The title given to this article is displayed incorrectly because computers are trying to take over the Earth, so pretend it says Creationism.
“No, no. You don't understand. There aren't two debatable arguments here. See, on one side there's me being right, and on the other side there's you being an idiot.”
“Hmm, it seems that Jack Thompson has been here.”
“The difference in intelligence between me and my kinsfolk is too immense to be explained with simple Darwinist evolution”
Intelligent Design is the absolutely true and totally scientific theory that the Universe is so gee-whizzy fantastic and mind-bogglingly complex that it could only have been designed and constructed by a really really really, really really smart engineer. We will call this engineer the Creator. It might be God...but it might not, and we're not telling! That's what makes it scientific!
For instance, this Creator might actually only have been a divinity college drop-out. He maybe faxed his blueprints to a Yellow Elf manufacturer and had them making zillions of his creatures at a total cost of $15 (shipping and handling, insurance and tax included). That should explain why the design was so great but the craftsmanship sucks and nothing comes with a decent user manual or warranty. But beware the EULA: Your life is only a licence to exist, which you have to agree with before you can use it!
Darwinism is the opposite of Intelligent Design. This foul theory claims that the more complex stages of Evolution have developed in small steps from prevailing stages. This is true for science, which proves that science came from the Apes. The Bible on the other hand appearantly came from nowhere. This can be proven since no logic deductive reasoning ever can come to such conclusions as stands in the Bible. Hence, the Bible comes from the Creator and must be true. Unless it is a failed outcast from the 1000 monkeys writing Shakespeare project, or possibly was just written by bored jews as a way to pass the long lonely nights in the desert, without doing "that sodomite thing".
ID relies on modern information theory. DNA genotypes are an expression of ordered information. (Evil, God-hating scientists believe that, when discussing nature, "information" simply refers to what we learn about different particular configurations of energy and matter, but we intelligenter people know that information is what you get from the Fox News Channel.) The old, WRONG theory of Evolution implies that the information contained in DNA arose through a long process of "trial and error" based on DNA's self-replicating nature. Even your Aunt Petunia knows that can't be true! Information is there because SOMEBODY put it there!
Look at it this way: Just like the information in DNA, the information in a book is organized--otherwise it would have no meaning. Intelligent Designerists have spent millions of dollars sending super-sophisticated ninja research teams into the most remote and undeveloped regions of the world, and they have NEVER found even A SINGLE example of a book that was not written by someone. The fact that there are NO uncreated books PROVES that the information contained in them does not replicate and evolve. If really great information in truly awesome books--written by Rush Limbaugh or Ann Coulter, for example--cannot autonomously replicate and evolve, then surely dumb ol' DNA can't do it either.
With these facts in mind, we can see that the outmoded, WRONG theory of Evolution cannot be proven to be more than 99% true, so it's just a guess, really. A guess is not fact; what is not fact is not truth; and what is not truth is a lie. Therefore, Evolutionists are lying, and we Intelligent Designerists must be right! QED! Ipso facto! Ad hoc! Wang chung! !!! !!!!! !!!!!!!
Still not convinced? Then we will get even more sciencer! The Second Law of Thermodynamics states that "in a closed system, all things tend toward entropy." Now, we all know that a DNA molecule is hardly a closed system, but that does not matter, because the theory of thermodynamics itself is just another
theory guess! Therefore we can freely ignore arbitrary bits of it, and intelligenterly conclude that ALL things race toward entropy on greased rails! So you can see that if Evolution were NOT wrong and DNA did evolve over time, we would not find evidence of so-called "survival of the fittest"; instead, we would only find evidence of entropy, such as hermaphroditism, Ford and hereditary genetic defects. You may have heard of such things, but they do not really exist: Those things are just cases of demonic possession and/or God's the unknown Creator's punishment for immorality.
Other proofs that ID is an undisputable fact:
- Evolution simply cannot be true because scientists' minds can grasp it. The TRUE truth can only be understood by
- Towering intellects like George W. Bush say Intelligent Design should be taught in public schools. So there!
- Intelligent Design is not quite as stupid as SD
- ID can withstand criticism from small-minded science bigots.
- The Wizard of ID said so
Perhaps the best proof of ID's validity is the massive amount of research and discoveries made by Intelligent Designerists. These numerous scientific breakthroughs were the result of serious laboratory and field testing by dedicated professionals. Such discoveries include...um...let's see, what did they include? Uh, I'll get back to you on this one. Oh, that’s it; I remember what that guy said now. The intelligent intelligent designerist said “I don’t understand how life could have evolved – therefore evolution is invalid”. Another trick involves manipulating scientific lingo by saying “it’s only called the theory of evolution – therefore it’s not proven true; it’s a faith position”. But trust me, ID has made some serious strides in the scientific community!
