Fear not! While this article may look pretty rough right now, you can bet those boys and girls at Imperial Colonization are gonna have this article in ship-shape soon.
“They didn't do justice!”
“You don't see many dinosaurs anymore.”
“Lickalotapus was a Lesbian Dinosaur.”
Dinosaur is the generic label for a large and diverse group of aquatic, land-based and flying reptilian creatures featured in horror and adventure movies going back nearly as far as the invention of the cine-camera itself. Primitive dinosaurs were made of plasticene and moved by laborious stop-motion methods, and often coexisted with modern humans in explorer outfits (The Lost World 1913, Der Dinosar, Germany 1922, King Kong 1931) but by the 1950s and 60s (approx 50 million years ago) humans had lost their Victorian outfits and got into nifty fur boots and stuff and discovered that spears worked better than guns which have little effect on plasticene.
Conservative religious groups have offered various theories to explain why no dinosaurs have ever been found in a biblical epic, such as that they are hiding behind trees, or that dinosaurs are anatomically incapable of wearing sandals. There are also few dinosaurs in Soviet cinema, where they were declared by a committee in 1929 to be irrelevant to the struggle of the proletariat, and Stalin himself declared that the idea of a powerful monster terrorising millions of ordinary people was just silly.
Early computer-animated dinosaurs stuggled to compete with large fake-looking hinged models in the 1970s (30 million years ago) because of the crude graphics involved in the arcade games they were based on, but this all changed with the release of Cretacious Creek (1981), Swampstalker (1983) and Fluffy Bunnies vs the Creature from the Pit (1989) which were hugely successful on the video rental circuit. CGI also improved on unconvincing trees.
It is an interesting footnote that Sir Arthur Conan-Doyle author of The Lost World (1912) which contains the earliest account of dinnosaurs, was fooled by the so called "Cottingly Dinosaur" photographs, which were faked by two children in 1923 to show dinosaurs playing croquet at the bottom of their garden.
The only dinosaurs that are still alive are traveling around the world in a dino-circus called Dinosaurs Live! They are kept alive by a mysterious Mr. Andre, who has serious issues with needles and penises. The dinosaurs are well trained to eat only the parents of obnoxious children in the audience, for which the world is grateful to mysterious Mr. Andre. It is hoped that one day soon, there will be enough dinosaurs trained in this manner to let them loose upon the public to chew up all parents of obnoxious children. The main item preventing this is that these bad parents are very hard to digest, since they are primarily made of gristle. In the meantime, any time you notice lousy parents missing after the dinos have visited your town, send a "thank you" to mysterious Mr. Andre for his efforts to clean up humanity while helping to preserve the dino legacy. There is rumored to be population of dinosaurs living on an abandoned theme park off the coast of Central America. Debate continues as to whether or not these are really dinosaurs or just mutant frogs that have had a sex change.
Recently the discovery of a rusty bicycle below the Cretaceous-Tertiary boundary down a mineshaft in Cuacazuma, Peru, suggests that dinosaurs may have got about by bicycle, possibly in a last-minute attempt to avert global warming which they thought would lead to their extinction. Then a meteor wiped them out, along with a lot of bad fur-fashions and polystyrene rocks.
Dinosaurs are one of the most varied animals in terms of appearance. Ranging from 20 centiliters wide to 30 megameters tall, 1 dinosaur is practically unrecognizable from the next. The only cohesive features between breeds are their hind legs the size of ice-breakers and their bright green scrotal tusks, visible only during football season. The real truth about the dinosaur that they never want you to forget is that their sexual organs are always showing. Even though they try to hide these things with "scales", the females ain't buying it, and thus the Lesbian orientation was born. Then the male dinosaurs had no one to satisfy their "urges", and thus Monopoly and Taboo were born. It is also widely known that dinosaurs were among the first to teach Cavemen the joy of masturbation. Dinosaurs are also well known for being able to recombine their DNA structure to fit the needs of its sex partner.
