HowTo:Sexually Stimulate an Ant

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Being an ant keeper is tough: nobody knows what your job is[1], and the market for "ant honey" is less than lackluster. The main objective as an ant keeper is to find ways to keep your colony going and growing. There is nothing more rewarding than watching your little friends get it on like some kind of sick, giant, self-aware being that controls their existence.

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Morality of Ant Sex

As a Christian, I feel like I should warn you: before your ants have sex, make sure that they're married. It reduces the dignity of these 6-legged-dirt-eaters if they could just have sex whenever they want. Make sure that you have a ceremony with a registered minister for each pair you plan to mate.

Ant Sexology

Now remember, the females are the workers and the soldiers, and the males are the ones that fly around and breed every once in a while. Ant sex is a beautiful thing: First, the female chooses a male she finds attractive. Second, the male inserts his proboscis CENSORED!! OH DEAR LORD, CENSORED!! the fluid is completely green. Most Ant Sex manuals won't tell you the full story, so consider yourself lucky.[2]

Try Videotaping Them

Videotaping ants in the act requires that you make the males look as masculine as possible. The quality of the tape is not important: it's the fact that they know that they're being videotaped.

Get Them Excited

Nothing gets ants excited like running for their lives. Can't you see it now?

"That big giant pink sky god tried to fry us with a magnifying glass again!" The female ant says, taking off her coat as she comes in the door.
"Oh baby, that sounds rough!" The male says, landing in the nest.
The female, out of breath and panting, looks the male up and down... studying his handsome mandibles... and suddenly gets the "urge" to "merge."

Get Them Excited in a Slightly Illegal Way

It's true that fucking ants[3] could be considered against the law. Now, I'm not suggesting you do this...[4]

Ant Clothes

Fig. 1: Arachnid

Ants are nature's nudists[5], so lingerie and all that stuff is a tantalizing option for the little arachnids. You may be wondering at this point: "Why do I have to 'excite' ants? Aren't they going to do it naturally?" Well, they won't do it naturally if there's no mystery involved! If, every day, you can see millions of little private parts buzzing around! Ants are cute from far away, but up close... bleh! If humans looked like ants, we would want to wear clothes, too!

Please be careful when putting lingerie on the females or construction helmets on the males. Ants are very delicate.

"Hey honey, welcome ho- well WELL, what's THIS?" the male says after a day of breeding.
"The giant pink sky god put skimpy little underwear onto me!" the female says, stroking the side of the skimpy little underwear.
"Oh baby, I so want to NO! OH GOD, CENSORED! AAAHHHH! all across this room!" the male says, grabbing her sensually.
"That actually sounds kinda gross, Albert."


Before two ants get it on, make sure the lighting is just right. Put on some of that Barry Manilow the kids are always talking about. Have some scented candles lying around. Make sure your ant bed is nice and soft for the occasion: velvet works great for this. Afterwards, make sure you get rid of that filthy ant bed. Ants can be crazy kinky. They're inta' that.

"The great pink sky god sure has horrible taste in music," the female says, after a day of digging tunnels and whatever it is that ants do.
"No no no, just let the obnoxious sounds of Mr. Manilow take you to a place you've never imagined," the male says after a day of buzzing around and bothering people.
"...A place I've never even imagined?" the female asks inquisitively.
"A place where I can NO! PLEASE STOP! CENSOOOORED!!! all night loooong!"
"Oh Albert, you make ants having sex sound so romantic!"

Last Resort

If everything else fails, try Viagra. Be sure to squeeze the pill as far into the ant as you can without the ant actually popping. Ant erections lasting more than 3 days are exactly what you want.

"Albert, what is wrong with your MOMMY! MOOOOMMM-EEEEEE!?" the female says, eyeing the male's I'M SORRY MOMMA!!!!.
"I have no idea what's going on down-slash-up there. The giant pink sky god is playing a sexy trick on us!"
"I bet it wants us to mate."
"My thoughts exactly!"


  1. I keep ants.
  2. I got it all over my lucky shirt
  3. it's not rape if it's consensual
  4. I'm "not" suggesting you "do" "this" wink wink!
  5. along with bees
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