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Eminem is a rare albino rapper that was caught unexpectedly in the wild in 2001. Up till this point scientists believed the last ones died out in the early 80's. His platinum blonde plumage, puzzling behavior and haunting call have fascinated onlookers for several years.
Origin/The Mathers-Woods Quantum Parallel Freakshit Dimension Theory
Everyone has a destiny, whether they know it or not. There's a path that fate calls them to with a subtle, tidal attraction. It directs the coincidence, timing and synergy in our lives but what, if anything directs destiny.
Apparently not a whole lot. Destiny has all the aim and grace of a seagull with explosive diarrhea. Destiny just falls on the poor suckers below it without structure or reason and, as was proven in 2003, sometimes two people receive eachother's destiny.
Marshall Bruce Mathers III (the larval form of Eminem) was born to a mother addicted to blah-blah-blah in downtown blah-blah-blah, he worked hard at blah-blah-blah until he was discovered in blah-blah-blah. We all know how rappers are made (if not, it's time to have that important talk with your parents about the Words and the G's and the Beats and the M.C.'s). Pretty standard really but in 2003 he hit stardom with the best selling rap album of the year, a landmark achievement for an albino rapper. At the same time, in a different place, Tiger Woods became the top earning professional golfer of the year.
The implications were obvious. You know those alternate timelines kids these days are always theorizing about, like what if Germany had won World War Two or what if Kennedy had shot Lee Harvey Oswald with a sniper rifle? We're living in one! We're seriously living in one right this fucking minute!!!baked...
Only in a freakshit universe like ours would a black man named Tiger Woods become anything other than a gangster rapper. He wouldn't even have to come up with a clever stage name. His name is something that implies toughness and ferocity paired with something alluding to an erection. That's enough material for 8 rap albums right there. He'd always wear orange and black and dry hump dancers with huge asses in every video. If you're born with a name like Tiger Woods or Gladiator Hugeboner or Gorilla Powergroin it would be crazy to become anything besides a popular musician or a porn star.
Now try saying this a few times "The crowd is dead silent. Mathers switches to his wedge... no... his nine iron. It's going to be a very difficult shot from this lie... and... my goodness! it's in. What a tremendous shot. Marshall Bruce Mathers the Third wins the invitational cup. This man is set to be the PGA's rising star."
It's uncanny how perfectly normal that sounds. You can almost hear the extremely soft and polite applause and smell the highly groomed and treated grass of the fairway. You can almost get a glimpse beyond the veils of causality...but NO. You're sitting here in your bizarro universe, illegally downloading "The Real Slim Shady" and "Stan" on Limewire while shoving a bottle of Tiger Woods brand Gatorade into your snoutless, shallow browed face.
You fucking freak!
Professional Career: The Dre-Eminem-50 Cent connection
“I see dumb shit start happenin'
Dumber than Vanilla Ice trying to rap again”
In the most famous airplane-and-musician bet since Buddy Holly Indian-wrestled Waylon Jennings for the last seat on a charter flight Snoop Dogg bet his longtime guest rapper Dr. Dre that he was sober and straight enough fly from New York to their next tour venue in Amsterdam. Dre took the bet as an easy mark since 1) Snoop Dogg's private jet was still in Los Angeles and had been sold to cover legal fees two years ago 2) The next tour venue was in Atlanta and 3) Snoop Dogg hasn't been sober enough to operate anything with more than three switches, buttons or dials since 1995.
The events that transpired afterward are unclear but Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg came about four days later sitting in a upturned refrigerator with the word "airplaen" spray painted on the side. Having used the last of their cannabis they began to panic. They proceeded to continue panicking when they realized they they "landed" in Detroit, Michigan a city whose only export was people trying to get out of Detroit, Michigan.
After the KISS Army declared Detroit a "Rock City" in 1975 the last of the area's natural Mo-Town reserves were destroyed and it was widely believed that no rap talent would ever develop there. In the early 90's musical groups such as Twiztid and Insane Clown Posse emerged from Detroit, quickly and fiercely confirming that belief. The area became known as the "Bermuda Triangle of Hip-Hop".
Lost, alone and without a dealer Dre and Snoop Dogg converted their airplane into a crude shelter by turning it 90 degrees and sought the natural resources necessary for survival in Hip-Hop's Bermuda Triangle. What they found was undiscovered source of rap music that was still dirty and disgruntled like early 90's gangsta rap, but with fresh, self effacing rhymes like mid-80's rap.coelacanth with a lyrical style out of rap's history. Also, much like a coelocanth he was a pale, greasy bottom feeder that smelled odd and was full of oils. Aside from that he was like a normal human from Detroit.
