Church of England

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

(Difference between revisions)
Jump to: navigation, search
(Blanked the page)
(Undid revision 2159477 by 217.23.230.5 (talk))
Line 1: Line 1:
  +
{{British}}
  +
  +
[[Image:SvenG.jpg|thumb|180px|Reverend '''[[Sven Goran Eriksson]]''', current leader of the Church of England]]
  +
{{wikipedia}}
  +
{{Q|I'd never join a church that would have me as a member.|Karl Marx|Churches}}
  +
{{Q|Would somebody in this church have my member?|Noel Coward|Churches}}
  +
  +
'''The Church of England''' is a [[religion|pseudo-religious]] belief system present primarily in [[England]], but has enthusiastic followers around the globe. Practising the support of the [[English]] national [[football]] team, the Church promotes such values as nut-crushing, [[Scotland|Scot]]-pummelling and pie-scoffing.
  +
  +
==Leadership==
  +
Much controversy was raised when the current grand leader, or ''coach'' of the Church of England, [[Swedish]]-born Sven Goran Eriksson, was appointed in 2002. He bacame the first 'foreign' born leader and followed in the footsteps of such priests as [[Kevin Keegan]] and [[Glenn Hoddle]]. The latter of these was deposed after it was found that Hoddle was in fact actively partaking in rituals forbidden by the Church, the former was stoned to death by an aggressive group of anti-Keegan sect members.
  +
  +
A new leader, [[Steve McClaren|Steve McLaren]], was elected by the high board of directors , the [[FA]], and will come into [[power]] in July 2006.
  +
  +
==History==
  +
  +
At some point in the middle middle ages, Henry VIII decided that England needed its own church. And that he should be in charge. He had, for some time, been suffering from problems associated with a low self-esteem. There had been a good number of English kings called Henry, and Henry VIII was finding it very difficult to make his own distinctive mark. Attempting to change his name to Henry Cxxx had raised a few smiles, but the threat of a series of challenges from pretenders to the throne claiming to be the missing Henrys from IX – CXXIX had made the scheme unworkable. An earlier plan to achieve immortality through breaking the mediaeval records for waist size had some mileage, but by 1525 Henry was becoming disillusioned with the popular London mob chant of ‘Who ate all the capons?” Clearly another scheme was required to satisfy Henry’s fragile ego.
  +
  +
===God===
  +
  +
In alighting on the plan to create his own church, Henry first contemplated the possibilities raised by declaring himself as God. Typically for Henry, he had not fully thought through the ramifications of this idea. As a mediaeval God was widely believed to have created man in his own image, Henry would now need to ensure that every man in England had a waistline of approximately 93 inches. The consequences for the exchequer would have been calamitous. Obviously, another approach was needed.
  +
JONNY BROWN IS GAY!!!
  +
  +
===Virgin===
  +
  +
Based in [[Italy]], and run by celibates, it was essential for the sanity of the all-male [[Catholic]] establishment to worship the virgin mother of God. Henry’s next plan was to establish himself in this role. Again, his plans faltered. The major difficulties of this strategy were two-fold. The first difficulty was purely practical. The niches of England’s churches were designed to house statues of a svelte, linen-clad [[woman]]. The fabric of thousands of ecclesiastical buildings would have to be substantially altered if statues of the morbidly obese cod-piece wielding Henry were to be accommodated. Several of the more fragile churches in the countryside, where stone was scarce and dung was a common building material, would simply have collapsed as a result of such structural alterations.
  +
  +
The second problem was rather more thorny. Henry’s reputation as a man about town was already well-established amongst the mediaeval aristocratic cognoscenti. There was, however, real concern that his first marriage, contemplated second marriage, and his patented removable cod-piece were all likely to raise suspicions in the populace at large about Henry’s [[virgin]] credentials.
  +
  +
[[Sir Thomas More]] finally demolished all arguments for Henry to take on the role of Mary, mother of God, when he pointed out the unlikelihood of Henry being a believable mother. The size of his paunch was not, it seemed, evidence enough of Henry’s ability to bear children.
  +
  +
===Messy===
  +
  +
Finally, Henry alighted on running his new church in a more managerial capacity. Besides, by now he had alighted on a more sure-fire way of achieving lasting fame. The notoriety of his divorce proceedings alerted him to the legacy potential of achieving column inches in the gossip magazines of Olde England. Seeking to milk this publicity source as much as possible, Henry had been through six marriages by his death, two ending in messy divorces, two simply ending messily.
  +
  +
===The Church Today===
  +
  +
The Church of England today is shaped by its collision with the national traits and preoccupations of the English. Thus a national tendency towards a minimalist decorating style, championed by a fascination with DIY television shows, has meant that church interiors are unadorned. Services are held in English, not Latin, because the English are famously ignorant in languages other than their own. Both of these factors have led to a gradual tendency for the English to attend DIY stores on Sundays rather than churches. Not only is a collective fascination with interior decoration thus catered for, but those who attend and work for such stores as B&Q are more likely to use the four-lettered vernacular favoured by the congregation of the 21st century. And of course, real devotion, and indeed, real four-lettered vernacular, is now reserved for the current preferred form of English worship, at the temple of football.
  +
  +
  +
==Sects within the church==
  +
[[Image:Scousers.jpg|thumb|left|250px|Members of [[Liverpool|Liverpudlius]], a sect which exists within the Church of England.]]
  +
  +
A great many sub-groups exist within the Church, each with their own unique [[ritual]]s, [[hymns]] and [[priest]]s. There also exists a grand ranking system or hierarchy into which each of these are organised based on members' levels of fervent interest and participation. This is measured by such activities as involvement the local ''"firm"'' and the goading of members of other [[religion]]s.
  +
  +
==Ceremony==
  +
The Church meets at frequent intervals at various venues worldwide to converse with their fellow practicioners, and to partake of the ceremonial [[alcoholic]] substance: ''Carlsberg''. Every [[4|four]] years, thousands of members make the traditional pilgrimage to a rival nation. This, however, differs from other pilgrimages such as to [[Jerusalem]] by Christians in that the sole purpose of this trip is to wreck, terrorise and generally destroy the [[pub|churches]] of rival faiths.
  +
  +
The consumption of [[pie]]s during the ceremony is encouraged, as is the shouting of random insults towards members of opposing religions and in particular the referee. This is the central [[satan]] figure viewed by the Church as he who should be seen and never heard.

