English language

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

(Difference between revisions)
Jump to: navigation, search
m (Interwiki)
(Origin of English)
(31 intermediate revisions by one user not shown)
Line 1: Line 1:
{{Fix|notfunny}}
+
{{Whoops|Engrish|Barack Obama}}
{{Whoops|Engrish}}
 
   
{{Q|English mothafucka', do you speak it?!|Samuel L. Jackson|English}}
+
{{Q|English is a language in which any form of any word is completely and utterly possible.|Oscar Wilde|American}}
{{Q|English is a language that lurks in dark alleys, thereby making any form of any word completely and utterly possible.|Oscar Wilde|American}}
+
{{Q|English is the only language that beats up other languages in a dark alley and rummages around in their pockets for spare vocabulary.|English|itself}}
  +
{{Q|In Soviet Russia, English speaks YOU!!|[[Russian reversal]]|English}}
  +
{{Q|English is the language this article is written in.|[[Captain Obvious]]|English}}
   
 
[[File:English111.jpg|thumbnail|300px|right|English is a difficult language...for some.]]
 
[[File:English111.jpg|thumbnail|300px|right|English is a difficult language...for some.]]
''English language'' is a language that was developed throughout the middle ages, until 22 years ago it was adopted as the official language of [[Barack Obama]], and thus became the most common language on Earth. After development, it was sold to the [[English]] in 1601, who promptly gave it to King James I as a coronation present. After the English decided to take over the world, the English language spread all over the world. Repeated attempts to introduce it to the Americans proved unsuccessful, until 1990 when Grand Master Barack Obama adopted it as his official language, and commanded that all of his subjects speak it in order to understand his orders.
+
'''English''' is a language that was developed throughout the middle ages by bored, illiterate [[sheep]], until 22 years ago it was adopted as the official language of [[Barack Obama]], and thus became the most common language on Earth. After development, it was sold to the [[English]] in 1601, who promptly gave it to King James I as a coronation present. After the English decided to take over the world, the English language spread all over the world. Repeated attempts to introduce it to the Americans proved unsuccessful, until 1990 when Grand Master Barack Obama adopted it as his official language, and commanded that all of his subjects speak it in order to understand his orders.
   
English is varied as a language, taking in influences from all over the world. This is as a result of repeated invasions of England before they bought the language, meaning that the English spoke multiple languages. They then continued to speak those languages, and merely integrated their other languages into their new one. Following the rapid expansion of the [[English Empire|British Empire]], the language suffered many invasions from various language in conquered territories, to the extent that English completely reinvents itself every 1-2 years. [[Scientists]] are presently working on a solution, but it is doubted that any will be found before the language reinvents itself, and renders all previous research incomprehensible.
+
English is varied as a language, stealing spare and non-spare parts from all over the world. This is as a result of repeated invasions of England before they bought the language, meaning that the English spoke multiple languages. They then continued to speak those languages, and merely integrated their other languages into their new one. Following the rapid expansion of the [[British Empire]], the language suffered many invasions from various languages in conquered territories, to the extent that English completely reinvents itself every 1-2 years. [[Scientists]] are presently working on a solution, but it is doubted that any will be found before the language reinvents itself, and renders all previous research incomprehensible.
   
English is an unregulated language. This is to confuse foreigners who learn "proper" English, so when they come to England (or any other English speaking country) they sound like absolute retards. Other countries fall for it too. That's why [[rappers]], [[hillbillies]], and [[idiot]]s have their own vocabulary in the (U.S.) [[Dictionary]].
+
English is an unregulated language. Because there is no single regulating body making up standards, nobody has ever agreed on a single way of spelling things, and there are numerous 'right' spellings of many words. Strangely enough, none of these 'standards' really have more to do than [[chicken]] [[scratch]]es with the actual language.
   
 
== Origin of English ==
 
== Origin of English ==
   
One day [[God]] looked down on Earth to check up on his whole "creating life" idea. After realizing what a shitty idea that was and that the English were getting a bit angst and let's-go-get-more-land-ish. God didn't like this all that much, so he decided to try and do something about it. First, he gave the English some unfavourable weather. But that didn't shut them up. So then, after a 400 year holiday in Hawaii, he created the English language and forced them to speak it in hopes that they might straighten up after being given such a horrible and confusing language. Well that didn't work either.
+
One day [[God]] looked down on Earth to check up on his whole "creating life" idea. He saw that the English were getting way out of hand, and wished he hadn't created them because now it was too late to get rid of them. But he still might be able to knock some sense into their heads. First, he gave the English some unfavourable weather. But that didn't calm them down. So then, after a 400 year holiday in Hawaii, he created the English language and forced them to speak it in hopes that they might straighten up after being given such a horrible and confusing language. Well that didn't work either.
   
