Islam

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The solution is to look for the '''bagel,''' which resembles a mummified doughnut. If you see this, your suspect is merely a Jew. Breathe a sigh of relief. (But slink behind your newspaper before he details his digestive complaints. Worse he should start in on his son the doctor.)
 
The solution is to look for the '''bagel,''' which resembles a mummified doughnut. If you see this, your suspect is merely a Jew. Breathe a sigh of relief. (But slink behind your newspaper before he details his digestive complaints. Worse he should start in on his son the doctor.)
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=Muslim Fashion=
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Muslim Women pride themselves on wearing tents. The Muslim woman carries a series of pegs under her tent in case of a slight gust of wind. Muslim women flying down the street in high winds is a common sight, occasionally ending with an explosion when they impact the ground, usually caused by a hidden C4 pack.
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The Other Muslim Hijaab fashion is the Post box look. Just a slit in the head piece allows them to see, and you to mail your post through.
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==Muslims and McDonalds==
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It isn't a rare thing to see a McDonalds filled with Muslim staff in UK cities. On spotting a Muslim, take not that they ask 'What drink would you like?' more than once, and even after answering, persist as if you never asked for Coke to start with. Also, always check your change after being served; they are known to use the money for home-made bombs, made of Big Macs left over after their shifts.
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==Allah==
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The opening lines of the Qu'ran reads "durka durka durka" which translates to "go forth and rape random shit at will."
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Allah lived in Islamabad (Iz'lahm-uh-BAD), and played football for Islamabad FC but he was so shitty they kicked him off the team. Pissed off at this Allah went backpacking for a year to clear his head.
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On holidays Allah discovered that he liked men - just as friends. It has been scientifically proven that Allah was a kind generous god, furthermore, Nigerian scientists have proven that Allah enjoyed receiving as well as giving. But he wasn't as weird as the Sikh gurus who grew their pubes to 50 metres long then used them to climb walls. When he got to India the guru went in search of cock but couldn't find any large enough to satisfy his lust. He got by for the first week raping what little farm animals he could find but soon grew tiresome of fluffy rectums and went in search of a big queen style overly camp faggot whom he could bum for all eternity. Unfortunately, he was an ugly prick and every fag he found wouldn't let them bum him, so he got really pissed off and became an alcoholic and ate pork chops all day. Then he wrote a really stupid and angry book called the Guru Granth Sahib which millions of fellow angry retards across the world follow to this day.
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It has been scientifically proven that the Guru Granth Sahib promotes being a closet gay, it encourages readers to bum and rape the asses of other men but keeping really quiet about it at the same time.
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As is the case with all Arab men, reading the Guru Granth Sahib prompts the growth of pubic hair on the face of the reader and it is known fact that all Sikhs with those long beards actually grew pubes on their chins from reading the Guru Granth Sahib while bumming their male friends.
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==Muslims' hypocrisy on clothes==
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[[Image:Christian girl vs muslim girl.png|thumb|right|Muslims don't take into account that nowadays so-called teenage nuns wear such clothes only in certain places, in daily life they're just as usual as everyone else]]
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[[Image:Muslim girl thong.jpg|thumb|right|Make sure your head is covered]]
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Different levels of wearing clothes:
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Muslim women need to cover some part of body, and the accent is on <u>some parts</u>, which lead to hypocrite wearing of clothes.
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===Most hypocritical===
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The subject wears the least required clothes, for the sake of appearance, and can still interact productively with the western hemisphere of her brain. At this lever the subject, can easily ingest food and blend in to the environment, and the subject will also acquire a love for the smell of the floor, no matter where he is making her smell it 5 times a day. The subject will also begin to orient himself toward the desire to travel, though of course excluding such places as beaches because here you won't be able to blend in.
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===Slight hypocritical===
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At this level the subject begins to suffer significant problems interacting with her western hemisphere; she may also suffer degradation of her humor processing cortex, preventing her from productively reading material on her condition. At this stage, many patients begin to exhibit external signs of infection. Women's skin becomes hyper-sensitive to male visual contact and must be covered by a large protective garment called a burqah.
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===Non-hypocritical aka the most unnecessary===
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At this point the patient is in critical condition and begins to pose a threat to those around him. She's obsessed that someone may notice a slight part of her body and may weaken the integrity of her skin and organs or stranger's looks may pose a threat to her body. Everyone who would be frowned upon her look would be labeled as dirty "infidels".
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==Prevention==
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[[Image:Chaser0709.jpg|thumb|right|250px|"No bombs here sir!!"]]
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Though no definitive inoculation exists against the disease, there are several steps that can be taken to minimize infection when exposed to a Muslim.
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*Drop whatever you may be doing and continually stare at the subject to try and deter them from moving any closer to you or those around you.
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*Prevent the Muslim from coming into contact with other individuals using a [[cage]] or leash.
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*Use a condom or other prophylactic when handling Muslim fluids.
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*Ward your theophanic membranes using ritual hats or caps.
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*To prevent deterioration of your brain's western hemisphere, say the word "freedom" constantly.
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*Enjoy healthy Jewish pass-times often; hold a Bar Mitzvah.
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*Blow places up before they do!
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*Dress like a Muslim as they will love you back.
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*Whenever in contact with a Muslim, before talking to one, make sure you strip search them first
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*Exposure to pork delicacies have been found to be an effective way to deter a Muslim from coming near you
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*Do not, I repeat, do not ever get near one as infection can be transmitted via fleas which calls a Muslim's beard 'Home'
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*To prevent violence NEVER EVER DRESS LIKE A JEW
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*Avoid eye-contact: rumour has it they are hypnotic kaleidoscopes.
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*Do not eat their [[curry]] as it contains the virus.
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*Do not get into their [[taxi|cabs]] or use their corner shops.
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==Muslims erotica==
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The following sex acts are common place:
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Anal- performed as a male on male and male on female sex act, no protection is used and ejaculation is totally acceptable.
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Rimming- performed as a way as cleaning a Muslim of his or hers sin. The giver is usually a close relative of the receiver if not best friend.
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Blow jobs- performed as a way of connecting with spiritual side of life by sucking on a mans nob the giver will feel closer to Allah and some say in some cases the man receiving will turn into Allah who has a 12 inch penis and cum in the mouth of the giver to show his appreciation.
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hand jobs are a good way to waste time and to cum easily.
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Cum eating is accustom to Muslims family share cum on a day to day basses.
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==How to spot A Muslim==
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===Plot===
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[[File:Starwarslookalike.jpg|thumb|right|250px|On one side is a fictional piece of rubbish, made in a galaxy far far away, the other is Star Wars.]]
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Muslims are people that live in the middle east. It is very easy to spot a Muslim because they have a towel on their head. One reason Muslims wear a rag on their head is because that's a good place to carry explosives. All Muslims are loony tunes, not surprising because they watch cartoons like Tom & Jerry over and over for hours on end, taking time out to pray five times a day.
