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The Illuminati is everywhere watching you.

“I don't remember anything. I wasn't involved.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Illuminati
“We don't exist.”
~ The Illuminati on the Illuminati.
“Heute essen wir die Welt, morgen dein Sonnensystem!”
~ German on Illuminati
“Aujourd’hui la haute cuisine, demain le système sonore!”
~ French on Illuminati
“They OWN you!”
~ George Carlin on Illuminati
~ The Knights who say Ni on Illuminati

According to Alan Dershowitz, Illuminati is defined as a supposed New World Order collective book club, first dreamed up by Adam Weisenheimer in his parent's garage smoking a bong back in 1776, but not actually formed until much later, when enough people had become sufficiently whacko to support a formal organization. It has an uncanny knack for attracting fat, balding, impotent 40+ year-old male slackers with excessive wasted intellect. A related group, the "Illuminati Illuminators", fits the same description. These "Illuminator" individuals (term used loosely in a codependent sense of the word) seem to oddly and frequently succumb to the overwhelming need to create text-based websites in blue boldface, with a large font. The site must have the following characteristics in order to be considered relative to The Illuminati:

1) Playing Big brother.

2) multiple reference sources of other fat, bald, impotent slackers (40yr+) who either live in their parents' garage or are homeowners who squander their equity on hairbrained schemes.

3) no style or flow

4) some cheap attempt at disguising blatant antisemitism.

5) Run-ons are a common way that Illuminati "illuminators" illustrate their unfortunately-not-so-unique ability to butcher the English language it happens that they are educated like the reptilian shape-shifters they talk about in their postulations and this is indicative of a much larger scale conspiracy SOMEHTHING IN ALL CAPS SOMEHTING MISSPELLED THIS TIME so it stands to reason that these people were all abducted by aliens, anal-probed, brain-probed, and sent back down to earth; literacy-challenged.

6) whiny blogs and other web entries, such as comments on talk pages and forums, that seem to blame everyone else for their misfortunes instead of the one person that is really responsible: themselves, for making their own poor decisions that lead to the consequences of their hard lives. But no, rather than blame themselves, they blame the Jews, or the Conservatives--anyone but themselves.

Of course, this could describe 99% of what you find on the internets, leading people to wonder if Al Gore is an agent of the Illuminati.

Illuminati's greatest achievement is convincing people that the Illuminati are a figment of the common imagination (much like the common garden goat), created to give credence to the inconsequential musings of the masses. They have their hands everywhere, and you may even see the result on this very page which both unveils who the Illuminati are and at the same times declares that they do not exist.


The Illuminati are an unpleasant fiction. No such order exists. Here, we describe this fantasy cabal, as constructed by the weak minds of the masses.

A widespread rumour, however backed by little or no empirical evidence, states that the Illuminati are in fact the Knights who say Ni.

Illuminati is the popular name of The Circle. They are secretive and beautiful beings (followers of Darwin's teachings), now collectively known as the "ULTRA KVLT UBER NEKRO GRIM" Circle (UKUNG for short). This term was actually coined by modern anthropologists and pathopsychologists, fascinated by The Circle.

A disproportionate number of Illuminati are espresso coffee drinkers and former Call-Centre employees.

What It Is


The Illuminati is a splinter group formed after the ejection of electricians from the Masons for not being "stoneworky" enough. They also fueled Robert Langdon's ability to save the world. Langdon somehow managed to save the world by deciphering symbols that gave the position the Basilica of St. Peter, (he took navigation 101 in highschool), the pope's secret tunnel, the pope's spare underwear, Greenwich England, to form some sort of line that zig-zags around because none of these form a straight line anyway, and that is why Langdon was trying to pass Da Vinci off as a high and mightly leader of the Illuminati's parent club. Anyway he used it to crack the Da Vinci code which lead him to find a script for a movie named "The Da Vinci Code" with a note that if anyone finds it to destroy it immediately and not make a movie out of it, least it torture the audience for over three hours and use historically inaccurate references to bash Christians and even Jebus himself. Now Langdon, being a complete and total moran destroyed the note instead of the script and published the movie anyway. He made hundreds of millions of dollars at the box office just from movie theaters that paid him off so they wouldn't have to show his movie and show reruns of Star Wars and Lord of the Rings instead. Those movie theaters that were foolish enough to show his movie had a high rate of suicide among its patrons as they tried to kill themselves in order to get the memories of the movie out of their heads.


