Keep your fingers on that "refresh servers" button!

No Mercedes

In this funtacular adventure, Bill, Francis, and Zoey have to try and stop Louis from buying an overpriced Mercedes Benz from an infected car salesman. Unfortunately, Louis buys the car and finds the brake line has been cut, and there is a bomb planted under the seat! If Louis goes under 50 miles per hour, the car will explode. It's a race against the clock! Example of the game:

Death Roll

In this pretty damn cool scenario, Bill, Francis, and Zoey have to try and stop Louis from eating a sandwich he bought from a dodgy, infected vendor. Unfortunately, Louis ends up eating the roll, and Louis finds that he is now infected, and only has 24 hours to reverse the effects! The team travels to the Chinese mountains to find the cure, but increased death threats from the dying office man offputs most of the team! It's a race against lunchtime as the eater becomes the eaten!

Lead Air

In this enjoyable yet mostly short-lived story-riffic journey, Bill, Francis, and Zoey have to try and stop Louis from crashing a truck full of Lead into other traffic on the highway! But to the team's dismay, they fail, and lots of poisonous Lead is released into the atmosphere! The team races against the clock to procure some medication for a dying Zoey, but Louis accidentally sets off a car alarm, and he is killed by the horde and a very excited Boomer! With only three people left to repopulate the Earth, it is a race against time to find a cure for lead poisoning, find a cure for zombie-ism, and then fuck Zoey like she'd never been fucked before!

Dud Harvest

In this REALLY REALLY AWESOME campaign, Bill, Francis, and Zoey have to try and stop Louis from using a combine harvester to mow a farmland full of the Cure! Unfortunately, the black man succeeds, and the Cure is destroyed! Louis is killed in a resulting friendly fire incident. The rest of the Team Killing Fucktards are dealt with when the rest of the zombies come to finish them off! Turns out this is one harvest the reaper won't be reaping in! It's a race against black infidelity as Louis is a total dickwad... again!

The Last Stand (Survival) In this FUCKING HARD Game Mode, Bill, Zoey and Francis have to try and stop Louis from using the Lighthouse to signal his parents who are obviously DEAD! Unfortunatly Louis successes in his retarted plan and instead the Survivors must survive 10 Mins from a whole bunch of Zombies! After you survive 2 Mins however, a Tank gets really pissed off at the fact that Zoey is still alive and takes action... YOU WILL GET OWNED. Or if you actually good at this gamemode, you'll kill him and you will all be able to have a beer... except Louis who got PWNED BY THE TANK 50 MILES OFF THE EDGE OF THE CLIFF!!!!!!!!!!!

Types of Players

Demo Man:
-Played the demo version alot
-Is convinced that he is the best player in the game
-Says this game should have more types of guns/zombies/levels and compares this game to shadowrun
-Beleves that if you win a microsoft sponsered competition you get a magic code for xbox live that lets you play as the witch and/or common infected -Thinks that some where on each level hides a RPG with infinite ammo or a Rare one of a kind special zombie
-Will go on hour long rants on a conspiracy about how Capcom and Valve made L4D together but Capcom dropped out after valve whouldn't allow them to make up new "psudo-zombies" set in a ethnic background
-is most likely expirenced at being any of the below due to the fact he played the demo version for more than 2 years
-Not a black Scottish Cyclops

Shotgun Sally:
- Convinced the shotgun(s) is/are the be all end all
- Uses the Shotgun at long range
- Thinks peeling zombies off you with the shotgun is a good idea
- Usually likes to stand in the back

Petey Pyro:
- Doesn't know what a pipebomb is
- Shoots every gas tank/explosive as soon as it's in sight
- Thinks molotovs are useful when someone is "boomed on"
- Thinks throwing a Molotov on downed survivor with zombies swarming him is the ONLY way to save him

Ricky Rambo:
- Runs ahead of the pack no doubt trying to race to Zombie Genocide
- Complains when he gets jumped by a Zombie Special
- Usually also a Shotgun Sally
- Upon death proceeds to abuse team about how noob they are for not keeping up
- Always rushes the people in the lobby, even if there are only you and him

Health Pack Harry:
- Never shares pills and/or health packs
- Heals himself when in the green/yellow health while you stand there bleeding with red health
- Sometimes a Ricky Rambo

AFK Adam
- Always lobby leader
- Always afk by chapter 2
- Cannot be kicked becasue is leader
- 3 man survivor team recieves anal rape
- Such horrible anal rape
- Returns for finale and complains about score being in double digits
- Promptly excecuted by Justice Justin