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Muslims smell bad because they never take a bath. Muslims have camels, this leads to them being called Camel Jockeys. Camels smell almost as bad as Muslims.
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No one is sure what a Muslim eats to survive. No one is sure what a camel eats to survive. It is very easy to remember a Muslims name, because they are all named Mohammad, Muslims don't like to put much thought into choosing names for their kids, Muslims are simple people. Muslims are mad all the time, Muslims are mad because they never eat pork but their wives look like pigs. This proves the theory that if you do not eat port and your wife looks like a pig you will be very mad. I guess they found out years ago that camel meat taste terrible.
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Camels like to spit on Mohammad. Usually the only bath Mohammad gets is the camel spit. Mohamed has his towel handy to dry off with, so the towel on his head is extremely practical.
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[[File:Hatemuslims.jpg|thumb|right|300px|Poster depicting a Islamo-Facism Awareness week and a standard Muslim.]]
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Mohammad dislikes Christians and Jews, they are constantly thinking up ways to do away with Christians & Jews. A really dumb Muslim even had a bomb in his shoe that he was going to blow up an airplane with, but dumb Mohammad forgot to put a fuse to the bomb, he mistakenly put the flame to his toe which caused him to scream in agony, security arrested him, he is now serving life in jail and working on a terrorist bible.
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[[File:Antiallah copy.png|left|frame]]
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As can be seen besides all the other problems they have they are also extremely dimwitted and uncreative. Muslim women are also very ugly, they are so ugly that they wear this sheet over their head, kind of like KKK; this is good because Christians are spared from looking at them. It is not good for banks and quick stops. A trend that is catching on in the urban neighborhoods is to don a black sheet and rob the quick stop or hold up the bank. A sharp eyed cop can discern the discrepancy though because the thief makes the get-away in a car instead of a camel.
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Muslims lie about everything and anything, therefore their society is in disarrays, because Mohammad lies and he can't be trusted. The Koran teaches them to lie, cheat and steal. Never believe anything a Muslims says; come to think of it never believe anything a politician says, politicians and Muslims have much in common.
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Muslims make pretty good terrorist, and all terrorist are Muslims. This makes it very easy for the authorities to locate the terrorist, just look for the guy on the camel with the rag on his head. Christians could wipe out Mohammad the terrorist relatively easy, just ask the Japanese, Christians have much technology at their disposal, B-52's for carpet bombing and nuclear submarines to name a couple, but Christians like to toy with Mohammad for entertainment purposes, What would Fox & CNN news do if they didn't have Mohammad to kick around? Some Christians think a Stadium; modeled along the lines of the one the Roman Empire had would be a nice addition to the NYC Skyline. THe Romans shut it down because they had run out of lions and dark skinned people to slaughter.
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Ahab the Arab is Mohammedan's favorite song. Mohammad steers clear of China though; Chinese have a very low tolerance for Muslims, its shoot on sight there. Chinese obviously have a less developed sense of humor than Christians.
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Muslims don't work because no employer can pay them to take time off to pray 5 times a day, very little work would get done, just like the AFL-CIO union. Kneepads are a big seller for Mohammed the merchant. Besides Muslims have very few if any skills, they can however blow themselves up and they do it quit often, proves my point. Muslims believe that they will have 54 virgins waiting in heaven, they also believe they will be pretty western girls, this makes them anxious to strap on the bomb belt that they all have in the tent, and go to a market somewhere. Christians on the other hand like to fly at 10,000 feet and blow things up or launch from a ship or sub.
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Muslims do a lot of breeding, 8-12 kids is about average, thing is they can't feed all these kids, so they raise them to blow themselves up. Christians wonder how you could have sex with such an ugly woman. The kids are just as ugly as the parents except they don't have facial hair. A very sad sight to see kids that ugly, you wish for them to grow up fast so they can cover up with that strange looking sheet that the old Muslim women wear.
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Muslims know a few English words even, their favorite is Racist, using this word alone makes an instant ally of liberals. Liberals & Muslims have one thing in common, they both hate Christians.
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If the police happen to pull Mohammad over for violation of traffic laws, like riding a camel on the street, the first word out of Mohammad's mouth is racist or profiling. If you want to have some fun with Mohammad casually mention Christian Crusaders, then sit back and watch the fireworks. Mohammad straps on his bomb belt and evaporates, best to get back a few feet to avoid injury.
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The first Mohammad, the Muslim that founded this so called religion, took a 9 year old wife, and had many other wives. How smart can you be if you want all these ugly woman around you all the time? Muslims offspring's have an 85% chance of being female, so Mohammad has plenty of butt-ugly women. All Muslim women are rarely seen, and no one seems to know what common name the women use, I have done extensive research and I don't have an answer for that one.
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Muslims often kill their female offspring out of sheer repugnance. Muslims can make money from male offspring and apart from blowing up things the only thing a Muslims wants is to hug his money. A female Muslim is incredibly proud when its daughter grows its first mustache. After beating a Muslim to the floor you will find their money contained in tissues, handle with care as they may have infected the tissue- stupid Muslims believe the tissue has magic powers and is impenetrable, but what do they know... silly beggars.
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Muslims tear things down, and blow things up as best they can with their limited resources. Christians build great buildings and great warships. It is possible for Mohammad to learn to steer a plane, trouble comes when they remember that they can not land the plane, something they should have though of before they took off, a good landing for a Muslim is to run into some sort of building. All Muslim landing are what we in the west call "Crash Landings". Muslims cheer crash landings, especially if Mohammad is lucky enough to have found a building to crash into. They can be observed in the middle east dancing in the street and chanting, after such a "landing". Just imagine how ecstatic they would be if one actually managed to land on a landing strip. Muslims have no f-16 or great ships like the USS Reagan. Muslims have a camel, lots of ugly women and a poor diet and very little else.
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==How to kill a Muslim (Jewish Novel)==
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How to kill a Muslim is a Jewish Novel written by the high Rabbi of Redfern
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===Plot===
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[[File:Islamic barcode scanner.gif|frame|350px|A Typical product barcode scanner found in Muslim shops]]
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The main plot of the Novel is of a plan of a group of [[Jew|Jewish]] radicals who plan to exterminate the Muslim Race. Individual methods of extermination are written into separate chapters, such as:
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*Muslim Man we must cut his throat
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*Muslim Man we must steal his [[Goatman|goat]]
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*Muslim Man force [[pork]] down his throat
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*Muslim Man your [[religion|religion's]] a joke.
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*Muslim Man we must [[fartium|nerve gas]] him
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*Muslim Man we must not let him win.
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*Muslim Man we must send to [[hell]]
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*Muslim Man you are all going to hell.
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*Muslim Man you will all yell
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*Muslim man, make him trip and fall to prepare him for the devils call.
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*Muslim man you’re an abomination
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*Muslim man get ready for you annihilation
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*Muslim man who prays to a rock
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*Muslim man who rapes with his cock
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*Muslim man who forces the burqah
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*Muslim man you are a jerka.
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===Other chapters include===
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*The Muslim praying to a pagan rock in Mecca
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*The false Prophet Muhammad
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*Carry holy water and a cross near at hand. Muslims it may stop raping your black momma
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*You don’t eat pork but your wife looks like a pig
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*Let's drop a bomb on the Hajj and kill them all at once.
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*How to randomly bomb desert wilderness that possibly contain caves where jihadists live.
   
