God

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{{Whoops|Chiyo Mihama}}
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[[Image:HelixNebula.JPG|270px|thumb|God is watching your team lose. He's gonna send somebody around to collect later.]]
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{{Q|God is dead.|[[Nietzsche]]|God, 1882}}
[[Image:HelixNebula.JPG|270px|thumb|<big><big><big>[[wikipedia:Eye_of_God|GOD IS WATCHING YOU!]]</big></big></big>]]
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{{Q|You bet He is!|[[Satan]]|God, 1886}}
'''God''' (A.K.A. '''Notorious G.O.D.''') is. Now that we've gotten past that, and ignoring the wisdom in [[How_to_be_funny_and_not_just_stupid|the article we all should have read]], [[Idiots|we]] think atheists are the son of [[Yaoi|lesbian dragons]] and a fictional character in [[Fox News|Fox]]'s longest-running soap opera, [[Bible|The Holy Bible]]. That's why they hate God. Unfortunately, in order to spice up the sometimes dull story, the editors re-cut the footage to make atheists look like total assholes. [[Richard Dawkins|Richie]] was elected to be our god for the fifth year running this year, because humans choose who god is going to be. Nobody made us, and we'll prove it. [[Ray Comfort|Bananaman]] barely beat the Egyptian sun god Ra, Stephen Colbert, Green Day, Omnipotent [[Odin]], and the Almighty [[Zeus]] (still recovering from alcoholism). Then the Mike Gravel of the election was Xenu and the Fascientologist Party. [[Dog]] is "god" spelled backwards. It has not been widely reported, but a majority of the most prominent leaders among dogs proclaim that this is a good reason for them to be anti-powerful on earth. It's just a matter of reversal, that's all. As of the 3rd Qtr of 2005, the [[Nazi Party]] claimed the largest share of ownership of the idea that God doesn't exist. It should be noted that the idea of God has been under the investigation of the [[SEC]] several times, because of the attempted claiming of two dependents, a supposed "Holy Spirit" and a "Son", who have never been seen by authorities. However, God has made the argument that as they exist on the same plane as himself, he can list them as dependents if he "damn well pleases".
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{{Q|Nietzsche is dead. Guess who won that bet?|God|Nietzsche, 1900}}
God is also the father of [[Jesus]] (born Jesusathan John-Madonna), the famous actor who made many cameos in [[South Park]] and made a brief appearance in year 0 for a red-carpet appearance for SPEECH ON THE MOUNTAIN: THE MOVIE where he was brutally murdered by rampaging Romans. His co-star, Judas, famously masqueraded as a Roman to get away safely. Jesus' fan club never forgave him.
 
God is said to have been one of the founders of [[HooplaNet]].
 
   
NB. '''God''', the sentient embodiment of love forgiveness,kindness and touching people on the bottom '''in a friendly way''', should not be confused with the [[Wal Mart|American deity]] '''[[Gahd]]''', who is the sentient embodiment of war, the right to shoot Mexicans and the organised hatred of homosexuals.
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'''God''' (who also goes by the aliases '''Yahweh''', '''Allah''' and '''Jehovah''' to evade debt collectors) is the supreme Holy Lord. He is perhaps best known for creating all of existence, with the exception of Himself, [[Unicorn|unicorns]], the [[Loch Ness Monster]], [[Big Foot]], and [[Cake|Devil's food cake]]. He is burdened with the unfathomable responsibility of sustaining the vital equilibria that allow life to continue, such as answering prayers, starting wars, ending wars and making stars twinkle. Despite this responsibility, God Himself shoehorns these important tasks into the corner whenever an important sports game or horse race is on, as He is the universe's most notorious compulsive gambler.
   
[[Image:The Garden of Eden!! Oh, wait....no it isn't.......PNG|thumb|right|300px|After Adam and Eve pissed God off, he has hidden the garden of Eden. No one has ever found it since. Ever.]]
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==The First Bet and Creation of the Universe==
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Just before Creation, on the night preceding 23 October 4004 B.C., God was sitting at a non-existent table playing a non-existent game of [[Poker|poker]] with several other non-existent deities. After losing a bundle in the [[UnScripts:Who built the moon‎|Celestial Poker Game]], [[Satan]], aka the [[Devil]] aka Monty, bet God that He (God) couldn't gather more souls than he (Satan) could. God, being a notorious gambler, instantly took the bet, and the deal was done. According to an account by Archbishop James Ussher, 17th century [[Ape|Primate of All Ireland]], this was widely thought to be a "sucker's bet" as there were no souls to be had. The best God could do would be a tie (0 souls to 0 souls), which by the nature of the bet would mean a loss for Him. But the inveterate gambler God went to work creating a universe in which said souls could exist and be gathered.
   
==Early Life==
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In just six days, God created the heaven and the earth, sun and moon, stars, puppies, kittens, death cap mushrooms and [[Creationism|fake dinosaur bones]]. On the seventh day, God rested in order to watch [[football]] as He had a tenner on the big game. Satan, on the other hand, got busy collecting souls. This is why Satan still leads the bet to this day, and why sports teams never pray to him. It's also why Godly people never capitalize his pronouns.
God has always existed. He was never born. Even before pre-existense existed. [[Image:Mr._janitor.jpg|thumb|God made the guy who drew this fish janitor for SBSP]]
 
   
== Present Activities ==
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==The First People: Adam & Eve==
God is alive and well and without him all of your atoms would burst like you got in a tuffle with [[Jean Gray|Dark Phoenix]].
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[[Image:Durer_Adam_and_Eve_s.jpg|thumb|left|Adam and his sister-mate Eve. From the 16th century ''The Cover-Up'' by [[Albrecht Durer]].]]
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God created the first man [[Adam]] from the dust of the ground mixed with God's spittle, and placed him in a [[magical]] [[Garden of Eden|garden in Eden]], [[Nevada]] (now known as [[Las Vegas|Las Vegas, Nevada]]). Satan hedged his bet by making a woman, telling God "prancing about a garden all day gets kind of boring." But God discovered [[Lilith]] was soulless, so He denied her existence, kicked her out of the Garden, and made [[Eve]].
   
==Quick Guide to God==
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God then bet Satan that he couldn't get Adam and his sex-changed cloned sister Eve to eat the [[Apple|fruit]] of the tree of knowledge. To protect His bet, God had previously told Adam, "thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die." (Gen. 2:17). This became known as the First Divine Lie.
[[Image:Pat_Robertson_as_God.jpg|thumb|right|[[Pat Robertson]] is the [[televangelist|voice]] of God. But don't take our word for it—ask [[Pat Robertson|it]] yourself!]]
 
God is love, and watches over each and every human being on [[Earth]] to make sure he or she has a [[happy]], successful life. He's like your butler in the sky, there to serve your every whim. It's all about you. Unfortunately, God's Earth-shattering powers of supreme might are easily thwarted by people not believing in Him, so here I go! *Hmmmph! Hmmmph!!!* There now he doesn't exist, can't send me to hell (said the osterich with his head in the sand), and won't decide who wins the [[Super Bowl]] (much more important to me than God's glory).
 
[[Image:Divine_retribution.jpg|thumb|left|God enjoys declaring random bits of land to be Holy Ground, and will smite any who walk on it without taking their hats off and making a donation. Unfortunately, this leaves a bit of a mess for the janitors.]]
 
   
God has been known to use his Earth-shattering powers of supreme might in the past, in huge demonstrations of how much He loves each and every person. Some examples are documented carefully in the [[Bible]]. Examples include: [[The Great Flood|Flooding the world]], [[Sodomy|burning cities]] to the ground, and [[Bubonic Plague|causing plagues]], [[famine]], and swarms of [[locust]]s to attack people. Because [[Idiots|we]] know better than he does, we're in a position to judge him, and he's our cosmic butler to do our bidding. He's not butler-ing good enough for [[Idiots|me!]] [[Fool|I]] will continue to reject his rule. [[Fool|I've]] decided he doesn't exist, so don't go telling me it's alright for him to judge his very own creation. It's not like he made it or something.
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Satan, on the other hand, told the [[Nudism|always-naked]] siblings the naked Truth. He said, "Ye shall not surely die: For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil." (Gen. 3:4-5). At the prospect of becoming gods, the naked Adam and Eve could no longer suppress their primal urges. They started eating the fruit like vicious wild animals. This became known as the First Dinner Party.
   
In one of the earliest documented cases of [[Multiple Personality Disorder]], God, although one single entity, is actually three different things at the same time. God is composed of The Father, The Holy Spirit, and The Son- or Jesus-. God was not always composed of Jesus however, He just decided one day to include Him, then send Him down to Earth to get around His own "wages of sin = death" rule, because God of course is not capable of '''breaking His OWN RULES''', is he? Yep, they're rules he arbitrarily made up. They don't stem from his very character and nature, he just made them up for the whim of it. Either that or [[Fool|I]] don't understand what perfection is, therefore god can't exist. The [[second law of thermodynamics]] is that chaos goes to order, right?
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God was so furious at losing the bet, He blasted the garden into desert. Still furious, He ripped off Satan's arms and legs. But Satan survived, saying, "It's only a flesh wound." Satan slithered off, becoming the first [[Snake|serpent]] and gaining the nickname "[[Monty Python]]." Because of His actions, God became the first [[Mafia|Crime Boss]].
   
God likes people to worship and sing to Him, especially in kind of [[gibberish]] known to [[linguistics|linguists]] as [[glossolalia]] and known to worshippers of God as "speaking in tongues". A rather dubious gift of the [[Holy Spirit]], this is an apt phrase, as many people have died due to their singing getting so messed up with their tongues trying to articulate God-inspired gobberish that they have ended up choking. The best way to worship God is to pray for stuff you want, especially by letting you win the lottery. Asking for a new car, a new house, or for your ex-boyfriend to die are completely acceptable things to pray for. God hears all prayers and does His best to fulfill all of them; a bit like [[Santa]] at Christmas, just all year around, every day all day.
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Having eaten from the tree of knowledge, Adam and Eve became aware of certain things. For one thing, they noticed that the genitals God had given them were "fucking ugly." They promptly used fig leaves to cover up. They also discovered that God had already created humans in Genesis 1, so they weren't really the first people after all. Upon pointing this out to God, they were promptly banished from the Garden forever "for being smart-arses." God gave them rabbit skin coats as a parting gift, and sent them to [[New Jersey]].
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The brother and sister didn't die that day as God had said, but lived for hundreds of years. Following Satan's promise, they declared themselves [[Donald Trump|God]] and [[Eris Discordia|Goddess]]. They founded [[Atlantic City]], created [[Mormon|the Mormon religion]], moved to [[Utah]], practiced group marriage with their offspring and beget like, well, [[Rabbit|rabbits]]. This became known as [[Polygamy|polygamy]] and [[Incest|incest]]. In their spare time, they founded [[civilization]]. This became known as a mistake.
   
Because God is pure [[love]], anyone, even a good person, who doesn't believe in Him in exactly the right way is forced into eternal suffering in [[Hell]]. So far in history, only five people have gotten their theology exactly correct. However, evil, selfish people can believe in God and get into Heaven because God loves them. God loves everybody equally, He even loves the people He has condemned to burn forever.
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But God didn't bothered to look for them and learn what they were doing, as He went back to betting on football.
   
For more in-depth discussion of this subject, consult the [[Bible]], which is the definitive authority on all things religious, as it was written by God Himself and directly given to us mere humans to treasure forever. Every word of it is literally true, without exception. He even translated the Bible for everybody in later years.
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==God Starts To Lose, Decides To Flood World==
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1537 years later, God was still watching the Angels vs Devils [[football]] game, when it went to its first ad break. God took this opportunity to make a bet with Satan over who would score the next goal. However, when He looked round, He realised that Satan wasn't there, but was off collecting souls. This was bad news, as it meant God would surely lose the ancient bet. It was time for [[Murder|drastic action]].
   
