Kurdish Military Industries

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{{VFH}}
 
{{VFH}}
[[File:Terror 1.jpg|thumb|Providing [[customer satisfaction]] since 1988.]]
+
[[File:Terror 1.jpg|thumb|Providing [[customer satisfaction]] since [[1988]].]]
 
{{Q|Cheap and Somewhat Effective|Lettering above the main entrance to KMI Headquarters}}
 
{{Q|Cheap and Somewhat Effective|Lettering above the main entrance to KMI Headquarters}}
'''Kurdish Military Industries Ltd.''' (KMI) is an [[weapon|arms]] manufacturer and distributor based in Jihadabad, [[Iraq|Kurdistan]]. According to Janes' Armaments Review, KMI is the world's largest producer of suicide vests.
+
'''Kurdish Military Industries Ltd.''' (KMI) is an [[weapon|arms]] manufacturer and distributor based in Jihadabad, [[Iraq|Kurdistan]]. According to Janes' Armaments Review, KMI is the world's largest producer of [[suicide]] vests.
   
 
KMI is an arm of the holding company ''AlQaedCo'', which also owns ''Turkmenistan Aerospace Industries'' and the ''Afghanistani Advanced Electronics Corporation.'' It is a major weapons supplier to the [[Taliban]] and the Kurdish [[Labor|Labour]] Party.
 
KMI is an arm of the holding company ''AlQaedCo'', which also owns ''Turkmenistan Aerospace Industries'' and the ''Afghanistani Advanced Electronics Corporation.'' It is a major weapons supplier to the [[Taliban]] and the Kurdish [[Labor|Labour]] Party.
Line 8: Line 8:
 
==Origins: The suicide-vest years==
 
==Origins: The suicide-vest years==
 
===First Generation===
 
===First Generation===
KMI was established in 1981 by '''Izmíl Shakush''' as the Kurdish Medical Industries. Its first product-line was the A-line suicide vest which it marketed to the terminally-ill and mentally-retarded as a one-shot, instant painkiller.
+
KMI was established in [[1981]] by '''Izmíl Shakush''' as the Kurdish Medical Industries. Its first product-line was the A-line suicide vest which it marketed to the terminally-ill and [[retard|mentally-retarded]] as a one-shot, instant painkiller.
   
Medical supplies attracted a much less punitive VAT rating than armaments allowing KMI to maximise profits. Incidentally, the peculiar efficacy of KMI's innovative analgesic and the permanence of its effect gained KMI several hundred dollars of additional research funding from the International Red Cross and Red Crescent.
+
Medical supplies attracted a much less punitive VAT rating than armaments allowing KMI to maximize profits. Incidentally, the peculiar efficacy of KMI's innovative analgesic and the permanence of its effect gained KMI several hundred [[dollars]] of additional research funding from the International Red Cross and Red Crescent.
   
The first-generation suicide vests consisted of little more than a wind-cheater lined with construction-grade [[TNT]] and a fuse/lighter detonation system concealed within the sleeve. Ignition was manual and the proximity of the fuse to the operator's skin frequently caused severe burns. This apparent design-flaw caused operators such pain that most were sent into fits of screaming. However, it also gave the operator 15 seconds to reconsider his decision and put out the fuse.
+
The first-generation suicide vests consisted of little more than a wind-cheater lined with construction-grade [[TNT]] and a fuse/lighter detonation system concealed within the sleeve. Ignition was manual and the proximity of the fuse to the operator's [[skin]] frequently caused severe burns. This apparent design-flaw caused operators such pain that most were sent into fits of [[screaming]]. However, it also gave the operator 15 seconds to reconsider his decision and put out the fuse.
   
The first generation vests hit drugstore shelves in late 1981. After several dozen were sold, Technical Support began to receive reports of a serious design flaw: The suicide vests were killing not only the operator, but also innocent bystanders. This was the first, though by no means last, incident in which KMI products had caused collateral damage.
+
The first generation vests hit drugstore shelves in late 1981. After several dozen were sold, technical support began to receive reports of a serious design flaw: The suicide vests were killing not only the operator, but also [[civilian|innocent bystanders]]. This was the first, though by no means last, incident in which KMI products had caused collateral damage.
   
As a result, in early 1982 KMI issued a global recall and the product was taken off the market.
+
As a result, in early [[1982]] KMI issued a [[Earth|global]] recall and the product was taken off the market.
   
