“Colliding hadrons is the greatest pleasure one can experience while fully clothed.”
“Commence primary ignition”
“No! Davros, you can't!”
“This shit's about to kick off!”
The Large Hadron Collider, also known as the DESTROYER OF WORLDS, is the largest particle accelerator ever built by humans. It has not destroyed the world yet.  When activated, it will accelerate protons to almost the speed of light, before colliding them at precisely 13.5 billion kerjigatrons. It may also dim the lights all over Western Europe, and possibly will cause human hair to stand up on end as far distant as Sweden. Hailed by some as Earth's own Death Star, the LHC is a milestone in human technology as it is capable of both explaining the universe and blowing it to Hell, unless James Bond reaches the control room just in time to avert it.
The Collider has been built near Geneva, Switzerland by the Cruddy European Rip-off of NASA (CERN for short), and cost approximately 6.4 billion dollars (or, approximately 848 billion Canadians) to construct. Financing was not a problem, as it was achieved by siphoning funds from every one of the many secret bank accounts in the country. In fact, the accounts of the Hussein family exiled in Syria as well as those of the Hitler grandchildren in Uruguay provided sufficient money to purchase the solid gold heated toilet seats that CERN physicists specified as key to the success of the project.
The site of the LHC was carefully selected because of Switzerland's inherent ability to be neutral about everything, including, hopefully, the laws of physics in a scientific experiment. Also, particle physicists are well known for their love of high quality cheeses and chocolates. Another deciding factor was the observation made by researchers that many Swiss women have large breasts and seem to be easily impressed by the title "subatomic particle physicist."
On September 19, 2008, Luke Skywalker, aided by Obi-Wan Kenobi's Force spirit, launched two proton torpedos from his X-Wing fighter into the LHC's exhaust port, causing catastrophic failure of it's superconducting coils and effectively disabling it. Rebel spies have uncovered a new and more powerful LHC being constructed above the planet Endor.
The LHC is due to be activated in a few month's time, which it will be for the next 4 or 5 years.
Attempts at building a Large Hadron Collider have been spotted all throughout history, although it wasn't that obvious at the time as they didn't have the technology we do today. The original Large Hadron Collider was in fact designed and commissioned in the early 1500's by Leonardo da Vinci, who was known for being centuries ahead of his time. We know this due to the recent discovery of blueprints for a fully-functioning particle accelerator in da Vinci's home in Italy. Had da Vinci had the available technology, these blueprints would have produced a particle accelerator superior in almost every respect to the one we have today. However, because he did not have the available technology, and the concept kicked up quite a stink with religious groups of the time, the project was abandoned early on. The blueprints were subsequently screwed up and tossed onto the "discarded" pile along with other designs for a time machine and a Stargate.
The next Large Hadron Collider was built in 1666 by the Freemasons in secret tunnels underneath London, England. Known at the time as Thee Larrge Haydronne Collydere, this version was much more primitive in nature as it consisted merely of two pendulums with huge boulders attached; these would be raised to a horizontal level and then smashed into each other as hard as possible. This experiment was an abject failure as they couldn't keep it cold enough using the technology available at the time - lots of men with buckets of water. This resulted in a fire that destroyed almost the entirety of the South West of England (in an event which due to the London-centric nature of England thought is now known only as the Great Fire of London). This LHC was never revived by competent individuals; however, it is believed to have been recovered after the fire by the Illuminati, though some of the tunnels were later rediscovered and used as part of the London Underground.
After this the secrets of particle colliding were lost into history for almost 300 years, which may have been nature teaching humanity not to conduct experiments in particle physics before the actual invention of particle physics. Then, in 1908, the Russians decided to make another stab at a Large Hadron Collider, at a secret base called Tunguska. Russia figured that its winters would be cold enough to make a successful experiment. Unfortunately, the Tsar didn't know how to keep a schedule, and the Collider experiment took off in the summer rather than in the winter. It promptly attracted a rock from outer space and exploded. That ended the Tsarist attempt at its "Bolshoy Hadronski Colliderski".
