Hardee's

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“FUCK YOU! I'm eating! ”
~ The typical patron on Carl's Jr
“That's hot.”
~ Paris Hilton on Carl's Jr
“FUCK ALL OF YOU! I'm eating!”
~ Sonic the Hedgehog on Hardee's

Hardee's is a popular fast food restaurant whose name comes from the nickname doctors use to describe the arteries of people who eat there. People on the West Coast can get the same cholesterol-and-culture-rich food through its sibling, Carl's Jr.

HardleeALogo

Much of Hardee's success can be attributed to its thoughtful slogans and tasteful ad campaigns.


History

Hardee's is a fast food franchise that began in Charlotte, North Carolina. For some unexplainable reason, the franchise has always struggled to make ends meet. Throughout the years they have sold hamburgers, milkshake, fries, heroin, fried chicken and all sorts of fast food. They have almost gone out of business several times and have also gone through many name changes. First they were "Burger Chef"; out west, "Carl's Jr." The business was founded by Ma and Paw Hardee, also known as Marjorie Hardee and Percy Hardee.

Shortly after their restaurant's founding, they made an educated decision and joined the Republican Party, where they learned the relative merits of supply-side economics from Wal-Mart executives and Wall Street stockbrokers. Two years later, the couple decided to give the American people what they really wanted; 2,000 calories packed into a single burger.

Spokespeople

Anus burger

The new Anus Thickburger is now in New Australia for 4990 yen!

After trying every type of marketing possible (even using Rednecks in commercials and attracting foot fetishists with holiday cups), Hardee's gave up and hired Tonya Harding as marketing director and the official spokesperson simply because she ate there often. Using her brilliant business antics, she had Ronald McDonald whacked in the kneecap IRA style which helped Hardee's sell even more food, and caused McDonald's to lose billions. This lead to a civil war between McDonald's and Hardee's that continues even to this day.

Hardee's later hired Paris Hilton as a spokesperson because, as the heiress would later many times casually remark, "That's hot!". Without the Golden Arches in their way, Marketing was able to afford TV commercials again, getting them out of print-ad purgatory. Unfortunately, they wasted this budget doing television spots about the scandalous indecency of teachers and the scientific fact that chicken anatomy lacks the 'nugget'. Luckily, Paris agreed to help Hardee's promote their new Anus thickburger free of charge, provided she didn't have to eat one.

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Hardee's.

Products

Ma and Paw Hardee wanted only the best food to help support the American Dream. Their vision: make everyone fat so they all could be rich and keep buying food from Hardee's.

CarlsJrBigBurgerAd

As the casual observer can plainly see, Carl's Jr. markets its products in subtle ways. Its marketing department is among the most inventive in the world.

59-cent hamburgers, 79-cent French fries, and 99-cent milkshakes dominated the original menu. This pleased most customers but the small portions did not fit in well with Middle America and the God-Fearing Republicans who lived therein. So, in an effort to win over the African-American demographic, they attempted fried chicken and other southern soul food, but since it did not contain enough lard, they were forced to replace it once more with the Anus thickburgers. To their chagrin, Burger King had very recently done the same thing, having developed their own anus burger. This made Hardee's angry and upset. How could they top a single patty anus burger from a competitor? They needed something so ridiculously fattening that it could clog arteries and cause strokes and heart attacks instantly. Elsewise, people would start complaining about the obvious lack of quality.

Exasperated, they decided to place as many as two or three patties on a single Anus thickburger! That's an entire pound of quality Anus meat! The idea worked so well most regular customers gained 25 pounds in less than one week. The new Anus burger almost cured world hunger and ended world poverty. Due to added savings, everyone in the entire world was able to buy up to fifteen Anus thickburgers per day, and Hardee's was finally able to turn out a larger profit margin.

Health Concerns

Mispelling poster

Hardee's Anus Thickburgers: Think Thick Tonight! Or today, perhaps.

Due to the excessive amount of sauce, razorblades, fat, cookies, and lettuce-borne bacteria, the average life expectancy of a Hardee's/Carl's Jr. regular customer is typically 1-4 years beyond first ingestion (these figures take into account customers on the regular menu only - orders of seasonal items die earlier on the whole). However, in 2001, almost all of the their frequent customers died suddenly due to a contaminated cattle anus shipment from France. Apparently a worker forgot to spray down with a waterjet the cows' hindquarters and consequently, fecal matter remained on their ample beefy holes. Sure that the anomaly was just one of Carl's Jr's new and ever-exciting sauces, USDA inspectors passed the tainted beef.

However, the fast food joint recoiled quickly. In fact, just 4 days after their consumer tragedy, they launched their "6 Dollar SauceBurger", which was essentially two buns and several economy-size ladels full of sauce. It is historically marked as the only time in recorded history that a national chain had rolled out a new menu item without shipping any new ingredients. Coincidentally, industry analysts suspect that Hane's T-shirt sales rose over 350% within one week of the new item's release.

Hardee's Obama Scandal

apparently one day President Obama visited a Hardee's in D.C. to try the new ew economicaly friendly chef burger. though he was against Hardee's for causing the obesity epidemic to increase, but came out with the truth. He said that he was not a liberal and strongly supported corruption such as Blgoiovich trying to sell his open seat said he ran as a democrat because sadfully we live in a foolish liberal country were the people can't take care of themself worth a damn and always bitching about something. As the media got word of this they did not report it because they did not want the nation to know the truth about the media supporting liberalism and Obama supporting the Republicans.

See Also

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