 
===Second Generation===
 
===Second Generation===
 
[[Image:Monkdds.jpg|thumb|right|The third-generation vest took off, as did its wearer.]]
 
[[Image:Monkdds.jpg|thumb|right|The third-generation vest took off, as did its wearer.]]
In 1982 KMI's R&D team started working on a Second Generation model of suicide vest. The new model used an electric detonator, eliminating the 15-second delay between decision and deployment. Although this model was also marketed as a painkiller, it was widely used as a weapon by Afghan Mujahedin who exploited the "design flaw" of the product to the discomfort of occupying Soviet troops.
+
In 1982 KMI's R&D team started working on a second-generation model of suicide vest. The new model used an [[electric]] detonator, eliminating the 15-second delay between decision and deployment. Although this model was also marketed as a painkiller, it was widely used as a [[weapon]] by Afghan Mujaheddin who exploited the "design flaw" of the product to the discomfort of occupying [[Soviet]] troops.
   
KMI was outraged by this misuse. The company's CEO stated on the company's website that "It is completely immoral and inhumane to use medical technology designed to benefit the lives of the useless to perpetrate acts of wanton violence."
+
KMI was outraged by this misuse. The company's CEO released a statement that said, "It is completely immoral and inhumane to use medical technology designed to [[end|benefit]] the lives of the useless to perpetrate acts of wanton violence."
   
Consequently, the name of the company was changed from Kurdish Medical Industries to Kurdish Military Industries, retaining the initials '''KMI'''. As an unforeseen result, KMI's VAT break was with drawn, as was their Red Cross funding, causing a 37% decline in share-price which was recouped instantly when 1982's profits forecast was exceeded before the end of September. Shortly after in 1983, KMI was acquired by the AlQaedCo conglomerate.
+
Consequently, the name of the company was changed from Kurdish Medical Industries to Kurdish Military Industries, retaining the initials '''KMI'''. As an unforeseen result, KMI's VAT break was withdrawn, as was their Red Cross funding, causing a 37% decline in share-price which was recouped instantly when 1982's profits forecast was exceeded before the end of [[September]]. Shortly after in [[1983]], KMI was acquired by the AlQaedCo conglomerate.
   
 
===Third Generation===
 
===Third Generation===
It was not until the revolutionary third generation that KMI's suicide vests were popularized worldwide. The third generation suicide vests were built using powerful military-grade plastique explosives individually moulded to the wearer's body. This was built into a vast array of garments, as opposed to just vests, allowing KMI to become a minor hit at Tehran Fashion Week. It also utilized a remote controlled radio detonation module, as wearers were often women and children and it was often difficult to explain the need to operate an actuator for a piece of clothing. Moreover, as the cadre of suicide bombers does not possess the required intelligence nor experience to operate the product correctly - remote control ensured a 100% rate of success and severe collateral damage.
+
It was not until the revolutionary third generation that KMI's suicide vests were popularized worldwide. The third generation suicide vests were built using powerful military-grade plastique explosives individually molded to the wearer's [[body]]. This was built into a vast array of garments as opposed to just vests. This caused KMI to become a minor hit at Tehran Fashion Week. The vest also utilized a remote-controlled [[radio]] detonation module, as wearers were often [[women]] and [[children]] and it was difficult to explain the need to operate an actuator for a piece of [[clothing]]. Moreover, as the cadre of suicide bombers does not possess the required [[intelligence]] nor experience to operate the product correctly - remote control ensured a 100% rate of success and severe collateral damage.
   
The third-generation suicide vests were mass produced and marketed for Middle Eastern clients (including Hezbollah, Hamas, and several other undisclosed customers) with huge success. Particular success was achieved with the Burqa model and KMI soon evolved from a simple workshop to a multi-thousand-dollar corporation. Marketing played a role and customers were soon receiving a free crate of weapons with each major purchase, most opting for the Stinger MANPAD; consumers across the region were soon familiar with billboards bearing the (presumably) smiling face of Zahira Al-Huthy modelling KMI's latest outfit above the slogan "The Burqa-Bomb - It's a Blast"
+
Third-generation suicide vests were mass produced and marketed for Middle Eastern clients (including Hezbollah, Hamas, and several other undisclosed customers) with huge success. Particular success was achieved with the Burqa model and KMI soon evolved from a simple workshop to a multi-thousand-dollar [[corporation]]. Marketing played a role and customers were soon receiving a free crate of weapons with each major purchase, most opting for the Stinger MANPAD; consumers across the region were soon familiar with billboards bearing the (presumably) smiling face of Zahira Al-Huthy modeling KMI's latest outfit above the slogan "The Burqa-Bomb - It's a Blast"
   
