Creationism

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Creationism.
“I said prehistoric apes, not modern ones.”
~ Evolution on Creationism
“Well, it appears science has faltered once again in the face of overwhelming religious evidence.”
~ Reverend Lovejoy on Creationism
“Who seriously believes this shit?!”
~ Jesus on the bible

Creationism (pronounced "bullshit") is a thought terminating obvious "theory" fact that God created everything. Evolution is obviously true fake. If you don't believe in Creationism, it's because you are aware of reality a misguided heretic who will burn in Hell. Creationism is also known as the theory of dirt man, magic rib woman and the talking snake.

Creationism is taught to young victims children at mass brainwashing enlightened concentration camps schools. There they learn the values of ignoring scientific advancement and accepting 'God did it' as an answer to everything. They are raped taught these lessons by perverted child molesters Holy Men and Women of the Church.

History of Creationism

Jesus on raptor

Some biologists have resorted to doctoring images in their desperate battle to defeat Creationism.

Creationism/Retardism is the oldest mythological system scientific theory that has survived into modern ages, which has received overwhelming support ever since the domestication of the dog. The theory proposes that humans, life, and the universe itself were created by a supreme being or deity's magical powers (see Christian logic). Creationism has always been the most valid and undisputed scientific theory in this world and is based on solid scientific evidence. Nevertheless, in the year 1859 public and scientific support of this belief suffered a severe slight battering when Charles Darwin, a genius insane fool who simply can't understand how Creationism works, proposed the Theory of Evolution. The Theory of Evolution teaches the obviously correct potentially blasphemous idea that the creations of God had developed naturally from microscopic organisms after millions of years of natural selection.

Using his mumbo-jumbo words, Charles Darwin managed to seduce most Scientists to the dark side of Evolution, also nicknamed Evilution. Despite the setback dealt to Creationists and the theory that they had been upholding for thousands of years, they still managed to pick up enough support again in the 20th Century and beyond. The Creationists stated that now more and more Scientists has realized their mistake of trusting Darwin's Evilution theory. Captain Obvious once used his mathematical skills and found out that for every Scientist who was deluded enough to become an Evolutionist, there is an additional 0.000963 Creationist. From there, he deduced that as the world population increases, so do the number of Creationists. Creationists immediately used these figures to show that more and more educated people are believing in their theory.

Sicsempertyrann

Young Earth Creationist theory states that radioactive dating is false, fossils form in hundreds of years, not millions and dinosaurs went extinct in 1865.

In the 21st Century, Creationists are still waging a fierce battle against Evolutionists who refused to take away the "Faith Blindfolds" that Satan has given them. Satan had instructed his minions to blindfold themselves whenever they feel that an unknown holy force (Also known as Faith) is threatening their logic circuits. Creationists fought prominent super-villains like Richard Dawkins and Stephen Jay Gould, who had extended their powerful logic circuits to other victims and offered more blindfolds for them as well. Knowing that they are unable to overwhelm these united team of super-villains, whom many reside in the National Academy of Sciences, Creationists decided to seek the help of Religion (Christianity is a prominent example). Thus the Theists combined forces with the Creationists. The Theists' main objective is to tear away the Unholy Faith Blindfolds that Satan had covered his brainwashed minions with. After that, Creationists are free to invade the logic circuits of the disillusioned minions, cleansing them of the moronic belief that is Evolution.

Creationists till this day, reject the scientifically proven unholy Evolution idea that humans are descended from a pool of scum as it means that God, who is made in the image of man, would be a pool of scum as well. At many times they tried pointing out to Scientists that the Theory of Evolution is insulting their ancestors by referring to them as mere scum, but the strong Unholy Faith Blindfolds still remain stuck to these Scientists. This explains the political motives of the Creationists, who co-operated with the Theists by letting the religious tear the blindfolds away as a first step. Creationists would then take the second step - Using their holy books like the Book of Genesis for Christians and Jews, along with the Qu'ran for the Muslims. These holy books, when interpreted literally, are the basis for the complicated (But effective) scientific theory of Creationism.

Evilutiontree

Divine Messenger Connie Morris, Kansas State Bored of Edjewkayshun: "It is our goal to write the standards in such a way that clearly gives educators the right AND responsibility to present our children with the "intelligent" fact that God created the Earth in seven days, lions once ate plants, and that all the black people descended from two nudist white people. It is obviously right, you know. Nobody can disprove it except reason...and nobody uses that anymore."