During the past 20 years of construction and cooling of the latest particle accelerator, local farmers and residents have experienced UFO activity including phenomena such as unexplained lights, sightings of flying disks, and socks that go missing in the dryer. In the interest of protecting livestock "scareufos" were erected on many portions of farmland to frighten off any mischevious aliens. The scareufos, which took the appearance of the Flatwoods Monster successfully reduced the amount of local UFO activity, however these strange constructions had a tendency to bring back numerous corn-hungry crows that no longer paid any attention to scarecrows built to keep them away. In recent years, a solution was invented to fix the problem of compromising corn for security from extraterrestrials by an engineer from CERN who invented a new kind of pest repelling monument. The statues are 5' 10", made from steel, concrete, and leather and accurately resemble Chuck Norris. They were a complete success and scared away all Crows, UFOs, half the farmers, and a couple hobos that nobody knew about.
Universe's Deepest & Most Embarassing Secrets Exposed
Scientists are hoping that the Collider, in all its somewhat controlled power, will shed some light on mysteries which have been pondered for decades. Questions such as:
- What's the deal with dark matter?
- How can we destroy the Universe?
- Which particle is God hiding in, assuming he is hiding in one of them, which he almost certainly isn't but what the hell?
- What is the answer to Life, the Universe and Everything?
- Are we human or are we dancer?
- Is the cake really a lie? If it is, is it a lie on the molecular level?
- How exactly do you summon Cthulhu? (O R'lyeh?)
- What does a black hole look like from a few yards away?
- Why do particle physicists get laid so infrequently?
- What happens when a Grue, an Eurg, and an Anti-Grue collide?
- How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?
- Why do birds, suddenly appear?
- Should I press that big red button?
- Now that I've pressed that big red button, was it a good idea?
- What's all that noise coming from the collision room?
- Was it really worth going to all that effort only to have Earth crushed into a singularity?
- Why are scientists from the future trying to sabotage this thing?
- What if they kill my grandfather before my father is conceived?
- Is that Keanu Reeves? What the hell is he doing here?!
- When an accelerated proton meets Chuck Norris, does it have enough courage to continue, or does it u-turn and speed away in the opposite direction in a fit of terror?
If the LHC turns out to be a complete waste of time and fails to answer anything, the project will be scrapped, CERN will be shut down and the scientific community will assume that God, Creationism and Intelligent Design had it right all along. Then they can proceed with the long-delayed plans for their Time Tunnel.
What Is It For?
There are four answers and one hypothetical but unconfirmed idea to this question.
The gossip answer is that Large Hadron Collider (LHC) is actually the brain child of H.P. Lovecraft and will in fact bring Yog-Sothoth in to our realm. And Large Hadron Colider will wake up Cthulhu from his eternal sleep. Then he will get Chuck Norris'd.
The commonly agreed upon answer is that the Grue Protection Agency is using the LHC to create more Ubergrues.
The official answer is that it is being used to kill off all the human-eating aliens in the universe by destroying their primary food source.
The true answer is that it is being used as part of a conspiracy by the Freemasons, Cthulhu Cultists, the Illuminati and David Icke to punch a hole in the Van Allen Belt which will allow Satan's Armies to return to Earth and enslave us all. That being said, it will probably kill the human-eating aliens anyway, as they are likely to starve in the absence of food.
The unconfirmed hypothetical idea, proposed by Madame DuBarry, states that the LHC is humanity's last hope and was comissioned by the Illuminati / AWESOME PEOPLE alliance against the invader planet Nibiru in . By this reasoning, the black hole that will be created by the LHC will be used to deflect Nibiru's orbit so it will not pass by near Earth uncausing the predicted geomagnetic perturbances on Earth. This, consequently, will impede the Reptiloids / Reptilians / Reptoids from emerging from their underground lairs to enslave / eat humanity since the Earth's upper atmosphere won't be scrapped off by the unpassing of Nibiru. (The reptiloids, as reptiles, need an extra bit of UV radiation from the Sun to inhabit Earth's surface. In their underground lairs, inside the Hollow Earth, they have artificial Suns which do really not compare to the real thing, but at least enable them to survive until the next passing of Nibiru, provided there is not another Chicxulub Event.) The Large Hadron Colider will thus open a time-space portal and bring Cthulhu and his minions to the earth, where he and Xenu will have their final showdown.