 
==Small Arms==
 
==Small Arms==
 
===JAR===
 
===JAR===
[[File:Bangladesh 1.jpg|thumb|left|200px|Employee of the Month (February 1994)]]
+
[[File:Bangladesh 1.jpg|thumb|left|200px|Employee of the Month ([[February]], [[1994]])]]
 
{| align=right {{prettytable}} style="margin-left:1em"
 
{| align=right {{prettytable}} style="margin-left:1em"
 
|style="background: #666" align=center colspan=2 |'''JAR Specifications'''
 
|style="background: #666" align=center colspan=2 |'''JAR Specifications'''
Line 40: Line 40:
 
|Selective-fire Assault Rifle
 
|Selective-fire Assault Rifle
 
|-
 
|-
|Cartidge
+
|Cartridge
 
|7.62x39mm M43
 
|7.62x39mm M43
 
|-
 
|-
Line 67: Line 67:
 
|865mm
 
|865mm
 
|}
 
|}
Following the monumental success of its suicide vests, KMI ventured into the world of small arms with the '''JAR'''. The JAR is a selective-fire, gas-operated 7.62mm assault rifle, designed by '''Abul-Sharmoota Al-Manyuk''' (left) in late 1993, for which he won the Employee of The Month award in February 1994. The designation '''JAR''' stands for '''[[Jihad]] Assault Rifle'''. It was an attempt by KMI at a "best of both worlds" assault rifle, combining the "legendary inaccuracy of the [[AK47|Kalashnikov]] with the well-known unreliability of the [[M16|AR-15]]." This combination would allow for a cheap firearm that can deliver powerful 7.62x39mm rounds with excitingly unpredictable accuracy at ranges up to 100 yards.
+
Following the monumental success of its suicide vests, KMI ventured into the world of [[guns|small arms]] with the '''JAR'''. The JAR is a selective-fire, gas-operated 7.62mm assault rifle, designed by '''Abul-Sharmoota Al-Manyuk''' (left) in late [[1993]], for which he won the Employee of The Month award in [[February]], [[1994]]. The designation '''JAR''' stands for '''[[Jihad]] Assault [[Rifle]]'''. It was an attempt by KMI at a "best of both worlds" assault rifle, combining the "legendary inaccuracy of the [[AK47|Kalashnikov]] with the well-known unreliability of the [[M16|AR-15]]." This combination would allow for a cheap firearm that can deliver powerful 7.62x39mm rounds with excitingly unpredictable accuracy at ranges up to 100 yards.
   
The rifle underwent unofficial paramilitary trial and was accepted into service with various Middle-Eastern organisations. It entered mass production a year later in 1995. It was a huge success, with over 900 units delivered worldwide.
+
The rifle underwent unofficial paramilitary trial and was accepted into service with various Middle-Eastern organizations. It entered mass production a year later in [[1995]]. It was a huge success, with over 900 units delivered worldwide.
   
 
===AJR===
 
===AJR===
Line 75: Line 75:
 
By the turn of the 21st century, KMI decided to [[modern]]ize the JAR. The Chief Engineer, who was [[dyslexia|dyslexic]], designated the project AJR (Advanced Jihad Rifle). Three prototypes were built, all around the same principle: ''More [[Wikipedia:Picatinny rail|Picatinny rails]], more modern.''
 
By the turn of the 21st century, KMI decided to [[modern]]ize the JAR. The Chief Engineer, who was [[dyslexia|dyslexic]], designated the project AJR (Advanced Jihad Rifle). Three prototypes were built, all around the same principle: ''More [[Wikipedia:Picatinny rail|Picatinny rails]], more modern.''
   
