Fat Albert

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{{Wilde|Everyone knows '''Fat Albert'''! I mean, this guy is da bomb! If you don't know Fat Albert, than you aren't cool. Only cool people know '''Fat Albert'''.|coolness}}
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[[Image:Fatalbert.jpg|thumb|left|HEY HEY HEY! TIME TO KILL YO'SELF NOW!]]
[[Image:Fat_Albert_Kiss.jpg|right|thumb|Oh, that '''Fat Albert'''... always gettin' his way with the ladies]]
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Somehow, you have done [[it]]. Though you suffered multiple cease-and-desist letters and one particularly inane [[telephone]] call that consisted mainly of the beneficiary of the Fat Albert royalties yelling at you about...[[something]]. You don't exactly know what. But you do know that after hanging up on him, hiring [[OJ]]'s lawyers, and giving him a [[drug|roofie]], you achieved the rights to Fat Albert. What next? You watch it, but somehow, you are even more [[confuse]]d than when you first started. ''This'' is what all the hoopla was all about? It doesn't even make any sense. That's where I come in. I'm here to help you understand the fat world of Fat Albert.
{{q|[[Media:Fat Albert-2.ogg|If you're not careful you may ''learn'' something]]|Bill Cosby|teaching you a lesson, biatch!}}
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==Humble Beginnings==
{{q|[a blue whale! I don't Believe it, a blue whale in a swimming pool!]]|David attenborough|Fat albert swimming}}
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[[Bill Cosby]]. People don't realize it, but he's not young (I know, I can hear your gasps back there). Yes, Bill Cosby was active (and most say in his prime, which is a relative term in every sense) all the way back in the [[Category:1960s|1960s]]. Now, the 1960s were a time of confusion, a time where psychadelia reigned supreme and hallucinogenic [[drugs]] were in the mainstream. With all of this [[confusion]], it would be hard to instill good old-fashioned [[morals]] in the children of that generation. But, Bill Cosby, the gallant [[knight|cavalier]] that he was, decided to change all of that. Using a potent combination of the very hallucinogens he was trying to keep out of the young peoples' hands, he went into a trance, and when he finally woke up to a life of sobriety and mounting fines, he found a script for a special entitled ''Hey Hey Hey, It's Fat Albert''.[[Image:Fatalbert2.jpg|thumb|right|Yep. This is an actual cel from the show. It only took fifteen seconds to make.]]
<br>
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==The Sad Sad Story of Saturday Morning and CBS==
'''Fat Albert''' is the coolest guy ever. I mean, seriously. No matter what he does, he stays that cool homie that he is, man. You can't make '''Fat Albert''' un-cool. He defines the coolness here. And that fashion! Uh-huh!
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The special was aired on [[NBC]] in 1969, who, taking a cue from "Tommy" by The Who (an album released that very year), put in their earplugs and put on their eyeshades before they greenlighted its production. After realizing the error of their ways, they knew where to put the cork (another cue taken from ''Tommy''), and that place was up Bill Cosby's ass. They refused to air the subsequent [[series]], and so Bill, being the of the omniprescent [[intelligence]] that shames [[Albert Einstein]], moved it to [[CBS]], [[TV]]'s "Most Watched Network." They aired the show for 12 seasons before they finally wised up and instead picked up [[JAG]] in an attempt to attract younger fans.
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==Content==
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But that's not why you're here. If you gave a shit about the history of this ill-advised project, then you would ask the guy who was there (though the last time you tried that it didn't go too well). You want to know about what that damn program was about. I'm sorry to be the one to have to deliver the [[news]], but that show you just watched was an [[educational]] program. I know, I know, I see your looks of [[anger|shock]], but bear with me. As it ran its course, it touched on topics such as playing hooky, child abuse, date rape, bunny sex, and chronic schizophrenia. "Ah," you say as you realize what those stupid words like "coitus" and "Easter pagan symbol" were all about in this episode you just watched. But, the [[bad]] news doesn't end there. The final blow is this: you know that [[song]] at the end? The one you didn't listen to because you were too busy concentrating on how the lips and the words didn't match up? Well, that was supposed to teach you something too. It summed up the episode into one 30-second interlude of [[emo]]-inducing pain while teaching the "right way to be" in terms more layman than even you deserve. I'm sorry you had to find out this way. Let it sink in.
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[[Image:Rabbit2.JPG|thumb|left|I will never look at you the same way again. Godspeed.]]
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==Legacy==
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Though you think it's over, it is not. Over twelve years, a show garners much attention and leave a large legacy, and this one is no exception. The most notable "[[gift]]" to society came with its ever-changing title. Over the years, it went from ''Fat Albert'' to ''Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids'' to ''The Cosby Kids and Fat Albert'' to <s>''Cosby''</s> to ''Fat'' to ''Albert'' to ''Albert, Fat: Prisoner 14738XL'' before it was finally cancelled.
   