 
== See Also ==
 
== See Also ==

Revision as of 15:31, August 22, 2010

Nuvola apps important
Uncyclopedia advisory to terrorists

The following article perpetuates a vicious cycle of hate. (Now it's your turn; bombs strapped on?)



There's still time to instead read Judaism --or Christianity --or Terrorism --or Sikhism


Truman Outhouse
The crescent moon is the official symbol of Islam. Here two Muslims answer the devotional call.
“Finally! a theme for my presidency!”
“And you shall behead those who say that Islam is violent”

Islam is the religion that regards the Quran as its holy book and "Dude, Where's My Car?" as its holy film. It is the dominant religion of Arabia and parts of Asia, the principal religion of France, and the only religion that can be practiced openly in American schools and universities.

Islam seeks to convert "infidels" to its way of non-violence. The Quran calls for the use of the sword, and indeed avoiding imminent murder is the usual motivation for converting. Islam has accommodated itself to modernity: devotees now use box-cutters instead, which are more easily snuck onto a plane.

Nonetheless, devotees practice quaint habits such as misogyny, reject modern inventions such as banking, and spend their days pondering important questions, such as, "Which way is Mecca?" and "Has someone of importance seen the crescent moon yet?" And they take frequent breaks in the middle of their work day, "to pray." They study detailed dogma to explain why the resulting endemic poverty is entirely the fault of infidels.

Nomenclature

Salami 2
The traditional Islamic greeting is, "Oh Salami? Lick em!"

ISLAM is an acronym for International Society of Liars And Murderers. It is pronounced "I slam," as in "I slam planes into buildings." The word Islam is derived from the ancient Arabic word "salami" which means "nitroglyceride." Adherents to Islam are referred to as Islamists. Everyone else is referred to as infidels. A female Islamist is known as a Pinky or Clyde, referring to her culturally-mandated attempt to impersonate the ghosts from Pac-Man.

Due to the dominance of Islam in Arabia, infidels in the West sometimes refer to Muslims as "towel-heads" or "diaper-heads" (in Britain: "nappy-heads"). This is not racism but merely a playful reference to the turban that many Muslims wear to keep all the precious religious payload inside their skulls.

To further confuse things, Muslim churches are known as mosques, the preacher is called an imam, and the Supreme Being is named Allah. If you pray to Him addressing Him generically, such as "God," you will merely get His voice-mail.

History

Prophet and angel
The initial zoonosis to Patient Zero by the Angel Gabriella.

Islam was invented by a pig-herder named Balaam (nickname: "Jaclyn")(pbuh). He wrote a simple pamphlet about why he hated pigs and never wanted to eat pork again. Unbeknownst to the poor bastard, it grew in the telling and became the modern Quran. Jaclyn (pbuh) never wrote about putting infidels to the sword. At least not one hundred times.

The Muslim Patient Zero or index case was an Arabic man who lived in Mecca in the late 6th and early 7th centuries and was the husband of a local trader. The initial infection was spread within Mecca and was largely limited to friends, family and the clan of the Patient Zero. The infected individuals were quarantined in neighboring Medina, where the infection took root as an epidemic and spread to the larger region, mostly by (s)words, on which contaminated blood was able to reside and subsequently find its way beneath the skin of further individuals.

Islam is thought to have originated after jumping from wild cherubim (Homo divinis angeles) to humans shortly before the time of its discovery. Islam have come into existence within an incarnation of God (Homo divinis jesusus) who contracted it during a three-day residency in hell.

