“I'm the hero of Paradise Lost”
- ~ Satan on Paradise Lost
“No you're not! Christ and Adam are the heros!”
- ~ Milton on Paradise Lost
John Milton had AIDS and was a Satan-worshiping Puritan who wrote Paradise Lost, a poem about how Satan is awesome and God is an ass. There may be other things in the poem, but no one reads past Book I because it gets too "wordy and hard to read" as William Wordsworth said. Milton was a sexually repressed man who went blind after spending many long hours locked in his room alone doing something. He was a supporter of dictators and cared little for the well-being of man. He made his daughters slaves and had them fetch tea and crackers every hour on the hour and whipped them when the crackers were too crunchy. Milton is a good friend of Nick Cave, and often helps him write songs. Milton was thought to have never been misrepresented, until in late 2007 archaeological evidence was recovered which told an entirely different story: all of his great works were in fact written by Milton's faithful fag, Percy.
The Early Years
Milton was born in Boise, Idaho, to a retired Vegas Show Girl (now granola-crunching hippie liberal) Eileen Milton, and A Cup of Coffee. Despite the in-and-out shuffle of roughly 200,000 male role models, painstakingly recruited by his mother(and subjected to a excrutiating review process), Milton's first word was "vulva." Wanting to give Milton space to develop his own unique identity, A Cup of Coffee and Eileen provided ample opportunity for Milton to realize his identity as a spiritual transsexual. Eventually, though, Milton decided that he went across even the boundary of trans-sexuality, and became a Spiritual TransTransexual.
At the age of 16, Milton won the illustrious title of Corn Queen in the annual Idaho Tuck Your Husk Drag Pageant. It was at this spiritual epoch that he realized his life's calling: to spread the joy of spiritual gender identity wholeness. In his acceptance speech, Milton said: "I have realized today that there is more to life than blank verse; we must fill it, and fill it we shall. I am Adam; I am Eve; together we are all together, fit for paradise." Milton's obscure and convoluted Biblical references would become his trademark.
Career as Travelling Inspirational Speaker
In one of his most famous speeches, at a New York construction site, Milton proclaimed: "Man and Woman were not only created equal; they are created the same, ambiguous, like drops of water that join together and separate, like the ocean that ebbs and flows against the sand. They move together and accomplish their destinies, then recede, perhaps together, perhaps apart, perhaps with another one of their own kind. Who is to say that a drop of water is male or female?? Together we can move mountains. No, together we can THROW mountains!" He then crushed a cantaloupe on his head and gave out an excellent recipe for lemon meringue pie.
Milton As A Writer
During his postmodern road trip across greater L.A. at the age of 24, Milton realized that his calling was the written word. He spent the next 10 years of his life in a cave in Paradise Valley, Montana, and with classics like "Paradise Found: Discovering your inner vagina" and "Paradise Found Even More: The Workbook" made a permanent stamp on the Gender Liberation Movement. It was during this time that he went blind for undisclosed reasons.
His last great work was "Paradise Takes a Dump".
How do blind men punctuate epic poetry anyway?
In February 1652, John Milton lost his eyesight at the age of 46. In the same year his young wife Mary Powell fell ill and died, and for the following 15 years he struggled to find viable employment, learning in his spare time how to dictate words to his daughters. The real issue here was not that he could not read important documents – these could have easily been read out to him by a thoughtful co-worker – it was that every time he sent a letter applying for a job his daughter Katherine would deliberately insert rude words and phrases in between sentences. By the time he discovered this fault, however, Katherine was safely married and he could not beat her for her insolence, though God knows he wanted to.
Finally rid of the tiresome teenage rebellion manifested in his daughters, Milton suddenly realised the error of his judgement when struggling to find the larder all by himself. After several days wandering around the house looking for something to eat, he was on the brink of starvation when a passing milkman heard his groans of anguish and broke into the house, giving Milton a bottle of milk to regain his strength. Milton was suddenly struck with a brilliant idea: to celebrate the saving of his life, he was going to write an epic poem about King Arthur, and he was going to dictate it all through the use of his old school chum Roger Buoys. Milton and Buoys had both shared the captaincy of the St. Paul’s School 2nd XI misogynist team, and had fostered a love for each other in their schoolboy days, in a very masculine sort of way.