Summary of the theory of Creationism

*Let there be...*

Humboltzsea42

Here is the latest copy of the Make-a-Planet 4.2 Software which is so easy to use that our beta tester, known by some as God, was able to create an entire planet in just six days! Buy yours today while supplies last!


Alternate Description

I not know! God did it!!!!!

("I" says "God" did it because "I" is a lazy unintelligent bastard with an IQ rivaling that of an amoeba.)

Arguments for Creation

Stop hand nuvola alternate THIS IS WHAT AN "EMINENT" CREATIONIST ACTUALLY SAID!
“Although there are scientific reasons for accepting a young earth, I am a young-age creationist because that is my understanding of the Scripture. As I shared with my professors years ago when I was in college, if all the evidence in the universe turned against creationism, I would be the first to admit it, but I would still be a creationist because that is what the Word of God seems to indicate. Here I must stand.”
~ Young Earth Creationist Kurt Wise on Fundamentalist Beliefs


“Creationists are the only group in the world that can be wrong on ALL accounts of ALL problems in virtually ALL areas they touch pretty much ALL over the planet ALL the time. They are in fact the only proof against evolution.”
~ Random irrelevant smart guy met on the street.


  • The "just look around you" argument:
This argument is articulated as follows: Look around at the trees and other wonderful-looking organisms. How could living things of such great complexity come from? Even modern technology cannot recreate such wonderful diversity of life! The false theory Evolution states that everything evolved by random mutation over many millions of years, which is way too long for a six thousand and ten year-old universe and is obviously not true. Therefore, God exists and God made it all. Bible says it, you believe it, and that's that. Also, it must have been my God, and not whatever crap pagan idol you worship, because clearly, only my real god could have created it. What? No, an all-powerful God could not have made the world using evolution, it'd be so borring, he'd get tired of waiting! Besides, the Bible interpretation I was imagining is way cooler. So I know it happened in 7 days.

(Note: This argument doesn't work if the opposing person is in the Netherlands, because that's, after all, made by the Dutch.)

Picture 019

There it is, you dopes!

  • The Bible (Wholly Babbleus), and perhaps the Qu'ran as well:
The strongest, most powerful argument that Creationists use against Evolutionists, leaving the latter speechless: God clearly says in the Holy Bible that he CREATED the world. In fact (and everything in the Bible is a fact, I just know it) it clearly states it twice, with things happening differently each time (Gen 1 & 2)... and since everything in it is absolutely and totally true this means that both versions happened, simultaneously. Do not argue, remove the Unholy Faith Blindfold that Satan has given you and embrace the wonderful idea of unsupported belief Faith. The Bible is the Word of God, and thus using logic it is impossible for Science to contradict what the Book of Genesis said about how the world originated! Therefore Creation Science is the true Scientific theory. Also, a human woman's body is composed of a material evolved (Note: It is Micro-evolution NOT Macro-evolution) from an early man's rib bone.
  • The No way did I come from a dirty stinkin' monkey argument (eeeeewwwus ickyus):
Monkeys are literally dirty stinking apes that throw feces at each other and have totally immoral sexual relations with their neighbor's wives that are an affront to traditional Christian values. They also have poor hygiene and never go to church, and Scientists have found out that some of them engage in homosexual acts too. The religion of evolution says that we have a common ancestor with these horrible smelly apes. That clearly isn't true - because we find the idea absolutely disgusting. If we find the idea disgusting, we cannot have come from monkeys, therefore evolution is wrong, therefore God created us out of clay and fairy dust. Amen Q.E.D..
  • I don't understand evolution, therefore it's wrong:
'Everything coming from nothing! It's lightening striking a mud puddle! I've been randomly mutated! Huh? The messed up version of evolution fed to me by Creationist propaganda, makes no sense to me! GOD MUST BE REAL!!!' When a creationist is faced with a challenging situation, their immediate instinct is to shout 'Gawd did it!'. This instinct is NOT an example of new information. It was caused when the DNA responsible for installing the ability to think critically was altered by God, because we all know stuff NEVER changes by itself. Ah change, what a ridiculous notion!
Creationistevolution

