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This is not a Grue.

For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Grue (monster).

This is, however. OMG, RUN!!!!!

“I'm going to fucking bury that guy. I have done it before, and I will do it again. I'm going to fucking kill the shit out of that grue.”
~ Steve Ballmer on Grue

“If you're close enough to photograph a grue, all you'll see is a stupid question like "[BEGIN, RESTORE OR QUIT?]"”

Murphy's Law

“Every time I have sex with a grizzly bear, God kills a Grue.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Grue

A grue (Monsteromicius ravenousi) is a box-shaped gap-toothed mammal known for eating discarded detergent bottles and humans, though more recently they have been known to kill certain lone wolves, construction workers, and possibly a gerbil or two. Grues are often seen roaming the wilderness in herds, whistling old-timey Irish pub songs, working on crossword puzzles, and calculating the amount of back taxes owed by car salesmen. The likelihood of being eaten by a grue is probably non-zero. Grue cannot be killed with guns, nukes, lasers, the Pope, Jesus, Satan, Vishnu, lemons, croissants, dubs, scented candles, chocolate cake, dentists, chandeleieirs, Karl Marx, Ben Affleck, the IRS, blackjack dealers, swords, axes, lollpops, Dick Cheney, Trix, pretzels, lances, ninjas, pirates, ninja-pirates, Tony Blair, SpongeBob SquarePants, Hummer H2s, 50 Cent, porn, or cheesy poofs. Attempting to use any above in Grue-slaying will result in you being eaten by the grue, or raped viciously and frequently by Mother Theresa.


This is how most Grues look in the half-second before they eat you.

The only known weapon effective against a grue is extreme sarcasm. This in itself is almost as dangerous as a Grue.

It is widely believed that all emeralds are grues, but in fact, all emeralds are bleen.

There are an estimated 47 grue left in the United States today due to the Grue conservation program - luckily all grue are kept under heavy rocks, or locked away in biker bars. Although there have been over fifty grue sightings in Albania, most leading experts (but not all) agree that this is probably due to a large Grue migration rather than a wide-spread and hilarious hoax. The only trained Grue Officer in America is one C. Arthur Malstoks-On-The-Wind - he enjoys Graham Crackers (Tm),and The Discovery Channel+1, but, oddly enough, not The Discovery Channel.

The game of Zork consists entirely of being repeatedly eaten by a Grue.

Cecil is believed to be one of the only people to have survived a Grue attack whilst competing in the 1938 World Judo Championships.


Natural Habitat

File:Grue Habitat.png

Grues can be found in all the dark places of the world, your mom's cooter, for example. they also have been found in gowandaland. It is belived that they originally lived on the second moon of Earth, named Grue, before video game companies rounded them up and sold them.

Grue Subspecies

There is one subspecies of grue. The rare Russian Grue can be killed by almost anything, and is common prey for oxen, weeds, cow tongues, sand castles, and lawyers.

“In Soviet Russia, Grue is likely to be eaten by you!”
~ Grue on Oscar Wilde

A grue is also a type of glue used exclusively in Japan, occasionally used as a lubrication for masturbation. Not only the Japanese use it however, everyone does. A grue is the main material of K & Y.

How to Deal With a Grue

Attack of the tarsier

While not as square or deadly as their adult counterparts, baby Grues should never be handled.

  • Die.
  • Scream and die.
  • Scream, shit yourself, struggle, and die.
  • Scream, shit yourself, struggle, and die a horrific death.
  • Run, scream, shit yourself, struggle, and die a horrific death.
  • Run, scream, shit yourself, struggle,look at a picture of Michael Jackson, and die a horrific death.
  • Pray to Jesus. Probably it wont work, so you can then run, scream, shit yourself, struggle, and die a horrific death.
  • Pray to Allah. However, Grues are crusaders against Islam, so you will only shorten your life, and be eaten.
  • Recite every line of Moby Dick in Italian. Grues love the Italian language, so it will subdue them for awhile. Of course when you are done reading, the grue will still eat you.
  • Sing one of Michael Bolton's classic songs. Grues hate Michael Bolton. Of course they will still eat you, but you can have the satisfaction of having irritated a grue.
  • Drink a glass of milk; 2.6% of grue are lactose intolerant.
  • Use extreme sarcasm.
  • Build a sandcastle. It wont help at all, and you will be eaten, but it is a fun activity.
  • An example of how to deal with Grues is shown here.

Some people recommend turning on the lights, as according to the legend this will cause the grue to 'melt away'. Clearly this course of action is futile and should not be undertaken by any means. For a start, it is logically impossible for a creature to 'melt away' on exposure to light, notwithstanding the Great Ice Creature of Neptune VII.

Further, as shown by Darwin, only mutated Grues which can survive light will survive, and eventually only these mutant Grues will be left, thus leaving the human populace with no weaponry to take them down.

Sacrifice yourself to a Grue today so your children can melt them tomorrow!

It is a little known fact that Grues like hearing haikus. Therefore reciting a haiku to a grue will extend your life by 17 syllables.

Could a Grue Totally Kick Jesus' Ass?

A much-debated question, naturally. The answer, of course, is yes. While Original Jesus was a total insurrectionist and loved a good fight, Regular Jesus is a complete pacifist and would totally be eaten (assuming the Grue had made a confession first, of course). Chances are he would simply teleport out of the Grue's stomach, laugh, and walk across a large body of water, leaving the Grue to eat a hapless traveler. In any case, Jesus is one with the Force, so it is a pointless question. If we're talking about Ultimate Jesus, well that's a whole different story.

Seriously, Could a Grue Totally Kick Jesus' Ass?

No. Jesus didn't have an ass because God created him, just like how those Adam and Eve geezers didn't have belly-buttons or nipples.

See Also

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