*The first prototype (AJR Mk.I) had 5 Picatinny rails; one welded to the upper receiver and four to the barrel. This prototype could receive five additions including an underbarrel grenade launcher, a [[laser]] aiming module, and [[Knife|bayonet]]s pointing both forward and backward. However, this created problems, as one of the rails blocked the charging handle, another obscured the safety switch and the backwards bayonet caused serious shoulder injuries to the operator. This prototype was eventually turned down.
+
*The first prototype (AJR Mk.I) had 5 Picatinny rails; one welded to the upper receiver and four to the barrel. This prototype could receive five additions including an under-barrel grenade launcher, a [[laser]] aiming module, and [[Knife|bayonets]] pointing both forward and backward. However, this created problems, as one of the rails blocked the charging handle, another obscured the safety switch and the backwards bayonet caused serious shoulder injuries to the operator. This prototype was eventually turned down.
   
 
*The second prototype (AJR Mk.II) had one Picatinny rail welded to the upper receiver. It could only accept one add-on, an ACOG sight. This prototype was turned down for not being modern enough by Middle-Eastern standards.
 
*The second prototype (AJR Mk.II) had one Picatinny rail welded to the upper receiver. It could only accept one add-on, an ACOG sight. This prototype was turned down for not being modern enough by Middle-Eastern standards.
   
*The third prototype (AJR Mk.III) was built using a different approach. A standard JAR was dipped in superglue, then in a canister of Picatinny rails, then it was left in the sun to dry. This prototype was considered the most modern, as 8 rails successfully stuck onto the rifle, albeit in awkward positions. This prototype, however, suffered from a fatal flaw. Glue solidified and clogged the gas system, the trigger mechanism and the barrel. The prototype was ultimately disqualified.
+
*The third prototype (AJR Mk.III) was built using a different approach. A standard JAR was dipped in [[glue|superglue]], then in a canister of Picatinny rails, then it was left in the [[sun]] to dry. This prototype was considered the most modern, as 8 rails successfully stuck onto the rifle, albeit in awkward positions. This prototype, however, suffered from a fatal flaw. Glue solidified and clogged the gas system, the trigger mechanism and the barrel. The prototype was ultimately disqualified despite its enormous promise.
   
Realizing that orders were taken and product had to be delivered before a closing deadline, KMI's R&D made one last attempt--simply replacing the original grip and [[butt]]stock of the JAR with different-looking ones and [[paint]]ing the rifle desert tan. This was done by dipping the gun in paint, then leaving it in the sun to dry. The same flaws were observed as with the third prototype. The project was entirely terminated in 2006, as was the staff.
+
Realizing that orders were taken and products had to be delivered before a closing deadline, KMI's R&D made one last attempt--simply replacing the original grip and [[butt|butt-stock]] of the JAR with different-looking ones and [[paint|painting]] the rifle desert tan. This was done by dipping the gun in paint, then leaving it in the sun to dry. The same flaws were observed as with the third prototype. The project was entirely terminated in [[2006]], as was the staff.
   
 
Rioting at this arbitrary decision began almost immediately in Fallujah, Dar-es-Salaam and across Afghanistan's Helmand Province and KMI was forced to release a statement explaining its plans for an upgrade programme for the AK-47.
 
Rioting at this arbitrary decision began almost immediately in Fallujah, Dar-es-Salaam and across Afghanistan's Helmand Province and KMI was forced to release a statement explaining its plans for an upgrade programme for the AK-47.
Line 87: Line 87:
 
===AK-47 Upgrade Programme===
 
===AK-47 Upgrade Programme===
 
[[Image:AK47magazinelong.jpg|thumb|right|The AK with the extended magazine has already been submitted to the Guinness Book of World Records.]]
 
[[Image:AK47magazinelong.jpg|thumb|right|The AK with the extended magazine has already been submitted to the Guinness Book of World Records.]]
Following the termination of the '''JAR''' upgrade programme - the '''AJR''', KMI's Aftermarket Division decided to upgrade the AK-47 instead to meet the ever-increasing local needs. Illustrated at right is a project extending the ammunition magazine of the legendary AK47 rifle. The extended magazine increases the ammuntion capacity by a factor of 2.75. Moreover, the curved magazine doubles as a pod or foregrip for the weapon, enabling a somewhat more accurate aim; and its sharp inner edge, inspired by the bayonet, triples as a sickle, useful for either anti-personnel or harvest-time applications.
+
Following the termination of the '''JAR''' upgrade programme - the '''AJR''', KMI's Aftermarket Division decided to upgrade the AK-47 instead to meet the ever-increasing local needs. Illustrated at right is a project extending the ammunition magazine of the legendary AK47 rifle. The extended magazine increases the ammunition capacity by a factor of 2.75. Moreover, the curved magazine doubles as a pod or foregrip for the weapon, enabling a somewhat more accurate aim; and its sharp inner edge, inspired by the bayonet, triples as a sickle, useful for either anti-personnel or harvest-time applications.
   
