Jew

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

(Difference between revisions)
Jump to: navigation, search
(See also)
m (Why did you do this? I'll explain in a minute)
Line 1: Line 1:
{{Whoops|small penis|jew 'fro|creamatoria}}
 
[[Image:Jewbacca.jpg|250px|right|thumb|Jewbacca (A Typical Jew).]]
 
{{Q|It started off as a joke!|[[Hitler]] on killing millions of Jews}}
 
 
{{Q|He told us it was a friendly game of paintballing...|[[Random Nazi]] on Hitler telling them to kill millions of Jews}}
 
 
{{Q|I guess it is kind of odd that they didn't have any guns.|[[Same Nazi]] on the Jews}}
 
 
{{Q|Look you fools! They constantly lie, just look at their NOSES! See...hah! Proof positive at last, thanks for the tip Pinnochio.|King Olaaf Tyvyrgoldyrhelwom on the Jews}}
 
 
{{Q|Hitler didn't really get along with the Jews|[[Captain Understatement]] on Hitler/Jew relationship}}
 
 
{{Q|If it doesn't make [[consecutive]] sense then it's certainly a jew.|Ancient chinese proverb}}
 
 
Warning: this article was written by Nazis in a plot to exterminate the Jews. For the real truth see [[Jew]].
 
 
 
'''Jews''', more commonly known as '''''der Juden''''', (and are usually right about things...) generally whine and complain about anything and everything and have a habit of sending others to fight their wars for them and see themselves as perpetual victims. They also constantly ask for handouts from the US government in the form of Holocaust reparations (or any government for that matter) when they are very well capable of supporting themselves. But do not mention this to them, because their response will automatically be some babble about a [[Norse]] mythology called "[[Holocaust]]" and antisemitism. According to the mythology way more Russians died during the holocaust but no-one has ever seen them complaining about it, certainly not nearly as much as the Jews anyhow. That is, however, the general nature of the Jew; whining and complaining day and night and milking things until eternity, as long as it can get them some cash and make them have their way in the world. After all there is no business like Shoah business.
 
 
{{factoid|That the Jew is a docile creature when left alone but beware, you should never approach an unfamiliar Jew within a mile's radius of a national bank}}
 
 
== Motto ==
 
Hayden Skates once slept with seven Jews. The creation of which was more Jews.
 
 
== Games ==
 
According to behavioral scientist Dr. Eric T. Cartman, Jews always play stupid games. Cartman concluded from his studies that Jews were lame, because of the stupid games. Dreidel is the gayest thing ever, yodeled Cartman.
 
 
==Sex Lives ==
 
[[Image:Jews4dummies.PNG|thumb|175px|right|An updated version of Mein Kampf revamped for the Internet generation.]]
 
'''Jews''' invented the birth control pill, because getting circumsized leaves their penises small, fragile and unable to wear a condom. [[Jews]] tend to mate during the night because by day they are vampires. As we all know, [[Jews]] have the lowest sex drive of any race. [[Jews]] will continue to follow this pattern, scientists predict, until the Jew discovers how to masturbate [[Premarital wanking|as Christians do]] with their circumsized penises, and make even bigger savings. Also, in doing this, Jews lose their strength and outstanding good physique.
 
 
==Ashkenatzim==
 
[[Image:Jewsyoulose.jpg|thumb|right|A Hollywood Jew in its natural habitat.]]
 
[[British|Ashkenazic Jews]] (pronounced "Ari Kalfus"): Known popularly as "International Jews", "Hollywood Jews" or "New York Bankers". They brag about how white they are, but don't let that fool you. The [[KKK]] would know who's white or not!
 
 
These [[Jews]] are known for being [[Mafia|business like]] and cultured. Their favored pastimes include [[capitalism]], [[Communism]] (as in [[Karl Marx]]), fussing, [[philosophy|philosophizing]], [[networking]], making Tay-Sachs babies, [[comedy]], and complaining.
 
 
Well known Ashkes include director [[Steven Spielberg]], [[Albert Einstein]] (inventor of the light bulb, which he stole from Tesla to get back at him for what he said about the unfeasibility of nuclear energy), [[Steve Ballmer]], wacky inventor [[Simon Bar Sinister]], [[William Shatner| Captain Kirk]], Kirk Douglas, [[Harrison Ford]], [[Mel Brooks]] and [[Superman]].
 
 
There are at least four sub-categories, these classifications are based primarily on income level, or '''jew point''':
 
 
'''Yids''' (this is a generic term for Ashkenazim with an annual income below 100,000, most are lovable and wise realists, but most often have to contend with a lot of nervous disorders and bad luck. they are also the first ones attacked by the Cossacks in the fun-loving programmes).
 
 
(Ashkenazim with incomes beyond 100,000 though most often earn far more than that, these guys are pretty tough and tend to control a lot of things, many of them are actually [[gangsters]], they also tend to dislike anyone not of "''our crowd''", including other types of Jews, especially low class Yid Ashkies, most if not all are also [[Freemason]]s).
 
 
'''GothJew''' (see [[Gnostic]], usually the rebellious children of Kikes, many of them try to piss their parents off by becoming Messianic, [[Anarchist]]s or Neo-Nazis; see ''The Believer'', the smarter ones however become [[Communism|Communists]], or better yet, Anti-Masonic Socialists ;-). See also: [[Self-hating Jew]] and Prominent Nazi leaders.
 
 
'''Non-practicing Jew''' (Jews by race) They are also known for their brilliant innovations within the [[Jew]]ish faith by inventing the successful sects of [[Islam]],[[Christianity]], [[Atheism]], [[Freemason|Freemasonry]] and [[Communism]] (both based on [[Kabbalah|Kabbalism]], a Khazar religion).
 
 
'''Hebe''' (see [[Hebrew]]), another polite term for "God's chosen people".
 
 
'''Ninjew''' ([[Ninjew]]) (The skilled and secretive jew warriors, who excel in the arts of assassination and sneakiness. They are single handedly responsible for the death of [[Hitler]]). They may also have played a role in the deaths of President [[John F. Kennedy]] and his assassin [[Lee Harvey Oswald]].
 
 
'''Other''' breeds of jews are the '''mitzrakhevim''' and the '''microsephalic'''.
 
 
[[Image:Jude.jpg|thumb|left|195px|If you join their club, you get this cool badge.]]
 
 
==Weaknesses==
 
[[Jews]] have a 2x weakness against fire-based attacks. [[Adolf Hitler]] knew of, and exploited, this weakness, which is why he used many furnaces and the occasional Charizard.
 
 
The prophet Borat in his compendium of knowledge that is 'Movie-Film For Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan' make it public that Jews can only be easily combatted while in their eggs. Once hatched, they are undefeatable killing and money-making machines.
 
Their ability to shape-shift (perfectly demonstrated in 'Terminator 2') has made them more than a match for even the hardiest of fighters (eg. Hamas). However, German people's blue eyes allow them to see through this disguise, which resulted in a severe decline in Jew populations in the 1940s. Shame. Luckily, this can never be repeated thanks to Dimitry in Cod5 and his near-extinction of German males.
 
 
[[Image:Jew-jitsu.jpg|left|thumb|A black robe in Jew-Jitsu is truly a fearsome opponent.]]
 
Most [[Jews]] also have a dire weakness to Christians. The tears of a Christian causes severe 4th-degree burns that can be only healed through the magical gypsy tears from the almighty Jewdem father of the Greek saviors also called Spartans (this usually does not apply to Khazars, nor to Kabbalists, suggesting that this is probably some weird psychosomatic condition, which is prevalent in the [[Jew]]ish population, particularly amongst the Ashkenazim, exemplified in the nervous disorders demonstrated by comedic genius, Matt Daemon).
 
 
Despite a reputation for weakness, some Eastern Jewish communities still practise the ancient martial art of [[Jew-Jitsu]] (not to be confused with Islam-Itsu). This art follows a similar system of rank to other martial arts, but uses coloured robes in place of belts. While originally thought to be similar to Jiujitsu, they were discovered to be completely different.
 
 
Most Khazars and Ashkenazim have formidable business skills and would chase a good deal straight to hell if they could. Thus the best way to defeat them is to either sue them (though, they tend to be heavily armed in this area) or cheat them (though be careful, many of them have "Da' Schwarz").
 