Revision as of 11:11, July 3, 2007

SvenG

Reverend Sven Goran Eriksson, current leader of the Church of England

For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Church of England.
“I'd never join a church that would have me as a member.”
~ Karl Marx on Churches
“Would somebody in this church have my member?”
~ Noel Coward on Churches

The Church of England is a pseudo-religious belief system present primarily in England, but has enthusiastic followers around the globe. Practising the support of the English national football team, the Church promotes such values as nut-crushing, Scot-pummelling and pie-scoffing.

Leadership

Much controversy was raised when the current grand leader, or coach of the Church of England, Swedish-born Sven Goran Eriksson, was appointed in 2002. He bacame the first 'foreign' born leader and followed in the footsteps of such priests as Kevin Keegan and Glenn Hoddle. The latter of these was deposed after it was found that Hoddle was in fact actively partaking in rituals forbidden by the Church, the former was stoned to death by an aggressive group of anti-Keegan sect members.

A new leader, Steve McLaren, was elected by the high board of directors , the FA, and will come into power in July 2006.

History

At some point in the middle middle ages, Henry VIII decided that England needed its own church. And that he should be in charge. He had, for some time, been suffering from problems associated with a low self-esteem. There had been a good number of English kings called Henry, and Henry VIII was finding it very difficult to make his own distinctive mark. Attempting to change his name to Henry Cxxx had raised a few smiles, but the threat of a series of challenges from pretenders to the throne claiming to be the missing Henrys from IX – CXXIX had made the scheme unworkable. An earlier plan to achieve immortality through breaking the mediaeval records for waist size had some mileage, but by 1525 Henry was becoming disillusioned with the popular London mob chant of ‘Who ate all the capons?” Clearly another scheme was required to satisfy Henry’s fragile ego.

