Katana

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A Katana is a type of eggplant, wielded by fluffy kitty cats. It has also been rumored that they are carried by samurai, in case they get hungry and wish to grab a quick bite. Eggplant is more commonly known as an aubergine, which is the proper term for the katana.

The Katana Aubergine

Eggplant

A skinned katana eggplant. Note the razor edge, considered by food critics as the most delicious part of the entire katana.

Katanas are found exclusively in heaven and retail stores. They have a black outer shell, contrary to the common eggplant, which is a green colour. When the outer skin is removed, it reveals an iron core. The only part of the Katana eggplant that is edible is the blade.

The katana comes in all sorts and varieties of colours. The most common colour is black. Recently Apple has released a all new, white coloured katana which is literally a piercing eye-candy. Sony, however, offers dark blue katana which attracted many enthusiasts like magnets attracted to metal. The new range is called "Cyber-slash", which fits very well with it's similar product range, "Cyber-shot". All Sony, Dell and Apple katanas have built in batteries which can turn into a light-sabre when required. But due to Sony's battery problems, the katana may also be uses as a bomb that blows up (see image on right).

File:CIMG3042-1200.jpg


Places that sell Katanas

Here's a comprehensive list of where you can buy a katana:

  • Maths stores
  • 7-11
  • Supermarkets
  • Pick 'n Pay
  • Wenzel's Sword Emporium
  • Walmart
  • Book Stores
  • Subway stations
  • Gym equipment stores
  • As seen on TV stores
  • Petrol Stations
  • Computer stores
  • Pet stores
  • Disneyland
  • EatBay
  • Banks
  • Universities
  • Car showrooms
  • Police stations
  • Public toilets
  • Pay toilets
  • Automatic vending machines
  • Flea market
  • Airports
  • Butcher shops
  • College Bookstores
  • Hairclip shops
  • McDonalds
  • Arts and crafts stores

The reason why katanas are offered in maths shops are because they can be used, in emergency, to kill your maths teacher. Some maths teachers who are employed by the ninjas are very dangerous and they have super powers like y=mx+b and other algebraic equations to confuse a samurai who is innocent to math.


Famous Katana Quotes:

"Woah fuck that's sharp!" - nameless katana victim and enthusiast
"Why equals emex plus see" - maths teacher who just gave up teaching
"Civil blood make civil hands unclean" - Shakespeare in Ronny and July
"A katana a day keeps me away" - unemployed doctor

Consumption

The Katana must first be cleaned prior to any eating. This is an important step, because it prevents gangrene and tetanus. The number of people who have died a slow horrible painful death due to not washing their katana is staggering. The CIA World Factbook claims that 103% of Japanese that are dead have died due to unsanitary katanas. So remember: Wash Your Katana - and most important of all - wash your hands first. A sufferer Lady Macbeth, who did not wash her hands, had red spots that led her to commit suicide.

Katanas are also a good source of iron, bloodshed, and crappy low-budget asian fight movies hero.

With the katana, you get plenty of nutrition such as vitamins and minerals. A katana a day will certainly keep the doctor away. Kellogg's recently announced that they have to change their strategy in their breakfast cereals because the Katana outsell any other brands of cereals. Head of Kellogg's has planned to merge with Katana Cereals Inc., otherwise they could face to drop out of the market by 2010.

Warnings:

  • Do not attempt to slit wrists with katana,which may result in the following symptoms: nausea, bloodshed, dizziness, loss of feeling in hand, wrist, pelvis, or stomach, hair loss, hysteria, and fainting.
  • The makers of katanas are not responsible for choking, horrible rashes, accidents during useage, and death.
  • The katana is not a toy and is not to be swung around mercilessly by a random idiot unless you have the following things: hysteria, a record of attending a mental institute, two left feet, have on hand at least two paper bags within reach on your person.
  • Not to be mistaken with the common green eggplant, for it is a ninja star, not a katana. Confusing these two vegetables may result in death. Do not operate machinery or drive within 26 hours of usage.

An Eggplant Weapon?

Katanas are not only a deadly healthy part of your diet, they can also be used to impale other people. They were a vital part of the Sino-Japanese War, and led to the collapse of the German Empire.

The use of a Katana as a deadly weapon was first discovered by none other than Nobunaga. Stories tell of a young Nobunaga, eating his eggplant as usual, when suddenly, a peddler came and asked for food. In anger, Nobunaga hurled the eggplant at this unwanted visitor, and surprisingly impaled him in the heart. This of course, intrigued Nobunaga, and when he unified Disneyland, he commissioned research into the use of katanas as a weapon. Of course, this was later stolen by Thomas Edison, which he used towards the invention of the space shuttle. It was the great Quentin Terrantino who discovered that rapist hilbillies are immune to all weapons other than the katana, Vin Diesel and Bruce Campbell.