In a world where rappers had begun to sing about the designer clothing they wore and the brand of champagne they drank veteran rap producer Dr. Dre saw rap's future in its past. Eminem's style was vulgar, shocking, and angry so it would get lots of press from people who hated rap. Eminem was linguistically agile, inventive, and clever so he would get good press from people who liked rap. Eminem was also blonde, short and pale so the wiggers and fluff media would buy his shit up no matter how much they knew about rap.
Frightened and confounded by California's sunlight, beaches and lack of decaying wretchedness Eminem spent his first few weeks on the west coast cutting tracks and spitting out the dope shit in the shipping container that Dr. Dre had provided to transport him to Los Angeles. Furious to find his tracks destroyed and covered in spittle Dr. Dre transferred Eminem to a music studio where he recorded the samples, instrumentals and lyrics for an album.
Soon Emienm was performing in packed houses and, after those grew too small, professional performance venues. Following the lead of his haircut his albums went gold, then platinum. Between 2000 and 2005 Emienem won eighteen consecutive rap Grammys, finally bringing closure and recompensation for the years white people had suffered under the tyrannical BET Hip Hop Awards and the inhumanly cruel reign of the Source Music Awards. In 2002 he wowed the world with his immense acting range with his leading role in 8-Mile where he played B Rabbit (real name Maxwell Bryce Mathews III), a struggling brown haired white guy who lived in a Detroit trailer park while he struggled to become a rapper and resolve issues with his drug addicted mother and confrontational ex-wife.
With his massive success Eminem faced heavy taxation and did what many successful musicians do to avoid the IRS: he opened a morally unsound, deceptive recording label to obfuscate his financial transactions. In order to further dissuade official investigation he named the company Shady Records. Since the IRS prefers to find fraud in ironically named or branded institutions they've adamantly refused to investigate Shady Record until the company changes its name or at least its current motto (Shady Records: Our Alleged Tax Deductions are Funneled to Unlisted Banks In the Cayman Islands).
Now at the head of a growing music empire and sitting in the producer's chair Eminem wanted to continue the legacy he inherited from Dr. Dre and discover the next big talent in rap music. Since he was rap's present he saw rap's future in its past, which was his present when he was rap's future. He found a rapper who would sing about the designer clothing he wore and the brand of champagne he drank. There were billions of those types of rappers to choose from but in the end 50 Cent was signed. He stood out from other rappers because he had been shot nine times. Six of those times the bullets came from his own gun.
Figuring it was only a matter of time before 50 Cent died from his own stupidity Eminem took out a generous life insurance policy on the young rapper. Still awaiting the enormous on-paper loss and tax deductions that could be claimed if 50 Cent was killed or incapacitated Eminem encourages him to create terrible, budget obliterating video games such as 50 Cent: Bulletproof and 50 Cent: Blood in The Sand that are actually slightly worse at being video games than any of 50 Cent's music CDs.
Eminem's Rap Style: Why Hip-Hop Needs to Be More Like Cartoons
“Duh Da Duh Da Duh Duh, Go go gadget dick!”old school tradition Eminem started off his career as a rap superstar and his first major album by telling us what his name was (or, at least, one of his names). He did neglect to tell us what he's here to say, which is a departure from classical form.
It's entirely possible that Eminem himself didn't know what he was here to say, but he's very deft and def when saying it.
On the most basic level of mic/mouth coordination Eminem was exceptional. Like a blonde, vulgar Mel Blanc he could switch between accents and inflections to portray multiple characters for comedic effect, well he wasn't near as versatile as Mel Blanc, he's actually about 1/3 as good as changing his voice as Rob Paulsen which is about twice as good as Trey Parker and Matt Stone. While recognized as something done for comedic effect it was originally intended as a means of saving money on guest rappers and receiving a second paycheck from Dr. Dre payable to Eminem and Slim Shady.
In addition to "character voice" rapping Eminem has been known to incorporate heavy emotive shifts, pace changes, alliteration, spoonerisms, iambic pentameter, Siberian Throat Singing, backwards masking, bird calls, infrasonic and ultrasonic pitch shifts, algorithmic cyphers and dead languages into his songs. Few people truly appreciate the full range of his vocal talent since they've been inured by more conventional rap styles and they're not dolphins that can speak Sumerian backwards.