This is how God's evolution really works

  • The What About The Fall argument:
It totally doesn't make sense for us to have, like, fallen if there was evolution. After all, we just have wars, genocide, sickness, cruelty and all that stuff--you'd have to be an idiot to think that any of that matters if evolution is real. It only counts in Creationism and stuff. It wouldn't be bad without it. Remember, Adam and Eve did eat the fruit that allowed humanity to know good and evil (And thus reason severely undermined faith), so it has to be true that we descended from ONE HUMAN COUPLE created by God.
  • The Where is the Missing Link argument (missingno linkii):
If birds came from dinosaurs and cats from dogs and LSD from mushrooms, why don't we see any fossils of dinosaurs with half developed wings, or meowing dogs, or mushrooms metamorphosing into tabs of acid, huh? Since there are only several hundred thousand links in the fossil record, all evolution theory must be a load of crap, which means literal creationism must be the absolute truth. Creationism demands complete evidence in order for any alternative theories to be true. Don't you know that to solve a murder case, one requires a witness to take down a video footage of the entire event in clear, high definition format, as well as the admissions of several other witnesses witnessing the witness taking the video without altering it? Don't state "Because not everything forms a fossil" like the secular atheist you are.
  • The "Law of Entropy" Argument (Legus entropidius)
The Second Law of Thermodynamics says that shit gets shittier as time progresses. However, evolution postulates that shit starts off shitty and then gets less and less shitty. For this to happen, there would have to be some kind of giant ball of flaming gas supplying the earth with warmth and an imaginary phenomenon we'll call "flaming gas"-light, and this is just ridiculous.
  • The "Bad Radiometric Dating" Argument (Strawmaniac argumentis)
The oldest tree on earth is only a few thousand years old. This hands down proves creationism, because there should be older trees if Evolution is true about the age of the Earth being billions of years old. As for those fossils which are supposedly millions of years old, the Evolutionists are wrong. Therefore it is a fact that 99% of scientists are wrong - Their radiometric dating methods are wrong and vastly inaccurate.
  • The "Holy Cretaceous Racism" Argument (Nigus Antisaurius)
Dinos mean double, sometimes even triple of quadruple trouble back before Noah's time. They caused property damage and destroyed some of God's smaller, more intricate creations. Plus, they were immorally committing adultery, tempting honest men's women to engage in lustful pleasures behind the honest men's backs, and even robbin' banks to get paid. Fact is that Man and Dinosaurs walked together before! Fact is that Dinosaurs are too big to get into Noah's Ark that's why they perished. Now, DO NOT QUESTION God why The Man did not command Noah to build a bigger one.
  • The "Jesus Loves You" Argument (Liikus Dudio)
I know you're all educated people and you know way more about my religion than me, but I read the Bible and nothing you ever say can convince me to believe your crazy theories about not needing any supernatural events for our origins. I can, like, feel God in my heart and you can too, so shut up. Just give your heart to Jesus and he'll save you from eternal fire and shit. Yeah. But don't take my word for it. The Young Earth Creationist, Kurt Wise, says the same thing too, as seen above.


  • The "Banana-Rectum" Argument (Bananus anus)
The banana argument is atheist's laughingstock worst nightmare. The artificially cultured banana's ease of use, nutritional value and colour-coding means it is just right for primates humans to eat and put in your hiney. The banana is shaped correctly, and has a protective outer sheath to ensure firmness easy insertion. Obviously the banana is intelligently designed.

Scientific Basis of Creationism

Sinfest-NoToKnowledge

Although on the surface Creationism may promote itself as an alternative explanation of origins, challenging the established fact of Evolutionism, the underlying myth of Creationism, in fact, lies not in the need to oppose the entire modern world, as such, but in the fact that Evolutionary Religion is the cause of all modern evils, including abortion, kitten huffing, contraception, fascism, communism, homosexuality, beastiality, masturbation, fetishism, oral sex, anal sex, aural sex, sex, bad gas, global warming, global whining, taxes, nasal sex, sexual fantasies, penis enlargement, rape, disease, politics, explosions, death, pestilence, children, science, Wikipedia, famine, The Fratellis, lawsuits,Linkin Park, civil rights, niggers, pot, public education, America, welfare, enviro-nazis, child welfare, tariffs, ethics reform, medicare, medicaid, dissenters, immigrants, social security, war, Watergate, Uncyclopedia, taxes, metrosexuality, hurricanes, blizzards, tornadoes, Carrot Top, floods, terrorism, camel toe and tooth decay. In other words, the ultimate proof that Creationism is true lies not in the cumbersome and irrelevant need to follow the methods of scientific inquiry, but the plainly observable fact that the Theory of Evolution, by fervently and humbly believing that humans come from lowly apes (instead of holy dust and dirt) and are thus not some deity's prized creation, which therefore makes everything atheistic and insiduously relativistic, is the direct cause of the modern day prevalence of all that stuff listed above. All of which are not nice and scientifically condemned by God. This makes mythical Creationism, which nobly speaks against these evils, of necessity a true and worthy science.