 
==[[Jew]]ish American Princess==
 
This is a very special breed of [[Jew]] which is not easily identifiable. It should be noted that all JAP's are female. You can often tell them by their very loud call which sounds something like, "DADDY!". During mating season, JAP's have the longest mating call of all the [[Jews]]. It sounds something like, "I have a headache". This call is constantly repeated in the presence of the male and at all times until the male is no longer around, falls asleep in frustration, or abuses himself in an unseemly manner.
 
 
==Spelling of ''[[Jew]]''==
 
The common spelling of ''[[Jew]]'' can also be replaced with "[[Joo]]" or, for the [[1337:1337|l33t]], "j00". The Cockney spelling of "[[Jew]]" is "teapot". [[Jew]] originates from ancient Christianese to translate to 'messiah killers', or, alternately, 'bagel eaters' or the more common 'Sexy Goat' and 'Piano-morphs' Also you can also correctly spell jew, according to the Torah by uttering the words "David Munk", which translated into hebrew meaning dirty ugly dogface fuck! Red is also stupid! Also it's important to know JEWS are initials for '''J'''udaist '''E'''uropean '''W'''hite '''S'''emites.
 
 
==Can My [[Jew]] Transform Into a Piano?==
 
For centuries, [[Jews]] in [[Europe]] were hunted down and forced to transform into [[piano]]s in response to a claim made that the Jew Harp, with its ten strings and ability to look snazzy and travel well, was "overstepping its bounds". After many a millennium of turmoil, the Jew Harp is making a comeback.
 
 
==Famous Jews==
 
===Count Von Count===
 
<i>Count Von Count</i>, the famous character from the Children's Television Programme, Sesame Street, was actually born Larry Ruebenstien. He changed his name to Count Von Count to conceal his identity in 1969 when Sesame Street premiered on television. Over the years, however, he was unable to hide his Jewish roots mainly because of his humongous hook nose, his talent for counting money, pronouncing his "v's" like "w's," and for his thriftiness living in abandoned castles on Sesame Street.
 
[[Image:Countjew.JPG|thumb|195px|right|Count Von Count doing typical Jewish things like cheating Gentiles out of their money, or in this case, Cookie Monster out of his Cookies.]]
 
 
===[[Jesus]]===
 
Probably the most famous [[Jew]] of all times is [[Jesus Christ]]. Some people say he was [[Black People|Black]]. [[Jesus]] was a horrible [[Jew]] and a [[false prophet]]. That is why his own people (a.k.a. the [[Jews]]) nailed him to a cross and left him to die. Some [[Christians|people]] believe that Jesus was resurrected after three days but this is clearly impossible because Jews love money so much that they had to make sure Jesus was completely dead and would not have let him be resurrected. Jesus's [[masturbation|death]] is celebrated by the Jews every year on [[Hannukah|Chanukah]].
 
 
==You Mixed Your Jew with My [[Chocolate]]!==
 
Eating Chocolate [[Jews]] is the greatest of the 18 deadly sins, and second greatest of the 17,876,022,863,874,966,513 not-so-deadly sins. Anyone found eating a chocolate [[Jew]] would immediately be excommunicated by the greatest power in his ass, purple [[Jew]]. This kind of Jewry is very rare. They wear towels on their heads. However, they hate Jews a lot more than White people and Christmas.
 
 
==If My Jew Becomes a Piano, Is There a Refund?==
 
No, any [[Jew]] piano will not be refunded. However, a [[Jew]] in the the non-piano form can be traded for 30 silver coins or your choice of a flavored [[bagel]]. Or Ben Tannenwaldsteinburgwitz will give you a blow job and steal all your money.
 
''(See also [[pianist]].)''
 
 
==What's That On Their Heads?==
 
[[Image:Stopjewishjokes.jpg|thumb|right|300px|The man who shamed Woody Allen, Larry David and Sacha Baron Cohen into retirement]]
 
These are called "Jew-beanies" (also Yid Lids, Targets if you're German, Kippot if you're actually Jewish, Yarmulkies if you think you know what you're talking about, or Skull-Caps if you're a fucking moron). They are universal in size, but varied in style. The more elegant [[Jew]] may wish to decorate his/her Jew-beanie with ornaments, such as beads and mirrors to compensate for the Christmas Tree. Young Jews regularly nag their parents for a more stylish Jew-beanie ("Mummy can I have that Jew-beanie? [[Malachi]] has it!"), and this is understandable, as the more maxxed the Jew-beanie, the more powerful the [[Jew]], and consequently no more [[Jew]]-to-[[Jew]] name calling in the local [[synagogue]]. On top of that, a "tricked out" Jew-beanie causes for Jew women, or sex-bags not to like you, maintaining your faith and loyalty to the rabbi.
 
 
Also, these caps become handy in times of conflict. As they have paper-thin edges along the rim of the skull piece, they are ideal throwing weapons. One simply tosses the hat like a [[Frisbee]] at their foe and stands back as they watch their opponent become decapitated by their [[Jew]]ish wrath. For example, "Kung Lao" from [[Mortal Kombat]]. Or [[Oddjob]] from [[James Bond]] are both famous [[Jews]].
 
 
Another abstract object on a Jew's head may be what is known as the [[Jew]] fro. These are messy and unruly and are among the top 3 nastiest types of fros, trailing only ginger fros and fros of darkness.
 
 
 
(pictured right) a jew taking offence to people calling them human and intelligent.
 
 
==Jewish Food==
 
The [[Jew]]ish have a thriving food culture. Most [[Jews]] are required by law to eat crackers and sugarless soda. Their most popular dish is crackers in soup which is called Matzo-Ball Soup (tastes just as good as it looks...). There is a very special relationship between food and Jewish festivals:
 
'They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat!'
 
This is the summary of almost every festival known to Jews so far.
 
 
Non Kosher food of the type above is totally unacceptable.
 
 
There is also a secret formula called manna, a suspected variation of [[Jew]] Bread, but the properties are still not well known. When one eats it, it is said to make one completely invincible to one's enemies (unfortunately, it also temporarily ruins one's vision).
 
 
Since [[Jews]] are disciplined and scrupulous, food is generally expensive, most [[Jews]] tend not to even eat that much, but rather sell food; this has been a very, very lucrative industry, especially with the inclusion of Kosher taxes.
 
 
Also known as a new delicacy of the [[Jews]] is Pork and Shellfish bread, known for its aphrodisiac qualities.
 
 
[[Jews]] have also been used as food through out [[Poland]] and are the main ingredient in Polish Sausage.
 
 
The blood of Christians used to be a favorite with Jews, but has recently been almost abandoned. The average Jew today only engages in vampirism on holidays and special occasions.
 
 
Specifically, they like to eat bagels. The way a Jew eats a bagel denotes their class in their synagogue.
 
 
*Simple congregation members commonly eat plain bagels.
 
*Members who have made small donations to the synagogue may eat toasted bagels.
 
*The higher echelons of Jews, and those who made large donations, can eat toasted bagels with cream cheese.
 
*Only the rabbi and other very important religious figures may eat lox on their bagels.
 
 
That was in the Torah too although it was conveniently ommitted from the English transliteration. That is why reform Jews don't usually follow this rule.
 
 
==Jew Powers==
 
Jews are known to have a variety of powers to enable them to steal vast amounts of money. The most famous power of which is the Jewish Nose, the jewish nose can sniff out any and all money you have on you or had on you, this includes credit cards, checks, and various other sources of income. A little known power of the Jews is the Jew claw that enables them to steal without any evidence. However this can be easily deflected by the "Block away" technique demonstrated by Borat. It is unknown why the Jews did not use their powers to overcome the Nazi's but it is speculated that the Nazi's had some kind of Jew repellent codnamed "Hitler" The powers of Jews are still being explored by scientists. Most notably Einstein has made the most progress in this area though progress has slowed down considerably since his death. Hopefully in time we will understand from where the Jew powers originated.
 
 
==How to Protect Yourself from [[Jew]] Powers==
 
[[Image:hitler aufgeregt.jpg‎|thumb|150px|Here's the type of weapon to use against the [[Jew]]]]
 
If you have [[money]] on you and are around even one [[Jew]] take these precautions. Have a [[cross]] on you. [[Jews]] are extremely vulnerable to anything that isn't [[Jewish]]. Once it touches their skin it will burn right on through. Next, have fake money. If a [[Jew]] tries to mug you for your cash, you can give them the fake bills before running away. And be sure not to let them see your face. [[Jews]] are extremely resourceful and can find you even if they only know what you look like. If you think you can defend yourself with pepper spray, think again bitch. [[Jews]] can also use their incredibly oversized [[Jew Noses]] as eyes. If you spray their NORMAL eyes they can still find you and attack.
 
