Hyrule

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Revision as of 08:56, July 14, 2009 by Thekillerfroggy (talk | contribs)

Jump to: navigation, search
Bloink1 solid
This article is being considered for deletion in accordance with Uncyclopedia's deletion policy.
This page may not fit in Uncyclopedia, or may not be funny with little chance for redemption.
Please share your thoughts on the matter at this article's entry on the Votes for deletion page.
Malon Contemplating Banner
Hylia
Kingdom of Hyrule
Post-4296-1195347318hyliaflag Hyrule Coat of Arms
Flag Coat of Arms
Motto: "The Hero of Time Will Save Us!"
Anthem: "The Song That Is In Every Stupid Zelda Game AKA Overworld"
Hyrulemap
Capital The Letter H (It's some zombie town I heard)
Largest city That-pathetic-village-with-the-chickens-that-appears-to-change-all-the-time
Official languages English, Hylian, Gerudo, Japanese, and ancient writing you can't read unless you find some stupid item.
Government Monarchy/Dictatorship
Emperess Princess Zelda and you have to save her all the bluddy time.
National Heroes Link, and it is ALWAYS Link no matter what
Established 1986
Currency Shiny green ruppees on the floor that magically disappear when you touch them and re-appear into your wallet. Symbol: ৳

Army

Dignified people who pretend to be there for you but never actually do anything.
Religion Pantheism (You thought it was "panty-theism", huh?), Islam (don't believe me? Scroll down a bit)
Population A desperate old man living in a cave and a couple zombies.


“No, I don't know where to find the master sword, now get the heck off my lawn.”
~ Link on Hyrule
“No, I don't know where to put all your good for nothing master swords, now get the heck out of my temple.”
~ Old Man on Hyrule
“GET EN MAH BELLY!!!”
~ Lord Jabu-Jabu on Eating You
“In CD-i HУяцгэ Princess Zelda saves YOU!![1]
“If only I knew you would become such a handsome man... I should have kept the promise I made back then...”
~ Nabooru on ??????
“I travel in time and back, multiply into 4, survive death mountain, turned into a wolf, hanged around with annoying fairy, hanged around with annoying dark demon thing, went through puberty in two seconds from picking up a sword, find out a persons true secret identity, rode annoying boat, stole a horse, stopped the moon from killing us all, learn lots of songs on a ocarina, did bunch of other weird stuff, defeat the evil Gannon, and saved the princess Zelda in Hyrule and all I got was this lousy T-shirt”
~ A lousy T-shirt on Hyrule
“Mah boi, the peace is what all true warriors strive for.”
~ The King on Hyrule

History

Ocarina time cucco hunt

Who cares about history when you can play with chickens?

In the beginning there was nothing but a nebula where three goddesses, Din, Nayru and Farore hanged out and played Frisbee golf to pass the time. Eventually they go bored of that because it isn’t even a real sport and shouldn’t have even been invented, let alone played, so Din created a big ball of dirt and called it art. Din was very proud of her art project and thought it deserved an A so she showed it to her art teacher. Unfortunately Din had taken the coarse pass/fail, so she didn’t get that precious A, just a pass, and since an A is capitalized and a pass is not, that proves that an A is more important and totally awesomer then a simple boring pass. So then Din went crying to Farore about how totally unfair this all was, and then Farore, to teach Din a lesson in humility, created a bunch of little critters to live on the ball of dirt. Then Farore declared “I rule!” and the little critters misheard it as “Hyrule,” so that’s what they named the ball of dirt they lived upon. Din was obviously angry about Farore covering her precious art project with annoying little creatures, for some of them, the Gorons, actually ate dirt. Then Din and Farore started slapping and pulling each other’s hair out, but then Nayru stepped in and created the Law to stop the fighting. Then the little creatures lived by themselves for a while and even created a few civilizations and war monuments on their own.

File:The king loves Chuck.JPG

Then this cool dude whose name was, coincidentally, King of Hyrule, decided to become the king of Hyrule. To accomplish that he created an army, sure they could only move in geometric patterns and could only see three yards in front of them and couldn’t stop a boy dressed up like a paranoid elf from sneaking into the castle garden, but they were the best he could find. Then he took his self-fashioned army and conquered the fair city-states of the Zoras and the Gorons, and created for himself the kingdom of Hyrule so he could rule it and feel good about himself. The only people he didn’t conquer was the Gerudo, for they come at ya like a spider monkey pumped up with Mountain Dew, and the Kokiri for they were too immature and dorky to even bother conquering. At first Din was happy about this for it would be the end of the ferocious and brutal Gorons who threaten the very existence of her art project, but then the King decided to live in perpetual harmony with his newly-conquered people and Din was a tad furious about it all. Then with the fate of her work of art in mind, Din decided to do something about the Goron problem. To elaborate on her scheme she did thus: she paid some doohickey in an advanced geometry to design a cool magikalthingymajigg to be used for her own mischievous designs. Thus the legendary golden trio of triangles that is used as a logo for some lame power tool company was created, the Triforce!