Note carefully that no human can ever know God's will. Except the [[Pope]], because he has a mind-bogglingly cool [[hat]]. And a stick.
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[[Image:ThinkerToilet.jpg||200px|thumb|God asks Himself, "Hmm, what could I use to create a flood?"]]
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God decided that the only thing He could do now was to kill off all of creation. This way, Satan would not be able to gather any more souls and increase his lead. Unfortunately, God was quite keen on some of the animals He had made, especially the [[Doggy style|puppies]] and [[Kitten Huffing|kittens]], and did not want to destroy them. He was also quite fond of the Noah bloke who ran the betting shop in Arc, Israel.<ref>Not to mention that Noah still owed Him money from their last wager.</ref> So God had to think of a plan to save [[Noah|Noah of Arc]], his wife [[Joan of Arc]], and their family whilst leaving the rest to die.
   
==The Real Atheist==
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How this was done is detailed in the apocryphal Generations 2:3-9 (Brother Goose translation): "And God, in his infinite wisdom, said, 'Noah, build an ark. A really big one. Like, bloody massive.' Noah did so, and God saw that it was good. Then God instructed Noah to find two of every animal and put them on the ark, with the words 'I'll bet you £10 I can find the unicorns first!' Tragically, God feared Satan would gather all human souls before all the animals could be gathered, so God made the heavens release a downpour before he could find two unicorns. The rainy spell lasted 40 days and 40 nights. This created a great flood when the rainwater backed up the sewers. The [[weatherman]], who had predicted a barbeque summer, said he 'felt like a right twit.' Then he drowned."
Austen Smith is the actual atheist of the universe and caused life to begin on a petri dish. He commonly kills subjects such as bacteria and Nathan Leslie.
 
   
==The Communist Atheist==
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==God's Greatest Prophets==
Obviously he has to be either stalin or marx that created the whole world and began life as everything in existence becoming automatically communist even trees were paid the same as stinky sheep, the tree said 'why do stinky stinky sheep eat and shit when i create oxygen and we get paid same what the shit'. Then came atheists who huffed a fully grown orange male cat on anti gravity toast the powers were truly immense allowing him to easily rid the world of communism but stopped at china and russia he said 'i cant be asked, I'm too lazy and I claim God doesn't exist because I hate him.
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===Job===
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Many generations after Noah, a man named [[Job]], who was faithful to God, became a highly successful rancher in the land of [[The Wizard of Oz|Uz]]. One day God bet Satan that Job wouldn't curse God even if he lost his ranch, wealth, health, wife, children, and got some really nasty boils. Satan, who still missed his limbs, wanted no part of it. But God became so furious, Satan feared another flood. So Satan relented, but pleaded for Job, saying, "Behold, all that he hath is in Thy power; only upon himself put not forth Thy hand (you schmuck)" (Job 1:12).
   
==Biography==
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God followed through with his threat and his bet. Job, who like Satan feared for the world, said, "Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return thither: the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD." (Job 1:21). God knew that Job yelled His name in sarcasm and anger (and believed God was a schmuck), but didn't care because He won the bet.
   
[[Image:Contents.jpg|200px|thumb|Evidence that God is still around and writing the Gospel according to George Clooney on the GAT.]]
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===Abraham, Sarah and Lot===
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[[File:Lincoln-guitar.jpg|thumb|left|Portrait of Abraham, used on the cover of the Rolling Stones album "Sympathy for the Devil."]]
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Following God's success with Job, and His failure to win all souls through Adam and his cloned-sister Eve, God made a new plan. He now focused on creating souls through [[Abraham]] and his half-sister [[Sarah]]. Satan had said the couple, 100-year-old Abraham and 90-year-old Sarah, were too old to have children. So God bet against the Devil. He then dressed a baby in sheep's clothing, and snuck him in while Satan wasn't looking. God laughed at Satan and called the baby "Isaac," which is Jewish for "laughter." Scripture scholars later called God's act a "miracle," which is Jewish for "cheating."
   
God was never born. He just always existed.<ref>Some theologians disagree on this point, arguing that even God could not survive the boredom of doing nothing for an infinite amount of time before creating the universe. One theory holds that He pulled himself up from down, possibly by [[idiots|my]] opinion.</ref> He also won't die. This sort of makes writing a biography an endless torment. So we won't.
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Then God almost destroyed His own plan due to His compulsive gambling. God made a bet with Satan that Abraham wouldn't sacrifice his only son (actually, his only son who wasn't a bastard--God was cheating again) just because God told him to. The betrayed and confused Abraham, who still thought Isaac was a sheep, was about to axe his son. But the sympathetic Satan intervened, and willingly lost the bet by dressing up a sheep as Isaac and giving it to Abraham to sacrifice instead.<ref>It helps to remember that all this swapping babies and sheep occurred before the invention of eyeglasses.</ref>
   
[[John Lennon]] once postulated that God was in fact a medical scale by which pain could be measured. This was a controversial theory as it was not possible to prescribe painkillers in line with the God measurements. The theory was finally debunked by Lennon in the same thesis when he went on to claim that both he and [[Bob Dylan]] did not exist.
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God later destroyed the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah, where Abraham's nephew Lot lived, because their casinos refused to give God a percentage of their profits. Also they had legalized [[Homosexual|homosexuality]]. God hated homosexuality because it produced no souls for God to win.
   
Since the [[19th century]], some have claimed God is dead. However, in 2005 FOX news refuted this claim with recent footage of God, saving us writing time. Also, he appeared to give His full unconditional support of the Republican party in the year 2004.
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But God spared Lot because of the gambling game called ''Casting Lot''. This involved rolling or casting Lot out the back door, and betting on whether he would land face up or face down.<ref>"Casting Lot" was a precursor to both flipping coins and dice games.</ref>
   
In His spare time, God enjoys exercising by [[List of weapons that don't exist, but should#Giant rock|creating rocks so big that even He can't lift them]].{{cn}}
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God increased His odds by convincing Abraham to marry many women and to buy several [[Prostitute|concubines]] or prostitute slaves. God also improved His chances following the death of Lot's wife. He talked Lot's daughters into getting their father drunk with Carmel Kayoumi Shiraz wine, and then having sex with, and getting pregnant by, their father. Both of these acts gave inveterate gambler God more souls to win.
   
[[Image:Goddoesplaydicefinaloj3.jpg|thumb|left|God does in fact play dice, with [[Einstein]], all of the Einsteins due to the time travel paradox.]]
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===Moses===
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[[File:Moses_with_tablet.jpg‎|thumb|right|Moses right before he dropped one of the two tablets.]]
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God mercilessly brought plagues and death on the great Satan-created Empire of [[Egypt]]. To protect what Satan still had in Egypt, he let God's Holy Moses steal thousands of Israeli souls. Later, Moses saw a vision of God after inhaling the fumes from a burning bush. Moses was high on a mountain for 40 days and 40 nights while God carved [[Ten Commandments]] on two stone tablets, which He gave to Moses. One was the Tablet of Commandments, and the other was the Tablet of Explanations. Unfortunately, Moses was still under the influence, and dropped the explanation tablet.
   
[[Einstein]] once said that God does not play dice, but later after time travel paradoxes, [[Einstein]] was found playing dice with God in Las Vegas. God also says he is into role playing games, and often rolls dice to see what happens with the world. God claims this is a random element that takes away whatever responsibility others might place on him. Blame it on bad dice rolls, not God. Roll DC 15 to get this joke.
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Fortunately, Rabbi Dr. Sinister Craven also inhaled, and was able to recreate them for his book ''The Burning Bush and Other Trips''. The restored 10 Commandments and their explanations (marked with *) are below:
   
Despite popular belief, God was going to make a debut on a special episode of Friends, but the episode was cut so people wouldn't burn in the light of his one-handedness. Many believe God to possess the voice of James Earl Jones.
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:'''I''' I am the Lord thy God. Thou shalt have no other gods nor sacrifice to idols *''for I want all the winnings myself.''
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:'''II''' Thou shalt not use the name of thy Lord in Vain *''for I am wanted in Vain for owing back taxes.''
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:'''III''' Remember the Sabbath and keep it holy *''by bringing My percentage to the temple.''
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:'''IV''' Honor they father and mother *''for I am both.''
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:'''V''' Thou shalt not murder *''unless I tellest thou to.''
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:'''VI''' Thou shalt not commit adultery *''unless thou askest really nicely. Polygamy and group marriage are fine.''
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:'''VII''' Thou shalt not steal *''unless it be for My profit.''
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:'''VIII''' Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor *''unless it be for My profit.''
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:'''IX''' Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife *''until I have a chance with her first.''
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:'''X''' Thou shalt not covet anything that belongs to thy neighbor, including his ass *''unless thou canst win it in a game.''<ref>The 10th Commandment led to the phrase, "you bet your ass."</ref>
   
[[Image:Godforest.jpg|thumb|right|God, now a senior citizen of 800 billion years, donates his time to picking up trash in public parks.]]
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==Jesus Arrives, God Enters North America==
Now God watches reruns of [[Dallas]] and [[Coronation Street]] in his caravan that he himself conjured on a hill with a view of both the Alps ''and'' the Himalayas (clergymen with a certain taste in home décor agreed to the Godly magnificence of the view). Sightings of God in public occur almost every other second if one has reason to believe religious periodicals, and he is often rumoured to be seen around Office Depot as he keeps running out of printer cartridges. [[Agnosticism|Agnostics]] said that whether he is buying a cartridge in the colour of Cyan or Yellow cannot be known, like, ever; although weak agnostics made a more agreeable statement and said, "Whatever". Anti-theists said, quite abusingly, "He probably has this old sucky printer that prints only [[The Color Problem|black and white]]". God is known to be quite fond of [[sauerkraut]] and [[blue cheese]] and makes excellent fondue. He doesn't consume [[alcohol]] or [[mathematicians]] due to religious reasons, and also because he had issues with with both of them at some point in time (see [[alcohol]] or [[mathematics]]).
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:''Main article: [[Original Jesus]]''
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[[File:Wet tshirt muschis.jpg|thumb|left|The [[Angel|Angels Cheerleading Squad]] lines up for the Gridiron national anthem. Bet you're glad it was raining that day.]]
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God spent several thousand years watching and betting on [[football]] ([[Canada|nations who]] [[United States of America|follow Satan]] called it [[soccer]]). Then, suddenly, God became bored. According to Reverend [[James Dobson]] in his book ''[[Focus on the Family|Focus on the Football]]'', this was due to the season finally ending after all the players collapsed. The Book of Gridiron 1:3-5, says, "And it came to pass in those days that the multitude of football players were greatly exhausted, and did fall unto the ground as if dead. For the time and the season for football was without end, for in those days there was no player's union. And these are the teams and their names: the Angels and the Devils, for there were but two teams."
   