For years the Japanese bragged to the Europeans about their katanas, this led to the Europeans inventing the gun. Of course the Scottish had a different solution: When challenged by a samurai, the Scotsman promptly threw a tree at him, ending the duel quickly. That eventually lead to the depletion of trees in the "Scotland yard" and now there are only 4 trees left in the whole of Scotland.

The only known advantage to using the katana eggplant as a weapons is it's ability to slay a rhinoceros at 50 feet. It is not known how this is accomplished, but it is a well documented fact that it does indeed happen.

RARE FACT: You know those bamboo canes that desperate gardeners use to prop up the plants when they simply won't grow? How tough are those bastards? Seriously, try snapping one. It will crack but it will still have shitty fibres that can twist but won't fray and break. Well a katana, when used as a weapon, can cut through a 7-inch-wide wad of bamboo canes in one stroke, and I'm not kidding.

AN EVEN RARER FACT: A longsword can too.

Mach 3 Triple Bladed Katana

The Mach 3 Triple Bladed Katana is considered by many experts as The Best a Samurai can Get the pinnacle of katana engineering. With the use of gene splicing, transgenics, and cloning, they have managed to create a katana with the taste of gourmet caviar, and the slicing ability of a triple razor.

Some would also say that the katana eggplant may also be used as an effective backscratcher, much like an average sword. However, the lack of a longer crossguard reduces its effectiveness as a helmet rack.

An Eggplant Disciplinary Tool

Recently, there has been a rise in the use of various everyday household objects as disciplinary tools for children. These include rulers, eggbeaters, and various Weapons of Mass Distraction. The use of the katana as a disciplinary tool probably originated in the centre of the Earth, where negative ions rotate in unison to produce a liquid core, creating a massive magnetic field (considered the most powerful disciplinary tool in the known Universe). Since then, there has been no stopping vengeful and abusive parents. We can only hope that this will not create a generation of paranoid eggplant fearing cave-dwellers.

The Future of Katanas

With new technology in the field of Science and Biochemistry, the quality and demand of katanas will only increase with time. Scientists predict that in the year 2000, katanas will give virtually no wounds, and shed almost no blood, which has been hailed as the Holy Grail of eggplant eating.

The Sniper Katana

These rare katana are special because they are equiped with a laser-sight for extra presision. The katana is a special sword that can shoot a projectile up to a distance of from earth to mars. The bullet is not expensive - it is made up entirely of a hockey ball (so pointless), which is full of dimples, round and pointless. Therefore it can achieve the maximum speed in no less than a blink of an eye. According to BMW, their wind tunnel test have not shown clear results due to the machine failure, which proved impossible to predict the acceleration. (Later this was published as an advertisement comparing the katana to a 5 Series in a car magazine). They were pretty stunned of this result and they have consulted the phenomenon with Audi. Eventually, Audi has managed to travel next to the flying projectile with the R8. They "r-ate" that BMW was lacking the engine in their cars. Katana snipers are used by professional samurais who kill maths teachers. In addition to that, it is featured in Counter Strike and precision is 100%.

Take note that the Sniper Katana must first be charged with Chi. This energy is channeled directly from the wielder's Heart Meter which must be maintained completely full for the Sniper Katana to function correctly.

Katana in the News

  • BMW was caught putting katanas in all their car engines to produce high performance engines. The engine designers proved that it will increase the performance of their cars by 245%. Katana Cereals Inc. has sued them for a bill of $500 billion. They now face bankruptcy. Audi has recently announced to buy BMW and merge the two companies together.
  • Land Rover on the other hand, was smart enough to gain permission from Katana Cereals Inc. to allow them to use the katanas to hold their car together. Land Rover has finally found something that can hold their cars together for their customers to drive out of the showroom in one piece.
  • The highest price of a katana ever auctioned on EatBay was $55,000,000,000. Bills Gate traded his Windowz Visda for this piece of Apple-Manufactured katana. It has white hard plastic outer shell and a titanium body. The person who previously owned the katana was an employee in Macrosoft who picked it up on the side of the road. He wants to remain anonymous, rumours has spread that this person owns another 99 of these katanas. A recent interview with Bills Gate he claimed that "with this katana, I will be the 1337est person on this planet! mohahahah!!!" But this comment was coldly regretted by the International Samurai Association that Bills Gate is in fact a non samurai (or a ninja) and that it is a disgrace for a ninja to pocess the katana.

DANGER

DDS INFECTION LEVEL: High

The Katana is a known carrier of the Decapitation Disease virus.



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