After the English got down the language, the Americans stole it and added in silly "words" like "y'all" and "howdy", in addition Americans also stole a lot of the place names, for example Manchester, and Dorset. The most stupid being, of course [[New England]]. Ever since then in 1600's/1800's, neither country has really been able to understand each other although this might have nothing to do with the language. This is usually because most Americans are stuffed full of McDonald's and K.F.C. while the English usually have [[Tea]] and [[Caviar]].
+
After the English got down the language, the Americans stole it and added in silly "words" like "y'all" and "howdy". Americans also stole a lot of the place names, for example, Manchester and Dorset. The most stupid being, of course, [[New England]]. Ever since then in 1600's/1800's, neither country has really been able to understand each other although this might have nothing to do with the language. It may be because most Americans are stuffed full of [[McDonald's]] and [[Kentucky Fried Chicken|other rubbish]] while the English usually have [[tea]] and [[caviar|cat food]].
   
The Australians also got a hold of it, adding largely unfathomable words like g'day and barby, which is not proper English. They have reinvented the stolen language just like the reinvented cricket and rugby, showing up England in basically everything they attempt.
+
The Australians also got hold of it, adding words like "g'day" and "barby", which are unfathomable to anyone who knows only proper English. They have reinvented the stolen language just as they reinvented cricket and rugby, showing up England in basically everything they attempt.
   
==Dumb English==
+
==English English==
The spelling of the English language has been debated. Compare the words; Steak, Streak, Head, Earth, Ear, Heard and Death. Obviously, English uses a rather inconvenient way of spelling. Not to mention the use of the letters "E" and "U" and the apostrophe.
+
In Eastern London the most common word is "fuck", which is used for everything, rendering communication impossible. However, more educated people with richer vocabulary say "fuck all". This is a sign of status in Eastern London that is not well appreciated by the commoners, and has resulted in many in the educated classes fleeing the area for fear of murder.
   
In Eastern London the most common word is "fuck", which is used for everything. However, more educated people with richer vocabulary tell you "fuck all". This is a sign of status in Eastern London that is not well appreciated by the commoners, and has resulted in many in the educated classes fleeing the area for fear of murder.
+
Some phrases translated:
  +
*Hello, how are you?
  +
:''G'day ya old rug munchin faggot chap munchie.''
  +
*Where might I find the restroom?
  +
:''Yah ol' bitch where's me arse dumper be?''
  +
*Would you like to go on a date Friday night with me?
  +
:''Ye olde queen be floggin' me arse dumper this Friday.''
  +
*I would like to purchase this, please.
  +
:''Oi, can I 'ave this please, yah faggot!''
  +
*What time is it, good sir?
  +
:''Can I have yer fuckin' watch for the time me matey?''
  +
*Are you going to the party tonight?
  +
:''Gonna go to a good ol' strip club tonight! You might wanna join, eh?''
  +
*I know a way in which we might resolve our differences.
  +
:''Pass me a feckin' beer bottle!''
   
Some phrases translated.
+
==English Spelling==
*Hello, I would like to suck your dick. (Gday ya old rug munchin faggot chap munchie)
+
The spelling of the English language has been debated. Compare the pronunciation of ''ea'' in the words ''steak'', ''streak'', ''head'', ''earth'', ''ear'', ''heard'' and ''death''. Obviously, English uses a rather inconvenient way of spelling. Not to mention the use of the letters "E" and "U" and the apostrophe.
*Where might I find the restroom so i can jack off? (Yah ol bitch wheres me arse dumper be?)
 
*Would you like to go on a date Friday night with me? (Ye olde queen be floggin me arse dumper tis Friday)
 
*I would like to purchase this,please. ('Oi, can I 'ave this please, yah faggot!)
 
*What time is it, good sir i need to suck some dick? (Can I have yer fuckin' watch for the time me matey?)
 