Justice Justin
- Vote kick is for pussies
- Does not know how to vote kick
- Responds to all threats (real or imagined) with bullets
- AFK=you die
- Alert horde=you die
- Criticise his skill=you die
- Try to vote kick him=whole team dies
- Always a Shotgun Sally
- Usually a School Master Steve
- Usually under prescription medication
- Sometimes a Competitive Craig

Wally Witch Bitch:
- Must disturb the witch
- Does not know the essence of stealth
- Will never get "Do Not Disturb"
- Will complain when killed by one

Car Alarm Carl:
- Sets off the car alarm... everytime
- Must shoot car.
- MUST.....
- Will run back from the safe room, just to shoot the car on the apartments map
- Almost always a Wally Witch Bitch

Stu Spammy Spam:
- Doesn't know you can turn off the mic once it's been turned on in the lobby
- Plays music in game
- Doesn't hear your pleas to turn off the mic over his own mic spam
- Generally a young male who has not hit puberty yet
- Offenses increase in direct relation to their alcohol consumption

Voice Command Victor:
- Spams voice commands indicating infected presence repeatedly, pissing off teammates
- Spams voice commands of Zoey's screams repeatedly, pissing off teammates
- Spams voice commands "Pills here!" repeatedly, pissing off teammates
- Can also be a Stu Spammy Spam

Norman No-Melee:
- Prefers to shoot the Smoker/Hunter that's got you pinned, even though he's standing right next to you
- When told meleeing is faster, will argue to the death you're wrong
- Almost always in the "dedicated to" category
- Jumps out in the open after being "boomed on" versus finding a corner
- Requires the most healing indirectly making him a Health Pack Harry
- Almost always a Shotgun Sally

Michael Jackson:
- Enjoy's healing and touching Zoey for most of the Game
- Loves rapeing, NO! Fucking NO! disturbing the Witch
- Likes being away from the group
- Goes looking for a Smoker most of the game

Schoolmaster Steve:
- Bosses his fellow gamers around in-game because he perceives everyone else as a stupid pupil (i.e., newb) who isn't taking the game seriously
- When not playing the game, he is writing long forum postings on how other players are stupid and/or publishes various "Survival Guides for Newbs"
- Like a boss zombie, generally ruins the game for everyone else

Kamikaze Karl:
-Will charge a tank with low health and only one cartridge left in his shotgun
-Will try and get the Cr0wnd achievement constantly. On Expert. With pistols.
-Always rushes ahead of the rest of the group, and wonders why he gets picked on by the special infected.
- Must fight a tank on a ledge or quits the match.

Pistol Pump Petey:
- Always uses a pump shotgun and never an autoshottie
- OR Always uses pistols because he "looks cool"
- Has trouble understanding why tanks, witches, all special infected keep killing him.

Friendly Fire Freddy:
- Will shoot you in attempt to shoot zombies near you
- Gets startled easily when you jump in front of you and accidently shoots you
- Claims Expert and advanced are way too hard.
- Often a Shotgun Sally

Take my Sweet Ass Time Terry:
- Must explore every room
- Has always walk turned on
- Can't understand why everyone is in such a rush
- Usually Hunter / Smoker bait
- Ricky Rambo's sworn enemy

Dancing Dan:
- Does not know the meaning of tactical camping
- Is constantly moving
- Usually in front of your line of fire
- Will steal your iPod touch

Competitive Craig:
- MUST kill the most infected
- Gets angry when he/she isn't first on the stat lists
- Weakens the AI characters so he/she can do better than them
- NEVER grateful when someone saves them
- Always cocky when they save someone
- Generally isnt saved when attacked by hunters, then left in every subsequent closet
- Never wants to skip the credits for the sole purpose of seeing himself at the top of every list

No-Knees Nobu:
- Cannot grasp the idea of crouching
- Has difficulty climbing the ladders
- Will never travel to an area that involves climbing or jumping (such as the high roof in the No Mercy finale)
- Always ruins the 'safety first' runs

Sam the Sneaky Sniper:
- Always picks the Hunting Rifle
- Failing that, uses Pistols
- Insists on everyone waiting while he picks of every Infected in the area from afar
- Had Jump Shot and Brain Salad as his very first achievements
- Will always take his time and aim for a headshot
- Even when his target is just two metres away
- Especially when it is a tank
- Gets into strange/useless positions just to have as much distance as possible between him and incoming hordes
- Quite often also a Norman No-Melee and/or Competetive Craig