God

In alighting on the plan to create his own church, Henry first contemplated the possibilities raised by declaring himself as God. Typically for Henry, he had not fully thought through the ramifications of this idea. As a mediaeval God was widely believed to have created man in his own image, Henry would now need to ensure that every man in England had a waistline of approximately 93 inches. The consequences for the exchequer would have been calamitous. Obviously, another approach was needed. JONNY BROWN IS GAY!!!

Virgin

Based in Italy, and run by celibates, it was essential for the sanity of the all-male Catholic establishment to worship the virgin mother of God. Henry’s next plan was to establish himself in this role. Again, his plans faltered. The major difficulties of this strategy were two-fold. The first difficulty was purely practical. The niches of England’s churches were designed to house statues of a svelte, linen-clad woman. The fabric of thousands of ecclesiastical buildings would have to be substantially altered if statues of the morbidly obese cod-piece wielding Henry were to be accommodated. Several of the more fragile churches in the countryside, where stone was scarce and dung was a common building material, would simply have collapsed as a result of such structural alterations.

The second problem was rather more thorny. Henry’s reputation as a man about town was already well-established amongst the mediaeval aristocratic cognoscenti. There was, however, real concern that his first marriage, contemplated second marriage, and his patented removable cod-piece were all likely to raise suspicions in the populace at large about Henry’s virgin credentials.

Sir Thomas More finally demolished all arguments for Henry to take on the role of Mary, mother of God, when he pointed out the unlikelihood of Henry being a believable mother. The size of his paunch was not, it seemed, evidence enough of Henry’s ability to bear children.

Messy

Finally, Henry alighted on running his new church in a more managerial capacity. Besides, by now he had alighted on a more sure-fire way of achieving lasting fame. The notoriety of his divorce proceedings alerted him to the legacy potential of achieving column inches in the gossip magazines of Olde England. Seeking to milk this publicity source as much as possible, Henry had been through six marriages by his death, two ending in messy divorces, two simply ending messily.

The Church Today

The Church of England today is shaped by its collision with the national traits and preoccupations of the English. Thus a national tendency towards a minimalist decorating style, championed by a fascination with DIY television shows, has meant that church interiors are unadorned. Services are held in English, not Latin, because the English are famously ignorant in languages other than their own. Both of these factors have led to a gradual tendency for the English to attend DIY stores on Sundays rather than churches. Not only is a collective fascination with interior decoration thus catered for, but those who attend and work for such stores as B&Q are more likely to use the four-lettered vernacular favoured by the congregation of the 21st century. And of course, real devotion, and indeed, real four-lettered vernacular, is now reserved for the current preferred form of English worship, at the temple of football.


Sects within the church

Scousers

Members of Liverpudlius, a sect which exists within the Church of England.

A great many sub-groups exist within the Church, each with their own unique rituals, hymns and priests. There also exists a grand ranking system or hierarchy into which each of these are organised based on members' levels of fervent interest and participation. This is measured by such activities as involvement the local "firm" and the goading of members of other religions.

Ceremony

The Church meets at frequent intervals at various venues worldwide to converse with their fellow practicioners, and to partake of the ceremonial alcoholic substance: Carlsberg. Every four years, thousands of members make the traditional pilgrimage to a rival nation. This, however, differs from other pilgrimages such as to Jerusalem by Christians in that the sole purpose of this trip is to wreck, terrorise and generally destroy the churches of rival faiths.

The consumption of pies during the ceremony is encouraged, as is the shouting of random insults towards members of opposing religions and in particular the referee. This is the central satan figure viewed by the Church as he who should be seen and never heard.

Personal tools
projects