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Throughout history much has been said for the merits of hard work and determination. You believe in neither. You are a true American dreamer; a person who has actually gotten carpal tunnel syndrome from lottery scratch offs. Many times you've gotten that second instant win prize revealed only to not find the third... and lose once again.
A great man once said to take the path less traveled. Taking that path is a good plan, or at least the one we are concerned with. Still not sold on it? Let's do some math.
100 fellow students in your graduating class + 100 good jobs = 100 houses full of nice stuff
1 you (hopefully I mean you haven't been cloned have you?) + no job = one very empty basement at mom's house
As you can see you are in the minority here. So any path you take is definitely less traveled. Just because you have no future prospects is no need to not have nice stuff. If you don't want nice things go back to World of Warcraft you must have ended up here by mistake. On the other hand if you really want to improve your standing in life than please continue we are here for you.
So you've decided to steal stuff
Great you have what it takes. First you will have to get some things out of the way you cant go out like that. How long have you been wearing those underwear anyhow? Rest assured we are here to help.
Let's start with the "threads". Any Burglar worth his salts needs a uniform to wear. You need to truly dress the part. It will define you as a serious member of your newly adopted vocation. First pants, you do own some don't you? You will want to go dark with these, preferably black. No not the jeans too tight, you do know your size don't you? Think ninja, you want to move freely. It is key to survival. besides you have a culture to represent here. Do you want to look professional, or like 50 lbs of crap packed in a 10 lb bag? Outstanding, black sweat pants good choice. Yes the shorts are more comfortable but with those legs its a bad idea. This reminds me put a tanning bed on the list of things to jack. Now the perfect shirt equal parts comfort and functionality. A black shirt is best here. WTFa black hello kitty t-shirt, really? Lets butch it up a bit, besides if this endeavor goes south do you really want hello kitty in the mugshot? Let us continue, good black gloves, black shoes... Are we seeing a trend here? No, no need to go all black face here put down the make-up. It is a proven fact when reporting a break in most witnesses will automatically see a black suspect. Use this to your advantage go pasty.
Hold it, its still daylight. If you go out in that outfit you will get pinched for sure. Wait till the cover of night. Think Batman, only with out the bankroll. Kind of like a welfare dark knight, without the hero complex.
Time to get started
Good its nearly dark out. Is the adrenaline flowing through your veins yet? The idea that if you screw this up, you could be shot by an angry homeowner with a 100 year old shot gun used on safari in Kenya. Or, beaten to a pulp by disgruntled cops who you just pulled away from donuts and coffee. Yeah like they aren't high strung enough already. Worked up yet? No? Damn your a rock, fine try this. Pick up the computer keyboard. Place your hand on the table( be sure your pinky finger is extended away from the others). Raise keyboard high above your head. Take several deep breaths, feel the anxiety build up. More breaths this will hurt a lot. When i say a lot i mean a shitload. You may pass out. OK now in a downward motion with all your limited strength. Hit yourself in the balls.
Oh Shit. You really did it. I am very proud of you, now shake it off (the pain, not your balls). Okay, you now feel the rush of adrenaline in your system. Your system is at it height. it is time to pick your target. There are many options to choose from.