Quick Match Quinn:
- Always chooses "Quick Match"
- Gets annoyed when campaign is anywhere past the first chapter
- Always votes to return to lobby
- Even after the vote's been turned down by everyone except him
- Does not understand the concept of a failed vote
- Is kicked after excessive failed votes and everyone figures out who he is
- Rejoins just to vengefully be a Ricky Rambo/Car Alarm Carl/Willy Witch Bitch/Insultive Ian and ruin the game for everyone

Boom Box Jacob:
- Always claims to be the best Boomer
- Says that Smokers and Hunters have to attack first
- Thinks he "owned" everyone, even if he only vomited on one person
- Keeps waiting at the wrong spots
- Keeps killing himself when he is not a Boomer

Sergeant Green Bars:
- Claims to have the best internet connection
- Never has any lag, according to his greenbars
- Does not know the net_graph command
- Keeps being annoyed if people try to go back to the lobby to find another server

Nigel Rage:
- Has the command "quit" binded to at least three keys on the keyboard
- Quits after he has lost one round as survivor
- Enjoys playing infected rather then survivor
- His number one rule, if you die as a survivor, you failed, you need to QUIT

Infected Jack Red:
- Only plays infected
- Always starts of playing infected
- When it's time to changes sides, its time for him to change server
- Even though he plays infected so much, he still sucks
- Is usually a Boom Box Jack as well

Will Wannabe Bill:
- Hates everything about Left 4 Dead
- Keeps playing to find more things to hate
- Keeps posting on the forums about how much the game fails
- The only thing he likes about Left 4 Dead is Francis, because he hates everything too
- But eventually he will hate Francis too

Silent Bob:
- Has no microphone
- When hes getting choked out or pounced he fails to tell his team he's being hit (usually happens when everyone's been boomed)
- Never communicates at all

Oblivious Oscar:
- Continues pouring lead into any zombies within a 10 mile radius despite the fact that other players are incapacitated
- Walks right by any incapacitated players
- What health kit? I forgot I had one (you can also insert guns, ammo, bombs, or basically anything remotely helpful)
- Is liable to let you die to a smoker/hunter despite the fact you have 100% health
- More than likely is stoned/drunk off their gourd and is suffering from severely reduced reaction time
- Probably watching porn in the background while playing
- Mic is on so you can enjoy too!

Gas Can Gary:
- Has to pick up every gas can, propane tank, and oxygen tank he sees.
- Has an order to which he prefers and will always drop (and possibly then shoot it) "lesser" containers to pick up a "better" one.
- Will carry a container until he finds a better one or finds a "good use" for it, even if the group is overrun and needs more than a melee attack
- Will try to carefully place the container for "optimal coverage" no matter what the situation
- Almost always a Petey Pyro

Scared Susan:
- Is ALWAYS behind the others.
- Is the player you always go back after, because either she got trapped by the smoker, or she got lost.
- Never returns to help another player.
- Usually a shotgun Sally.
- Always an Health pack Harry.
- Is normally the only player to survive the campaign,and then goes around saying: what a bunch of pussies u where!!! Fuck you all, i rock!! and then she still wonders why nobody accepts her friend invitations.

BBQ KFC McDonald:
- Big fat guy that eats KFC all day playing L4D and Halo 3.
- Accidently shooting him results in voting to kick you out, and send you insulting voice messages calling you the worse player in history.
- Blocks communications with you once he has sent his message.
- Small and Fat, according to his avatar.
- You have earned more achievements than him in L4D, and maybe Halo 3.

Melee Matty:
- Never uses guns, always melees.
- Never uses Pipe Bombs or Molotovs.
- Melees you when he's sick of you, because he can't be bothered talking via the headset.
- Always shoves a Boomer towards you. - Hunter/Smoker/Tank bait.
- Even melees at a Tank, but gets owned.
-Pissed off about wait time update.

Insultive Ian:
- Complete and utter tool that you would want to slap!.
- Constantly calls you gay or a n00b.
- Has a rep of about two.
- Says he's a big, hard, gangster American and is good friends with 50 Cent.
- When he loses, he claims he was using a faulty controller, and then calls you gay.
- Sometimes a Stu Spammy Spam.

Serious Spencer:
- Always stresses at all of the above for not taking the game seriously.
- Never jokes around, the game must be done!
- Trys to kick you out of the game when you accidently shoot him, disturb a witch, set a car alarm off or accidently kill him when you're a Tank and he's a Hunter. Also leaves you bad feedback.
- Leaves server if you don't take his orders, or if he dies.
- Sometimes a Competitive Craig.