Arwing

It looks like Link's winning!

Now just wait a picosecond and a half here, didn’t Nayru make some rule book making such violations of the hands off pact impossible? Well she did, but through the centuries the English language went though some phases, words like thou thy whom and whilst went out of fashion (Though someone obviously forgot to tell the Great Deku Tree about it), the word gay suddenly got a new and completely different definition, people refer to each other as dogs and bruddas, various Spanish words were put into frequent use by completely pointless little-kid shows like Dora the Explorer, and, well, you get the idea. The point is that languages change, so over the years since words got new definitions, the Law as laid down by Nayru also changed meaning by however our unelected officials at the Supreme Court say they do, and then suddenly BWAM! We got ourselves some very clear and large loopholes here and there and all along the square. So therefore this was possible, you follow my drift brudda?

Anywho, back to the story now: Din then took this magikalthinymajigg and put it in this totally awesome place called the Temple of Time (lame name, but it does have a catchy background music plus a room that can change form a polygon shape to a square shape before your very eyes instantaneously), and that was all she needed to do. Then this totally rad dude named Ganondorf Dragmire ransacked the Temple of Time with a fleet of Airwings he borrowed from Starfox 64, in what is today called
Biggoron

The end is upon us!

the Battle of the Five Armies. (Four of the said armies were on the side of Ganondorf, hence him winning) Then Ganondorf took the Triforce and used it to kill the King of Hyrule and established his omnipotent domain over the known world, which included giving out the order to his most trusted servant General Bongo Bongo, to feed the entire Goron race to a giant wyrm in a glorious act of genocide, and then retired to his evil fortress of darkness, which he positioned over a boiling lake of lava for added effect, to practice playing his beloved and most cherished pipe organ. Then the great goddess Din was satisfied, or at least so it would seem…


Then a racially and mentally confused Hylian who grew up with a bunch of Kokiri, left home because he was bored earning his living by jumping off a bridge for quick cash and getting run over by a passing rock every time he tried to get the lame Kokiri Sword, then again everything relating to the Kokiri is lame, their music, architecture, deity, military, national anthem, official dress, etc. Anyways, back at the ranch, this fairy boy, or so he likes to call himself, met up with this farm lass, Malon, who told him that it would make a great adventure game to go and slice off Ganondork’s head. Fairy boy, since he had nothing better to do, did just that, right before the Goron genocide was officially completed. (Only because the said process fell behind schedule when Bongo Bongo accidentaly cut of both of his own hands when making sushi and was hosipitalized)

Arwing5

Maybe not so much...

So the chubbly lil’ Gorons survived, then Din who is known for overreacting, overreacted with a big flood to wipe out the entire universe, massive overkill, but it makes for a great Hollywood blockbuster movie climax ya’know. Thus all of the Gorons were killed, along with everything else, and the only things left alive were a giant bird, an obese ghost, a lava crab, a mean green eating machine, and a giant sand worm, so Nintendo would have enough bosses to make the next game in which Lord Jabu-Jabu makes a cameo.

Then Ganondorf came back from the dead as the result of a Wicca ceremony gone wrong, had his identity stolen, changed his name to Ganon, and got his head stabbed again by the same fairy boy in exactly the same manner as before, minus the pipe organ unfortunately.

Super Nintendo Era

In the totally awesome land of Hyrule, which is located just north of the not-so-awesome Somalia, there was a terrible blight called the Black Death which spread from nation to nation killing all who stood in it's way, and the land of the Hylians was no exception. People were dying right and left, not good for the decor mind you, and this dark wizard named Agriham, Agirham, Arihgrihm, Ahgiman, or maybe it was Ahgihmn? Oh never mind! Anyways, the sweet thing about world domination is that you can start anywhere, work your way out, and you'll eventually have the whole thing. The thing was with this dark wizard (who by the way is Ganondorf but you're not suppose to know that yet) just happened to choose Hyrule as his starting place. So this wizard cured the dreaded plague, and the King said "Well, that's kinda cool, I guess" and made him his personal advisor. If you've watched enough movies, like Aladdin, then you are very much familiar with the fact that advisors usually stab you in the back when you're not looking. (or force you to eat crackers, it varies form story to story) So what do you know! This dark wizard stabbed the King in the back and took over Hyrule! (It wasn't fatal though, for we see him again in the credits, or maybe it's his evil clone that no one told us about?) :o