Dinosaurs in Relgion
According to the book of Mormon, Dinosaurs were aliens on another planet that exploded, causing their bones to rain down on earth. This fact was later disproven by the Christian Bible, which states that the bones were instead placed on earth by Kate Gosselin in order to trick humans into thinking that dinosaurs are actually extinct. In the 20th century, a group of humans made the discovery that dinosaurs weren't extinct, and biologists, now free from blinding ignorance, realized that dinosaurs are still alive. However, most of the human population has not yet come to this conclusion, and continue to believe in the Evil regardless. The fundamental tenant of Bible mythology is the story of St. Petersaurus battling the Giant Space Octopus, the leader of all dinosaurs, eventually defeating him and creating humans from his remains. The raptor gods soon looked down upon there beloved Earth, only to see what had become of the many bones of the children of he and his prostitute friend had spawned.
Nobody really agrees on shit. So they'll all be fighting to the death. Gates will open at 7:30. Tickets are $5 each. Bring your own beer.
Dinosaurs are Endangered
If you kill one dinosaur, your home village (or tribe or suburb or commune) will declare you a hero, but if you kill too many, dirty hippies will come after you for driving an important species to extinction. The fact is that dinosaurs, no matter how terrifying they may be to humans, are part of the world's ecosystem as much as we are. But no matter how much they resemble Your Mom know this: the only difference is that they kill with big giant jaws, horns, spikes, tail clubs or fire while Your Mom will kill with nukes and guns. (The stupid way I know) and knives and swords and their own hands and water and candlesticks and rocks and power tools and heavy books and lethal injections and strangling and suffocation and hippopotamus' and leaders of bible study... Most of which belong to the whinybitchasaurus family, which though not a dinosaur, sadly still thrive today.
Dinosaurs are lies fed to us to cover the existance of pokemon.
The Queerest Dinosaur That Ever LivedIt is a well known fact that the gayest Dinosaur that ever existed was the almighty Kentosaurus. The almighty Kentosaurus is thought to have lived in the great country of Washington. The Kentosaurus had a brain the size of a walnut, and is thought to be made of marshmallows, and dead babies. Its diet consisted of test tubes, elements 1-31, large candles, and big penis. It weighed over 12 pounds. When Kentosaurus' one true love, Clay Aiken, was killed, Kentosaurus went in to a rabbit-fucking rage. He began recruiting curious men to join his cause, and he and his army are thought to have fucked over 6,000,000 rabbits and is believed to have given head to 1,000,000 smurfs. He was eventually captured by the Government of Ireland, was forcefully pimp slapped five times, and given 5 STDs by Chuck Norris.
The second queerest dino ever is the Mega-Sore-Ass, which... I'm not gonna explain the name, but I think you can guess why it was named as such...
Dinosaurs: The Game
A popular sci-fi action fighting game within the second to eighth grade demographics, Dinosaurs was created unwittingly when a young Charles Turner attempted to hit someone over the head with a rolly backpack and in the process looked very much like a dinosaur. The entire seventh grade class instantly erupted into a Dinosaur frenzy, as each person tried to be a dinosaur as well. Rules where quickly drawn up, including'
- Run around and pretend you're a dinosaur
- You can only be a flying dinosaur if you can actually fly
- No real biting
- Parasalalafolassas are for noobs
- Pokemon are not real dinosaurs, except the yellow one
- A Tyrannosaurus can not mate with a Tricerotops
- Dinosaurs can't breathe fire
- You cant say "rawr" unless your penis is bigger than everyone else's. Then again, if your penis is bigger than everyone else's, why are you playing "Dinosaurs"? Shouldn't you be getting laid or something?
- Don't fall in the volcano, unless you're a Superdinosaur
- Look tough, you're supposed to be a dinosaur
- Your mom can only play if she's hot
- No girls allowed (except your mom, if she's hot)
- When we get bored we jerk off (to your mom)
- Did you just hit on my mom?