*Are you going to the party tonight? (gonna go to a good ol' strip club tonight! You might wanna join, eh?
 
*I know a way in which we might resolve our differences i have a penis and you have a virgina ans a pair of boobs. (Pass me a feckin beer bottle!)
 
   
==English English==
+
Now, how did it get this way, you ask?
Though well documented, original English, spoken by the English faggot people, has not been seen since 1000 AD. The skinny French person came in and ruined it as well as the ethnic race. and then the British people were all like what the fuck? who the hell is this french guy. After that u see....well....um......that's kinda it....they became friends i suppose and came up with some language......so here ya go.
+
  +
English started out as a relatively sensible language, aside from its total lack of a future tense which led to its speakers' inability to think ahead. Then the French decided to invade Britain, and their spelling system got itself applied to English and everything else in sight. The French knew what they were doing with their own language, but they didn't care about English, thinking all non-French languages to be retarded, so they just kind of threw their spelling at English and saw if it stuck. This, combined with the efforts of sheep and [[cat]]s, was very fun for the French to watch from a distance, but not for the children who now are forced to learn this ridiculous thing that pretends to be a spelling system.
   
== English is proven too stupid for the higher orders to understand ==
+
== Some stupidities of English ==
 
 
1. Your house burnt ''up'' and then it burnt ''down''. So your fire alarm went ''off'' by turning ''on''. So you had to ''fill in'' your insurance form by ''filling it out''. You ''took'' a shit by ''leaving'' it.
+
1. Your house burns ''up'' and then it burns ''down''. Your fire alarm goes ''off'' by turning ''on''. So you ''fill in'' your insurance form by ''filling it out''.
   
 
2. You can make amends but you can't make one amend.
 
2. You can make amends but you can't make one amend.
Line 42: Line 42:
 
5. How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? For that matter, how can awful be something bad when awesome is really good?
 
5. How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? For that matter, how can awful be something bad when awesome is really good?
   
6. When the ''stars are out'', they are visible. BUT when the ''lights are out'', they are invisible.
+
6. When the ''stars are out'', they are visible. But when the ''lights are out'', they are invisible.
   
7. English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant (but in Britain, it's an Aubergine), nor ham in hamburger (GB just Burger); neither pine nor apple in pineapple (well - doh!). English muffins weren't invented in England nor French fries (GB Chips) in France. Sweetmeats are candies (or GB Sweets) while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are a bulls testicles (GB Bollocks).
+
7. There is no egg in eggplant (but in Britain, it's an Aubergine), nor ham in hamburger (GB just Burger); neither pine nor apple in pineapple (well - doh!). English muffins weren't invented in England nor French fries (GB Chips) in France. Sweetmeats are candies (or GB Sweets) while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
*The American versions should be swapped into the brackets, since this page is about the un-ballsed-up version of English spoken by the people who invented the language (you stupid Americans).
 
   
 
8. There are 7 different ways to pronounce the letters 'ough' - ''tough'' '''[uf],/ʌf/''', ''cough'' '''[off],/ɑf/''', ''bough'' '''[ow!],/aʊ/''', ''though'' '''[o],/oʊ/''', ''ought'' '''[awe],/ɑ/''', ''through'' '''[oo],/u/''', ''hiccough'' '''[up],/ʌp/'''.
 
8. There are 7 different ways to pronounce the letters 'ough' - ''tough'' '''[uf],/ʌf/''', ''cough'' '''[off],/ɑf/''', ''bough'' '''[ow!],/aʊ/''', ''though'' '''[o],/oʊ/''', ''ought'' '''[awe],/ɑ/''', ''through'' '''[oo],/u/''', ''hiccough'' '''[up],/ʌp/'''.
   
9. You can be gormless, but what IS gorm? Apparently something that is good to have?
+
9. If "glasses" is a pair of lenses worn on the head, then why isn't a monocle called a "glass"?
   
10. If "glasses" is a pair of lenses worn on the head, then why isn't a monocle called a "glass"?
+
10. You say "tomado" and we say "tomarto". You say "potado" and we say "potayto". Let's call the whole thing off.
   
11. You say "tomayto" and we, correctly, say "tomado". You say "potado" and we, correctly, say "potayto". Let's call the whole thing off.
+
11. If you fail to perform well, you ''suck'' and you ''blow it''.
   