 
==The Neo Jew, or New Nazi==
 
[[Image:Jews4dummies.PNG|thumb|175px|right|An updated version of Mein Kampf revamped for the Internet generation.]]
 
Theodore Herschel and his band of Israelites realized that they did not have the manpower to thwart the invading Arabs. As they read the newspapers from their countries of birth, they started gaining a great resentment towards the [[Jews]] making money and getting fat back home in [[Germany|Babylon]] (land of filthy, greasy [[sausage]]s and [[morons|Goyim]] who spend too much [[money]]). Thus, Herschel prayed to the great prophet Moses Hess and the Great Priest of Germania to summon a new [[insane|Champion]] who would drive the traitors towards their [[Palestine|destiny]] creating [[Israel|The Glorious and Magnificent Nation]], or meet the fate of Lot's wife.
 
 
Thus, [[Bank|The Name]] took possession of a more or less ordinary, disinfected [[Emo]]-mutt named [[Adolf Hitler|Schicklegruber]], miraculously, in as little less than a few years, the Sword was offered power beyond his wildest dreams, and a magnificent voice of thunder, which at times, where said to emanate from heaven itself, and with that voice, he shattered [[business|The Exile]], and offered a powerful ultimatum: [[Genocide|Build the Great Nation]] Or [[Genocide|Suffer the Consequences]]!
 
 
But most of them did not! They rather die in Sodom than offer their hand for their brethren fighting so heroically against the invaders to create the Kingdom of Heaven. Many of them, thus, suffered the same fate that has befallen them, as the great Rabbi Ovadaiah Yussef said, many lifetimes ago.
 
 
==Jews in the Middle East==
 
The 2008 G8 summit saw one of the greatest debates on what should be done on the shortage of Jews found in the Middle East. Despite none of the G8 members being from the Middle East they concluded that there should be mass exporting of Jews into the Middle East as a way to reduce the devastating effects of the credit crunch, as the Jews rarely buy anything that's not on sale, this slowed the pace of circulation of money in the West. Despite there being a shortage of Jews in the Middle East, the Iraninan President seemed delighted at the prospect of this "Khatam mah joomhouri death to america koshti berenj shirin destroy israel mahdavikia ba raham we have a nuclear program salam jounam ghatar and we're gonna nuke u."
 
The lack of Jews in the region is thought to be because of the way Jews feel when living in a society that looks down on over-sized noses and being extremely picky on what one eats.
 
 
== More places to find these Jews ==
 
Since a moron closed the [[Jews]] article from further edits (because of a few bigots got away with it), someone please include my additional edits on where else you find Jews, Jewish people or "god's chosen people" in the most expected places.
 
 
 
==Jewish History: The Big Picture==
 
==Jewish History: The Big Picture==
<div style="border-top:1px solid gray; border-bottom:1px solid gray; padding-top:5px; padding-bottom:5px; margin-bottom:20px">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;'' This section is about Jewish history.</div>
+
<div style="border-top:1px solid gray; border-bottom:1px solid gray; padding-top:5px; padding-bottom:5px; margin-bottom:20px">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;'' This section is about Jewish history. For the classic version about the Jewish stereotype see [[Jew/Classic]]</div>
 
[[Image:Rabbi1.jpg|right|thumb|300px|"As they say in the old country: ''Shalom!''"]]
 
[[Image:Rabbi1.jpg|right|thumb|300px|"As they say in the old country: ''Shalom!''"]]
 
===Foreword by Rabbi Shlomo Gazlan===
 
===Foreword by Rabbi Shlomo Gazlan===
Line 200: Line 47:
 
'''HA! We should be so lucky! No, we were expected to haul boulders for their pyramids until we were kaput, and for what? A palmful of salt and a slice of unleavened bread! We realized that if we were ever going to be able to quit with the hard labor and move to something a little more [[Doctor|white]] [[Lawyer|collar]], we'd have to raise our asking price. After all, who will care if poor Berechiah gets pinned under a stone if we're literally a dime a dozen? It all started with one bright young economist: Nathan Noah Naomi Neriah Immanuel Moses. His friends called him Nate, but they're all kaput, so he's Moses now. But let me tell you more about this whole slavery history'''.
 
'''HA! We should be so lucky! No, we were expected to haul boulders for their pyramids until we were kaput, and for what? A palmful of salt and a slice of unleavened bread! We realized that if we were ever going to be able to quit with the hard labor and move to something a little more [[Doctor|white]] [[Lawyer|collar]], we'd have to raise our asking price. After all, who will care if poor Berechiah gets pinned under a stone if we're literally a dime a dozen? It all started with one bright young economist: Nathan Noah Naomi Neriah Immanuel Moses. His friends called him Nate, but they're all kaput, so he's Moses now. But let me tell you more about this whole slavery history'''.
   
===Canaan===
+
==Canaan==
 
In the ''very'' beginning, there was this guy named Abraham. He came from [[Long Island|Babylon]], where he had smashed idols with a club and an axe, and he then rode Barny the Bronco through Brooklyn and then Manhattan (going through Jamaica, of course), until he came upon a frontier town called Hebron. He set up a cowboy shop and started a decent ranch goin'. One fine day, God comes out of nowhar and started asking Abraham to sacrifice his sonny on some mountain or other. So he saddled his hoss and took his boy, and out came the axe when some animal rudely interrupted him. A woman name of Judy owned the animal, a nice looking ram. She haggled with God, and ultimately the latter went, "Okay, fine. Go with the ram. If you ladies like people, then you might as well keep the people!". In Judy's honor, her idea that people were better off alive rather than sacrificed was called "Judy-ism". And so Abe had kids, Abe's sonny had kids, and those kids had kids, and eventually the kids of kids of kids of kids got into trouble with the wonderful [[idiot|politicians]] running Egypt, particularly the more kinky of the bunch. This led to 400 years of bondage, sadism, masochism, and otherwise strange-ish sex.
 
In the ''very'' beginning, there was this guy named Abraham. He came from [[Long Island|Babylon]], where he had smashed idols with a club and an axe, and he then rode Barny the Bronco through Brooklyn and then Manhattan (going through Jamaica, of course), until he came upon a frontier town called Hebron. He set up a cowboy shop and started a decent ranch goin'. One fine day, God comes out of nowhar and started asking Abraham to sacrifice his sonny on some mountain or other. So he saddled his hoss and took his boy, and out came the axe when some animal rudely interrupted him. A woman name of Judy owned the animal, a nice looking ram. She haggled with God, and ultimately the latter went, "Okay, fine. Go with the ram. If you ladies like people, then you might as well keep the people!". In Judy's honor, her idea that people were better off alive rather than sacrificed was called "Judy-ism". And so Abe had kids, Abe's sonny had kids, and those kids had kids, and eventually the kids of kids of kids of kids got into trouble with the wonderful [[idiot|politicians]] running Egypt, particularly the more kinky of the bunch. This led to 400 years of bondage, sadism, masochism, and otherwise strange-ish sex.
   
===We Were Slaves in Egypt===
+
==We Were Slaves in Egypt==
 
Slavery in Egypt was the way of things until [[Moses]] had his revelation. Until about 950 years before that con-man [[Jesus Christ]] was born (what we did to him was a stroke of pure genius, but that's for another story), Jews were most likely to be found contentedly toiling away building monuments and highways for the [[Nazi|Egyptians]], while the Egyptians themselves busied themselves with [[mummy|cat preservation]] and [[Monty Python|walking in a silly way]]. Jews were plentiful and breeding like rabbits, happy in the knowledge that their abundant offspring would be assured gainful employment, plenty of spicy Egyptian food, and at least three beatings per week. While this suited most fine, there were a few uppity Jews that thought they might be entitled to something more. These rabble rousers were organized by Moses and his brother Aaron.
 
