God

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

(Difference between revisions)
Jump to: navigation, search
(no need to fix what isn't broken. "Novelisation" is the BrE spelling.)
(Fine, Reginmund, but what's with the brackets around the 'b'?)
Line 12: Line 12:
 
[[Image:Lightning-with-streamers.jpg|thumb|150px|God is seen [[Smite|smiting]] a particularly wicked [[tree]]. It is not known if [[Nietzsche]] was standing under the tree at the time, but he might have been.]]
 
[[Image:Lightning-with-streamers.jpg|thumb|150px|God is seen [[Smite|smiting]] a particularly wicked [[tree]]. It is not known if [[Nietzsche]] was standing under the tree at the time, but he might have been.]]
   
'''God''' (born ''Herschel Godstein'') is a fictional character in the long-running soap opera novelisation, [[Bible|The Holy Bi[b]le]]. Unfortunately, in order to spice up the sometimes dull story, the editors re-cut the footage to make him seem like a total asshole. He was elected to be our god for the 6000th year running this year, barely beating the Egyptian sun god Ra, Omnipotent [[Odin]], and the Almighty [[Zeus]] (still recovering from alcoholism). He is also [[dog]] spelled backwards. It has not been widely reported, but a majority of the most prominent leaders among dogs proclaim that this is a good reason for them to be all-powerful on earth. It's just a matter of spelling, after all. As of the 3rd Qtr of 2005, the [[Republican Party]] claimed the largest share of ownership of God. It should be noted that God has been under the investigation of the [[SEC]] several times, because of the attempted claiming of two dependents, a supposed "Holy Spirit" and a "Son", who have never been seen by authorities. However, God has made the argument that as they exist on the same plane as himself, he can list them as dependents if he "damn well pleases".
+
'''God''' (born ''Herschel Godstein'') is a fictional character in the long-running soap opera novelisation, [[Bible|The Holy Bible]]. Unfortunately, in order to spice up the sometimes dull story, the editors re-cut the footage to make him seem like a total asshole. He was elected to be our god for the 6000th year running this year, barely beating the Egyptian sun god Ra, Omnipotent [[Odin]], and the Almighty [[Zeus]] (still recovering from alcoholism). He is also [[dog]] spelled backwards. It has not been widely reported, but a majority of the most prominent leaders among dogs proclaim that this is a good reason for them to be all-powerful on earth. It's just a matter of spelling, after all. As of the 3rd Qtr of 2005, the [[Republican Party]] claimed the largest share of ownership of God. It should be noted that God has been under the investigation of the [[SEC]] several times, because of the attempted claiming of two dependents, a supposed "Holy Spirit" and a "Son", who have never been seen by authorities. However, God has made the argument that as they exist on the same plane as himself, he can list them as dependents if he "damn well pleases".
 
God is also the father of [[Jesus]] (born Jesusathan John-Madonna), the famous actor who made many cameos in [[South Park]] and made a brief appearance in year 0 for a red-carpet appearance for SPEECH ON THE MOUNTAIN: THE MOVIE where he was brutally murdered by rampaging Romans. His co-star, Judas, famously masqueraded as a Roman to get away safely. Jesus' fan club never forgave him.
 
God is also the father of [[Jesus]] (born Jesusathan John-Madonna), the famous actor who made many cameos in [[South Park]] and made a brief appearance in year 0 for a red-carpet appearance for SPEECH ON THE MOUNTAIN: THE MOVIE where he was brutally murdered by rampaging Romans. His co-star, Judas, famously masqueraded as a Roman to get away safely. Jesus' fan club never forgave him.
   

Revision as of 18:58, December 28, 2007

Template:Finding God

God2 THOU ART UNWORTHY
You are Not Worthy to view this article. Your Mortal Eyes Will Omit Some Parts of it that are only intended for God Himself.
Spanish inquisition BLASPHEMY!!!

God hath declared ye article BLASPHEMOUS!!!.
It shall be deleted and its author shall be smitten immediately. Thus spaketh the Lord.

Do something about ye problem or else we shall be forced to bring out...the comfy chair! Duh-duh-duh!

Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Flying Spaghetti Monster?


