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Laos is a global superpower located in Southeast Asia. The Laotians have been a dominant force in every major military battle for the last 2500 years. Using first their tactical advantage with Gyno Pachyderm Menst-Titans (Giant Enraged Menstruating she Elephants) and later their superiority in Land Frigate technology, they have been the deciding factor in every world conflict in all of modern recorded history.
The Laotians have always been known as an unruly bunch. Often affectionately referred to as "The Irish of Asia" (although not where they can hear). Their propensity for fighting was legendary long before China's great dynasties. Legend goes that one day in the travelers market a visitor from Hunan bet a Laotian 20 keks that he couldn't kick the shit outta another visitor from Nanzhao (a business rival in the burgeoning Hintai Lithograph trade). The Laotian soundly defeated the Nanzhao, took his money, got his 20 keks, then kicked the shit outta the Hunan, and took his money as well. That night at the local pub he uttered the famous quote that would change Laos forever: "We've been kicking the shit out of people for free when there are crazy foreigners willing to pay us to kick the shit outta them!"
Within months, there were millions of Laotians in neighboring countries offering their services as professional ass kickers. Nearby countries soon learned that not hiring them would leave millions of jobless Laotians in their streets all ready to deliver some serious whoop ass. One can imagine the inevitable results. This led to some of Laos' most humorous slogan apparel shirts, like:
- "I kicked the shit outta Hunan, and all I got was this lousy shirt"
- "I kicked the shit outta Myanmar, and all I got was a British National
- "I kicked the shit outta Vietnam, and all I got was some black pajamas"
- "I kicked the shit outta Cambodia, and all I got was some torture postcards"
- "I kicked the shit outta Thailand, and all I got was the crabs"
The Laotian Uber Men
Adjacent nations soon learned the best way of dealing with the problem was to hire one half of the visiting Laotians to the kick the shit outta the other half (something they had been doing for free for 10,000 years). At first this worked well with few survivors, and thus little money to pay. This plan worked for thousands of years, however it eventually created a race of Laotian ass kicking super men.
Things continued this way for some time until the Mongols showed up from the far north. In many respects the Mongols were much like the Laotians especially in their mutual love of ass kicking. The one notable difference however was that the Mongols had to travel thousands of miles to Heilongjiang, or Gansu for a decent fight, which led them to first kick the shit outta horses and then ride them into China for some serious rest and relaxation (raping and pillaging). The Mongols saw a kindred spirit in the Laotians and enjoyed their company so much that in the off season, when they weren't kicking the shit outta China, East Asia, the Middle East, Africa, Western Europe, and Wales, they retired to Laos for 'fun time'.
The Pussy Mongols Leave
The Laotians gained a lot from this interplay, the foremost of which was the love of technology and new techniques of ass kicking. Also the Laotians learned that while kicking ass was fun, drunkenness, rapine, and pillaging had their merits as well. Together they formed SEAMAKS (the South East Asian Mutual Ass Kicking Society). It was around this time that the Laotians, inspired by the ass kicking qualities of a man on horseback (often wielding a former opponents genitals as a club), invented the Gyno Pachyderm Menst-Titan (Giant Enraged Menstruating she Elephant). Although not as fast or mobile as a horse, it was generally agreed to be the most ass kickingest machine ever invented to date. This caused a schism in the vacationing Mongol community. Some were quoted as saying, "No fair you cheated!", while others were said to have uttered, "That's the shiznet baby!". So the horse Mongols left and returned to Mongolia, where they later learned the joys of vitamin A deficiency. The non-pussy Mongols stayed and intermarried thus adding even more ass kicking goodness into the already potent Laotian stock.
Getting Serious About Ass Kicking
Since the formation of SEAMAKS the Laotians had been leaving their neighbors alone for a while. This abruptly ended with the departure of the 'phallequines' (horse fuckers) and under the leadership of King Pho "The Raging Mongol" Khun Ramkhamhaeng (aka Orange Chicken) they set about forming 'housewarming' parties for all adjacent lands. Wrote one Lao, "If kicking the shit outta your neighbor is fun, then kicking the shit outta your neighbor, taking his money, his women, and his land is more fun."
Eventually (because She Elephants with PMS walk so damn slow) the Laotian Empire stretched from Glastonbury to Yakutsk, and from Finland to Swaziland. The Laotians soon learned however that they were not well suited for empire building. For while kicking the shit outta people was fun as hell, roughing them up now and then for taxes was totally weak and boring. So under the leadership of Fa "Move or I'll Smash Your Face With My She Elephant" Ngum (aka Broccoli Beef), Laos made a collective decision to abandon empire building in favor of random acts of violence and mercenary work. One notable artifact of this period in history was a growing love of all things nautical by the Laotians, (while being utterly inept at sailing, and living in a land locked country). Wrote Broccoli Beef, "We can conquer all men everywhere, but Laos will never be complete until we have kicked the shit outta the ocean."