He immediately dictated to the milkman a letter addressed to Roger Buoys, asking him if he could come down and scribble out this great work of literature presently fostering inside Milton’s head. But the milkman, sensing an opportunity to play a cruel prank on the blind man, addressed the letter instead to Percy Redbottom, another old boy from St. Paul’s School. Redbottom was three years younger than Milton, and still nursed a bitter desire for vengeance after John Milton, as a sixth former, had put young Percy on fagging duty for an entire week to punish him for stealing a rubber. The milkman then offered to deliver the letter himself. Meeting Percy Redbottom, he reputedly said nothing except “now your chance for revenge is at hand” before handing the letter over and running away. Some sources have implied that the milkman was also part of this old boys’ network, and argue that he had also been bullied in his own special way by Roger Buoys when attending St. Paul’s.
Thus on September 24th 1663, Percy Redbottom appeared at the home of John Milton pretending to be Roger Buoys. Milton is recorded to have remarked that Buoys was “not as snug a fit as I remember”, but apart from this minor lapse the deception remained intact. After providing Redbottom with suitable instructions, Milton began to dictate to him an epic tale of Arthur and his knights, describing with passion and zeal how much he adored monarchy and Catholicism (although atheism was equally fine to him).
However, the vengeful scribe was not writing what he was told to write. In a harrowing repeat of the mischief of Milton’s daughter Katherine all those years before, Percy Redbottom followed Milton’s highly detailed instructions about pentameter and punctuation to the letter, but changed crucial details of the plot. For example, whenever Milton said “comma here” or “new line”, Redbottom would obediently follow the order. But when Milton said, for instance, “King Arthur ruled by divine right” or “I dedicate this work to the Pope”, Redbottom secretly wrote things like “Of Man’s first disobedience, and the fruit / Of that forbidden tree” in their place.
The result was a ten-book epic which Redbottom decided to name Paradise Lost about Adam and Eve being cast out of Eden; Milton was oblivious to this fact, and was still quite sure it was called The Holy Adventures of the King and the Pope. Milton had hoped to sell on what he considered to be a masterpiece, and make a tidy profit from it. However, when Percy Redbottom approached the literary agent he offered it up for a measly £10. Now at last he could reveal his true identity, and so returned to Milton’s house for the final reckoning.
“I am not in fact Roger Buoys,” he announced loudly in 1688 to Milton. “My name is Percy Redbottom; remember me?” He cackled maniacally. Milton scratched his head.
“Percy who?” he asked in mild confusion.
“Percy Redbottom!” the real author of Paradise Lost wailed. “Who you put on fagging duty for a whole week, you monster!”
“Oh, that Percy!” Milton exclaimed. “What a pleasant surprise, come in, come! Make me some tea, will you? It’ll be just like the good old days, back in St. Paul’s School!” It is at this point that Redbottom is reported to have fled home and taken poison. Yet his words live on, and have inspired literary debate for over 300 years, despite Milton’s original aim of a cheap action flick.
Retirement and Death
John Milton never stopped giving speeches, especially at parties. However, he did eventually retire with his seven committed polyamorists (Including longtime partner Katherine Woodcock) to a yurt in Reno, Nevada, where he lived the rest of his life as an alpaca farmer. The exact circumstances of John Milton's death, and the location of his body, remain unknown.
"Better to reign in Hell, than work in 7-Eleven. They never serve but only stand and wait."
"Excuse me. I believe you have my stapler."
"Change can never be found in the center of the Afghan Parking Lot, so I hope you remember how to walk."
- The Belgian Rock Opera Hedwig and the Angry Inch was based in part on John Milton's life.
- John Milton was rumoured to have invented Ira Plato and his modern art, epic graphic novel, Symposium.
- John Milton was, in part, raised by A Cup of Coffee.
- John Milton is an important figure in Hedist religion.
- Paradise Valley, longtime home and creative Equator for John Milton, was later the home town of accomplished Satan-worshipper Alex Mack.
- John Milton is an anagram of "I love satan".
- The Chronicles of Narnia was John Milton's attempt to rival Harry Potter; however, the portrayal of satanism in children novels is not very popular, so he wrote His Dark Materials and Bored of the Rings after.
John Milton-- A horrid site defaming Milton as a blank-verse-obsessed misogynist.