 
==Defense Industries==
 
==Defense Industries==
[[File:Bunker2.jpg|thumb|right|200px|Our build-it-yourself bomb shelters have all the comforts of home.]]
+
[[File:Bunker2.jpg|thumb|right|200px|Our build-it-yourself [[bomb]] shelters have all the comforts of [[home]].]]
 
KMI's Defense Industries Division was organized with the following mission statement: {{cquote|''Causing more collateral damage is not enough; one must also survive the collateral damage of one's enemies.''}}
 
KMI's Defense Industries Division was organized with the following mission statement: {{cquote|''Causing more collateral damage is not enough; one must also survive the collateral damage of one's enemies.''}}
   
Line 96: Line 96:
   
 
[[File:Mum.jpg|thumb|left|200px|Veil and burqa sold separately.]]
 
[[File:Mum.jpg|thumb|left|200px|Veil and burqa sold separately.]]
A subsidary of KMI's Defense Industries, KMI's Consulting Services provide solutions for scenarios when the [[United States]] deploys a female [[Hillary Clinton|Secretary of State]] who aims to turn the customer's troops away from their mission with smiles, and offers of [[cash]]. KMI's contract "negotiators" work to confuse and frustrate the Americans, on-site, in burqas, in fatigues, or in business suits. KMI consultants are claimed to be bonded, trained, and tested, and better able to resist [[Bribe|lucrative personal inducements]] than the customer's own troops may be.
+
A subsidiary of KMI's Defense Industries, KMI's Consulting Services provide solutions for scenarios when the [[United States]] deploys a female [[Hillary Clinton|Secretary of State]] who aims to turn the customer's troops away from their mission with smiles, and offers of [[cash]]. KMI's contract "negotiators" work to confuse and frustrate the Americans, on-site, in burqas, in fatigues, or in business suits. KMI consultants are claimed to be bonded, trained, and tested, and better able to resist [[Bribe|lucrative personal inducements]] than the customer's own troops may be.
   
 
==Flight School==
 
==Flight School==
In the mid-nineties, in an effort to boost their revenues, KMI established a [[flight]] [[school]], training the locals at half the fees they would pay abroad. The program was a moderate success financially, yet it graduated numerous cadets for military air forces and civilian airlines alike. The programme was terminated in October 2001 after a group of trainee pilots went off-course and crashed into [[New York City]]'s World Trade Center twin towers, leading to an unfortunate misunderstanding and, eventually, a war between the [[United States]] and neighbouring [[Afghanistan]].
+
In the mid-nineties, in an effort to boost their revenues, KMI established a [[flight]] [[school]], training the locals at half the fees they would pay abroad. The program was a moderate success financially, yet it graduated numerous cadets for military air forces and civilian airlines alike. The programme was terminated in [[October]], [[2001]] after a group of trainee [[pilots]] went off-course and crashed into [[New York City]]'s World Trade Center twin towers, leading to an unfortunate misunderstanding and, eventually, a war between the [[United States]] and neighboring [[Afghanistan]].
   
 
==Other Products==
 
==Other Products==

Revision as of 03:50, March 25, 2010

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This article has been nominated for highlighting on the front page—you can vote for it or nominate your favourite articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH. Please see this article's entry.
Terror 1

Providing customer satisfaction since 1988.

“Cheap and Somewhat Effective”
~ Lettering above the main entrance to KMI Headquarters

Kurdish Military Industries Ltd. (KMI) is an arms manufacturer and distributor based in Jihadabad, Kurdistan. According to Janes' Armaments Review, KMI is the world's largest producer of suicide vests.

KMI is an arm of the holding company AlQaedCo, which also owns Turkmenistan Aerospace Industries and the Afghanistani Advanced Electronics Corporation. It is a major weapons supplier to the Taliban and the Kurdish Labour Party.

Origins: The suicide-vest years

First Generation

KMI was established in 1981 by Izmíl Shakush as the Kurdish Medical Industries. Its first product-line was the A-line suicide vest which it marketed to the terminally-ill and mentally-retarded as a one-shot, instant painkiller.

