Jew

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The average Jew.

Sex Lives

Jews invented the birth control pill, because getting circumsized leaves their penises small, fragile and unable to wear a condom. Jews tend to mate during the night beacause by day they are vampires.Jews wear massive cowboy hats to collet money so they can pay their heating bills. As we all know, Jews have the lowest sex drive of any race , but they have big wallets for some good causes such as prostitutes or becoming prostitutes to satisfy their needs when they need to! When picking prostitutes, Jews will try to go for the least expensive one, usually a 60 year old transvestite. They avoid those with 10 STDs as that would mean medical expenses. Jews will continue to follow this pattern, scientists predict, until the Jew discovers how to masturbate as Christians do with their circumsized penises, and make even bigger savings. Usually, at around the age of 87, the very age when Jews can become rabbits, they generously give away their pubic hair to savings account and with this lose their previous dildo. Also, in doing this, Jews lose their strength and outstanding good physique.

Ashkenazism

Jewsyoulose

A Hollywood Jew in its natural habitat.

Ashkenazic Jews (pronounced "Ash can Nazi"): Known popularly as "International Jews" or "Hollywood Jews" or "goddamn money grubbing hooked nose Jews"

These Jews are known for being business like and cultured. Their favored pastimes include capitalism, Communism (as in Karl Marx), fussing, philosophizing, networking, making Tay-Sachs babies, eating non-Tay-Sachs babies, comedy, and complaining.

Well known Ashkes include director Steven Spielberg, Albert Einstein (inventor of the light bulb, which he stole from Tesla to get back at him for what he said about the unfeasibility of nuclear energy), Steve Ballmer, wacky inventor Simon Bar Sinister, Captain Kirk, Kirk Douglas, Harrison Ford and Superman.

There are at least three sub-categories, these classifications are based primarily on income level, or jew point:

Yids (this is a generic term for Ashkenazim with an annual income below 100,000, most are lovable and wise realists, but most often have to contend with a lot of nervous disorders and bad luck, they are also the first ones attacked by the Cossacks in the fun-loving progroms).

Kikes (Ashkenazim with incomes beyond 100,000 though most often earn far more than that, these guys are pretty tough and tend to control a lot of things, many of them are actually gangsters, they also tend to dislike anyone not of "our crowd", including other types of Jews, especially low class Yid Ashkies, most if not all are also Freemasons).

GothJew (see Gnostic, usually the rebellious children of Kikes, many of them try to piss their parents off by becoming Messianic, Anarchists or Neo-Nazis; see The Believer, the smarter ones however become Communists, or better yet, Anti-Masonic Socialists ;-). See also: Self-hating Jew

They are also known for their brilliant innovations within the Jewish faith by inventing the successful sects of Freemasonry and Communism (both based on Kabbalism, a Khazar religion).

Jude

If you join their club, you get this cool badge.

Weaknesses

Jews have a 2x weakness against fire-based attacks. Adolf Hitler knew of, and exploited, this weakness, which is why he used many furnaces and the occasional Charizard.

The prophet Borat in his compendium of knowlege that is 'Movie-Film For Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan' make it public that Jews can only be easily combatted while in their eggs. Once hatched, they are undefeatable killing and money-making machines. Their ability to shape-shift has made them more than a match for even the hardiest of fighters (eg. Hamas). However, German people's blue eyes allow them to see through this disguise, which resulted in a severe decline in Jew populations in the 1940s. Shame. Luckily, this can never be repeated thanks to Dimitry in Cod5 and his near-extinction of German males.

Jew-jitsu

A blackrobe in Jew-Jitsu is truly a fearsome opponent.

Most Jews also have a dire weakness to Christians. The tears of a Christian causes severe 4th-degree burns that can be only healed through the magical gypsy tears from the almighty Jewdem father of the Greek saviors also called Spartans (this usually does not apply to Khazars, nor to Kabbalists, suggesting that this is probably some weird psychosomatic condition, which is prevalent in the Jewish population, particularly amongst the Ashkenazim, exemplified in the nervous disorders demonstrated by comedic genius, Matt Daemon).