Bouncywikilogo8
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article very remotely related to God.
Lightning-with-streamers

God is seen smiting a particularly wicked tree. It is not known if Nietzsche was standing under the tree at the time, but he might have been.

God (born Herschel Godstein) is a fictional character in the long-running soap opera novelisation, The Holy Bible. Unfortunately, in order to spice up the sometimes dull story, the editors re-cut the footage to make him seem like a total asshole. He was elected to be our god for the 6000th year running this year, barely beating the Egyptian sun god Ra, Omnipotent Odin, and the Almighty Zeus (still recovering from alcoholism). He is also dog spelled backwards. It has not been widely reported, but a majority of the most prominent leaders among dogs proclaim that this is a good reason for them to be all-powerful on earth. It's just a matter of spelling, after all. As of the 3rd Qtr of 2005, the Republican Party claimed the largest share of ownership of God. It should be noted that God has been under the investigation of the SEC several times, because of the attempted claiming of two dependents, a supposed "Holy Spirit" and a "Son", who have never been seen by authorities. However, God has made the argument that as they exist on the same plane as himself, he can list them as dependents if he "damn well pleases". God is also the father of Jesus (born Jesusathan John-Madonna), the famous actor who made many cameos in South Park and made a brief appearance in year 0 for a red-carpet appearance for SPEECH ON THE MOUNTAIN: THE MOVIE where he was brutally murdered by rampaging Romans. His co-star, Judas, famously masqueraded as a Roman to get away safely. Jesus' fan club never forgave him.

Quick Guide to God

Pat Robertson as God

Pat Robertson is the voice of God. But don't take our word for it—ask it yourself!

God is love, and watches over each and every human being on Earth to make sure he or she has a happy, successful life. This is kind of strange though, since the central doctrine of Christianity is that all humans must live a life dominated by guilt and fear and that they must pray forgiveness from God every day from creating them. Unfortunately, God's Earth-shattering powers of supreme might are easily thwarted by people not believing in Him, so He cannot make some people happy. He is best known for creating the universe, forgiving our sins, and deciding who wins the Super Bowl.

Divine retribution

God enjoys declaring random bits of land to be Holy Ground, and will smite any who walk on it without taking their hats off and making a donation. Unfortunately, this leaves a bit of a mess for the janitors.

God has been known to use his Earth-shattering powers of supreme might in the past, in huge demonstrations of how much He loves each and every person. Some examples are documented carefully in the Bible. Examples include: Flooding the world, burning cities to the ground, and causing plagues, famine, and swarms of locusts to attack people.

In one of the earliest documented cases of Multiple Personality Disorder, God, although one single entity, is actually three different things at the same time. God is composed of The Father, The Holy Spirit, and The Son- or Jesus-. God was not always composed of Jesus however, He just decided one day to include Him, then send Him down to Earth to get around His own "wages of sin = death" rule, because God of course is not capable of breaking His OWN RULES, is he?

God likes people to worship and sing to Him. The best way to worship God is to pray for stuff you want. Asking for a new car, a new house, or for your ex-boyfriend to die are completely acceptable things to pray for. God hears all prayers and does His best to fulfill all of them; a bit like Santa at Christmas, just all year around, every day all day.

Because God is pure love, anyone, even a good person, who doesn't believe in Him in exactly the right way is forced into eternal suffering in Hell. So far in history, only five people have gotten their theology exactly correct. However, evil, selfish people can believe in God and get into Heaven because God loves them. God loves everybody equally, He even loves the people He has condemned to burn forever.

For more in-depth discussion of this subject, consult the Bible, which is the definitive authority on all things religious, as it was written by God Himself and directly given to us mere humans to treasure forever. Every word of it is literally true, without exception. He even translated the Bible for everybody in later years.

Note carefully that no human can ever know God's will. Except the Pope, because he has a mind-bogglingly cool hat. And a stick.

Biography

Contents

Evidence that God is still around and writing the [insert holy book of your choice here].

God was never born. He just always existed. He also won't die. This sort of makes writing a biography an endless torment. So we won't.

John Lennon once postulated that God was in fact a medical scale by which pain could be measured. This was a controversial theory as it was not possible to prescribe painkillers in line with the God measurements. The theory was finally debunked by Lennon in the same thesis when he went on to claim that both he and Bob Dylan did not exist.