Medical supplies attracted a much less punitive VAT rating than armaments allowing KMI to maximize profits. Incidentally, the peculiar efficacy of KMI's innovative analgesic and the permanence of its effect gained KMI several hundred dollars of additional research funding from the International Red Cross and Red Crescent.

The first-generation suicide vests consisted of little more than a wind-cheater lined with construction-grade TNT and a fuse/lighter detonation system concealed within the sleeve. Ignition was manual and the proximity of the fuse to the operator's skin frequently caused severe burns. This apparent design-flaw caused operators such pain that most were sent into fits of screaming. However, it also gave the operator 15 seconds to reconsider his decision and put out the fuse.

The first generation vests hit drugstore shelves in late 1981. After several dozen were sold, technical support began to receive reports of a serious design flaw: The suicide vests were killing not only the operator, but also innocent bystanders. This was the first, though by no means last, incident in which KMI products had caused collateral damage.

As a result, in early 1982 KMI issued a global recall and the product was taken off the market.

Second Generation

Monkdds

The third-generation vest took off, as did its wearer.

In 1982 KMI's R&D team started working on a second-generation model of suicide vest. The new model used an electric detonator, eliminating the 15-second delay between decision and deployment. Although this model was also marketed as a painkiller, it was widely used as a weapon by Afghan Mujaheddin who exploited the "design flaw" of the product to the discomfort of occupying Soviet troops.

KMI was outraged by this misuse. The company's CEO released a statement that said, "It is completely immoral and inhumane to use medical technology designed to benefit the lives of the useless to perpetrate acts of wanton violence."

Consequently, the name of the company was changed from Kurdish Medical Industries to Kurdish Military Industries, retaining the initials KMI. As an unforeseen result, KMI's VAT break was withdrawn, as was their Red Cross funding, causing a 37% decline in share-price which was recouped instantly when 1982's profits forecast was exceeded before the end of September. Shortly after in 1983, KMI was acquired by the AlQaedCo conglomerate.

Third Generation

It was not until the revolutionary third generation that KMI's suicide vests were popularized worldwide. The third generation suicide vests were built using powerful military-grade plastique explosives individually molded to the wearer's body. This was built into a vast array of garments as opposed to just vests. This caused KMI to become a minor hit at Tehran Fashion Week. The vest also utilized a remote-controlled radio detonation module, as wearers were often women and children and it was difficult to explain the need to operate an actuator for a piece of clothing. Moreover, as the cadre of suicide bombers does not possess the required intelligence nor experience to operate the product correctly - remote control ensured a 100% rate of success and severe collateral damage.

Third-generation suicide vests were mass produced and marketed for Middle Eastern clients (including Hezbollah, Hamas, and several other undisclosed customers) with huge success. Particular success was achieved with the Burqa model and KMI soon evolved from a simple workshop to a multi-thousand-dollar corporation. Marketing played a role and customers were soon receiving a free crate of weapons with each major purchase, most opting for the Stinger MANPAD; consumers across the region were soon familiar with billboards bearing the (presumably) smiling face of Zahira Al-Huthy modeling KMI's latest outfit above the slogan "The Burqa-Bomb - It's a Blast"

Small Arms

JAR

Bangladesh 1

Employee of the Month (February, 1994)

JAR Specifications
Type Selective-fire Assault Rifle
Cartridge 7.62x39mm M43
Action Gas-operated, rotating bolt
Muzzle Velocity NA
Effective Range 50 meters
Maximum Range 150 meters
Feed System 10/15 rounds detachable magazine
Weight 9.2Kg (empty)
11.7Kg (full magazine)
Barrel Length 257mm
Overall Length 865mm

Following the monumental success of its suicide vests, KMI ventured into the world of small arms with the JAR. The JAR is a selective-fire, gas-operated 7.62mm assault rifle, designed by Abul-Sharmoota Al-Manyuk (left) in late 1993, for which he won the Employee of The Month award in February, 1994. The designation JAR stands for Jihad Assault Rifle. It was an attempt by KMI at a "best of both worlds" assault rifle, combining the "legendary inaccuracy of the Kalashnikov with the well-known unreliability of the AR-15." This combination would allow for a cheap firearm that can deliver powerful 7.62x39mm rounds with excitingly unpredictable accuracy at ranges up to 100 yards.