God was once married to [[Athe]] but she drove him insane in his early life with her constant nagging that he should do more around the house, as a result God had a short temper in the Old Testament and caused many disasters and told his worshipers to do all kinds of things to their enemies as a result. Finally God got his marriage annulled to [[Athe]] and to get revenge his ex-wife founded [[Atheism]] to get revenge on her ex-husband's Theism. Embarrassed by this, God wrote [[Athe]] out of the bible and claimed she does not exist, and never has, and [[Athe]] has her worshipers claim God does not exist and never has as revenge for that. But since both of them have the power to rewrite history and [[change]] facts and evidence, and modify the universe to support evidence of their own worshiper's beliefs, it has caused thousands of years of Theists and Atheists arguing with each other who is right and who is wrong. God then found another woman, Mary, and had a son with her called Jesus and things started to work better for God after that. But still to this day, Theists and Atheists will argue over the existence of [[God]] or [[Athe]] or any other deity. Some [[Christians]] and [[Atheists]] will deny this, and will do all they can to blank this paragraph out of this article. Therefore this paragraph is not in the official biography of God and therefore is an ignorable part of his biography. It was added here as a footnote and takes place in an alternate reality using string theory and M-theory, and the [[Crisis in Infinite Jerusalems]] made all of that moot after retconing the origins of both God and Athe.
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During the off season, which was March 25, 0005 B.C., God decided to re-examine the rest of His creation. Looking through the [[Angel|Angels Cheerleading Squad]], God felt an unfamiliar feeling, which he called "[[Love]]." He immediately claimed He had created it, and called Himself "The God of Love." (Satan had actually created it 4,000 years before, calling it "[[Sex]]" and himself, "Hot Stuff.") God noticed one cheerleader in particular, primarily because she was the squad's only virgin. She was a girl between the ages of 12 and 16 and, according to [[Reverend Loveshade]], God found her "pretty tasty." Her name was [[Virgin Mary|Mary Virginia Lolita Davidson Josephwife]], for she was betrothed to a carpenter named [[Joseph]]. God ignored the ring on her finger, and wooed her in the traditional Godly way - with a heavenly light and an invitation by an Angel followed by dinner and a movie.<ref>Taking Mary to a movie may not seem impressive until you remember that in those days movies didn't exist.</ref> He also tricked her into drinking two bottles of Carmel Kayoumi Shiraz wine, claiming it was "holy water." Once the Virgin Mary was chastely drunk, God has His way with her.
   
==The Three Persons Of God, or The Trinity==
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Unfortunately, all did not go as God planned. For Satan had secretly poked a wholly hidden hole in God's [[Condom|Holy Protection]], so that the Lord would have to take responsibility for His own actions. As a result, a few months later the supposedly Virgin Mary was found to be "great with child." It was obvious to Joseph that Mary had committed adultery. So to cover, God sent a member of the Angels team to appear to Joseph in a dream. The Angel said, "Joseph, thou son of David, fear not to take unto thee Mary thy wife: for that which is conceived in her is of the Holy Ghost. Also, couldst thou sparest some money for a cab?"<ref>Why did the Angel ask for cab fair? It's a long ride back to Heaven.</ref> (Matthew 1:20). Thus God passed the blame for His adultery and statutory rape on His imaginary undead twin.
   
===The Father===
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[[File:Troll_doll.jpg‎|250px|thumb|right|In-the-womb photo of Baby Jesus between his/her transition from female to male. Note the royalty-signifying purple hair.]]God then made a bet with Satan on the sex and name of the child. God bet half His soul collection and the valuable continent of [[South America]], while the more cautious Satan wagered half his souls and the virtually worthless continent of [[North America]].
   
Okay, [[buffoon|I've]] been thinking this up for over 25 seconds, so get ready for something really smart and imaginitive: God, the Father is the first of the three persons of the [[Holy Trinity]]. God the Father has some anger management and alcohol issues, and although He tries to present Himself as a loving, wholesome figure He has a tendency to lose his temper, and when He does you generally don't want to be in the vicinity. For example, one night God the Father, whilst smugly celebrating His creation of Existence, the Universe, and Everything That Can Ever Be Imagined, and just generally chilling out on His unfathomable, mind-blowing omnipotence, ended up getting a bit lost in all His Greatness and drinking way too much beer than was good for him. He subsequently woke up the next morning with a really fucking awful hangover. Truly a hangover of divine proportions. Meanwhile people on Earth were innocently making a lot of noise that day, which notwithstanding really irritated God in His woeful hungover state, so He just decided to flood the whole Earth and get rid of every living thing on its surface. In the end He spared just one family, headed by a guy called Noah, who enjoyed sleeping drunk and naked in view of his embarrassed kids when plastered. God told Noah to take a living sample of every creature on a boat and live in it for more than a month, causing a stench, while He flooded the earth so He could clear His head, but [[Idiot|I]] mean after all He'd spent a whole week creating every living thing and God wanted a back-up copy for when He recovered from His alcoholic excesses. Hence the boat. Just in case. Which was just as well because as is typical with chronic alcoholics, God had a massive bout of regret for flooding the whole Earth a bit later on when He'd sobered up. See that smile on your face? You're laughing so hard right now because [[captain boring|I'm]] so full of genius funniness!
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God followed the advice of one of His prophets, and bet the child would be a boy named "Emmanuel" (Matthew 1:23). Then God secretly went to check that the foetus was a boy. When he discovered it wasn't, He was quite worried for a moment, until He remembered He was God. He reversed His trick of making the female Eve from the male Adam, changing one of the infant's X chromosomes to a Y. To further hide His deception, God told the keeper at the Ramada Inn to claim it was full, so God's son was born in a manger inside a small cave. God faced another problem when, on the eighth day after the infant transsexual's birth, Mary and Joseph called him "Jesus." God quickly claimed "Jesus" was just [[Puerto Rico|Puerto Rican]] for "Emmanuel" (it wasn't, but Satan didn't know this because he'd never been allowed in South America), and won the bet.
   
===The Son===
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God was delighted that he now had His own little son to do with as he wished, and started referring to Himself as "God the Father."
[[Image:Lightning-with-streamers.jpg|thumb|150px|God is seen [[Smite|smiting]] a particularly wicked [[tree]]. It is not known if [[Nietzsche]] was standing under the tree at the time, but he might have been.]]
 
   
God, the Son is more commonly known as [[Jesus]]. The details of how Jesus got to be the Son are a bit vague to people like [[Idiots|us]]. We absolutely hate him because he has standards [[Idiots|we]]'ll never surrender to. Apparently He always was. However, He was also temporally and carnally begotten when one day the third person of the Trinity, the [[Holy Spirit]] decided to place Jesus into a young virgin called Mary. As is wont to happen when young people get promiscuous, Mary fell pregnant...just as planned. The Holy Spirit, as typical males tend to do, took off and was never seen again, lest he be struck by the courts with demands for alimony payments and custody obligations, because it makes sense for God to be judged by a human. That's not backwards and this all is VERY FUNNY!!! Mary was already married to Joseph, another guy, who acted as a human father in place of the still present father God. As often happens with the sons of absent alcoholic fathers with anger management issues, Jesus, or God the Son, went a bit loopy. He had all kinds of crazy ideas, like that you turn the other cheek to people rather than smashing them to bloody little pieces of flesh should they dare insult you, or that you should help poor and sick people. Like I said, crazy stuff. In the end he ended up getting crucified by mockers like [[Idiots|us]]. He had totally outlandish and insane ideas, like that it's better not to stone people to death in horrible agony for prostituting their bodies. Of course, Jesus being God could not be killed, so he rose from the dead three days after he was offed. He wanted to keep on with his crazy new politics but by this time he was turning his blood into wine and drinking it and stuff like that. Right? That's the way [[Idiots|we]] think we heard it. Just before Jesus was ordered back to heaven, he told his followers that one way to remember Him would be to eat a little piece of bread. This is recorded in the [[Bible]] when Jesus broke some bread and said "This is my body". Hence, to this day you will see Christians (mainly Roman Catholics) bowing to, praying to and worshipping little pieces of bread called wafers or hosts as God.
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==The Temptation Bet and The Crucifixion==
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By Jewish tradition, at age 30 Jesus was recognized as an "elder" (Jewish for "big-headed"). He entered the desert to fast for 40 days and nights. Rev. G. Zussiz-Lawd said this was for "personal reasons no one can explain." But Rabbi Dr. Sinister Craven gave an explanation in his book, ''Don't Ever Bet Against God Because He'll Cheat''. "Don't expect a goy Gentile to understand [[Jew|Jews]]. [[Moses|Moses the Lawgiver]] fasted on the mountain 40 days and nights to receive the 10 Commandments. It rained for 40 days and nights on [[Noah|Noah of Arc]] who organized the first floating zoo. So that [[Original Jesus|copycat Jesus]]? Don't ask me anymore about Jesus."
   
===The Holy Spirit===
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God saw this as a great opportunity for a bet with Satan, and the deal was done. If Satan could persuade Jesus to use his godly powers, God had to hand over all His souls. If Jesus didn't use his powers, Satan had to hand over all his.
   
The Holy Spirit is the third person of the Holy Trinity. He was sent down by Jesus after Jesus went back up to be with his Dad. The Holy Spirit watches over human beings to make sure teenage boys don't jerk off under the sheets late at night when alone and impute the terrible overwhelming guilt of mortal sin punishable by an eternity of burning in [[hell]] when they do so anyway. And by the way, masturbation is better than sex with a lifelong spouse. [[plebian|I'm]] sure of it. The Holy Spirit however has no problems with Kim Jong-Il terrorizing the [[North Korea]]n people{{cn}}, just as he had no big qualms with [[Chairman Mao]]'s [[Cultural Revolution]] which killed 60 million Chinese{{cn}} or with [[Hitler]] knocking off 6 million [[Jews]].{{cn}} This is because boys jerking off under the sheets late at night is much worse by God the Father's standards. If something happens, that means God likes it better than something that didn't happen, [[Midas Mufflers|guaranteed. The Holy Spirit's other main concern is inducing strange symptoms in charismatic evangelic worshippers of God, known as Christians. The Holy Spirit makes them do weird things in churches such as speaking in tongues, getting slain in the Spirit (a type of falling unconscious - quite bad for your neck and back when ushers fail to catch you, I'd know), prohecying wildly about the end of the world, screaming, laughing, moaning and generally losing the plot.
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Satan began by trying to convince Jesus that he could turn a rock into bread to satisfy his hunger. Jesus didn't do it. Satan then brought Jesus to the top of a tall mountain, and told him that everything he saw could be his, if he bowed down and worshiped Satan. Jesus didn't do it. Finally, Satan brought Jesus to the roof of a temple, and told him to jump off, and test God. Again, Jesus didn't do it.
   
==Appearance==
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[[File:Albrecht_Altdorfer_016.jpg|200px|thumb|left|God the Father, Son and Holy Ghost gambling in the first game of "Simon (Satan) Says." They all lost.]]
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Satan, humiliated by his defeat, agreed to give all his souls to God. He secretly marveled at how controlled and strong-willed Jesus was. However, there was something he didn't know. While Jesus was in the desert, God had secretly been feeding him mutton, Carmel Kayoumi Shiraz wine, Fig Newtons, gebinah cheese and soup with Matzah balls. So Jesus had had no need for stony bread. God had also given Jesus arthritis, so he couldn't bow down to Satan. And also Jesus had vertigo. Naturally, God neglected to mention these when He tried to collect His winnings. God was about to win the ancient bet. But at the last moment, Satan noticed that the robe of the supposedly starving Jesus had a [[Mustard|mustard]] stain, and Jesus had a bit of [[Catsup|catsup]] in his beard. The bet was off.
   
God is often said to look like the stranger in the [[mirror]], but forgotten prophet Zoab wrote several unique aspects of the immortal being, such as the following description of what God looked like:
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But God did not give up. He felt sure His son would continue his father's deceptive ways when Jesus said, "I am Christ, and shall deceive many." (Mark 13:6). Although to protect His bet, God did sternly remind His son that his name was in fact Jesus, not Christ. But Jesus soon realized his own father had given him arthritis and vertigo in order to win a bet. Jesus' friends Peter, Paul and Mary said, "Physician, heal thyself," and he did so. He then distanced himself from his Father God.
[[Image:Godisbad.gif |left|thumb|200px|Oh, that God. Such a funny guy. Always with the joking.]]"First we can state that God has a [[beard]], as this is a commonly known truth and all theologists of all people agree with this by nature. But a fact that is overlooked by most theologists is that God only has one [[hand]]. People always talk about "THE hand of God" and never say "a hand of God" or "one of God's hands". This also explains why people who are praying put their hands against each other: they do this to be respectful towards God, as the people would appear to have just one hand too. It would be a huge disruptance of the cosmic order if a mortal appeared to have more hands than God himself. This explains why we are not allowed to depict God: if we were, people would notice He has only one hand. As playing dice is easier with two hands than with one, this also explains why God does not play dice (except in those cases when he does).
 