Retarded Robby:
- Always ALWAYS runs around wondering where everyone is going when there is a shortcut but starts events like a retard
- Needs atleast one other Retarded Robby to enjoy the game
- Always uses "ghay" or "fag" or "hoe" or even "homo"
- Is somehow the last one to die
- Always has to tell you how scary this game can be and how that zombie about raped him when he is in perfect health
- Always uses Retard Logic

Jerk Off Jimmy/Jill:
- 8-10 year old male/female hybrid puberty experiment gone wrong
- Voice is so girly and manly at the same time that your ears will turn into jelly
- Will remind you of a cat choking on a dick with peanut butter on it
- Always screams and moans, mutual friends with the Witch
- Loves jerking off while playing - his/her player is always replaced with the AI
- Common excuse for 'going afk' - "SORRY GUYS I GOTTA JERK...I MEAN...BEAT UP THIS JERK"
- Has strong forearm and hand muscles.

Aim-Fail Alex:
- Cannot aim for nuts
- Does not understand that shooting you teammates accidentally results in decrease in health
- Always hits the propane/gas can behind you /directly in front of you

Lagger Luke:
- Has the habit of teleporting to the saferoom before everyone else
- Has a framerate of 0.0001fps for a single character
- Always a Special Bait
- Never understands why he always teleports back to an unknown part of the map
- Sometimes complains you are lagging
- Sometimes a Ricky Rambo
- Usually gets kicked within the first few minutes because of their bad internet connection

Planner Patrick:
- Has the unsatisfiable urge to set up everything (un)properly before a finale/survival round in order to kill his team as fast as possible.
- Comes up with "smart" ideas like setting up walls of fire using gas cans (usually in places where incapacitated survivors are) and setting up a chain reaction of propane tanks that usually ends up killing the entire team.
- Always confused about why the rest of the team left after he has spent 30 minutes planning a set-up that will fail in one minute.
- Usually also a Retarded Robby and a Take my Sweet Ass Time Terry.
- Somehow got 25 minutes on the Light House in Survival.

Rush-Ahead Ricky - Can't seem to take his time. - "Gotta get it done! Gotta do it now! Can't wait, can't wait!" - Probably has ADHD - And Tourette's Syndrome. - And your mom.

The AI Director (Not Exactly a Player) - Your. Fucking. Worst. Enemy. - Seems like its a whole lot harder on multiplayer. - Picky Bastard. - Makes everything glitch. - Is actually a glitch itself.

And last but certainly not the least...

The New Player:
- Three or more of the above

Chicago Ted

Chicago Ted once went 156 days without a shower. He chewed some gum, shot some people. He was doing right fine until those damn zombies came.

He heard a screaming mob coming towards him and he grins a little smile to himself. Setting down his bottle of whiskey then took a cigar and lighter from his jacket. *click* Chicago Ted then turned as he lit his cigar and saw a horde of zombies approaching him. Now that he was ready, he took his dual pistols from their holsters and aimed them at the zombies. That horde just continued coming at Chicago Ted but he had the upper hand, he pulled back on those triggers with cool precision and within seconds the zombies were dead.

Chicago Ted then heard "TANK SMASH," coming up behind him. He turned jumping at the same time and kicked off the Tank's face and unloading a few rounds into the Tank's sack. The Tank, shrugged off the wounds and charged at Chicago Ted and Ted just smiled. He took a brief second and looked up at the stars in the sky, then jumped straight upwards almost flying. His hands already in motion with Grue-like skillz he took down that Tank with a single precise shot.

But in a far away room the Director was working away. The director had enough of Chicago Ted, he made the choice he had never made before and selected BUTT RAPE - NO LUBE. Chicago Ted must die.

Soon, Chicago Ted was squaring off against three very angry Tanks. "Tank SMASH!!" said the first Tank. "TANK ANGEE!" said the second. "KILL KILL KILL!" said the third. Chicago Ted straightened his jacket, and walked right up to the first Tank. The Tank moved back a little and Chicago Ted beckoned it towards him. He leaned and whispered words of wisdom in the Tank's ears.

"No zombie is safe from Chicago Ted, motherfucker."