Despite a reputation for weakness, some Eastern Jewish communities still practise the ancient martial art of Jew-Jitsu (not to be confused with Islam-Itsu). This art follows a similar system of rank to other martial arts, but uses coloured robes in place of belts. While originally thought to be similiar to Jiujitsu, they were discovered to be completely different.

Most Khazars and Ashkenazim have formidable business skills and would chase a good deal straight to hell if they could. Thus the best way to defeat them is to either sue them (though, they tend to be heavily armed in this area) or cheat them (though be careful, many of them have "Da' Schwarz").

Jewish American Princess

Important jew information

How to spot the Common Jew (click to enlarge).

This is a very special breed of Jew which is not easily identifiable. It should be noted that all JAP's are female. You can often tell them by their very loud call which sounds something like, "DADDY!". During mating season, JAP's have the longest mating call of all the Jews. It sounds something like, "I have a headache". This call is constantly repeated in the presence of the male and at all times until the male is no longer around, falls asleep in frustration, or abuses himself in an unseemly manner.

Spelling of Jew

The common spelling of Jew can also be replaced with "Joo" or, for the l33t, "j00". The Cockney spelling of "Jew" is "teapot". Jew originates from ancient Christianese to translate to 'messiah killers', or, alternately, 'bagel eaters' or the more common 'Sexy Goat' and 'Piano-morphs' Also you can also correctly spell jew, according to the Torah by uttering the words "David Munk", which translated into hebrew meaning dirty ugly dogface fuck! Red is also stupid!

Can My Jew Transform Into a Piano?

For centuries, Jews in Europe were hunted down and forced to transform into pianos in response to a claim made that the Jew Harp, with its ten strings and ability to look snazzy and travel well, was "overstepping its bounds". After many a millennium of turmoil, the Jew Harp is making a comeback.

It's Melody, being only one because it's creator was too much of a Jew to pay for more, can, in a frampton-esque way, be made to sing "everybody loves somebody sometime, but nobody ever loves a hook-nosed Jew"

You Mixed Your Jew with My Chocolate!

Eating Chocolate Jews is the greatest of the 18 deadly sins, and second greatest of the 17,876,022,863,874,966,513 not-so-deadly sins. Anyone found eating a chocolate Jew would immediately be excommunicated by the greatest power in his ass, purple Jew. is very rare. They wear towels on their heads

If My Jew Becomes a Piano, Is There a Refund?

No, any Jew piano will not be refunded. However, a Jew in the the non-piano form can be traded for 30 silver coins or your choice of a flavored bagel. Or Ben Tannenwaldsteinburgwitz will give you a blow job and steal all your money. (See also pianist.)

What's That On Their Heads?

Stopjewishjokes

NOT A FUCKING CHANCE.

These are called "Jew-beanies" (also Yid Lids, Targets if you're German, or Skull-Caps if you're a fucking moron). They are universal in size, but varied in style. The more elegant Jew may wish to decorate his/her Jew-beanie with ornaments, such as beads and mirrors to compensate for the Christmas Tree. Young Jews regularly nag their parents for a more stylish Jew-beanie ("Mummy can I have that Jew-beanie? Malachi has it!"), and this is understandable, as the more maxxed the Jew-beanie, the more powerful the Jew, and consequently no more Jew-to-Jew name calling in the local synagogue. On top of that, a "tricked out" Jew-beanie causes for Jew women, or sex-bags not to like you, maintaining your faith and loyalty to the rabbi.

Also, these caps become handy in times of conflict. As they have paper-thin edges along the rim of the skull piece, they are ideal throwing weapons. One simply tosses the hat like a Frisbee at their foe and stands back as they watch their opponent become decapitated by their Jewish wrath. For example, "Kung Lao" from Mortal Kombat. Or Oddjob from James Bond are both famous Jews.

Another abstract object on a Jew's head may be what is know as the Jew fro. These are messy and unruly and are among the top 3 nastiest types of fros, trailing only ginger fros and fros of darkness.

The generous and friendly Jew

As far as research has taken us, there is no such thing. However scientists are trying to breed one, but have so far been unsucessful.

