Easter Bunny

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{{Q|In Soviet Russia...Easter Eggs hunt YOU!!|Russian Reversal|Easter Eggs}}
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[[Image:Easterbun.jpg|thumb|200px|A pure Christian child, joyfully preparing the Easter Bunny.]]
The '''Easter Bunny''' (Oryctolagus nonsensicus) can refer to either the head easter bunny, <h1><b>Becki Lane is no longer the Easter Bunny! </b></h1> Some others believe that there is no Easter bunny, but these beliefs are scoffed at and looked down upon by the greater [[scientific community]].
 
   
All agree that is impossible to have exactly two bunnies and no more, at least not if they’re an opposite-sex pair.
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'''Easter Bunny''', also know as '''Free-range Easter Hare''' or '''Rabbit a la Pascha''' is a traditional holiday meal prepared during the celebration of the far-fetched holiday known in [[Jews|Judeo]]-[[Christian]] society as [[Easter]]. As the holiday focuses on the brutal death and inexplicable rebirth of [[Jesus Christ]], so too does tradition dictate the slaying of a rabbit<ref>It makes perfect sense. Trust me, I'm a Christian.</ref>. Only the rabbit doesn't resurrect itself; it is consumed by good, wholesome Christians in celebration of Christ's life. Or death.. or something.
   
The post of Easter Bunny has now been fulfilled by none other than our own Daniel Sprayjew, who has been after the job for years. In a recent interveiw, he was quoted saying this-- "Oh My Buddha!! I am so happy i finally got the Job. I have been after it for years. Do not feel bad for that pedafile Becki Lane, she deserved getting the job stolen from her. I have justified reasons for being the easter bunny."
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==Origins and Customs==
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Similar to the origins of Christianity, no man can say exactly where the traditional bunny feast began. Also similar to Christianity, no one really minds the fact that it's origins cannot be traced; the traditional rabbit slaying has become a jovial occasion, so much so that blindly following the practice has become a commonplace.
   
These Reasons are as follows-
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Each year, on a [[Sunday]] in [[April]] (dictated by the [[Pope]] at some point prior to April), the youngest member of a good Christian family is sent into the closest forest and told not to return without a dead rabbit in-hand. After stalking, slaying, skinning and gutting the animal, it is also the youth's responsibility to prepare a four-course meal with the bunny as it's centerpiece. In doing so, according to Christian Easter Law, the young person becomes a more devout follower of Christ, and a more popular student in school<ref>Again, I'm a Christian. Just trust me on this one.</ref>. After the meal, the family prays, sings songs, and thanks Christ once more for dying for the sins of man.
   
He got tired of staring at images on a screen, and decided seeing the children in their beds as he 'delivered' the eggs was the real deal.
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In order to avoid debates over religious freedoms, law enforcement agencies allow the young Christian hare-seekers to roam wooded areas freely, and generally do not respond to emergency calls involving missing persons until the week following the Easter holiday. It is generally agreed upon in most Christian communities that if a child is not fit enough to capture the Easter Bunny, he or she is altogether incapable of fully serving the lord.
   
Since he lived in an all 'IT' society, same sex orgies tired him out, and he decided that getting around some men or women would do good for him.
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==Preparation==
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The feast of the Easter Bunny can be prepared any way the family's youngest member sees fit (as long as a vague religious theme can be applied to the dish). Below are the more common forms of Easter Bunny entrées:
   