12. If you fail to perform well, you suck and blow at the same time. Why is a ''blowjob'' not called a ''suckjob'' yet sucky jobs often blow?
+
12. Why is the fear of long words 'hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia'?
   
13. Why is the fear of long words 'hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia'?
+
13. If one who does stupid things is "reckless", why can't someone who thinks things through be "reckful"?
   
14. If one who does stupid things is "reckless", why can't someone who thinks things through be "reckful"?
+
14. If teachers are teaching and painters are painting, why aren't lawyers lawying? (If you're Australian, that might make sense, since you say that lawyers lawye (lie).)
   
15. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
+
15. If the prefix ''de'' means none or the opposite of, why does 'devoid' mean the same thing as 'void'?
   
16. If teachers are teaching and painters are painting, why aren't lawyers lawying? (If you're Australian, that might make sense, since you say that lawyers lawye(lie).)
+
16. You park on a driveway and you drive on a parkway.
   
17. If the prefix "de" means none or the opposite of, how does devoid (void meaning the same thing) still mean "nothing"?
+
17. Why is it that policemen police, workmen work and patrolmen patrol when milkmen don't milk?
   
18. You park on a driveway and you drive on a parkway.
+
18. Why is a "W" a "double U" when it's actually a double V? And why is it the only letter with more than one syllable?
   
19. Why is it that policemen police, workmen work and patrolmen patrol when milkmen don't milk?(they milk cows, though, but they should be milking '''themselves'''!)
+
19. Somehow, ''soft'' and ''softheaded'' mean ''stupid'' yet ''thick'' and ''thickheaded'' also mean ''stupid''.
   
20. Why is a "W" a "double U" when it's actually a double V? And why is it the only letter with more than one syllable?
+
20. The English seem to think they have the original form of the language, but they actually forgot half the r's and put some of them back in the wrong place. How do you explain all those silent r's that don't pull their weight? Did the aliens put them there?
   
21. Yes, American letters have nothing to do with English letters! Its all because of English S-letters! Yes, England have '''3''' own S letter! And they are: S (''es''), S (''is'') and S (''ass'')
+
21. You recite at a play and play at a recital.
   
22. Why is one spelled as "van" when the pronunciation seems to be so far from the written form?
+
22. Why is ''one'' pronounced ''won''?
   
23. Somehow, ''soft'' and ''softheaded'' mean ''stupid'' yet ''thick'' and ''thickheaded'' also mean ''stupid''.
+
23. One of the mice is called a mouse, but one of the dice isn’t a douse, nor one grain of rice called a rouse, nor a cube of ice called an ouse? And why isn’t a house one of the hice or a blouse one of the blice?
 
24. Yet the Americans insist that British English is a dialect when it is, in fact, the original form of the language.
 
   
 
== English Today ==
 
== English Today ==
   
The English of Today spoken in England is only spoken by all Londoners with mental disabilities and/or speech impediments that are trapped in a bad remake of Mary Poppins as this article shall demonstrate. This has created a unique fracture in time and space that resides only in the minds of U.S.'ers(or unitedstatsians), a dark race of evil who wish to break through into our dimension.
+
English is currently spoken in far too many parts of the globe for anyone's good. As previously mentioned, the English think they speak the original form of the language, but this is silly. The French sheep and cats did all they could to ensure that English evolved from a normal language into a device specifically designed to confuse learners. [[Nobody]] speaks the normal version anymore because even the English, whose language it once was, thought French was really cool and threw it over everything, leading to a messy trainwreck and the collapse of a bridge. This trainwreck was messily spread over the global [[toast]] because [[butter]] was scarce.
   
Everyone else is presumed to be speaking French or some other dialect.
+
Because r's are so hard to pronounce, many English speakers have forgotten how, including the aforementioned inventors of the language. They have dropped all r's not preceding a [[vowel]] into the trash can, and some of these have come back to haunt them at the ends of words that have no r's in the spelling. They then proceeded to forget what it meant if there was an 'r' in the spelling, which is why the superfluous letters are still sitting there like [[couch potato]]es instead of buzzing off already.
   