==History of Fat Albert==
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Additionally, the ultimate irony was commited against the Cosby Kids (and crew) when [[Canadian]] drug dealers nicknamed an indigenous species of [[marijuana|cannabis]] after the title character of their beloved show. It is said that every Canadian person with the goods that was on Bill Cosby's speed dial (ie: all of them) received their first parcel of mail in quite a while on that day.
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[[Image:Pot leaf.gif|thumb|right|Hey, look, Ma, irony!]]
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Finally, some (including prominent scientist [[Dr. Phil]]) say that the trance Bill Cosby entered (the one to conceive Fat Albert) never truly ended, and that since it has been worsened and augmented by numerous illegal substances that have made him even crazier. Only a small percentage believe to the contrary.
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==What Now?==
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So you've watched it. Thirty minutes of your life thrown away to a poorly made, ''educational'' [[cartoon]]. All of your excitement was for nothing (you were actually expecting to receive the pot), and you even learned something today! How dare Bill Cosby do this to you! Unfortunately, there is not much you can do about it directly, as attempting any sort of [[law|legal]] battle (for crimes against humanity) will cause the [[UN]] to have to do something, which they don't usually like. Therefore, the only thing you can do is prevent something like this from happening again. How, you ask? Well, friend, that is a topic for [[HowTo:Beat the Odds|another day]].
   
No-one's quite sure where '''Fat Albert''' came from. Some say his mother died when she gave birth. Others say he is immortal, and has been here since the Big Bang, which is likely. Others say that his mother is in orbit. Anyway, yeah, nobody knows where he came from except Fat Albert and Jesus. However, it is rumored that '''Fat Albert''' weighed 2,000 pounds at birth, and maintained that weight for the rest of his life. Not many people can do that like '''Fat Albert''' can. He is that cool.
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[[Category:Gangsta Rappers]]
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[[Category:Cults]]
I once bet '''Fat Albert''' five bucks that he couldn't eat that there truck over there. The guys all laughed when I lost five dollars. I mean, '''Fat Albert''' just picked it up, and was like, UUUUUULLLLPPPPP! and he ate the truck whole. He didn't even chew! That's how cool '''Fat Albert''' is.
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[[Category:Illegal]]
 
Afterwards, I asked him how he could ever eat the whoooole thing without chewing. "What's chewing?" he asked me. Now that is just ''too cool'' a thing to say. Only '''Fat Albert''' can do it.
 
 
==Fun Times==
 
 
Yeah, me and '''Fat Albert''' go way back. I remember this one time when we were gonna go on a roller coaster, and the attendant was like, “uh-uh.” '''Fat Albert''' didn’t think that was a very nice thing to say, so he talked it over with the attendant while holding him high up in the air. '''Fat Albert''' did most of the talking, and the attendant did most of the screaming. The people on the roller coaster thought it was pretty funny, though.
 
 
Eventually, '''Fat Albert''' got to ride the roller coaster. Well, kinda. He got in the seat, and it broke. So he tried another one, and that one broke too. So then he tried to get in the very back seat, where there’s a lot of room, and it still broke. So '''Fat Albert''' got angry and kicked the roller coaster. Hard.
 
 
I hear it’s somewhere in Zimbabwe now. That or the moon.
 
 
 
The coolest thing we ever did together was play street football Yeah, man, we would always win. The opposing team would take one look at '''Fat Albert''' and break down, crying, and begging us not to play them. Eventually we got so good at street football that we had to quit playing, because we were running out of tissues to give to the other team when they saw '''Fat Albert'''. Cuz that’s how cool he is.
 
 
==Meals==
 
 
Man, that '''Fat Albert''' sure does go through the food. If there’s one thing you never want to do, like, EVER, it’s get between '''Fat Albert''' and some food. I remember this one time when I did that by accident, and he almost ate me instead. It’s not easy to see when your cheeks get in the way of your eyes, but I guess that’s the price you pay for being cool.
 
 
You know, where I live, there aren’t any more ''All You Can Eat'' restaurants any more. Sometimes me and '''Fat Albert''' wonder why this is. Once I even heard that Fat Albert moved to a completely different country in order to buy ''All You Can Eat'' food again.
 
 
==Famous Quotes by Fat Albert==
 
 
{{q|Heey Heey Heeey!|Fat Albert|Himself}}
 
{{q|Heey Heey Heeey!|Fat Albert|[[Uncyclopedia]]}}
 
{{q|Heey Heey Heeey!|Fat Albert|[[Philosophy]]}}
 
{{q|Heey Heey Heeey!|Fat Albert|the [[AIDS]] epidemic}}
 
{{q|Heey Heey Heeey!|Fat Albert|the [[TWAT|crisis in the Middle East]]}}
 
{{q|Heey Heey Heeey!|Fat Albert|the art of [[Pablo Picasso]]}}
 
{{q|Heey Heey Heeey!|Fat Albert|the teachings of [[Gandhi|Mohatma Ghandi]]}}
 
{{q|HEEEEEYY HEEEEEEYY HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYY!|Fat Albert|[[Big Mac|Hamburgers]]}}
 
{{q|HEY, Hey.. hey... I'm havin' a heart attack!|Fat Albert|[[McDonalds]]}}
 
[[Category: Fat people]] [[Category: Awesome]] [[Category:One-Eyed One-Horned Flying Black People Eaters]]
 

Revision as of 02:45, May 19, 2007

Fatalbert

HEY HEY HEY! TIME TO KILL YO'SELF NOW!