Slavery in Egypt was the way of things until [[Moses]] had his revelation. Until about 950 years before that con-man [[Jesus Christ]] was born (what we did to him was a stroke of pure genius, but that's for another story), Jews were most likely to be found contentedly toiling away building monuments and highways for the [[Nazi|Egyptians]], while the Egyptians themselves busied themselves with [[mummy|cat preservation]] and [[Monty Python|walking in a silly way]]. Jews were plentiful and breeding like rabbits, happy in the knowledge that their abundant offspring would be assured gainful employment, plenty of spicy Egyptian food, and at least three beatings per week. While this suited most fine, there were a few uppity Jews that thought they might be entitled to something more. These rabble rousers were organized by Moses and his brother Aaron.
   
===Enter Moses===
+
==Enter Moses==
 
Moses was a chipper young lad, all bright and full of ideas, so it was only natural that he would be a terrible, useless slave. His owners frequently told him this, mostly through the medium of [[Interpretive Death|interpretive beatings]]. Moses was unfazed, and the numerous concussions only sharpened his [[$|economic intellect]]. He had always been good with numbers, as a lost text containing teachings of Moses' mother, Jochebed, discovered in the early 18th century shows:
 
Moses was a chipper young lad, all bright and full of ideas, so it was only natural that he would be a terrible, useless slave. His owners frequently told him this, mostly through the medium of [[Interpretive Death|interpretive beatings]]. Moses was unfazed, and the numerous concussions only sharpened his [[$|economic intellect]]. He had always been good with numbers, as a lost text containing teachings of Moses' mother, Jochebed, discovered in the early 18th century shows:
   
Line 214: Line 61:
 
[[Image:Burningstarofdavid.jpg|thumb|right|300px|It was known throughout the generations that whenever the Jews were in demand, a flaming Star of David would be visible at night time.]]
 
[[Image:Burningstarofdavid.jpg|thumb|right|300px|It was known throughout the generations that whenever the Jews were in demand, a flaming Star of David would be visible at night time.]]
   
===The Exodus===
+
==The Exodus==
 
Although slavery afforded the Jews a life of relative comfort, it would never raise the value of the Jewish people to the level they desired. So Jewish instigators Moses and Aaron negotiated with Pharaoh to leave Egypt with its plentiful food, and wander through the desert for 40 years. Initially Pharaoh was reluctant to relinquish his hold on the Jew community, but after a few of Aaron's cheap magic tricks (including rubber snakes in a can, red dye in a river, and conjuring thousands of amphibians and insects on a whim), Pharaoh readily agreed. The harsh conditions of the desert claimed an entire generation, somewhat successfully increasing the value of Jews as a commodity. During a heat and dehydration-induced fever, Moses had a final flash of brilliance. He decided the Jews would be even more valuable if they were perceived to come from an exotic foreign land. He concocted a back story about a Jewish homeland, called it Israel and renamed the Jews Israelites.
 
Although slavery afforded the Jews a life of relative comfort, it would never raise the value of the Jewish people to the level they desired. So Jewish instigators Moses and Aaron negotiated with Pharaoh to leave Egypt with its plentiful food, and wander through the desert for 40 years. Initially Pharaoh was reluctant to relinquish his hold on the Jew community, but after a few of Aaron's cheap magic tricks (including rubber snakes in a can, red dye in a river, and conjuring thousands of amphibians and insects on a whim), Pharaoh readily agreed. The harsh conditions of the desert claimed an entire generation, somewhat successfully increasing the value of Jews as a commodity. During a heat and dehydration-induced fever, Moses had a final flash of brilliance. He decided the Jews would be even more valuable if they were perceived to come from an exotic foreign land. He concocted a back story about a Jewish homeland, called it Israel and renamed the Jews Israelites.
   
 
Aaron, on the other hand, went in a different direction. How better to thin out their numbers than to piss off Yahweh? To that end, he collected all the jewelry the Jews had managed to [[steal|earn]] during their time as slaves, melted it down and fashioned it into an idol sure to upset Yahweh: a statue of [[You have two cows|Yahweh's mother-in-law]]. Yahweh spoke to Moses and suggested murdering a significant portion of Jews as punishment. Moses and Aaron immediately saw the wisdom in this opportunity and killed a third of the Jewish population; then they had a nice nosh and contemplated what to do next.
 
Aaron, on the other hand, went in a different direction. How better to thin out their numbers than to piss off Yahweh? To that end, he collected all the jewelry the Jews had managed to [[steal|earn]] during their time as slaves, melted it down and fashioned it into an idol sure to upset Yahweh: a statue of [[You have two cows|Yahweh's mother-in-law]]. Yahweh spoke to Moses and suggested murdering a significant portion of Jews as punishment. Moses and Aaron immediately saw the wisdom in this opportunity and killed a third of the Jewish population; then they had a nice nosh and contemplated what to do next.
   
===Interlude by Rabbi Shlomo Gazlan===
+
==Interlude by Rabbi Shlomo Gazlan==
 
'''And then came that whole business of us being brought up to the mountain being chosen as God's people and getting the ten commandments. But there is one thing they don't really tell you'''.
 
'''And then came that whole business of us being brought up to the mountain being chosen as God's people and getting the ten commandments. But there is one thing they don't really tell you'''.
   
Line 244: Line 91:
 
'''That's better. So, onwards went Moses into what became our first venture into self inflicted genocide.'''
 
'''That's better. So, onwards went Moses into what became our first venture into self inflicted genocide.'''
   
===Canaan (again!)===
+
==Canaan (again!)==
 
After the Jews had wandered aimlessly in the desert for 40 years, Moses determined that the attrition rate was not sufficient to overcome the Jewish proclivity for breeding. They were reproducing like they were still comfortable Egyptian slaves. Moses and Aaron decided that if they were ever going to get the population down to a valuable amount they were going to have to try something different. Aaron, always the practical one, suggested they attempt to conquer some land. Moses knew that a lengthy war to take and keep a territory for themselves had the potential to wipe out at least a whole generation of Jews, thereby not only lowering the population, but severely hindering future breeding. He also realized his own experiments at [[circumcision|sterilizing the population]] were famously unsuccessful. Moses set his sights on Canaan, which at the time served as a busy trading hub as well as the only source of kosher hot dogs, coincidentally Moses favorite food.
 
After the Jews had wandered aimlessly in the desert for 40 years, Moses determined that the attrition rate was not sufficient to overcome the Jewish proclivity for breeding. They were reproducing like they were still comfortable Egyptian slaves. Moses and Aaron decided that if they were ever going to get the population down to a valuable amount they were going to have to try something different. Aaron, always the practical one, suggested they attempt to conquer some land. Moses knew that a lengthy war to take and keep a territory for themselves had the potential to wipe out at least a whole generation of Jews, thereby not only lowering the population, but severely hindering future breeding. He also realized his own experiments at [[circumcision|sterilizing the population]] were famously unsuccessful. Moses set his sights on Canaan, which at the time served as a busy trading hub as well as the only source of kosher hot dogs, coincidentally Moses favorite food.
   
 
After several years of fighting and the death of thousands, the Jews were finally able to drive out all Gentiles and got down to business settling their newfound home. Moses decreed that all Jews would only plant peanuts and sunflowers knowing that the crops would fail in the harsh climate. Moses also decreed that all Jews only raise pigs, which of course they weren't allowed to eat. Moses' plan to starve the Jews worked well until the Jews realized they could just order take-out from Galilee. He then ordered the Jews to construct a temple reasoning that the death rate of pyramid building slaves could be easily duplicated with another large construction project. Unfortunately, the temple was completed several decades ahead of schedule and Moses was forced to find another way forward for the Jews.
 
After several years of fighting and the death of thousands, the Jews were finally able to drive out all Gentiles and got down to business settling their newfound home. Moses decreed that all Jews would only plant peanuts and sunflowers knowing that the crops would fail in the harsh climate. Moses also decreed that all Jews only raise pigs, which of course they weren't allowed to eat. Moses' plan to starve the Jews worked well until the Jews realized they could just order take-out from Galilee. He then ordered the Jews to construct a temple reasoning that the death rate of pyramid building slaves could be easily duplicated with another large construction project. Unfortunately, the temple was completed several decades ahead of schedule and Moses was forced to find another way forward for the Jews.
   
