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“OHHH, Elevators you say, they like elevate thing don't they?”
“Touch that button and I'll put you on the express to bottom.”
“If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.”
Elevators (inaccurately called "lifts" in stupid places), were invented in 1954 by Otis, a notorious architect and engineer often found either in a drunken stupor or in jail somewhere in Mayberry, South Carolina. But since nobody cares about elevator history, we'll just skip to the part where people die.
After the events of the Great Depression, elevator deaths steadily began to increase, as seen in the sudden jump of one death per year to two deaths per year in the 1950's. An outrage broke out in 1969 following the release of governmental autopsy reports of the yearly massacres, although the rioting was suppressed momentarily as America gloated over landing on the Sun, despite missing it by several million miles.
According to the reports, those who were mercilessly slaughtered by what was deemed by Steven Colbert as "a threat to humanity and its laziness" died excruciatingly painful deaths. The causes of death included what was known as "the Jeffrey syndrome," illustrated by pushing too many elevator buttons. Other causes of death included the phenomenon known as "stupidity", characterized by a need to stick one's head outside a moving elevator. Such idiots turned people like Mr. T, Master Chief, and Pee Wee Herman into popular serial killers. Renowned doctor Sigmund Freud theorized that "severe nimiety of muzak," or SNM, caused the most number of elevators deaths during this time period.
Despite the horrible consequences of riding in an unsafe electric box, the leader of the elevator industry, the War of 1812, continued to argue that elevators were the epitomes of safety. In 1984, the War of 1812 sent a videotape to the U.N., which demonstrated an experiment comparing the safety of a regular flight of stairs and that of an elevator. The experiment proceeded as follows:
- A middle-aged subject stood at the edge of the flight of stairs.
- At the same time, another middle-aged subject stood at the entrance of an elevator.
- A Wild Mudkip appeared!
- The Mudkip shoved both middle-aged subjects forward.
- Rinsed and repeated for further data/enjoyment.
The proof was undeniable: it was safer for a person to fall into an elevator than to fall down a flight of stairs.
Even though the safety of elevators was further guaranteed through the invention of duct tape, a new threat arose during the Y2K festival. It was widely reported that shark attacks had become common in elevators, although it has been proven that this is, in fact, not the case. In 2004, less than 12 people were fatally wounded in such attacks. If you do find yourself attacked by a shark in an elevator, press the button for the TOP floor. Do not delay to use the emergency telephone.
There is absolutely no danger of an elevator falling.
In a record of the respected chronicle Star Trek: The Next Generation, characters exerted effort to climb a ladder up the shaft after leaving the turbo-lift vehicle. From this it is deduced that artificial gravity was active in that space. However, on the face of it, this would seem stupid: why exert a pressure to lift an object against a pressure that you yourself created? Since Star Trek engineers are a brainy bunch and not known to make such mistakes, it can only be concluded that their gravitational pressure was working against a natural pressure present in all elevator shafts (in order to keep it stationary).
Indeed, this natural upward pressure is present in all elevator shafts, exactly canceled out by gravity. However, this was only discovered when the first shaft was built. While the effect has been verified by many esteemed scientists, including Kneels Bore and Einstein, the cause is still uncertain.
More recently, terrorists have tried to cause elevators to fall by attaching dangerous devices known as counterweights to elevator carriages. If you happen to see one of these counterweights attached to an elevator, it is your legal responsibility to remove the device not only to allow the physics of elevators to continue their function, but also for great justice.
A diagram of what happens to people who stay on a Paternoster car while it goes over the top or under the bottom. A passenger ascending out of the normally visible area of the lift (1) must contend with whirling blades (2) and a chlorine gas chamber (3). A passenger descending below ground floor is subject to toxic waste (4), extreme heat from the building's furnace (5), and extreme cold from the air conditioning system (6). Survivors are biogenetically merged (7) to create mutants that circulate back to the visible portion and horrify the patrons.
Technically it is music, although the effect of it is generally:
"NO! NoOoOOooOooOo. Let me off! DIE. DIE! DIE! DIE!"
Elevator music accounts for approximately 30.23% of teen suicides. Elevator music has also been used as an interrogation device at Guantanamo Bay, where a known Brian Eno recording (Music For Interrogation Rooms) was used.
Composers of lift music and the artists who play it enjoy clubbing baby seals to death with pianos and saxophones, collect child porn and are invariably lab-bred genetic mutants, the products of cross-breeding TV show hosts with Sales Managers and geraniums.
This means that they are technically plant life and can be killed with judicious over-watering with Baby Bio or weed killer.
It is rumoured that this music has the ability to render people incredibly stupid and walk around with flowers attached to their heads. "Or that was just my crazy dream, but it can be written off as a scientific fact.", stated Brian Eno after testing public reactions to a new album of his called "Neural Fret".
One of the most famous inventors of Ambient Music was a piece of cardboard that accidentally recorded itself making absolutely no sound at all. This became a popular recording among Golden Showers enthusiasts (like Brian Eno).
Often, elevator rides are particularly lengthy, but boredom can be avoided by channeling one's creativity into productive and enjoyable pastimes during elevator rides. Here are some suggestions for occupying oneself in such situations:
- Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
- Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
- Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
- Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
- Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral."
- On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the coin you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
- Give religious tracts to each passenger.
- Huff a kitten.
- Scream "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
- Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
- Leave a box between the doors.
- Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them. Then press the wrong button.
- Start a sing-along.
- Play the harmonica.
- Say "Ding!" at each floor.
- Lean against the button panel.
- Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
- Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
- Bring a chair along.
- Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
- Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
- Huff two kittens.
- Make explosion noises whenever anyone presses a button.
- Elevator-hop by pressing ground floor then the highest floor in a repeated pattern.
- Ask one of the occupants whether her name is Brittany. If she says yes, proceed to stab her with the knife in your pocket until she stops moving.