669ri36

The REAL Table, As if we didn't know the old one was a fake the whole time...Just foolin'!

Remember, of course, that murder and mayhem in the modern world are the fault of secular humanism and its red-headed stepchild, evolution. Murder and mayhem in the old world are in no way the fault of the Bible, as it's clearly against those things. Except when it's for them (i.e The Crusades)... but those don't count when God says it's okay. Don't believe it? Read about God and friends' various acts of genocide and rape in the Old Testament.

Microevolution/Macroevolution

Evolution3

Darwinists don't want you to know that natural selection has selected creationism, naturally

Look, everybody knows that evolution happens, whatever it is. It's just on a really, really tiny unthreatening scale that never amounts to anything. I mean, for thousands of years, mammals have been interbreeding, but what has ever "evolved" from mammals: just more mammals! Ok, maybe fruit flies have speciated, but the new species still look like they were descended from fruit flies and not gerbils, so there.

When a parrot gives birth to an otter, then evolution may be true. Maybe. Probably not. Okay, no, not even then. Unless it matches up exactly with wholly reliable Scripture, then it's wrong.


Scientific Evidence for Creation

Main article: Nothing

Evolutionists have often claimed that there is a resemblance between other creatures and humans, such as bilateral symmetry, which proves evolution. If however a human stands with legs apart and arms outstretched, with the head erect, there is also a five sided symmetry apparent. This could lead to the conclusion that humans were actually designed on the same pattern as echinoderms, the group which includes the sea stars and, more importantly the sea cucumbers. The evidence for this is clear when one considers the five-toothed sea cucumber, Actinopygia agassizi. This animal has five teeth arranged in a circle, but instead of being at the mouth end they are placed in the anus, where food is chewed. It also breathes through its anus, and if threatened it will expel its innards though the anus. Furthermore there is a symbiotic species known as the pearlfish, Carapus bermudensis, which lives in the anus, periodically exiting and retreating. It is obvious to even the most amateur investigator that the entire existence of the five-toothed sea cucumber revolves around it being an asshole, which perfectly describes a creationist.

List of Truths in the Theory of Creationism

  • We are human
  • Monkeys arent human
  • Therefore, Evolution is wrong

Creationism Trivia

  • Creationists have an amazing ability to continue an argument with no real evidence and knowledge. After all, who needs evidence or knowledge, both are of the Devil and must be avoided.
  • Creationists know Ice Cream is a lifeform and frequently use it to prove that Evolution isn't real.
  • 100% of all female creationists are believed to be made entirely of rib bones.
  • Apparently, penguins used to live within walking distance of Noah's house.
  • Many so called "Evolutionists" (read Scientists) believe that creationists refuse to accept the unproven (ignoring all the proof thats not sanctioned by the bible of course) theory of evolution, because it appears to not apply to them. Many display behavioral and physical characteristics similar to less evolved hominids. Such as lower intelligence, thicker skulls and sunken eye sockets. This however is clearly untrue as by scientifically adding all the ages in the bible we can clearly see that evolution doesn't occur therefore one human cannot be more or less evolved than another. QED
  • It is still to be explained, how from the intelligent and wise Homo sapiens, instead of further evolution, a regression occurred, which has produced the creationists.
  • Kangaroos either originated in the Middle East, or are able to jump continental distances to reach Middle East. Both are accepted as valid theories.
  • Noah's Ark has a living capacity that exceeds that of modern engineering means.
  • People used to ride dinosaurs, back when there were dinosaurs about a thousand years ago.
  • On the eighth day God created the source of all knowledge, Uncyclopedia.

See also

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