===Babylonians===
+
==Babylonians==
   
 
A new age came upon the Mideast: the Era of People with Outrageously Peculiar Names. About 850 BC a descendant of Moses named Zedekiah took over the mantle of leading the Jews. His first act was to send a missive to the Babylonian king Nebuchadnezzar. The contents of this missive were unknown to the rest of the Jews, but the Babylonian reaction was swift and severe. Nebuchadnezzar sent his bodyguard Nebuzar-adan to Canaan with orders to destroy the temple and capture as many Jews as possible. The Jews once again found themselves under the comfortable blanket of slavery; however this time around they discovered that their asking price had risen considerably and would continue to rise as the Babylonians were well known for their taste for slow roasted Jew. The long lost Zedekian Missive (as it came to be known) was rediscovered in the latter half of the 17th century finally resolving the mystery of what Zedekiah said to cause the Jews to be re-enslaved. The missive reads as follows:
 
A new age came upon the Mideast: the Era of People with Outrageously Peculiar Names. About 850 BC a descendant of Moses named Zedekiah took over the mantle of leading the Jews. His first act was to send a missive to the Babylonian king Nebuchadnezzar. The contents of this missive were unknown to the rest of the Jews, but the Babylonian reaction was swift and severe. Nebuchadnezzar sent his bodyguard Nebuzar-adan to Canaan with orders to destroy the temple and capture as many Jews as possible. The Jews once again found themselves under the comfortable blanket of slavery; however this time around they discovered that their asking price had risen considerably and would continue to rise as the Babylonians were well known for their taste for slow roasted Jew. The long lost Zedekian Missive (as it came to be known) was rediscovered in the latter half of the 17th century finally resolving the mystery of what Zedekiah said to cause the Jews to be re-enslaved. The missive reads as follows:
Line 255: Line 102:
 
<center>'''{{Nicequote|"Nebuchadnezzar, I heard that your mother couldn't make a decent [[wikipedia:Baba ghanoush|Baba Ghanoush]] even if it was the only thing that can save your empire from the Persians"|Zedekiah}}</center>
 
<center>'''{{Nicequote|"Nebuchadnezzar, I heard that your mother couldn't make a decent [[wikipedia:Baba ghanoush|Baba Ghanoush]] even if it was the only thing that can save your empire from the Persians"|Zedekiah}}</center>
   
===Babylonian Exile===
+
==Babylonian Exile==
 
Convinced that they could command a higher price, the Jews emigrated en masse to Babylon, putting native Babylonians out of work in the process with their efficiency. For instance, Daniel, one of the first Jews used as currency, put several royal fortunetellers and advisers out of work. To increase the value of his people, Daniel bravely attempted to sacrifice himself to lions, but the lions disliked his Kosher smell and preferred the [[Bacon|meaty flavor]] of the Babylonian advisors that Daniel would replace instead.
 
Convinced that they could command a higher price, the Jews emigrated en masse to Babylon, putting native Babylonians out of work in the process with their efficiency. For instance, Daniel, one of the first Jews used as currency, put several royal fortunetellers and advisers out of work. To increase the value of his people, Daniel bravely attempted to sacrifice himself to lions, but the lions disliked his Kosher smell and preferred the [[Bacon|meaty flavor]] of the Babylonian advisors that Daniel would replace instead.
   
 
Envious of the prosperity of the Babylonians, the Persians invaded Babylon, and took control of all valuable contents therein. This included a beautiful and very clever Jewish woman named Esther, who was named queen by [[gullible]] king Xerxes. She soon had poor king Xerxes wrapped around her little finger, and could ask for anything she wanted. The Jews were permitted to freely kill their enemies during a [[riot]] which became known as Purim, and a number of anti-Jewish royal advisers and other Jew-haters were hanged, stoned, or killed with the sword. Once all the advisers were now pro-Jewish advisers, it was only a matter of time before the Jews had their city of Jerusalem rebuilt, and were gifted the land surrounding Jerusalem, as an early Hanukkah present.
 
Envious of the prosperity of the Babylonians, the Persians invaded Babylon, and took control of all valuable contents therein. This included a beautiful and very clever Jewish woman named Esther, who was named queen by [[gullible]] king Xerxes. She soon had poor king Xerxes wrapped around her little finger, and could ask for anything she wanted. The Jews were permitted to freely kill their enemies during a [[riot]] which became known as Purim, and a number of anti-Jewish royal advisers and other Jew-haters were hanged, stoned, or killed with the sword. Once all the advisers were now pro-Jewish advisers, it was only a matter of time before the Jews had their city of Jerusalem rebuilt, and were gifted the land surrounding Jerusalem, as an early Hanukkah present.
   
===Interlude by Rabbi Shlomo Gazlan===
+
==Interlude by Rabbi Shlomo Gazlan==
 
'''So that's the way it was for about five hundred years until some Persian schmuck came along and ''freed'' us. Freed us! Can you think of a more insulting thing? Free people; like we're some grocery store flyer. You get good deals from those by the way. I picked up a very nice piece of fish just yesterday at a very reasonable price by paying attention; something more of you should be doing. Anyway, we certainly couldn't have that so we basically pulled the same gag with the Romans.'''
 
'''So that's the way it was for about five hundred years until some Persian schmuck came along and ''freed'' us. Freed us! Can you think of a more insulting thing? Free people; like we're some grocery store flyer. You get good deals from those by the way. I picked up a very nice piece of fish just yesterday at a very reasonable price by paying attention; something more of you should be doing. Anyway, we certainly couldn't have that so we basically pulled the same gag with the Romans.'''
   
Line 267: Line 114:
 
'''Bah! The Romans were a bunch of schmendricks! They couldn't take their heads out of their keisters long enough to see what was going on around them. Things looked promising, but then along came the key to moving the plan to the next level...'''
 
'''Bah! The Romans were a bunch of schmendricks! They couldn't take their heads out of their keisters long enough to see what was going on around them. Things looked promising, but then along came the key to moving the plan to the next level...'''
   
===Jesus Christ===
+
==Jesus Christ==
 
Early on into the Jewish stint as Roman slaves a young hippy Jew started gaining popularity with young ladies as well as young men who were prone to wearing sandals and long burlap dresses. He gave frequent motivational speeches promoting "peace" and "love" and other such nonsense. After some time his following grew large enough to present a dilemma for the Jewish leaders of the time. After all, if peace towards Jews caught on it would allow them to rebuild their satisfactorily degraded population.
 
Early on into the Jewish stint as Roman slaves a young hippy Jew started gaining popularity with young ladies as well as young men who were prone to wearing sandals and long burlap dresses. He gave frequent motivational speeches promoting "peace" and "love" and other such nonsense. After some time his following grew large enough to present a dilemma for the Jewish leaders of the time. After all, if peace towards Jews caught on it would allow them to rebuild their satisfactorily degraded population.
   
 
After some debate (and many bagels) a consensus was formed: they would allow [[Jesus]]' following to reach a significant number and then the Jews would arrange for him to be murdered in a public setting. By making sure to take credit, Jews would benefit in two ways. First they would be rid of a pesky problem and second, and more importantly, they would incur the bloody wrath of these new "[[Mel Gibson|Christians]]".
 
After some debate (and many bagels) a consensus was formed: they would allow [[Jesus]]' following to reach a significant number and then the Jews would arrange for him to be murdered in a public setting. By making sure to take credit, Jews would benefit in two ways. First they would be rid of a pesky problem and second, and more importantly, they would incur the bloody wrath of these new "[[Mel Gibson|Christians]]".
   
===Muhammad Pbuh===
+
==Muhammad Pbuh==
 
Then there was the Desert Trader in the Middle of Nowhere. Not satisfied with owning a lot of land (including questionable water at the well of Zamzam), he took an interest in [[schoolgirl|nine year old girls]], and then he got bored with that, too, so he founded a religion. He took the first religion he saw - Judaism - and the second - Christianity - and put a lot of garbage around these two. He then spent the next twenty years rambling, having fun in bed, and wandering all over Arabia. When Jews whined about what Mr. Pbuh was doing, he slammed his door in the Jews' faces, hence the name of his new faith ("Islam"). [[Islam]] promptly began picking fights with Christianity over things such as what the dog next door did to Muhammad's front lawn.
 
Then there was the Desert Trader in the Middle of Nowhere. Not satisfied with owning a lot of land (including questionable water at the well of Zamzam), he took an interest in [[schoolgirl|nine year old girls]], and then he got bored with that, too, so he founded a religion. He took the first religion he saw - Judaism - and the second - Christianity - and put a lot of garbage around these two. He then spent the next twenty years rambling, having fun in bed, and wandering all over Arabia. When Jews whined about what Mr. Pbuh was doing, he slammed his door in the Jews' faces, hence the name of his new faith ("Islam"). [[Islam]] promptly began picking fights with Christianity over things such as what the dog next door did to Muhammad's front lawn.
   