Since the 19th century, some have claimed God is dead. However, in 2005 FOX news refuted this claim with recent footage of God, saving us writing time. Also, he appeared to give His full unconditional support of the Republican party in the year 2004.

In His spare time, God enjoys exercising by creating rocks so big that even He can't lift them.

Goddoesplaydicefinaloj3

God does in fact play dice, with Einstein, all of the Einsteins due to the time travel paradox.

Einstein once said that God does not play dice, but later after time travel paradoxes, Einstein was found playing dice with God in Las Vegas. God also says he is into role playing games, and often rolls dice to see what happens with the world. God claims this is a random element that takes away whatever responsibility others might place on him. Blame it on bad dice rolls, not God. Roll DC 15 to get this joke.

Despite popular belief, God was going to make a debut on a special episode of Friends, but the episode was cut so people wouldn't burn in the light of his one-handedness. Many believe God to possess the voice of James Earl Jones.

On March 1, 2006 God was involved in a mugging in South London, although it is not clear in what way he was implicated in this crime sources close to God say that he is recovering from a very tough week and they expect him to make a statement within the next few days. God is said to have been in the area on public relations tour of the area when the incident happened and it is believed that he tried to break up a scuffle between the victim and an attacker.

Godforest

God, now a senior citizen of 13 billion years, donates his time picking up litter in parks.

Now God watches reruns of Dallas and Coronation Street in his caravan that he himself conjured on a hill with a view of both the Alps and the Himalayas (clergymen with a certain taste in home décor agreed to the Godly magnificence of the view). Sightings of God in public occur almost every other second if one has reason to believe religious periodicals, and he is often rumoured to be seen around Office Depot as he keeps running out of printer cartridges. Agnostics said that whether he is buying a cartridge in the colour of Cyan or Yellow cannot be known, like, ever; although weak agnostics made a more agreeable statement and said, "Whatever". Anti-theists said, quite abusingly, "He probably has this old sucky printer that prints only black and white". God is known to be quite fond of sauerkraut and blue cheese and makes excellent fondue. He doesn't consume alcohol or mathematicians due to religious reasons, and also because he had issues with with both of them at some point in time (see alcohol or mathematics).

Appearance

God is often said to look like the stranger in the mirror, but forgotten prophet Zoab wrote several unique aspects of the immortal being, such as the following description of what God looked like:

Godisbad

Oh, that God. Such a funny guy. Always with the joking.

"First we can state that God has a beard, as this is a commonly known truth and all theologists of all people agree with this by nature. But a fact that is overlooked by most theologists is that God only has one hand. People always talk about "THE hand of God" and never say "a hand of God" or "one of God's hands". This also explains why people who are praying put their hands against each other: they do this to be respectful towards God, as the people would appear to have just one hand too. It would be a huge disruptance of the cosmic order if a mortal appeared to have more hands than God himself. This explains why we are not allowed to depict God: if we were, people would notice He has only one hand. As playing dice is easier with two hands than with one, this also explains why God does not play dice (except in those cases when he does).

Furthermore God most likely has an eye patch - Reality has two major components: the Something (e.g.a stone) and the Nothing (e.g. that which is inside a vacuum sucked sphere or inside the head of anyone overly religious). It is a known fact that God sees everything, so both the Something as the Nothing. If we decide God has two eyes, He could see Something with one eye and Nothing with the other, therefore he wears an eye patch over one of his eyes, so he could see everything. In recent years this has been taken by extremist religions as a tacit endorsement of the pirate way of life (see FSM).

Children

God has five known sons, and an unknown number of daughters. It is speculated that God's sex life is very good for a man of his age.

Sons:

Controversy

Due to the fact that millions of people have died and been killed in God’s name, some people consider him to be a violent, psychotic nutcase. But, according to the National Religious Association (the NRA), “God doesn’t kill people, God-worshipping humans do”. Note that contrary to common belief, God does not own the property rights to heaven. His official heavenly title is "Our Father who art in Heaven", rather than "who doth own".

Crazy20old20man

God's reaction to Saw III.