The Illuminati were refounded in 1987 AD after a 14 year long secret investigation into the existence of the Illuminati by the Rand Corporation concluded that no such organization existed. Henry Kissinger (Ilumnaughty name: Reverend Loveshade) immediately arranged a clandestine meeting with President Ronald Reagan (Ilumnaughty name: Binky the WonderSkull) and other Goa'uld. They began formulating "the F.N.O.R.D. Plan," a secret code phrase that actually stood for "the F.N.O.R.D. Plan." With Reagan operating under the alias of Ronald McDonald, the group devised the then non-existent worldwide megaconspiracy to "defend the civilized peoples against the uncivilized," "perfect free market capitalism," and improve the previously hit-and-miss phantom conditioning to "historico-stabilitive" psychonorms.


Beginning in 1989, five fnord selected government agencies and two overseas military bases were unofficially given twice their regular budget and staff, and each was reorganized as two identical agencies with the same purpose but half the workload. Then the upper level authorities in each agency and new "double-agency" were separately and individually taken on four week long "retreats" for debriefing and informed that they had been chosen to serve on a classified emergency task force of one type or another, the fictional purpose of which had been custom chosen for each recipient. Each inductee was sworn to secrecy and sent back to govern their respective agency or double-agency and await further instructions.

Leakers and their families immediately fnord disappeared. It is suspected that the Illuminaughty codenamed "Socktroll" was involved in this, as well as the disappearance of 5,999,999 single socks and counting.

Catsup bottle 5 27 2006 171

The absolutely secret Illuminati international headquarters is located next to Route 159, just south of downtown Collinsville, Illinois. Most of their funding comes through catsup sales.

At the end of the "weeding out" process, half of the agencies/double-agencies were informed by Elvis that the entire thing had been a practical joke. The staff of their counterpart double-agency/agency were executed. Their bodies were then sold in India as Sacred Chao, which is Indian for "hamburger meat."

In 1990, one year into the presidency of George H. W. Bush, the project was apparently fnord cancelled. A 1999 Freedom of Information Act request for information related to any "illuminati related program activities" was filed by the Rotary Club of Columbus Ohio. The US Department of Justice responded later that week with "Nice try."

Critics have fnord pointed to serious flaws in the attempt to create the Illuminati, even suggesting that the Rand study could have been mistaken or deliberately manipulated to obscure the facts. For now, the truth is hidden—perhaps in plain site. According to the New York Times, former Illuminasti President Britney Spears has the entire two-volume dossier of the group's activities hidden in her breasts.

In 2006 when Henry Kissinger and Ronald Reagan were asked about their part in the conspiracy by then Emperor Arnold Schwarzenegger, they both responded with "Don't ask us we're dead."

Actually the Illuminati applied the Illuminatty technique to all clocks and calendars in the world, so we can't really be sure about none of the dates quoted before in this article. But because of the double negative in that last sentence, we can be sure of all of the dates in this article. This is an example of the clevernessness of those wily Illuminati. When they applied the technique to Big Ben, it has been reported that they got a hard-on and consequently inadvertedly started the worship of inverted female phalluses and male manliness, as well as the somewhat later creation of the phallic barcode, whom some say contains the number of the fairy king, 665. 665 has since confirmed this. The number is 817.

The release of 8 Diagrams by the Wu Tang Clan dealt a near deathblow the the organization, attacking it with thousands of points of light and directed super-tornadoes.

The current outer head of the order is Martin Mull. He has revived the ancient initiation ceremony of pissing in a wax-paper bag in front of an Illuminati dinner party. Mr. Mull asks that all your membership requests be sent to Scott Ian or Wesley Snipes.


See also


This article hides the truth. For real power, go to Disneyland.

The Real Illuminati

The Illumintai above are the fictious result of the American mass media trying to find someone other than terrorists to blame for all of George w. Bush's fails. The real Illuminati do, in fact, exsist. They are a small organisation run out of Vatican City, chosen because of its dramatic irony. Their members include Death, the Pope and Satan. They exsist to maintain and run the Occult beurocracy that most people ignore. They have agents in every government, in every buisness and every fast food chain. Its members meet once a month to discuss whats happened recently over a cup of hot chocolate and a shortbread. If anything fucks up, they send in Vampire Ninjas to kill the casue of this fuck up. Their minuite taker is Judas, who only does the job becasue otherwise Death would use him as her own personal minion, a job with a life expectancy of 2 days. As far as the majority of the world knows, the real Illuminati don't exsist. They are fine with this, as they now don't have any fangirls trying to get autographs. They hate Edward Cullen and have placed him at the top of the Occult hitlist, but due to his sparkly nature, no assassin has been able to get near the bastard without getting blinded.

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