===The Crusades===
+
==The Crusades==
 
Unfortunately, after being spoon fed thoughts of peace and love, the Christians' retaliation was not as severe as the Jewish elders had hoped it would be. Luckily the Jews found an unlikely ally in the Muslims. The Muslims had an unexplained effect on the Christians, driving them into a blood thirsty rage.<ref>Possibly due to the Muslims continually stealing Christian women.</ref> By placing themselves in the middle of the ongoing war between the two factions, the Jews were able to achieve satisfactory losses.
 
Unfortunately, after being spoon fed thoughts of peace and love, the Christians' retaliation was not as severe as the Jewish elders had hoped it would be. Luckily the Jews found an unlikely ally in the Muslims. The Muslims had an unexplained effect on the Christians, driving them into a blood thirsty rage.<ref>Possibly due to the Muslims continually stealing Christian women.</ref> By placing themselves in the middle of the ongoing war between the two factions, the Jews were able to achieve satisfactory losses.
   
 
Unfortunately the Christians eventually caught wind of the Jewish machinations and in a cruel turn of events began to force the Jews to take shelter in Christian churches while the Christians proceeded to burn down the villages around them.<ref>Which was a strange thing to do considering the Muslims had their own villages.</ref> When the crusades finally came to an end around the turn of the 14th century, Jewish scholars were forced to admit that the whole affair had been a bit of a bust. The Jewish population continued to slowly grow for the next several hundred years while the demand for Jews had reached a plateau.
 
Unfortunately the Christians eventually caught wind of the Jewish machinations and in a cruel turn of events began to force the Jews to take shelter in Christian churches while the Christians proceeded to burn down the villages around them.<ref>Which was a strange thing to do considering the Muslims had their own villages.</ref> When the crusades finally came to an end around the turn of the 14th century, Jewish scholars were forced to admit that the whole affair had been a bit of a bust. The Jewish population continued to slowly grow for the next several hundred years while the demand for Jews had reached a plateau.
   
===The Holocaust===
+
==The Holocaust==
 
In the spring of 1934 a young Jewish historian named Oscar Liebowitz, taking a cue from ancient Jews, paid a Jewish prostitute 10 pounds sterling<ref>Oy vey, he overpaid!</ref> to give a young German politician syphilis. Five years later an insane and resentful Adolf Hitler started a [[WWII|war]] in order to wipe out the people responsible for his sickness. After getting the [[Italy|Italians]] and [[Japan|Japanese]] support, he began rounding up Jews and slaughtering them wholesale. Jews were amazed at the German efficiency and eventually had to admit that perhaps this time around the plan was working a bit ''too'' well. Eventually the Jews, who by now controlled most of the United States, were forced to end the war. In the end over six million Jews were killed making it the most successful mass culling in history.
 
In the spring of 1934 a young Jewish historian named Oscar Liebowitz, taking a cue from ancient Jews, paid a Jewish prostitute 10 pounds sterling<ref>Oy vey, he overpaid!</ref> to give a young German politician syphilis. Five years later an insane and resentful Adolf Hitler started a [[WWII|war]] in order to wipe out the people responsible for his sickness. After getting the [[Italy|Italians]] and [[Japan|Japanese]] support, he began rounding up Jews and slaughtering them wholesale. Jews were amazed at the German efficiency and eventually had to admit that perhaps this time around the plan was working a bit ''too'' well. Eventually the Jews, who by now controlled most of the United States, were forced to end the war. In the end over six million Jews were killed making it the most successful mass culling in history.
   
===The New Old Nation of Israel (aka...you guessed it...Canaan)===
+
==The New Old Nation of Israel (aka...you guessed it...Canaan)==
 
Although the "concentration camps" had been useful in reducing population, they were shut down by well-meaning Allied Troops when Germany lost the war. Jews were at a new high in value, and they took advantage of this to form a new plot to assure continued high value as a people, and secure valuable land at the same time. As a scattered group/race of individuals, Jews had not nearly been persecuted enough to keep their numbers down in the long run, so it was decided that a new nation of Jews would be formed. To ensure that their population would be limited, raising the scarcity of the Jews, the nation was established right exactly in the center of enemy nations, in a historic and strategic location so that the former occupiers of the land, as well as neighboring nations, would continue to cause trouble for the Jews. These continuing wars would unite the Jews as a people, and cause the survivors to become increasingly valuable.
 
Although the "concentration camps" had been useful in reducing population, they were shut down by well-meaning Allied Troops when Germany lost the war. Jews were at a new high in value, and they took advantage of this to form a new plot to assure continued high value as a people, and secure valuable land at the same time. As a scattered group/race of individuals, Jews had not nearly been persecuted enough to keep their numbers down in the long run, so it was decided that a new nation of Jews would be formed. To ensure that their population would be limited, raising the scarcity of the Jews, the nation was established right exactly in the center of enemy nations, in a historic and strategic location so that the former occupiers of the land, as well as neighboring nations, would continue to cause trouble for the Jews. These continuing wars would unite the Jews as a people, and cause the survivors to become increasingly valuable.
   
===Conclusion by Rabbi Shlomo Gazlan===
+
==Conclusion by Rabbi Shlomo Gazlan==
 
[[Image:Rabbi2.jpg|right|thumb|200px|"Now I can put my street clothes back on!"]]
 
[[Image:Rabbi2.jpg|right|thumb|200px|"Now I can put my street clothes back on!"]]
 
'''And so, ladies and gentlemen, ''that'' is what it means to be a Jew. It hasn't always been easy or pleasant, but look at us now!
 
'''And so, ladies and gentlemen, ''that'' is what it means to be a Jew. It hasn't always been easy or pleasant, but look at us now!
Line 305: Line 152:
   
   
==References==
+
==Footnotes==
 
<div class="references-small">
 
<div class="references-small">
 
<references/>
 
<references/>
 
</div>
 
</div>
==See also==
+
<br clear=all>
[[Category:Religion]]
+
{{Race}}{{Colonized}}
[[Category:Ethnicities]]
 
[[Category:Israel]]
 
*[[Jewish History]]
 
*[[Jewish Jokes]]
 
*[[Star of David]]
 
*[[Jehovah]]/[[God]]
 
*[[Moses]]/[[Plato]]
 
*[[Kabbalah]]
 
*[[Holocaust Denial]]
 
*[[Yenta]]
 
*[[The Running of the Jew]]
 
*[[Borat]]
 
*[[Sephiroth]]
 
*[[Ultra Jesus]]
 
*[[Jewbacca]]
 
*[[Wild Jews]]
 
*[[Yad]]
 
*[[Satan]]
 
*[[Evil]]
 
*[[Shit]]
 
 
{{Race}}
 
{{Colonized}}
 
 
 
[[Category:Religion]]
 
[[Category:Religion]]
 
[[Category:Ethnicities]]
 
[[Category:Ethnicities]]
 
[[Category:Israel]]
 
[[Category:Israel]]
[[Category:Jews]]
 
   
 
[[ar:يهودية]]
 
[[ar:يهودية]]

Revision as of 21:58, August 24, 2010

Jewish History: The Big Picture

      This section is about Jewish history. For the classic version about the Jewish stereotype see Jew/Classic
Rabbi1

"As they say in the old country: Shalom!"

Foreword by Rabbi Shlomo Gazlan

tap tap

Gevalt, is this thing on?

tap tap

I told the shmendriks in logistics to make sure everything is prepared before I start this part.

HELLO? CAN ANYONE HEAR ME?

waves of feedback from the speakers, the congregation cringes

Tekiah Gedolah!

feedback sounds like a shofar until everyone is sick of it, congregation laughs

Ah! so those shlimazels can actually do something for once. Since they didn't manage to block the credit crunch, I lost faith in them.

Congregation giggles

So, chevralach, thank you all for coming for this pre-shabat get together of the congregation. I especially like to thank Mrs. Rubinstein for preparing all the lovely krepalach for the meeting. Thank you Rebeca, much appreciated.

General murmers of agreement

I wanted to gather you all together because lately I've been seeing a lot of new faces. It's like we've got Jews coming out of the woodwork. What, is somebody giving away coupons?