Whosadrian

お、お前は、姫の… …。

Well, Link's old man, Uncle Hub, didn't care much for the New World Order this dark wizard was creating, so he snuck out in the middle of the night, leaving nothing for his beloved son except a rusty old lantern he bought at a Tripoli Tourist Shop from a Somalian on clearance, and marched off to make a one-man assault on Hyrule Castle. Contray to popular belief, a good guy can die in battle, and that's what happened to poor Uncle Hub. Now Link wasn't too happy about only getting a lantern, so he marched off himself to find the old buzzard, just in time too, and he forced his uncle to give him something besides a rusty old lantern. Uncle Hub then gave Link something he can actually know how to use, a sword, and then died. Only to be brought back from the dead just in time for the credits, suspicious...

Mirror shield weapons and armor ocarina of time master quest mini

Proposed new Hylian Coat of Arms, sadly rejected because the color scheme is all wrong and it downs't match Link's eyes. Plus it has too many Islamic qualities and might offend the local Pantheists.

Now Link would have preferred a Kokiri Sword, but that's protected by an impossible maze and a never-ending supply of vicious rolling boulders, so he lived with it. Now Link decided to put his inheritance to good use, and snuck through a secret passage in the Eastern Gardens (Why is there always a secret passage?) and lead his own attack on the keep. Now Link, unlike most heros, has fifty bazjillion lives plus an annoying fairy buzzing around his head, so he did considerably better then his late uncle, not dying himself was one of the benefits of this. Even though Link is the coolest lefty in existence, he still has limits and wasn't able to lob off the dark wizard's (Ganon, ahem) ugly head like he was use to doing. Link did manage to free some blonde lass named Princess Zelda, but that is altogether unimportant.

Then Link joined a Lacrosse team and went on an adventure across the land to pass the time until Nintendo finished programming the final boss and credits so he could get on with his life-long goal of acquiring the legendary Kokiri Sword. He was pretty lost at first, since the main landmarks he was use to; the Lost Woods, Lake Hylia, Kakariko Village etc. had all moved around like they usually do in between each game, but then he bought an official Nintendo guide at K-Mart and was never bothered by this problem again. Then he found an old man who told him to go north, and Link, lacking a compass, took a while to figure out which way was north, but he did find his way eventually. (Because he's Link and plus he visited a cheat site on the internet) So eventually he found himself in a haunted grove where a deku scrub tried to sell him some sort of Master Sword for ₣67. Now Link explained to the wooden man that he only had a couple Djiboutian Ruppees and even if he did happen to have some Swiss Francs he wouldn't waste 67 of them on some worthless piece of metal when he already has a perfectly aceptable blade. Then the deku scrub got angry and spat a nut at him, but then Link used the Mirror Shield he got on his holy pillgramge to Mecca, and survived the encounter. Then Link went back to Hyrule Castle again because he was bored with life, and attacked the dark wizard with this bug net he happened to have, but the dark wizard sort of valued his own life and retreated to the Pyramid of Power which just happened to be in another dimension. Link followed him to his hideout where there was a greatly done cutscene in which the dark wizard revealed himself to be, in reality, Ganondorf (What an exciting plot twist!), just in time for Link to lob off his head once again.

CaptainViscen

It's the end of the world! Do something!

Then Link was stuck in this alternate dimension which he soon learned, from a scary-looking mask salesmen, was called Termina and would be destroyed in exactly three days. To this he replied "Oh boo hoo hoo" and went upon his way. He then spent his first day running around the Laundry Pool trying to engage the guy with the purple hair and Pikachu mask into some polite and friendly conversation, but alas, the boy was too busy thinking of his beloved to respond. Then in frustration Link bought a Powder Keg from a passing Goron who just happened to be there, and blew the kid's door bell to little tiny bits, mwa ha ha!

Cremia

No, thank you...

Then dawned the second day, which Link spent taking pictures of the Gerudo Pirates to show his friends when he got back home. Then night fell and Link helped out two red-haired lasses, who looked strangly similar to his own love interest back at home, stop a bunch of Martians from kidnapping their precious livestock. When the sun rose above the hill tops, Link suddenly remembered what the creepy-looking guy said, about the world's destruction and all, and decided to do something about it. So Link thanked the two sisters for their generous "reward", and rode off feeling quite happy about his lastest venture. (Did I forget to mention he acquired a horse somehow?) Then Link zipped through the four easiest dungeons he had ever faced, and then, not knowing what else to do, snuck into the Deku Kingdom Gardens via a secret passage (Why is there always a secret passage?) and was made the guest of honor by the Deku King and Princess and enjoyed a royal feast of roasted monkey with BBQ sauce. Then Link realized the moon about to fall, so he stopped it somehow (we won't go into details here) and saved the world.

