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Throughout history much has been said for the merits of hard work and determination. You believe in neither. You are a true American dreamer; a person who has actually gotten carpal tunnel syndrome from lottery scratch offs. Many times you've gotten that second instant win prize revealed only to not find the third... and lose once again.
A great man once said to take the path less traveled. Taking that path is a good plan, or at least the one we are concerned with. Still not sold on it? Let's do some math.
100 fellow students in your graduating class + 100 good jobs = 100 houses full of nice stuff
1 you (hopefully I mean you haven't been cloned have you?) + no job = one very empty basement at mom's house
As you can see you are in the minority here. So any path you take is definitely less traveled. Just because you have no future prospects is no need to not have nice stuff. If you don't want nice things go back to World of Warcraft you must have ended up here by mistake. On the other hand if you really want to improve your standing in life than please continue we are here for you.
So you've decided to steal stuff
Great you have what it takes. First you will have to get some things out of the way you cant go out like that. How long have you been wearing those underwear anyhow? Rest assured we are here to help.
Let's start with the "threads". Any Burglar worth his salts needs a uniform to wear. You need to truly dress the part. It will define you as a serious member of your newly adopted vocation. First pants, you do own some don't you? You will want to go dark with these, preferably black. No not the jeans too tight, you do know your size don't you? Think ninja, you want to move freely. It is key to survival. besides you have a culture to represent here. Do you want to look professional, or like 50 lbs of crap packed in a 10 lb bag? Outstanding, black sweat pants good choice. Yes the shorts are more comfortable but with those legs its a bad idea. This reminds me put a tanning bed on the list of things to jack. Now the perfect shirt equal parts comfort and functionality. A black shirt is best here. WTFa black hello kitty t-shirt, really? Lets butch it up a bit, besides if this endeavor goes south do you really want hello kitty in the mugshot? Let us continue, good black gloves, black shoes... Are we seeing a trend here? No, no need to go all black face here put down the make-up. It is a proven fact when reporting a break in most witnesses will automatically see a black suspect. Use this to your advantage go pasty.
ToolsNow is a good time to pick your arsenal. You will need to follow this closely, extra stuff here equals less things you can appropriate. A good sturdy loot bag is key to your success. Lets see..... that old military duffel is perfect. You know, the one your grandfather had in WWII. So what if it has his name on it, he has been dead for years. In worse case scenario you drop it and the cops are baffled when the main suspect passed away years ago. It will never get back to you. A good screw driver or two would also be great here. It would also be a good idea to sharpen one of them in case you have to stab a guard. Oh don't get squeamish now your a criminal. Besides once again if it all goes south, you could use the experience. By the looks of you, power tools are out. let's just use that basement floor. This will aid you in prison when you will use this same technique on a toothbrush. Also, a large bottle of liquor would be nice. This tool is very important, as you will need it later. Last but not least remember to eat a large meal a few hour before you go out. No need to go out on an empty stomach. You are now well on your way to be a criminal mastermind. Lets go shopping.
Hold it, its still daylight. If you go out in that outfit you will get pinched for sure. Wait till the cover of night. Think Batman, only with out the bankroll. Kind of like a welfare dark knight, without the hero complex.
Time to get started
Good its nearly dark out. Is the adrenaline flowing through your veins yet? The idea that if you screw this up, you could be shot by an angry homeowner with a 100 year old shot gun used on safari in Kenya. Or, beaten to a pulp by disgruntled cops who you just pulled away from donuts and coffee. Yeah like they aren't high strung enough already. Worked up yet? No? Damn your a rock, fine try this. Pick up the computer keyboard. Place your hand on the table( be sure your pinky finger is extended away from the others). Raise keyboard high above your head. Take several deep breaths, feel the anxiety build up. More breaths this will hurt a lot. When i say a lot i mean a shitload. You may pass out. OK now in a downward motion with all your limited strength. Hit yourself in the balls.
Oh Shit. You really did it. I am very proud of you, now shake it off (the pain, not your balls). Okay, you now feel the rush of adrenaline in your system. Your system is at it height. it is time to pick your target. There are many options to choose from.