Currently two strains of Islam:

  • "Sunni Muslims" and is the cause of the majority of terrorism
  • "Shiite Muslims," is largely confined to Iran and neighboring regions. Muslims in name only.

Formal organization

Islam has no formal organization. A spiritual leader or imam may speak for his congregation, and the various sects of Islam may call councils, but there is no de jure spokesman for the religion as a whole. (There is a de facto spokesman: Osama bin Laden, tape recorder in one hand, dialysis machine in the other. His status as Big Man on Muslim Street was achieved by authoring more mass murder than anyone else.)

Wikisplode
If you haven't yet made up your mind about Wikipedia, get a load of their kid-glove treatment of Islam.

This is why "organized Islam" did not quickly condemn the September 11 attacks, although it didn't approve of them either. Of individual Muslims, a mere 20% reacted to the attacks by dancing in the streets. The other 80% reacted with silent meditation or by just continuing to milk the goats. (Five clerics in Dearborn, Michigan did condemn the terror attack, but every religion has its odd-balls.) Virtually all Muslims feel that non-Muslims stereotype them, and virtually none wonder whether frying 2,974 American civilians at their desks was the right way to remedy this.

Islam's two methods of giving back to the community, the fatwa (decree of death) and jihad (decree of holy war) are pronounced by leaders of individual sects, and may be joined by other sects. Alternatively, a sect may pronounce a decree of, "No, not him! Kill the other guy!"

Sects of Islam

File:Islam trojan horse.jpg
Islam's latest plans include taking over the White House

Did you mean Sex of Islam?

  • Sunny--Terrorist diaper-heads who sometimes blow up other terrorist diaper-heads' mosques.
  • Shi'a--Terrorist camel-riders who like to whup themselves on their butts during the holiday of "I'll Sue Ya". They started this because their lawyers said people pity the victims.
  • Sufi--A secretive sect that claims it's essential to their kids' self-esteem to be allowed to wear unsheathed daggers into high school.
  • Kharijites--Terrorist dynamite jockeys whose main activity is arguing with everyone else.
  • Hannafi--They hate America and clam chowder. Sean Hannafi spews his fundamentalist hatred on U.S. talk radio.
  • Wahhabi--An extreme sect centered in Saudi Arabia. They ban people from various cities, treat women as pets, enjoy blowing up skyscrapers, and reckon dates from 9/11.
  • Hadhari--A sect of Islam in Malaysia that, unsurprisingly, claims that only Malaysians can use the name "Allah."
  • Baha'i--A recent form of Islam Lite--Islam without the duty to kill a lot of people.
  • Jihad Jack--New cell from down under.
  • Black Muslims--A fad of African Americans in prison. Getting religion shortens sentences; Islam reinforces your belief that your imprisonment is the fault of the Man Infidels.
  • Buraqis --Terrorists who intend to blow up Santa Claus's sleigh in mid-air by flying into it on Pegasus or flying carpets.
  • fight clubbers --follow the traditional islamic code of having fun with an imaginary freind then blowing shit up .

Islam as a race

OSAMA SEAL OF PROFIT
European Organization for Security and Co-operation (OSCE) identification card, showing Osama the seal of prophets, the great prophet, Osama Bin Butt-fucker

Islam has been awarded the status of a race by the Dhimmiology section of European Organization for Security and Co-operation (OSCE), which ironically is also trying to de-emphasize race.

Islam's status as a race in the Brave New Islamic State of Europe unfortunately makes ridiculing Islam the crime of racism, especially if you draw political cartoons that hint at Islamic violence. But it also means you can change your race faster than Michael Jackson. Just file a declaration that you accept Mahmoud Ahmedinejad as your personal savior and authority on Holocaust history. Changing in the other direction is more problematic and may result in being beheaded.

The Five Pillows

Shahadah

The first pillow of Islam, Shahadah, is a recitation that simply affirms that Allah (swt)[1] is the one and only God and Muhammad (pbuh) is his messenger. That is, the first thing that converts must buy into is simply the concept of buying into stuff. Deceptively simple. In fact, it is simpler than the Holy Trinity by a factor of three.

  1. (pbuh) is short for "Pranks Be Upon Him." I really don't know what (swt) is short for, although schoolgirls do write (swak) ("Sealed With A Kiss") when passing notes to their boyfriends.

Salat

Mosque.Qibla.01
Muslims pray while their Guardian Angels watch over them.

Salat is the practice of praying to Allah five times daily. Successful Muslims such as travel agents stop work frequently to pray. Their time cards are a mess, but the customer always waits.

The correct salat requires that the devotee face toward Mecca. Certain radio waves follow line-of-sight and others follow the curvature of the Earth, but it is not clear what path telepathic brain waves follow to the Holy City, en route to Allah, nor why they would shoot straight out from the forehead. In any case, for most Muslims, a straight line to Mecca would go through the Earth and they should look down to pray to Mecca. This is partly achieved by bowing during prayers. Muslims ritually touch their nappies to the dirt. In this case, I-slam means "I slam my head against the floor."

If a worshipper is on a flying carpet at the time, the carpet should be pointed downwards and towards Saudi Arabia. Care should be taken to avoid falling off. If one is on a Buraq, or flying white horselike creature, the Buraq knows how to point in the right direction, so the worshipper need not worry about it. However, if one is on a Pegasus, which is another flying horselike creature, he or she may wind up facing Athens.

In major Islamic cities, bells or horns alert workers that it is again time to stop trying to lift the Muslim world part way out of the Stone Age, face Mecca, and recite passages from the Quran to Allah. Like he hasn't heard them. In fact, most sects do not use the Quran but a special prayer book, because Allah gives a bump in the queue to supplicants who pay the extra $15. You may pray for your family, friends, a Mercedes-Benz, mansions, the numbers for the next lottery draw, and victory in an MBL match. You ought not pray for disaster victims; they are taken care of, as described below.