Jewish Food

Kosherhuff

A cat being Kosher-ized for slaughter.

The Jewish have a thriving food culture. Most Jews are required by law to eat crackers and sugarless soda. Their most popular dish is crackers in soup which is called Matzo-Ball Soup (tastes just as good as it looks...).

Non Kosher food of the type above is totally unacceptable.

There is also a secret formula called mana, a suspected variation of Jew Bread, but the properties are still not well known. When one eats it, it is said to make one completely invincible to one's enemies (unfortunately, it also temporarily ruins one's vision).

Since Jews are disciplined and scrupulous, food is generally expensive, most Jews tend not to even eat that much, but rather sell food; this has been a very, very lucrative industry, especially with the inclusion of Kosher taxes.

Also known as a new delicacy of the Jews is Pork and Shellfish bread, known for its aphrodisiac qualities.

Jews have also been used as food through out Poland and are the main ingredient in Polish Sausage.

The blood of Christians used to be a favorite with Jews, but has recently been almost abandoned. The average Jew today only engages in vampirism on holidays and special occasions.

The Neo Jew, or New Nazi

Jews4dummies

An updated version of Mein Kampf revamped for the Internet generation.

Theodore Herschel and his band of Israelites realized that they did not have the manpower to thwart the invading Arabs. As they read the newspapers from their countries of birth, they started gaining a great resentment towards the Jews making money and getting fat back home in Babylon (land of filthy, greasy sausages and Goyim who spend too much money). Thus, Herschel prayed to the great prophet Moses Hess and the Great Priest of Germania to summon a new Champion who would drive the traitors towards their destiny creating The Glorious and Magnificent Nation, or meet the fate of Lot's wife. Thus, The Name took possession of a more or less ordinary, disinfected Emo-mutt named Schicklegruber, miraculously, in as little less than a few years, the Sword was offered power beyond his wildest dreams, and a magnificent voice of thunder, which at times, where said to emanate from heaven itself, and with that voice, he shattered The Exhile, and offered a powerful ultimatum: Build the Great Nation Or Suffer the Consequences! But most of them did not! They rather die in Sodom than offer their hand for their brethren fighting so heroically against the invaders to create the Kingdom of Heaven. Many of them, thus, suffered the same fate that has befallen them, as the great Rabbi Ovadaiah Yussef says, many lifetimes ago.

Jews in the Middle East

The 2008 G8 sumit saw one of the greatest debates on what should be done on the shortage of Jews found in the Middle East. Despite none of the G8 members being from the Middle East they concluded that there should be mass exporting of Jews into the Middle East as a way to reduce the devastating effects of the credit crunch, as the Jews rarely buy anything that's on sale, this slowed the pace of circulation of money in the West. Despite there being a shortage of Jews in the Middle East, the Iranninan Pesident seemed delighted at the prospect of this "Khatam mah joomhouri death to america koshti berenj shirin destroy israel mahdavikia ba raham we have a nuclear program salam jounam ghatar and we're gona nuke u." The lack of Jews in the region is thought to be because of the way Jews feel when living in a society that looks down on over-sized noses and being extreemly picky on what one eats. And i have a huge flabby vagina on my face, you see what these dam jews did to me!

More places to find these Jews

Since a moron closed the Jews article from further edits (because of a few bigots got away with it), someone please include my additional edits on where else you find Jews, Jewish people or "god's chosen people" in the most expected places.

Cities and Towns:

