“now with less performance”
Dell is a company founded in 1884 after some bored farmer created a machine to help The Farmer in the Dell. They currently make personal computers that explode randomly, making it a terrorist's choice of bomb.
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Consumer Warning
Purchasing from Dell may result in broken products, bad customer service, dropped service calls, worthless warantees, and Pakastani people whom speak broken English whilst refusing to solve your problem without threatening their jobs. Dell Laptops may spontaneously combust and burn your testicles while you are viewing porn.
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Today
Today, Dell is the crappiest manufacturer of computers. They make every effort that everything in the computer ESPECIALLY Windows is crappy and overpriced, although microsoft has already successfully done this since 1968, but also the motherboard, power supply, and mouse/keyboard. Rumoured as a scheme was to create the new Blue Screen of Hell (by Dell) so they can make a lot more money. They like money, and they suck so bad, that their building just caught on fire. Dell also pretends to support open source software like Linux and ketchup but actually they don't because microshaft threatens to eat them if they do. This means they rely on feeding pigs large amounts of bacon to balance their karma.
Recent Announcements
01/01/07
Dell CEO Mr A.Hitler sadly resigns from personally defecating in all new system's due to ill health and announced that this task will be outsourced to foreign workers fed a diet of corn and pigs blood.
10/09/06
As of 10/09/06 Dell has announced that it it will be shipping all new systems with a sizable quantity of cyanide placed in a dell style PEZ dispenser. this new strategy has reputably increased sales 20% and consumer erections by 15.25%.
Troubleshooting
Dell computers are unique in that in order to troubleshoot with them you must physcially beat the meat. It seems crazy, but trust us on this one, some type of physical damage must be dealt on a Dell in order to return it to it's fully functional capacity.
A few good ways to troubleshoot
- Throw it out your home's second story window
- Computer at the office? Take the elevator to the top floor, go to the stairwell, go up and out onto the roof and drop.
- Take it to the middle of a field and beating it with all your might is a good way to fix your problems.
- an example of this was seen in Office Space, although the printer was not a Dell, the same technique applies.
- Bring it to a gun range and unload into it. The Bullets allow for more connectivity between circuits meaning faster connections.
- Golf clubs handy? Great! Take it outside and practice your driving skills on it. (WARNING: may 'cause serious damage to good golf-clubs. Any damages done to clubs is completely your fault and you've never heard of Uncyclopedia, this article, or the recent editors of this article. If you have indeed heard of this article, uncyclopedia and/or it's editors, especially me, they are not at fault for any of your artardic actions. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!)
- Lawnmowers are particularly useful in this endeavor, much like fixing and I-pod in a blender, a lawnmower returns the hardware to it's original state.
- Leaving it in a porta-jon to soak over night is usually a good way to fix your Dell. The diuretic marination permeates into your motherboard and adds an extra megabyte of RAM magically to your computer. Scientists believe this is because Dell's are made of crap and so are returned to their natural element by being placed in the glory-hole that is a porta-jon.
- Light it on fire, that's simple enough. Everyone knows that you boil water in order to get rid of the viruses and bacteria, why not you computer?
Bad ways to troubleshoot
- Call Dell Support. They will not take your call, in fact they will ask to put you on hold and place bets to see how long you will stay on before you hang-up. It's a fun joke to them.
- Use the built in Help and Support section of your computer. This is an utterly horrible tool. There is no hope for this program. It will trouble shoot your computer into the 1800's and you'll be running on a giant Hamster wheel before you realize that you've been duped. (If this does happen to you please do post a picture it would be quite hilarious)
Products
Exploding Laptop
Exploding Laptops are a new project by Dell to test combinations of batteries and spontaneous combustion to create a lapbomb. Several success stories have been posted to the internet, including reports of an exploding laptop at a conference in Japan. It has also been learned that Dell has known about faulty, dud, exploding laptops for years before finally providing a replacement for them.
it is known that Lebanese Hezbollah is in possession of several Dell Lapbombs, making it difficult for the UN to find nations for disarming the Hizbollah.
They've also introduced a new concept, in which if you have your laptop on your lap you will get sterilized.
They also make great gifts for your enemies friends!
"How do you break a Dell? Look at it"
"Hallo, Dell customer service team, how may we piss you off today?"
"Have a break, have a different pc."