Well you just slept in puddle of vomit in the doorway of a crack house. This was a good call, no one would suspect a criminal mastermind in this place. Take a couple of minutes to shake off the hung over feeling. Now congrats you survived your first night of crime. Still hungry for the good life? No? What kind of screwed up loser are you? Run through that crack house yelling white power. Change your mind did you ?.... Good call, now we are ready for night two. Lets go for one of those Yuppie assholes in the suburbs of town. They always have nice shit. Also they tend to take long vacations. Go home and clean up first. See your mother doesn't even notice the stench of shit and puke. as far as she is concerned you shacked up with your date last night. She is thrilled you may have actually lost your virginity. Cheer up it will happen soon. Wow you really clean up well. And a new uniform very good it is like second nature now. You are the man! Lets go get our spoils. Nice choice look at that lawn. It had to take a gang of Mexicans hours to mow. Probably paid them next to nothing. Disgusting isn't it. Why when I think of it, Well lets just say its wrong. Why can't you take advantage of illegal aliens? because your not rich, but then that's why you are here isn't it. We will help you with that. Soon you'll have it all, and be well on your way to financial independence. Screw the wetbacks you will be too loaded to care. Time to get in. No, not the rock this time. Just walk in the front door. Its unlocked people in this neighborhood don't fear crime. Criminals never leave the hood. Their arrogance is your fortune. Well that was easy now make a break for the media room. holy shit! They have a theater in their house. There are enough DVDs to build a house out of. start bagging them up. See the bag is full run to the kitchen get a trash bag. Damn! These trash bags are so thick they are practically canvas. If your mom had these your neighbors dog when never even try to screw with them. lets get more stuff. The next room is the bedroom. This is where the money is. Stop for a second look at all that jewelry. Its like a store. You are so in there now. Stuff the bag. OK, time to go those damn sirens again. Wait put that bottle down. oh no you shit yourself! Pay attention, quit going for extra credit? No need to use that tactic here simply walk out the back door. See you are home free. Lets go home and tally up the loot. Nice haul lets sleep on it and figure out what to do with that jewelry tomorrow.
Finding a good fence
Back to the job at hand
Well that was a very good movie, and well worth what you paid for it. Your welcome, take a moment to pat yourself on the back. Are we feeling gangsta yet? Tonight we hit the neighbors house. Don't worry they just left with a car full of camping equipment. No chance of them returning anytime soon. for this job you will need a crow bar. Honestly look at your surroundings. The door is definitely locked. I mean in this place you will be lucky to hit the place before twenty or so other people get there. Security systems are not a problem, the fees for monitoring are way too expensive.
OK its night again you feel alive don't you. No need for a punch in the balls for you. You are amped. Ready to shop till you drop. For this job we will go to the back door. Look at it there's no light back here at all. Note: remember to change light at home. Place the crowbar in the door jam about where the door knob is. Get a good grip. Now pry it...... wow you are strong it just popped open with hardly any force at all. And look at all the wood splinters it looks like an elephant rammed it. In fact it looks like it was already broken. Don't bother looking for high end stuff here. They only have crap. OK, here is what you came for there in the corner that faint shadow. the one shaped like a man. raise your crowbar. Now swing, great hit. Now check his pockets. His wallet! Cool and there is at least three hundred bucks here. Lets see what he has in his sack. A bag full of toys. What a nerd. No, leave them there. You are no longer a child you are a burglar, and one murder into a career as a serial killer. Don't look at me like that. Of course he's dead your crowbar is still stuck in his head. In case you missed biology class in high school its just not natural. Lets go home we just made fifty bucks. You look puzzled... the $250 is our fee for keeping your crime quiet. Don't dwell on it just carry on, and get some sleep tomorrow, is the advanced class.
Ooh night four you are almost there. After this you will simply repeat as necessary. For our final night i have chosen a gang hideout. Hello? Hello? Comeback here you need this experience. It will hone your skills to a razor sharp edge. First go to a all night department store. We need the most realistic cap gun you can find. No Duke Nukem you can't get the pink ray gun. You need to go for fear. OK that cowboy gun will do. You don't need a real gun as you couldn't hit a garbage bag if you were sealed in it. Don't take it personal many people can't shoot(cops, the blind, your dead grandfather etc.). We need a new uniform for this job. Go with the dress. Brothers love white girls, and they aren't real picky. You will really have to put on a good act here. Don't be afraid to go down on the guy at the door. After all you may once again need this experience if it all goes south. that's really funny you have to go south....... Anyhow where were we. Oh damn you just blew that guy! Didn't put up an argument did you? Quit smiling! On with the caper. Your in now look for the loot. All respectable gangs have some sort of counting room. There it is the mother load. Stacks of cash! Start stuffing your dress. As much as you can get. Now run out into the street. Don't look now but they are right on your back. You are so screwed. Quick, yell rape. Fifteen black men and a white girl yelling rape, the cops will soon be there to help...
Now you are saved and only after taking a mildly severe beating. Be prepared to go to jail, as soon as the cops finish laughing at you. Don't look so surprised you are a severely beaten computer geek in drag. Lets just pray Your fellow inmates don't see these mugshots.
Now that you're locked up
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