Thus did the Laos people finally come to terms with their true path to happiness; mercenary work. While invading a neighbor was good for laughs and chuckles (or like Vietnam and Cambodia, good for a day at the beach), the only effective way of ensuring near 100% ass kicking uptime was to become mercenaries for hire. Kung Pao Chicken summed it up best when we stated, "Someone is always fighting somewhere and they aren't letting us join or paying us shit." Thus was formed the Laotian Association of Mercenaries, Brawlers, Counter-Insurgents, Hit-Men, Ombudsman, and Phellatists. (LAMBCHOP). LAMBCHOP has been the deciding force in EVERY battle for over 2500 years now.
The Laotians under LAMBCHOP continued to rent their services out to the side with the most gold, beer, and whores, but they never lost their peculiar love of the ocean acquired from their former Empire days. Such organizations as the Vientiane Royal Yacht Club, the Luang Phrabang Kayak and Rugby Association, the Savannakhet Deep Ocean Swim Team, and the Pakse College of Naval Warfare all served to reinforce this phallameric sentiment. It was around the 1500's that some enterprising Laotians decided to do something about it. They built ships according to specifications from Portugal, and then added giant wheels. Finally some war elephants were added on treadmills below decks and thus was made the first Laotian Land Yacht. For a while it was hit or miss. Such designs as the Land Laundry Barge, or the Land Luxury Liner were tossed, but eventually was perfected the mighty Laotian Land Frigate. Other nations scoffed at this unique manifestation of Naval Warfare, often calling the Laotians 'Boat People'. This usually lasted until the Laos showed up with their mighty armada of Land Frigates, full of angry (sober) Laotians, and fully armed with elephant shit cannons.
It should be noted that the Laotians only rode in Land Frigates to get from place to place, usually considering it too British (pussy like) to hide inside during battle. This may seem like an unsound tactic, but most opposing forces expected them to hide inside and thus were usually taken unawares when the main Lao host would come up from behind and bugger them in the wazoo.
Laotian War Ingenuity
With the exception of Gyno Pachyderm Menst-Titans, and Land Frigates the Laotians were not known for many original inventions. However they are known for taking the inventions of other cultures and improving them. Such Laotian improvements to common inventions include:
- Mach 3 triple bladed katana
- Throwing star shotgun
- Genital magnifying glass (psychological warfare device)
- Elephant shit cannon
- Starving rabid squirrel musket
- Lao-Fire (like Greek fire, but lasts longer so you can cook kabobs on it)
- Khaen (Based on caning from Thailand, the Lao-Khaen was thicker and made with aerodynamic holes for better whack force. Unlike a pussy Thai-caning when a Lao Khaened you, you fucking stayed Khaened.)
Laos can be divided into various subgroups of the original Lao-Mongol uber-kreigers based roughly on where they like to kick the shit outta people the most. These include:
- Lao ("Kicking the shit outta you on the plains")
- Hmong Yao, Dan, and Shan ("Kicking the shit outta you in the hills")
- Lao Thung ("Kicking the shit outta you in the foothills")
- Lao Sung ("Kicking the shit outta you on the mountaintops")
The national dance of Laos is the Mekong Hula.
- Laotians discover the fun of mercenary work.
- Laos invents the Gyno Pachyderm Menst-Titans (Giant Enraged Menstruating she Elephants)
- Laos conquers the known world, then gets bored and goes home.
- LAMBCHOP (Laotian Association of Mercenaries, Brawlers, Counter-Insurgents, Hit-Men, Ombudsman, and Phellatists) is formed for shits and giggles.
- 1200bc Trojan War. LAMBCHOP comes upon an untenable siege between the Trojans (inside) and the Spartans (outside). While the Spartans were dicking around with ghey horse statues, LAMBCHOP makes a ramp of Elephant shit up the walls (back way) and sacks the city.
- 431bc Peloponnesian War. LAMBCHOP generally annoyed by the word 'Peloponnesian', kicks the shit outta them, the Greeks, the Athenians and anyone else nearby. The side that got the least ass kicking is declared the 'winner'.
- 334bc Alexander The Great decides to 'conquer the known world', so naturally he consults LAMBCHOP. The Laotians reportedly replied, "Been there. Done that, but worth another go if you buy the beer" and the rest is history.
- 73bc Having met Spartacus at a pub, LAMBCHOP decides it would be fun to kick the shit outta Rome with some former gladiators.