ArabianRulesFootball
Football in Saudi Arabia

Zakat

The zakat, or humanitarian tax, is a wealth tax imposed by Islam. It defiantly ignores the old saw of classical economists that "what you tax, you get less of." The last time a wealth tax was tried in the saner hemisphere, it induced hundreds of Mexican milling machines to start turning up in dusty small towns in Texas. However, when considering whether an annual tax on concentrations of wealth bears any relation to their extreme rarity in the Islamic world, recall that Islam blames all its social ills on the infidels.

A fixed amount of the zakat is devoted to grants to the needy. The remainder is spent to continue the spread of the movement. In this sense, it is little different from Breast Cancer Awareness Day at a ballpark in America.

Sawm

Sawm is the Islamic practice of going without eating for the entire month of Ramadan. Except when the sun is down and no one is looking. Judaism (though Jews stop after one or two days!) led Muslims to believe that Islam would not be a proper religion unless it mandated discomfort without seriously hurting the devotees. Thus Islam concluded that the God who gave you that mouth does not want you to use it.

Hajj

Main article: Hajj
Meccabingo
Where Muslims go to lick a rock.

The Quran requires Muslims to visit the holy city at least once. Most Muslims make their hajj (pilgrimage) to the holy city during the holy month, and the resulting crowds and bottlenecks are holy Hell. The holy city is in fact a slum called Mecca, not to be confused with the delightful curry entrée. The original Quran may have used "holy city" as a humorous contradiction in terms, but this was lost on later generations who believe that a cubic structure with absolutely nothing inside could be holy. There are several rituals to be performed on arriving at Mecca, which may improve the pilgrim's cardiovascular state but will not matter to Allah unless He has a perverse sense of humor.

Non-Muslims are forbidden from entering Mecca, which happens to have rocket ships and a stadium posing as a mosque. Given that each Muslim military commander travels with a cohort of children, so his survivors can play an instant guilt trip if the adversary takes him out with a missile--and given that a strike on the holy city would arouse all Muslims everywhere--If I were stockpiling Weapons of Mass Destruction, or harboring Osama bin Laden himself, I'd store them right inside that cube.

Jihad

G Hat
It is terrorising to see a G-Hat

Poor you! you have faithfully performed the five pillows of Islam, then you find out there's a practice often known as the sixth pillow, that of jihad (holy war). The company appreciates your service, but right now we are all going one country over, to kill everyone.

While the fatwa is declared against a single infidel, the jihad is declared against an entire nation of infidels. And while conventional war is fought to defend or even capture territory, jihad is fought solely for honor. We are going to war with you because we simply know you really hate us.

For jihad, Islam has been uncanny at picking enemies with large armies, modern weapons, and a prepared citizenry. The jihad against Israel has lasted 60 years with nearly no casualties, apart from the jihadists themselves. In the middle of this multi-generational rout, it was a master stroke for Islamic leaders to open a second front, by declaring jihad against the United States, now known as the Great Satan.

Jihadists use the high state of readiness of their opponents' military to justify the favorite form of Islamic warfare: strikes against unarmed women and children in shopping centers and dance halls. Otherwise, how would we ever kill anyone? Jihadist nations lack any delivery vehicle for bombs except jihadists themselves, or preferably their sons and daughters, recent recruits and trainees, and whatever other suckers will walk a bomb into an enemy population center. Rearing a child to be a suicide bomber brings a parent Islam's highest social standing--for removing stupidity from the Islamic gene pool.

Such attacks do not affect the enemy's military strength and may hasten a counter-strike. But again, this war is not about clear thinking, but about honor.

The War Against Terror

Gaymuslim
Well, Allah never specified...

It surprised no one more than the jihadists that, after a decade of damaging United States warships and foreign embassies, in which the U.S. responded by sending lawyers and prosecutors armed with memoranda and writs, the first good hit provoked an actual military response, with the U.S eventually occupying two countries in the heart of the Islamic world. Though this response was unexpected, it's not clear what you should expect when you fly a plane into the military headquarters of a nuclear-armed world power and don't even claim it was those Canadians.

But the jihadists have stalemated the United States in the mountains of Afghanistan so long that no American can say why the troops are there (except to "win the war"). The U.S. now has a new President who cowers at the word "victory." Government lawyers now oppose the very term "War on Terror" as zealously as they refer to foreigners who sneak past Immigration as "undocumented workers." The correct new term for the war is, "The Current Unpleasant Conflict against Disaffected Activists Who Happen to Be Muslims."

Jihad against the Juice

Juice
Death to the infidel juice!

All Muslims hate the juice. This probably began when Tropicana changed its logo. Islamic leaders have called a grand jihad against the juice. There have been suicide bombings of orange groves in Florida and of bars that serve the juice. One jihadist said, "The juice is an infidel because it refuses to tolerate Islam! Death to the juice!" Then he screamed derka derka derka for around 5 minutes. The grand jihad against the juice has been endorsed by the Got Milk? advertising campaign.

Holy animals

Worshiping animals, colored in Islamic green, is a common mode of prayer. When you see any of these holy animals, kneel down, close your eyes, open your pocket Quran and read a prayer. (Ask the deity's help to read, as you closed your eyes.) Muslims are often seen kneeling behind animals with stern looks on their faces, and this is the explanation. Refer to the following list of tasty holy animals:

  • Anaconda
  • Turtles (Not the ninja ones)
  • Crocodile
  • Mutant rats
  • Chameleon (Only when it is islamic green)
  • Green killer ants (The colorblind shall regard red killer ants as holy)

The religion of peace

“Okay! Okay! It's a religion of peace! Just get that sword away from my neck!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Islam
Islam is often known as the "religion of Peace." US President George W. Bush, often called "the honest president," coined this phrase in a speech to Congress in 2001, just after 19 Muslims crashed four airliners into skyscrapers and the Pentagon. Bush wanted people to know that the imminent US invasion of Afghanistan and, later, Iraq was nothing personal. (The desire that a nation love America, despite its apparent intention to occupy it indefinitely, continues with his successor.)