With this, Chicago Ted kicked the Tank in the face utterly destroying it's nose. Chicago Ted then turned, kicking the second Tank in the nads as he unloaded a few rounds into its face. The first Tank stood up looking to the second as both then charged at him. Chicago Ted flew upwards and the first Tank collided with the second, knocking them both out. Chicago Ted smiled again and took a last gulp of his whiskey and threw the mostly empty bottle onto the ground beneath the tank. Then taking the cigar from his mouth and looking into the third Tank's eyes, dropped it. The cigar set the ground a flame, and the Tank too was soon set alight.

“Chicago Ted's work was done.”
~ Chicago Ted on His Work


In left 4 dead, valve introduced a few more cheats.

Cheats can be activated by bringing up the console, typing sv_cheats 1, cheats_enabled 1, bind w kill and bind l kill_louis. Type one of the following to to activate the cheat

Gone_4_Walkies 1

This is the most ambitious cheat. It turns Bill into an old sheepdog, Francis into a bulldog, Zoey into a bitch (dog) and Louis into a raging monkey. This also enables the doggy style sex pose with both zombies and team-mates (Zoey goes oral)

npc_create witch

Type this and press enter, move the mouse pointer a little and repeat. This creates a Frances/Zoey magnet and will helpfully get them out of the game so you can continue alive.


Makes all the zombies attack Zoey. This is very funny as the hunter rips off her nipples. Also very helpfull as they will not attack you for the rest of the round even when Zoey dies, unless you are Louis, in which case they kill you instead.


Instantly chganges you into an invincible Tank. Kill Louis. Fast. Painfully.


Kills all of the team killing fucktards, including Zoey

F10 OR ctrl+F4 (Not in console)

Will randomly give god-mode, noclip, dog-suits or the infamous grue weapon.


Will give the player god-mode and the ability to make all zombies friends.


Enables Zoey's clothes to randomly fall off infront of you... theres a surprise too...

ent_create npc_tank

Will create a tank (Vehicle) to ride around in. (Interestingly, Louis can't get on and instead set on fire)

cl_cmdrate 0

“The ultimate cheat.”
~ Any Homo on Buttsecks
May be fixed.

s23 black snake moan f45

when louis upsets a witch, he is randomly put on a plane full of snakes and is later set on fire!

TD Black Snake Ted Plane Alt-f4

when louis touches a Tank inappropriately, he is randomly put on a plane with Chicago Ted, then found dead and on fire.

Zombies that were cut


Intended to piss players of. Blended into a crowd of zombies before running off and screaming. Abilities given to the boomer (The witch can scream but in a secksual way)

The Dentaler

This is a former dentist that has been zombified, and appears to be a hunter without the hood. He leaps on you, puts on gloves, and begins examining your mouth while asking you questions you cannot answer with grunts. When you fail to answer him, he turns his x-ray machine on you and leaves you to die of severe cancer.


Abilities gived to the hunter and witch. Valve gave no comment.


4 billion feet tall, this monster could mess up the map big style. Thats why it was cut.


Grabbed you and attempted to gamble with you humanity. Always lost. Was cut because it appeared too alive

The incredible hulk

He was replaced by the tank because he killed for no reason.


Wielded a gravity gun. Abilities given to the tank.

Stock Broker

Sold your life to the zombies. Cut for no reason.

Church Guy

Actually in the game but not seen. Apparently he is not a "mental moron". Becomes a hunter, or a smoker,a tank, or a boomer.


Proved to tough a challenge.


Would pretend to be on your side and then would kill all of you.

Chuck Norris

Proved to be very impossible, may also be the cause of the virus.


Proved to give a dis-advantage to Zoey, as they are one and the same.

Safe Room

Would disguise as a safe room and then eat you. Cut because of stupidity.

Cock Blocker

He blocked cocks. Ability given to Zoey.

Anal Rapist

Very self explanatory. Cut cause there's enough anal rape already.

Jason Voorhees

I guess players didn't want to be FUCKING owned by this Guy.

Freddy Kruguer

Players didn't want to be having Nightmares that would KILL YOU after playing Left 4 Dead.

Michael Myers

The Game Makers recieved mail that someone by the name of "Michael" wanted to be in the game, The producers immideatly thought it was Michael Jackson and was declined.

Michael Jackson

Michael Jackson = Smoker QUE ZOEY BOOBS


Everyone likes Mudkips, and no one likes blowing up it's head. Cut because of cuteness.

AOL Spyware Salesman

Now why was this guy cut? Virtually the whole world wants this guy dead.


Well theres alot of reasons why he isn't in the game.....oh wait, nevermind.