(Please note that the author(s) of this article has mistaken the word 'Fringlish' for 'Fallen Cockney Wanker')
+
[[American]]s, [[Canadian]]s, [[Scottish|Scots]] and a few other groups still know what r's mean, except for [[Texas|Texans]] and [[Boston]]ians.
 
Engrish is not the easiest language (pronounced lang-gwagee) on the face of the earth. An Engrish accent (emulated by an American at least; a ''real'' Engrish accent is '''very''' different) of the kind spoken by The Chattering Classes can be achieved simply by removing all the T's in a sentence, an example is as follows (replace all the ' with a "T" to make sense of it:
 
 
'''"Hey yer bloody dir'y wanka, ge' your coa' and le's go 'o 'ha foo'ball ma'ch and ge' ourselves was'ed by 'he fockin s'ands while we cheer on da' no good bas'ard arse club [[Chelsea FC]]'''
 
   
 
==Chav English==
 
==Chav English==
 
A great number of society belong to an unwanted, dirty and some other word for unwanted group known as chavs. They have adapted their own form of English to confuse normal English folk, and make them feel they are knowledgeable about something, making them feel better. Their vocabular consists of "innit", "safe", "blud", "knob", "bling bling" "brap/Blllllap". They have evolved to put simple words learnt in primary school into what normal english folk call sentences, but what chavs called "innit my homie". Typical chav sentences include "innit, blud" and "you facking goff, may'e"
 
A great number of society belong to an unwanted, dirty and some other word for unwanted group known as chavs. They have adapted their own form of English to confuse normal English folk, and make them feel they are knowledgeable about something, making them feel better. Their vocabular consists of "innit", "safe", "blud", "knob", "bling bling" "brap/Blllllap". They have evolved to put simple words learnt in primary school into what normal english folk call sentences, but what chavs called "innit my homie". Typical chav sentences include "innit, blud" and "you facking goff, may'e"
==
 
   
 
ENGLAND IS A BLOODY RUFFELMONSTIR AND ITS BIG TOO, BLIMEY. Blimey! It's borinn' an' all tha' malarky, but it ain' really in Mr. C's English class! Especially today, when we did improve actin' wiv' a rahndom subject.
 
ENGLAND IS A BLOODY RUFFELMONSTIR AND ITS BIG TOO, BLIMEY. Blimey! It's borinn' an' all tha' malarky, but it ain' really in Mr. C's English class! Especially today, when we did improve actin' wiv' a rahndom subject.
   
(Written by an American Student studying English)
 
 
English is currently tha 103rd most spoken lahngwidge in tha worwd. Tha Yoonited States of Amurca spoke English for a big many years, until tha little urchin's began ta realise tha' unstructured grammar an' of'en illogicuhl spellin'. Thus, tha [[American|Amurcan]] language was born in duh [[Southern United States]] - not ta' be confyused with real English like Ahm speakin' at tha' moment. Them urchin's was fools; while tha spelling of English words was seriously odd, tha grammar was trooly astoundin'. Tha English lahnguage was so powerful, it's known ta destroy trees, collapse minds, crush souls an' very rarely open cereal boxxiz and no mistake!
 
English is currently tha 103rd most spoken lahngwidge in tha worwd. Tha Yoonited States of Amurca spoke English for a big many years, until tha little urchin's began ta realise tha' unstructured grammar an' of'en illogicuhl spellin'. Thus, tha [[American|Amurcan]] language was born in duh [[Southern United States]] - not ta' be confyused with real English like Ahm speakin' at tha' moment. Them urchin's was fools; while tha spelling of English words was seriously odd, tha grammar was trooly astoundin'. Tha English lahnguage was so powerful, it's known ta destroy trees, collapse minds, crush souls an' very rarely open cereal boxxiz and no mistake!
   
 
Af'er English ceased to be spoken in tha' US, tha' Amurcans adoptid tha Amurcan lahngwidge as deir offishul spo'en lahngwidge. This cowrsed sevrul problems with economy, an' woidespread illi'eracy. Therefwore, tha' Americans chose [[Mandarin Chinese]] as deir official language. This inevitably led ta tha' [[Engrish]] lahnwidge imperialism movemen', curruntly inactive because av relativly woidespread activities including [[kitten huffing|kittun hufin']]. Da funny tin' is it dun soun' plen'y like Spanish fur sum rizon. Que loco...
 