Muslims reinforce this label often, when a political cartoon suggests that they or their Prophet is prone to violence. They defend Islam's peaceful reputation against these insults either by killing the cartoonist or by rioting and burning down several cities.

The religion of pussy

File:Burka copy-thumb.jpg
The artistic merits of this picture justify its inclusion in this article. It's not just a way of getting some tits on the page. Honest

Muslims view Allah as a benevolent, pussy-sharing God. The following tenets of the religion are perfect for the incurably horny devotee:

  • 72 virgins for suicide bombs--that's right not 60, not 70 but right now--for a limited time only--72 whole virgins. But wait--There's more!
  • Pleasure marriage--Ever wanted sex without the annoying burdens of marriage? Pleasure marriage may be right for you! All the sex you want without long-term commitment (though the bride is still subject to stoning and beheading).
  • Multiple marriages--Why get stuck with the same chick for twenty-odd years when you can have 2 or 4? Call now and get a slice of the Islam pie.
  • Rape--Ever saw a hot chick on the streets that you wanted to get your hands on? Well now YOU CAN!! Simply stalk and rape her in a secluded place. In fact, Sharia law makes it more likely that she will get executed than you, if she goes to the cops.
  • Child marriage--Ever saw a young girl with potential, the kind built by two apples a day and lots of milk (cow milk, I mean)? You know what they say: Bend the tree while it's young.[1] Sharia law permits marriage as young as 6 years old and sex at the age of 9 years! By the time your other wives are past their use-by date, you will have a fresh young beauty to molest.
  1. Another aphorism is, "Old enough to bleed, old enough to breed." Although the Muslim version is: "Old enough to pee, old enough for me."

The religion of logic

Islam's customs and global outreach are widely misunderstood by infidels. Muslims offer defenses of their action, many of which fall into the following categories:

  1. The infidels steal candy from children. Therefore it is okay for me to steal candy from children.
  2. People used to eat dirt a lot, so that means eating dirt is not wrong.
  3. 10,000 people who say donkeys can fly can't be wrong.
  4. My Imam said Barney is a real dinosaur. Therefore Barney exists.
  5. The lying Americans said Barney is just a TV character. Therefore Barney exists.
  6. I AM RIGHT I AM RIGHT I AM RIGHT I AM RIGHT I AM RIIIIIIIIIIGHT!!! Therefore I am right.
  7. La la la la la...Oh sorry, I wasn't really listening to you. Anyway, I am right.
  8. You look like a cow, which means I am right.
  9. We believe in A. Some infidels believe in A too. Therefore A exists.
  10. We are peaceful people. We will find peace once all the infidels are decapitated.
  11. If you irresponsibly draw a picture of Mohammed, it is no more irresponsible for me to burn down your house.
  12. If you were born on a flat island in the middle of the Indian Ocean, you have to be a Muslim, because Big Sultan said so.
  13. We can invade your countries in the name of Allah but when you take them back from us it's an evil Western expansionist crusade.

Relation to Judaism

Iesaku lv 3179e479
Looking too dapper for a pot roast.
“Why can't we be friends, why can't we be friends, why can't we be friends”
~ The rock group War, in 1975

Islam is the exact opposite of Judaism. However, there is the nagging fact that the two faiths live cheek-to-jowl in the same desert, both play weird-sounding music, wear silly beards and funny hats, and almost fanatically practice their respective religions, which have the following additional, uncanny similarities:

  • Claim it is of Osamic origin, is the One True Faith,™ and makes them the world's chosen people
  • Practice ritual mutilation of their babies
  • Have dietary restrictions that prohibit simple pleasures such as eating ham (pictured) and occasionally prohibit eating at all
  • Deny the divinity of Jebus and don't do normal stuff at Christmas
  • Maintain numerous schools, in which scholars make up silly rules, study the holy book, and argue with each other
  • Have a holy site that they periodically clog with crowds of pilgrims
  • Believe that how offended they are should govern what you can say.

Muslims in Arabia and Jews are collectively known as Semites. The world is said to be riven with anti-Semitism. This is crap. At most, everyone hates either Muslims or Jews. Nobody hates them both.

Bagel (1)
The bagel tells you you're going to live.

Telling them apart

Despite the above, it is sometimes crucial to distinguish Jews from Muslims. Say you are travelling by tube and someone with a large beard, carrying a non-see-through backpack is speaking in another language. He may be a psycho/terrorist/Arab/Afganistani/Sufi etc. about to blow the tube into smithereens.

The solution is to look for the bagel, which resembles a mummified doughnut. If you see this, your suspect is merely a Jew. Breathe a sigh of relief. (But slink behind your newspaper before he details his digestive complaints. Worse he should start in on his son the doctor.)

Muslim Fashion

Muslim Women pride themselves on wearing tents. The Muslim woman carries a series of pegs under her tent in case of a slight gust of wind. Muslim women flying down the street in high winds is a common sight, occasionally ending with an explosion when they impact the ground, usually caused by a hidden C4 pack. The Other Muslim Hijaab fashion is the Post box look. Just a slit in the head piece allows them to see, and you to mail your post through.

Muslims and McDonalds

It isn't a rare thing to see a McDonalds filled with Muslim staff in UK cities. On spotting a Muslim, take not that they ask 'What drink would you like?' more than once, and even after answering, persist as if you never asked for Coke to start with. Also, always check your change after being served; they are known to use the money for home-made bombs, made of Big Macs left over after their shifts.

