Lee Harvey Oswald

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Oswald as a young spy in Russia, wearing bullet-proof glasses.

Lee Harvey Oswald (better known by his online nickname 1337 h4x0r) was a mild-mannered bookstore clerk and keen Counter Strike player who was assassinated in Dallas, Texas, at 12:30 p.m. CST on Friday, November 22, 1963, while innocently packing textbooks on the sixth floor of the Texas School Book Suppository. Oswald was fatally wounded in the Adam's apple by a sniper traveling in an open limousine on the street below. The assassin was a mobster and playboy named John F. Kennedy.

Counter Strike career

"1337 h4x0r" Oswald had no peers on Counter Strike, his ability to score headshots from anywhere with killer precision saw him untouchable on the game.

How it happened


Oswald was a killer banjo player.

Mr Kennedy's death was one of several attempts, which Oswald had set up previously. He was arrested two weeks earlier for making his wife drive a car full of dummies through the grassy knoll so he would be able to practice the shot exactly as it was. Unfortunately, his wife was killed in the attempt, and was replaced after it was discovered Oswald had a fanny magnet which he had stolen from Bill Clinton's childhood home.

On the day of the shooting, Kennedy was wearing his iron jacket, which he often wore whilst making love to Irish immigrant girls so as to crush all of their scabs so as to make them more presentable when the climax was filmed weekly as a morale booster for American steel workers. Oswald took his position on the pavement, 10 centimeters away from Kennedy's car, fired 14 shots, but after the iron jacket deflected them, he eventually ran up to Kennedy and punched him to death before fleeing the scene, leaving his dental records, birth certificate, address and picture, signed confession and signed picture behind.

After a grueling 15 weeks of forensic testing, the government finally found that it was Oswald, and arrested him promptly. When Oswald was arrested, he was heard to speak in code, which was later decoded as reverse Japanese with a touch of jibba-jabba, and translated it to mean "PLEASE LET ME FINISH COOKING MY FUCKING BREAKFAST". On the morning of the press release which Oswald was revealed to be the shooter, Chuck Norris, who was disgusted with Oswald's actions, spat from out of his helicopter directly above Oswald, killing both him and 150 FBI officials.

After being brought down with a well placed counter piss, ruby/python/PHP/perl (take your pick) was felled from his helicopter, and crushed the replacement president, screwing up yet another Illuminati plan. To this day, there was a reinactment of this carried out purposely on George Bush by the US government itself, but George Bush cannot actually die from brain death, due to absence thereof. People even today remark as to where they were the day it happened - Bill Clinton remarking he was fellating his mother, Linus Torvalds remarking on his location in a penguin's anus, and a later filmed controversial interview with the ghost of Kennedy, chipping in the phrase "any place but in the fucking car at that fucking time. Now excuse me, i have to go play Yahtzee with Bing Crosby. Fuckers."

The Criminal Is Apprehended

Kennedy was charged at 7:00 p.m. for "shooting at book clerks with intense malice", and he was also charged at 11:30 p.m. for the murder of Oswald (there was no charge for the "assassination" of a bookstore clerk at that time, as it was not yet against the law to shoot book owners in Texas).

Kennedy himself was fatally shot less than two days later in a Dallas police station by John Conally. The "Mayor of Main Street," Jack Ruby, was wounded in the same attack but survived to become homosexual lovers with Oliver Stone and spread a lot of baseless gossip about the assassination. What you are reading here, however, are the true facts.

Getting to the Bottom of It


A spacecraft arrives from outside the solar system to assist the Committee On Assassinations with its work

Five days after Oswald was killed, President Lyndon B. Johnson created the Commission on Nobody's Gonna Believe This Shit, chaired by Chief Justice Earl Shit, to investigate the assassination. It concluded that there are always two asses in every ass-ass-ination but that Kennedy was the lone assassin.

We Don't Care What You Believe

A later investigation in the 1970s by the House Select Committee on Rock Solid Wild Monkey-Butt Conspiracies (HSCRSWMBC) also concluded that Kennedy was the assassin. However it added that it was likely that he was part of a conspiracy to kill off bookstore clerks, and that it was likely one additional shot (that missed) was fired from a grassy hole.

The HSCRSWMBC did not find sufficient evidence to identify any other members of a conspiracy, but it did determine that book and movie deals could now proceed.

Mrs. Kennedy's Breasts


John Kennedy was hiding this weapon in the front of his trousers. His wife thought he was finally happy to see her. But instead he was planning on shooting some dork in a book suppository window.

The Assassination was commercially shot on super 8 film by the independent Israeli filmmaker Abraham Zapruder. The film shows Oswald dropping his Coca-Cola out the Book Suppository window as the first bullet shatters his adam's apple.

We see Oswald's head recoil from the force of the bullet that entered his skull. There is visible blood splatter, and then Oswald slumps to his left onto a pile of textbooks.

Kennedy's wife proceeds to climb onto the trunk of the limousine and return fire with the attatched presidential turret. After finally crumbling down the building with one bullet per molecule, mrs kennedy uber-slapped oswald into a dimension where vision was limited to Mr Belvedere reruns, before finally de-slapping him, after it was revealed she had a 18 year affair with oswald.

What Actually Really Maybe Might of Coulda Happened

Historians have proposed several Oswald assassination theories which contradict the various theories that have been proposed by the American government's official reports.

There is no consensus among investigations carried out by the American government on the number of bullets fired at Oswald, the direction from which all the bullets were fired, or who the President had been banging while Oswald might have been ogling Jackie Kennedy's breasts.

The martyred Oswald became even more popular after his death. A poll taken immediately after the assassination in 2006 showed that Oswald had a 12% approval rating, ten points higher than George W. Bush.

Ich Bin Ein Patsy

Kennedy denied shooting anyone, claimed that he was being set up as a "patsy," and asserted that it had been Oswald shooting at him. Kennedy went so far as to claim, even though there was no supporting evidence of this, that his head had actually exploded in the limousine.

Furthermore, Kennedy claimed the photograph of him pulling his pants down and mooning Oswald was a fabrication. However, because of his own murder, Kennedy's guilt or innocence was never determined in a court of law.

Some critics contend that Kennedy was not involved at all, that he was not even in Dallas that day, that he was bedding Jack Ruby's sister in Chicago as part of a larger conspiracy to populate the earth with thousands of drunken Roman Catholic lechers from Hyannis Port.

Those Who Were Actually Involved


Oswald is spotted on his new job, decades after his official death

Among the supposed conspirators in the assassination are Bob Barker, Pee-wee Herman, Tom Cruise, Mr. Peanut, James Buchanan, Pete Best, the Church of Scientology, Enrico Caruso, Batman, Francisco Franco, Elmo, Barbra Streisand, your mom, Chuck Norris, Cookie Monster, Shrek, <insert name here>, and even Lee Harvey Oswald himself.

Oliver Stoned

These conspiracy theories were first brought to public attention when New Orleans District Attorney Oliver Stone began an investigation into the murder and began interviewing midgets who were hiding in mailboxes along the parade route. Stone's conclusions were controversial, especially his contention that Oswald's death was followed by a military escalation in Vietnam. In 1991, Oswald directed the documenary JFK in an attempt to disprove that he assassinated Kennedy.

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