Cap'n Peter "Bloody" Higgs was a notorious pirate and part-time physicist. When he wasn't plundering Spanish gold shipments around the Caribbean he would be found at the University of Edinburgh messing around with particle physics. In both of these ventures he was helped by his Bo'sun (whose name has been lost to history), the only member of his crew he trusted to neither nick off with all the booty nor try to tell him his theories were wrong. It was during testing of the Really Small Hadron Collider (essentially a working model based on the blueprints for the original LHC) that the unfortunate Bo'sun accidentally looked directly into the beam and was dispersed into elementary particles. Higgs was distraught and afterwards all his research was dedicating to finding traces of his trusty companion who Higgs believed was now to be found in the middle of every single atom ever.
It is believed by the surviving members of Higgs' scurvy crew, many of whom now work at CERN, that the Large Hadron Collider will be able to reconstitute the Bo'sun so he can tell them where the gold is.
Producing Fast Food
Scientists claim that Large Hadron Collider may produce strange matter. Upon success this will resolve food shortages around the world and all the children in Africa will live happily ever after. CERN has already signed an agreement with McDonalds to distribute strange matter. The fast food chain is set to introduce the McStrangelet in Europe in the begining of April 2010. On the other hand, in the extremely unlikely event that it extinguishes all life on Earth, no-one will be suffering from hunger any more; so, it's a "win-win" anyway! The LHC is also known to make microwave burritos more delicious, at a range of up to 1800 kilometers.
A group of scientists argued the LHC will produce the end of our world within milliseconds after a non-important black hole (NIBH) will be produced. However they demonstrated our universe will be automatically translated into a parallel universe. All the properties of our world will be conserved and all the laws of physics and economy will be identical and all the people and animals will be duplicated into the new universe with only one exception: Britney. The scientists have yet to figure what is going to happen with Britney and with our world (in the new universe) without her. So far one remark has been made, to modify the lyrics of one song into "It's no Britney, Bitch!".
As the quest for the best possible sexual satisfaction continues, scientists have gone to great lengths in order to bless mankind with the best orgasms possible. The LHC is simply a tool for locating the mythical "G-Spot". Where previous exploits have failed, the LHC shows promise to locate this long forgotten and mysterious gem. It is widely accepted that the LHC is by far the best tool in order to find the G-spot. Either that or a penis, but we all know how well that's been working out.
How Does It Work?
The LHC will fire two beams of supersymmetrically strung 48-dimensional hadrons in opposite directions around the "doughnut", which is called the doughnut because all the workers kept sniggering when anyone said "ring". Accelerator magnets - designed in conjuction with Hornby, whose Scalextric product inspired the idea of powering the LHC with electricity instead of dogs on treadmills - will keep the particles going round and round getting faster and faster until they reach the speed of light and achieve what is known as Hyper-Mega-Quantum-Tronic Warp Speed™.
Once Hyper-Mega-Quantum-Tronic Warp Speed™ has been achieved, the Overseers at CERN will collectively press a big red button in a highly dramatic fashion. This, while being quite impressive, won't actually do anything; after pressing the button the Overseers will secretly signal to a camera which leads to a grimy control room in a basement. The signal will be interpreted by a disgruntled workman, who will then start to type away at an old computer whilst muttering to himself, which will be much less dramatic indeed. This is why the elaborate display on the floor above with the big red button has to take place - it is a lot more interesting to watch.
Once the disgruntled workman types enough commands into the old computer, it will send out an electromagnetic beam to punch a hole in the Van Allen Belt and send a microscopic black hole to the centre of the Earth which only Satan and his minions will have the technology to deal with, thus creating the situation in which we have to accept them as our overlords or they'll just let the Earth and everything on it be sucked into an area approximately the size of the average McDonald's burger's vitamin content.
An alternative use is time travel, but, so far, the only person to use it for that purpose is Karl Rove, who went back to the 90s to mess up ballots and elect Bill Clinton, because as we all know no sane society would ever elect such an abomination of a human being to office.
Though the LHC has not yet destroyed the world in a supermassive black hole, this is only because the LHC has only created localized wormholes that lead to mirror dimensions. These wormholes are only being supressed by scientist playing videos of Chuck Norris to them while they sleep. It's entirely possible that some parallel Earths have already collapsed into black holes as a result of their own LHC activations, but they are probably busy with their own disaster relief efforts to bother to e-mail us about it.
