Creationism

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Genesis 1:1 "In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth."
Divine Messenger Connie Morris, Kansas State Bored of Edjewkayshun: "It is our goal to write the standards in such a way that clearly gives educators the right AND responsibility to present our children with the "intelligent" fact that God created the Earth in seven days, lions once ate plants, and that all the black people descended from two nudist white people. It is obviously right, you know. Nobody can disprove it except reason...and nobody uses that anymore."

In the Judeo-Abrahamic societies, creationism is the scientific theory that humans, life, and the universe itself were created by a supreme being or deity's supernatural intervention. The intervention may be seen either as an act of creation from nothing (ex nihilo) or the emergence of order from pre-existing chaos. The evidence for scientific creation is absolutely overwhelming, but such evidence has been hidden by a cabal of brown-shirted neo-Darwinist scientists who have to deny God in order to promote their religious faith called "Evolutionism."

Many who accept the science of creation consider such to be a primary aspect of Bible-based science, which is compatible with (or otherwise unaffected by) the claims made by other traditional mainstream sciences. Others may claim that scientific data supports creation theory to such an extent that the Holy Religion of Evolutionism is simply an emotional crux for Satan-worshiping atheists, or simply reject Evolutionism altogether, along with all of its soul-stirring Evolutionist hymns.

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Young Earth Creationist theory states that radio-carbon dating is false, fossils form in hundreds of years, not millions and dinosaurs went extinct in 1865.

Those who hold literal creation views often reject views of religious non-Biblical science and certain scientific theories in particular. Most notable is the rejection of the Common Book of Evolutionist Prayer and its implications for current Evolutionary biology. Whilst the general idea of natural selection may fit into various particular scientific views, the Most Holy Evolutionary Dogma of Common Ascent —that humans are "ascended from Holy Pond Scum" — is a point of great issue with many scientifical creationists. Creationists also dispute Evolutionary mantras about the Holy Teachings that are handed down by the great and holy Darwin, such as the Holy Origin of Life from Holy Chemicals, the Blessed Origin of the Human Species, the atheistic geological history of the Holy Earth, and the godless beginnings of the Holy Big Bang.

Proponents of theistic evolution may claim that understood non-Biblical scientific mechanisms are simply aspects of supreme creation. They, as well as other science-oriented believers, may consider the scriptural account of creation as simply a metaphor, albeit one with meaning beyond the understanding of current science. SPLITTERS!!!

The term creationism is most often used to describe the belief that creation occurred literally (within established margins of error) as scientifically described in the scientific book of Genesis or the scientific Qur'an, for Jews and Christians, and for Muslims, respectively. Although the Hebrew Bible may be interpretted to implicitly deny "creation out of nothing" (creatio ex nihilo) and, according to some scholars, may even suggest differing accounts of creation, some scientific Jews and scientific Christians use Genesis exclusively as a support of their scientific theories about origins.

Valid Arguments for Creation

  • The 'just look around you' argument (Lookus aroundus):
This argument is articulated as follows: Look around at the trees and other shit. Where could they have come from? The religion of evolution states that everything happened by random chance over billions and billions of years, which is way too long for a six thousand and ten year-old universe and is obviously absurd. Therefore, God exists and God made it all. Also, it must have been my God, and not whatever crap pagan idol you worship, because clearly, only my real god could have created it.

(Note: This argument doesn't work if the opposing person is in the Netherlands, because that's, after all, made by the Dutch.)

  • The Bible (Wholly Babbleus):
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This is how God's evolution really works

Neo-Darwinists refuse to take into account God's word in the Bible, which proves they have no interest in the truth. God clearly says that he made the world in six days. In fact (and everything in the Bible is a fact) it clearly states it twice, with things happening differently each time (Gen.1 & 2)...and since everything in it is absolutely and totally true this means that both versions happened, simultaneously. Wrap your brain around that, Mister Science! Who are you going to believe? A scientist, or God? Exactly. "The Bible says it, I believe it, that settles it."
  • The No way did I come from a dirty stinkin' monkey argument (eeeeewwwus ickyus):
Monkeys are literally dirty stinkin' apes that throw feces at each other and have totally immoral sexual relations with their neighbor's wives that are an affront to traditional Christian values. They also have poor hygiene and never go to church. The religion of evolution says that we are actually descended from these horrible smelly apes. That clearly isn't true - because we find the idea absolutely disgusting. If we find the idea disgusting, we cannot have come from monkeys, therefore evolution is wrong, therefore God created us. Amen Q.E.D..
  • The Where is the Missing Link argument (missingus linki):
If birds came from dinosaurs and cats from dogs and LSD from mushrooms, why don't we see any fossils of dinosaurs with half developed wings, or meowing dogs, or mushrooms metamorphosing into tabs of acid, huh? Since there are no link fossils in the record, all evolution theory must be a load of crap, which means literal creationism must be the absolute truth. And seeing how the Bible's the Word of God, no further evidence is required. (And don't state "Because not everything forms a fossil" like the secular atheist you are: See The Bible Dosen't (sic) Say That Argument)
  • The 'Well who the hell else did it' Argument:
What else could have done it? A giant fucking spaceborn brain? Nuff said.
  • The "Law of Entropy" Argument
The Second Law of Thermodynamics says that shit gets shittier as time progresses. However, evolution postulates that shit starts of shitty and then gets less and less shitty. For this to happen, there would have to be some kind of giant ball of flaming gas supplying the earth with warmth and an imaginary phenomenon we'll call "flaming gas"-light, and this is just ridiculous.

Scientific Basis of Creationism

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Although on the surface Creationism may promote itself as an alternative explanation of origins, challenging the etsablished dogma of Evolutionism, the underlying scientific facticity of Creationism, in fact, lies not in the need to oppose the religion of the Theory of Evolution as such, but in the fact that Evolutionary Religion is the cause of all modern evils, including abortion, fascism, communism, homosexuality, beastiality, masturbation, fetishism, oral sex, anal sex, aural sex, nasal sex, sexual fantasies, penis enlargement, rape, disease, politics, explosions, death, pestilence, famine, war, Watergate, Uncyclopedia, taxes, hurricanes, blizzards, tornadoes, Carrot Top, floods, terrorism, and tooth decay. In other words, the ultimate proof that Creationism is true lies not in the cumbersome and irrelevant need to follow the methods of scientific inquiry, but the plainly observable fact that the Theory of Evolution, by fervently and humbly believing that humans come from lowly apes and are thus not some deity's prized creation, which therefore makes everything atheistic and insiduously relativistic, is the direct cause of the the modern day prevalence of all that stuff listed above. All of which are not nice and scientifically condemned by God. Which makes scientific creationism, which nobly speaks against these evils, of necessity a true and worthy science.

Remember, of course, that murder and mayhem in the modern world are the fault of secular humanism and its red-headed stepchild, evolution. Murder and mayhem in the old world are in no way the fault of the Bible, as it's clearly against those things. Except when it's for them (i.e The Crusades)... but those don't count when God says it's okay.

Microevolution/Macroevolution

Look, everybody knows that evolution happens, whatever it is. It just on a really really tiny unthreatening scale that never amounts to anything. I mean, for thousands of years, mammals have been interbreeding, but what has ever "evolved" from mammals: just more mammals! Ok, maybe fruit flies have speciated, but the new species still look like they were descended from fruit flies and not gerbils, so there.

When a parrot gives birth to an otter, then evolution may be true. Maybe. Probably not. Okay, no, not even then. Unless it matches up exactly with Scripture the real world, with its "facts" and "evidence", is wrong.

The real world is wrong a lot.

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