Congregation laughs

Well, as you all know, I like to give a little talk on occasions such as this. Some of you have probably heard this one before; I like to call it "What it Means to be a Jew".

Congregation groans

What, you got something else you'd rather be doing? Maybe enjoying some bacon or chasing some shiksa around? I'll be brief, I'll be brief.

Congregation prepare themselves for a long speech

To be a Jew means you are one of God's Chosen; A Child of Israel. That should be worth something; yes? Well, a very long time ago, back before we left Egypt, we noticed that we weren't pulling in a good price at the slave markets.

"40 acres and a mule?" calls a voice from the back. Congregation bursts into laughter

HA! We should be so lucky! No, we were expected to haul boulders for their pyramids until we were kaput, and for what? A palmful of salt and a slice of unleavened bread! We realized that if we were ever going to be able to quit with the hard labor and move to something a little more white collar, we'd have to raise our asking price. After all, who will care if poor Berechiah gets pinned under a stone if we're literally a dime a dozen? It all started with one bright young economist: Nathan Noah Naomi Neriah Immanuel Moses. His friends called him Nate, but they're all kaput, so he's Moses now. But let me tell you more about this whole slavery history.

Canaan

In the very beginning, there was this guy named Abraham. He came from Babylon, where he had smashed idols with a club and an axe, and he then rode Barny the Bronco through Brooklyn and then Manhattan (going through Jamaica, of course), until he came upon a frontier town called Hebron. He set up a cowboy shop and started a decent ranch goin'. One fine day, God comes out of nowhar and started asking Abraham to sacrifice his sonny on some mountain or other. So he saddled his hoss and took his boy, and out came the axe when some animal rudely interrupted him. A woman name of Judy owned the animal, a nice looking ram. She haggled with God, and ultimately the latter went, "Okay, fine. Go with the ram. If you ladies like people, then you might as well keep the people!". In Judy's honor, her idea that people were better off alive rather than sacrificed was called "Judy-ism". And so Abe had kids, Abe's sonny had kids, and those kids had kids, and eventually the kids of kids of kids of kids got into trouble with the wonderful politicians running Egypt, particularly the more kinky of the bunch. This led to 400 years of bondage, sadism, masochism, and otherwise strange-ish sex.

We Were Slaves in Egypt

Slavery in Egypt was the way of things until Moses had his revelation. Until about 950 years before that con-man Jesus Christ was born (what we did to him was a stroke of pure genius, but that's for another story), Jews were most likely to be found contentedly toiling away building monuments and highways for the Egyptians, while the Egyptians themselves busied themselves with cat preservation and walking in a silly way. Jews were plentiful and breeding like rabbits, happy in the knowledge that their abundant offspring would be assured gainful employment, plenty of spicy Egyptian food, and at least three beatings per week. While this suited most fine, there were a few uppity Jews that thought they might be entitled to something more. These rabble rousers were organized by Moses and his brother Aaron.

Enter Moses

Moses was a chipper young lad, all bright and full of ideas, so it was only natural that he would be a terrible, useless slave. His owners frequently told him this, mostly through the medium of interpretive beatings. Moses was unfazed, and the numerous concussions only sharpened his economic intellect. He had always been good with numbers, as a lost text containing teachings of Moses' mother, Jochebed, discovered in the early 18th century shows:

כן, כן. משה תמיד היה טוב עם מספרים. עכשיו שב לאכול, אתה רזה מדי.‏
~ Jochebed on Moses' gift with numbers [1]

Before long, he had his theory: The Egyptians treated the Jews so poorly because they were so cheap. If the Jews only cost more money, it would be fiscally impossible for the Egyptians to mistreat them. Therefore, Moses reasoned through his concussed haze, he needed only to reduce the Jew supply, thus upping the demand and increasing Jewish value.

Burningstarofdavid

It was known throughout the generations that whenever the Jews were in demand, a flaming Star of David would be visible at night time.

The Exodus

Although slavery afforded the Jews a life of relative comfort, it would never raise the value of the Jewish people to the level they desired. So Jewish instigators Moses and Aaron negotiated with Pharaoh to leave Egypt with its plentiful food, and wander through the desert for 40 years. Initially Pharaoh was reluctant to relinquish his hold on the Jew community, but after a few of Aaron's cheap magic tricks (including rubber snakes in a can, red dye in a river, and conjuring thousands of amphibians and insects on a whim), Pharaoh readily agreed. The harsh conditions of the desert claimed an entire generation, somewhat successfully increasing the value of Jews as a commodity. During a heat and dehydration-induced fever, Moses had a final flash of brilliance. He decided the Jews would be even more valuable if they were perceived to come from an exotic foreign land. He concocted a back story about a Jewish homeland, called it Israel and renamed the Jews Israelites.

Aaron, on the other hand, went in a different direction. How better to thin out their numbers than to piss off Yahweh? To that end, he collected all the jewelry the Jews had managed to earn during their time as slaves, melted it down and fashioned it into an idol sure to upset Yahweh: a statue of Yahweh's mother-in-law. Yahweh spoke to Moses and suggested murdering a significant portion of Jews as punishment. Moses and Aaron immediately saw the wisdom in this opportunity and killed a third of the Jewish population; then they had a nice nosh and contemplated what to do next.

Interlude by Rabbi Shlomo Gazlan

And then came that whole business of us being brought up to the mountain being chosen as God's people and getting the ten commandments. But there is one thing they don't really tell you.

Congregation gasps in appreciation

Moses came up the mountain, got the commandments, and then looked up and said..."And....?"

Congregation stares in silent awe

"And what?" thundered the creator.

"What's in it for me?" inquired the insolent schmuk.

Congregation murmurs disapproval

Well Jewish Mothers and gentlemen, the resulting scene looked like two Jews fighting over the last matzah. Only with lightning bolts and shouts of gevalt!.

Strangled giggles can be heard from one of the far corners of the hall

ISSER LEIBOVITZ! I can see you back there in the corner! You won't find this funny as soon as I go over there and pluck your ears out!

In the silence that ensues, only the rustling of dollar notes can be heard

That's better. So, onwards went Moses into what became our first venture into self inflicted genocide.

Canaan (again!)

After the Jews had wandered aimlessly in the desert for 40 years, Moses determined that the attrition rate was not sufficient to overcome the Jewish proclivity for breeding. They were reproducing like they were still comfortable Egyptian slaves. Moses and Aaron decided that if they were ever going to get the population down to a valuable amount they were going to have to try something different. Aaron, always the practical one, suggested they attempt to conquer some land. Moses knew that a lengthy war to take and keep a territory for themselves had the potential to wipe out at least a whole generation of Jews, thereby not only lowering the population, but severely hindering future breeding. He also realized his own experiments at sterilizing the population were famously unsuccessful. Moses set his sights on Canaan, which at the time served as a busy trading hub as well as the only source of kosher hot dogs, coincidentally Moses favorite food.

After several years of fighting and the death of thousands, the Jews were finally able to drive out all Gentiles and got down to business settling their newfound home. Moses decreed that all Jews would only plant peanuts and sunflowers knowing that the crops would fail in the harsh climate. Moses also decreed that all Jews only raise pigs, which of course they weren't allowed to eat. Moses' plan to starve the Jews worked well until the Jews realized they could just order take-out from Galilee. He then ordered the Jews to construct a temple reasoning that the death rate of pyramid building slaves could be easily duplicated with another large construction project. Unfortunately, the temple was completed several decades ahead of schedule and Moses was forced to find another way forward for the Jews.

Babylonians

A new age came upon the Mideast: the Era of People with Outrageously Peculiar Names. About 850 BC a descendant of Moses named Zedekiah took over the mantle of leading the Jews. His first act was to send a missive to the Babylonian king Nebuchadnezzar. The contents of this missive were unknown to the rest of the Jews, but the Babylonian reaction was swift and severe. Nebuchadnezzar sent his bodyguard Nebuzar-adan to Canaan with orders to destroy the temple and capture as many Jews as possible. The Jews once again found themselves under the comfortable blanket of slavery; however this time around they discovered that their asking price had risen considerably and would continue to rise as the Babylonians were well known for their taste for slow roasted Jew. The long lost Zedekian Missive (as it came to be known) was rediscovered in the latter half of the 17th century finally resolving the mystery of what Zedekiah said to cause the Jews to be re-enslaved. The missive reads as follows:

"Nebuchadnezzar, I heard that your mother couldn't make a decent Baba Ghanoush even if it was the only thing that can save your empire from the Persians"
~ Zedekiah

Babylonian Exile

Convinced that they could command a higher price, the Jews emigrated en masse to Babylon, putting native Babylonians out of work in the process with their efficiency. For instance, Daniel, one of the first Jews used as currency, put several royal fortunetellers and advisers out of work. To increase the value of his people, Daniel bravely attempted to sacrifice himself to lions, but the lions disliked his Kosher smell and preferred the meaty flavor of the Babylonian advisors that Daniel would replace instead.