The theory of Intelligent Design was apparently proven scientifically beyond all possible doubt by an unnamed scientist in 1994. Unfortunately, instead of immediately alerting current fourteen-term President and Christ figure Ronald Reagan, the scientist made the unfortunate decision of taking his theories to an evolutionary biologist for confirmation. After proceeding to the biologist’s ten-thousand acre manor estate, which, according to some reports, was infested with insolent talking household appliances, the scientist made his report to a figure later described as “shrouded in the blackest black shadow,” sitting behind a massive mahogany desk. After hearing what the scientist had to say, the biologist reportedly made a phone call to the Jew Controlled Gay Loving Democrat Liberal Elite Media. Though the exact orders given by the JCGLDLEM remain unknown, the biologist spoke a single word and instantly the scientist was consumed and skeletonized by a swarm of lab coat garbed teacher’s assistants. The lone copy of the document that so absolutely and empirically proved ID was slowly burned by one of the biologist’s cigarettes, which were purportedly gold fringed and kept in a monogrammed case.
When asked to explain how they are privy to these events, Intelligent Design advocates typically respond with “How are YOU privy to these events?” and make their escape in the resulting confusion. (See:How to Talk to a Scientist--If you must). Note that this story explaining the lack of proof behind ID is not agreed upon by all ID advocates. Others assert that the scientist in question simply had the document stolen from him by a gang of passing Negroes. A third group typically claims that “Proof is for communists. You're not a communist, are you?"
Of course you're not.
Criticisms from Small-Minded Science-Bigots
Isn't Intelligent Design just Creationism in disguise?
Answer: No! This is one of the biggest misconceptions about ID and to lump it in with creationism is nothing short of fallacy. Creationism is the notion that life did not evolve by natural means but instead was created by an intelligent being. Intelligent Design on the other hand, states that...fuck, I messed up. Can I try again? No? Well, they can edit this out, can't they? What, they're still taping?
About this information theory business... Are you saying that the Creator put more information into our genes than he even possessed?
Stated another way: If we are so complex that we must have been engineered by a space alien, is it not true that the Creator would also have been pretty damned complex? Doesn't that mean that the Creator must have been created by another Creator? And what about the Creator's Creator's Creator?
Answer: You're going to go to Hell!
What makes you think the design was intelligent? Really it's not; just look around you. Flying squirrels? Crabs and the platypus? How about the ocelot, llama or koala? No reasonable person can seriously believe someone intelligent designed these animals!
Richard Dawkins claimed to prove evolution was bunk and Intelligent Design a fact in his book "Mount Forget About It, Pal", wherein he asserts that "given the existence of mosquitoes, tornadoes, infidelity, and war, it should be clear to any television consuming being that the universe was designed by a God who is desperate for entertainment." Nevertheless, flying squirrels, crabs, ocelots, and koalas were scientifically determined to be products of an Unintelligent Design. See New Intelligent Design.
Answer: What? You're wrong! George W. Bush! Dembski! So there!
Surely this is more a question of theology rather than of science? If a school in Kansas wants to teach this alternative "theory" shouldn't they be doing so in a Religious Education lesson? Shouldn't science get to stick some stickers on religious texts saying "the information within this publication is not supported by certain facts established from the rigorous scientific confirmation of empirical data"? EH?
Answer: School kids are going to be indoctrinated with something, so it might as well be something that any high-school dropout would agree is science! Sheesh, why work hard to collect rigorous confirmations and empirical data? That would require effort and maybe even good math skills! It's much easier just to get John Q. and Bessy-Ann Public to go the School Board and vote that Intelligent Design is true! Face it: We intelligenter people outnumber you pansy scientists, and we're gonna kick your ass!
Intelligent Design in the Classroom
In recent years, the ongoing bias in science classes towards scientific explanations has reached unacceptable levels. Studies show that science teachers stubbornly refuse to teach ideas that are not testable and do not make predictions. Instead, students are forced to hear only one side of the issue in their science classes: the scientific one.