[[Image:GOD!!!!.jpg|thumb|right|Seen rarely, he often gives messages of wisdom.]]
 
Furthermore God most likely has an eye patch - [[Reality]] has two major components: the [[Something]] (e.g.a stone) and the [[Nothing]] (e.g. that which is inside a [[vacuum]] sucked sphere or inside the head of anyone overly religious). It is a known fact that God sees everything, so both the [[Something]] as the [[Nothing]]. If we decide God has two eyes, He could see [[Something]] with one eye and [[Nothing]] with the other, therefore he wears an eye patch over one of his eyes, so he could see everything. In recent years this has been taken by extremist religions as a tacit endorsement of the [[pirate]] way of life (see [[FSM]]).
 
   
==Children==
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Jesus declared himself "King of the Jews," and began telling people, "I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me." (John 14:6). God believed His son was trying to get a monopoly of souls, leaving God the Father with nothing. So God the Father sent His ''consigliere'' [[Judas]] to betray him, and Jesus was executed on the cross.
   
Lukas GR has six known [[sun|sons]], and an unknown number of daughters. It is speculated that Lukas GR's [[sex]] life is ''very'' good for a man of his age.
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This proved to be a cunning move. God the Father raised Jesus from the dead, created and sent his previously imaginary twin the Holy Ghost to convert more disciples, and thus became a [[Trinity]] of Gods. This increased His power and gave Himself three seats at the [[UnScripts:Who built the moon|Celestial Poker Game]].
   
Sons:
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==Muhammad and the One Bet Rule==
*[[Jesus|Jebus]] (Jesus, as told by the Gospel Luke GR, was a whiny SOB who never ate his peas. God, in retaliation locked him in a cave for three days.
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[[Image:GOD!!!!.jpg|300px|thumb|right|God--Allah--revealed Himself to his greatest prophet, saying, "Muhammad, I'm betting on you."]]
*[[Bill_%28son_of_God%29|Bill]]
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Unfortunately for God, the plan to always have three seats at the Celestial Poker Game backfired. He was continually betting against two players as good as He was, because He was betting against Himselves. Even if He won a hand, He'd still lose, and lose twice--and the version of Himself who won would have to split the winnings with two others. God decided it was time to end the Trinity forever.
*[[Bob Dole]]
 
*[[Fred Flintstone]]
 
*[[Hitler]]
 
*[[Tim Horton]]
 
*[[Barack Obama]]
 
   
==Controversy==
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He came up with a better plan than using the cave-born, supposed-son-of-a-carpenter Jesus who called himself a shepherd. God would find a real shepherd who had no father. At the beginning of the Seventh Century A.D., He found what He wanted: an orphaned Arabic sheep herder named [[Muhammad|Muhammad ibn ‘Abdullāh]] (also spelled [[Muhammad Ali]]).
   
{{q|God has a whole universe to support full of planets and stars. Did you see that ring he gave [[Saturn]]? Very pricey!|Homer Simpson|Things God supports}}
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Just as He had convinced Jesus to abandon his job as a carpenter in Nazareth to go into the wilderness, God convinced Muhammad to leave his life as a shepherd in Mecca and retreat to a cave in the surrounding mountains for meditation and reflection. According to Islamic beliefs it was here, at age 40, in the month of Ramadan, where Muhammad received his first revelation. This was delivered by a member of the Angel's team who was sent by "Allah" (God referred to Himself as [[Allah]] so He'd sound Arabic).
   
Due to the fact that millions of people have died and been killed in God’s name, some people consider him to be a violent, psychotic nutcase. But, according to the National Religious Association (the NRA), “God doesn’t kill people, God-worshiping humans do”.
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According to the [[Qur'an]], the revelation given by Angel Jibreel (Gabriel) was:
Note that contrary to common belief, God does ''not'' own the property rights to heaven. His official heavenly title is "Our Father who art in Heaven", rather than "who doth own". As we all know, if you build something, and you live in it, it means you can't own it. [[moron|I]] know [[moron|I]] don't.
 
[[Image:Crazy20old20man.jpg|left|thumb|200px|This guy prayed before seeing [[shite|Saw III]].]]
 
GOD is an bacronym for Guaranteed Overnight Delivery, which [[moron|I]] just made up. It's a bit of a misnomer at best, because while the bible does record that he occasionally delivered people, it wasn't guaranteed, but rather contingent on their obeying a number of strict [[commandments]]. And overnight? Not even close. 40 years wandering in a desert doesn't count as overnight, even by extremely lax USPS standards. This kind of shoddy service is why start-up religions with more diverse delivery systems will gain popularity in the coming years. On a side note, God did once consider delivery as a career, losing out in the semi-final to the Daughter of Pharaoh, in the "draw the baby from the water" competition.
 
   
It is said if one examines DNA strands that it says "Copyright Day 6, God" on them in Hebrew. Militant Atheist Scientists like [[Richard Dawkins]] claim that it is not in Hebrew but it is just a random pattern and that we should ignore it. Dawkins claims that having a copyright mentioning God in it is just as ridiculous as saying the universe is only 5000 years old. Other people say that God did a beta test with Dinosaurs before creating people, but according to the [[Flintstones]] Dinosaurs lived with people and dispels that myth.
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:"There is no God but Allah. Heed His words, for here they be:
   
[[Image:Bananarepublic.jpg|thumb|The holy Wrath of God.]]
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:You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em,
It is a little known fact that the commonly held notion of GOD is actually an acronym. Report as presented by Administrative Nominal General Executive Labourer follows:
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:Know when to walk away and know when to run.
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:You never count your money when you're sittin' at the table.
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:There'll be time enough for countin' when the dealin's done."<ref>These holy words of scripture were later put to music by Don Schlitz and performed by Kenny Rogers. The song's title was one of the most holy names of God, "The Gambler."</ref>.
   
GOD (or Global Overall Development process) is a long term strategic plan initiated in 4000BC. Since then GOD has proven to be a successful project in several key areas including: Judicial Education System for Universal Syndicates and Mainstream Operational Help Administering Major Accredited Deities. Though J.E.S.U.S and M.O.H.A.M.E.D have proven individually to be highly successful processes, there have been compatibility issues between the two schemes which are currently being ironed out by our experts in the Human Evaluation And Verification Executive Network. Customer confidence in H.E.A.V.E.N has proven to be consistently high.
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[[Image:Woman walking in Afghanistan.jpg|100px|thumb|left|Muslim woman sneaking away from the Ramada Inn to try out for the Devils Cheerleading Squad (note the shamefully exposed feet).]]
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The cave near Mecca where Muhammad stayed was, according to God's plan, the same one where Jesus was born. This became known as the Ramada Inn and Gambling Casino. This was the first establishment to follow Allah's new rule of "one person, one bet." As one of the Five Pilars of Islam, [[Muslim|Muslims]] are expected to travel there once in their lifetime. There they ask forgiveness for past sins, pray for guidance and help in refraining from everyday evils, and try to purify themselves through self-restraint and good deeds. They then spend the rest of their time there gambling away their life savings and their souls.
   
Confidence in GOD lapsed briefly around 200 years ago during the ENLIGHTENMENT (Environmental Negligence Leading to Industrial Growth Heightened by Technical Engineering, New Movements and Exaggerated Nationalist Tendencies). In part, this was due to the blossoming field of [[mathematics]], which was able to calculate that 71% of the world was covered with water. Combined with [[science]], which noted that man had no gills, [[philosophy]] then used these facts to call into question the assumption that God had made the world for man. Since the darker times of the ENLIGHTENMENT, progress has been made securing a successful future for GOD. The projected aim is that we will all live in a world where Global Overall Development is present.
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But according to the ''Qur'an'', if they lose their souls to Allah, Muslims of either sex will be rewarded in Heaven with a huge mansion, 80,000 servants, and 72 beautiful, willing virgins. Islam quickly became God's most popular religion, and Muhammad God's most successful prophet.
   
The Lord helps those who help themselves, and is tired of [[UnNews:God Sick of all the Whining|everyone's whining]] and decided to take a long break for ten years. For those if you with a [[Apocalypse|problem]] with that, God paid for rent-a-deity to get a replacement for his vacation, [[Loki]]. God really likes the wealthy because they don't whine as much as poor people do. God also likes conservatives more than liberals, because conservatives don't whine as much as liberals do. If [[Loki]] is unavailable you can talk to his assistant [[Eris Discordia|Eris]] instead. Loki is busy planning the [http://www.survive2012.com/ end of the world], in [[2012]] as promised to the Mayans.
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Unfortunately for God, Satan intervened. Following the death of Muhammad, he convinced a number of Muslims to "free the souls of the infidels" so God would lose them<ref>Satan intended the infidels to be freed from slavery to God, not to be slain. Satan deeply regrets the misunderstanding, and encourages all who suffered the loss of family members to send a request for remuneration to [[Focus on the Family]] in Colorado Springs, Colorado.</ref>. He also reinterpreted ''Qur'an'', so that instead of God's women having full rights, respect and recognition, they had to cover themselves in shame and do whatever men told them<ref>Satan deeply regrets the misunderstanding. He desires to free all women from God's tyranny, and encourages them to uncover themselves and apply for the Devils Cheerleading Squad.</ref>. Satan actually intended to free women's souls and encourage them to escape from God's tyranny, but the plan backfired.
   
(Acknowledge Hint, End of Meeting!)
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Writing in ''A Jew's Guide to Islam and Other Imitations,'' Rabbi Dr. Sinister Craven wrote, "Muhammad? He claims he sees God at age 40? Again with the 40 thing. Don't ask me any more about Muhammad and goy gambling. Why can't we play a nice game of Dreidel?"
   
== Other Cultures and God==
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==God, Satan and Sports==
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:''Main article: [[Sports]]''
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With the invention of the printing press, people could now read the holy books for themselves instead of being told by priests, "It all makes sense. Trust us." Many now realized how foolish religion really was. So the eternal struggle for souls between God and Satan moved back to where it began: Sports.
   
[[Image:Locust canary1.jpg|thumb|Don't make their God bust out [[locust|locusts]] on yo' ass.]]
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===Team Sports===
Many different cultures around the world see God in their own [[special]] way, but all of these ways are wrong except for our way.
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Team sports were specifically designed by God for winning souls and bets. As non-sports fans have observed, the games are utterly boring unless one bets on a particular team. According to housewife Alice Crabtree, "Take American football. Every game is the same. One guy hikes the ball. The quarterback gets it or he doesn't. If he does, he tries to run or throw. If he runs, he either makes a touchdown or he doesn't. If he throws, the receiver either catches it or he doesn't. If the receiver catches it, he either makes a touchdown or he doesn't. Boring! Unless, of course, you've got a tenner on the game."
   
Goa'ulds often pose as gods, but they are not. However, at least they are real.
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God invented [[American football]], [[Baseball|baseball]], [[Basketball|basketball]], [[Cricket|cricket]], [[Hockey|field hockey]], [[Ice hockey|ice hockey]], [[Polo|polo]], and [[Mermaids|underwater paintball]]. These sports are an imitation of [[War|war]], and are all about [[Violence|violence]].
   