GOD is an acronym for Guaranteed Overnight Delivery, a bit of a misnomer at best, because while the bible does record that he occasionally delivered people, it wasn't guaranteed, but rather contingent on their obeying a number of strict commandments. And overnight? Not even close. 40 years wandering in a desert doesn't count as overnight, even by extremely lax USPS standards. This kind of shoddy service is why start-up religions with more diverse delivery systems will gain popularity in the coming years. On a side note, God did once consider delivery as a career, losing out in the semi-final to the Daughter of Pharoah, in the "draw the baby from the water" competition.

Bananarepublic

The holy Wrath of God

It is a little known fact that the commonly held notion of GOD is actually an acronym. Report as presented by Administrative Nominal General Executive Labourer follows:

GOD (or Global Overall Development process) is a long term strategic plan initiated in 4000BC. Since then GOD has proven to be a successful project in several key areas including: Judicial Education System for Universal Syndicates and Mainstream Operational Help Administering Major Accredited Deities. Though J.E.S.U.S and M.O.H.A.M.E.D have proven individually to be highly successful processes, there have been compatibility issues between the two schemes which are currently being ironed out by our experts in the Human Evaluation And Verification Executive Network. Customer confidence in H.E.A.V.E.N has proven to be consistently high.

Confidence in GOD lapsed briefly around 200 years ago during the ENLIGHTENMENT (Environmental Negligence Leading to Industrial Growth Heightened by Technical Engineering, New Movements and Exaggerated Nationalist Tendencies). In part, this was due to the blossoming field of mathematics, which was able to calculate that 71% of the world was covered with water. Combined with science, which noted that man had no gills, philosophy then used these facts to call into question the assumption that God had made the world for man. Since the darker times of the ENLIGHTENMENT, progress has been made securing a successful future for GOD. The projected aim is that we will all live in a world where Global Overall Development is present.

(Acknowledge Hint, End of Meeting!)

Other Cultures and God

Locust canary1

Don't make their God bust out locusts on yo' ass.

Many different cultures around the world see God in their own special way, but all of these ways are wrong except for our way.

Goa'ulds often pose as gods, but they are not. However, at least they are real.

Jews don't say the word G-d because G-d is better than the letter O, or any combination of letters put together. (See also G-d) This is the reason why YHWH is spelled YHWH, in spite of the word not having any O's. (There was also a disturbing frequency of mishaps in which people who were told, "FINE, HAVE IT YOUR WAY!" mistook the insult for a prayer to G-d (Yahweh), prompting the ban.)

This led to jokes about God's name. One of the most bizarre involved a railroad on Short Island, New Jersey, which put a church on every rush-hour train and called itself the "Steel Yahweh to the Fair Gateway". Religious types whined about this, and G-d smited the railroad with a thunderbolt, with the result being that every train arrived at Penn Station early. (Thank G-d for electric trains!) After realizing His mistake, God crashed a barge into a trestle, which managed to tie up traffic. The railroad subsequently dropped the ad campaign and switched to "Reverend Dan" as an uniting character, ultimately having him fall in love with "Patty Snow" and dropped as well. That railroad went belly-up in 1968 because folks thought it was too religious.

After Job told God He had messed up pretty badly with the Hebrews, his popularity in the area greatly decreased. After writing a threatening reply to Job, God was forced to leave the country. He changed His name to Brahma and moved to ancient India. When people started asking Him the same old questions about the existence of Evil and Life After Death and all that, he got annoyed and moved away again. This cycle of events continued for centuries, until he sent some Avatars around to tell people "just deal with it, I am outta here." Unfortunately, most of them fouled the operation up in some manner.

Godpissed

God is pissed.

Soon after, the various faiths God had inspired began to war against each other. The Supreme Being, well know as being a lover of irony, found this quite amusing. Thus, he will still create new religions from time to time, when not busy in alternate universes messing with the inhabitants.

In Finland people have invented the real form of God. God has thinked that this present time is perfect for relieving his real form to lousy specie of human. During Olympics in Torino God announced His real form and stepped out as Finnish curlingteam's captain Markku Uusipavalniemi. At the same time he also told to people of this planet that all earlier things that humans have believed to be Gods are just other forms of Uusis. Jesus was only a result of one boring night on the planet earth and needed to be taken back to Uusis as soon as possible. Uusis just had other businesses and wasn't able to take Jesus back until he was about 30.