Scientists expressed disappointment at the lack of destruction. Infact they were so disgusted that they've headed straight back to the drawing board and planned something involving "a sea of coca-cola and 40 tonnes of softmints". We're unclear on the exact science, all we know is that we're all going to die. However, the LHC has broken down twice in preliminary testing, leading many to believe that the improbability level in its workings has caused it to collapse in on its own concept. The improbability of the event is in accordance with its parts and their efficiency:
In Popular Culture
- The Large Hadron Collider is to feature heavily in Pixar's next movie, It's Particle Time, which is scheduled to be universally released in early 2012, if the Earth still exists by that point. The movie is a simple story of two elementary particles and the love they have for each other. The tragedy is that one of them is an antimatter particle, and so the relationship can never be. Or can it? John Ratzenburger stars as Strange Quark, and Cameron Diaz stars as Anti-Neutrina.
- The song You Spin Me Round by Dead or Alive was written from the perspective of a proton in the Large Hadron Collider.
- Popular videogame Halo centers around a series of extremely large, circular objects floating in space, that have the potential to destroy the universe. These are the LHCs of previous societies.
The end of the world is currently postponed, as the LHC is in a state of shutdown. The official CERN statement released to the world media claims that the shutdown was due to the discovery of a dangerous helium leak. However, a secret document let loose by the idiots at MI6 states that the shutdown was, in fact, an attempt to clean up the global economy so we wouldn't look like a laughing stock to the advanced extraterrestrial civilizations that observe us. Prime Minister Gordon Brown offers more of an insight:
Imagine what they'd be saying. "Look at those idiots. Not only is their planet being destroyed by a black hole they themselves created, but their global economy is in ruins while it's happening. Any planet that stupid DESERVES to die." Well I for one won't have it. Before this planet goes down, we WILL restore our broken economy. Then, as our home planet is slowly compressed to nothing, we can sit back and relax knowing that we're a clever and responsible race of human beings.
There you have it. The entire shutdown is merely our governments getting the global economy neat and tidy for Doomsday. So for now, the LHC remains an utterly useless, 17-mile-wide waste of 6 billion euros and 20 years of sweet, blood and tears. It will remain so for the entire winter period, as most of the workers threatened to complain about the cold weather if it didn't.
The next breakdown is scheduled for around mid-September 2009.
Update: The Deeper Conspiracy
The truth is that it's more complicated than what you've read above. In actuality, Chicago's Fermilab (home to what is currently the world's largest working particle accelerator) was behind the LHC shutdown. After Chicago lost the Olypmics, the Fermilab people decided they could not afford to give up particle physics supremacy to the LHC, since then Fermilab would cease to secretly control the world. (What, you didn't know that the people at Fermilab secretly control the world? Everything from the stock market to Middle East terrorism! And they aren't really "people" at Fermilab, they're actually time-travelling aliens from the 24th century who were dispatched to 21st-century Earth to work as temporal agents so that they could take over the timeline.) But they didn't want to outwardly oppose the LHC's construction, since this might cause some native of 21st century Earth to get suspicious and uncover the whole conspiracy. Instead, they infiltrated the LHC collaboration and rigged all the equipment. There's a big yellow button in the Fermilab control room, and pressing the button instantly blows up random pieces of LHC apparatus. The secret document supposedly leaked by MI6 was actually planted by Fermilab, in order to make us all think that world governments were behind the LHC shutdown. But DON'T BE FOOLED!
And you weren't supposed to have read the previous paragraph, because now YOU KNOW ABOUT THE CONSPIRACY TOO and the temporal agents will have to wipe YOU off the spacetime continuum as soon as they get around to it. Sorry, you lose.
- ↑ http://www.hasthelhcdestroyedtheearth.com
- ↑ Oy, you! Women! Sleep with some of these dudes or we're all doomed.
- ↑ In order to minimise construction costs, this will be located above ground at Bob Jones University or some other shithole that has yet to enter the 19th century.
- ↑ http://doomsdayind.wordpress.com/2009/07/09/burrito-particle-accelerator-delicious-cubed/
- L.H.C for a less scientific, simplified version of this article, prepared for simple everyday people!