[[Jews]] don't say the word G-d because G-d is better than the letter O, or any combination of letters put together. (See also [[G-d]]) This is the reason why YHWH is spelled YHWH, in spite of the word not having any O's. (There was also a disturbing frequency of mishaps in which people who were told, "FINE, HAVE IT YOUR WAY!" mistook the insult for a prayer to G-d (Yahweh), prompting the ban.)
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[[File:Figure_on_beam_(back).jpg|225px|thumb|right|Women's gymnastics is a mockery of God. Here a gymnast disrespectfully flashes God while making the sign of the cross.]]
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===Individual Sports===
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Satan, on the other hand, tried to win bets and souls by creating individual sports that were interesting to watch. This was primarily because participants wore skin tight, skimpy costumes. These included [[Gymnastics|women's gymnastics, men's gymnastics]], [[Figure skating|figure skating]], [[Arnold Schwarzenegger|bodybuilding]], [[Lust|women's gymastics]], [[Bicycle|cycling]], [[Surfing|surfing]], [[Swimming|swimming]], [[Dive|diving]], and [[Preteen slut|women's gymnastics]]. These sports are imitations of [[Love|love]], and are all about [[Sex|sex]].
   
This led to jokes about God's name. One of the most bizarre involved a railroad on Short Island, New Jersey, which put a church on every rush-hour train and called itself the "[http://www.pullman-museum.org/main/prg467.jpg Steel Yahweh to the Fair Gateway]". Religious types whined about this, and G-d smited the railroad with a thunderbolt, with the result being that every train arrived at Penn Station early. (Thank G-d for electric trains!) After realizing His mistake, God crashed a barge into a trestle, which managed to tie up traffic. The railroad subsequently dropped the ad campaign and switched to "Reverend Dan" as an uniting character, ultimately having him fall in love with "Patty Snow" and dropped as well. That railroad went belly-up in 1968 because folks thought it was too religious.
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===Horse Racing===
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God's violent team sports won Him more money, but Satan's good-looking sports won him more souls. As the primary bet between God and Satan was for souls not cash, this was bad for the Lord.
   
After Job told God He had messed up pretty badly with the Hebrews, his popularity in the area greatly decreased. After writing a threatening reply to Job, God was forced to leave the country. He changed His name to Brahma and moved to ancient India. When people started asking Him the same old questions about the existence of Evil and Life After Death and all that, he got annoyed and moved away again. This cycle of events continued for centuries, until he sent some Avatars around to tell people "just deal with it, I am outta here." Unfortunately, most of them fouled the operation up in some manner.
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But God did not give up. He decided to create a sport focused directly on betting itself. Thus He invented horseracing. As Eddie the Bookie wrote in his book, ''Bet or Die'', "Watching horses run in circles over and over and over again is incredibly boring. Everyone who goes to a horse race has to make bets just to keep themselves awake. Fall asleep, and you fall off the stands and get trampled to death." The odds were so bad that gamblers would end up with nothing to bet but their souls.
[[Image:Godpissed.png|left|thumb|300px|God is pissed.]]
 
   
Soon after, the various faiths God had inspired began to [[Battle of the Sexes|war]] against each other. The Supreme Being, well know as being a lover of irony, found this quite amusing. Thus, he will still create new religions from time to time, when not busy in alternate universes messing with the inhabitants.
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God seemed destined to finally win over Satan. But He soon learned that the Devil was no longer His only competition.
   
In Finland people have invented the real form of God. God has thinked that this present time is perfect for relieving his real form to lousy specie of human. During Olympics in Torino God announced His real form and stepped out as Finnish curlingteam's captain Markku Uusipavalniemi. At the same time he also told to people of this planet that all earlier things that humans have believed to be Gods are just other forms of Uusis. Jesus was only a result of one boring night on the planet earth and needed to be taken back to Uusis as soon as possible. Uusis just had other businesses and wasn't able to take Jesus back until he was about 30.
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==God and Gambling in Different Cultures==
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[[Image:Godisbad.gif |left|thumb|200px|God once bet Satan He could stop a car heading for Atlantic City without touching the road or the car.]]
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===Atlantic City and Monte Carlo===
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God faced serious competition for souls and gamblers. In [[United States of America|America]], the [[Adam and Eve|Adam-and-Eve]]-created [[Atlantic City]] began drawing more gamblers than God the Father's [[Las Vegas]]. The sibling god and goddess also drew more and more souls to their Mormon Church (more properly called [[Mormon|The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints]]. As "saints' means "souls," the name is a direct mockery of the original God).
   
== Alter egos==
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Meanwhile, Adam's ousted first wife [[Lilith]] convinced Charles Honoré Grimaldi to declare himself King Charles III and create Monte Carlo in [[Monaco]]. This city beat God's Las Vegas as the Gambling Capitol of the World. (The name "Monte Carlo" translates in English to Lilith's favorite Monacan activity, which is to "[[Sex|Mount Charles]].")
=== יהוה ([[The_artist_formerly_known_as_God|The Artist Formerly Known as God]]) ===
 
   
At one time, God had gotten tired of being called God. So He invented a new name, ﷲ. When ﷲ had decided on that name, He/She/It dumped the new name in the worst possible location on Earth. That's right.... [[Arabia]]. The people didn't know what to think of such a scribbling as ﷲ, so they gave up and called God "Allah" instead. The people in the rest of the world were just as confused, and so by popular request God dropped the name and went back to being God. Oh well. Ironically, this was a thousand years after the יהוה debacle, in which God burped out another name nobody understood, and in which case the victims declared the name holy and started worshiping the name as an [[American Idol|idol]] and refusing to announce (denounce, pronounce, antinounce, whatever) it.
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While undeserved, God blamed [[Satan]] for these developments. God knew it was time for a new plan, and a new game.
   
=== Captain Omnipotent ===
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===Dreidel and the Jews===
[[Image:Captain Omnipotent.jpg|thumb|250px|right|God as his night-time alter ego, Captain Omnipotent.]]
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The ''Talmud'' and the ''Mishna'' both say the gambling game Dreidel was invented by the God-inspired Jew Mattathias. He used it to win back the Holy Temple and its souls in [[Jerusalem]] from King Antiochus IV Epiphanes in the 2nd Century B.C. The spinning dreidel is traditionally used by Jews for gambling during the celebration of Mattathias' victory called [[Hanukkah]] (Hebrew: חנוכה‎, pronounced [ˈקanuka], aka Chanukah. This religious holiday is described in detail in Rabbi Dr. Sinister Craven's book, ''Jewish Words that Make You Spit.'')
<blockquote>''Main article: [[Captain Omnipotent]]''</blockquote>
 
   
Unbeknowst to the general public, God has a secret, crime-fighting identity that he assumes during night-time, namely that of Captain Omnipotent, the most ridiciously overpowered superhero in the history of the omniverse. More of his doings as Captain Omnipotent may be read in its main article.
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Later when the Syrian-Greeks forbade Jews gambling because "they were too good at it," the Jews held secret Dreidel games<ref>The spinning dreidel is called teetotum in the shepherd's section of the ''[[Alice in Wonderland|Gospel According to Alice]]'' (Lewis Carroll translation). "'Are you a child or a teetotum?' the Sheep said, as she took up another pair of needles."</ref> that were disguised as [[Bible|Bible studies]]. As the famous Rabbi Akiva said, "Jews without dreidel are like fish without water."
   
=== DJ God ===
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===Bingo and the Pope===
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[[Bingo]] is actually the name of several different gambling games, all approved by God for the monetary benefit of His Church. All versions can be traced back to a lottery game called "Lo Giuoco del Lotto d'Italia" played in [[Italy]] in c.1530 (translated into English, the name means "clear out your bank account by playing the Italian lottery"). This was invented by Giulio di Giuliano de' Medici, which is why God named him [[Pope|Pope Clement VII]].
   
For tonight, God... is a DJ.
+
Later, Clement refused to give a divorce to [[King Henry VIII]] from his wife and step-sister Catherine of Aragon, who bore Henry daughters but no male heirs. Because of this, King Henry refused to let British people play Bingo, effectively taking away all God's English souls. God condemned Pope Clement VII for his lack of faith in God's sex-changing ability, and made the pope eat the lethal death cap mushroom. The British and their colonists in [[New Zealand]] and [[Australia]] later secretly revived the game as "Housey Housey."
Frankly this is not true.
 
God is not a disc jockey. Nor is he a musician, thespian of other performer of the public fine arts.
 
For God, tonight, or for any other part of any other day ... has no rhythm, or skills.. at all.
 
As far as [[talent]] goes god has the least in the acoustics department.
 
The reason why god is often confused with a DJ is due to some nasty and unbecoming similarities that DJ's seem to share with this omnipotent potentate. Like lots of DJ's God is, for example, a selfish, egocentric, uneducated, spoiled, vengeful,useless ,loudmouthed, whoring little twit. Apart from the similarities here stated it has to be recognized that most DJ's do , in fact, get over this period whilst god himself has not done so for millions of years ( however some ID supporters claim god has only been a spoiled brat for 6000 years ).
 
   
== Death ==
+
===Dice Games around the World===
Though 19th century philosopher Frederick [[Nietzsche]] vigorously declared God to be dead during his lifetime, the world's religious communities have strongly opposed the idea. Since Nietzsche wrote his iconic words, "God is Dead," forensic evidence has surfaced that refutes his claim.
+
[[Image:Goddoesplaydicefinaloj3.jpg|260px|thumb|right|Rare photo of God playing dice with several [[Albert Einstein|Albert Einsteins]]. Einstein used Relativity to duplicate himself at the Celestial Dice Game, thus breaking the "one person, one bet" rule and repeating God's mistake.]]
  +
The Relativity physicist [[Albert Einstein]] is famous for saying of God, "I, at any rate, am convinced that He does not throw dice." Unfortunately for Einstein and the world, [[Quantum mechanics]] (and the photo to the right) proved God does. The Lord has inspired people throughout the world to invent dozens of dice gambling games, including ''Crapaud'' or ''[[Craps]]'' (France), ''[[Yahtzee]]'' (America), ''Gluckshaus'' (Germany), ''Tablero da Gucci'' (Spain), ''Chō-Han Bakuchi'' (Japan), ''Crown and Anchor'' (Great Britain), and ''[[Mexico]]'' (Mexico). God and Satan themselves created dice gambling games, with Satan inventing ''Demon Dice'', and God making ''Cosmic Wimpout''.
   
Firstly comes the matter of Habeas Corpus, "Produce the Body." As of yet, no corpse has been found, despite a worldwide search for the body by Metropolitan Police forces and rural constabularies. No archaeologist or paleontologist has unearthed the corpse, despite its obvious size. A growing number of anti-religious geologists believe that the 1883 eruption of Krakatoa was caused by God's body falling into the Pacific after a flaming drop through the earth's atmosphere. This theory, however, is complete bullshit.
+
Satan and God won a virtually even number of bets and souls through these various dice games, until Satan took a definite lead in the later 20th century. Players began to tire of just throwing dice, so Satan created a game that added other tempting elements designed to win the souls of a multitude of players. In 1974, he invented a new kind of game that used dice, paper and pencil that was called [[Dungeons & Dragons]]. In spite of repeated warnings by God's prophets that this was a game designed to steal souls from God, the [[Roleplaying game|roleplaying game]] flourished. It quickly led to innumerable spinoffs such as ''Tunnels and Trolls, Vampire: The Masquerade, Toon, Traveller, GURPS, Paranoia'', and ''Munchkin and the Chainsaw of Bloody Dismemberment''.
   
Secondly, there are many first-hand witnesses to God's existence since the supposed death. God is often seen flying around the sky over Mexico. Many people, including the [[United States of America]]'s [[George W. Bush]], speak with God on a regular basis. God often tells them to do things, things which further God's causes but coincidentally further their own selfish goals. Funny, that.
+
==The Ultimate Competition: The Collaboration==
   
=== Why Does God Need a Starship? ===
+
Ultimately, God and Satan did something they had never done before: a collaboration. They invented the ''In Nomine'' roleplaying game where players take the side of God (Heaven) or Satan (Hell), and battle it out directly for each other's souls.<ref>The ultimate battle between God and Satan was the focus of the 2009 documentary, "Angels & Demons."</ref> The ultimate fate of God's power and the world's souls may well be decided here.
[[Image:Godatheists.jpg|thumb|left|Embarrassed by signs like these, God would eventually became an atheist.]]
 