Af'er English ceased to be spoken in tha' US, tha' Amurcans adoptid tha Amurcan lahngwidge as deir offishul spo'en lahngwidge. This cowrsed sevrul problems with economy, an' woidespread illi'eracy. Therefwore, tha' Americans chose [[Mandarin Chinese]] as deir official language. This inevitably led ta tha' [[Engrish]] lahnwidge imperialism movemen', curruntly inactive because av relativly woidespread activities including [[kitten huffing|kittun hufin']]. Da funny tin' is it dun soun' plen'y like Spanish fur sum rizon. Que loco...
 
It has become known that every one on the planet must think in English. This became apparent when sociological and linguistic researchers realised that thinking in any other language would in fact be stupid. Thinking in [[Chinese]] would give you a headache and thinking in [[French]] would get you aroused. People who claim that they cannot speak English are in fact correct, however they are just missing a link between their brain and their mouth. e.g. [[Germans]]
 
   
 
== Dialects ==
 
== Dialects ==
Blimey! English suffers from a numbah of incompr'ensible dialec's. None of these is a language in its own roigh' since it does not possess a discrete vocabulary. And tha' [[Queen of England|Queen]] said so and no mistake!
+
Blimey! English suffers from a number of incomprehensible dialects. None of these is a language in its own right since it does not possess a discrete vocabulary. And the [[Queen of England|Queen]] said so and no mistake!
   
* [[Queen's English]] This is the one truly correct version of English, spoken only by The Royal Family, the BBC before standards slipped, and anyone who is not a moron doomed to fail in life (explaining why so many people are unemployed).
+
* Queen's English This is the one truly correct version of English, spoken only by The Royal Family, the BBC before standards slipped, and anyone who is not a moron doomed to fail in life (explaining why so many people are unemployed).
* [[Scouse language|Scouse]]
+
* Scouse
 
* [[Scots]]
 
* [[Scots]]
 
* [[Geordie]]
 
* [[Geordie]]
 
* [[Doric]]
 
* [[Doric]]
* [[Westcun'ree]]
+
* Westcun'ree
*[[Recondite English|Recondite]]
+
* [[Recondite English|Recondite]]
* [[Manc language|Manc]]
+
* Manc
* [[Fen language|Fen]]
+
* Fen
 
* [[Strine language|Strine]]
 
* [[Strine language|Strine]]
*[[American language|American]] its Like [[English, but Louder]] and pointless but provided a variety of new swear words.
+
* [[American language|American]]. It's like [[English, but Louder]] and pointless aside from a variety of new swear words.
*[[Redneck|Southern American English]]
+
* [[Redneck|Southern American English]]
*[[English knowledge in Sweden|Swenglish]]
+
* Swenglish
  +
* [[Wenglish]]
   
 
== See also ==
 
== See also ==
* [[English language]]
 
 
* [[Engrish]]
 
* [[Engrish]]
 
* [[England]]
 
* [[England]]

Revision as of 20:19, March 10, 2013

Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Engrish, or Barack Obama?
“English is a language in which any form of any word is completely and utterly possible.”
~ Oscar Wilde on American
“English is the only language that beats up other languages in a dark alley and rummages around in their pockets for spare vocabulary.”
~ English on itself
“In Soviet Russia, English speaks YOU!!”
~ Russian reversal on English
“English is the language this article is written in.”
~ Captain Obvious on English
English111
English is a difficult language...for some.

English is a language that was developed throughout the middle ages by bored, illiterate sheep, until 22 years ago it was adopted as the official language of Barack Obama, and thus became the most common language on Earth. After development, it was sold to the English in 1601, who promptly gave it to King James I as a coronation present. After the English decided to take over the world, the English language spread all over the world. Repeated attempts to introduce it to the Americans proved unsuccessful, until 1990 when Grand Master Barack Obama adopted it as his official language, and commanded that all of his subjects speak it in order to understand his orders.

English is varied as a language, stealing spare and non-spare parts from all over the world. This is as a result of repeated invasions of England before they bought the language, meaning that the English spoke multiple languages. They then continued to speak those languages, and merely integrated their other languages into their new one. Following the rapid expansion of the British Empire, the language suffered many invasions from various languages in conquered territories, to the extent that English completely reinvents itself every 1-2 years. Scientists are presently working on a solution, but it is doubted that any will be found before the language reinvents itself, and renders all previous research incomprehensible.