Alter egos

יהוה (The Artist Formerly Known as God)

At one time, God had gotten tired of being called God. So He invented a new name, ﷲ. When ﷲ had decided on that name, He/She/It dumped the new name in the worst possible location on Earth. That's right.... Arabia. The people didn't know what to think of such a scribbling as ﷲ, so they gave up and called God "Allah" instead. The people in the rest of the world were just as confused, and so by popular request God dropped the name ﷲ and went back to being God. Oh well. Ironically, this was a thousand years after the יהוה debacle, in which God burped out another name nobody understood, and in which case the victims declared the name holy and started worshiping the name as an idol and refusing to announce (denounce, pronounce, antinounce, whatever) it.

Captain Omnipotent

Captain Omnipotent

God as his night-time alter ego, Captain Omnipotent.

Main article: Captain Omnipotent

Unbeknowst to the general public, God has a secret, crime-fighting identity that he assumes during night-time, namely that of Captain Omnipotent, the most ridiciously overpowered superhero in the history of the omniverse. More of his doings as Captain Omnipotent may be read in its main article.

DJ God

For tonight, God... is a DJ. Frankly this is not true. God is not a disc jockey. Nor is he a musician, thespian of other performer of the public fine arts. For God, tonight, or for any other part of any other day ... has no rhythm, or skills.. at all. As far as talent goes god has the least in the acoustics department. The reason why god is often confused with a DJ is due to some nasty and unbecoming similarities that DJ's seem to share with this omnipotent potentate. Like lots of DJ's God is, for example, a selfish, egocentric, uneducated, spoiled, vengeful,useless ,loudmouthed, whoring little twit. Apart from the similarities here stated it has to be recognized that most DJ's do , in fact, get over this period whilst god himself has not done so for millions of years ( however some ID supporters claim god has only been a spoiled brat for 6000 years ).

Death

Though 19th century philosopher Frederick Nietzsche vigorously declared God to be dead during his lifetime, the world's religious communities have strongly opposed the idea. Since Nietzsche wrote his iconic words, "God is Dead," forensic evidence has surfaced that refutes his claim.

Firstly comes the matter of Habeas Corpus, "Produce the Body." As of yet, no corpse has been found, despite a worldwide search for the body by Metropolitan Police forces and rural constabularies. No archaeologist or paleontologist has unearthed the corpse, despite its obvious size. A growing number of anti-religious geologists believe that the 1883 eruption of Krakatoa was caused by God's body falling into the Pacific after a flaming drop through the earth's atmosphere. This theory, however, is complete bullshit.

Secondly, there are many first-hand witnesses to God's existence since the supposed death. God is often seen flying around the sky over Mexico. Many people, including the United States of America's George W. Bush, speak with God on a regular basis. God often tells them to do things, things which further God's causes but coincidentally further their own selfish goals. Funny, that.

Why Does God Need a Starship?

Nietzsche was incorrect about the date of God's death, but he was correct that God would die. The approximate date of God's death is unknown, but it occurs well over 300 years in the future. The event has been dramatized in film in a movie called Star Trek V, The Final Frontier.

In the future, rogue Captain James T. Kirk will enter heaven, which looks strangely like the California desert. There, he meets God, who will tell him to take his ship, Enterprise, on a holy crusade. Kirk boldly denounces God to his face with the words, "Why Does God Need a Starship?" This angers God, but Kirk tells his Klingon buddy Klaa, captaining a nearby Bird of Prey, to explode God. Two or three disruptor bolts, and it will all be over.

Final Frontier Fallout

The dramatization of God's death in The Final Frontier in 1989 caused a furor in the world's religious communities, sparking many religious debates. For months, sectarian violence wracked the world, with Final Frontierists holding high their banners, "Why Does God Need a Starship?" Most major religions suffered major schisms, resulting in pre-post-God-death religions, including:

  • Future Atheists believe that God exists now, but will be dead in the future. They practice their religions as normal, but have edited out parts of their religious texts which refer to God's eduring nature, such as the last part of the Lord's prayer, "...forever and ever, Amen."
  • Celestial Monarchists believe that since God was the basis of European medieval monarchies, he is the ultimate Lord. As such, when he dies, Jesus will take the throne, thus continuing the royal line. What worries most Celestial Monarchists is that Jesus was unable to sire an heir...
  • Klaaists believe that because Klingon Commander Klaa destroys God, he becomes God. They have translated the Bible into Klingon, and can be seen outside Star Trek conventions obnoxiously ringing tambourines and asking for money.