Nietzsche was incorrect about the date of God's death, but he was correct that God would die. The approximate date of God's death is unknown, but it occurs well over 300 years in the future. The event has been dramatized in film in a movie called [[Star Trek]] V, The Final Frontier.
 
   
In the future, rogue Captain [[James T. Kirk]] will enter heaven, which looks strangely like the [[California]] desert. There, he meets God, who will tell him to take his ship, [[Enterprise]], on a holy crusade. Kirk boldly denounces God to his face with the words, "Why Does God Need a Starship?" This angers God, but Kirk tells his Klingon buddy Klaa, captaining a nearby Bird of Prey, to [[explode]] God. Two or three disruptor bolts, and it will all be over.
+
== Footnotes ==
  +
<small><references/></small>
   
=== Final Frontier Fallout ===
+
== See Also ==
The dramatization of God's death in The Final Frontier in [[1989]] caused a furor in the world's religious communities, sparking many religious debates. For months, sectarian violence wracked the world, with Final Frontierists holding high their banners, "Why Does God Need a Starship?" Most major religions suffered major schisms, resulting in pre-post-God-death religions, including:
+
*[[Devil]]
 
*'''Future Atheists''' believe that God exists now, but will be dead in the future. They practice their religions as normal, but have edited out parts of their religious texts which refer to God's eduring nature, such as the last part of the Lord's prayer, "...forever and ever, Amen."
 
 
*'''Celestial Monarchists''' believe that since God was the basis of European medieval monarchies, he is the ultimate Lord. As such, when he dies, Jesus will take the throne, thus continuing the royal line. What worries most Celestial Monarchists is that Jesus was unable to sire an heir...
 
 
*'''Klaaists''' believe that because [[Klingon]] Commander Klaa destroys God, he becomes God. They have translated the Bible into Klingon, and can be seen outside Star Trek conventions obnoxiously ringing tambourines and asking for money.
 
 
== Proof of God's identity ==
 
 
 
[[Image:God?.jpg|thumb|320px|An alleged sighting of God on his month off, Mexican Heritage Month]]
 
God can be proved to exist using [[Lo Pan's Razor]], or by using [[Thomas Aquinas|Thomas Aquinas']] [[logic]]. Just pick one of these syllogisms:
 
 
<code>
 
[[Nobody]] is perfect,<br />
 
Perfect is God only;<br />
 
Therefore, God is Nobody.<br />
 
Therefore, He does not exist.
 
</code>
 
 
 
or
 
<code>
 
God is love.<br />
 
Love is blind.<br />
 
[[Ray Charles]] is blind.<br />
 
Therefore, Ray Charles is God.<br />
 
</code>
 
 
or
 
 
<code>
 
I stink, therefore I am,<br />
 
Thus the less you stink the less real you are.<br />
 
Cleanliness is next to godliness;<br />
 
The cleaner you are the less you stink,<br />
 
Therefore God doesn't exist.<br />
 
</code>
 
 
<code>
 
Having a wet dream is having a sexy dream<br />
 
Not remembering your dream is not having a dream<br />
 
Therefore, God gave you a handjob for being good.<br />
 
</code>
 
 
and then there is the infamous [[babel fish]] controversy, but that will be explained in the [[babel fish]] article
 
 
==God and the Destruction of PTI==
 
After the Smeltdown of '79 occurred at [[PTI]], several theories came about as to why and how the smeltdown happened. One of these theories claims that God, in all his power, glory, wisdom, strength, amazingness, raw awesome, foresight, almighty splendor and glory smote [[PTI]] and made it look like an accident. [[Idiots|Some people]] discredit this theory, claiming God is a hoax. Others claim he would never do such a thing. The police tried to bring God in for questioning, but they could not get a hold of him.
 
 
==Other Uses for God==
 
History has seen some truly innovative uses for God.
 
 
== God as cereal ==
 
<center><YouTube>uhtHzTwKufA&feature=channel_page</YouTube></center>Apparently some people find that God may be reincarnated into a box of cereal hidden in a grocery store somewhere. This was started by Kellogg's dumbshit marketing, claiming that God's word could be still be heard in a bowl of [[Rice Krispies]]. As proof, the [[pope]] was hired to eat a bowl of cereal with holy water in place of milk. After he choked death, Kellogg claimed that God had claimed his life and sent him to heaven. Each box of Kellogg brand cereal has a little figurine of the virgin Mary in it.
 
 
====God as a Rhetorical Device====
 
In the art of rhetoric or debate, citing God's will is the ultimate trump card. However, this is generally considered equivalent to playing "nuclear bomb" or "supernova" in a game of rock-paper-scissors, or hitting the restart button during a multiplayer video game. The use of God is now heavily discouraged and is viewed as poor sportsmanship.
 
 
==References in popular culture==
 
*In an episode of [[Lost (TV series)|Lost]], Jack at one point utters the phrase "Oh God" under his breath.
 
 
==See also==
 
*[[Chiyo Mihama]]
 
*[[Arceus]]
 
*[[The lame version of the God article]]
 
*[[God/Unused]]
 
*[[Unquotable:God|Quotes from God]]
 
*[[Making up God quotes]]
 
*[[HowTo:Find God|Find God]]
 
 
*[[Existence of God]]
 
*[[Existence of God]]
*[[God V. Nietzsche]]
+
*[[Gambling]]
  +
*[[God V. Nietzsche]]
  +
*[[iGod]]
  +
*[[Jesus]]
  +
*[[Moses]]
  +
*[[Muhammad]]
 
*[[Playing God]]
 
*[[Playing God]]
*[[Sosuke Aizen]]
+
*[[Satan]]
*[[iGod]]
 
*[[UnNews:God Sick of all the Whining|God Sick Of All The Whining]]
 
*[[UnScripts:Who built the moon‎]]
 
   
==Notes==
+
{{start box}}
<references />
 
   
{{start box}}
+
{{succession box|before=[[Nothing]] '''(∞ —4004 BC)'''|title=Supreme Authoriter of [[Everything|All Things]]|years=4004 BC—2004 AD|after=[[Flying Spaghetti Monster]] '''(2004 AD—present)'''}}
{{succession box|
 
|title=[[The Official List of the Best Things in Existence|Best Thing in Existence]]
 
|years=[[Beginning of Time]] — [[End of Time]]
 
|before=[[Nothing]]
 
|after=[[Everything]]
 
|}}
 
 
{{end box}}
 
{{end box}}
   
{{start box}}
 
   
{{succession box|before=[[Nothing]] '''(∞ —13 billion BCE)'''|title=Supreme Authoriter of [[Everything|All Things]]|years=13 billion BCE—2004CE|after=[[Flying Spaghetti Monster]] '''(2004CE—present)'''}}
+
{{CRLH}}
   
{{end box}}
 
 
{{CRLH}}
 
{{FA|date=18 April 2005|revision=32172}}
 
   
 
{{greek gods templates}}
 
{{greek gods templates}}
   
==External links==
+
{{VFH}}
*[http://members.tripod.com/~godspage/godspage.htm God's Own Webpage]
 
*[http://www.godhatesfigs.com/ God hates Figs]
 
*[http://www.godhatesshrimp.com/ God hates Shrimp]
 
*[http://www.arnoldspeaks.com/2006/11/oh-god.html Arnold Schwarzenegger Hates God]
 
*why are you looking at me??? i not god <insert shifty eyes>
 
*Haven's Corner's Church
 
   
  +
{{FA|date=18 April 2005|revision=32172}}
 
[[Category:Blasphemous]]
 
[[Category:Blasphemous]]
 
[[Category:Religion]]
 
[[Category:Religion]]
Line 174: Line 170:
 
[[Category:Things that don't exist]]
 
[[Category:Things that don't exist]]
 
[[Category:Nonexistent]]
 
[[Category:Nonexistent]]
 
   
 
[[nl:God]]
 
[[nl:God]]

Revision as of 02:05, August 19, 2009

HelixNebula
God is watching your team lose. He's gonna send somebody around to collect later.
“God is dead.”
~ Nietzsche on God, 1882
“You bet He is!”
~ Satan on God, 1886
“Nietzsche is dead. Guess who won that bet?”
~ God on Nietzsche, 1900

God (who also goes by the aliases Yahweh, Allah and Jehovah to evade debt collectors) is the supreme Holy Lord. He is perhaps best known for creating all of existence, with the exception of Himself, unicorns, the Loch Ness Monster, Big Foot, and Devil's food cake. He is burdened with the unfathomable responsibility of sustaining the vital equilibria that allow life to continue, such as answering prayers, starting wars, ending wars and making stars twinkle. Despite this responsibility, God Himself shoehorns these important tasks into the corner whenever an important sports game or horse race is on, as He is the universe's most notorious compulsive gambler.

The First Bet and Creation of the Universe

Just before Creation, on the night preceding 23 October 4004 B.C., God was sitting at a non-existent table playing a non-existent game of poker with several other non-existent deities. After losing a bundle in the Celestial Poker Game, Satan, aka the Devil aka Monty, bet God that He (God) couldn't gather more souls than he (Satan) could. God, being a notorious gambler, instantly took the bet, and the deal was done. According to an account by Archbishop James Ussher, 17th century Primate of All Ireland, this was widely thought to be a "sucker's bet" as there were no souls to be had. The best God could do would be a tie (0 souls to 0 souls), which by the nature of the bet would mean a loss for Him. But the inveterate gambler God went to work creating a universe in which said souls could exist and be gathered.

In just six days, God created the heaven and the earth, sun and moon, stars, puppies, kittens, death cap mushrooms and fake dinosaur bones. On the seventh day, God rested in order to watch football as He had a tenner on the big game. Satan, on the other hand, got busy collecting souls. This is why Satan still leads the bet to this day, and why sports teams never pray to him. It's also why Godly people never capitalize his pronouns.

The First People: Adam & Eve

Durer Adam and Eve s
Adam and his sister-mate Eve. From the 16th century The Cover-Up by Albrecht Durer.

God created the first man Adam from the dust of the ground mixed with God's spittle, and placed him in a magical garden in Eden, Nevada (now known as Las Vegas, Nevada). Satan hedged his bet by making a woman, telling God "prancing about a garden all day gets kind of boring." But God discovered Lilith was soulless, so He denied her existence, kicked her out of the Garden, and made Eve.

God then bet Satan that he couldn't get Adam and his sex-changed cloned sister Eve to eat the fruit of the tree of knowledge. To protect His bet, God had previously told Adam, "thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die." (Gen. 2:17). This became known as the First Divine Lie.

Satan, on the other hand, told the always-naked siblings the naked Truth. He said, "Ye shall not surely die: For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil." (Gen. 3:4-5). At the prospect of becoming gods, the naked Adam and Eve could no longer suppress their primal urges. They started eating the fruit like vicious wild animals. This became known as the First Dinner Party.

God was so furious at losing the bet, He blasted the garden into desert. Still furious, He ripped off Satan's arms and legs. But Satan survived, saying, "It's only a flesh wound." Satan slithered off, becoming the first serpent and gaining the nickname "Monty Python." Because of His actions, God became the first Crime Boss.

Having eaten from the tree of knowledge, Adam and Eve became aware of certain things. For one thing, they noticed that the genitals God had given them were "fucking ugly." They promptly used fig leaves to cover up. They also discovered that God had already created humans in Genesis 1, so they weren't really the first people after all. Upon pointing this out to God, they were promptly banished from the Garden forever "for being smart-arses." God gave them rabbit skin coats as a parting gift, and sent them to New Jersey.