- See you later, nerds. My woman's calling.
A week after its invention, Dinosaurs erupted onto the market. It seemed that everyone from DC to Ben Shaw's house in Maryland was frolicking around the classroom, creating their own Jurassic adventures. In 2007, Joss Whedon created the first ever Standard rule book, which described in great detail possible settings, adventures, and gave a few new characters to choose from, including:
- T Rexosaurus
- Hillary Clinton
- Flying Dinosaur
- Robbie Sinclair
- Biggus Dyckuss
- Lady Gaga
- The Acklay (star wars episode 2 duhhh)
- The one dinosaur that goes PLEEEARRRshhhhaaaaaalalal!!!
- Chuck Norisaurus Rex
N.B - The suffix Rex may be applied to any dinosaur name in order to imply superiority. During a game the leader may be bestowed with this honour (which means they can fly, drink magma, as well as command an army of lazy fatasses)...
Shocking Recent Discovery
[The apparently genuine letter below, from a senior official at the prestigious Smithsonian Institution in Washington DC, was sent to an enthusiastic, ingenious and persistent archaeologist who digs his back garden and sends any finds to the Smithsonian with his own ideas of what they are and complete with his own scientific labels.]
Dear Mr Williams
We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago. Dude, c'mon it looks like some deformed baby tryin to get it on with its 2 month- old sister. It may also be, that it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety that one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be "Malibu Barbie" Thanks, dumbass.
It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loath to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin:
2. Cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids. Except Sexyassosaurus
3. The dentition pattern evident on the skull is more consistent with the teeth-marks of the common domesticated dog than it is with the ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Sorry jackass.
Without going into too much detail, let us say that:
A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on. Might I add it's as big as my 7 year old sons penis...
It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon-dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation and partly due to carbon-dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. We also just got an Xbox, AND IT'S FUCKIN SWEET. CoD is the BEST! WOO! Anyways, to the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD (of course not including the work of Santasaurus), and carbon-dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Lol plus we tried it on the Xbox, and we're pretty sure the Xbox's awesomeness broke it, so yea...
Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name Australopithecus spiff-arino. Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated and didn't really sound like it might be Latin. (Damn, right?) However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a Hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You fuckin supergenius you.
You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, he also took a picture of it and stuck it right on his refrigerator, so he can see it every day! (Awesome I know!) and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your Newport backyard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus Rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench. But that just could be so, simply because playing too much halo fucked with our eyes. But anyways.
Yours in Science Harvey Rowe Chief Curator – Antiquities
Extinction of the Dinosaurs
There are many theories about exactly how the dinosaurs were extincted. There is the theory made by 19th century Mcdonald's manager Douglas Ferderstand. This theory says that in 1938 beloved childrens entertainer Adolf Hitler, uncovered Jesus' time machine and travelled back to the time of the Dinosaurs. He claimed he was trying to protect the purity of German blood so he had recruiters try and convince dinosaurs to breed with Nazis, hoping to make a race of Nazisaurs! Sadly for them, the dinosaurs hadn't eaten in days due to "The Great Famine" in Ireland in 1845 and were starving. Trust me; it wasn't pretty. The dinosaurs were all but wiped out a few hours later when Hitler got mad about the recruiters all being eaten and told his scientists to kill them all with lethal injections of carrot juice. This theory is of course losing popularity amongst the scientific community because of books discovered in Hitler's castle stating that he did not want to make a race of Nazisaures, but many still think theses books are just a lie made by the Scientologists to disguise Mr. Hitler's brilliant plan.
A second theory that is sweeping world is that Stephen Hawking went back in time and killed the dinosaurs. This theory says that Stephen Hawking and Frank Zappa were playing a game of poker when Frank Zappa saw that Stephen Hawking was cheating. Enraged by this act, Chuck attempted to summon this guy to Avada Cadabra him, but Chuck forgot that this spell has a warm up time of 4 seconds, which was just enough time for Stephen Hawking to escape via his built in time machine. While he was travelling through time, a hole in you mom's space-time fabric caused him to end up in the time of the dinosaurs. Stephen was pissed because he ended up in the wrong place and PWn3d all of the dinosaurs just because they looked at him funny. This theory has proof because Al Gore invented it.
