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“HOW NOW RAPSCALLION! EN GARDE!”
~ Karl Marx on inventing Communism
"All your base are belong to the State."
~ Cats on Communism
Communism is a religion whose primary tenet is that everyone except Russians, Vietnamese, Cubans, Chinese, and North Koreans are evil. The sect's other beliefs and practices include: abstinence from all brands of Coca Cola, the idea of the holy quinity (Marx, Lenin, Paul, John and Ringo), and a raging hatred of all Americans claiming Irish heritage. Communist philosophy can be traced back to the ancient writings of Proletariat (not to be confused with The proletariat, which also has connections with The Red Menace). He believed in the philosophy of Dianetics, which states that all opposites are not opposites or else they would be the same.
The very first Communists were early Slavic tribes who owned so little they had to share everything. They were renowned warriors, whose battle tactics consisted of getting as drunk as mortally possible, then drink twice as much more and charge at the enemy wielding a hammer in one hand and a sickle in the other. Even in these early times they were called the Red Army for their red faces (esp. noses). A Communist Warrior was terrible to behold in battle, bashing, slicing and breathing alcoholic fumes at his enemies. Mortally wounded, he would merely fall asleep at the field of battle, only to wake up the next morning with regenerated limbs, healed wounds and a severe headache.
Communists also adhere to a strict typographical style which forbids all capitalisation, punctuation, and spacing, so that all letters may be brought together as equals. Here is an example of Communist writing:
Unfortunately, this made Communist writing very hard to read. A large number of frustrated people joined the underground samizdat (lit. "same as that") movement, which translated communist documents into something readable. The irritating qualities of communist writing, plus a shortage of the special magnifying glasses that well-connected people could obtain to read it with, lead to the movement's collapse in 1992.
It should also be noted that Communists make terrific briskets.
Each communist is given birth at 1 month old. When the egg that the communist fetus has evolved is big enough (at age 8 months past the egg-laying) little communists called October children are hatched. At the age of 5 years, Little October children chew their tail off and shave the fur off, then they reach the stage of Pioneers.
Later when all permanent teeth are grown they eat the Furit of Life. As a result, they become Protectors, who are asexual,hairless superhumans, and so no new communists are made. So now when they grew older and get a great position, then they make all normal humans to give they children to special camps where their normal mind is beaten out and a communist mind is put in its place.
Each full-grown communist must:
- Be drunk all day or all night (if both then they are to be called presidents, politicians or ministers).
- Get others to be as drunk as they are; if the victim does not follow they'll be resented by every communist
- Share everything with everybody whether they like it or not, including: diseases, drinks, injuries, problems, plagues, excrement and all that minds can think of.
- Not possess any riches that are not alcoholic or other mental toxins.
The first country to have a Communist regime that did not promptly disappear (with or without help) was Russia - semi industrial in parts. The second country was Mongolia - principle industry sheep and the third Tannu Tuva - best known for being the centre of Asia and exporting diamond shaped stamps. Of these three the only one to survive is the middle one, which proves that the middle way is best.
- "Diamond" Joe McCarthy
- The entire population of warrington, cheshire, england (trust me you dont want to go there)
- Michael Mouse
- George Wayne Bush and Michael Moore (co leaders of the communist state of nebraska)
- Alan Birkett (leader of the moustache organisation of the communist state of roby, merseyside, england)
- Albert Einstein
- Alberto einsteinio (italian version)
- The Rock
- Mr. Capitalism
- John Lenon
- Box of Crayons
- Anyone who calls themself "Comrade"
- Adam Smith
Ways to become a communist
- Watch any news channel besides Fox News
- Not have a support our troops sticker on your SUV
- Dislike watching Family Guy
- Skip church on any sunday or holy day
- Be european
- Be anyone with a sense of equality and fairness.
- Eat your vegetables
- Download music
- Wear a Che Guevara tshirt/badge and bring his flag on every manifestation, inluding pacifist ones.
- Arachnic Communism
- Free Market Communist
- Michael Moore
Not to be Confused With
|Boston Tea Party • Communist Party • Conservatory Party • Decepticon Party • Democratic Party • Fascist Party • Labour Party • Lemon Party • Liberal Party (UK) • Liberal Democrats • Libertarian Party • Republican Party • Sausage Party • Tea Party • The Party • Whig Party • Whig Party (UK)|