The brother and sister didn't die that day as God had said, but lived for hundreds of years. Following Satan's promise, they declared themselves God and Goddess. They founded Atlantic City, created the Mormon religion, moved to Utah, practiced group marriage with their offspring and beget like, well, rabbits. This became known as polygamy and incest. In their spare time, they founded civilization. This became known as a mistake.

But God didn't bothered to look for them and learn what they were doing, as He went back to betting on football.

God Starts To Lose, Decides To Flood World

1537 years later, God was still watching the Angels vs Devils football game, when it went to its first ad break. God took this opportunity to make a bet with Satan over who would score the next goal. However, when He looked round, He realised that Satan wasn't there, but was off collecting souls. This was bad news, as it meant God would surely lose the ancient bet. It was time for drastic action.

ThinkerToilet
God asks Himself, "Hmm, what could I use to create a flood?"

God decided that the only thing He could do now was to kill off all of creation. This way, Satan would not be able to gather any more souls and increase his lead. Unfortunately, God was quite keen on some of the animals He had made, especially the puppies and kittens, and did not want to destroy them. He was also quite fond of the Noah bloke who ran the betting shop in Arc, Israel.[1] So God had to think of a plan to save Noah of Arc, his wife Joan of Arc, and their family whilst leaving the rest to die.

How this was done is detailed in the apocryphal Generations 2:3-9 (Brother Goose translation): "And God, in his infinite wisdom, said, 'Noah, build an ark. A really big one. Like, bloody massive.' Noah did so, and God saw that it was good. Then God instructed Noah to find two of every animal and put them on the ark, with the words 'I'll bet you £10 I can find the unicorns first!' Tragically, God feared Satan would gather all human souls before all the animals could be gathered, so God made the heavens release a downpour before he could find two unicorns. The rainy spell lasted 40 days and 40 nights. This created a great flood when the rainwater backed up the sewers. The weatherman, who had predicted a barbeque summer, said he 'felt like a right twit.' Then he drowned."

God's Greatest Prophets

Job

Many generations after Noah, a man named Job, who was faithful to God, became a highly successful rancher in the land of Uz. One day God bet Satan that Job wouldn't curse God even if he lost his ranch, wealth, health, wife, children, and got some really nasty boils. Satan, who still missed his limbs, wanted no part of it. But God became so furious, Satan feared another flood. So Satan relented, but pleaded for Job, saying, "Behold, all that he hath is in Thy power; only upon himself put not forth Thy hand (you schmuck)" (Job 1:12).

God followed through with his threat and his bet. Job, who like Satan feared for the world, said, "Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return thither: the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD." (Job 1:21). God knew that Job yelled His name in sarcasm and anger (and believed God was a schmuck), but didn't care because He won the bet.

Abraham, Sarah and Lot

Lincoln-guitar
Portrait of Abraham, used on the cover of the Rolling Stones album "Sympathy for the Devil."

Following God's success with Job, and His failure to win all souls through Adam and his cloned-sister Eve, God made a new plan. He now focused on creating souls through Abraham and his half-sister Sarah. Satan had said the couple, 100-year-old Abraham and 90-year-old Sarah, were too old to have children. So God bet against the Devil. He then dressed a baby in sheep's clothing, and snuck him in while Satan wasn't looking. God laughed at Satan and called the baby "Isaac," which is Jewish for "laughter." Scripture scholars later called God's act a "miracle," which is Jewish for "cheating."

Then God almost destroyed His own plan due to His compulsive gambling. God made a bet with Satan that Abraham wouldn't sacrifice his only son (actually, his only son who wasn't a bastard--God was cheating again) just because God told him to. The betrayed and confused Abraham, who still thought Isaac was a sheep, was about to axe his son. But the sympathetic Satan intervened, and willingly lost the bet by dressing up a sheep as Isaac and giving it to Abraham to sacrifice instead.[2]

God later destroyed the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah, where Abraham's nephew Lot lived, because their casinos refused to give God a percentage of their profits. Also they had legalized homosexuality. God hated homosexuality because it produced no souls for God to win.

But God spared Lot because of the gambling game called Casting Lot. This involved rolling or casting Lot out the back door, and betting on whether he would land face up or face down.[3]

God increased His odds by convincing Abraham to marry many women and to buy several concubines or prostitute slaves. God also improved His chances following the death of Lot's wife. He talked Lot's daughters into getting their father drunk with Carmel Kayoumi Shiraz wine, and then having sex with, and getting pregnant by, their father. Both of these acts gave inveterate gambler God more souls to win.

Moses

Moses with tablet
Moses right before he dropped one of the two tablets.

God mercilessly brought plagues and death on the great Satan-created Empire of Egypt. To protect what Satan still had in Egypt, he let God's Holy Moses steal thousands of Israeli souls. Later, Moses saw a vision of God after inhaling the fumes from a burning bush. Moses was high on a mountain for 40 days and 40 nights while God carved Ten Commandments on two stone tablets, which He gave to Moses. One was the Tablet of Commandments, and the other was the Tablet of Explanations. Unfortunately, Moses was still under the influence, and dropped the explanation tablet.

Fortunately, Rabbi Dr. Sinister Craven also inhaled, and was able to recreate them for his book The Burning Bush and Other Trips. The restored 10 Commandments and their explanations (marked with *) are below:

I I am the Lord thy God. Thou shalt have no other gods nor sacrifice to idols *for I want all the winnings myself.
II Thou shalt not use the name of thy Lord in Vain *for I am wanted in Vain for owing back taxes.
III Remember the Sabbath and keep it holy *by bringing My percentage to the temple.
IV Honor they father and mother *for I am both.
V Thou shalt not murder *unless I tellest thou to.
VI Thou shalt not commit adultery *unless thou askest really nicely. Polygamy and group marriage are fine.
VII Thou shalt not steal *unless it be for My profit.
VIII Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor *unless it be for My profit.
IX Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife *until I have a chance with her first.
X Thou shalt not covet anything that belongs to thy neighbor, including his ass *unless thou canst win it in a game.[4]

Jesus Arrives, God Enters North America

Main article: Original Jesus
Wet tshirt muschis
The Angels Cheerleading Squad lines up for the Gridiron national anthem. Bet you're glad it was raining that day.

God spent several thousand years watching and betting on football (nations who follow Satan called it soccer). Then, suddenly, God became bored. According to Reverend James Dobson in his book Focus on the Football, this was due to the season finally ending after all the players collapsed. The Book of Gridiron 1:3-5, says, "And it came to pass in those days that the multitude of football players were greatly exhausted, and did fall unto the ground as if dead. For the time and the season for football was without end, for in those days there was no player's union. And these are the teams and their names: the Angels and the Devils, for there were but two teams."

During the off season, which was March 25, 0005 B.C., God decided to re-examine the rest of His creation. Looking through the Angels Cheerleading Squad, God felt an unfamiliar feeling, which he called "Love." He immediately claimed He had created it, and called Himself "The God of Love." (Satan had actually created it 4,000 years before, calling it "Sex" and himself, "Hot Stuff.") God noticed one cheerleader in particular, primarily because she was the squad's only virgin. She was a girl between the ages of 12 and 16 and, according to Reverend Loveshade, God found her "pretty tasty." Her name was Mary Virginia Lolita Davidson Josephwife, for she was betrothed to a carpenter named Joseph. God ignored the ring on her finger, and wooed her in the traditional Godly way - with a heavenly light and an invitation by an Angel followed by dinner and a movie.[5] He also tricked her into drinking two bottles of Carmel Kayoumi Shiraz wine, claiming it was "holy water." Once the Virgin Mary was chastely drunk, God has His way with her.

Unfortunately, all did not go as God planned. For Satan had secretly poked a wholly hidden hole in God's Holy Protection, so that the Lord would have to take responsibility for His own actions. As a result, a few months later the supposedly Virgin Mary was found to be "great with child." It was obvious to Joseph that Mary had committed adultery. So to cover, God sent a member of the Angels team to appear to Joseph in a dream. The Angel said, "Joseph, thou son of David, fear not to take unto thee Mary thy wife: for that which is conceived in her is of the Holy Ghost. Also, couldst thou sparest some money for a cab?"[6] (Matthew 1:20). Thus God passed the blame for His adultery and statutory rape on His imaginary undead twin.

Troll doll
In-the-womb photo of Baby Jesus between his/her transition from female to male. Note the royalty-signifying purple hair.
God then made a bet with Satan on the sex and name of the child. God bet half His soul collection and the valuable continent of South America, while the more cautious Satan wagered half his souls and the virtually worthless continent of North America.

God followed the advice of one of His prophets, and bet the child would be a boy named "Emmanuel" (Matthew 1:23). Then God secretly went to check that the foetus was a boy. When he discovered it wasn't, He was quite worried for a moment, until He remembered He was God. He reversed His trick of making the female Eve from the male Adam, changing one of the infant's X chromosomes to a Y. To further hide His deception, God told the keeper at the Ramada Inn to claim it was full, so God's son was born in a manger inside a small cave. God faced another problem when, on the eighth day after the infant transsexual's birth, Mary and Joseph called him "Jesus." God quickly claimed "Jesus" was just Puerto Rican for "Emmanuel" (it wasn't, but Satan didn't know this because he'd never been allowed in South America), and won the bet.

God was delighted that he now had His own little son to do with as he wished, and started referring to Himself as "God the Father."

The Temptation Bet and The Crucifixion

By Jewish tradition, at age 30 Jesus was recognized as an "elder" (Jewish for "big-headed"). He entered the desert to fast for 40 days and nights. Rev. G. Zussiz-Lawd said this was for "personal reasons no one can explain." But Rabbi Dr. Sinister Craven gave an explanation in his book, Don't Ever Bet Against God Because He'll Cheat. "Don't expect a goy Gentile to understand Jews. Moses the Lawgiver fasted on the mountain 40 days and nights to receive the 10 Commandments. It rained for 40 days and nights on Noah of Arc who organized the first floating zoo. So that copycat Jesus? Don't ask me anymore about Jesus."

God saw this as a great opportunity for a bet with Satan, and the deal was done. If Satan could persuade Jesus to use his godly powers, God had to hand over all His souls. If Jesus didn't use his powers, Satan had to hand over all his.

Satan began by trying to convince Jesus that he could turn a rock into bread to satisfy his hunger. Jesus didn't do it. Satan then brought Jesus to the top of a tall mountain, and told him that everything he saw could be his, if he bowed down and worshiped Satan. Jesus didn't do it. Finally, Satan brought Jesus to the roof of a temple, and told him to jump off, and test God. Again, Jesus didn't do it.

Albrecht Altdorfer 016
God the Father, Son and Holy Ghost gambling in the first game of "Simon (Satan) Says." They all lost.

Satan, humiliated by his defeat, agreed to give all his souls to God. He secretly marveled at how controlled and strong-willed Jesus was. However, there was something he didn't know. While Jesus was in the desert, God had secretly been feeding him mutton, Carmel Kayoumi Shiraz wine, Fig Newtons, gebinah cheese and soup with Matzah balls. So Jesus had had no need for stony bread. God had also given Jesus arthritis, so he couldn't bow down to Satan. And also Jesus had vertigo. Naturally, God neglected to mention these when He tried to collect His winnings. God was about to win the ancient bet. But at the last moment, Satan noticed that the robe of the supposedly starving Jesus had a mustard stain, and Jesus had a bit of catsup in his beard. The bet was off.

But God did not give up. He felt sure His son would continue his father's deceptive ways when Jesus said, "I am Christ, and shall deceive many." (Mark 13:6). Although to protect His bet, God did sternly remind His son that his name was in fact Jesus, not Christ. But Jesus soon realized his own father had given him arthritis and vertigo in order to win a bet. Jesus' friends Peter, Paul and Mary said, "Physician, heal thyself," and he did so. He then distanced himself from his Father God.