  • New York, New York, New York (the city).
  • New York state (alot).
  • New Jersey (some).
  • New England (a few).
  • New Zealand (even fewer).
  • Antwerp, Zeeland, Belgium and Germany(just kidding!)
  • Amsterdam, Holland, Netherlands.
  • Washington, D.C.
  • L.A., mainly the "West side".
  • Brentwood, California.
  • Westwood, California.
  • Hollywood, Florida.
  • Hollywood, California.
  • West Hollywood, California.
  • North Hollywood, California.
  • Hollywood Hills, California.
  • Beverly Hills, California.
  • Beverly Hills, Michigan.
  • Santa Monica Bay, California.
  • San Francisco Bay, California.
  • The Bay State of Massachusetts (it's rich, liberal, diverse, politically correct and Democrat blue...guess who?)
  • Chesapeake Bay (Jewish, they often meet at a hotel that allows Jews.)
  • San Francisco Bay (more Jewish, Berkeley is Jew-central.)
  • Green Bay (1 Jew per 10,000 residents, that's 8.6 seats out of 86,000 in Lambeau Field.)
  • Tampa Bay (Oy Vey, St. Petersburg Florida's sister city is Russian.)
  • Palm Bay, Florida (Hey, they call it the Yevrey Autonomous oblast.)
  • Palm Beach, Florida (kinda gay.)
  • Palm Springs, California (more gays though.)
  • Palm Desert, California (even more Jewish.)
  • Palmdale, California (they all moved out of Glendale CA.)
  • Glendale, Arizona (most Jewish city outside of Little Odessa.)
  • Las Vegas, Nevada (either it's them or the Mormons...or worst, Armenians.)
  • Las Vegas, New Mexico (retirement homes are full of 'em smell like matzo.)
  • Westside Los Angeles, California (representin' the 'Brews foo.)
  • Westside story New York (our gang goes by the name "Jews".)
  • East Rutherford, New Jersey (home to the New York JEWS NFL team, go Jews!)
  • East Chicago, Indiana (Bears fan territory, screw Jews and Packers too.)
  • West Chicago, Illinois (All the town has NO lights every Friday night).
  • Potomac, Va. Md. D.C.? (Jews in the ADL urge Redskins to change their team name, they always sent in lawyers to defend every minority group, like Nazis in Skokie.)
  • Phoenix (who you think owns the Phoenix Suns NBA team? Wayne Gretzky...No.)
  • Sun City, Arizona (DUH...)
  • Sun City, California (YEA...)
  • Sun City, Florida (OK..)
  • Orange County, California (The O.C. stands for "Obsessive Cheap".)
  • Orange County, Florida (stands for Obviously Chabad.)
  • Orange County, New York (stands for Orthodox colonies galore.)
  • South Florida (except Little Havana or Calle Ocho.)
  • South New Jersey (Summer homes for winter residents, mostly Jews.)
  • South Carolina Coasts (Winter homes for summer residents, same here.)
  • Jewtown, Georgia (yes, there's an actual community with that name.)

...and Koreatowns (the owners, they simply hire Koreans as clerks.).

Other Random Places:

  • The U.S. Democratic party.
  • The U.S. Federal Reserve.
  • Wal-mart board of executives.
  • Tony Roma's (elderly couples with Brooklynese Yiddish acccents take up the waiters' time for a Kosher rib choice. Actually, there's none and it's a waste of time looking for it.)
  • Hebrew National hot dog stands (1% of the vendors, 50% are Arab, 48% are Greek, and the rest are Iranian, East Indian, Turkish or any ethnic group mistaken for Jewish.)
  • Tony's Pizza factories (cheap pizza is better than bagels and lox.)
  • PETA (where Animal rights nutcases and Kosher Jews have one thing in common, don't hurt the bull's...you know, the calves circumcized humanely is holy.)
  • Managerial offices of sports teams (planning home games to not fall on the Sabbath.)
  • Public education offices (Very hot-bed of liberal left-wing anti-Christian anti-American propaganda, they seem to dumb down Gentiles, esp. the black ones while they take their kids to Yeshivas.)
  • Human relations offices (sensitivity training is one of Jews' favorites to make the gentiles bow down, kiss their feet and hand them their wallets.)
  • Palestinian American organizations (you noticed American Jews oppose hate crimes against Arab Americans? I thought they are their worst enemies!)
  • African American churches (Jews love black people, except black people don't love them back. I thought they are their best friends!)
  • Women's rights meetings (Jewish women can't be proper Christian housewifes.)
  • Bank offices (a few cms. away from doors of customer account vaults.)
  • Your local media outlet (be it TV, radio and newspaper, or the very internet server about to cut me off...THEY KNOW WHO I AM and WHO YOU ARE.)
  • ...and finally, a 50-50% chance I may be a Jew myself.

See Also

External links


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