English is an unregulated language. Because there is no single regulating body making up standards, nobody has ever agreed on a single way of spelling things, and there are numerous 'right' spellings of many words. Strangely enough, none of these 'standards' really have more to do than chicken scratches with the actual language.

Origin of English

One day God looked down on Earth to check up on his whole "creating life" idea. He saw that the English were getting way out of hand, and wished he hadn't created them because now it was too late to get rid of them. But he still might be able to knock some sense into their heads. First, he gave the English some unfavourable weather. But that didn't calm them down. So then, after a 400 year holiday in Hawaii, he created the English language and forced them to speak it in hopes that they might straighten up after being given such a horrible and confusing language. Well that didn't work either.

After the English got down the language, the Americans stole it and added in silly "words" like "y'all" and "howdy". Americans also stole a lot of the place names, for example, Manchester and Dorset. The most stupid being, of course, New England. Ever since then in 1600's/1800's, neither country has really been able to understand each other although this might have nothing to do with the language. It may be because most Americans are stuffed full of McDonald's and other rubbish while the English usually have tea and cat food.

The Australians also got hold of it, adding words like "g'day" and "barby", which are unfathomable to anyone who knows only proper English. They have reinvented the stolen language just as they reinvented cricket and rugby, showing up England in basically everything they attempt.

English English

In Eastern London the most common word is "fuck", which is used for everything, rendering communication impossible. However, more educated people with richer vocabulary say "fuck all". This is a sign of status in Eastern London that is not well appreciated by the commoners, and has resulted in many in the educated classes fleeing the area for fear of murder.

Some phrases translated:

  • Hello, how are you?
G'day ya old rug munchin faggot chap munchie.
  • Where might I find the restroom?
Yah ol' bitch where's me arse dumper be?
  • Would you like to go on a date Friday night with me?
Ye olde queen be floggin' me arse dumper this Friday.
  • I would like to purchase this, please.
Oi, can I 'ave this please, yah faggot!
  • What time is it, good sir?
Can I have yer fuckin' watch for the time me matey?
  • Are you going to the party tonight?
Gonna go to a good ol' strip club tonight! You might wanna join, eh?
  • I know a way in which we might resolve our differences.
Pass me a feckin' beer bottle!

English Spelling

The spelling of the English language has been debated. Compare the pronunciation of ea in the words steak, streak, head, earth, ear, heard and death. Obviously, English uses a rather inconvenient way of spelling. Not to mention the use of the letters "E" and "U" and the apostrophe.

Now, how did it get this way, you ask?

English started out as a relatively sensible language, aside from its total lack of a future tense which led to its speakers' inability to think ahead. Then the French decided to invade Britain, and their spelling system got itself applied to English and everything else in sight. The French knew what they were doing with their own language, but they didn't care about English, thinking all non-French languages to be retarded, so they just kind of threw their spelling at English and saw if it stuck. This, combined with the efforts of sheep and cats, was very fun for the French to watch from a distance, but not for the children who now are forced to learn this ridiculous thing that pretends to be a spelling system.

Some stupidities of English

1. Your house burns up and then it burns down. Your fire alarm goes off by turning on. So you fill in your insurance form by filling it out.

2. You can make amends but you can't make one amend.

3. If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Obviously humanitarians eat humans.

4. Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?

5. How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? For that matter, how can awful be something bad when awesome is really good?

6. When the stars are out, they are visible. But when the lights are out, they are invisible.

7. There is no egg in eggplant (but in Britain, it's an Aubergine), nor ham in hamburger (GB just Burger); neither pine nor apple in pineapple (well - doh!). English muffins weren't invented in England nor French fries (GB Chips) in France. Sweetmeats are candies (or GB Sweets) while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

8. There are 7 different ways to pronounce the letters 'ough' - tough [uf],/ʌf/, cough [off],/ɑf/, bough [ow!],/aʊ/, though [o],/oʊ/, ought [awe],/ɑ/, through [oo],/u/, hiccough [up],/ʌp/.