He needs to support his large family of 1
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{| border=1 cellspacing=0 cellpadding=5
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|'''Dish'''
  +
|'''Preparation'''
  +
|'''Bible Passage'''
  +
|-
  +
|'''Fried Rabbit Soufflé'''
  +
|The rabbit is diced into tiny pieces and injected into a puff pastry. The pastry is slowly inflated, giving it a domed, cake-like appearance.
  +
|''As the flaky, fluffy pastry rises, so too shall we remember the body of the lord, or the son of the lord, rising, also.'' --Luke 12:27
  +
|-
  +
|'''Broiled Hare Gumbo'''
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|The rabbit is grilled upon an open flame. It is then manually dissected and placed within a stew of choice (generally consisting of vegetables, rice, and host wafers).
  +
|''And lo, an angel did come before Isaac, and unto Isaac he did say: 'Go unto the bayou, oh son of man, and grilluth to perfection thy hare of choice. But whence you have finished, place yon bunny within a kettlepot, adorned with vegetables or rice.. or host wafers.. and do so serve him, at thy Easter feast.''' --Leviticus 10:14-18
  +
|-
  +
|'''Pickled Easter Surprise'''
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|The vinegar-soaked rabbit is prepared in a manner known only to the chef.
  +
|''It's great for rabbit, but this is a really tasty way to prepare any type of mammal, and its fun too!'' --Martha, 11:51<ref>The Lost Gospel of Martha, an ancient cooking text, was uncovered in [[1982]], somewhere east of Mesopotamia.</ref>
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|-
  +
|'''Stuffed Rabbit Artichokes'''
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|Hollowed, hallowed artichokes are filled with chunked rabbit meat. Generally garnished with parsnips and served with a side of mashed potato and pino grigio communion wine.
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|''And unto his children did sayeth the Lord: <font color=red>Don't you people realize how insanely improbable this religion is?!</font>'' --Revelations, 1:01
  +
|-
  +
|}
   
He needs to pay the illegal immigrant traffickers for smuggling him over the border.
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Though any of the above methods are acceptable for the Easter feast, the finished product must be palatable. If strictly interpreted, the Bible states that a poorly prepared Easter Bunny is punishable by stoning.
   
So he can HAVE FUN!!
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==In Popular Culture==
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[[Image:Easterbun2.jpg|thumb|200px|[[Bill O'Reilly]], disgusted by rogue religions attempting to infiltrate the fun of Easter Bunny hunting (following a report on how this infiltration relates to [[Santa Claus]]).]]
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The slaying of the Easter Bunny became such a popular event in Christianity that naturally, other religions became interested in the practice. Eventually, rabbit killings became so popular that Christian awareness programs began to spring up across the nation. As such, every year near Easter, men in giant rabbit suits visit malls across the nation, preaching the words of Jesus and warning children of other religions not to meddle in theology that doesn't belong to them.
   
"It's not rape, it's Surprise Sex!!"
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After these sermons, photo opportunities are generally granted to to the pious.
 
   
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===Anti-Christian Opposition===
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Over the years, organizations like '''Heathens Who Hate Jesus''' and '''Godless Idiots Who are Definitely Going to Hell''' have spoken out against Christianity (and, tacitly, the practice of slaying bunnies to celebrate Easter). Their cries of animal cruelty have fallen on deaf ears, however, as Christians are mandated by [[God]] to worship him however they think the Bible tells them to. This methodology also renders Christians exempt from legal prosecution and prison sentences.
   
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==Easter Eggs==
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Easter eggs are bonus features on [[DVD|DVDs]] and in [[video games]], and as such, bear no relation to the Easter Bunny.
   
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==Notes and Reference Material==
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<references />
   
== The Easter Bunny died for your sins ==
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[[Category:Christianity]]
 
It is widely believed that in [[33]] [[After Cheese|A.C.]], the Easter Bunny was [[Good Friday|crucified]] for the sins of the world, to be reincarnated as the all-powerful, omnipotent super bunny. These powers imply super speed, strength, and the ablity to lay pastel-colored eggs. This is however, nothing but a vicious and slanderous rumour spread by [[Jehovah's Witnesses]] to indoctrinate innocents into their cult. The real origins of the Easter Bunny are far more sinister. The Easter Bunny was also the cause of the holocaust. Not only leading biologists, but the head of The United States Science Department both agree that the odor given off when the beast is near, is that of the Holocaust, thus proving its' horrific part in over 12 million deaths.
 
 
== Somebunny evil? ==
 
 
All Easter Bunnies serve Theodore Easter Bunny, son of Cedric Easter and Angelina Bunny, nephew of Oswald Bunny, who slew the Dreaded Beast of Gwynhamald.
 
 
Theodore rules Easter Island with his really large family and is a pretender to inheriting the [[Playboy]] Bunny fortune. His rule has been very harsh and occasionally genocidal, the only brave enough to oppose him being [[Tim The Enchanter]] of holy hand grenade fame.
 