Somehow, you have done it. Though you suffered multiple cease-and-desist letters and one particularly inane telephone call that consisted mainly of the beneficiary of the Fat Albert royalties yelling at you about...something. You don't exactly know what. But you do know that after hanging up on him, hiring OJ's lawyers, and giving him a roofie, you achieved the rights to Fat Albert. What next? You watch it, but somehow, you are even more confused than when you first started. This is what all the hoopla was all about? It doesn't even make any sense. That's where I come in. I'm here to help you understand the fat world of Fat Albert.

Humble Beginnings

Bill Cosby. People don't realize it, but he's not young (I know, I can hear your gasps back there). Yes, Bill Cosby was active (and most say in his prime, which is a relative term in every sense) all the way back in the. Now, the 1960s were a time of confusion, a time where psychadelia reigned supreme and hallucinogenic drugs were in the mainstream. With all of this confusion, it would be hard to instill good old-fashioned morals in the children of that generation. But, Bill Cosby, the gallant cavalier that he was, decided to change all of that. Using a potent combination of the very hallucinogens he was trying to keep out of the young peoples' hands, he went into a trance, and when he finally woke up to a life of sobriety and mounting fines, he found a script for a special entitled Hey Hey Hey, It's Fat Albert.
Fatalbert2

Yep. This is an actual cel from the show. It only took fifteen seconds to make.

The Sad Sad Story of Saturday Morning and CBS

The special was aired on NBC in 1969, who, taking a cue from "Tommy" by The Who (an album released that very year), put in their earplugs and put on their eyeshades before they greenlighted its production. After realizing the error of their ways, they knew where to put the cork (another cue taken from Tommy), and that place was up Bill Cosby's ass. They refused to air the subsequent series, and so Bill, being the of the omniprescent intelligence that shames Albert Einstein, moved it to CBS, TV's "Most Watched Network." They aired the show for 12 seasons before they finally wised up and instead picked up JAG in an attempt to attract younger fans.

Content

But that's not why you're here. If you gave a shit about the history of this ill-advised project, then you would ask the guy who was there (though the last time you tried that it didn't go too well). You want to know about what that damn program was about. I'm sorry to be the one to have to deliver the news, but that show you just watched was an educational program. I know, I know, I see your looks of shock, but bear with me. As it ran its course, it touched on topics such as playing hooky, child abuse, date rape, bunny sex, and chronic schizophrenia. "Ah," you say as you realize what those stupid words like "coitus" and "Easter pagan symbol" were all about in this episode you just watched. But, the bad news doesn't end there. The final blow is this: you know that song at the end? The one you didn't listen to because you were too busy concentrating on how the lips and the words didn't match up? Well, that was supposed to teach you something too. It summed up the episode into one 30-second interlude of emo-inducing pain while teaching the "right way to be" in terms more layman than even you deserve. I'm sorry you had to find out this way. Let it sink in.

File:Rabbit2.JPG

Legacy

Though you think it's over, it is not. Over twelve years, a show garners much attention and leave a large legacy, and this one is no exception. The most notable "gift" to society came with its ever-changing title. Over the years, it went from Fat Albert to Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids to The Cosby Kids and Fat Albert to Cosby to Fat to Albert to Albert, Fat: Prisoner 14738XL before it was finally cancelled.

Additionally, the ultimate irony was commited against the Cosby Kids (and crew) when Canadian drug dealers nicknamed an indigenous species of cannabis after the title character of their beloved show. It is said that every Canadian person with the goods that was on Bill Cosby's speed dial (ie: all of them) received their first parcel of mail in quite a while on that day.

Pot leaf

Hey, look, Ma, irony!

Finally, some (including prominent scientist Dr. Phil) say that the trance Bill Cosby entered (the one to conceive Fat Albert) never truly ended, and that since it has been worsened and augmented by numerous illegal substances that have made him even crazier. Only a small percentage believe to the contrary.

What Now?

So you've watched it. Thirty minutes of your life thrown away to a poorly made, educational cartoon. All of your excitement was for nothing (you were actually expecting to receive the pot), and you even learned something today! How dare Bill Cosby do this to you! Unfortunately, there is not much you can do about it directly, as attempting any sort of legal battle (for crimes against humanity) will cause the UN to have to do something, which they don't usually like. Therefore, the only thing you can do is prevent something like this from happening again. How, you ask? Well, friend, that is a topic for another day.

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