Night 1For your first night we will go with the most deserted target. A department store, not a 24 hour mega store just a small mom and pop joint. You will want to familiarize yourself with the merchandise first. We'll stick to a sale catalog, no need to take an extra trip casing the joint. Ah that's the ticket, a top of the line laptop. Complete with all the bells and whistles (that girl from down the street will be all over you). Wipe the drool off focus please! OK throw in an iPod, flat screen TV, and a few other goodies. You now have a respectable shopping list. Let's head out. What your grounded? Damn it man, your like what "30"? OK,OK settle down. Tell mom you have a date. See, look a that glimmer in her eye. She is so over whelmed with happiness. Just the prospect of you being straight, she can only say yes.What? And she through in a ride too? You are an quick learner. Now you are in front of the store. It goes without saying that you lack the skill to pick the lock, so we will go with the old rock in the window approach. Be sure to pick a rock about the size of a brick, after all your not exactly He-Man. That one will do, get a feel for it now. Hurl the rock at the big display window. Good job, that was frigging loud. Now you are in, no going back now. Hurry and get to the good stuff. Imagine you are in a shopping spree, grab only the good stuff. put the collectible action figures back, couldn't resist could you geek. Stick to the high end electronics. Wait is that a siren. Don't panic I'm here to help. This was a contingency that was planned for. quickly take out the bottle of liquor. Chug it. Yes i know mommy will get pissed if she finds out. Be a man kill that bottle now. There that's better now act drunk use the screwdriver to rip up your clothing. they are in the store now, time to act drunk. wait you are drunk(you really are a chump aren't you.)good lay on the floor. The officer is right on you now, quick try to fart. Try harder! Very good you just shit yourself. There is no way he'll take you in now. As soon as he escorts you into the alley barf on your self. Good job you are a criminal prodigy. Now stagger away into the night.
Well you just slept in puddle of vomit in the doorway of a crack house. This was a good call, no one would suspect a criminal mastermind in this place. Take a couple of minutes to shake off the hung over feeling. Now congrats you survived your first night of crime. Still hungry for the good life? No? What kind of screwed up loser are you? Run through that crack house yelling white power. Change your mind did you ?.... Good call, now we are ready for night two. Lets go for one of those Yuppie assholes in the suburbs of town. They always have nice shit. Also they tend to take long vacations. Go home and clean up first. See your mother doesn't even notice the stench of shit and puke. as far as she is concerned you shacked up with your date last night. She is thrilled you may have actually lost your virginity. Cheer up it will happen soon. Wow you really clean up well. And a new uniform very good it is like second nature now. You are the man! Lets go get our spoils. Nice choice look at that lawn. It had to take a gang of Mexicans hours to mow. Probably paid them next to nothing. Disgusting isn't it. Why when I think of it, Well lets just say its wrong. Why can't you take advantage of illegal aliens? because your not rich, but then that's why you are here isn't it. We will help you with that. Soon you'll have it all, and be well on your way to financial independence. Screw the wetbacks you will be too loaded to care. Time to get in. No, not the rock this time. Just walk in the front door. Its unlocked people in this neighborhood don't fear crime. Criminals never leave the hood. Their arrogance is your fortune. Well that was easy now make a break for the media room. holy shit! They have a theater in their house. There are enough DVDs to build a house out of. start bagging them up. See the bag is full run to the kitchen get a trash bag. Damn! These trash bags are so thick they are practically canvas. If your mom had these your neighbors dog when never even try to screw with them. lets get more stuff. The next room is the bedroom. This is where the money is. Stop for a second look at all that jewelry. Its like a store. You are so in there now. Stuff the bag. OK, time to go those damn sirens again. Wait put that bottle down. oh no you shit yourself! Pay attention, quit going for extra credit? No need to use that tactic here simply walk out the back door. See you are home free. Lets go home and tally up the loot. Nice haul lets sleep on it and figure out what to do with that jewelry tomorrow.
Finding a good fenceThere is no easy way to go about this. Most pawn shops require the seller to provide I.D. in order to establish a paper trail back to thieves. They are governed by laws that protect the victims of crime. We don't need one of those. First go to the bad side of town. The real bad side, "The Ghetto". Once you find a good shop go inside. Hey inside..... look friend step away from the hooker! This is not how to get laid, besides look at her. No REALLY look at her. She looks like her pimp is having a "Scratch And Dent Sale". Do you really want gonorrhea? Didn't think so. Look at the guy behind the counter. Give a sinister gaze. Are you going to shit again? A little less intense. Ask him hypothetically if he buys really warm items. This is key, saying hot items throws up a red flag. Give him a minute to realize your too gay looking to be a cop. There see his silence says it all. He's no longer smiling, you are so in. Wait patiently as he locks the front door so to handle this transaction in secret. Now dump out your booty.Jesus Fucking Christ! The jewelry! The jewelry! That's better, now let him ponder the great riches he is about to give up. Look at the size of that roll of cash he pulled out of his pocket. What twenty bucks? What horseshit there is at least a hundred grand in stones there. Tell him to piss off. Hold on he going for the big bills. They keep them under the counter. Pawn shop etiquette 101: never settle on the first offer. They will always haggle with you, after all you are the ruler of your destination....... Don't look now he pulled out a shot gun. Don't run the door is locked besides the spread on that model will cover most of the store front. Take a moment to admire his choice in weapons. He's a pro in his field as well. Aspire to be him. take the twenty bucks you have won. After all, you were broke a min ago. Only a couple thousand more jobs and you will be a millionaire. Besides we now have a good standing in this establishment. He is your Fence. Go home and watch a DVD.