9. If "glasses" is a pair of lenses worn on the head, then why isn't a monocle called a "glass"?

10. You say "tomado" and we say "tomarto". You say "potado" and we say "potayto". Let's call the whole thing off.

11. If you fail to perform well, you suck and you blow it.

12. Why is the fear of long words 'hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia'?

13. If one who does stupid things is "reckless", why can't someone who thinks things through be "reckful"?

14. If teachers are teaching and painters are painting, why aren't lawyers lawying? (If you're Australian, that might make sense, since you say that lawyers lawye (lie).)

15. If the prefix de means none or the opposite of, why does 'devoid' mean the same thing as 'void'?

16. You park on a driveway and you drive on a parkway.

17. Why is it that policemen police, workmen work and patrolmen patrol when milkmen don't milk?

18. Why is a "W" a "double U" when it's actually a double V? And why is it the only letter with more than one syllable?

19. Somehow, soft and softheaded mean stupid yet thick and thickheaded also mean stupid.

20. The English seem to think they have the original form of the language, but they actually forgot half the r's and put some of them back in the wrong place. How do you explain all those silent r's that don't pull their weight? Did the aliens put them there?

21. You recite at a play and play at a recital.

22. Why is one pronounced won?

23. One of the mice is called a mouse, but one of the dice isn’t a douse, nor one grain of rice called a rouse, nor a cube of ice called an ouse? And why isn’t a house one of the hice or a blouse one of the blice?

English Today

English is currently spoken in far too many parts of the globe for anyone's good. As previously mentioned, the English think they speak the original form of the language, but this is silly. The French sheep and cats did all they could to ensure that English evolved from a normal language into a device specifically designed to confuse learners. Nobody speaks the normal version anymore because even the English, whose language it once was, thought French was really cool and threw it over everything, leading to a messy trainwreck and the collapse of a bridge. This trainwreck was messily spread over the global toast because butter was scarce.

Because r's are so hard to pronounce, many English speakers have forgotten how, including the aforementioned inventors of the language. They have dropped all r's not preceding a vowel into the trash can, and some of these have come back to haunt them at the ends of words that have no r's in the spelling. They then proceeded to forget what it meant if there was an 'r' in the spelling, which is why the superfluous letters are still sitting there like couch potatoes instead of buzzing off already.

Americans, Canadians, Scots and a few other groups still know what r's mean, except for Texans and Bostonians.

Chav English

A great number of society belong to an unwanted, dirty and some other word for unwanted group known as chavs. They have adapted their own form of English to confuse normal English folk, and make them feel they are knowledgeable about something, making them feel better. Their vocabular consists of "innit", "safe", "blud", "knob", "bling bling" "brap/Blllllap". They have evolved to put simple words learnt in primary school into what normal english folk call sentences, but what chavs called "innit my homie". Typical chav sentences include "innit, blud" and "you facking goff, may'e"

ENGLAND IS A BLOODY RUFFELMONSTIR AND ITS BIG TOO, BLIMEY. Blimey! It's borinn' an' all tha' malarky, but it ain' really in Mr. C's English class! Especially today, when we did improve actin' wiv' a rahndom subject.

English is currently tha 103rd most spoken lahngwidge in tha worwd. Tha Yoonited States of Amurca spoke English for a big many years, until tha little urchin's began ta realise tha' unstructured grammar an' of'en illogicuhl spellin'. Thus, tha Amurcan language was born in duh Southern United States - not ta' be confyused with real English like Ahm speakin' at tha' moment. Them urchin's was fools; while tha spelling of English words was seriously odd, tha grammar was trooly astoundin'. Tha English lahnguage was so powerful, it's known ta destroy trees, collapse minds, crush souls an' very rarely open cereal boxxiz and no mistake!

Af'er English ceased to be spoken in tha' US, tha' Amurcans adoptid tha Amurcan lahngwidge as deir offishul spo'en lahngwidge. This cowrsed sevrul problems with economy, an' woidespread illi'eracy. Therefwore, tha' Americans chose Mandarin Chinese as deir official language. This inevitably led ta tha' Engrish lahnwidge imperialism movemen', curruntly inactive because av relativly woidespread activities including kittun hufin'. Da funny tin' is it dun soun' plen'y like Spanish fur sum rizon. Que loco...

Dialects

Blimey! English suffers from a number of incomprehensible dialects. None of these is a language in its own right since it does not possess a discrete vocabulary. And the Queen said so and no mistake!

See also


Personal tools
projects