The rifle underwent unofficial paramilitary trial and was accepted into service with various Middle-Eastern organizations. It entered mass production a year later in 1995. It was a huge success, with over 900 units delivered worldwide.

AJR

Terror 2

Buy now, and we'll throw in a few dozen Stingers for free!

By the turn of the 21st century, KMI decided to modernize the JAR. The Chief Engineer, who was dyslexic, designated the project AJR (Advanced Jihad Rifle). Three prototypes were built, all around the same principle: More Picatinny rails, more modern.

  • The first prototype (AJR Mk.I) had 5 Picatinny rails; one welded to the upper receiver and four to the barrel. This prototype could receive five additions including an under-barrel grenade launcher, a laser aiming module, and bayonets pointing both forward and backward. However, this created problems, as one of the rails blocked the charging handle, another obscured the safety switch and the backwards bayonet caused serious shoulder injuries to the operator. This prototype was eventually turned down.
  • The second prototype (AJR Mk.II) had one Picatinny rail welded to the upper receiver. It could only accept one add-on, an ACOG sight. This prototype was turned down for not being modern enough by Middle-Eastern standards.
  • The third prototype (AJR Mk.III) was built using a different approach. A standard JAR was dipped in superglue, then in a canister of Picatinny rails, then it was left in the sun to dry. This prototype was considered the most modern, as 8 rails successfully stuck onto the rifle, albeit in awkward positions. This prototype, however, suffered from a fatal flaw. Glue solidified and clogged the gas system, the trigger mechanism and the barrel. The prototype was ultimately disqualified despite its enormous promise.

Realizing that orders were taken and products had to be delivered before a closing deadline, KMI's R&D made one last attempt--simply replacing the original grip and butt-stock of the JAR with different-looking ones and painting the rifle desert tan. This was done by dipping the gun in paint, then leaving it in the sun to dry. The same flaws were observed as with the third prototype. The project was entirely terminated in 2006, as was the staff.

Rioting at this arbitrary decision began almost immediately in Fallujah, Dar-es-Salaam and across Afghanistan's Helmand Province and KMI was forced to release a statement explaining its plans for an upgrade programme for the AK-47.

AK-47 Upgrade Programme

AK47magazinelong

The AK with the extended magazine has already been submitted to the Guinness Book of World Records.

Following the termination of the JAR upgrade programme - the AJR, KMI's Aftermarket Division decided to upgrade the AK-47 instead to meet the ever-increasing local needs. Illustrated at right is a project extending the ammunition magazine of the legendary AK47 rifle. The extended magazine increases the ammunition capacity by a factor of 2.75. Moreover, the curved magazine doubles as a pod or foregrip for the weapon, enabling a somewhat more accurate aim; and its sharp inner edge, inspired by the bayonet, triples as a sickle, useful for either anti-personnel or harvest-time applications.

Defense Industries

Bunker2

Our build-it-yourself bomb shelters have all the comforts of home.

KMI's Defense Industries Division was organized with the following mission statement:

Cquote1 Causing more collateral damage is not enough; one must also survive the collateral damage of one's enemies. Cquote2

Its main product is the KMI Bomb Shelter. It comes in a package containing a shovel to enable operator to dig one big hole in the ground, with the optional Camo-netting. The shelter can counter modern Bunker-buster ammunition, as the shelter looks from above like a civilian Quonset hut (a type of tract house seen throughout the village of Quonset, Belgium).

Mum

Veil and burqa sold separately.

A subsidiary of KMI's Defense Industries, KMI's Consulting Services provide solutions for scenarios when the United States deploys a female Secretary of State who aims to turn the customer's troops away from their mission with smiles, and offers of cash. KMI's contract "negotiators" work to confuse and frustrate the Americans, on-site, in burqas, in fatigues, or in business suits. KMI consultants are claimed to be bonded, trained, and tested, and better able to resist lucrative personal inducements than the customer's own troops may be.

Flight School

In the mid-nineties, in an effort to boost their revenues, KMI established a flight school, training the locals at half the fees they would pay abroad. The program was a moderate success financially, yet it graduated numerous cadets for military air forces and civilian airlines alike. The programme was terminated in October, 2001 after a group of trainee pilots went off-course and crashed into New York City's World Trade Center twin towers, leading to an unfortunate misunderstanding and, eventually, a war between the United States and neighboring Afghanistan.

Other Products

Technicals

Car Bombs

Firearms accessories

See also

Personal tools
projects