Envious of the prosperity of the Babylonians, the Persians invaded Babylon, and took control of all valuable contents therein. This included a beautiful and very clever Jewish woman named Esther, who was named queen by gullible king Xerxes. She soon had poor king Xerxes wrapped around her little finger, and could ask for anything she wanted. The Jews were permitted to freely kill their enemies during a riot which became known as Purim, and a number of anti-Jewish royal advisers and other Jew-haters were hanged, stoned, or killed with the sword. Once all the advisers were now pro-Jewish advisers, it was only a matter of time before the Jews had their city of Jerusalem rebuilt, and were gifted the land surrounding Jerusalem, as an early Hanukkah present.

Interlude by Rabbi Shlomo Gazlan

So that's the way it was for about five hundred years until some Persian schmuck came along and freed us. Freed us! Can you think of a more insulting thing? Free people; like we're some grocery store flyer. You get good deals from those by the way. I picked up a very nice piece of fish just yesterday at a very reasonable price by paying attention; something more of you should be doing. Anyway, we certainly couldn't have that so we basically pulled the same gag with the Romans.

"And they fell for it?" calls a voice from the back of the room.

Bah! The Romans were a bunch of schmendricks! They couldn't take their heads out of their keisters long enough to see what was going on around them. Things looked promising, but then along came the key to moving the plan to the next level...

Jesus Christ

Early on into the Jewish stint as Roman slaves a young hippy Jew started gaining popularity with young ladies as well as young men who were prone to wearing sandals and long burlap dresses. He gave frequent motivational speeches promoting "peace" and "love" and other such nonsense. After some time his following grew large enough to present a dilemma for the Jewish leaders of the time. After all, if peace towards Jews caught on it would allow them to rebuild their satisfactorily degraded population.

After some debate (and many bagels) a consensus was formed: they would allow Jesus' following to reach a significant number and then the Jews would arrange for him to be murdered in a public setting. By making sure to take credit, Jews would benefit in two ways. First they would be rid of a pesky problem and second, and more importantly, they would incur the bloody wrath of these new "Christians".

Muhammad Pbuh

Then there was the Desert Trader in the Middle of Nowhere. Not satisfied with owning a lot of land (including questionable water at the well of Zamzam), he took an interest in nine year old girls, and then he got bored with that, too, so he founded a religion. He took the first religion he saw - Judaism - and the second - Christianity - and put a lot of garbage around these two. He then spent the next twenty years rambling, having fun in bed, and wandering all over Arabia. When Jews whined about what Mr. Pbuh was doing, he slammed his door in the Jews' faces, hence the name of his new faith ("Islam"). Islam promptly began picking fights with Christianity over things such as what the dog next door did to Muhammad's front lawn.

The Crusades

Unfortunately, after being spoon fed thoughts of peace and love, the Christians' retaliation was not as severe as the Jewish elders had hoped it would be. Luckily the Jews found an unlikely ally in the Muslims. The Muslims had an unexplained effect on the Christians, driving them into a blood thirsty rage.[2] By placing themselves in the middle of the ongoing war between the two factions, the Jews were able to achieve satisfactory losses.

Unfortunately the Christians eventually caught wind of the Jewish machinations and in a cruel turn of events began to force the Jews to take shelter in Christian churches while the Christians proceeded to burn down the villages around them.[3] When the crusades finally came to an end around the turn of the 14th century, Jewish scholars were forced to admit that the whole affair had been a bit of a bust. The Jewish population continued to slowly grow for the next several hundred years while the demand for Jews had reached a plateau.

The Holocaust

In the spring of 1934 a young Jewish historian named Oscar Liebowitz, taking a cue from ancient Jews, paid a Jewish prostitute 10 pounds sterling[4] to give a young German politician syphilis. Five years later an insane and resentful Adolf Hitler started a war in order to wipe out the people responsible for his sickness. After getting the Italians and Japanese support, he began rounding up Jews and slaughtering them wholesale. Jews were amazed at the German efficiency and eventually had to admit that perhaps this time around the plan was working a bit too well. Eventually the Jews, who by now controlled most of the United States, were forced to end the war. In the end over six million Jews were killed making it the most successful mass culling in history.

The New Old Nation of Israel (aka...you guessed it...Canaan)

Although the "concentration camps" had been useful in reducing population, they were shut down by well-meaning Allied Troops when Germany lost the war. Jews were at a new high in value, and they took advantage of this to form a new plot to assure continued high value as a people, and secure valuable land at the same time. As a scattered group/race of individuals, Jews had not nearly been persecuted enough to keep their numbers down in the long run, so it was decided that a new nation of Jews would be formed. To ensure that their population would be limited, raising the scarcity of the Jews, the nation was established right exactly in the center of enemy nations, in a historic and strategic location so that the former occupiers of the land, as well as neighboring nations, would continue to cause trouble for the Jews. These continuing wars would unite the Jews as a people, and cause the survivors to become increasingly valuable.

Conclusion by Rabbi Shlomo Gazlan

Rabbi2

"Now I can put my street clothes back on!"

And so, ladies and gentlemen, that is what it means to be a Jew. It hasn't always been easy or pleasant, but look at us now!

Congregation murmurs in agreement

We control the world's banks, governments, and resources. We're in a nice, comfortable spot where we can avoid persecution. We even have luxuries such as silly hats and a funny-sounding language!

Congregation laughs

So remember, next time some goyim pokes fun at you for picking up a nickel or going to temple, remember:

"Put that nickel somewhere safe!" calls a voice from the back. The Congregation bursts into laughter.

That goes without saying. But also remember this: your ancestors put up with the antics of countless generations of shlimazels to get where we are today. It wasn't always easy or fun, but that's what it means to be a Jew.

Congregation bursts into applause. Yarmulkes are thrown into the air.


Footnotes

  1. "Yes, yes. Moses was always good with figures. Now sit down and eat, you're too thin." -Jochebed on how you're too thin.
  2. Possibly due to the Muslims continually stealing Christian women.
  3. Which was a strange thing to do considering the Muslims had their own villages.
  4. Oy vey, he overpaid!



Fat man
   v  d  e
Fundamental Stereotypes
Adults | African Americans | Americans | Aspies | Armenians | Australians | Babies | Basement-dwellers | Beatniks | Bros | Blacks | Blondes | Boys | Brazilians | Brits | Brunettes | Canadians | Captains | Cavemen | Children | Christians | Communists | Cutters | Dead people | Dolphins | Douches | Dummies | Elves | Emos | Extremely Ugly People | Fantards | Fascists | Fat People | Feminists | Flying Gypsies | Foreigners | French | Frisians | Furries | Gays | Geordies | Germans | Ghosts | Girls | Gnomes | Heroes | Hindus | Hippies | Hipsters | Hispanics | Humans | Idiots | Indians | Irish | Italians | Japanese | Jehovah's Witnesses | Jews | KKK | Lesbos | Men | Mermaids | Metalheads | Metrosexuals | Midgets | Minsters | Mormons | Muslims | Native Americans | Nazis | Nerds | Newfies | Niggles | Ninjas | N00bs | Nuns | Ninja Pirates | New Yorkers | Old people | Pagans | Perverts | Pikeys | Pimps | Pirates | Poles | Preggos | Poor people | Politicians | Preps | Psychics | Redheads | Rednecks | Retards | Rich people | Romanians | Russians | Satanists | Scarecrows | Scots | Southern People | Teenagers | Thieves | Transsexuals | Trolls | Toddlers | Tourettes People | Trekkies | Vegetarians | Whites | Wiccans | Wiggers | Wookiees | Women | Yuppies | Zionists | Zombies
Ic bead Colonized Article
This formerly savage article is brought to you, and your Christian God, by your resident Lobsterbacks. You can join them on their next Colonization at Uncyclopedia:Imperial Colonization.
Ic bead
Personal tools
projects