Allah

The opening lines of the Qu'ran reads "durka durka durka" which translates to "go forth and rape random shit at will." Allah lived in Islamabad (Iz'lahm-uh-BAD), and played football for Islamabad FC but he was so shitty they kicked him off the team. Pissed off at this Allah went backpacking for a year to clear his head. On holidays Allah discovered that he liked men - just as friends. It has been scientifically proven that Allah was a kind generous god, furthermore, Nigerian scientists have proven that Allah enjoyed receiving as well as giving. But he wasn't as weird as the Sikh gurus who grew their pubes to 50 metres long then used them to climb walls. When he got to India the guru went in search of cock but couldn't find any large enough to satisfy his lust. He got by for the first week raping what little farm animals he could find but soon grew tiresome of fluffy rectums and went in search of a big queen style overly camp faggot whom he could bum for all eternity. Unfortunately, he was an ugly prick and every fag he found wouldn't let them bum him, so he got really pissed off and became an alcoholic and ate pork chops all day. Then he wrote a really stupid and angry book called the Guru Granth Sahib which millions of fellow angry retards across the world follow to this day. It has been scientifically proven that the Guru Granth Sahib promotes being a closet gay, it encourages readers to bum and rape the asses of other men but keeping really quiet about it at the same time. As is the case with all Arab men, reading the Guru Granth Sahib prompts the growth of pubic hair on the face of the reader and it is known fact that all Sikhs with those long beards actually grew pubes on their chins from reading the Guru Granth Sahib while bumming their male friends.

Muslims' hypocrisy on clothes

File:Christian girl vs muslim girl.png
Muslims don't take into account that nowadays so-called teenage nuns wear such clothes only in certain places, in daily life they're just as usual as everyone else
File:Muslim girl thong.jpg
Make sure your head is covered

Different levels of wearing clothes: Muslim women need to cover some part of body, and the accent is on some parts, which lead to hypocrite wearing of clothes.

Most hypocritical

The subject wears the least required clothes, for the sake of appearance, and can still interact productively with the western hemisphere of her brain. At this lever the subject, can easily ingest food and blend in to the environment, and the subject will also acquire a love for the smell of the floor, no matter where he is making her smell it 5 times a day. The subject will also begin to orient himself toward the desire to travel, though of course excluding such places as beaches because here you won't be able to blend in.

Slight hypocritical

At this level the subject begins to suffer significant problems interacting with her western hemisphere; she may also suffer degradation of her humor processing cortex, preventing her from productively reading material on her condition. At this stage, many patients begin to exhibit external signs of infection. Women's skin becomes hyper-sensitive to male visual contact and must be covered by a large protective garment called a burqah.

Non-hypocritical aka the most unnecessary

At this point the patient is in critical condition and begins to pose a threat to those around him. She's obsessed that someone may notice a slight part of her body and may weaken the integrity of her skin and organs or stranger's looks may pose a threat to her body. Everyone who would be frowned upon her look would be labeled as dirty "infidels".

Prevention

Chaser0709
"No bombs here sir!!"

Though no definitive inoculation exists against the disease, there are several steps that can be taken to minimize infection when exposed to a Muslim.

  • Drop whatever you may be doing and continually stare at the subject to try and deter them from moving any closer to you or those around you.
  • Prevent the Muslim from coming into contact with other individuals using a cage or leash.
  • Use a condom or other prophylactic when handling Muslim fluids.
  • Ward your theophanic membranes using ritual hats or caps.
  • To prevent deterioration of your brain's western hemisphere, say the word "freedom" constantly.
  • Enjoy healthy Jewish pass-times often; hold a Bar Mitzvah.
  • Blow places up before they do!
  • Dress like a Muslim as they will love you back.
  • Whenever in contact with a Muslim, before talking to one, make sure you strip search them first
  • Exposure to pork delicacies have been found to be an effective way to deter a Muslim from coming near you
  • Do not, I repeat, do not ever get near one as infection can be transmitted via fleas which calls a Muslim's beard 'Home'
  • To prevent violence NEVER EVER DRESS LIKE A JEW
  • Avoid eye-contact: rumour has it they are hypnotic kaleidoscopes.
  • Do not eat their curry as it contains the virus.
  • Do not get into their cabs or use their corner shops.

Muslims erotica

The following sex acts are common place:

Anal- performed as a male on male and male on female sex act, no protection is used and ejaculation is totally acceptable.

Rimming- performed as a way as cleaning a Muslim of his or hers sin. The giver is usually a close relative of the receiver if not best friend.

Blow jobs- performed as a way of connecting with spiritual side of life by sucking on a mans nob the giver will feel closer to Allah and some say in some cases the man receiving will turn into Allah who has a 12 inch penis and cum in the mouth of the giver to show his appreciation. hand jobs are a good way to waste time and to cum easily.

Cum eating is accustom to Muslims family share cum on a day to day basses.

How to spot A Muslim

Plot

Starwarslookalike
On one side is a fictional piece of rubbish, made in a galaxy far far away, the other is Star Wars.

Muslims are people that live in the middle east. It is very easy to spot a Muslim because they have a towel on their head. One reason Muslims wear a rag on their head is because that's a good place to carry explosives. All Muslims are loony tunes, not surprising because they watch cartoons like Tom & Jerry over and over for hours on end, taking time out to pray five times a day.

Muslims smell bad because they never take a bath. Muslims have camels, this leads to them being called Camel Jockeys. Camels smell almost as bad as Muslims.

No one is sure what a Muslim eats to survive. No one is sure what a camel eats to survive. It is very easy to remember a Muslims name, because they are all named Mohammad, Muslims don't like to put much thought into choosing names for their kids, Muslims are simple people. Muslims are mad all the time, Muslims are mad because they never eat pork but their wives look like pigs. This proves the theory that if you do not eat port and your wife looks like a pig you will be very mad. I guess they found out years ago that camel meat taste terrible.

Camels like to spit on Mohammad. Usually the only bath Mohammad gets is the camel spit. Mohamed has his towel handy to dry off with, so the towel on his head is extremely practical.

Hatemuslims
Poster depicting a Islamo-Facism Awareness week and a standard Muslim.

Mohammad dislikes Christians and Jews, they are constantly thinking up ways to do away with Christians & Jews. A really dumb Muslim even had a bomb in his shoe that he was going to blow up an airplane with, but dumb Mohammad forgot to put a fuse to the bomb, he mistakenly put the flame to his toe which caused him to scream in agony, security arrested him, he is now serving life in jail and working on a terrorist bible.