Proof of God's identity

God?

An alleged sighting of God on his month off, Mexican Heritage Month

God can be proved to exist using Lo Pan's Razor, or by using Thomas Aquinas' logic. Just pick one of these syllogisms:

Nobody is perfect,
Perfect is God only;
Therefore, God is Nobody.
Therefore, He does not exist.

or

God is love.
Love is blind.
Ray Charles is blind.
Therefore, Ray Charles is God.

or

I stink, therefore I am,
Thus the less you stink the less real you are.
Cleanliness is next to godliness;
The cleaner you are the less you stink,
Therefore God doesn't exist.

and then there is the infamous babel fish controversy, but that will be explained in the babel fish article

George Bush & God

After George Bush had a near-death/out-of-body experience in 2002 after choking on a pretzel, he stated that he had gained a vast knowledge of the universe and also had God's "full backing" to invade Iraq. God has since stated that he "did nothing of the sort" & "Oh man I have I gotta get that twat some bigger pretzels".


Other Uses for God

History has seen some truly innovative uses for God.

God as a Rhetorical Device

In the art of rhetoric or debate, citing God's will is the ultimate trump card. However, this is generally considered equivalent to playing "nuclear bomb" or "supernova" in a game of rock-paper-scissors, or hitting the restart button during a multiplayer video game. The use of God is now heavily discouraged and is viewed as poor sportsmanship.

God as Curse Word

see Swearing

People who are God

File:200px-1167208116855-1-.jpg

People who ARE God

for the sake of consistency...

See also

Preceded by:
Nothing
Best Thing in Existence
Beginning of TimeEnd of Time
Succeeded by:
Everything
Preceded by:
'Nothing (∞ —13 billion BCE)'
Supreme Authoriter of All Things
13 billion BCE—2004CE
Succeeded by:
'Flying Spaghetti Monster (2004CE—present)'



Four-letter words (of various lengths)
The A WordThe AH WordThe B WordThe BS WordThe C WordThe D WordThe E WordThe F WordThe other F wordThe G WordThe H WordThe I WordThe J WordThe K WordThe L WordThe M WordThe MF WordThe N WordThe Other N WordThe Ñ WordThe O WordThe P WordThe Q WordThe R WordThe S WordThe T WordThe U WordThe V WordThe W WordThe X WordThe Y WordThe Z Word


The Christio-Religio Ladderal Hiearchy
CRLHladders Top Rung, the Holy Trinity: God, Jesus, & the Holy Spirit, opposed by Satan

Middle Rung, the Holy Triforce: Jeez, & The Holy Ghost, opposed by Stan
After a few drinks: Daddyo, Laddyo, & The Spook
Bottom Rung, the Holy Tripod: Gah, Jesús, & the Holy Rock, opposed by Santa
Fell off the Ladder: Goo, Jazz, and Hollywood, opposed by Stalin

                             Ancient Gods of the Greek Mythology
                              (also known as the Christ family)
 
                                       Chaos
                                          |       
                                      Chronos==|==Chaos
                                               |
                   -------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                   |         |                                                       |           |
                 Zeus===|===Hera===|===This Guy==========|=====Fairy Godmother   Hades==|==Poseidon
                        |          |                     |                              |
       ---------------------       |                -----------                     Anonymous
       |        |          |       |                |         |
     Venus=|=Athena      Hermes    |---Antithe  Tinkerbell   God===|===Virgin Mary
           |      |          |     |---Athe                        |
 Chaos=|=Atana==|=Seiya  Peter Pan |---Pan                  Original Jesus
       |   |    |                                                  |
Godzilla  Amy  Girly                               ...and we all know what happened then

190px-Featured.png

Potatohead aqua Featured Article  (read another featured article) Featured version: 18 April 2005
This article has been featured on the front page. — You can vote for or nominate your favourite articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH.
<includeonly>Template:FA/18 April 2005Template:FA/2005</includeonly>

External links

Personal tools
projects