It is currently unknown where this all falls into the timeline, but it made a great game!

What is Hyrule?

Hyrulemap Warning! You are in danger of being eaten by Lord Jabu-Jabu!
This article was written by a zelda freak, which is defined as someone who has drawn their own personal map of Hyrule, placed all of the zelda games in perfect chronological order, and jumped off a roof holding a chicken and was shocked to find himself or herself in the Emergency Room the following morning.

That bunch of poorly designed pixels and polygons that magically appears every time you shove that ridiculously small and fragile disc into your Gamecube you got for Christmas. It's notorious for having lazy citizens who count on Link, giant monsters that have their bane lying about in their own dungeons, crazy chickens that will beat you like the idiot you are, and your mom.

Geographic Features

ZOoTmap-1
The completely awesome land of Hyrule has many interesting and fascinating features, like Lake Hylia, Death Mountain, Death Mountain Trail, Death Mountain Crater, Death Mountain Area, but the most amazing and stunning of all is the great Gerudo Desert. Oh sing of the Great Desert! The glittering golden yellow sand blowing in the wind! The interesting rock formation in the shape of a cow! The great ocelot herds of the lower mesa! One-way ticket on sale now for only ₤568.99!
Carpetsale

Never trust a flying carpet salesmen you happen to find in the middle of the Gerudo Desert that can't speek propur English

Economy

Hyrule’s economy is doing terrible, but in the past, at the height of the golden age, long before Ganondorf blew everything sky high and learned how to play the pipe organ, things were awesome. There were a ton of shops, shooting galleries, mini-games, deku scrubs that sold you worthless stuff, suspicious flying carpet salesmen, marketplaces and people’s problems to solve, but now all there is in the entirety of the latest adventure is some lame STAR game that has no point and a sweet looking café that refuses to sell you anything and the stupid Malo Mart with their "invincible" armor.

任天堂株式会社

Garbledmessage

Come again?

For more information please contact my people at Großostheim, Germany.

National Anthem

Things to Do

In general

Swordless12

Flying is simply the art of throwing yourself at the ground, and missing.

  • Find hobos, they will usually give you an empty jar. It is unknown what they used these jars for before they gave them to you...
  • Get molested by screaming zombies.
  • Vandalize graveyards.
  • Like totally break people's most valuable possesions (usually pots or tea sets) and steal their money.
  • Play music for cows.
  • Entrap fairies. With said jars.
  • Dig for jewels.
  • Chase stray dogs.
  • Get drunk off of Chateau Romani at the Milk Bar
  • Marry a Zora princess (sure the egg laying thing is kind of weird, but if you can get past that...)
  • Break signs.
  • Kill Ganondorf (it's all the rage)
  • In Soviet Hyrule Zelda Saves YOU!!
  • Host a cucco fighting tournament.
  • Fill in for the oddly missing local law enforcement. Seriously, like where the hell are they?

Death Mountain

  • Get promptly run over by a passing rock.
  • Get promptly run over by a passing Goron.
  • Get promptly run over by a passing Tekite.
  • Get promptly run over by a passing Voldrom.
  • Get promptly run over by a passing volcanic meteor.
  • Get promptly run over by a passing lynal.
  • Write a book about your experiences being promptly run over by random objects.

Lake Hylia

Swordless9and10

Link caught robbing the lake laboratory.

  • Learn to fly.
  • Steal Ruto’s shiny blue medallion.
  • Steal the scientist’s fried eyeballs.
  • Steal the scientist's bottle of the best eyedrops in the cosmos.
  • Steal the scientist’s ornamental heart-shaped roof decoration.
  • Steal the fisherman’s hat.
  • Steal the fisherman’s fishing pole.
  • Steal the fisherman’s sinking lure.
  • Steal the fisherman.
  • Wonder how a lake can move between every single game.
  • See horrendous scars on a nearby tree from the sacrificial rituals of an old druidic cult during the 60's.

Gerudo Desert

Naborrumasks4

Identity crisis...

  • Marvel at the sand.
  • Marvel at the rocks.
  • Marvel at the pathetic oasis in the middle of nowhere.
  • Marvel at the great ocelot herds of the lower mesa.
  • Marvel at the huge statue of some Hindu lady in the middle of nowhere.
  • Marvel at getting fleeced by some flying carpet salesmen in the middle of nowhere.
  • Marvel at the fact that a Gerudo stole one of Lon Lon Ranch’s precious livestock.
  • Marvel at the fact that you can’t figure out how a race of Arabian women reproduce.