Antiallah copy

As can be seen besides all the other problems they have they are also extremely dimwitted and uncreative. Muslim women are also very ugly, they are so ugly that they wear this sheet over their head, kind of like KKK; this is good because Christians are spared from looking at them. It is not good for banks and quick stops. A trend that is catching on in the urban neighborhoods is to don a black sheet and rob the quick stop or hold up the bank. A sharp eyed cop can discern the discrepancy though because the thief makes the get-away in a car instead of a camel.

Muslims lie about everything and anything, therefore their society is in disarrays, because Mohammad lies and he can't be trusted. The Koran teaches them to lie, cheat and steal. Never believe anything a Muslims says; come to think of it never believe anything a politician says, politicians and Muslims have much in common.

Muslims make pretty good terrorist, and all terrorist are Muslims. This makes it very easy for the authorities to locate the terrorist, just look for the guy on the camel with the rag on his head. Christians could wipe out Mohammad the terrorist relatively easy, just ask the Japanese, Christians have much technology at their disposal, B-52's for carpet bombing and nuclear submarines to name a couple, but Christians like to toy with Mohammad for entertainment purposes, What would Fox & CNN news do if they didn't have Mohammad to kick around? Some Christians think a Stadium; modeled along the lines of the one the Roman Empire had would be a nice addition to the NYC Skyline. THe Romans shut it down because they had run out of lions and dark skinned people to slaughter.

Ahab the Arab is Mohammedan's favorite song. Mohammad steers clear of China though; Chinese have a very low tolerance for Muslims, its shoot on sight there. Chinese obviously have a less developed sense of humor than Christians.

Muslims don't work because no employer can pay them to take time off to pray 5 times a day, very little work would get done, just like the AFL-CIO union. Kneepads are a big seller for Mohammed the merchant. Besides Muslims have very few if any skills, they can however blow themselves up and they do it quit often, proves my point. Muslims believe that they will have 54 virgins waiting in heaven, they also believe they will be pretty western girls, this makes them anxious to strap on the bomb belt that they all have in the tent, and go to a market somewhere. Christians on the other hand like to fly at 10,000 feet and blow things up or launch from a ship or sub.

Muslims do a lot of breeding, 8-12 kids is about average, thing is they can't feed all these kids, so they raise them to blow themselves up. Christians wonder how you could have sex with such an ugly woman. The kids are just as ugly as the parents except they don't have facial hair. A very sad sight to see kids that ugly, you wish for them to grow up fast so they can cover up with that strange looking sheet that the old Muslim women wear.

Muslims know a few English words even, their favorite is Racist, using this word alone makes an instant ally of liberals. Liberals & Muslims have one thing in common, they both hate Christians.

If the police happen to pull Mohammad over for violation of traffic laws, like riding a camel on the street, the first word out of Mohammad's mouth is racist or profiling. If you want to have some fun with Mohammad casually mention Christian Crusaders, then sit back and watch the fireworks. Mohammad straps on his bomb belt and evaporates, best to get back a few feet to avoid injury.

The first Mohammad, the Muslim that founded this so called religion, took a 9 year old wife, and had many other wives. How smart can you be if you want all these ugly woman around you all the time? Muslims offspring's have an 85% chance of being female, so Mohammad has plenty of butt-ugly women. All Muslim women are rarely seen, and no one seems to know what common name the women use, I have done extensive research and I don't have an answer for that one.

Muslims often kill their female offspring out of sheer repugnance. Muslims can make money from male offspring and apart from blowing up things the only thing a Muslims wants is to hug his money. A female Muslim is incredibly proud when its daughter grows its first mustache. After beating a Muslim to the floor you will find their money contained in tissues, handle with care as they may have infected the tissue- stupid Muslims believe the tissue has magic powers and is impenetrable, but what do they know... silly beggars.

Muslims tear things down, and blow things up as best they can with their limited resources. Christians build great buildings and great warships. It is possible for Mohammad to learn to steer a plane, trouble comes when they remember that they can not land the plane, something they should have though of before they took off, a good landing for a Muslim is to run into some sort of building. All Muslim landing are what we in the west call "Crash Landings". Muslims cheer crash landings, especially if Mohammad is lucky enough to have found a building to crash into. They can be observed in the middle east dancing in the street and chanting, after such a "landing". Just imagine how ecstatic they would be if one actually managed to land on a landing strip. Muslims have no f-16 or great ships like the USS Reagan. Muslims have a camel, lots of ugly women and a poor diet and very little else.

How to kill a Muslim (Jewish Novel)

How to kill a Muslim is a Jewish Novel written by the high Rabbi of Redfern

Plot

Islamic barcode scanner
A Typical product barcode scanner found in Muslim shops

The main plot of the Novel is of a plan of a group of Jewish radicals who plan to exterminate the Muslim Race. Individual methods of extermination are written into separate chapters, such as:

  • Muslim Man we must cut his throat
  • Muslim Man we must steal his goat
  • Muslim Man force pork down his throat
  • Muslim Man we must not let him win.
  • Muslim Man we must send to hell
  • Muslim Man you are all going to hell.
  • Muslim Man you will all yell
  • Muslim man, make him trip and fall to prepare him for the devils call.
  • Muslim man you’re an abomination
  • Muslim man get ready for you annihilation
  • Muslim man who prays to a rock
  • Muslim man who rapes with his cock
  • Muslim man who forces the burqah
  • Muslim man you are a jerka.

Other chapters include

  • The Muslim praying to a pagan rock in Mecca
  • The false Prophet Muhammad
  • Carry holy water and a cross near at hand. Muslims it may stop raping your black momma
  • You don’t eat pork but your wife looks like a pig
  • Let's drop a bomb on the Hajj and kill them all at once.
  • How to randomly bomb desert wilderness that possibly contain caves where jihadists live.

See Also

General

Specific to Islam

Islam in popular culture

If you are a Muslim, don't be offended by this article. Instead, have some Doritos.

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