Michael Jackson evil half-brother

Thinks Louis is a kid and jump's on him first. Cut because thought to be racist.

The Friendly Zombie that had his way with Zoey

This character was actually a survivor that fell in love with Zoey. After being infected, he gave Zoey zombie AIDS, which made her dump him. He continued to stalk and eventually rape the shit outta Zoey before she shot him. After this ordeal, she decided group sex was the way to go, and got with a black guy, a redneck, and an old white guy.

Needless to say, this zombie was a dick. Having him around just made Zoey mad horny and engaged in zombie sex (which Valve had been trying to slip in unnoticed already).

Saxton Hale

Anagram of Hot Anal Sex.

Busy messing with the spy in TF2. He was to weild the golden machine gun. Cut because he was too similar to Chuck Norris.

Things To Say During Multiplay

“Show me your bloody tits!”
~ You on after shooting Zoey in the tits
~ On Zombies on After Being Attacked, I MEAN... Hugged by those Completely Friendly people
“Oh,I'm just rubbing one out.”
~ You on After Being Caught in the bathroom alone
“How do you shoot?”
~ You on After killing everybody on your team
“What do you mean Zoey's not a girl?!”
~ You on After finding out Zoey's secret
“So...I heard you like buttsecks.”
~ You on witnessing a zombie have its way with Zoey
~ You on being dragged up a ladder by a Smoker while your teammates circle blindly below
~ You on A Witch, then proceed to bang your head on the table, resulting in a concussion
“Why do they always go after me?!”
~ Some Guy Being Louis on on the Horde
“Dammit, someone toss me my cane!”
~ Bill on on After being downed


PCGamer magazine (UK) have had confirmation from Valve that a sequel is in the works, little is known about the details except that it will have twice the player count and is to be called "R8ped by Zombies" and feature 3rd party characters such as Travis Touchdown and Maozilla.


A movie has been rumoured to be in the works. The plot details and story has yet to be revealed as such but Peter Jackson is to direct the film. Fans of the game are skeptical, fearing that he may take the same approach as he did with the "Bored of the Bling" Trilogy.

“We dont want pointy eared F@#%n zombies!!! We dont want hairy footed survivors!!! WE DONT WANT 50CENT! We could do with a shower scene of Zoey though :D ”
~ Huge L4D fan on after being interviewed
“It is common for filmmakers to make crappy game to movie adaptions, Left 4 dead should be no different!”
~ Gabe Newell on stating why the movie is OK!

Several roles have been cast already with only big name actors being chosen to fill the shoes of the survivors and some of the boss infected.


Sean Connery has been chosen for this role. There was some doubt at first that his accent would really not truly represent Bills character, but then again Sean Connery's accent does have more influence then the Force. It is even believed that instead of the "Hand movement" used in the Star Wars movies to demonstrate use of the force, Jedi's would just need to talk as Sean Connery.


Francis will be played by Jason Statham. They look fairly similar, and Stathams hardcore face gives off the fact that he doesnt like anything much, just like Francis. It is only this reason he was chosen. on the other hand Vinnie Jones gives the vibe he hates everyone and everything but they look nothing alike.


Zoey will be played by Milla Jovovich. She looks nothing like Zoey, but she has the experience of several Resident Evil movies under her belt. Who else better to have in a zombie apocolypse?


Steve Urkel is the perfect Louis. He is black, and used to play that nerdy kid with the whiney voice in the old show "Family Matters". Louis is black, he whines, and he always dies first (Possible plot spoiler?). Steve Urkel is perfect!


Michael Moore, a lard ass who spews forth verbal bullshit (strikingly similar to a Boomer), agreed to go ahead and take on the part of the Boomer in the upcoming movie, although he is not a very good actor. Michael Moore reasoned, "The Boomer and all of the infected represent the sick who, unfortunately, could not afford healthcare." He agreed to have tumors implanted on his face to fit the role.


Dakota Fanning will appear as the Witch. After all, she was in War of the Worlds with a scientologist and his alien leader, which is a sure breeding ground for post-traumatic stress disorder and being ugly.


Michael Jackson was chosen to be the Smoker in the Movie because of his unique abilities with his tounge and voice. He and Zoey will save the world from the Infected until the Smoker finally learns that Zoey is a Girl and betrays her.


Some fat guy I've heard of yesterday will play this role.(don't tell others:he eats nachos from "taco bell")


Only two people can make this role: Arnold Schwarzenegger or Barry Bonds. But mostly Barry.

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