Hyrule Field

File:Jeporday! not! evilmidnakickbutt!.jpg
  • Run around.
  • Frolic around.
  • Walk around.
  • See a flying ship!
  • Get eaten by a Pea Hat.
  • Wonder what moron named them Pea Hats.
  • Get eaten again by a Pea Hat. Again.
  • Win the chicken game at Lon Lon Ranch and win yourself a red-haired beauty.
  • Catch a man whose dream is to impersonate the long extinct bunny rabbit.
  • Run everywhere until you can convince some idiots to give up their horse for no damned reason.
  • Marvel how a civilization can cope with one minute long days and nights.
  • Defeat the Running Man and win a day-pass to the top secret Gerudo Spa.
  • Finally realize that you can't beat the Running Man, no matter how hard you try.
  • Get eaten by a pea hat.
  • Get mauled by skeletons for staying off the road. Stupid Gandalf.

Market

  • Get assaulted by an army of screaching zombies.
  • Jump around. Jump Jump.
  • Eat the market.
  • Host Dog Fights.
  • Get trampled by imaginary cows.
  • That’s about it.

Religion

The official and de facto religion of Hyrule is Sunni Islam, that's right! You know that Spirit Temple? It’s actually a mosque. Don’t you believe me? If you want proof that your favorite green clad left-handed fairy boy is in fact a strap-a-bomb-to-your-chest-die-hard practicing Muslim, just look around! The proof is overwhelming!

Link recently went on a mission trip to convert the pagan barbarians of Clock Town to the loving faith of Islam by using his Bomb Mask to turn himself into a suicide bomber! All hail Allah!

Beta Quest

The Beta Quest is the quest every Hylian Knight must take in order to feel totally awesome about himself. The goal of the said quest is to find the legendary Beta Fish, which has never been found and eternal glory shall be granted upon the one who does. Though no one has ever found what they were looking for, they have found some pretty interesting stuff, like a Lord Jabu-Jabu with two rows of teeth, the Triforce, and a burninated village. Here is the only known maps of the great abyss, for all your travelling needs:

Final Fantasy DCCCLXXXVIII: There is no "Final" Fantasy

The most plot-heavy game set in Hyrule. You play the spiky-haired hero named Vick who has to stop Richard Nixon's plot to do something bad to the world... Like take it over or blow it up or something. It's been a while since I played it.
The generic big city is just plain called "Hyrule", despite the rest of the state being named Hyrule, too. (Sort of like Singapore)
At one point, Hyrule is destroyed. Then there's this outlandish plot twist involving Vick's history, and then Hyrule is undestroyed and it's a happy ending. However this just leads to Final Fantasy DCCCLXXXXIV.

Jeopardy

The Kingdom of Hyrule is known for having the best jeopardy team across the whole universe! They have recently crushed all other teams for the last 47,000 years in the Multi-Dimensional Jeopardy Championships, which is a show-down by that year's top seven teams. Last year Hyrule, North Hyrule, Catalia, Somalia, Termina, the Principality of Monaco, and East Timor all qualified to compete. The first round was between Hyrule and North Hyrule, Hyrule won for they have had more video games feature them as opposed to North Hyrule which only had one. The second round was between Somalia and Monaco, and Monaco won for they can afford to bribe the judges and the Somalians couldn't even pay for matching uniforms. The third round was between East Timor and Termina, and the Terminians won for East Timor was disqualified for it isn't even recognized as a country by The People's Republic of Cork yet.

The semi-finals was between Monaco and Termina, and the Monacons didn't even have to bribe anyone to win for the Terminans started panicking about the moon falling or something like that and lost their cool. Then came the final round, between Hyrule and Monaco. As we all now know Hyrule won the Multi-Dimensional Jeopardy Trophy, (just as they have done every 46,999 years previously) but what is the secret to their sucess? Well, Princess Zelda has the Triforce of Wisdom, and that has to count for something. Ganondorf Dragmire/Ganon Mandrag on the other hand simply threatens the opposing team that if they win he will nuke their tiny civilization right off the map. And finally we have Link, who is the best of them all, for he has lived through umpteen zillion games and survived every single background and theme music that they could throw at him. So therefore he is immune to the effects of the evil jeopardy theme song, so he never loses his cool.


Chickychicky
God is watching you, and boy did he have a laugh!

Vegetation

A quick count turns up exactly 69,105 leaves.

See also

Bouncywikilogo2
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Hyrule.


Personal tools
In other languages
projects