From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“TRY MY PRODUCT!”
John W. Scherer (b. 1933-?), known as The Video Professor, was born in St. Charles, Illinois during the Great Depression, and raised in Geneva, Illinois. From an early age, John knew he was special, and was driven to push the boundaries of repression and sexual denial that pervaded American society. In the early 1940's, for example, Scherer fucked his mother in an outhouse years before Jerry Farwell's own maternal joyride. This liberal spirit, and a fierce appetite for all things risqué, led John to embark upon his riskiest business venture in 1957 with the launch of Video Professor Inc, a mail-order sexual literature company.
Scherer is credited with spearheading a brand new business model: the free trial which is not free! After inviting you to "try" a large sample of some kind of white viscous goopy liquid, Scherer proceeds to charge you $89.95 a month for the rest of your life - which is about as long as it takes the average user to get the stuff off of his or her hands, tongue, and genitals.
A "Bold Venture"
While the idea of starting a mail-order sex store was not revolutionary in and of itself, what was revolutionary is, A) The earliest films (Video Professor 1 through 7) were released on 5¼" floppy disk, the earliest known form of computer pornography, and B) that Scherer himself starred in the majority of the sex scenes. At an already advanced age by that point, he had found his niche as an aging adult porn star in control of his own image and material, a successful business strategy.
His most popular character, and the title of the series, lent itself well to Scherer's elderly persona - The "Professor" character was born. Since the inception of the series, Scherer has obtained several other aged former stars like Henry Wanker, Mickey Rooney, and Wilford Brimley to guest star as visiting professors on his straight-to-video releases.
At first, John W. Scherer’s Video Professor series was sold only at trade shows and in adult stores, but the videotapes were getting noticed, and the demand for John’s revolutionary Video Professor materials was building to climax. So in 1991, John decided to produce an infomercial — a decision that resulted in a consumer frenzy for his already popular product.
Finding the American market extremely gullible and hungry for all things Scherer, John took his most ambitious undertaking of all - marketing his own aged semen as an aphrodisiac. In his own terms, John "became a man on a mission". FCC regulations forbade that he mention the word "semen" directly on the air, a decision that led Scherer to coin the euphemism that pervades all Video Professor commercials: "Try my product!".
In 2007, a minor controversy arose when Tom Cruise described Scherer's "product" as "unacceptably salty," citing, as a possible explanation, the fact that Scherer is rarely seen without a tin of sardines. In response, Scherer filed several defamation of character lawsuits against Cruise, citing diminishment of reputation and emotional distress, and demanding either seven million U.S. dollars ($7,000,000), or, alternatively, a lifetime supply of sardines.
Shortly after the dismissal of this lawsuit, Scherer successfully sued himself for defamation of character, arguing that his wrinkled, decrepit appearance would negatively impact his sales. As a consequence of this lawsuit, Scherer is no longer legally allowed to reflect light, which causes him to appear at all times as negative space.
Conflict with UncyclopediaOn the 10th of December, 2008, John Scherer's attorney emailed Uncyclopedia this letter requesting the immediate removal of the page you are currently reading. Among the complaints were suggestions that this article constitutes libel and harms Mr. Scherer's character. On the contrary, we at Uncyclopedia would just like to say that John Scherer is a great guy who is known for his unblemished integrity and his inability to do anything immoral, ever, especially not screwing over any customers or cheating other elderly people out of their hard-earned money or anything like that, ever. At all. Ever.
Okay, there was that one time. And the time after that. And after that, another. But really, that's not his fault! Look, if the customers can't figure out how to cancel their services, and can't seem to grasp the concept of calling the cancellation hotline while simultaneously navigating a set of hidden pages on the official John Scherer website, then they could seriously use some help from the esteemed video professor.
The letter also complained about Uncyclopedia's use of Scherer's trademarked slogan "TRY MY PRODUCT". Naturally, we would never use a trademarked slogan like TRY MY PRODUCT that we knew was trademarked, like TRY MY PRODUCT is, and would like to say that we will never say TRY MY PRODUCT again, no matter how much we really really want someone to TRY MY PRODUCT, or even if we feel the urge to just compulsively yell TRY MY PRODUCT at passers-by on the street, because now we know that TRY MY PRODUCT is trademarked, and we'd hate to infringe on a trademark like TRY MY PRODUCT, so we'll stop saying TRY MY PRODUCT right now, we promise.
TRY MY PRODUCT.
Many comedians and satirists have taken on The Video Professor, and he has struck back, claiming his franchise has been mocked time and time again. He argues his business is a legitimate operation, helping individuals with all their video learning needs. One such video which supports Scherer's completely legitimate business model (scam) comes in the form of the Youtube video, "How to Be A Dick" seen here at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mIyT73MbwqY.
- ↑ John W. Scherer - Executive Biography