 
Theodore [Or Theo] was born one fall morning in 1960 in the small town of Sassafras in Jersey. By all accounts he grew up a happy playful and cute [[bunny]] until a freak discharge of pure evil from a local [[Hello kitty] factory mutated both his body and mind, causing him to travel to and take over Easter Island, enslave its populace and bulid an army of obediant minions who refer to themselves as The Cute Army.
 
 
There is wild speculation as to the origin of these rabbit minions although most signs point to the village of Pysanka just downwind from [[atom bomb|Chernobyl]].
 
 
Some think that there is an entire species of egg-laying stealth rabbits, which would account for the Easter bunny's apparent ability to visit millions of houses in one morning, in a manner much like [[Santa Claus]]. Others speculate that it may be one genetically altered rabbit created by the mad scientist [[Bill Cosby]] in the early 1200's. Either way every year Theodore sends his minions out to distribute and hide millions of inncubated bunny eggs all over the world (excepting Pakistan)with the intention that apon hatching, a wave of killer bunnies will sweep the globe, destroying the human populace. Fortunately the powerful chocolate industry, seeing Theodore as a threat, and led by his arch rival [[Jazz Jackrabbit]] has managed, through subliminal advertising to convince thousands of children to hunt for and destroy these evil chocolate bunnyspawn.
 
 
 
The Easter Bunny is a terrorist. The Easter Bunny hates [[You]].
 
 
==Fun Easter Bunny Facts==
 
[[image:Eastereggs.jpg|frame|How Easter Eggs are made. You don't want to know how the chocolate ones are made.]]
 
Facts about the Easter Bunny you might or might not care about:
 
 
*He recently won the interspatial [[chess]] match, in the final game against [[Satan]] himself.
 
*The Easter Bunny spends his non-holiday time hunting deer, bison, [[Quebec|French Canadians]], [[Children|stray children]], and [[Turkey|The Ottomans]] with [[Santa Claus]] in North [[Montana]].
 
*The Easter Bunny is a carnivore, specifically driven to consume by the insatable thirst for the blood of virgin children.
 
*He hates [[chocolate]].
 
*He plays [[Halo]] compulsively.
 
*Easter Eggs are actually the unhatched offspring of the Easter Bunny. The different shades of eggs each represent what flavor Coke(c) product the new "Easter Bunnyette" will sponsor. Famous examples include [[Shaq]] and [[Hitler]].
 
*The Easter Bunny and [[Oprah]] were once engaged. This was ended after Oprah mistakenly consumed their [[Easter Oprah|offspring]], which had been gestating for many months in multi-colored eggs.
 
*The only defense against attacks is the [[Holy Hand Grenade]].
 
*The Easter Bunny is a T1000
 
*The Easter Bunny once found a nickel in the front seat of Abraham Lincoln's official Presidential horse-drawn carriage.
 
*Jesus himself had orginally planned to have a rabbit be Pope because of it's purity. He later fixed the Pope problem by personally going to the Vatican and re-instating a rabbit as Pope.
 
 
==What Oscar Wilde Has to Say About The Easter Bunny==
 
{{wilde|Who are you people? Where am I?|the Easter Bunny}}
 
 
for further reading:
 
Oscar Wilde: 'The Silence of the Rabbits'
 
 
== See also ==
 
*[[Easter island]]
 
*[[The Easter Bilby]]
 
*[[Bunny]]
 
*[[Energizer bunny]]
 
*(Radioactive) [[carrots]]
 
*[http://groups.myspace.com/theeasterbunnyisourlord The First Church of the Great Bunny]
 
 
[[Category: Holidays]][[Category: Mammals]][[Category:Oprah]]
 

Revision as of 04:40, July 3, 2007

Easterbun

A pure Christian child, joyfully preparing the Easter Bunny.

Easter Bunny, also know as Free-range Easter Hare or Rabbit a la Pascha is a traditional holiday meal prepared during the celebration of the far-fetched holiday known in Judeo-Christian society as Easter. As the holiday focuses on the brutal death and inexplicable rebirth of Jesus Christ, so too does tradition dictate the slaying of a rabbit[1]. Only the rabbit doesn't resurrect itself; it is consumed by good, wholesome Christians in celebration of Christ's life. Or death.. or something.