Back to the job at hand
Well that was a very good movie, and well worth what you paid for it. Your welcome, take a moment to pat yourself on the back. Are we feeling gangsta yet? Tonight we hit the neighbors house. Don't worry they just left with a car full of camping equipment. No chance of them returning anytime soon. for this job you will need a crow bar. Honestly look at your surroundings. The door is definitely locked. I mean in this place you will be lucky to hit the place before twenty or so other people get there. Security systems are not a problem, the fees for monitoring are way too expensive.
OK its night again you feel alive don't you. No need for a punch in the balls for you. You are amped. Ready to shop till you drop. For this job we will go to the back door. Look at it there's no light back here at all. Note: remember to change light at home. Place the crowbar in the door jam about where the door knob is. Get a good grip. Now pry it...... wow you are strong it just popped open with hardly any force at all. And look at all the wood splinters it looks like an elephant rammed it. In fact it looks like it was already broken. Don't bother looking for high end stuff here. They only have crap. OK, here is what you came for there in the corner that faint shadow. the one shaped like a man. raise your crowbar. Now swing, great hit. Now check his pockets. His wallet! Cool and there is at least three hundred bucks here. Lets see what he has in his sack. A bag full of toys. What a nerd. No, leave them there. You are no longer a child you are a burglar, and one murder into a career as a serial killer. Don't look at me like that. Of course he's dead your crowbar is still stuck in his head. In case you missed biology class in high school its just not natural. Lets go home we just made fifty bucks. You look puzzled... the $250 is our fee for keeping your crime quiet. Don't dwell on it just carry on, and get some sleep tomorrow, is the advanced class.
Ooh night four you are almost there. After this you will simply repeat as necessary. For our final night i have chosen a gang hideout. Hello? Hello? Comeback here you need this experience. It will hone your skills to a razor sharp edge. First go to a all night department store. We need the most realistic cap gun you can find. No Duke Nukem you can't get the pink ray gun. You need to go for fear. OK that cowboy gun will do. You don't need a real gun as you couldn't hit a garbage bag if you were sealed in it. Don't take it personal many people can't shoot(cops, the blind, your dead grandfather etc.). We need a new uniform for this job. Go with the dress. Brothers love white girls, and they aren't real picky. You will really have to put on a good act here. Don't be afraid to go down on the guy at the door. After all you may once again need this experience if it all goes south. that's really funny you have to go south....... Anyhow where were we. Oh damn you just blew that guy! Didn't put up an argument did you? Quit smiling! On with the caper. Your in now look for the loot. All respectable gangs have some sort of counting room. There it is the mother load. Stacks of cash! Start stuffing your dress. As much as you can get. Now run out into the street. Don't look now but they are right on your back. You are so screwed. Quick, yell rape. Fifteen black men and a white girl yelling rape, the cops will soon be there to help...
Now you are saved and only after taking a mildly severe beating. Be prepared to go to jail, as soon as the cops finish laughing at you. Don't look so surprised you are a severely beaten computer geek in drag. Lets just pray Your fellow inmates don't see these mugshots.
Now that you're locked upWell we are away from those angry gang members. You also no longer live under mom's roof. You finally have your own place, well almost; once again your electronic friends have you back. Unless you already have a tough sounding prison nickname, you will need to remember that toothbrush sharpening practice. It's about to pay off. Take a second to prepare your shiv. The sharpened tooth brush stick with me now. Introduce yourself to your cellmate shake hands. Now stab him in the neck repeatedly. Now scream bloody murder. No don't yell rape I mean look where you are it will not get attention. Just yell loudly. Great you got the guards attention soon they will put you in solitary. See now this is the life. You are the king of your domain. Did you really think a good nickname would help you? You were screwed for sure. What? You were screwed? Well your welcome you are no longer a virgin. You are also a man. What more could you ask. Besides everything you get now is provided for you by the state. It's a win, win situation isn't it. Once again your welcome.
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