A third theory is that Brian Blessed while galavanting with his faviorate Llama happened to sneeze. A large gobbet of a lesser known race of Hawk-snot was flung far into the reaches of the solar system. Riccocheting of Pluto it headed back to the Earth in a movement known as "DIIIIIIVVVVVVVEEEEEEEE" impacting on the planet with the force of 327 hiroshmia bombs (or 1/2 a Chuck Norris round house kick), thus causing both mass extinction and the current layout of todays continents.
A fourth theory presented by Yugioh abridged suggest that, it wasn't the meteor that killed the dinosaurs, it was Tristan Tymothy Tailor. Unfortunetly that didn't score him a date with Serenity.
All these theories are crap. Dinosaurs are alive and well. They're just hiding, REALLY well.wfeeeeeeeeeee
Three Species Survived
One species, known as the Norrisaurus survived due to its amazing ability to roundhouse kick things. It ate well during the great famine and was known back then as the Great Norris. After getting caught under a forest that fell on him and having to eat his way out with its mouth, it became the most famous dinosaur in the world.
Another species, called Eotriceratops, survived because it was friends with Norrisaurus. Everybody asumed that Eotriceratops was awesome because Norrisaurus was awesome.
The last of the surviving species was the magnificent, Awesomaraptor. This brilliant hero has made magnificent strides in the fields on modern literature and science. Once asked what his purpose in life was he replied " WAT?! I BE GAWD MOTHAFUCKA! BOW TEW ME DAMMIT! OH YEW DON'T FEEL LIKE BOWIN YA PUNKASS?! Mmmm yummy..."
Why are they Extinct?
Previously it was a widely believed theory that Dinosaurs became extinct because of the extinction of Smurfs. Once the Smurf supply disappeared the Dinosaurs had nothing to eat, and died out. But we now all know that's a bunch of grade" A" bullshit. They died because they wanned to die, life no longer had any point... everything seemed dull. They simply couldn't go on knowing that Megan Fox wouldn't be born until like 80 bujillion years from now. Damn.
Luckily, in 1986 world renowned scientist Jesus was able to reintroduce Smurfs into the ecosystem through DNA cloning. Jesus Pwns.
After his 1996 civil suit it was revealed that is was actually Micheal Jackson who killed most of the dinosaurs with his new little boy-touching skills.
The first modern sighting was made by Mr. Peanut who was sitting with his pet, a hedgehog crossbred with a whale (it should be noted that his name was Obama), on a dreary Tuesday afternoon when it was raining small helpless animals. Suddenly, a big ass dinosaur comes along and eats the small helpless animals. Mr. Peanut's reaction:
“OMGWTFBBQ!!!! DAT WUD DA SHIT PIE!!!!!!!! I USUALLY DOESNT AFRAID OF ANYTHING!!!! BUT OMGWTFBBQ! BBQ! BBQ! ZOMG! I IZ GONNA DIE!!!!!”
Later, after he calmed down, he gave the following quote to Michael Jackson's corpse:
“K, so I'm moving to Alpha Centauri so I can furfill my dremz of becoming a sk8r.”
“Castration!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMGWTFROTFLMAOZEDONG n00b!”
- UnBooks:My New Life as a T-Rex
- Raptor Jesus
- Dinosaurs, masturbation of
- Ozone layer
- The Bible
- Oprah Winfrey
- Jurassic Park
- Jewrassic Park
- The Flintstones
- Physicsaurus NB This dinosaur, unlike others, is not extinct yet.
- Oscar Wilde
- John Prescott
- Michael Foot
- Bill O'Reilly