Origins and Customs

Similar to the origins of Christianity, no man can say exactly where the traditional bunny feast began. Also similar to Christianity, no one really minds the fact that it's origins cannot be traced; the traditional rabbit slaying has become a jovial occasion, so much so that blindly following the practice has become a commonplace.

Each year, on a Sunday in April (dictated by the Pope at some point prior to April), the youngest member of a good Christian family is sent into the closest forest and told not to return without a dead rabbit in-hand. After stalking, slaying, skinning and gutting the animal, it is also the youth's responsibility to prepare a four-course meal with the bunny as it's centerpiece. In doing so, according to Christian Easter Law, the young person becomes a more devout follower of Christ, and a more popular student in school[2]. After the meal, the family prays, sings songs, and thanks Christ once more for dying for the sins of man.

In order to avoid debates over religious freedoms, law enforcement agencies allow the young Christian hare-seekers to roam wooded areas freely, and generally do not respond to emergency calls involving missing persons until the week following the Easter holiday. It is generally agreed upon in most Christian communities that if a child is not fit enough to capture the Easter Bunny, he or she is altogether incapable of fully serving the lord.

Preparation

The feast of the Easter Bunny can be prepared any way the family's youngest member sees fit (as long as a vague religious theme can be applied to the dish). Below are the more common forms of Easter Bunny entrées:

Dish Preparation Bible Passage
Fried Rabbit Soufflé The rabbit is diced into tiny pieces and injected into a puff pastry. The pastry is slowly inflated, giving it a domed, cake-like appearance. As the flaky, fluffy pastry rises, so too shall we remember the body of the lord, or the son of the lord, rising, also. --Luke 12:27
Broiled Hare Gumbo The rabbit is grilled upon an open flame. It is then manually dissected and placed within a stew of choice (generally consisting of vegetables, rice, and host wafers). And lo, an angel did come before Isaac, and unto Isaac he did say: 'Go unto the bayou, oh son of man, and grilluth to perfection thy hare of choice. But whence you have finished, place yon bunny within a kettlepot, adorned with vegetables or rice.. or host wafers.. and do so serve him, at thy Easter feast.' --Leviticus 10:14-18
Pickled Easter Surprise The vinegar-soaked rabbit is prepared in a manner known only to the chef. It's great for rabbit, but this is a really tasty way to prepare any type of mammal, and its fun too! --Martha, 11:51[3]
Stuffed Rabbit Artichokes Hollowed, hallowed artichokes are filled with chunked rabbit meat. Generally garnished with parsnips and served with a side of mashed potato and pino grigio communion wine. And unto his children did sayeth the Lord: Don't you people realize how insanely improbable this religion is?! --Revelations, 1:01

Though any of the above methods are acceptable for the Easter feast, the finished product must be palatable. If strictly interpreted, the Bible states that a poorly prepared Easter Bunny is punishable by stoning.

In Popular Culture

Easterbun2

Bill O'Reilly, disgusted by rogue religions attempting to infiltrate the fun of Easter Bunny hunting (following a report on how this infiltration relates to Santa Claus).

The slaying of the Easter Bunny became such a popular event in Christianity that naturally, other religions became interested in the practice. Eventually, rabbit killings became so popular that Christian awareness programs began to spring up across the nation. As such, every year near Easter, men in giant rabbit suits visit malls across the nation, preaching the words of Jesus and warning children of other religions not to meddle in theology that doesn't belong to them.

After these sermons, photo opportunities are generally granted to to the pious.

Anti-Christian Opposition

Over the years, organizations like Heathens Who Hate Jesus and Godless Idiots Who are Definitely Going to Hell have spoken out against Christianity (and, tacitly, the practice of slaying bunnies to celebrate Easter). Their cries of animal cruelty have fallen on deaf ears, however, as Christians are mandated by God to worship him however they think the Bible tells them to. This methodology also renders Christians exempt from legal prosecution and prison sentences.

Easter Eggs

Easter eggs are bonus features on DVDs and in video games, and as such, bear no relation to the Easter Bunny.

Notes and Reference Material

  1. It makes perfect sense. Trust me, I'm a Christian.
  2. Again, I'm a Christian. Just trust me on this one.
  3. The Lost Gospel of Martha, an ancient cooking text, was uncovered in 1982, somewhere east of Mesopotamia.
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