- 0 LAMBCHOP takes a break to watch the Romans crucify some nameless Jew. One LAMBCHOP member is quoted as saying, "If you'd had a fucking elephant you wouldn't be up there now, would ya?!"
- 132 Third Jewish-Roman War. Romans bid nothing, the Jews try to bargain the LAMBCHOP merc fee down further, you can guess how that turned out.
- 533 For a fee LAMBCHOP gives hands on instructions to the Vandals tribe in the fine art of breaking and defacing things. The Vandals use this new found skill to good effect from Germany to North Africa.
- 1096-1291 The Crusades. After learning that the Saracens forbid all alcohol LAMBCHOP joins the Christians in the various crusades at a reduced fee on general principles. At the same time LAMBCHOP was also helping to drive the Moors from the Iberian Peninsula for the same reduced fee. It should be noted that every battle the Christians lost was because LAMBCHOP was currently fighting on the other front.
- 1223 LAMBCHOP joins their kin and buddies for the Mongol invasion of Russia, in Laos this is often referred to as, Scotchtoberfest.
- 1337-1453 Hundred Years War. Made infamous in the Lao song, "We're gonna party like it's 1399!" LAMBCHOP supported both sides at various times depending on which unsacked cities had the best supply of beer and whores.
- 1500 Laos invents the dreaded Land Frigate.
- 1520-1700 Having heard there was good cervesa and fresh virgins in the new world LAMBCHOP helps the Spanish conquer most of Mexico. Laotians learn the joys of carne asada and the Tijuana donkey show.
- 1596 LAMBCHOP joins the Cudgel War in Finland just because fighting with cudgels sounded fun (and it was fun for a while). After 2 week the Laos get bored and leave. The peasants eventually lose.
- 1640 LAMBCHOP first enters North America to fight in the Beaver Wars. After learning they had read the memo wrong they decide to stick around and kick the shit outta the Algonquin for the Iroquois.
- 1775 America convinces LAMBCHOP that the British are tasty and fun to eat. This turns out to be true, but so are Americans, Canadians and Mexicans. Still LAMBCHOP fills up on Brits first and thus American casualties are light.
- 1803 Napoleon invites LAMBCHOP to a 12 year party in Europe. LAMBCHOP accepts.
- 1810 LAMBCHOP comes back to Mexico for more cervesa, carne asada, and chicas. They stick around to kick the shit outta the Spanish for the Mexicans. Mexico invents Horchata rice drink for their new Laotian buddies.
- 1860 LAMBCHOP comes back to Mexico for even more cervesa, carne asada, and chicas. They stick around to kick the shit outta the invading French. Thus was made the Holiday 'Cinco de Lao' (later changed to Cinco de Mayo due to pronunciation problems)
- 1914 World War I. Originally employed by the Kaiser, LAMBCHOP helps Germany kick the shit outta France. Unfortunately the Kaiser got drunk one night and made a disparaging remark about a Laotian's wife, causing them to switch sides to the English. While marching on Germany they made sure to kick the shit outta France one more time just for fun.
- 1939 World War II. In an almost comical déjà vu, Hitler follows in the Kaisers footsteps, except this time making fun of the Laotian Land Frigates. You know the rest.
- 1946 Communists backed by LAMBCHOP take over all of mainland China. When the Communist try to stiff LAMBCHOP on the Merc fee, they take the side of Taiwan for free just to show the Commies who's da man.
- 1956 Suez War. Having learned their lesson with the Romans 1900 years earlier, the Jews pay full price for LAMBCHOP support in wining the Suez War against overwhelming odds. One deciding factor for LAMBCHOP's aid of Israel was the generous beer bonus, which the Arabs failed to match (cuz they don’t drink).
- 1962 Vietnam War. Originally started as the Laotian version of the 'Cub Scouts' the Viet Cong turn out to be so successful that even Lao teenagers join up to get in on the fun.
- 1967 Six Day War. Thinking the Laotians were preoccupied with Vietnam the Arabs attempt to destroy Israel again. Israel offers lifetime free beer, and LAMBCHOP takes a week off of Vietnam to bail Israel out once again.
- 1977 Cambodian-Vietnamese War. The wildly popular Viet 'Lao Cub Scouts' Cong, led to the formation of the Khmer 'Lao Girl Scouts' Rouge. Not so much a war as a series of LCS/LGS 'group activities' lasting 14 years.
- 2004 2nd Iraqi War. George W Bush contracts LAMBCHOP for the stunning defeat of Iraq in the first 2 months of battle. Bush decides to try and save money and in the 3rd month says to LAMBCHOP, "Ok we'll take it from here dudes," thus ensuring that America never wins.