Adding to his controversial lyrical appeal Eminem has progressed beyond the mundane profanity that had become commonplace in rap music and has progressed into waht can only be described as freeform hyperprofanity. Unhindered by the limits actual anatomy or human ability he transcends (if by transcends you mean "still uses quite a lot") the four letter F-word, D-Word, C-Word, S-word and five letter B-Word and also uses the six letter Y-word, the seventeen letter H-word, the four letter Å-word and the nine letter Ë-word. An all-star team of Japanese film makers, European abstract artists and Central American prostitutes was formed in 2005 to test the viability of the perverse acts and anatomy Eminem has named or described in his lyrics.
Predictably this has attracted the attention of moral conservatives who've hindered his sales with the same devastating efficacy the used to block the success of Harry Potter novels and Black Sabbath records . The same religio-political groups have already pre-ordered 75,000 copies of Eminem's next album and a crate of zippo lighters. They have also threatened an even larger pre-order if Eminem doesn't quit the sinful music industry as soon as possible and they'll do the same to those Euro-Latino-Japanese pornography movies if they ever make them.
Eminem and Women: What a Total Freudian Headfuck
“I'm bout as normal as Norman Bates, with deformative traits
A premature birth that was four minutes late
Mother.. are you there? I love you
I never meant to hit you over the head with that shovel”
For many years rap music has been criticized both internally and externally as being demeaning to women. Defenders point out counter examples of rappers making songs that celebrate strong black women, cherished lovers and hard working single mothers before they remember Eminem. After that then hold their hands gently on their temples and wait for the critics to leave them alone.
Rap is a dangerous game for fictional characters. The fatality rate for various "punk asses", "motherfuckers" and "sucka M.C.s" is shockingly high and gangster rappers have murdered thousands of completely made up rival drug dealers and gang members in their lyrics but no fictional character will meet their end more certainly and horrifically than any woman in an Eminem song.
This misogynistic streak is not fully unfounded due to Eminem's shaky relationship with his mother, Debbie Nelson-Mathers-Briggs-Shady. Things were off to a rocky start when Emienm's mother would get drunk and flick lit cigarette butts at him during his second trimester. As a professional divorce lawyer's client Debbie never let Eminem get attached to a solid father figure and insisted that he not address them as "dad" or "father" but as "the defendant" or "the second party". When Eminem was seven she wrote a scathing unauthorized tell-all biography about him, citing his manic depressive behavior, failed relationships in pre-school and that time he threw up on the ferris wheel when they took a trip the Deer Acres Amusement Park. After her son grew successful Debbie Nelson-Mathers-Briggs-Shady sued him for defamation of character in a rap song.
Emienm had futher trouble with women when he married his high school sweetheart Kim. Things started badly when they couldn't decide whether the theme of the wedding should be "trailer trash paradise" or "crackhouse chic'". Things got even worse when he noticed that his new wife began to share several similarities with his mother such as growing to adulthood, having a child and divorcing her first husband to start relationships with other men. After recording a song where Eminem drowns Kim in a car trunk, getting tattoo reading "Kim, Rot in Pieces" and drowning Kim in car trunk the two reconciled and remarried in 2006. They divorced in 2007, making it the longest lasting and most successful celebrity marriage in 2006.
The only female Eminem has not shown violent animosity toward is his 10-year old daughter Haley. This will last until 2022 when Haley Mathers, recording under the name "Eychenem" drops a multi platinum hip-hop album describing her troubled childhood and dissing bat fuck crazy father.
- ↑ Upon returning to Los Angeles Dr. Dre found that his passport had been stamped by the Dutch custom office and he later received a paycheck for performing at the Netherlands Tulip and Hip-Hiop Festival. He subsequently lost $10 to Snoop Dogg.
- ↑ It didn't work.
Harry Potter and Black Sabbath are series of books and a proto-metal band (respectively) that are largely unknown to the general public due to successful protests staged by concerned religious fundamentalists.Never mind.
- ↑ This started an avalanche of well publicized defamation and slander suits including the class action suit of Every Rapper That Was Ever in a Battle Rap v. Every Other Rapper that Was Ever in A Battle Rap and Del tha Funkee Homosapien v. B. Dobalina