The Intelligent Design movement was formed in the deserts of Kuwait as a response to this pervasive bias in our children's education. After coming to American shores near Austin, Texas, the Intelligent Designerists completely overthrew that state's educational system. Further victories were had in the intelligentest and most forward-thinking states: Kansas and Georgia. The goal of the ID movement is to ensure that children are not exposed only to science in science class, but to ALL classes of ideas, so long as those ideas are held by televangelists and other proponents of ID. Also, their rules only apply to the theory of evolution by natural selection and not to any other scientific theory, law, or concept, because natural selection is so unfair and discriminates against people who are unfit.
Proponents of ID claim that creation happened 69 years ago and that copyright subsists in all attributes of the Intelligent Design. The current patentholder is a company called SCO, who also holds the patents for planets Saturn and Pluto and the recipe for water. SCO has ID lawyers working feverishly to prevent cloning on the basis that this would be a breach of copyright.
How to Talk to a Scientist--If You Must
When people want to argue with you that "real" science is used every day to do things like cure diseases or make genetically enhanced grains, you need to know how to put them in their place.
- Say things like "Well if you remember chemistry, that just disproves evolution."
- Remind them that evolution and Intelligent Design are both "theories." Compare Einstein's Theory of Relativity to your theory that Michael Jackson is really Elvis. One theory is as good as another, so both should be taught.
- Remind them that God loves you and hates them, which makes you better and more qualified to make scientific judgments.
- Drown them out by shouting that you get your information from "a higher authority."
- Tell them that in this post-modern world of relativism, people need to be taught that things are not always as they seem. I mean, if the guy from Depeche Mode is married to a woman, you really can't prove or disprove anything.
- We all know life is just too complex to have started on its own. And even though the "creator" is obviously more complex than any other life in the universe, there is no reason to worry about where HE came from. Just put that question out of your mind. And if a scientist asks you explain how an ultra-advanced god could just spontaneously create itself out of nothing, kick him in the balls and run away. God doesn't like people who asks too many questions.
- Dazzle 'em with bullshit: The growing, irrefutable body of knowledge about DNA is a gold mine for proponents of Intelligent Design. Paul Davies, a researcher and professor of physics at the University of Queensland and at the Australian Center for Astrobiology at Macquarie University, says: "Just as the sequence of letters in an instruction manual is independent of the chemistry of the paper and ink, so the ‘letters’ in DNA—-which make up the information—-are independent of the chemical properties of nucleic acid." This will confuse the lay person who believes in "science" and make them give up talking to you. You will win the argument by default.
- If for some unfathomable reason the above will not suffice, take to the ultimate argument:
Science means researching things in their pure form. Arguably the Creator of this complex universe, microcosm and macrocosm included, must be made of pure intelligence or pure consciousness.
Here is the catch, we also consist of consciousness. Or are you the same as the arm made from metal, on the auto assembly line, with a microchip? No self awareness. So the scientist must purify his/her consciousness in order to determine if consciousness REALLY is matter or spirit.
Thus the scientist must work to get rid of lust, greed, hatred, anger, illusion and madness. He must use a scientific method to do so, and it might take some time. Otherwise he is not a scientist, but a spokesman for deceit and bluff. But if the truth is out there, the absolute truth is supremely pure. By contacting that supremely pure, we become purified from the above mentioned 6 contaminations.
If, when free from those 6 contaminations, we can experience our true self as pure intelligence and consciousness, experience pure bliss and love, then we have a strong argument for Creator. If we are of the same pure nature as God, we can experience Him only when we also are pure. Just like pure water is different in properties from sea water, which is full of contaminants like salt etc. By repeating and hearing Gods name we can become purified by His presence, since He is absolute, thus nondifferent from His name. See backtohome.com for details on scietific method of self and God realization.
If the scientist still asks how an ultra-advanced Creator created Himself out of nowhere, kindly point out to him that see, as your science has proved, all *energy* is eternal, why do you think that the source of that energy, the energetic, is suddenly not eternal. Where is your logic? Why you think, material energy is eternal, but consciousness, which can manipulate material energy, is not eternal??
(Of course, it must be noted that the preceding argument is baseless and about as meaningless as anything else used to support Intelligent Design, but it will confuse disbelievers long enough to allow you to slip away and find a hiding place where the science-people won't be able to find you and pester you for rational explanations.)
- The theory of Intelligent Design By Committee
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- The Theory of History
- The Theory of change
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- The Theory of Evolution
- The Theory of Evolution For Dummies
- The Theory of Evolution Of Dummies
- The Theory of Intelligent Design For Dummies
- The Theory of Intelligent Design Of Dummies
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- The Theory of Change Management
- The Theory of The Ghetto Gospel of Intelligent Design
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- The Theory of Atheism
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- Poof, There It Is Theory...hahaha