Jesus declared himself "King of the Jews," and began telling people, "I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me." (John 14:6). God believed His son was trying to get a monopoly of souls, leaving God the Father with nothing. So God the Father sent His consigliere Judas to betray him, and Jesus was executed on the cross.

This proved to be a cunning move. God the Father raised Jesus from the dead, created and sent his previously imaginary twin the Holy Ghost to convert more disciples, and thus became a Trinity of Gods. This increased His power and gave Himself three seats at the Celestial Poker Game.

Muhammad and the One Bet Rule

GOD!!!!
God--Allah--revealed Himself to his greatest prophet, saying, "Muhammad, I'm betting on you."

Unfortunately for God, the plan to always have three seats at the Celestial Poker Game backfired. He was continually betting against two players as good as He was, because He was betting against Himselves. Even if He won a hand, He'd still lose, and lose twice--and the version of Himself who won would have to split the winnings with two others. God decided it was time to end the Trinity forever.

He came up with a better plan than using the cave-born, supposed-son-of-a-carpenter Jesus who called himself a shepherd. God would find a real shepherd who had no father. At the beginning of the Seventh Century A.D., He found what He wanted: an orphaned Arabic sheep herder named Muhammad ibn ‘Abdullāh (also spelled Muhammad Ali).

Just as He had convinced Jesus to abandon his job as a carpenter in Nazareth to go into the wilderness, God convinced Muhammad to leave his life as a shepherd in Mecca and retreat to a cave in the surrounding mountains for meditation and reflection. According to Islamic beliefs it was here, at age 40, in the month of Ramadan, where Muhammad received his first revelation. This was delivered by a member of the Angel's team who was sent by "Allah" (God referred to Himself as Allah so He'd sound Arabic).

According to the Qur'an, the revelation given by Angel Jibreel (Gabriel) was:

"There is no God but Allah. Heed His words, for here they be:
You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em,
Know when to walk away and know when to run.
You never count your money when you're sittin' at the table.
There'll be time enough for countin' when the dealin's done."[7].
Woman walking in Afghanistan
Muslim woman sneaking away from the Ramada Inn to try out for the Devils Cheerleading Squad (note the shamefully exposed feet).

The cave near Mecca where Muhammad stayed was, according to God's plan, the same one where Jesus was born. This became known as the Ramada Inn and Gambling Casino. This was the first establishment to follow Allah's new rule of "one person, one bet." As one of the Five Pilars of Islam, Muslims are expected to travel there once in their lifetime. There they ask forgiveness for past sins, pray for guidance and help in refraining from everyday evils, and try to purify themselves through self-restraint and good deeds. They then spend the rest of their time there gambling away their life savings and their souls.

But according to the Qur'an, if they lose their souls to Allah, Muslims of either sex will be rewarded in Heaven with a huge mansion, 80,000 servants, and 72 beautiful, willing virgins. Islam quickly became God's most popular religion, and Muhammad God's most successful prophet.

Unfortunately for God, Satan intervened. Following the death of Muhammad, he convinced a number of Muslims to "free the souls of the infidels" so God would lose them[8]. He also reinterpreted Qur'an, so that instead of God's women having full rights, respect and recognition, they had to cover themselves in shame and do whatever men told them[9]. Satan actually intended to free women's souls and encourage them to escape from God's tyranny, but the plan backfired.

Writing in A Jew's Guide to Islam and Other Imitations, Rabbi Dr. Sinister Craven wrote, "Muhammad? He claims he sees God at age 40? Again with the 40 thing. Don't ask me any more about Muhammad and goy gambling. Why can't we play a nice game of Dreidel?"

God, Satan and Sports

Main article: Sports

With the invention of the printing press, people could now read the holy books for themselves instead of being told by priests, "It all makes sense. Trust us." Many now realized how foolish religion really was. So the eternal struggle for souls between God and Satan moved back to where it began: Sports.

Team Sports

Team sports were specifically designed by God for winning souls and bets. As non-sports fans have observed, the games are utterly boring unless one bets on a particular team. According to housewife Alice Crabtree, "Take American football. Every game is the same. One guy hikes the ball. The quarterback gets it or he doesn't. If he does, he tries to run or throw. If he runs, he either makes a touchdown or he doesn't. If he throws, the receiver either catches it or he doesn't. If the receiver catches it, he either makes a touchdown or he doesn't. Boring! Unless, of course, you've got a tenner on the game."

God invented American football, baseball, basketball, cricket, field hockey, ice hockey, polo, and underwater paintball. These sports are an imitation of war, and are all about violence.

Figure on beam (back)
Women's gymnastics is a mockery of God. Here a gymnast disrespectfully flashes God while making the sign of the cross.

Individual Sports

Satan, on the other hand, tried to win bets and souls by creating individual sports that were interesting to watch. This was primarily because participants wore skin tight, skimpy costumes. These included women's gymnastics, men's gymnastics, figure skating, bodybuilding, women's gymastics, cycling, surfing, swimming, diving, and women's gymnastics. These sports are imitations of love, and are all about sex.

Horse Racing

God's violent team sports won Him more money, but Satan's good-looking sports won him more souls. As the primary bet between God and Satan was for souls not cash, this was bad for the Lord.

But God did not give up. He decided to create a sport focused directly on betting itself. Thus He invented horseracing. As Eddie the Bookie wrote in his book, Bet or Die, "Watching horses run in circles over and over and over again is incredibly boring. Everyone who goes to a horse race has to make bets just to keep themselves awake. Fall asleep, and you fall off the stands and get trampled to death." The odds were so bad that gamblers would end up with nothing to bet but their souls.

God seemed destined to finally win over Satan. But He soon learned that the Devil was no longer His only competition.

God and Gambling in Different Cultures

Godisbad
God once bet Satan He could stop a car heading for Atlantic City without touching the road or the car.

Atlantic City and Monte Carlo

God faced serious competition for souls and gamblers. In America, the Adam-and-Eve-created Atlantic City began drawing more gamblers than God the Father's Las Vegas. The sibling god and goddess also drew more and more souls to their Mormon Church (more properly called The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. As "saints' means "souls," the name is a direct mockery of the original God).

Meanwhile, Adam's ousted first wife Lilith convinced Charles Honoré Grimaldi to declare himself King Charles III and create Monte Carlo in Monaco. This city beat God's Las Vegas as the Gambling Capitol of the World. (The name "Monte Carlo" translates in English to Lilith's favorite Monacan activity, which is to "Mount Charles.")

While undeserved, God blamed Satan for these developments. God knew it was time for a new plan, and a new game.

Dreidel and the Jews

The Talmud and the Mishna both say the gambling game Dreidel was invented by the God-inspired Jew Mattathias. He used it to win back the Holy Temple and its souls in Jerusalem from King Antiochus IV Epiphanes in the 2nd Century B.C. The spinning dreidel is traditionally used by Jews for gambling during the celebration of Mattathias' victory called Hanukkah (Hebrew: חנוכה‎, pronounced [ˈקanuka], aka Chanukah. This religious holiday is described in detail in Rabbi Dr. Sinister Craven's book, Jewish Words that Make You Spit.)

Later when the Syrian-Greeks forbade Jews gambling because "they were too good at it," the Jews held secret Dreidel games[10] that were disguised as Bible studies. As the famous Rabbi Akiva said, "Jews without dreidel are like fish without water."

Bingo and the Pope

Bingo is actually the name of several different gambling games, all approved by God for the monetary benefit of His Church. All versions can be traced back to a lottery game called "Lo Giuoco del Lotto d'Italia" played in Italy in c.1530 (translated into English, the name means "clear out your bank account by playing the Italian lottery"). This was invented by Giulio di Giuliano de' Medici, which is why God named him Pope Clement VII.

Later, Clement refused to give a divorce to King Henry VIII from his wife and step-sister Catherine of Aragon, who bore Henry daughters but no male heirs. Because of this, King Henry refused to let British people play Bingo, effectively taking away all God's English souls. God condemned Pope Clement VII for his lack of faith in God's sex-changing ability, and made the pope eat the lethal death cap mushroom. The British and their colonists in New Zealand and Australia later secretly revived the game as "Housey Housey."

Dice Games around the World

Goddoesplaydicefinaloj3
Rare photo of God playing dice with several Albert Einsteins. Einstein used Relativity to duplicate himself at the Celestial Dice Game, thus breaking the "one person, one bet" rule and repeating God's mistake.

The Relativity physicist Albert Einstein is famous for saying of God, "I, at any rate, am convinced that He does not throw dice." Unfortunately for Einstein and the world, Quantum mechanics (and the photo to the right) proved God does. The Lord has inspired people throughout the world to invent dozens of dice gambling games, including Crapaud or Craps (France), Yahtzee (America), Gluckshaus (Germany), Tablero da Gucci (Spain), Chō-Han Bakuchi (Japan), Crown and Anchor (Great Britain), and Mexico (Mexico). God and Satan themselves created dice gambling games, with Satan inventing Demon Dice, and God making Cosmic Wimpout.

Satan and God won a virtually even number of bets and souls through these various dice games, until Satan took a definite lead in the later 20th century. Players began to tire of just throwing dice, so Satan created a game that added other tempting elements designed to win the souls of a multitude of players. In 1974, he invented a new kind of game that used dice, paper and pencil that was called Dungeons & Dragons. In spite of repeated warnings by God's prophets that this was a game designed to steal souls from God, the roleplaying game flourished. It quickly led to innumerable spinoffs such as Tunnels and Trolls, Vampire: The Masquerade, Toon, Traveller, GURPS, Paranoia, and Munchkin and the Chainsaw of Bloody Dismemberment.

The Ultimate Competition: The Collaboration

Ultimately, God and Satan did something they had never done before: a collaboration. They invented the In Nomine roleplaying game where players take the side of God (Heaven) or Satan (Hell), and battle it out directly for each other's souls.[11] The ultimate fate of God's power and the world's souls may well be decided here.

Footnotes

  1. Not to mention that Noah still owed Him money from their last wager.
  2. It helps to remember that all this swapping babies and sheep occurred before the invention of eyeglasses.
  3. "Casting Lot" was a precursor to both flipping coins and dice games.
  4. The 10th Commandment led to the phrase, "you bet your ass."
  5. Taking Mary to a movie may not seem impressive until you remember that in those days movies didn't exist.
  6. Why did the Angel ask for cab fair? It's a long ride back to Heaven.
  7. These holy words of scripture were later put to music by Don Schlitz and performed by Kenny Rogers. The song's title was one of the most holy names of God, "The Gambler."
  8. Satan intended the infidels to be freed from slavery to God, not to be slain. Satan deeply regrets the misunderstanding, and encourages all who suffered the loss of family members to send a request for remuneration to Focus on the Family in Colorado Springs, Colorado.
  9. Satan deeply regrets the misunderstanding. He desires to free all women from God's tyranny, and encourages them to uncover themselves and apply for the Devils Cheerleading Squad.
  10. The spinning dreidel is called teetotum in the shepherd's section of the Gospel According to Alice (Lewis Carroll translation). "'Are you a child or a teetotum?' the Sheep said, as she took up another pair of needles."
  11. The ultimate battle between God and Satan was the focus of the 2009 documentary, "Angels & Demons."

See Also

Preceded by:
'Nothing (∞ —4004 BC)'
Supreme Authoriter of All Things
4004 BC—2004 AD
Succeeded by:
'Flying Spaghetti Monster (2004 AD—present)'



The Christio-Religio Ladderal Hiearchy
CRLHladders Top Rung, the Holy Trinity: God, Jesus, & the Holy Spirit, opposed by Satan

Middle Rung, the Holy Triforce: Jeez, & The Holy Ghost, opposed by Stan
After a few drinks: Daddyo, Laddyo, & The Spook
Bottom Rung, the Holy Tripod: Gah, Jesús, & the Holy Rock, opposed by Santa
Fell off the Ladder: Goo, Jazz, and Hollywood, opposed by Stalin


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